STORYLINE

SSHAM Announces New “Regional Flavors” Product Line

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There’s no doubt that Lahaina’s favorite canned meat product has come a long way since Art Pua’a blended up that first loaf in his kitchen almost two decades ago. Hawaiian’s love of SSHAM is famous, and helped the company expand to the mainland, where it has become a guilty pleasure for thousands living on the West Coast. But what if the company’s famous shrimpy-ham flavor was replaced with shrimpy-goat or shrimpy-duck? Would consumers really go for SSHOAT or SSHUCK? The company is banking they will, and is set to launch a new line of SSHAM designed to cater to specific tastes and regions of the U.S. as well as the international market.

Whether you have a slice with your coffee in the morning, or diced in your noodles later in the day, if you live on Maui, chances are you’re going to eat SSHAM today. A recent survey showed that over 50% of Maui natives eat SSHAM at least once a day. According to SSHAM creator and CEO Art Pua’a that sort of brand loyalty is no accident. The company’s success comes down to listening to his customers and focusing on the familiar flavors of the island, Art claims, and now he plans on doing the same in a number of regional markets.

“We’re really building on the massive success of Pineapple SSHAM,” he says. “We learned a lot about the draw of familiar flavors to consumers. There are just certain things you expect to eat when visiting specific locations. Some foods and proteins are a part of an area’s culinary DNA. We’ve identified over 30 of these areas, both on the mainland and internationally, where we feel we can take advantage of non-traditional meats and tastes. You’ll hear the herds of bison thundering in your belly when you taste a chunk of SSHISON in the Great Plains, consumers in North Africa will be anything but gruff when they open a can of SSHOAT, and our Chinese friends will be quaking with delight with every slice of SSHUCK. By providing customers with the flavors they grew up with, elevated by the amazing taste of SSHAM, we hope to make our canned meat products a staple across the globe.”

While goat flavored SSHAM may sound strange to many, Pua’a’s plans are not that unusual. Many restaurants and grocery chains offer special regional menus and products in different areas and countries. Industry insiders say the expansion could be huge for the company if their products are well received. If SSHAM can gain a customer base internationally as loyal as it is in Hawaii, it could be a game changer for Pua’a and his employees.

Despite Pua’a’s exuberance, not everyone is sold on the idea of using regionally specific proteins. Creature Comfort Animal Sanctuary Director, and the man behind Lahaina’s park cleaning squirrel crews Brandon Kama worries about the animals planned to be part of the new line of products.

“I think SSHAM needs to be very careful with a few of it’s planned products. Conservation laws and practices can vary greatly in other countries, and they all don’t take sustainability as seriously as we do. Some of the flavors I’ve seen make my stomach churn, not because of their questionable palatability, but because of the undue pressure on populations that stuffing some of these animals into a can of SSHAM could cause. Take their planned whale infused product, WHAM, for example. The international community has clearly said that whaling is cruel and inhumane. Yet Art seems happy to grind up whale meat and put it in a can if he thinks there’s a market. The misplaced sea otter pod that has taken up residence in Oneloa Bay is thriving. What if someone decided their meat was delicious? Would we see cans of SSHOTTER on the shelves? I feel that the company should slow down and learn more about these animals and their populations before grinding them up.”

Some islanders have more unique concerns about the new SSHAM products revolving around the urban legend of the shrig. Glimpsea and YouTube personality Randy Wilcox has publicly questioned the expansion over concerns of new animal hybrids being created and possibly escaping.

“Shrigs are real and they’re no joke! My brother and his wife broke into the factory a few years ago looking for the shrimp-pig hybrids that SSHAM created to save money. Nothing happened to him, but my sister-in-law got bit by one when they were trying to sneak back out. She didn’t get a good look at it, but she saw a doctor and got pictures of the wound on her backside. One of them escaped and broke into a Big Bites store less than a month ago. Now imagine how much damage an armored lion, tiger, or bear could do? Oh my is right! You can’t turn back time on an angry Shear. I think someone in the government needs to take a good luck at what they’re making in that factory before it’s too late.”

STORYLINE

Authorities Dismantle Massive SSHAM Money Laundering Enterprise

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Federal authorities say that they have shutdown one of the largest money laundering rings Hawaii has ever seen. According to papers filed on Thursday, the criminal enterprise laundered over $350 million in the past 5 years. However, it is not the amount of money that 40-year-old Alex Luahi processed that is garnering so much attention. It is the way he laundered the money, and the way he got caught that is grabbing headlines all the way to the mainland. According to prosecutors, Luahi was laundering money as the island’s largest SSHAM distributer.

Officials say the Luahi family have long ties to criminal organizations in Hawaii. Alex’s father served as a lieutenant in the famous Hawaiian crime syndicate known as The Company. For almost 30 years, The Company controlled virtually all criminal activity on the islands but was stopped in the 1990s. However, many escaped prosecution and some of the criminal elements that filled the void began their own enterprises, eventually becoming clients of Alex.

Authorities claim that Alex worked as a middleman for many years, holding stolen property and hiding vehicles in his warehouses before taking advantage of his job as a food distributor. They say everything began to change 5-years ago when Alex began to launder money for a number of organizations. At the same time Luahi began his criminal enterprise, his legitimate business was booming, making him the biggest SSHAM distributer in Hawaii. At any given time, Luahi warehouses held over a million cans of: SSHAM, SSHAM Less, and SSHAM Extra Spicy in inventory. However, Lauhi’s success, notoriety, and personal indulgences began to concern some of his clients.

