STORYLINE

Fall Showcase Highlights Student Talent in Pu’u

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College officials, military recruiters, and business representatives will descend on Lahaina tomorrow, to attend the annual Pu’u High School Fall Showcase. It may be early in the school year, but this is the night many of the young Blue Wolves have been preparing for their whole lives. Every year, the event connects promising students with those eager to meet, and cultivate the newest promising talent. In a world where acquiring skilled young people is at a premium, the Fall Showcase has become one of the most important events of the year for students. This year is no different, with two promising young people in particular, garnering a lot of attention.

“Things have changed a lot since I was a kid,” says Pu’u Principal Pa’ani Mahelona. “Thanks to Veil travel, these kids have the widest job market available that any generation has ever seen. Companies, schools, and governments from around the globe are looking to find the next Hank Gaud, Adler Walters, or Eric Oeming. They’re starting to track these kids earlier and earlier every year. The Empire of Equatorial Guinea for instance, has a very aggressive young talent recruiting program that focuses on children in elementary school. It’s a lot of pressure, and I’m amazed at how well our students handle it. Nothing seems to shake them. If the world were to end tomorrow, I’m not sure I’d want to be anywhere else, but surrounded by these remarkable young people.”

While all students participate in at least one event throughout the day, and have a chance to meet with recruiters, two of Lahaina’s brightest stars are getting a lot of attention. Mahelona says that Junior Rachel Driscol is one of the greatest minds he’s ever seen pass through the halls of Pu’u. Rachel has already been recognized by her school, the state of Hawaii, and Veilcorp for her achievements. Her wearable echolocation system has piqued the interest of many, and she is sure to have a busy day. Tap prodigy Kaholo Mae will have fine art schools, and entertainment reps dancing at a chance to meet the young man who has been called “grace given flesh.”

“It’s going to be hard having two famous people in the family,” says Rachel’s father and local celebrity John Driscol. He says that his daughter has been amazing people with her knowledge and inventions since she could ride a bike. “She built this electric motor for her bike before we took off the training wheels. Man that thing was fast!” John says he’s proud of his daughter’s accomplishments, and jokes that he didn’t have anything to do with cultivating her intellect. “There’s quite an age gap between Rachel and her siblings, I hadn’t really planned on being a dad again this late in my life. Honestly, she interfered with a lot of my beach time. On top of that she was a disagreeable baby. There were days that I thought she’d never stop crying, and I couldn’t wait to hand her off when my wife came home. Then one day, I was trying to listen to the audio directions to restart our smart home monitoring system, and she stopped crying. I had her listen to all kinds of instructions that day. It turned out she loved listening to textbooks, and anything else long and boring. It just goes to show you how tricky kids are. I spent way more time with her siblings, and there’s nothing special about them; but the one I leave in a room listening to a robot voice reading a dictionary all day turns out to be a genius.”

Kana Mae, mother of Kaholo Mae, on the other hand says she worked hard to cultivate her son’s love of the fine arts. “He was dancing in the womb,” she says. “Seriously, he’d kick his feet in time with the rhythm of whatever I was listening to, and he made his taste in music known even then. He seemed to love jazz, and the old standards the most. I could feel him shim sham and boogie drop whenever I’d listen to one of his favorite records, and he’d hitch kick me right in the ribs if I was listening to anything too loud or aggressive. As soon as he could walk he was dancing. I glued taps to the bottom of his footie pajamas, and when he got older he spent every penny of his allowance on outfits, hats, shoes, and canes. There was a point a few years ago that I thought I’d never get all the sequins and glitter out of the carpet.”

Kaholo blushes when listening to his mother’s stories about his early passion for dance. “It’s kind of embarrassing, but it’s all true,” he says. When asked about how he and the other students feel about the showcase, and the pressure Mae says, “I just try and back shoulder roll with it. Everyone says my Bandy Twist is amazing, but what is really amazing is my dance crew, and all the other talented kids showing off what makes them special. With the student leadership conference in town this week as well, I’m really looking forward to letting off some steam at the dance this evening, and meeting kids from all over. I think if everyone had a chance to see what we are bringing to the stage and table, they wouldn’t worry about the future. When I look around Pu’u, and the leadership conference, I know that my generation is more than capable of handling anything that gets thrown our way.”

STORYLINE

University of Maui Lahaina College To Host Free Drone Boot Camp

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So you bought yourself a drone because you thought it’d be fun to fly around. However, despite what the manufacturer promised, piloting one isn’t “a breeze”, it feels more like brain surgery. On top of that, you had no idea there were so many rules and regulations covering their operation. If this story sounds familiar, don’t worry. The University of Maui Lahaina College wants to help. The school will be hosting a free drone boot camp this weekend to teach owners how to safely and legally, fly their drones.

Dean Richard Mahelona says, “Drones aren’t just a fad anymore. They’re almost as common as birds in the sky around Lahaina. We want to help the public learn how to safely use these amazing machines without worry, and without inadvertently breaking any laws. We’ll have a number of experts available at the event to help guide drone owners of all skill levels, and best of all it’s free!”

