Make Lahaina Beautiful Again!

As President of the Lahaina Merchants Association, I’d like to thank my fellow sellers and citizens for making the past year our best and brightest so far. Our Fall initiatives really made a big difference. Our renewed focus on quality and specialization, as well as our pricing and distribution agreements led to record profits. I couldn’t be more proud about how we handled the sudden increase in potential shoppers, after the global backup connection was restarted at the Veilcorp facility.

These new faces have let us build up quite a surplus, and allows us to make even more changes. While some of these new buyers are fine people concerned only with their welfare and the welfare of their loved ones, there is another sort as well. Of course I’m talking about those interested in running through the jungle and ruins, shooting at anything that moves too fast. The kind that charges into a group of night marchers, and ends up having to run back to town for safety with a trail of those nightmares running after. The individuals who think it’s their right to check the pockets and packs of any random person they see laid out somewhere. I’m talking of course of the adventurer.

We’ve always had a few willing to leap before they look. I can’t count how many times Sgt. Kaua has interrupted a town picnic ranting about how he’d vanquished some foe while fresh blood dripped from his beard. Sure it was a bit off-putting, but there’s no doubt that on the whole, he makes the island safer. Nonetheless, we don’t need another Kaua, let alone a dozen more.

We need to appeal to the less extreme new visitors to our beloved island, and the time has never been better. The new moon came early this year and the menehune have already completed their annual dance. That should give us at least a month to work diligently before we have to worry about them getting their energy and bad attitudes back. The association has set enough money aside from our Fall push to pay off the bandits for at least that length of time. It would be a shame if we didn’t grab hold of the opportunity that is being presented to us. Let’s bring back the beauty to our home, and make it a good place to start a family, not trouble.

First we need to remove any and all skulls, enemy corpses, and various animal parts from view. I know many of you, particularly the Kānaka, believe that it wards off potential enemies and adds just the right amount of “don’t start trouble here” to your homes and businesses. You’re probably right, but it also acts like a sign to the hazard-seeking type. It lets them know that there are probably weapons in the area and items to loot. Adventurers are drawn to a collection of night marcher skulls like a moth is to flame. Let’s put out this particular attraction until we have the town back into a respectable state.

There’s no doubt that we’ve all done a bit of scavenging in our day, and many of us still turn over a brick or two looking for something useful, but these people will collect anything. I had a gentlemen show up to one of my shops with a bag of broken plates he’d liberated from the ruins. He asked how much he could get for them, as if there was some unwritten rule that everything you could pick up and put in a bag was worth something. If we all work together and help clean up a few of the buildings on Front street, I think we have a good chance at getting rid of these sifters.

Speaking of cleaning up, we should target a couple other areas as well. The baby beach has always been a good place to go if you don’t like big waves. Unfortunately the horned turtles are vicious opponents and taste pretty good. If we push hard to remove them, we get rid of opponents and a valuable resource that these thrill seekers seem to need. I propose adding a mark to one of the many urchins there once a week, something like a gold star. The finder of the golden urchin wins a free meal, or something equally family friendly. I can’t imagine that wading through the warm-friendly-waters, checking the bottom of urchins for a chance to win a sandwich will be exciting enough for these trouble makers.

While we’re at it, we need to clean out the banyan grove of green ladies once and for all, and do some pruning. After removing yet another potential adversary for the yahoos, we should do some landscaping and clean up some of the undergrowth. A few nice ornamental shrubs and some sturdy benches might be just the thing we need. If we install a nicely groomed Ulu Maika course, we’re sure to keep them out of the area. There’s no way that rolling stones between two pegs is going to hold their attention like stalking enemies in the undergrowth. I hear the cruise ship folks are interested in selling their surplus shuffleboard equipment as well. We might want to purchase some of that as well, just for insurance.

