STORYLINE

Lahaina Merchants Association Reopens Public Kalua Pits

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For the past 10 years you’ve counted on the Lahaina Merchants Association’s public roasting pits to provide a safe and convenient place to cook large meals for your friends and family. We understand that our kalua pits have become like a second kitchen for many of you, and you’ve come to trust the Association’s commitment to safeguarding this valuable public resource. This trust was tested recently, and we had to temporarily close down this important service. We apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused. However, we are excited to announce that we have opened the pits to the public again, and have installed new safety measures and procedures to ensure your continued protection.

It is an accepted fact that cooking in a ground oven, or imu, produces some of the best tasting meat you can imagine. For thousands of years our ancestors have been using heated rocks and pit ovens to slow cook communal meals, and it has become a staple technique for traditional Hawaiian cooking. Unfortunately, like everything else, the fracture has made this style of food preparation dangerous.

Digging a properly sized pit can be a time-consuming process, and can lead to a lack of vigilance, making you an easy target. Gathering enough heating stones, and carrying them back can slow you down if you need to leave an area in a hurry. While there is no doubt that the smell will attract neighbors from far and wide, it can also attract many unwanted guests like Nightmarchers or Menehune. Our public kalua pits removed these concerns and had a flawless track record until last week.

There have been many rumors circling around about the exact nature of the incident that forced us to halt operations. Some of these rumors have been quite outlandish, so please allow us to set the record straight and explain precisely what happened.

As I’m sure you are aware, we have always had an “if it has four legs you can roast it” policy. Meals can be hard to come by, and we understand that sometimes your options are limited. The flaw in this policy was highlighted with a perfect storm of mishaps. A recently restored traveler decided to cook a tainted wolf in one of the pits and failed to cover it properly. This would have been bad enough on its own, but the individual also didn’t fully understand the process and used stones they had gathered themselves from a nearby stream. These stones shattered with enough force to spread radioactive wolf meat on everything and everyone in the area, forcing us to shut down.

Thanks to our quick and decisive action, nobody was injured or became ill, but it did show us that we can do better. We have permanently filled in the pit in question and have scrubbed the area of all lingering radiation. The picnic area now falls well within safe levels for long-term exposure. We have hired more onsite help to make sure everyone stays safe and the new rules are being followed. In addition, outside materials can no longer be used in the pits. We will provide complimentary stones and burlap for anyone using the imus. For all the traditionalists, taro, banana, and ti leaves are available for a modest charge.

Regrettably, we have had to put an end to our “four legs” policy. To help ensure the safety of others, we now allow only: pig, deer, fish, rabbits, geese and mea-moa pods to be roasted in the area. However, we are offering a wide variety of spices and flavorings for purchase, to help you kick up the flavor a notch without the potential of contamination.

Finally, we have installed a food testing station to help alleviate any lingering fears you might have. This is a free service for any customer using our imus, and is available to the public in general for a nominal fee.

We apologize again for any difficulty this closure has caused and hope that we can win back your confidence. I believe these new safety guidelines and offerings will only make our service better. We thank you for your continued support and patronage. It’s a dangerous world out there but we’re doing our best to make it safer for you and your family. I can’t promise that you’ll never be covered in the half-raw exploded bits of a radioactive wolf in your life again, only that it won’t happen around our kalua pits.

STORYLINE

Saying Goodbye to Mr. Sprinkles

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All of Tanager Lane is heartbroken this morning. Like many of you, I am still reeling from the fire this weekend. Mrs. Nebbits has been a fixture in the neighborhood even before my ascension to HOA president. For almost 20 years the neighborhood children had a grandmotherly figure to turn to when they needed homemade cookies, or advice and a smile. Her pet pig Mr. Sprinkles was an important part of their lives as well. While Kathy and I didn’t always see things eye to eye, I tried to help her as much as I could and point out problems when I saw them. I just wish I had been more forceful in suggesting that she fix her faulty wiring and stop using so many candles. I dropped by the night of the fire but she was already asleep with Sprinkles curled up at her feet. It’s hard to believe that just a few hours later the flames would change everything.