The boot camp is open to anyone ages 10 or older wanting to learn a wide range of drone related skills including: piloting, maintenance, and regulations. Participants must register online and bring their own drone. The event is limited to 100 participants, but is free, and others are welcome to come and watch. “We just want to make the skies safer for everyone,” says Mahelona.

With the expansion of Glimpsea across the island, and the the creation of the Veil News Network (VNN), more and more companies are turning to drone technology for a number of their needs; but it’s not just businesses filling the skies with drones. The number of private citizens who own a drone has gone up over 200% in the past 10 years. With that increase has come dozens of close-calls, accidents, and complaints as well as a couple of high profile incidents that put lives in danger, most recently one involving a VNN drone. “It’s those kind of incidents that we’re trying to prevent,” says local inventor and boot camp instructor Ano Lee.

“We were all newbs once,” Lee says. “I try and go over more than just the hows and whys in a class. I go over all the real things a droner needs to know before they fly their machines. There are a many things that seem like a ton of fun to first time drone owners, but are actually illegal. I make sure to go over everything that a rookie droner might want to try, but shouldn’t. Things like: chasing birds, delivering beer to underage friends, shredding kites, peeking through windows, crashing into other drones, scaring people at night, or following an ex. Just because something sounds like fun, doesn’t mean you should do it. I just wish there was a program like this when I was first getting interested in drones.”

In addition to technical proficiency, piloting skills, and rules and regulations, Lee says he teaches his students everything they need to know about drone culture. “It may be a fast growing hobby, but it’s still not a huge club,” he says. Ano says that it is as important for people to understand and embrace the drone community, as it is to understand the rules and regulations laid out by the government.

“I believe operators have a responsibility to change the negative stereotypes surrounding drone ownership. We have to be good stewards for the droner community. I try to explain that to my students, and give them a few tips on fitting in. We discuss how important it is to add a custom paint job to your drone, making sure you use complimentary colors, and only high-quality graphics. A great drone owner, has a drone with a great name. You want to pick something that really speaks to your personality, and helps convey your message, while avoiding things that sound lame. The Wind Walker, The Scarlet Swift, The Moon Chaser, and The Wisp are all awesome names. Lastly, for those who can afford it, I explain how useful having a custom casing can be for a first-timer. I recommend your favorite spaceship, or a realistic bird casing. The Glimpsea Gull model is amazing, and except for the weird fans sticking out, it’s almost indistinguishable from the real thing. It’s a great icebreaker when you’re around other droners. I’m actually running a casing mod special at my maker facility. Just come down to the tchotchke hut and tell them you heard about the offer, and we’ll give you 15% off your first custom casing. We expect demand to be pretty high this weekend, so please hurry before we run out of plastic.”

STORYLINE

Audit Finds DMV Worker Harassed Customers Five Hours a Day for Over Two Years

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A state audit of the Hawaii Department of Motor Vehicles uncovered that an employee used over half of her work day to pursue what she called “Licensing Cheats,” for over two years. According to the report, 25-year-old Esther Hele, spent five hours a day harassing residents about overdue registration forms and lapsed licenses, all while her supervisor’s knew. Hele has been placed on administrative leave pending the outcome of an internal review, and criminal investigation.

Officials say that Hele used her job as a data operator, updating information on various transfer and ownership forms, to begin a “vehicle registration vigilante” campaign that lasted over two years. From July 2048 through August 2050, Hele skipped at least 2,600 hours’ worth of work, costing the Hawaiian public more than $72,000.

“It’s beyond me how this person slipped through the cracks, or how her managers are still employed,” says Mayor Alberts Cravalho. Residents are asking the same questions this morning, especially with the announcement of criminal charges of menacing and harassment filed against the Lahaina native.

While her direct supervisor refused an interview, her manager’s attorney did provide a statement which reads in part: “…It is hard to explain what it’s like to work for an organization that is so maligned by the public. If we fully investigated every complaint that came in we’d have to close at least another two lines, and that would just lead to more complaints. A big part of my job is to figure out to what degree my employees aren’t doing their jobs. I talked to Esther, and she seemed just bad to me. I know now that she was in fact, terrible. I regret, and apologize for not seeing that earlier.”

However, apologies aren’t enough for some of Hele’s victims. Dozens of claims regarding stalking, harassment, vandalism, and even threats of bodily harm are being investigated by Lahaina police. Hailoha driver Mark Me’e is one such victim of the troubled DMV worker’s campaign of persecution. He says the trouble all started when he purchased a new car, and let the insurance and registration lapse on his previous vehicle. Me’e says that he ignored the reminders he received since he planned on eventually scrapping his old car, and now wishes he hadn’t. Mark says things started taking a strange turn a few weeks after his first reminder, when Esther started showing up in his social media circles.

“One day I got this message from someone named Esther asking about my job at Hailoha. I didn’t know who she was, so I did a little investigating, and found that she was on almost all my friends and family’s friends lists. I couldn’t figure out how someone I had never heard of before could be friends with almost everyone I knew. I thought maybe I had gone to high school with Esther, and just forgot her.

