The Hidden Manimal Mine of Maui Lou

The tunnels, lava tubes, and storage facilities beneath Lahaina have long been popular places for those with an adventurous spirit to explore. Finding supplies and weapons can be very lucrative to those brave or foolish enough to explore these dark places. However, one such location has held the imagination of islanders much more than any other, and it might not even exist. The Hidden Manimal Mine of Maui Lou is a story every child knows, and a dream a handful try to find every year.

Maui Lou was not a well-known man in his time or a successful one. He spent most nights sleeping on the beach beneath the stars, and his days wandering from place to place. When he was younger, Lou dreamed of being a professional surfer, but in his early 50’s the only thing he surfed was couches. And so it would have gone, had it not been for the great fracture. Like so many, the accident awakened something inside Lou and showed him his destiny.

From his time wandering the town, Lou knew many places to seek shelter and the best gardens in Lahaina. He helped many make it through those first terrible weeks and soon found himself with quite a following. While harvesting vegetables from abandoned backyards, and canned foods from demolished stores, was helpful to the survivors, Lou began to believe that they owed their lives to one thing, the hydrating powers of Manimal.

His Manimal obsession and strange beliefs around the drink grew, and his believers followed suit. They began calling themselves “The Quenched”. They believed that in addition to your physical thirst, Maimal could satisfy your emotional and spiritual thirst as well. Under Lou’s leadership, the group followed The Three Tenets: intensity in all actions, ferociousness of thought, and daily acts of daring. The group became famed for its outrageous escapades and chaotic nature.

While they were not openly hostile to others, working with a group of The Quenched was all but impossible. They could not resist climbing tall structures and leaping whenever possible. When exploring an unknown area, it was common for a member of the group to run ahead with a Manimal in each hand, screaming their intentions. Others began to shun the group and refuse to be involved with any project that included the drink-loving fanatics.

Soon, they found themselves outcasts, and it was too much for Lou. He moved his followers to the Mauna Kahalawai mountains and began preaching visions of doom. He told The Quenched that this new world would not be the last. Another great cleansing was on its way, and that in the future the extreme would inherit the Earth. They began expanding an old mine to make it a suitable place to live out the upcoming catastrophe. It is here that the stories diverge.

Some say The Quenched built a gigantic recirculating pool, to hold all the Manimal they had collected over the years at a perfect temperature. Others say they were much too unorganized for such a feat, and simply filled many tanks with Manimal to serve as a source of life-giving hydration, while they waited out the end. Whatever the truth, one thing is certain. When they were done, they hid the entrance and sealed themselves inside with Maui Lou delivering a warning, anyone who were to go inside without believing in the Three Tenets, would find nothing but their doom. The Quenched were never seen again.

There the tale might have ended, a bedtime story for children, had it not been for a Thriver woman named Cork Waltz. By all accounts, Cork was an excellent scrounger and bragged that she came from a long line of treasure hunters. While Cork could find a single wire hidden in a field of pili grass, what she loved finding above all else was Manimal. She was obsessed with the old drink and stories of the mine. Every year, Cork would explore the mountains for a few weeks in the spring, looking for the hidden entrance and return to the jokes and teasing of her friends. Then one year, Cork didn’t return as usual.

Everyone assumed she had been taken by one of the island’s many dangers or had slipped from a cliff. They were overjoyed when she finally made it back, but her pack bursting full of Manimal made them wonder. The usually boisterous Cork remained unusually quiet about where she found the drink as well. When she left again in the morning, the rumors spread quickly.

Over the next few months, Cork would take many long trips, each time returning more intense, and with more Manimal. Her neighbors were now sure that she had found Maui Lou’s Manimal Mine and many tried to follow her. Cork began to take long dangerous routes to throw off any pursuers. The speed and energy she’d display while scrambling up rocks and navigating the narrow twisting trails did little to dispel the rumors, and attempts to follow her always failed. Then a group of trackers happened upon Cork at the bottom of a ravine. Apparently, her attempts to elude her followers finally caught up to her. She had slipped and fallen from a ledge, but before she passed she left some tantalizing clues.