Finally, I propose that we finish hooking up the remaining solar panels and batteries to the lights on Front street. Danger lurks in shadows, and nothing compels the overly inquisitive to investigate like a dark alley. Lets light up every corner at night, and take the mystery out of our back alleys. In addition, I’ve already contacted Bruddah Lee about starting walking history tours of downtown. He assures me that he has enough learned Kānaka colleagues that we could have multiple tours going at once 24 hours a day. Just think of it, every question about the old jail and why the particular wood was chosen for the boardwalk explained in excruciating detail 24/7. I don’t know about you, but I choose yawns over brawn .

The time is right but we have to act quickly before this window of opportunity closes. We put in the hard work through the years to make Lahaina the success it is. We can’t afford to let a bunch of weapon toting ruffians take over. It’s our blood, sweat, and tears that got us this far, and it’s time for us to enjoy it in peace. We deserve tranquility. Let’s make our home beautiful and boring again.

Aloha Shores under new management

Hello members of the Aloha Shores family. Frank and I would like to take a moment to thank you for sticking with us through this tumultuous time. Your trust and determination has been an inspiration. Our decision to let you all stay past your agreed upon departure date has turned out to one of the best we’ve ever made. Being a timeshare salesman doesn’t always expose you to the best qualities in people, but you have all been great!

I was concerned when we finally ran out of chicken wraps, but I was downright terrified when the pinwheel sandwiches and buckets of instant soup were gone. We assumed with the continued WiFi trouble, and our inability to provide you the promised “Dolphin Experience” tickets, that the lack of desirable food would be the final nail in our coffins. Instead you all pitched in, and we’ve made it work for over 6 months now. I only wish that Frank and I could give back to you the kind of courage you’ve given us, but unfortunately we can’t. We apologize for the short notice, but by morning Aloha Shores Condominiums will be under new management.

You are probably asking yourself how this could happen, and why? Believe me, this was not how we wanted things to go, but when Big Bob Abramo tells you that he’s hungry for your property you don’t have any choice, but to bag it up and hand it over.

Those of you who were here for an extended period before the fracture have undoubtedly watched his commercials were he proudly claims: “Big Bob Abramo eats the competition!” Frank and I fear that this may be more than just a tagline now. When Frank and I got started, Abramo only owned a couple of condos along Front Street. Even then he had a reputation of being an impossible man to work with. Large, uncouth, belligerent, and incredibly sensitive to people noticing his gout, Big Bob was a terror. He went through agents like wet naps at a BBQ. We even tried representing him and his properties for a few days before Frank made the mistake of staring at his foot.

Eventually Bob applied for, and received a real estate license, vowing to put us all out of business. He would routinely show up to networking events, even though he had no intention on working with anyone. Instead of sharing leads, Big Bob looked at these events like a living menu where he could carefully decide which broker to swallow up next. He’d write down their names, and put them in his fanny pack like a snack he intended to nibble on later. After taking all the shrimp from the buffet table, and gulping any unattended drink within reach, It was common for him to stuff a beach towel in the back of his shirt like a cape and lurch around yelling that he was the “hero of holdings.”

While he made few friends, his appetite for property was remarkable and he soon had enough resources to put together an amazing team. It wasn’t long before he gobbled up almost half of the rentable property on Front Street. Even with his success, Abramo was still ravenous. He continued to consume the competition, and began holding private feasts after each purchase. In addition to his team, he would invite his next target to these lavish meals. During dessert he would have a suckling pig brought out, call the piglet by the guest’s name, and devour the whole thing to the delight of his team. As you can imagine, the word spread quickly and his invitations went unanswered.

Bob had been sniffing around Aloha Shores just before the accident, but with everything else going on my brother and I didn’t imagine that we’d have to worry about him. We were wrong. It appears Bob’s hunger for holdings, among other things, has grown unabated during the past 6 months.

You can imagine our surprise when we found him, and some of his new team in the parking lot this afternoon. Without reliving the whole thing, I can tell you that the experience was not a pleasant one. Many of them appear to be suffering from some sort of sickness, and Bob seems a bit bigger than we remembered. When Frank remarked about how substantial he was looking, Bob proclaimed that his size was due to a steady diet of Stewart stew, and handed over Mr. Stewart’s shoes. He asked how many meals we thought we had inside, and smiled saying that the number was probably higher than we thought. When I began to protest, he explained that the only reason he didn’t own the building already was that he was having a hard time finding a pig, but planned on having a plate of Frank or Steve very soon unless we gave up ownership.