Then she started asking me about my car all the time, saying things like, ‘You know Hailoha requires every drive to follow all applicable traffic laws, including having your vehicle properly registered, right?’ My mom called me one day saying she had just talked to a lady at the DMV who said I was breaking the law by not registering my car. I figured it was Esther. I contacted her supervisor and made a complaint, and she called me within minutes telling me that I could fool her boss, but not her. She sent pictures of me, and my old car that she had pulled from my work profile page. I told her that I didn’t drive that car anymore. I mean she had all my information, she could see that I registered a new car, but she wouldn’t hear it. Things just got worse.

She contacted my girlfriend saying I was cheating on her in my unregistered vehicle. She called Hailoha and told them that I had provided them with counterfeit insurance documents. I started getting threatening notes in my mailbox, and on my car whenever I went inside a store, warning me that the DMV had the right to charge interest on fines. It was getting out of hand!

It came to a head one night when I got an alert that someone way out in the preservation zone needed a ride. When I got out there I saw what I thought was an old woman all wrapped in a blanket. She got in, and I made some joke about her not having to worry about getting cold, but she didn’t say much. It was about 10 minutes into our ride when she started asking about my old car, and her voice changed. It sounded familiar to me, but it took me a moment to figure out it was Esther in disguise. I slammed on the breaks, put it in park, and ran the rest of the way into town. Later, they found my car parked in my driveway. I don’t know what she had planned, but it wasn’t good.”

Hele had no comment about the complaints against her, and is free on bail. She has plead not guilty and is expected in court next month.

STORYLINE

Daredevil’s Attempt To Recreate Failed Stunt Hits Roadblock

For reality TV and streaming star Randy Wilcox, October 1st was going to be a day of redemption, a chance to recreate the stunt that almost took his life, hopefully with a different result this time. However, that chance to “make things right” as Wilcox says, has been put on hold after the Mayor’s Office has decided to withdraw their approval for his second attempt to leap off the Lahaina communications tower into a pool of Manimal. Spokesperson Ellen Pahili says that Mr. Wilcox has “failed to make any meaningful changes to the emergency plan filed with the county”, making the stunt too dangerous to attempt.

Everyone in Lahaina remembers where they were when they heard the news about the accident, and many witnessed it first hand. Well known for his many stunts, reality series, and backyard wrestling show, Wilcox is no stranger to the public eye. It came as no surprise that he would be the main attraction to close out Manimal’s, “Release the Beast Weekend.” Nonetheless, what he was proposing caused even his most diehard fans to pause.

Wilcox planned to climb Lahaina’s communication tower, light his fireproof jumpsuit on fire, run 30 feet down a zipline, and leap into a specially constructed pool of Manimal waiting below. Needless to say things did not go as planned. Now, almost five months later Wilcox says his quest for redemption is being blocked by bureaucrats.

“It took almost 4 months of procedures and therapy for me to get back to where I was. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, and the chance to make the jump again was the only thing that kept me going,” Wilcox says.

“I hadn’t counted on the wind to be that strong. Everything was going as planned until I started to freefall. My cape was catching a lot of air, and I could tell it was pushing me off course. I tried to take it off, but I wasn’t fast enough. I landed on the edge, and heard the bones in my back and pelvis break before I felt them. My momentum spun me head first into the pool while I was screaming. If that wasn’t bad enough, I now know that Manimal is a non-Newtonian fluid at certain temperatures, so even the liquid was harder than I had anticipated. I got a big mouthful before I could take a breath, but at least it put out the fire. I couldn’t move, I was broken, and drowning in a pool of energy drink, but the last thing I thought before blacking out was, ‘Well Randy, you’re just going to have to try and do this without the cape next time.’ That’s exactly what I plan to do.”

Despite his eagerness, the mayor’s office is not sold on a second attempt. They point out that Mr. Wilcox isn’t even done with rehab yet, has made no material changes to the stunt, and has not filed the proper emergency/safety plans necessary for a permit. “We aren’t doing this to further injure Randy. We’re doing it to help him. We have a duty to protect the citizens of Maui, even if it is from themselves,” says spokesperson Ellen Pahili. “We all love watching Randy’s antics but this one is too much. We won’t help someone kill themselves over lost pride.”

Wilcox admits that recreating the stunt is personal for him, but says the jump is also about bigger ideals like courage, determination, and overcoming adversity. He adds that he plans to donate all proceeds from his second attempt to the Lahaina Fire Department and other first responders. “They are the best in the world,” he says. “Besides the Release the Beast jump, I have had a long and personal relationship over the years with Lahaina’s emergency services. They have helped me many times when things haven’t gone as planned. It’s only right that I give a little back. I hope I can reach an agreement with the Mayor’s Office. I’m doing this for everyone who’s been told that they can’t or shouldn’t set themselves on fire, and leap off a tower into a pool of energy drink, just because it almost killed them the last time.”

Many agree with Wilcox, and an online petition has been started asking the mayor to issue the required permit before the Oct. 1 deadline. Among his most vocal supporters is none other than Manimal CEO Spencer Kane. Kane says he is in awe at the speed of Wilcox’s recovery and determination. He says that Randy deserves a second chance at “awesomeness.”

