My Last Day at Waihona Station

After all the years of doing this, I never really got used to the way it feels when you step out of the veil. I focus on not being nauseous in the few seconds before the automated lights turn on. I notice the mud on the floor right away. Someone on the team sent here to deliver the 127 power unit yesterday had dirty boots. Before I do anything, I get a stick vacuum and make a mental note to tell Sam that his crew needs to be more careful. This may be my last day, but over the past 19 years Waihona Station and I have built a special relationship. There’s no way I’ll be able to enjoy my retirement if I’m worrying about people tracking mud everywhere.

Once the floor is clean, I grab my tools and start working on installing the 127 unit. They say it can last 400 years. I hope that doesn’t mean the company plans on cutting the hours of my replacement, this place needs constant TLC to stay in optimum shape. It takes me most of the morning to finish the installation, and to be honest I’m glad that I don’t have to start it up. I had my concerns four years ago when the first canister of solar produced 127 arrived in Maui, and a lift operator spilled a whole container a while back, that almost took his and a co-workers life. I don’t think it’s giving everyone cancer or making them crazy like the TV lawyers say, I just want to avoid being engulfed in a radioactive fire on my last day.

I move on to dusting and changing the filters in the operations room, sinking into a familiar rhythm. Things have changed a lot since I was assigned to Waihona in 2031. Joe wasn’t even ten yet when I started, and now he’s in grad school. I was in the data room when the Gateway Travel Accord was signed, and now people from almost every nation are veiling across the globe every day. I was up here during the Veilcorp Luau attack. Actually, I was here almost 24 hours that day. They locked down everything including veil travel. That reminds me , I need to check the food storage and make sure the protein bars aren’t expired in the event that we have another travel halt. When Eric Oeming returned to work, I was replacing some wiring. A lot has happened, but this place stays the same. It even survived hurricane Neki. I have a lot of respect for that.

I knew going in, that saying goodbye to Frank was going to be the hardest part of today, so I decide to put it off and work through lunch. I enter the data room to replace a few fans. I know that there are dozens of these satellite backup stations, but I can’t help but feel a sense of wonder, and a little nervous when I’m in this section. The data and personalities of tens of thousands, maybe more, is stored here. I know they say it’s only a backup, but I can’t help but imagine accidentally spilling something, or disconnecting the wrong cable and wiping out half of Lahaina. I replace the fans without a hitch. There isn’t anything left to do now but walk the exterior, and see an old friend for the last time.

One of the worst things about being a remote tech is the isolation. Most of these backup stations are in very remote locations, and the only time you see anyone else is when something is seriously broken. It can get lonely, but I made a friend on my first day. Perched on a rock, and upset that I’m taking my lunch 3 hours late, Frank squawks his disappointment with me when I walk outside. They say Ravens are among the smartest animals on Earth, and by the way Frank has memorized my weekly schedule, I believe it.

I take out his bag of bread, and throw bits to him as I walk the building. I make a note that the southern vent is going to need replacing, while Frank protests that I stopped distributing his lunch for a moment. I don’t see anything else of note and make my way back to the raven’s rock. I swear Frank does a little dance of excitement when he sees the tin of sardines, one of his favorite treats. I don’t say much as I feed him, just goodbye, and thanks for all the years. I tell him I’ll leave a note about him for my replacement, but I can’t promise he likes birds as much as I do. Part of me hopes that he doesn’t. Big changes are coming for Frank and I, but I have a feeling we’ll be fine.

Abramo “Meat Wagons” Serve Up Food and Controversy

With torrential rains in the forecast for the rest of the week, and the unusually high king tides, the flooding that has submerged much of Maui is likely to continue for days to come. Hundreds of first responders and relief volunteers have been working hard to find those trapped or injured and distribute clean water, clothing, and medicine. Dozens of emergency food stations and mobile kitchens have followed to provide warm meals to victims and rescuers alike. Bob Abramo’s “Meat Wagons” are among the most popular, offering a variety of delicious meat based items and pre-packaged shredded pork dinners. While they’re a hit with flood victims and workers alike, many other food truck owners and emergency meal providers say that Abramo employees are spreading rumors and vandalizing their property. Some even accuse Abramo himself of using his government connections to interfere with their efforts and business.

In the past 72 hours, Kahului has seen over 30” of rain, almost twice the average annual rainfall. Coupled with a remarkably high tidal surge, the storms have flooded the area, causing hundreds of millions in damages and leaving an estimated 30,000+ without homes. Officials say that Kahului will likely be declared a disaster area, and the damage is already worse than the devastation that hurricane Neki left behind in 2047. Worse still, forecasters are predicting another foot of rain before it’s all over. For most, the only small respite in their day is a warm meal, and many are doing their best to provide those meals. One of the most preferred choices are the “Meat Wagons,” mobile extensions of the famous Abramo Chop House.