Mr. Sprinkles’ rise to fame began 11 years ago when he broke out of his house to alert the neighbors that Mrs. Nebbits was hurt. When the paramedics finally forced open the door, they found Kathy at the bottom of the stairs unconscious and lying in a pool of blood. She had a concussion and 26 stitches in her head but she was alive. Who knows what might have happened if Mr. Sprinkles hadn’t gone for help. All of Lahaina was talking about the hero pig of Tanager Lane.

Never one to rest on her laurels, Kathy took this new found fame and she turned it into an opportunity to give back. Her and her pot-bellied partner became a weekly fixture at Molokai General. The sparkling little pig was a favorite of many patients, especially the children. Sprinkles seemed to know who needed a good laugh and who needed to be comforted with a glittery head in their lap and an encouraging oink. The pair touched and literally saved lives with their therapy work. But as the old cliche goes, sometimes bad things happen to good people. According to fire investigator Dan Kukulu, the fire started near her chair where I saw her sleeping that night. He’s unsure if the cause was one of her candles or some faulty electrical work. Whatever the point of ignition, the fire has solved one long-standing problem for me, Mr. Sprinkles.

I know many of you considered him to be the unofficial mascot of Tanager Lane, and that’s the problem. He’s unofficial. You see, even though many of you consider Mr. Sprinkles a scintillating extended family member, he is, in fact, a pig. As such, he is not allowed to be kept inside the preservation zone. The only reason he was allowed to stay with Kathy was that he was here before the rules were put in place and she sued. His exemption burned up in that fire with everything else.

Having no family of her own, it was Mrs. Nebbits’ wish that we collectively take care of Sprinkles until the end of his days. Many of you may think this puts me in a difficult situation, but nothing could be further from the truth. The decision is quite easy actually, because there’s nothing to decide. The rules are quite clear. The pig must go!

I plan on using this unfortunate situation as a teaching opportunity for my kids. If Mrs. Kline had simply followed the rules right away and not sought out a loophole to defy the new law and my authority, this wouldn’t be happening. I’m sure many have wonderful memories of walking the little pig after Kathy got too sick to do it herself. Whenever they think back to those days with a heaviness in their hearts, they’ll remember the importance of guidelines. Following the rules is more important than following your heart. Rules are consistent and forever. Those of you raising your children in single family homes have already taught them that love is fleeting at best, but for the rest of you, this is a great opportunity to teach that lesson.

“But pigs are among the smartest animals on the planet. They can pass the ‘mirror self-recognition test’. That puts them in the same category with chimpanzees, dolphins, and elephants. He knows us,” you might say. Well, if he really is that smart I’m sure he’ll understand that his owner did the wrong thing. The last time I checked, being able to recognize yourself in a mirror does not give you the right to live in Tanager Lane. Besides, for all we know Mr. Sprinkles could have started that fire. Besides me, the pig was the last to see Mrs. Nebbits alive.

“Kathy just spent over $10 thousand on Tailored Cellular Optimization (TCO) treatments. He’s so sparkly now that he shines in the sun. He’s completely rejuvenated and has another 20 years in him at least. Besides, it’s almost Christmas. Can’t we bend the rules just a little one time for such an important member of the community?,” you ask. The answer is a resounding, NO!

As far as I’m concerned we should use Sprinkles new upgrades to our advantage. I was discussing the pig problem at the mayor’s office when Bob Abramo overheard my conversation and offered to help. While I’m not usually one to reward eavesdropping, there was something about the gleam in Mr. Abramo’s eye when we talked about the glittery little pig that caught my attention. He is very interested in Mr. Sprinkles and has offered quite a generous price. He assures me that he has big plans for our sweet little pig.