“Randy has been a great customer over the years and is a perfect example of what can happen when maximum energy and hydration collides with total determination. Like everyone who watched the first jump, I was horrified, but I think Randy just let his inner beast a little too loose that day. I’m sure he’s tightened things up for this time around. I’m not a doctor, but I’ve heard it theorized that Randy’s amazing recovery was in part due to his immediate immersion in Manimal. Some say that the energy boosting chemicals and compounds helped support him, and gave his failing systems the extra push they needed to keep going. I hate to think what might have happened if he had crashed into a pool of lesser drink. Manimal was there for him that day, and we plan on being there for him on the first.”

STORYLINE

Kalani Beach renaming ceremony held as statue controversy continues to build

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A section of beach was renamed in honor of Layla Kalani this morning. Almost 2 months ago, a wide-ranging search was officially ended after a storm capsized a vessel that the surfing champion was aboard. In the subsequent hours after the accident, Kalani would make multiple trips back to the partially submerged vessel, ferrying survivors to safety on a damaged surfboard. The story has gripped the hearts of people around the world and inspired a number of tributes for the Manimal spokesperson. However, not all the tributes have been well received.

During the Maui leg of her farewell tour, Kalani returned to the Lahaina beach where she rose to fame in 2023. Mayor Albert Cravalho renamed it in her honor today in a small ceremony attended by family and friends. He told those assembled,

“I’ve known Layla for a long time. I had the pleasure of watching her grow from a delightful little girl into the amazing woman we all knew, loved, and respected. She was a true sistah of Lahaina. All week I’ve heard people say, “Kalani kept kicking” out of respect for her bravery and selflessness. Perhaps that is her most important legacy, an enduring example of not giving up, even in the face of a seemingly impossible task. I know that Layla would probably be embarrassed about this ceremony and the fact that she has a beach named after her in her home town. She’d say that she only did what anyone else would do in the same situation. As if saving the lives of eight people by swimming through a storm after your boat sinks is something that happens everyday. That’s just who she was, a brave and beautiful original who will be greatly missed. I hope that giving this beach her name helps future generations remember her sacrifice and reminds them how important it is to never give in to doubt or despair. When all hope was lost, Kalani kept kicking. She was an inspiration to us all.”

While many supported the renaming ceremony, not every tribute has garnered public support. In particular, a statue donated to the West Maui Children’s Hospital by the Manimal corporation has been called a “thirty-foot monument to tone-deafness” and has many residents asking, “What were they thinking?”

For years Kalani had donated most of her free time to working with children at the hospital. She made sure there was always enough Manimal to drink, taught the kids how to surf, and offered an open invitation to her movie premieres and special events for all the kids who were able to attend. Layla had become an important fixture at the hospital and her loss was especially hard for patients and employees alike. That’s why senior staff and the administration say they were thrilled when approached by Manimal about donating a statue in her honor. However, many say their exhilaration turned to disbelief when the tribute was unveiled.

Measuring slightly over 30 feet, the monument is topped by a statue depicting a kicking and grim-faced Layla gripping a damaged surfboard. The base has numerous Manimal drinking fountains and so many high-powered floodlights that it can be seen all the way from Front Street. Residents immediately complained about the statue saying, “She looks crazy up there. Like a giant angry streetlight!” The hospital has taken issue with the number of insects that the lights and free-flowing Manimal attract on a daily basis. But it is the inscription on the base that everyone seems to find the most egregious. A play on the “Kalani kept kicking” motto that has spread across the island, the inscription reads, “Keep Kicking Kids!”

“It’s tasteless obviously,” says Preservation Zone Compliance Officer Elizabeth Stonegate, a vocal critic of the Kalani statue. Stonegate says that she doesn’t understand how the tribute got beyond the planning stage and has numerous issues with the monument.

“I’m going to carefully review the permit application submitted by Manimal. While the eyesore is not strictly within the preservation zone, it is attracting an inordinate number of insects and protected species that feed on them. But more importantly, I have to wonder about celebrating someone with such poor judgement in the first place. Ms. Kalani had no training in rescuing anyone from a pool let alone a stormy ocean at night. As far as any of us know, those people would have been just fine if they waited for a qualified rescue by people who get paid to pluck survivors from the water. The only thing we know for sure is: it cost her her life, and wasted hundreds of Coast Guard hours that could have been used for better things. I don’t think heading out for a 3 mile swim in rough seas, when you’re already tired, is the kind of decision making we should be holding up as an example for our children. I know we shouldn’t be erecting 30’ monuments to that kind of carelessness.”

Manimal CEO Spencer Kane says he doesn’t know what all the anger is about.

“The backlash has hit us like a rogue wave. I think she looks fierce, like the warrior she was. I find it hard to believe that some of the kids are scared of the statue. Our love for Layla was larger than life and we wanted a monument that matched those feelings. That’s why we spent so much money on a lighting system that was second to none. Each of the main lights produce 6 million candle power, that’s as much as your standard WWII searchlight. We’ve offered to electrify them to help combat the insects, but nobody seems interested in working with us. Another point that I think has been missed in the media, is that we’re committed to keeping the Manimal fountains flowing for the life of the company. That could be millions in free Manimal eventually. If that doesn’t properly express how serious we are about this tribute, I don’t know what can. I’ve heard that some of the parents have complained about the inscription, that’s why we’ve offered to add a comma to make the message more clear. Honestly, I don’t know what else we can do.”