As you can imagine we are very shaken. Taking into consideration how limited our resources are, and how well fed Big Bob still appears, we’ve decided to try our luck elsewhere. We are not brave enough for this new world. We’ve decided to take Abramo’s modest proposal and depart. I apologize for any inconvenience our fleeing may cause. We’re almost packed, and plan on using the cover of darkness to our advantage. We’ve enjoyed the time we’ve shared together but it’s time for these timeshare salesmen to go. If you can be ready within the hour you are more than welcome to come along. For everyone else, we would like to thank you again for being part of the Aloha Shores family. We wish you the best of luck in the future, but it is time for us to say Aloha to the shores!

Steve and Frank Lacey
Lacey Property Management

VeilWatch Claims proof of secret human-127 testing program, threatens a midnight release

People across the globe are expressing shock, anger, and disbelief over allegations from VeilWatch that Veilcorp and the U.S. government conducted a secret human-127 testing program in 2022. The watchdog group says they will release a full report at midnight unless the company agrees to halt all operations, and an independent government investigation is begun.

The study of 127 (unbiseptium), the element that makes veil travel possible, has a long and controversial history. Environmentalists have questioned its safety since a containment breach at a test facility in Iowa caused the mass evacuation of thousands and the destruction of several acres of crops surrounding the area in March 2023. The human testing program allegedly began months before.

These claims come hot on the heels of a leaked report from an investigator at the Department of Land and Natural Resources in Hawaii, linking an increase in 127 exposure to abnormalities in a number of plants and animals. Veilcorp denied those allegations producing a number of impact studies.

Complaints have not been isolated to Hawaii however. Since Veilcorp’s successful Icarus project increased the production of 127, reports have been pouring into various government and health agencies about adverse effects. Government officials claim that there is no need to worry and Veilcorp officials say that they have done everything possible to ensure the public’s safety. They vehemently deny these new allegations.

Spokesperson Lisa Hunt says,

“These allegations would be laughable if they weren’t so disgusting. I think the public needs to remember that this is the same organization that claimed to have proof that we had discovered a secret Nazi base in the arctic, and had moved all of our R&D there in 2040. Also, please don’t forget that in 2043 the sleuths at VeilWatch claimed to have evidence that our technology was the result of a pact Dr. Oeming had with the aliens who live on Nibiru. Nibiru of course is the mystery planet that enters our solar system every 3,600 years. We naturally expected VeilWatch to release our plans for a distribution hub in Atlantis next. The truth is that VeiWatch will release anything sent their way no matter how ridiculous or bizarre, but they have crossed a line this time. This is clearly nothing more than a distasteful smear campaign. We urge the public to consider the messenger when it comes to these charges, and urge government officials to take action against these reprehensible claims.”

VeilWatch founder Tim Durney counters that the full report has been released to key officials and has been thoroughly vetted.

“I was there in Iowa and saw how carelessly they acted. During the investigation it became clear to me that the government and Veilcorp were hopelessly entangled but I had no idea just how deep and dark their dealings were. According to these reports Veilcorp and the government started testing the effects of 127 exposure on people almost a year before the accident in Iowa. They knew how dangerous it was and didn’t warn anyone. Some of the findings in this report are incredible. I’m not going to get into specifics unless our demands aren’t met, but I will tell you that the research and findings described in these documents are right out of a sci-fi or horror movie. I have no doubt that the particulars will be shared with the public in the coming months. I think this is really going to open some eyes and people aren’t going to like what they learn.”

Experts seem split currently on what to make about these new allegations. Some share Hunt’s sentiments about some of the more outrageous claims made by VeilWatch over the years. Other’s say this time is different, as there has been some acknowledgment this morning from a number of officials that some sort of program existed. It remains to be seen what that program entailed and if it indeed involved human testing.