While they are a hit with flood victims, many other meal providers have lodged complaints over the trucks and Abramo himself. Harvey Poua, owner of a popular local sushi shop, says Abramo employees have been harassing his workers and spreading rumors about tainted fish. “They’re acting like bullies,” he says. “They’ll stand in line and talk about how our fish hasn’t been properly stored and how sick people have gotten eating it, then hand out directions to the nearest Meat Wagon. I’ve heard stories that they’ve actually blocked other food trucks in, keeping them from going where they need to go. I made an official complaint yesterday and this morning our trailer was mysteriously tampered with. I showed up with the day’s fish to find that someone had cut our condenser lines, so all the coolers were warm. A few minutes later a health inspector shows up for a surprise inspection, and now we’re closed down until I can prove our coolers are working again. This isn’t a game, I’m trying to feed people who just lost everything! From what I hear, I’m not the only food provider who’s found their property vandalized.”

Lahaina fixture and owner of the award winning Hula Noodle restaurant Ralph Umeke says he’s been the victim of tire slashing himself since arriving with his “Mobile Malasada” truck. “Bob actually called me and tried to talk me out of driving the truck to Kahului. He said, ‘There are already too many people trying to get a piece of the relief pie, and I like big slices of pie, Ralph.’ I explained that I just wanted to help out, since a lot of those people helped us after hurricane Neki, but he wouldn’t hear it and hung up on me. I didn’t think much of it at the time, but less than 24 hours later I found my tires slashed and one of the Meat Wagon drivers told me that, ‘Mr. Abramo thinks you should go home.’ What’s going on here is crazy. I don’t know what he’s thinking.”

For his part, Mr. Abramo denies that he, or any of hs employees, have broken any laws, but he admits to having a “competitive spirit” when it comes to his relief work. He says, “No matter what I get involved in, I like to win,” adding. “I’m going big in Kahului so all the others should just go home.” When pressed about the accusations of vandalism, threats, and surprise inspections Abramo said,

“You have to remember that things are in upheaval over there, and with chaos comes crime, I’m just thankful that none of my vehicles have been vandalised yet. Make no mistake, the relief business is still a business, and there’s going to be winners and losers. I’m not a loser. I think before this is all over, my Meat Wagons will have the highest customer satisfaction ratings and will have served more meals than any of those reheated tragedy-dinner peddlers. The truth of the matter is that one person is squealing the loudest right now, Poua. Harvey is just upset that his so called healthy meals lack the fats needed to keep people warm and energized through a long day of rescue work. After a hard day, your typical relief worker wants to bite into a big chunk of perfectly cooked meat and wipe the juices off their face, not nibble on a tiny piece of questionable fish. If I was Harvey I’d worry more about offering a proper portion size than what my competition may, or may not be doing.”

Mr Abramo had equally harsh words for Mr. Umeke and bristled at the idea that anyone involved with his business threatened the Hula Noodle owner.

“As far as Ralph Umeke goes, I’ve heard good things about his noodle shop, although it’s not really my thing. I’m sure there’s plenty of people who find boiling water and opening a seasoning pack too much trouble, but I’m not one of them. I was surprised to learn that he drove his Malasada truck to the area, but I don’t really consider him a serious competitor. His pastries may be edible, but they’re just empty calories. The Meat Wagons offer a variety of desserts that are both delicious and give you energy throughout the day. Our chocolate marrow cake, pork belly donuts, and foie gras bread pudding are much better choices for survivors than what Umeke is offering. I’m sorry that not everyone has the same hunger that I do. I also apologize that a few of our trucks may have blocked others due to unfortunate breakdowns, but I don’t regret trying to become the best food relief provider in Maui. Every disaster needs a winner and I intend on winning through taste, portion size, and gobbling up the competition.”

World War II Era Mine Discovered At Veilcorp Construction Site

A construction crew got the surprise of their lives over the weekend, when they discovered a World War II era mine while working on a Veilcorp project. According to reports, the workers discovered the mine early Saturday, but didn’t know what it was. It was only after one of the workers posted a picture of the device on social media that it was identified as a mine. Work at the site was immediately halted while the Navy’s explosive ordnance technicians secured the device. Veilcorp says they are glad nobody was hurt in the incident, and are thankful for the Navy’s quick response.

The Maui Conservation and Recovery Act set strict guidelines on the storage of 127, and other hazardous materials on Maui. As a result, Veilcorp has been building a number of underground storage facilities across the island to store the volatile, and controversial element used in the veiling process. The mine was discovered by a crew working on one such storage site.

According to Ronnie Kalipalani, owner of Ronnie Kalipalani Construction, it all started Saturday morning when his company broke ground on the project. Within minutes, his team found what they thought was a discarded fuel tank buried just inches below the ground. The crew spent the next few days trying to clean-up the object, and discussing what they were going to do with it. After one of the crew posted a picture on social media of himself posing with the object, Navy personnel descended on the site, and evacuated the construction workers. “It was one of the scariest things I’ve ever experienced in my life, and I lived through the lurchin craze,” says Kalipalani.