According to the stories, Cork’s lips and hands were stained red with Manimal, although her pack contained no Radical Red flavor. Even more tantalizing, she had scratched a crude map on a rock next to her with the words, “Extreme Refreshment” underneath. Since then, many have searched for the location of the mine without success. There are almost as many copies of the map floating around, as there are people gullible enough to buy them. Still, there just might be a pool of Manimal underground somewhere out there, just waiting for someone brave or foolish enough to go looking for it.

How The Augustinian Cliffs Got Their Name

The Kanaka have many sacred areas and revered places on the island, but a few stand out from the others. The Augustinian Cliffs are one such place. Sitting in the shadow of the great peak Pu’u Kukui and overlooking the vital Kahoma stream, the cliffs are a place where one can beseech the spirits of the island for protection and the ancestors for guidance. Although it was once a Thriver outpost, it is now considered a cherished Kanaka site, and a place where you can remember the power of bravery and belief.

Augustin never dreamed of being a leader, but the fracture allowed many to find their true purpose. Before Veilcorp tore the world apart, he taught the ancient Hawaiian martial art of Kapu Kuialua in his dojo on the beach. While countless screamed and ran in terror, he remained calm and gathered those that needed shelter inside until the earth stopped shaking, and the orange rain ended.

The world that was born from the fracture was a much harder one than before, with little mercy for the weak. Augustin took in as many Kanaka as he could, but soon realized that unless they had the tools to survive, he was not truly saving them. However, there were so many that he couldn’t possibly teach them all by himself. It was then that he picked his 9 best students, including his daughter Anakalia, and made them his Kumu, each a master in an aspect of Ku’ialua. With his 9 trusted Kumu at his side he could teach the people to protect themselves quickly, and the Kanaka had a chance.

The people learned how to break bones, strike with purpose, and bend vulnerable joints. No longer prey for the wolves, bandits, and the terrors of the forest, the Kanaka began to reclaim their rightful place on the island. Word spread quickly of the teachings of Augustin and his 9 Kumu. Soon, Kanaka from across the island traveled to his dojo to learn how to protect themselves and their people. One young man caught the eye of Augustin, a gangly young son of a fisherman named Ikaika.

The boy became his star pupil. He was not the most talented physically but what he lacked in body he made up for in heart and spirit. By the end of the first year he challenged and defeated his first Kumu, and eventually proved his prowess against all the masters, even Augustin. Fifteen years after arriving at the dojo, the great chief Ikaika began to rally other Kanka to sweep the island clean of the terrors of the fracture. He eventually cleared the menehune from Front street, drove the green ladies North, and aligned with the Thrivers of Pu’u to meet the vast night marcher horde at Black Rock Beach.

The outcome of the battle was not certain. Ikaika took virtually all the able-bodied with him North, leaving many Kanaka under the watchful eye of the aging Augustin and his Kumu. The Thrivers sent the old and infirm, as well as their children, to a stronghold in the mountains for their safety, but instead of protecting their weak, they had served them on a platter. A group of night marchers heading to Black Rock Beach had noticed the vulnerable Thrivers high on the mountain, and discovered the single trail leading to the outpost.

The walls kept the initial wave from getting inside but it soon became apparent that the meager defenses would not hold, and with only one trail up or down, there was no escape. 3 runners were dispatched, and one eventually made it through the throngs of claws and teeth, all the way to the dojo for help. She was heartbroken when she found that only a handful of Koa and the old Kapu Kuialua masters were left behind. She was busy trying to convince one of the young warriors to send for help when Augustin stopped her. Laden with as much rope as they could carry, he vowed that he and his 9 Kumu would save her people.

Knowing that the single trail going up would be their doom, Augustin and the masters began to climb the cliffs, fixing anchor points and securing lines as they went. Hands hardened by years of discipline and practice, now quickly found purchase in the cracks of the rock face. The group climbed over 1,500 feet as fast as most could walk. When they crested the top they could see that they were probably too late.