STORYLINE

Authorities Dismantle Massive SSHAM Money Laundering Enterprise

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Federal authorities say that they have shutdown one of the largest money laundering rings Hawaii has ever seen. According to papers filed on Thursday, the criminal enterprise laundered over $350 million in the past 5 years. However, it is not the amount of money that 40-year-old Alex Luahi processed that is garnering so much attention. It is the way he laundered the money, and the way he got caught that is grabbing headlines all the way to the mainland. According to prosecutors, Luahi was laundering money as the island’s largest SSHAM distributer.

Officials say the Luahi family have long ties to criminal organizations in Hawaii. Alex’s father served as a lieutenant in the famous Hawaiian crime syndicate known as The Company. For almost 30 years, The Company controlled virtually all criminal activity on the islands but was stopped in the 1990s. However, many escaped prosecution and some of the criminal elements that filled the void began their own enterprises, eventually becoming clients of Alex.

Authorities claim that Alex worked as a middleman for many years, holding stolen property and hiding vehicles in his warehouses before taking advantage of his job as a food distributor. They say everything began to change 5-years ago when Alex began to launder money for a number of organizations. At the same time Luahi began his criminal enterprise, his legitimate business was booming, making him the biggest SSHAM distributer in Hawaii. At any given time, Luahi warehouses held over a million cans of: SSHAM, SSHAM Less, and SSHAM Extra Spicy in inventory. However, Lauhi’s success, notoriety, and personal indulgences began to concern some of his clients.

Everyone on the island began to know Alex as the SSHAM Chief because of his lavish lifestyle, and his fleet of SSHAM styled cars. Insiders say Luahi would hold extravagant theme parties for friends and clients every weekend. Ice sculptured cans, SSHAM fountains, and grand buffets with the canned meat product served in every imaginable way, greeted guests and started rumors circulating.

It was said that Luahi’s office desk was covered in silver trays heaping with slices of pure SSHAM that had never seen the inside of a can, and that he was working on a dehydrated smokable version. Many other outlandish excesses were attributed to the SSHAM Chief as well. He made headlines last year when he donated all the SSHAM at SSHAM Fest from his personal stock. It was then that authorities began to take notice of Luahi’s operation, and his criminal customers started making their concerns known.

Things came to a head last month after 28-year-old Rodger Hihio crashed a truck containing 24 tons of artisanal SSHAM and damaged much of the load. For many foodies and SSHAM aficionados summer means one thing, the release of the First Pressing Reserve, the finest SSHAM of the year. Many wait all year to stock-up on the seasonal delicacy. It is not unusual for stores to sell out within hours. With the crash destroying around 10% of the total supply, the price began to soar. When Luahi announced he was personally keeping another 10% of the supply as an investment, the ensuing publicity was the last straw.

According to papers filed on Thursday, Alex’s frightened brother Craig came to the feds looking for help and protection. A quality control manager at the SSHAM factory in Lahaina, Craig claimed to have limited knowledge about the business itself, but admitted falsifying manifests and records. He told authorities that he and his family had been threatened and he feared that his brother’s life was in danger saying that, “All that salty-spicy-shrimped goodness has gone to his head. He can’t see past all the empty First Press Select cans anymore. He’s put himself and his family in danger over crazy parties and canned meat.”

The Treasury Department’s Office of Investigations (OIG) and other federal authorities say the arrests this morning are just the beginning of an ongoing 6 month investigation, and that more are coming. The self proclaimed SSHAM Chief Alex Luahi is facing 36 counts of money laundering and fraud. He is expected to enter a plea sometime early next week.

STORYLINE

Hungry Boar Breaks Into Second Big Bites Store

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For the second time in as many weeks, cameras have caught a hungry boar breaking into an area Big Bites location, and eating thousands of dollars worth of merchandise. The Lahaina police say they responded to an alarm at 2332 Lahainaluna Road early Saturday, only to find signs of a break-in and a vandalized store. Upon review of the security footage, it was discovered that the burglar was a familiar, but unusual looking boar, making a pig out of himself on the store’s products. Officials say that it is extremely rare for a boar to come so close to the city, and warn the public to stay away, and call the DLNR if they spot the beast.

Nicknamed “Fatback” because of it’s strangely colored hump and bulbous eyes, the animal has become a bit of an online sensation since the release of a video last Monday. The footage shows the beast breaking into the first Big Bites location, and treating the store like a buffet. This latest video has only increased interest, and has some calling the incidents publicity stunts, or even proof of the urban legend of the the Shrig.

Lahaina Police posted a video on their YouTube and Glimpsea pages last week titled-“Big Boar Likes Big Bites”- that showed the boar eating sausage, and later, jerky from a cooler that it had opened with its snout. The video soon had millions of views world wide, with many calling the video some sort of viral campaign, a claim officials vehemently deny.