“We find buried stuff all the time. You’d be surprised what can end up in the ground,” says Ronnie. “Mike found the mine while working the excavator. It was pretty beat up, but you could tell that it had been in the water at some point because of all the coral build-up. It looked like an old fuel tank to me, and Mike asked if he could keep it. He builds all kinds of things out of old junk we find in demo jobs. I’ve seen him make grills, planters, chairs, and even drums out of old tanks we’ve found. You’d be surprised at what the tourists will buy, and how much they’re willing to pay if you tell them something was made by a local artist. Thankfully we decided to try and clean it up before cutting it apart. I’m not sure we’d be around to talk about it if we hadn’t. We tried using the angle grinder, but after chipping away at it most of the day, we had to give up and do some actual work. The next day we started building a jig to hold it in place so we could take the jackhammer to it. We secured it, and were just about to start hammering, when all these Navy vehicles showed up and everyone was shouting. At first, I thought one of my guys had snuck into the base again, but then they told me what was up. I’m still shaking thinking about how close we all came to being blown up.”

The mine was identified as a Japanese type 93 model 4 anti-ship mine. While the Japanese used relatively few naval mines during WWII, hundreds of thousands were still deployed throughout the Pacific. Weighing in at over 1,500 pounds, the mine contained 243 pounds of explosive when deployed. Officials say they believe the mine was washed ashore and buried when hurricane Neki hit Maui last summer.

“These people were extremely lucky,” says a Navy spokesperson. “These mines were built to punch through the armored hulls of military vessels. If it could destroy a foot of reinforced steel, I assure you it would have no trouble obliterating a person. It was the corroded firing mechanism and age that saved lives here. This device uses what’s known as a hertz horn mechanism. Each of the four horns contains acid. When something hits a horn hard enough the container breaks, acid spills out energizing a battery, and the mine explodes. Despite their actions, the horns were so corroded that they were no longer functional in this instance, saving lives. While finding an unexploded WWII mine is highly unlikely, we would like to encourage the public to not take power tools to any mysterious objects they happen to find in the ground. If you don’t know what something is, call authorities before you start hammering on it! Please.”

Kalipalani and crew say they are thankful for the Navy’s swift action and would like to thank whoever saw the picture and alerted authorities. However, Ronnie does have one request.

“We are beyond thankful of course that nobody was hurt, but we’d really like the mine back. I mean it’s not everyday you find a piece of history like that, and Mike had some great plans about how to chop it up. I thought there was some sort of rule about abandoned property becoming the finders after 90 days, but everyone I’ve talked to at the base seems to think that isn’t true. They could at least give us a few dummy bombs or training warheads or something if they plan on keeping our mine. We’re not trying to be jerks. We’re willing to work with them here. We just want what’s fair and reasonable.”

Announcing The Lahaina Zipline Tours Big Reopening

For almost 18 years The Lahaina Zipline Tours was one of the most popular attractions on the island for both residents and tourists. Our 4 lines offered a unique view of parts of downtown, the beach, and Lahaina’s beautiful wild places. Over 150,000 people took a scenic trip down our lines in 2047 before hurricane Neki put an end to the rides and devastated much of the island.

Like many other hotspots, we’ve been busy rebuilding and we’re almost ready to show off our new tours. Things are about to get bigger and better at The Lahaina Zipline Tours thanks to our new owner, Big Bob Abramo. He’s already well known for his award winning chop house, but his vision for the ziplines will amaze you. We’re announcing our grand reopening next Friday, july 10th. Come on down, and see our expanded lines and learn about our unique new offerings sure to be big fun for the whole family.

Bob doesn’t believe that our liners should have to rely on gravity alone so we’ve completely upgraded our technology. Our all new bidirectional lines and motorized trolleys allow guests to slow things down to get a good look at the world below, or break free from the limits of traditional ziplining. Guests can experience speeds of up to 70 mph on a number of our longer runs. (Goggles can be purchased at the gift shop.)

We have expanded the reach of our original lines as well. Now you can pass over nearly all of Lahaina. Take a romantic zip down the beach or get your adrenaline flowing by passing over an active lava field. Stop using your legs like a sucker and let us do all the work. Big Bob’s web of lines offers zip lovers miles of fun and a complete view of the area without the drudgery and hassle of walking. Our new automated quick exchange system lets you quickly move from run to run without ever having to touch the ground. Our entire loop offers almost an hour of zipping fun. While these technical upgrades are exciting enough, it’s our big new programs that will have everyone talking.

Take a direct line to dinner with our express run to the Abramo Chop House. Whether you’re picking out an animal to eat for an upcoming birthday, or just want to take a big bite from something off the grill, the Chop House has something to appease even the most voracious appetite. Check out 10 feet of the world’s best pork on our famous Long Pig Buffet, or enjoy one of our delicious bacon infused cocktails. Our menu is all organic and is specially designed to accommodate a wide variety of carnivorous tastes. We strive to use locally-raised organic meats as much as possible.

You’ve flown like the birds and now it’s time to sing like them with Big Bob’s nightly karaoke. When the sun goes down our ziplines glow purple and the magic begins. Our host Bouncing Brandi keeps the music and fun going nightly until 4am. Use your ceremplant to join one of our public networks or pay a little extra for your own private virtual room. Let your voice be carried on the wind or belt out a power ballad to everyone below.