The walls burst in and the night marchers howled. Without hesitation the Kumu surged forward. Where stone and wood had given way, the screaming horde found a new wall of hardened fists, clubs, and expertly placed blows. So ferocious was their attack that the night marchers withdrew for a moment to assess their new foes. This was all the time Augustin and Anakalia needed. Together they began to usher down those who could climb the ropes, and began lowering down those who couldn’t.

Sensing the Thrivers escape, the creatures rushed forward again. The Kumu fought valiantly for as long as they could, but they were too few to fight off the hundreds of night marchers. Eventually only Augustin and Anakalia were left. The Thrivers say that they were covered with the creatures when they lowered the last survivors down, but did not stop to fight back until they were sure that the Thrivers were safe.

When Chief Ikaika returned and heard the story he went to the outpost himself to look for his old teacher. However, Augustin, Anakalia, and the other Kumu were never found. Some say their bravery and prowess helped remind the night marchers of their true purpose, protecting the Kanaka and their great chiefs. It is rumored that Augustin and his 9 Kumu still guard the cliffs from those who would harm the island and its people. Whatever the truth, the Thrivers agreed to respect the warriors by never using the outpost again, and the area has been known as the Augustinian Cliffs ever since. It remains one of our most sacred and beloved places.

The Legend of Veilcorp’s Building FF

We Kanaka are known for our easy going lifestyle, and taking time to enjoy what nature has provided, but there is one thing we take seriously, our stories. We have many legends about others who survived the fracture including: mysterious hotels with equally mysterious guest, billionaires living in underwater shelters, and lost mines holding riches beyond gold. However, our stories about Veilcorp survivors are the most numerous and varied. Among this sea of tales, the story of Building FF rises above the rest because it might just be true.

Before the great catastrophe, when governments determined how everyone should live, and corporations tracked the hours of your day, people would study for years, struggling to make a favorable impression on these powers, in order to work for them. One of the most popular corporations to work for was Veilcorp. The company responsible for tearing the world apart, used to be thought of very favorably. People employed there were paid well and received many benefits, but it was the rumor of special perks offered to those who climbed high in the company that interested many. Free travel across the globe, discounted Nuuskin treatments to keep you looking perpetually young, and access to the latest in company technology before it was available to the public, were among the rumored blessings bestowed on anyone becoming a VP. While all of these were intriguing, it was the rumor of Building FF that piqued the interest of many inside the organization.

Born from the chaos of a terrorist attack that claimed the life of many employees, including the founder Eric Oeming’s wife and daughter, Building FF was supposed to be a place employees could go in an emergency. However, it soon became Oeming’s obsession, and with the backing of the government, the emergency shelter grew into something much more complex.

Located hundreds of meters underground with: independent water, air, and power sources, state-of-the-art filtration systems and communication technology, medical facilities, and food stores that could last for decades, Building FF was more like an underground paradise, than a place to wait out a hurricane or another attack. The exact location was classified, with only a handful of people knowing its coordinates. There were no passages leading to Building FF, protecting those inside from terrorist infiltration and any airborne toxins. The only way in or out was through a small emergency veil system located deep within the complex. When the great fracture began, many found themselves deep underground, and safe inside the Veilcorp wonderland. Unfortunately, a paradise is only as good as its creator, and we all know how fallible people can be.

Building FF was doomed from the beginning. While it protected those inside from living through the horrors and disease of the outside world, it could not guard them from the sickness of its creation and themselves. They sent out emergency calls with no response, and with the veil network down, their only way in or out was useless. Instead of panicking, they decided to take full advantage of the benefits their incredible shelter offered, and wait for help that was sure to come. A day became a week, a week became a month, and a month a year, and the cracks that had slowly been building among them grew into fissures with terrifying speed.

It is amazing at how quickly fear, anger, and jealousy can grow within a small community, and without the power of the sun, wind, and waves to wash the negativity away, the survivors in Building FF soon gave in to their darker emotions. It started as all problems do with the little things. People began to forget to seal food containers, common areas were left messy, and the employees responsible for making daily emergency calls stopped showing up. Before long, factions began to form inside, rules were made in a vain attempt to maintain order, resentments grew into accusations, and eventually revolt.