A police spokesperson says, “I can understand why people would be dubious. The boar looks and acts strangely, and it has now broken into two different locations of the same meat-centric convenience store. However, if this job has taught me anything, it’s that once you think you’ve seen it all, something like this happens and reminds you that you haven’t.”

Greg Iona of the Department of Land and Natural Resources says that it is extremely rare for a boar to wander so close to people, especially on this part of the island. He says that the boar is likely injured, and unable to find food normally due to its deformities, making it extremely dangerous.

“Boar attacks are rare but not unheard of. A family was viciously attacked in the Hana Forest Reserve back in 2025. In that case, several people were hospitalized and the boar was euthanized. However, that was on the opposite end of the island. We just don’t see a lot of boars in the Lahaina area, and I’ve never heard of one breaking into a store, let alone doing it twice. I’ve looked at the security footage, and in my opinion this animal’s deformity has left it unable to fend for itself. Pigs are very smart, and unfortunately this one has started to associate human sounds and smells with food, making it very dangerous. We’re talking about an animal strong enough to break down a door to get what it wants. We are doing everything we can to capture the animal before it causes any further damage or hurts someone seriously.”

Bob Abramo, owner of the Big Bites chain, also denies that the videos are a publicity stunt, but says he is conflicted about the break-ins and the boar itself. “There’s no doubt that Fatback has been good for business, but he has ruined over 100 pounds of premium sausage, and eaten $1000 worth of the world’s best jerky so far. He obviously has great taste, but he’s taking meat out of my mouth, and that’s something I just can’t have.”

Abramo has offered a reward to anyone who is able to bag the beast, or facilitate its capture, with the condition that he gets the boar. He says,

“I’m an eye for an eye, and a bite for a bite kind of guy. Anyone who is able to bring me Fatback, alive or dead, will get a free weekly meal at The Chop House for a year. I’m talking about a good meal too, with appetizers and mandatory dessert. You’ll leave stuffed. Part of the reason some Iberian hams are so good is that the pigs eat almost nothing but acorns during the Fall. This gives the meat a distinctive nutty aftertaste. What an animal eats is hugely important to its flavor. In this case, we have an animal who has been living for the past few weeks on some of the best meat and meat snacks in the world. I can’t wait to taste him! Fattened up on the Abramo premium sausage blend, with smoky-salty notes of select jerky…..I can’t stop my mouth from watering to be honest. The DLNR has estimated him to weigh over 300 pounds from the video, but i’d guess he’s closer to 400. That’s a lot of double pork sandwiches to help settle my nerves and stomach.”

STORYLINE

Search for surfing champion Layla Kalani is officially called off

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All of Lahaina is in mourning today as the Coast Guard officially announced the end of its search for actress, surfing champion, and Womanimal spokesperson Layla Kalani. The surfing legend has been missing 6 days with no sign of her found yet. The announcement was expected, but has still sent shockwaves through the sporting world. Layla would have turned 50 last week.

It was supposed to be the final jewel in the crown of the surfing queen. Often athletes have a hard time with the idea of retirement, but Layla decided on going out big. Her plan was to spend the days leading up to her 50th birthday paddling her board to all the Hawaiian islands. Her production company and a small Manimal crew would film her surfing each island, and her journey, for a documentary about her life.

Starting in Kailua Kona on the big island, Kalani had made it past Molokai and was heading towards Kailua when the trouble began. According to investigators, unbeknownst to the crew of Layla’s support boat, a crack had formed in the freshwater tank, filling the spaces between the hull and making the vessel extremely unbalanced. Layla was onboard having a meal when a rogue storm hit. The boat capsized before anyone could call for help.

The survivors say Kalani took charge immediately and they credit her with their lives. According to a member of the film crew.

“Before we knew it we were in the water. The front of Layla’s board was cracked and the boat was almost upside down. I’m not the best swimmer and I thought I was done, but Layla helped me climb higher up the hull and told me to keep kicking if I slipped down. I told her I couldn’t swim, but she told me it would be alright, “just keep kicking”. She helped a couple of us on her board and said she’d be back. After a while she returned for another board full. She said the same thing each time, “keep kicking”. Eventually it was my turn. I’m not sure how long it took for her to get us all to the beach, it seemed like days. I thought that she’d gotten everyone, but a couple of PA’s went for help when they got to the beach so our final count was short. Layla said she was going back out to the boat to make sure nobody was left behind. By that time the sun was coming up. Kalani kept kicking all night for the crew. That was the last we saw of her, kicking the broken board that saved us all back out there, towards the rising sun. I’ll never forget that image.”

Officially declared lost at sea, Kalani’s life and heroic end was the topic of every discussion in the news this morning. Many of her competitors and celebrities have sent their condolences to her friends and family, as well as expressing shock and sadness over her loss. CEO of Manimal Spencer Kane seemed especially hard hit over the news. Unable to talk at a scheduled press conference this afternoon, a spokesperson read his statement which said in part, “When I met Layla she was just a teenager. We were just a small group of people who had a dream to make the best sports drink the world had ever seen. She was just a kid with a dream of being the world’s best surfer. We took a chance on her, and she took a chance on us. I thought she was special when we first met but when I watched her jump on that shark I knew I was right. That was when millions of others learned what I knew about Layla. She helped make Manimal what it is today. I’m so bummed that I cancelled our annual corporate wakeboarding event this afternoon. It’s going to be a while before I can handle gnarly waves again. Her actions after the accident don’t surprise me, Kalani kept kicking like a Womanimal until the end.”