Our big collection includes close to 500,000 songs in 6 different languages, so if we don’t have it, it’s not worth singing. In addition, all of our midnight crooners have a chance to broadcast their performances thanks to our partnership with Glimpsea. Take advantage of their nanocam technology to show your family, friends, and anyone in the broadcast area what they’re missing. Due to a request from the Lahaina police department, we encourage our guests to refrain from loud singing after midnight when passing over residential areas.

If you liked it before, you’ll love it now. Nobody knows the sweet taste of recreation like Big Bob Abramo. With the grand opening a little over a week away, spots are going to fill up fast so make your reservations today. Go big and go to the new home of island fun: The Lahaina Zipline Tours.

Opposition To Emergency Siren System Grows In Lahaina

A new multimillion dollar alert system in Lahaina is facing stiff opposition from residents, business owners, and environmentalists alike. A petition has been started asking the county to postpone a scheduled test at the end of this month until a number of concerns have been addressed. The county says that the system is a long needed public safety feature and has no plans to halt the test, or its expansion.

Installation of the new alert system began last month with little public resistance initially. County spokesperson Ellen Pahili says, “The alert system is something that we’ve frankly needed for a long time. After the wide-spread panic and confusion caused by the Veilcorp attack in 2041, it was decided that we needed a better alert system. It’s just too bad that it has taken 7 years to actual make any headway on the project.” Pahilil says that the devastation left behind after hurricane Neki, and the subsequent fireworks explosion, proved the need for the system to many holdouts. “If we could have warned everyone when Neki was about to make landfall we could have saved lives,” she says.

The Maui Emergency Management Agency, along with The Hawaii Emergency Management Agency, plans on testing the system along the Honoapiilani Highway, around Kahana and the Lahaina Waste Water Treatment Plant. The test is scheduled for Thursday, May 28 between 9am and 4pm. Officials say nearby residents may hear the siren sound eight to ten times for one-minute intervals during the identified time frame. Testing will include a series of short blasts known as “burps.” Emergency management officials and technicians will be conducting a number of system checks at that time to ensure everything is working properly.

The Lahaina Conservation Association’s (LCA) spokesperson Kimberly Hekili says that the test will disrupt the lives of many endangered animals, one of the most important of which is the Hawaiian monk seal. The official state mammal of Hawaii, the Hawaiian monk seal is one of the most critically endangered marine mammals in the world. According to NOAA estimates there are less than 500 left, with less than 50 calling the main islands home. With a breeding population residing near Lahaina, Hekili says we can’t afford to scare mothers away from their newborn pups. “These beautiful and rare creatures are one of the two mammal species native to Hawaii. They were here before people, and it’s our duty to ensure that they can continue to survive here. For the first time in decades, we have a group of seals using the waters and beaches in Lahaina as a nursery. They are already protected under the Endangered Species Act, and the Marine Mammal Protection Act, so we don’t understand the county’s decision to potentially scare these vital animals away. Times and technology have changed. With the ubiquitousness of ceremplants and smartphones, we don’t need a siren based alert system anymore than we need a city blacksmith.”

Other residents have concerns over the sirens as well. Noted author and Lahaina resident Kevin Morrow worries not only about startling the seals, but people too. He has started a petition to postpone the construction and testing of the alert system until the county addresses a number of misgivings.

“My major concern about this system is its potential to dramatically startle someone. We’ve all spilled or dropped something when we were startled. According to my extensive video research, many times these spills involve hot beverages and burns, as well as the destruction of valuable electronics. It has been proven that human beings make poor decisions while under stress and terrible decisions when they’re scared. If the county truly wants to help people during an emergency situation, they wouldn’t put them in a panic with a 135 dB scream during the middle of the night. I have provided the county a number of alternative sounds that could alert the public in a more responsible way: seabird calls, any standard ring tone, dogs barking, or ukelele music. Even a loud but calm voice saying something like, ‘Please be advised that something terrible is about to happen. We recommend that you immediately seek shelter in an orderly manner and await further instructions.’ I believe that any one of these alternatives will serve to alert the public, as well as avoid any unnecessary frightening.”

Pahili reiterates that the system is long overdue and counters, “We’ve consulted with a number of DLNR biologists who say that the tests will not have any negative impact on wildlife, including the monk seals. As far as Kevin Morrow goes, what we are most concerned about is the continued coverage the Lahaina Advertiser gives this man. There is a long history of the paper printing his misguided ideas and eccentric theories. We believe this exposure is not helpful to the public in general, or Mr. Morrow specifically.

How a simple noodle shop became a Lahaina institution

With so many things to experience and places to see, new visitors frequently have a hard time deciding what to do while in Lahaina. Options include: snorkeling, whale watching, swimming, golf, eco-tours, ziplines, ATV rides, kayaking, shopping downtown, or just enjoying a beverage on one of the world’s most beautiful beaches. The choices are almost endless. If you ask a local what to do while on the island you’ll most likely hear a combination of the things above. If you ask them where to eat, chances are one name will come up over and over again, “Hula Noodle.”