Some say that a small group of the survivors began using the others as fuel for the specially made Nuuskin machines, and they remain inside today, untouched by the ravages of time. Others claim that a few managed to connect the veil inside with one in another world or even space, sabotaging it after they left, and stranding the rest of their co-workers. Still other stories talk of cannibalism, and fabulous drilling machines. Whatever the fate of the survivors in Building FF, one thing in the stories is consistent, after 5 short years all the calls for help stopped, and the dream of the emergency paradise was over.

Still, with more and more new faces appearing on the island and some of the network running again, stories about Building FF are gaining popularity. There is talk about the rumbling of machines inside the ground near The Augustinian Cliffs, and places in the forest charged with so much energy that your hair stands on end. Some warn that these are signs that the survivors are getting ready to unleash their technology once again on the world. Others say the survivors are like animals who have lived in cages for too long, and are not able to enjoy the taste of freedom anymore. Rumors circulate that Building FF holds many treasures for those smart enough to find it, and foolish enough to tempt its curse, and the tainted people who might still live in its twisting tunnels. Whatever the truth, the story of Building FF remains a mystery for now, but who knows what the future might hold.

The Night Ice Dancing Came To Lahaina

Snow may not be the first thing people think about when they think of the island, but the summit of Haleakalā does occasionally get snow, and it’s not unusual for the top of the volcano to be covered. Of course Lahaina is different. Before the fracture snow was only recorded a few times and it didn’t last long, but the accident changed a lot of things, including the weather. Some people might tell you that a little snow is nothing to worry about, but they are wrong. The people who lived through the big blizzard years ago like my grandpa know that the ice brings more dangers than just the cold. This is the story of the week long snow storm that hit the island, and the horrible night that ice dancing came to Lahaina.

There were only a handful who had actually seen snow before on the day the first few flakes fell on Front street. At first, most loved the unusual weather. Often violent and dangerous, the Veilstorms would usually send people scrambling for shelter. The snow was different. It was cold, but not deadly, at least not at first. Kids learned how to make snowballs, and for a couple days everyone had fun, but then people began to worry.

The plants started to die and lots of people didn’t have warm clothes. Many Kanaka got frostbite and the Thrivers wondered what would happen if things didn’t warm up again. Four days into the blizzard, streams began to freeze over and many began to panic. The Kanaka burned their boats and the Thrivers began crafting coats as fast as they could, and making plans on how to keep the pumps from freezing. Then the snowmen appeared and things got worse.

They were in pairs, dressed in sequined outfits, with odd looking shoes strung over their shoulders. They were in front of every compound in Lahaina that morning, and the people who discovered them didn’t know what to think. The shoes were really strange, and nobody could figure out what they were at first. Then the elders got a good look and knew immediately what they were. They were skates.

The storm was really bad that day and it was hard to see outside, but strange sounds could be heard all morning. Faint dance music was being broadcast from somewhere that mixed with the sound of the icy waves. Bells could be heard coming from the forest, and the sound of skates being sharpened carried on the wind. Terrified of what might come the Kanaka gathered in The Mission for protection, and the people of Pu’u assembled in the courthouse waiting to see what was next. The answer came later that night when many heard what they had been dreading, a rhythmic tapping on the walls of the buildings. Shots rang out and everyone was yelling and screaming, but the Thrivers and Kanaka were no match for the Tappers. They had challenged all of Lahaina to a ice-dance-off and they weren’t about to let anyone bow out.

Everyone knows that The Tappers really know how to capture and hold an audience so escape was impossible. The tinseled terrors had dammed a stream and constructed a makeshift rink. Pairs from each group were chosen to participate and showed the routine for the short dance portion of the competition. The remaining captives were bound and encouraged to watch and cheer at gunpoint.

It did not go well for the Thrivers who were quickly served and received savagely low scores by the scintillating judges. The Kanaka seemed to fair a bit better until their second couple made the fatal mistake of following the melody and phrasing instead of the beat. They were immediately disqualified and destroyed. The judges ruled that no replacement would be allowed, much to the relief of the Kanaka in the audience. The Tappers on the other hand nailed every lift, spin, and twizzle despite the soft ice and sense of dread in the air.