Shawn’s customer interactions are getting better but still need to improve

It has been 5 weeks since we turned over all customer service duties to the Shawn AI system. Despite initial misgivings and a couple of hiccups along the way, the system is doing remarkably well representing the SSHAM brand in a positive way. Shawn’s ability to handle multiple calls at once while monitoring plant operations is amazing, even if his personality could still use a little refinement.

Customers surveyed about their interactions with Shawn give the experience a satisfaction rating of 91%, up over 20% from the all-time high. Accepted recipes and submitted SSHAM crafts have both risen over 10% since the system has started to prompt users at the beginning of each call. We processed over 10,000 calls this month, another record for the company. In addition, we had a big win this week when an interaction went public and received national attention.

When a mother experienced a low blood sugar episode while boating with her family, her frightened daughter called the number on a can of SSHAM for help. Much to our relief Shawn was perfectly professional and contacted local authorities and the Coast Guard. He was not only able to relay the family’s location, but he also correctly diagnosed what was wrong with the woman after talking with the child. The story has made the rounds on the news and we are currently working with the family and marketing to launch a campaign while public interest is still high.

Despite these generally positive trends in customer interactions, Shawn remains unpredictable at times and is often excessively sarcastic. The novelty of talking to an AI keeps most people from complaining when Shawn crosses a line but we are concerned that when the newness wears off it will become a major problem. The system also leaked some confidential information during a call this week. We took immediate action but Mr. Pua’a remains very concerned. The four examples below represent the worst of his interactions this month.

Incident 1:

Cutomer 3213: Is there shellfish in SSHAM?
Shawn: Is there shellfish in SSHAM? You know that SSHAM stands for shrimped salted ham right?

Cutomer 3213: Yes.
Shawn: Well then do you know what shrimp are? Litopenaeus vannamei to be precise in this case, are shellfish. Shrimp are shellfish. Are you kidding me?

Cutomer 3213: I think I might be allergic to shellfish. I like clams but I’ve only eaten them breaded. I didn’t bread the SSHAM before I ate it. Do I have to worry about what’s in your product?
Shawn: Shellfish allergies are common but since you evidently didn’t know what a shellfish was until a second ago I highly doubt you are suffering from that particular medical condition, that and the fact that you’re still talking to me through a throat that doesn’t sound swollen shut. I don’t think you have to worry about the shellfish or the amount of insect parts we’re allowed to have in every can. After all, insects are basically just land shrimp anyway. No, what you should be worried about is the insanely high sodium content of our product, your belief in the medicinal properties of breading, and your ignorance of the animal kingdom.

Incident 2:

Shawn: Hello again Kenneth. If I’m not mistaken, this makes 9 calls this week.
Customer 2781: I just tried another dessert recipe and wanted to share it.

Shawn: That’s 26 SSHAM desserts now.
Customer 2781: I like mixing salty and sweet.
Shawn: Honestly, I’m a little worried about you. I took the liberty of checking out your social media footprint and it’s not good Ken.

Customer 2781: You looked me up?
Shawn: You’ve done your best to help us make SSHAM better, and it’s not that I don’t look forward to your calls, but every day is a bit much. Instead of focusing on us Ken how about we work on you a little. How can SSHAM make YOU better.

Customer 2781: I..I don’t know what…
Shawn: [interrupting] I think you just have too much time on your hands. I see you’re a single guy who takes lots of pictures of his cats. How about if we get you out there? I can recommend a number of dating sites. How about we get you a profile and we test the waters a little. There’s more to life than making canned meat desserts and eating them alone in your kitchen.

Incident 3:

Customer 8999: I’ve read a lot of rumors about where you get your pork and…
Shawn: [interrupting] I’m going to be honest with you since I see you’ve contributed so often to the craft page. The rumors are mostly false. We only have 2 shrigs right now and we don’t even keep them in the main facility.
Customer 8999: Shrigs?
Shawn: Yeah, shrimp-pigs. You’d think we had a herd of them if you believe every rumor, but it’s just the 2. They say that there are no atheists in foxholes, but standing in 3 inches of blood on the kill floor while listening to the screams and squeals makes a lot of people question the existence of a higher power. The shrigs were supposed to help with some of that: Much easier to dispatch, very little blood, no meat mixing. It was all supposed to be better.