Built back in 2025 by Ralph Umeke, the noodle shop has become a favorite of Lahaina residents and one of the hottest spots on the island thanks to its history and Umeke himself. Known simply as “Uncle Ralph” by the locals, Umeke started Hula Noodle to be “a place where you could grab a warm bowl of food before work, or after a long day surfing, without a lot of fuss or people bothering you.”

Ralph’s dishes have won a number of awards over the years. A quick check will reveal that it is the highest-rated food stop in Lahaina, and Umeke has won the coveted Platinum SSHAM Can every year of the competition. “I just really like noodles. They’re easy to make and eat,” he says. When asked about his secret for making world-class noodles he answers in typical Uncle Ralph fashion, “It’s very easy. If I make a bowl of food that isn’t delicious, I fix it or throw it out and make a bowl that is delicious.”

His policy of asking tourists to make room for regulars when the shop is busy and asking anyone he deems too loud to leave has won the hearts of many. All new visitors are treated the same inside Hula Noodle, and Umeke has famously asked many high-profile guests to leave for being too disruptive. “Those Manimal people were in here once. That surfing girl and the big guy who drinks too fast. They just wanted to take pictures, so I threw them out,” he says. Ironically, Hula Noodle might not be as widely known as it is now if it weren’t for one person’s memorable visit back in 2031.

Ralph says, “This guy walks in carrying a stack of papers one morning and asks for a breakfast bowl. I gave him his food and he just sits there doing paperwork. Eventually, I told him that unless his momma was going to ground him for not doing his book report he should eat before it got cold. I don’t reheat food. He smiled and thanked me for the advice. Then he asks me what I thought of the new Veilcorp station being built. I said I just make noodles, I’ll leave the extradimensional travel to those guys. As long as tourists pay their bills and are respectful of the place I didn’t care if they arrived by submarine or got pulled out of a magician’s hat. He laughed, said he’d do his best to make sure that the rowdy tourists were screened out, and asked if I knew a good place to buy a submarine. It was the founder of Veilcorp, Eric Oeming.”

Oeming came back every day during the construction of the Veilcorp facility and the two became good friends. The Veilcorp CEO made it a custom to treat any dignitaries or famous visitors with a meal at Hula Noodle. Word spread quickly and soon business was booming. “To be honest it’s a bit too much sometimes,” Umeke says. The shop became a destination for foodies and celebrities alike but much to the delight of his neighbors, Uncle Ralph kept the shop rules the same: make room for locals and keep the noise down to a minimum.

The no-nonsense noodle chef and the brilliant scientist hanging out downtown became a common sight and the unlikely duo amused residents. The shop turned into an unofficial extension of Oeming’s office with many deals being signed over a noodle bowl. A small plaque still hangs over a corner chair that reads: “Eric’s seat”.

Things changed for the friends in 2041 when dozens were killed in an attack at a Velicorp function including Oeming’s wife and daughter. “It was the first time that Hula Noodle was closed for more than a few days,” says Umeke. “It was like I lost part of my own family.” With reporters everywhere on the island, the shop became a sanctuary for Oeming. “I don’t talk about that stuff. If and when Eric does that’s up to him, but he hasn’t so far, so neither am I,” says Ralph when asked about the first few days after the attack.

The pair remain good friends but Oeming’s public appearances have all but stopped in the ensuing years. “We still talk a lot, but he’s a really busy man these days. He knows he always has a seat in the shop, as long as he keeps it down,” says Uncle Ralph with a smile.

The Hula Noodle became a beacon of hope for the rest of Lahaina as well last year after the devastation of hurricane Neki. The fact that the shop made it through the storm unscathed while so many others lost everything was seen as a good omen by many. “It was like a sign that the storm couldn’t break our spirit. Everyone’s love for the Hula Noodle kept it safe, and it was a reminder that we were just bent, not broken,” says Mayor Albert Cravalho.

Umeke says the shop made it through because of the hard work of his neighbors who helped fill sandbags before the storm hit, a little luck, and some upgrades to the building over the years thanks to Veilcorp engineers. “I try to remain humble, but being best friends with a genius billionaire has its benefits.”

Maui Councilman Embroiled in Trash Scandal

To say that I was stunned by the news this morning is an understatement. Hearing that for the past few months our trash has been traveling to parts unknown because you’ve made a deal with a company that hasn’t been properly vetted is unacceptable. I’m trying very hard to believe that you were ignorant of the details, but that pill is getting harder to swallow by the minute. You’re just lucky that Veilcorp hasn’t weighed in yet. I can promise you that they will not be happy if you drag them into this mess. If my office is going to stay ahead of this thing I need you to start coming up with answers, because I have a lot of questions and the people need to believe that they can trust their mayor.

When you became chairman of The Solid Waste Resource Advisory Committee I had heard that you had a reputation of cutting corners. I had no idea how deep you were willing to cut. You’ve single-handedly thrown away all the goodwill we gained in the past 6 months. We are rebuilding Lahaina and the trust of its people. We survived hurricane Neki but I’m not sure we’ll make it through this unnatural disaster.