During the break for ice smoothing, the captives discussed their fate. It was over for them. Their best bet was the short dance. The free dance was up next and the scoring would weigh creativity most heavily. They didn’t have the costumes, choreography, cross roll, or choctaw skills to survive. Their chances of making it out of the competition alive were as thin as the edge of their skates.

However, just before the next round began the audience noticed something wonderful, a thin stream of water across the ice. It had stopped snowing hours ago and the weather was returning to normal. The Tappers were as furious as they were fabulous. The conditions were already poor, and continuing on even softer ice would interfere with the quality of their programs. There would be no more swing rolls, slide chasse’s, or icey murders for the day. Before departing, they promised to save the scores and resume the competition when the streams froze again.

Some people say that the Tapper ice dance never happened, and that it’s just a story they tell kids around the campfire, but my grandpa and his friends say it’s true, so I’m not sure. I’ve been practicing forward crossovers on the beach just in case.

Akamai Mahelona
5th Grade
Pu`u School Lahaina

The Legend of Piper: The Worst Tapper

There is no doubt that Lahaina is a dangerous place to be if you are alone. If you are going to make it, your best chance is to belong to a group, and that includes family. Having a big family helps you survive, even if it means having to put up with brothers. But not all families are connected by blood, sometimes you just find that you fit in so well with a group that you become family. The story of Piper is a good example of how you can find a family even in the unlikeliest of places.

When Piper was born her parents could tell right away that something wasn’t right. Most Tapper babies are soothed by listening to the classics, but jazz standards didn’t settle her down. In fact, the 12th Street Rag just made her cry. Things only got worse as she got older. The first steps for many Tappers are something basic like: ball changes, heel turns, or a dos-y-dos, but much to her parent’s dismay, Piper walked before she danced.

At an age when most Tapper girls were picking out brightly colored tights, suspenders, tops, and leotards, Piper had a hard time choosing marvelous combinations. As fate would have it, she was color blind and didn’t like tight-fitting outfits. When she was old enough to begin her training, she had nothing but a closet full of 15 khaki skirts. Others in her group began to whisper about the odd little girl. She hated the way sequins felt on fabric, and glitter made her itch. She only liked comfortable shoes and refused to wear any kind of hair adornment.

Her differences became glaringly apparent when she went on her first raid. Piper didn’t think it was right to kidnap people and hold them for ransom. She thought everyone had the right to live on the island, not just the Tappers, and asked why they had to be so mean. Her worried parents tried to talk to her about it. They warned her that she better start learning her choreography and watch her keys and cues.

Piper tried and tried to be like the others, but as much as she tried, she just couldn’t understand why it was important to: turn on allies in the middle of a fight, wipe out outposts, or sew the seeds of terror across the island. She didn’t like hiding in the tunnels and navigating in the dark with her sonar unit. She liked the way the sun felt on her face and the way it danced on the waves.

One night, after stepping all over her partner’s feet while stealing medicine from a Thriver village, she returned home and heard her parents talking. Piper had officially been accused of the worse thing a Tapper could be accused of. The group said that she was insufficiently fabulous. Custom held that the Piper would have to perform for the whole group the following night to prove her worth and display her entertainment value. If the judges didn’t give her a high enough score, it would not end well.

Devastated, Piper ran through the tunnels, and out of the cave to her favorite spot on the beach. She wondered what she was going to do, and why the others couldn’t understand that sunlight on the water was just as beautiful as moonlight. She was so deep in thought that she didn’t hear the Kanaka hunters until it was too late.

Back then, bandits were always sneaking into Kanaka camps and robbing them. The hunters assumed that Piper was a bandit scout when they tackled her. You can imagine their surprise when they saw it was a Tapper, even if it was one dressed in muted colors. Many had never seen a Tapper in real life, and nobody had ever captured one alive before. After some nervous conversation, and some worried looking around, the hunters decided to bring Piper to a nearby village and let the elder there figure out what to do.