Out of respect for the connections some of you have with this prohibited animal and the upcoming Christmas holiday, I’m willing to let Mr. Sprinkles stay for a couple more days so you can say your goodbyes. Mr. Abramo only asks that you keep Mr. Sprinkles activity down to a minimum and that we start him on a sweet potato and apple only diet. He seems to know a lot about pigs and tells me that this naturally sugar rich diet is good for his muscles and overall quality. If you need any tips on how to talk to your children about this uncomfortable situation feel free to ask. As you all know, I’m exceedingly good at communication and interpersonal skills. I never thought I’d see this day but here it is. That little pig is about to fly. Mr. Sprinkles had an amazing life and story, but every story comes to an end. Tanager Lane is finally on the brink of achieving total compliance with preservation zone rules, and I intend to hold us to this high standard.

STORYLINE

New App Helps Farmers Find Love For Their Livestock

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It seems that there is no shortage of dating apps on the market these days. No matter how small the community, or niche the activity you are interested in, there is an app to pair you with like-minded individuals. However, up until now there hasn’t been an app to find that perfect match for livestock, but that is about to change. The creation of biologist Thomas Mencken, Swineswipe allows farmers, ranchers, and breeders to swipe right on animals that catch their eye.

Three years in the making, Swineswipe allows farmers to search for livestock that perfectly match their needs. Users can search through a number of species and breeds, and see how far away potential matches are. Valuable information about every animal is available on each profile including things like: age, weight, breeding potential, milk production (when applicable), hock length, body composition, temperament, eye color, favorite foods, and preferred activities.

While some may think a “dating” app for livestock is strange, Mencken says that Swineswipe will revolutionize the industry and be a valuable tool in animal husbandry. “When I was first approached with the idea I was skeptical, but after talking with Mr. Abramo and hearing his vision all doubts were cleared away, and I wanted a seat at the table.”

“Swineswipe allows breeders a chance to find that perfect match for their animals with a flick of the finger. Each profile contains everything you need to know, and probably a bunch of data that never occurred to you to ask. Many of our clients actually show profile pictures to their livestock to gauge their response, and increase the likelihood of compatibility. Despite the common misconception, farming has always been very technologically driven. We are offering the most comprehensive animal matching service available on the market. If you need lambs to lead to the slaughter, you need Swineswipe. You owe it to your animals and business.”

The response amongst those raising animals has been overwhelmingly positive, with many heritage breeders singing the praises of Swineswipe. However, not everyone is thrilled with the new app. Sebastian Malu, Barraloha instructor at the Kokua Wellness Center and outspoken animal rights activist says the new app is an “abomination” to the sanctity of animal life.

He says, “I’m not surprised that Bob Abramo has bank-rolled this latest weapon in the war against animals. It’s simply not enough for him to deprive these feeling creatures of their autonomy, and feed them until they are obese so their melting fat tastes better on his rapacious tongue. Now, he wants to provide them with a perfect partner? Why? Does providing a brief island of relief in a sea of pain really taste that good to him and Mr. Mencken? Despite his titles and degrees, it is clear that Thomas is nothing but a soulless butcher. He should make a perfect addition to the bloodthirsty dregs that Mr. Abramo surrounds himself with.”

Bob Abramo says he’s not surprised by the negative reaction from some saying, “The green juice crowd always whines a bit, but the good thing is they are so weak and sick all the time, it doesn’t last too long.” He does admit that one thing has come as a shock however, the demand for his stock amongst organic farmers.

“I always knew that we had the best heritage hogs on the island, but I was blown away by how many right swipes my sows have gotten. One thing’s for sure, there’s no need to put lipstick on these pigs. I know better than most how hungry Maui is, but until Thomas finished Swineswipe, I had no idea how thirsty it was too. I couldn’t be more proud of what we’ve cooked up. The Chop House changed the way steaks are broiled forever, and now we’re pushing the boundaries of animal husbandry. We’re expanding the menu at Abramo Holdings and I couldn’t be more proud. Swineswipe is one of the most mouth watering projects I’ve ever been a part of. Happy pigs are tasty pigs and I guarantee you can really taste the love in every bite.”