What were you thinking? I understand that there was a lot of refuse that needed to be disposed of after the storm, but you can’t possibly have thought that veiling tons of trash to war-torn areas was going to receive massive public support. Please don’t try and convince me that you weren’t even a little concerned about where the garbage was going. I’m having a hard time believing you didn’t know that you were selling it to one of those recycling cartels after seeing their bid was a third of the next highest. To be honest, the fact that you did it under my nose tells me almost everything I need to know.

I’m sure you know what these cartels do. They force people with no other options to sort through mountains of muck to find the more valuable pieces of filth. These people are involved in some really dark stuff. At some point you must have watched or read a report about the kinds of things these groups are bankrolling. Almost as bad, many of these groups end up dumping the trash they can’t use offshore or just leave it and move on to another area. It’s a human rights and ecological disaster. I had no plans to run a reelection commercial featuring war orphans shouting with joy because they found a bit of copper in a barrel of garbage, or a dolphin wearing a plastic “Lahaina Zipline Tours” bag like a vest.

You couldn’t have chosen a worse time. The people have been voting down waste to power plant proposals for over 40 years because they are very sensitive to environmental issues. Add to that all the recent concerns about Veilcorp’s Icarus project irradiating wildlife and causing sickness, and you a have a recipe for not just losing your job, but going to jail. I do not plan on going down with this ship because you found it convenient to punch garbage chutes into the hull. The political climate on these issues is very chilly and it seems like your plan was to wait until winter before forcing my office to march into a war.

I keep waiting for the Glimpsea guy to burst through the doors, point out the cameras, and tell me this is all some sort of sick joke. I need answers! I need to know what you knew and when you knew it. I want to know how these people contacted you and how long you’ve been talking. I’m sure law enforcement will be going through your financials. I don’t want to get anymore involved in this by asking about those specifics. Please, If anyone in my office worked with you on this catastrophe I want to hear about it now.

I’m going to keep this short and to the point. You just fed your political career a poison cookie, threw it off the top of a building and shot it multiple times on the way down. You better hope none of your mess splatters on me or my office. To be perfectly clear, you are fired immediately! I have appointed a local business man, Bob Abramo, as an emergency replacement. You have until noon to clean out your office, get your affairs in order, and turn over any relevant paperwork. I suggest that you leave the building before big Bob arrives.

Man Who Set Off Massive Fireworks Explosion Files Suit

The man who set off the massive fireworks explosion in Lahiana last month, injuring 27 people, has filed suit against the county. 51-year-old resident Randy Wilcox accidentally ignited the Fourth of July stockpile while participating in the cleanup effort after the devastating landfall of Hurricane Neki. Wilcox claims that the county failed to take reasonable care of the fireworks and is seeking damages. Nonetheless, officials continue to investigate him for possible criminal wrongdoing in the case.

There is no minimizing the destruction left behind by Neki, but the storm brought out an amazing sense of cooperation and community in Lahaina. Hundreds of volunteers worked to clear debris and look after injured neighbors in the days after the big storm. Randy Wilcox was one such volunteer and was working with a group to clear a road on July 6th, when they discovered a box of fireworks. Eyewitness reports about the precise series of events conflict, but there is no dispute that Wilcox fired the rocket that ignited the unseen stockpile of fireworks, lying just underneath the debris in the road. The ensuing explosion was felt on Front Street and could be heard in Olowalu, more than 6 miles away. While 27 people were injured in the blast, remarkably, no one was killed.

“Like everyone else, we had been working all day when I spotted the fireworks. I thought we’d take a break and have some fun,” says Wilcox. “We found a half-full fuel can a little earlier, so I thought it’d be fun to shoot at it. I didn’t know that the debris in the road was what was left of the shed where they had stored the fireworks from the cancelled show. I put a bunch of sparklers in front of the can and started shooting bottle rockets at it. It took a while for the sparklers to catch but once they did everything happened pretty fast. I remember the can popping and watching the burning fuel spread out and almost right away I felt the ground under my feet just lift up. My face felt really hot and the next thing I know, my boots are smoking and I’m flying through air. This was not the first time I’d been accidentally launched somewhere, but this time I was spinning around like a frisbee. I knew I was in trouble. I ended up crashing through the front window of a house nearby where my new hero Craig Luahi saved my life. If he hadn’t been sitting on the couch right where I landed to cushion my impact, I might not be here today. I feel awful that he’s still recovering from his injuries but I thank him and the man upstairs for looking out for me. I just wish they had been more careful with how and where they stored the fireworks, someone could have died because of their carelessness.“