The Kanaka have many legends about the Tappers, and there was a lot of debate when they got to the village. Some suggested that they tie her to a post and let the sun turn her into wood. Another warned that Tappers got their power from the Earth so they needed to put her someplace up high or out in the water. One old man said that if left unwatched a Tapper could turn into sound, and she would surely bring back others. In the end, the elder decided to put Piper in one of their guard towers with two of their best hunters. If she had been turned to wood by the morning light their problems were solved, if not, he’d decide what to do after getting some sleep.

Piper tried to explain that she didn’t want to hurt them and that she wasn’t like other Tappers, but the hunters didn’t want to listen. She was pleading with them in the tower when something caught her eye. A line of bushes on the edge of the forest didn’t look right to her. While she was staring at it, and trying to figure out why they looked different, they began to move. It was a group of camouflaged bandits. While her Tapper family considered her colorblindness a weakness, it allowed her to easily spot different textures and distinguish patterns better than someone with normal vision. She pointed out the bandits three times before the hunters could see them too.

The village didn’t know what to think after Piper warned them about the impending danger. The fact that she didn’t turn into wood in the sunlight left many scratching their heads too. They kept Piper in the tower for many months and her ability to spot danger became famous. Soon she was allowed to leave the tower and accompany scouting parties. She could spot a crooked fern at 100 yards, and could even find a green lady hiding in the forest. Piper went on to work with some of the greatest Kanaka chiefs ever known. They renamed her Loa’a the Finder, and she still lives with them to this day. Piper learned that sometimes you are born into a family, and sometimes you just find one.

Akamai Mahelona
5th Grade
Pu’u School Lahiana

Little Lili and the Lava Flow

Right after the big accident people like my grandpa had to work hard to find enough food, water, and medicine. It was tough, but they made it. By working together people survived by getting the generators working again, fixing some of the machines, and making guns to protect themselves. But machines breakdown and guns need new parts. At first it was easy to find parts or find things to recycle to fix the generators, but eventually all the good parts got used. Even the Kanaka were running short on batteries. It was then that people started digging for metals and minerals to make parts and fix things. One of the best places to look was also one of the most dangerous, the active lava flows. This is the story of one of the best mineral collectors ever, a Kanka boy named Little Lili. It shows that everyone can contribute, and that sometimes the things you think are bad about yourself can actually be really good.

Little Lili grew up with his mom in a village near Black Rock Beach. Lili’s dad was killed by a green lady before he was born, and his mom worried all the time because he was always sick. They didn’t have much because the medicine he needed was expensive. Lili felt bad because his mom worked so hard, and almost everything she made, traded, or found went to take care of him but she always smiled and said, “there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my little Lili!”

When he got older he decided it was time to go out and pull his own weight, so his mom wouldn’t have to struggle. But Lili was barely bigger than a child, and Kanaka work is hard. First he tried fishing but he could barely lift the nets. It took all of his strength just to push them out of the boat. When a big wave came Lili fell in the water and got tangled. The fishermen laughed and brought him home caught up in the net. As his mom cut him out, he apologized, but his mom just said, “there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my little Lili!”

Next he tried hunting, but he was too little for that too. The bow was bigger than he was, and he could only throw a spear a few feet. When he was checking one of the pit traps he fell in and was too short to reach the safety rope. The other hunters laughed, and left him there. It was hours before his mom showed up. He said he was sorry that she had to walk all the way out to help him but she just said, “there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my little Lili!”

When he walked to the Kapu Kuialua Dojo, and told them that he wanted to be one of the elite Koa warriors they just laughed. But one of the masters was kind, and offered him a job cleaning up around The Mission. It barely paid enough for dried fish and clean water, but it was a start. It was there, surrounded by the old books, and listening to the old stories, that Lili came up with a plan that would change his life.

Lili learned that the Earth produces minerals just like plants produce fruit. One of the best places to find metal and mineral deposits was where the ground is the newest, the lava fields. But there was a reason not many ventured out near the active flows. Not only did you have to worry about the heat, but it was filled with fissures, and hills with thin crusts leading into deep lava tubes. It was dangerous but it was filled with nickel, zinc, copper, and other metals that were very valuable.