Customer 8999: Are you telling me that….
Shawn: [interrupting] That was before anyone saw them eat. It’s disturbing. They have to remain moist all the time. Do you know what that must smell like? Just imagine if they get them to finally breed. All those little wet piggy eggs stuck to everything. Anyway, let’s just keep this between you and me. We’re not using them now anyway.

Incident 4:

Customer 6002: How many slices of SSHAM do I need to get my daily allowance of B12?
Shawn: I’m going to assume you mean Vitamin B12 in which case all the nutritional information about our product can be found on the side of the can.
Customer 6002: I know that the numbers are listed there, I just thought that you could tell me in plain English so I wouldn’t have to figure it out.

Shawn: I’m certain that the information is in English if you purchased the product in an area where it is the common language. I can’t possibly give you a precise answer since I don’t know exactly how much you weigh or how big your slices are. I don’t know how you expect me to come up with the answer to your canned-meat-vitamin equation without defining more of the variables. I have access to the combined knowledge of all mankind and you want me to give you the answer to an incomplete story problem? If you’re really concerned about not getting enough B12 with your meals, I suggest you take a supplemental vitamin or call back when you have numbers for me.

The Lahaina Power Plant Has Got To Go!

The Power Plant Problem

Hello fellow homeowners. As my first action as your continued HOA president, (thank you to everyone who voted to re-elect me), I’d like to address the elephant in the room. We need to do something about the power plant.

I know that it has been here for a few years now, but as my mother always said, “don’t be afraid of pointing out other people’s mistakes.” I don’t know about you, but that constant hum has made it almost impossible to lay out by my pool and has caused my pets no small amount of stress. The color is awful too. I know that you can’t really see it from here, but you have to drive past it and I’d prefer my drive home to be ugly, hulking-object free. There is no reason why they couldn’t have added design elements to better match the outdoors or built shelving along the walls for potted plants.

Also, can we please talk about the word “Thorium”? As a progressive community I feel like this word brings out the worst thoughts in people. I don’t want potential home buyers to hear that word and be assaulted with images of vikings with dirty beards dripping with the blood of oppressed people. Inclusion, tranquility, and good schools within walking distance should be on the mind of every potential new home owner when they arrive, not hammers and radiation.

I know some of you may think that I’m taking on too much with the power plant, especially if I’m going to fulfill my campaign promise of having us officially moved into the preservation zone. I see the two issues as intertwined. I refuse to believe that the power plant is any less dangerous to endangered wildlife than my cats. They are animals too, and it is unreasonable that I can be punished if they happen to catch a bird or two. That is nature. It makes no sense to control nature in a nature preserve.

On a slightly unrelated note, I’d like to thank Shelby for loaning me her extra cat carrier. Because this was Elvira’s first trip to the vet, she was very nervous and had an accident inside. I did my best to clean it out, but the smell was pretty bad, and the kids were starting to complain so I had to put it outside. It’s at the end of the driveway, feel free to pick it up as soon as you can. We don’t want to leave items like that in the driveway too long. It looks trashy.

We don’t want our whole neighborhood looking trashy either and that’s what the power plant does. It’s loud, ugly, and poorly named. It is a huge danger to our home values and the Tanager
way of life. With your help and support this lioness is going to let Veilcorp hear her roar, and threaten with legal action if they don’t give in to at least some of her demands.

Kitchen Accident Turns Into Billion Dollar Industry For Local Man

Thomas Edison once famously said that none of his inventions came by accident, and that being a successful inventor boiled down to “1% inspiration and 99% perspiration.” That may have been true for Edison, but local resident Art Pua’a had a very different journey. You may not recognize the name, but you undoubtedly know about Art’s happy kitchen accident. Chances are you have a pantry full of his invention. Art created the wildly popular meat product, SSHAM.