Luahi disagrees strongly with Wilcox’s take on the situation and is suing him for his injuries and the loss of his couch. “Like a lot of others I was just happy to have made it through the storm unharmed. The house had a little bit of roof damage but nothing major. Best of all, my couch hadn’t even gotten wet. We’d already been through a lot together. It was the first big thing I had bought for my first apartment. It wasn’t new or anything but it was the nicest thing I had. Even though I was eating off of TV trays and using milk crates for end tables, I always had that couch to sit on. I worked during the day, went to class every night for years and that couch was my bed when I was too tired to move. I learned that I was going to be a father for the first time resting on those cushions. I was sitting in the same place when I heard that my grandma passed away. That couch and I shared 20 years of life and now we had even made it through a hurricane together. I had just opened a cold beer and took a little sip when I heard the explosion. It looked like a huge flock of birds at first through the window. As it got closer, I could see it was bits of wood and stone, with something trailing smoke in the middle. By the time I could tell the smoking part was a person, Randy was crashing through the window. I heard the frame crack when his head smashed into my teeth and we sank back into the torn fabric. My beer was knocked out of my hand and ended up wedged in the broken arm rest. I tried to reach it but couldn’t. I had to watch it spill out over the cushions. Because of Randy’s actions I’ve had to relive that moment over and over again while I’ve been recovering. I blame him 100% for the explosion, my injuries, and my torn, beer-soaked-cushions!”

The mayor’s office says they can not comment on the case because of the ongoing criminal investigation. However, an anonymous source familiar with the case agrees with Luahi calling Mr. Wilcox’s actions before and after the incident “disgraceful.” They say his claims are akin to “a drunk driver suing the Department of Transportation for crashing into a guardrail.” They add, “Clearly Mr. Wilcox has terrible judgement but you have to wonder about the decency of the legal team that would attempt to argue such an outrageous position, after so many people were injured.”

Kurt Bickley of Suter, Stine, Burn & Partners (SSB&P) says that it is Mayor Cravalho that should be concerned about the ramifications of bad judgement. He claims that anyone would have done what his client did in this case and that the county failed to exercise reasonable care of the Fourth of July fireworks. “Storing over $100,000 worth of explosive material in a $2000 wooden building, when a hurricane is about to hit is not just a bad idea, we believe it is a criminally negligent one.” Bickley says that in addition to his client and the 26 others physically injured by the blast, many more were severely traumatized. “We are exploring the possibility of a class action suit in this case. You have to remember that the incident took place on the heels of the worst hurricane to ever hit Maui. Many people thought that the explosion was a meltdown at the Thorcon plant or another terrorist attack. Frankly, Mayor Cravalho’s office doesn’t have the best track record when it comes to keeping the public safe and this is just one more example of their disregard for safety. We understand how tough it must be to have that kind of reputation in an area so dependent on tourist dollars. We’re confident that Cravalho will want to save himself and his administration any further embarrassment in this matter and settle with our client.”

Manimal To Rebuild Lahaina Drainage System Damaged By Hurricane Neki

Neki was a once-in-a-century hurricane, with record winds and tidal surges. The storm caused hundreds of millions of dollars in damages, and left thousands in its path without homes or utilities. The hurricane’s devastation has been unprecedented, but so has the vast outpouring of support to help rebuild Lahaina. While most of that has been in the form of food, water, and medical supplies, one company has promised to solve a major problem the county is facing after the storm. The Lahaina based Manimal corporation has offered to rebuild and improve the county’s combined sewer and storm drain system.

Many experts agree that the Lahaina drainage and sewer system was badly in need of an upgrade before Neki. The decades old system was outdated, and unable to keep up with the needs of a booming Lahaina. The hurricane only exacerbated existing issues, propelling them into the spotlight. The city says that by accepting the offer by Manimal, they will be able to return services much faster to the community, and avoid any secondary dangers that the broken system now presents. “While Manimal is rebuilding our wastewater system we can focus on clearing roads, providing shelter, and returning power to residents. It’s a matter of utilizing what resources we have in the best way possible,” says Mayor Albert Cravalho.

Manimal CEO Spencer Kane says that it’s an honor to help the town so instrumental in the story of the drink company.

“As the birthplace of Manimal, Lahaina will always hold a special place in our hearts. When we learned how much damage 100 mph winds can cause, we were blown away. It makes you really appreciate how dangerous ultimate windsurfing can be. I learned about the sewer issues when delivering some emergency Manimal for the relief effort. I couldn’t believe another potential disaster was just waiting in the wings, when it rains it pours! I knew we had do something, so I got together with our best people, and told the Mayor we’d help take care of it, in exchange for branding and marketing rights. He agreed, and our civil engineers have devised an extreme drainage system able to handle the most extreme weather, and I may be biased, but the manhole covers look great!”

A massive marketing campaign has already begun to drum up public support for the unusual agreement. Manimal is running a number of commercials about the project and branded manhole covers have already turned up in a few neighborhoods. While most are happy to have a working sewer as soon as possible, no matter who builds it, there are some who worry that the drink company might cause long-term damage to the system. One resident says, “I appreciate the offer but what does Manimal know about combined drainage systems? My cousin Randy basically lives on Manimal, and I wouldn’t put him in charge of stacking blocks, let alone building something we all count on. I can’t believe the mayor agreed to this! What’s next, the Hailoha Parks Department, or the Abramo Meat Police? Bringing in a B-list celebrity to go over a slide presentation won’t change my opinion on the project either.”