STORYLINE

Expansion of Controversial Drone Privacy Law Proposed

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Love it or hate it, if you’re a Maui native chances are you have an opinion on HRS-986, more commonly known as the drone privacy law. The legislation has ruffled plenty of feathers and interfered with numerous public events over the past year, but now privacy advocates want to expand the program to all public cameras and businesses participating in Glimpsea’s Lahaina View Project. If passed, business owners will be forced to verbally warn all patrons that they are being filmed “for marketing and security purposes” and obtain a signed release.

The subject of countless parodies on late-night television and spawning thousands of memes, the drone privacy act was supposed to protect the privacy of Maui citizens and the millions of tourists who visit every year. After a number of high-profile incidents involving the Veilcorp drones that continuously film activities on the island, HRS-986 promised to protect anonymity and curtail where the drones could film, a promise many say the law didn’t keep.

Forcing Veilcorp drones to broadcast a warning message whenever entering a new area or switching targets while filming, there were issues almost immediately. Weddings were ruined, as drones repeated the warning for each guest in attendance. One infamous video shows drones pursuing a funeral procession and drowning out speakers at a memorial service. Bird watchers and nature enthusiasts say the drone warnings scared away wildlife and disturbed the peaceful beauty of the preservation zone. Some conservationists even blame the automated announcements on the sharp decline in nesting sites of the Palila, a critically endangered finch-billed species of Hawaiian honeycreeper.

Overnight it became impossible to go anywhere outside and not eventually hear, “Pursuant to HRS-986, The Hawaiian Drone acknowledgment act of 2050, You are on notice that you are being filmed and agree to have your image captured and streamed for marketing and security purposes.” With their automated movements, pranksters began to place whirligigs & wind spinners in lawns late at night to attract drones and wake up entire neighborhoods with 85 decibels of privacy concerns.

With so much bad press it may seem strange that anyone is pushing to expand the program, but privacy groups say there is a need to protect against the public intrusions created by Glimpsea’s Lahaina View Project as well. They say the network of public and private cameras are a threat to anonymity and are concerned about the recently announced facial recognition abilities of the system.

“Uncle” Ralph Umeke, owner of the popular Hula Noodle eatery, and a Lahaina fixture is not a fan of the proposed expansion, calling it, “unmitigated nonsense!”

“It’s bad enough that they got those mechanical parrots buzzing around repeating that nonsense like a broken record, but now they want me to read a statement to everyone who comes into the shop and have them sign papers too? It’s nonsense! Do you know how busy I am during the lunch rush? If I have to read a statement and get paperwork for each individual who wants some noodles on a Friday afternoon, there’s going to be a whole lot of people who don’t get anything to eat. I like to listen to contented slurping in the shop, not my voice declaring, “This business operates within the Lahaina View Zone. Your image will likely be recorded for commercial purposes while you engage in commerce here.” It’s stupid! You already can barely hear the waves over the drone announcements at the beach some days. I’m not going to do the same inside my shop while people try to enjoy their food.”

Many business owners feel the same as Umeke but backers of the new legislation say the law will go a long way to foster goodwill with the public. Privacy advocate and author of such books as, “Stop Talking To Me: A Guide in Elevator Etiquette” Kevin Morrow says that the new law is needed to fill in the cracks left by HRS -986.

“HRS-987-4 simply adds protections to anyone filmed by the numerous cameras downtown participating in Glimpsea’s misguided enterprise. Models need to sign waivers for the use of their images and they’re getting paid. I think the general public deserves at least the same protections as someone wearing the latest flip-flop line for money.

The truth of the matter is that every year millions of people are devastated by the effects of mistimed photography and misleading video. Whether it’s a school picture taken during a blink, a wedding video catching a drunk uncle pantsless due to a belt malfunction, or someone being falsely labeled a wine spiller because of a handful of incidents, these sorts of permanent reminders of brief seconds of embarrassment are unacceptable.

Unfortunately, I have personal experience in how pictures can create and perpetuate false narratives. Many years ago I innocently spilled wine while filling glasses at a family get together. Luckily, I was able to move past the fumbling and my normally critical family didn’t mention it for the rest of the evening. I didn’t think much of it until it happened again at Christmas. This time, however, it was caught on film and posted to social media for my ridicule.

I was viciously labeled a “Spiller” by friends and family, even though my cousin Randy clearly hit the table the third and fourth time it happened on camera. I no longer felt safe at family events and refused to attend them to avoid any other labels and damage to my character. I even began to doubt my ability to pour other liquids, causing me great embarrassment and difficulty. With the help of my doctor and my plastic support pitcher, I was slowly able to gain my confidence back. I’m happy to announce that I can once again pour freely around the house without any issues. However, if this law had been around then, it may have saved me several years of struggle. We have a duty to protect the public from situations like mine. We need to guard against red-eye pictures, misguided vacation wardrobe decisions, and improperly recorded audio. That is why I believe HRS-987-4 is an important step in the right direction.”