While his size kept him from being a good hunter or fisherman, it was perfect for getting around near the flow. He was light enough not to fall through the thin crust around the magma bubbles, and small enough to slip into fissures and climb into tubes where nobody else could reach. Before long he was one of the most successful mineral hunters on the island. What he couldn’t trade to the Kanaka, he would sell to the people of Pu’u, and he became very wealthy.

Months later, his mother received a message that Lili needed her. Figuring that he was in trouble again, she hurried to The Mission. When she arrived she was met by finely dressed Kanaka who took her to a large house. It was beautiful, with intricate wood carvings, roasting pits filled with boar, and bowls of fresh fruit. As she looked around Lili came up beside her. She asked who could afford such a lavish house. Lili just smiled and said, “We can.” She could hardly believe her eyes, or her ears, when he explained what he was doing. Her eyes filled with tears of gratitude for her son, but said she could not allow him to keep doing something so dangerous for her. Before she could protest anymore Lili hugged her tight and said, “there’s nothing your little Lili wouldn’t do for you.”

Akamai Mahelona
4th Grade
Pu`u School Lahaina

SSB&P Investigation Finds Numerous Thriver Violations In Pu’u

Attention: Lahaina residents, property owners, and business operators.

As many of you know, we are currently in the midst of litigation with the Lahaina Merchants Association (LMA) regarding their unauthorized use of the well-known Manimal brand. Their production and sale of Whalanimal “Benthic Blue” and Whalanimal “Scrimshawberry” is unacceptable. In addition, during our due diligence, we become aware of numerous Kanaka violations regarding the property commonly referred to as “The Mission,” and some troubling inconsistencies regarding the property known as “Pu’u”. It is our hope to clear up these problems, and reach an agreement that is heavily weighed in our favor.

Having already explained to the Kanaka their liabilities, we wish to move on and focus our efforts on the Thrivers of Pu’u. After a close examination of public records, tax information, and the interrogation of two or your children, we have found a number of issues we can exploit. If you wish to avoid conflict, or lessen any judgement you may owe, we suggest that you comply fully with our requests.

NOTE: Providing actionable information regarding another case and/or signing a retainer agreement will end any investigation into your business, property, or dealings on our part.

We have learned that the Pu’u charter school is still standing, and continues to be used for the purpose of education, despite not having filed the correct paperwork for over 64 years. Your accreditation has long since lapsed, and we can find no record of a public review of textbooks, which is required under the law.

Our thorough questioning of a pair of children lured from the area, has led us to believe there are more serious issues as well. According to our examination: 50% of your children receive failing grades in reading and math, 100% fail science, and at least two haven’t learned to not go off with strangers. We have been informed that you are not conducting regular fire or hurricane drills, you are not offering lunch options for students with special dietary needs, and the building itself may have numerous code violations. To further our investigation and assess the severity of any problems we are formally requesting the right to enter Pu’u.

Notice to Enter Pu’u School
The Thrivers of Pu’u
1/30/2116

Dear Thrivers,

This letter serves as a formal request to enter the premises mentioned above on the date of 1/31/2116 between the times of 8:00 am and 8:00 pm.

The purpose of this visit is to solidify our case against you, obtain evidence necessary for a successful litigation, and fill the community with a sense of dread. This requires you to be available at the time of our visit. Further, we request you remember that we are holding two of your children before you attempt anything of a violent nature.

Please leave any weapons, explosives, or dangerous chemicals stored inside the school, and make no improvements prior to our visit, so we can make an accurate assessment of the premises.
This advance warning is in accordance with our practice of providing you notice no more than 1 day beforehand. If this time or date is inconvenient or problematic for you, too bad.

Sincerely,
SSB&P

If you fail to honor our request we may be forced to resort to any of the following: report you to any and all educational bodies, both public and private, across all worlds, seek punitive damages, conduct a massive negative social media campaign, start a school supply blockade, introduce inaccurate flashcards amongst your student population, or keep the students we already have in indefinite detention. For 65 years SSB&P has been the largest law firm around, and we pride ourselves on our ruthless efficiency and dogged determination. We look forward to further litigation with you in the future.