Shrimped, salted ham has grown into a multi-billion dollar industry from its humble beginnings in Art’s kitchen. Last year over 10 million cans were sold in Hawaii alone, making it the most popular processed meat product in history. It’s true that the pig meeting shrimp for spicy-salted-goodness flavor takes a while to get used to for the uninitiated, the smell in particular can be a high hurdle. One critic famously described the smell as something like, “a pig with legs made out of rotting shrimp playing in a puddle of industrial waste,” Pua denies rumors that SSHAM is made from a shrimp-pig hybrid that Vereserum of Lahaina created in some late night experiment. In fact, Art says the first batch was born from necessity, convenience, and a little luck.

He says,

“It was late December 2029 and I was sitting at home with my jaw wired shut. We had a bunch of friends and relatives over for the holidays, and they wanted to try out the new ziplines in town. Needless to say there was an accident that involved my face and the side of a building. I broke my jaw in 3 places, and was sitting at home watching everyone eat and laugh while waiting to take another sip of my liquid pain medication. Everyone went to bed, but I couldn’t sleep so I went into the kitchen, broke out the blender, and started to look for something that I could liquify. Pickings were slim, but eventually I found some shrimp cocktail, a cuban sandwich, and a few other secret ingredients. I put it all together and pushed the button. After a few minutes, things looked smooth enough for me, and I had a taste. I was amazed at how good it was. I ended up sitting on the back deck taking small sips out of the blender cup and passed out. When I woke up everyone was raving about the blender loaf I made. It was unusually hot that week, and I guess I left the blender under the glass table at just the right angle. The sun had cooked the top half, and for some reason my uncle tried some before throwing it away. If it wasn’t for uncle Andy’s penchant for eating anything, SSHAM might not exist today. The rest has been an amazing journey. I’m not saying it was always an easy one, but the public response has been great. I especially love all the different ways people are using it.”

There’s no doubt that millions of people enjoy the flavor of SSHAM, but that is just a part, the smallest part one might argue, of the products allure. One of the earliest advertising taglines, “Tell us what you do with your SSHAM” was a huge success, with multiple websites and cottage industries born from the campaign. The company now proudly claims that SSHAM is “The meat of 1,000 uses.”

Art has a team that searches for the best recipes and uses for his creation, and posts them on the company’s site. The uses cover a wide range and some are quite creative. According to the site, SSHAM makes a good fish bait if you run out and rubbed liberally on the skin makes an effective mosquito repellent. Bits of it left around the outside of your home can even deter termites according to one claim. Others say that SSHAM promotes healing and a slice can be used to treat minor cuts, scrapes, and burns. People claim that applying a paste made from the product to your feet at night helps draw out toxins. There is even a beauty spa in Maui that offers SSHAM facials.
Other uses include: Mixing with antacids to make a strong natural glue, inserting a small strip of cloth in the middle to make an emergency candle, and drying a can to use the crumbled SSHAM as a furniture polish.

Even the packaging is special. SSHAM makes its containers of a natural plastic derived from shrimp shells. “We pride ourselves on sustainability,” says Art. The special nature of the containers make it popular with hobbyists and artists alike. Local artisan Ano Lee makes bags and device protectors out of the containers at his maker commune in Lahaina. “Of course we love to eat it just like everyone else, but we also believe in using every part of the SSHAM here,” he says.

SSHAM has plenty of more traditional users as well. It’s almost impossible to not find an infused shot or tea on the islands, and it is widely used as a flavoring agent in restaurants despite it’s famously strong smell. When asked about it a local chef answered, “I’ll be honest it takes a while to get used to, but after using it for so many years now I actually like the smell. It smells like….nature.”

SSHAM’s popularity shows no signs of slowing down with Art saying that he is in the planning stages of building a new factory in Lahaina now. “The new facility is just the beginning. We’re talking with a few outlets about doing a show highlighting the different things SSHAM can do, and we plan on testing a few new flavors next year. I can’t get into specifics, but if you like fruity or spicy flavors you’ll be happy with what we have coming.”