STORYLINE

New Manimal Drink Helps Fuel Couple’s Unlikely Rescue

A pair of extreme tree climbers were saved over the weekend after falling, and suffering serious injuries late Friday night. 27-year-old Craig Hema and his wife 25-year-old Brook, suffered broken bones and internal injuries after a failed attempt to climb Okilani, an ancient Ohi’a tree in the news recently because of its amazing growth spurt. However, it’s not the couples accident that has caught the public’s attention, it is how the pair, with the help of a new Manimal formula, saved themselves from a potentially deadly situation.

Maui has become a hotspot for recreational tree climbers over the past few years. With the discovery of many unusually large trees in remote locations, like the venerable Okilani, and the abundance of huge banyans across the island, climbers from around the world are seeking out the challenges offered by the Hawaiian wilds. Extreme free-climbing enthusiasts, the Hema’s have climbed virtually everything over the years from buildings, bridges, to mountains, but it is huge trees that have grabbed their attention lately. “It was our dream to climb every species over 130 feet tall. When we read about Okilani, we packed our gear, our Manimal Black, and bought tickets to Maui,” says Brook.

With a map to the ancient tree’s location purchased from a local, and one of the public Manimal ATVs, the pair set off to find their target. “The map wasn’t exactly accurate. By time we found her, it was already getting dark, and our ATV had died,” says Craig. “We had less than an hour of light left and heck of a long hike in the morning, so I decided we should hurry up and climb. That was a huge mistake.”

During their climb a branch broke under Brook, causing her to fall on Craig, and bringing both tumbling to the ground. Brook suffered a sprained knee, a broken hand, and multiple contusions, Craig however was not so lucky. A broken pelvis and multiple rib fractures made it almost impossible for the 27-year-old climber to move. Knowing that they would have to spend the night, Brook started a fire to see them through until morning.

“It was so cold that night, and I was having a hard time keeping Craig awake. I was afraid that if he fell asleep, he wouldn’t wake up. Luckily, we had plenty of Manimal Black to keep us awake. I knew that there was no chance he’d fall asleep pumped with so many energy charged chemicals coursing through him. Even though the bottle says not to drink more than one can every six hours, I gave him three to pound in a row. It worked! We made it through the night, and by morning Craig was really jittery and anxious to leave. Since a god portion of the way out was going to be downhill, my plan was to put him on the ATV and push him as far as I could before going out on my own for help. I packed up our stuff and poured some of the Manimal on the fire and something amazing happened. Instead of putting it out, the fire flamed up, singeing my hair. That gave me an idea.”

“When Brook said she was going to pour the rest of our Manimal Black into the ATV’s emergency tank, I told her it would never work. I’ve never been so glad to be wrong,” says Craig. “I couldn’t believe it when the motor turned over, even if it sounded terrible. The engine was knocking, it would backfire a cloud of really sour smelling fumes every now and then, and the air around us tasted like salt, but it was definitely running. We had to go slow because every bump was agony, and the engine light came on almost right away, but we made it to a main road right before the engine seized. I’ll never go anywhere again without a Manimal Black in my bag. I truly believed in saved my life,” adds Craig.

The couple were treated at the Lahaina Medical center, where Craig remains due to the severity of his injuries. DLNR Senior Investigator Greg Iona has ticketed the pair for the damage caused to Okilani, but says the tree will survive. “This is a living thing that has been around for over 4,000 years. It has seen the rise and fall of countless governments and civilizations. It has seen amazing leaps in science and technology, and the worst follies of man. Above all, it deserves to not be treated as someone’s personal jungle gym. It deserves our respect. I’m glad that the only thing permanently damaged in this case was the ATVs engine, but we can not allow the exploitation of protected flora on the island. I hope they’ve learned their lesson.”

Manimal CEO Spencer Kane, on the other hand, says that the Hema’s story is an inspiration, and he’s glad that Manimal was there when they needed it.

“Manimal Black is the most powerful energy drink ever created. There’s a reason the label says: Do not drink more than 1 can every 6 hours, not suitable for children, pregnant woman, and those sensitive to extreme hydration. We warn about jitters, unusual redness, dizziness and hot flashes, but I guess we’re going to have to add something about keeping it away from open flames,” he jokes. “In all seriousness, Manimal Black promises that it’s an overly salted, aggressively sour lemon/lime…..punch to the face. Sometimes in a crisis that’s exactly what you need. I’m glad Manimal Black could help the Hemas make it through what could have been a really dark day. We wish them many more awesome adventures with a can of Manimal by their side. Manimal Black is the perfect fuel for peak human performance, however, our legal department feels it’s necessary for me to point out that it should never be used as a fuel or fuel additive in any vehicle. It can cause misfires, reduced engine power, knocking, valve fouling, catalytic poisoning, it can act as a solvent, and can potentially cause permanent damage to your vehicle.”