As part of the marketing campaign, Manimal has held a number of informational meetings, hosted by their spokesperson Tony “Half-Barrel” Kahale. Offering a chance to look at various manhole designs and mock-ups of the new system, the meetings have been a hit with residents who’ve been forced to live in shelters. “I’m just spreading a message of hope and hydration,” says Kahale. “As a 19 time World Manimal Drinking Champion, I know a lot about processing excessive amounts of fluids. Manimal and hurricanes can be almost as intense going out, as they are going in, and this new combined sewer design is up to the task. Our “Storm Off” inlets regulate the flow of runoff water to a level that even the old system could swallow, eliminating the chance of future flooding. Knowing how many people were injured because of a lack of emergency shelters, we’ve included a number of refuge rooms in our designs as well. Now, in an emergency, your safety is only a manhole cover away. Worried that you might get bored waiting out the emergency? Don’t be. Many rooms include things like short rails for grinding, quarter pipes to practice basic tricks, and plenty of free standing structures to practice your parkour. It’s our pleasure to provide the residents of Lahaina a sewer system as radical as their lives.”

Duracave Donates Triage Tents To Help Treat Hurricane Victims

The fallout from hurricane Neki, which made landfall early Saturday morning, will be felt for years in West Maui, but many who were injured in the storm are feeling the aloha spirit today thanks to Duracave. The company best known for high-end survival gear and portable power supplies has donated several mobile triage tents to the Lahaina Medical Center to help house and treat victims of the hurricane. Thousands of are homeless this morning and hundreds are injured from the wrath of Neki.

Nearly 400 area residents are injured filling local medical facilities well beyond capacity. That number is expected to grow substantially as rescue teams comb through the rubble. While many companies like Veilcorp and Manimal are providing shelter and energy drinks to survivors, Duracave’s donation solves a logistical nightmare for medical personnel working in Lahaina.

“When we saw all the victims left in Neki’s wake we knew we had to do something,” says Duracave CEO Barret Stone. “Duracave is about providing the tools necessary to survive and thrive in the worst conditions nature and political cabals can throw at you. Neki was bad but we’re better.”

“Not all tents are created equal. Our Liberator Modular Tenting System is the most advanced and most secure shelter devised by mankind. Resilient to extreme heat and cold, able to withstand hurricane force winds, and monsoon rains our ultra-tarp material can even keep out many first generation nerve agents. Paired with one of our innovative generators and featuring a negative pressure environment, the Liberator makes the perfect triage environment for you and a buddy, or a whole platoon. It keeps the smell of war and contagions in and any worries out. I use a mid-sized Liberator system as a mobile abattoir on my ranch. Believe me, if it can keep the smell of a 12 ton gut pile from getting out it can contain any disease.”

“The tents were a godsend,” says Director Dalia Forsythe. The Lahaina Medical Center has been hit especially hard. With supplies and personnel already stretched thin the facility simply didn’t have space for all the sick and injured. “We were treating people in supply closets,” she adds.

“Without these tents we would have lost lives. It’s that simple. This morning there was an explosion that injured dozens of rescue workers and may have exposed them to 127 and other toxic materials. Luckily, we now have the room to keep them quarantined until we know what they were exposed to. I’m not the kind of person who would usually talk highly of Duracave and their well-shared political views but they really came through as a company. There is no doubt that they helped us save lives. The hurricane has caused a lot of struggles but I’m amazed at how quickly everyone has come together to help. It makes me proud of my Hawaiian neighbors.”

Not everyone is singing the praises of Duracave however. Despite Forsythe’s admiration for the company, one Lahaina resident calls the tents an eyesore. Elizabeth Stonegate, President of the Tanager Lane Homeowners Association, worries that the tents will discourage new people from moving to the area. “We’re really missing a great opportunity to rebuild a more sophisticated Lahaina,” she says.

“I realize that Neki hurt a lot of people and my heart goes out to them but the truth of the matter is that Mother Nature has offered us a great opportunity. Many of the homes that were destroyed were older traditional dwellings. The kind of places they call “quaint” in real estate listings. We all know what quaint means, and how quaint doesn’t raise property values. Lahaina has changed a lot in the past decade. It’s growing into a beautiful modern city and Neki has helped clean up some of our problematic areas. Since many of those people won’t be able to afford to rebuild even with insurance money we should be courting a more financially secure class of people.

There is nothing about 4 giant sized medical tents that says, “come spend millions of dollars building a new home here.” It looks like something out of a horror movie. The whole reason a hospital has walls is so that you don’t have to be reminded of the sick. I feel terrible that people who chose not to take proper shelter were hurt by their actions but why should their bad choices impact my property values? While everyone is digging through rubble and putting up sci-fi plague tents, I’ve made sure all tree limbs and debris has been picked up in Tanager Lane. We have an unprecedented chance to reshape a more sophisticated Lahaina, let’s do all we can to make it happen and get rid of the tents before it’s too late.”