Everyone on the island began to know Alex as the SSHAM Chief because of his lavish lifestyle, and his fleet of SSHAM styled cars. Insiders say Luahi would hold extravagant theme parties for friends and clients every weekend. Ice sculptured cans, SSHAM fountains, and grand buffets with the canned meat product served in every imaginable way, greeted guests and started rumors circulating.

It was said that Luahi’s office desk was covered in silver trays heaping with slices of pure SSHAM that had never seen the inside of a can, and that he was working on a dehydrated smokable version. Many other outlandish excesses were attributed to the SSHAM Chief as well. He made headlines last year when he donated all the SSHAM at SSHAM Fest from his personal stock. It was then that authorities began to take notice of Luahi’s operation, and his criminal customers started making their concerns known.

Things came to a head last month after 28-year-old Rodger Hihio crashed a truck containing 24 tons of artisanal SSHAM and damaged much of the load. For many foodies and SSHAM aficionados summer means one thing, the release of the First Pressing Reserve, the finest SSHAM of the year. Many wait all year to stock-up on the seasonal delicacy. It is not unusual for stores to sell out within hours. With the crash destroying around 10% of the total supply, the price began to soar. When Luahi announced he was personally keeping another 10% of the supply as an investment, the ensuing publicity was the last straw.

According to papers filed on Thursday, Alex’s frightened brother Craig came to the feds looking for help and protection. A quality control manager at the SSHAM factory in Lahaina, Craig claimed to have limited knowledge about the business itself, but admitted falsifying manifests and records. He told authorities that he and his family had been threatened and he feared that his brother’s life was in danger saying that, “All that salty-spicy-shrimped goodness has gone to his head. He can’t see past all the empty First Press Select cans anymore. He’s put himself and his family in danger over crazy parties and canned meat.”

The Treasury Department’s Office of Investigations (OIG) and other federal authorities say the arrests this morning are just the beginning of an ongoing 6 month investigation, and that more are coming. The self proclaimed SSHAM Chief Alex Luahi is facing 36 counts of money laundering and fraud. He is expected to enter a plea sometime early next week.

STORYLINE

Hungry Boar Breaks Into Second Big Bites Store

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For the second time in as many weeks, cameras have caught a hungry boar breaking into an area Big Bites location, and eating thousands of dollars worth of merchandise. The Lahaina police say they responded to an alarm at 2332 Lahainaluna Road early Saturday, only to find signs of a break-in and a vandalized store. Upon review of the security footage, it was discovered that the burglar was a familiar, but unusual looking boar, making a pig out of himself on the store’s products. Officials say that it is extremely rare for a boar to come so close to the city, and warn the public to stay away, and call the DLNR if they spot the beast.

Nicknamed “Fatback” because of it’s strangely colored hump and bulbous eyes, the animal has become a bit of an online sensation since the release of a video last Monday. The footage shows the beast breaking into the first Big Bites location, and treating the store like a buffet. This latest video has only increased interest, and has some calling the incidents publicity stunts, or even proof of the urban legend of the the Shrig.

Lahaina Police posted a video on their YouTube and Glimpsea pages last week titled-“Big Boar Likes Big Bites”- that showed the boar eating sausage, and later, jerky from a cooler that it had opened with its snout. The video soon had millions of views world wide, with many calling the video some sort of viral campaign, a claim officials vehemently deny.

A police spokesperson says, “I can understand why people would be dubious. The boar looks and acts strangely, and it has now broken into two different locations of the same meat-centric convenience store. However, if this job has taught me anything, it’s that once you think you’ve seen it all, something like this happens and reminds you that you haven’t.”

Greg Iona of the Department of Land and Natural Resources says that it is extremely rare for a boar to wander so close to people, especially on this part of the island. He says that the boar is likely injured, and unable to find food normally due to its deformities, making it extremely dangerous.

“Boar attacks are rare but not unheard of. A family was viciously attacked in the Hana Forest Reserve back in 2025. In that case, several people were hospitalized and the boar was euthanized. However, that was on the opposite end of the island. We just don’t see a lot of boars in the Lahaina area, and I’ve never heard of one breaking into a store, let alone doing it twice. I’ve looked at the security footage, and in my opinion this animal’s deformity has left it unable to fend for itself. Pigs are very smart, and unfortunately this one has started to associate human sounds and smells with food, making it very dangerous. We’re talking about an animal strong enough to break down a door to get what it wants. We are doing everything we can to capture the animal before it causes any further damage or hurts someone seriously.”

Bob Abramo, owner of the Big Bites chain, also denies that the videos are a publicity stunt, but says he is conflicted about the break-ins and the boar itself. “There’s no doubt that Fatback has been good for business, but he has ruined over 100 pounds of premium sausage, and eaten $1000 worth of the world’s best jerky so far. He obviously has great taste, but he’s taking meat out of my mouth, and that’s something I just can’t have.”

Abramo has offered a reward to anyone who is able to bag the beast, or facilitate its capture, with the condition that he gets the boar. He says,

“I’m an eye for an eye, and a bite for a bite kind of guy. Anyone who is able to bring me Fatback, alive or dead, will get a free weekly meal at The Chop House for a year. I’m talking about a good meal too, with appetizers and mandatory dessert. You’ll leave stuffed. Part of the reason some Iberian hams are so good is that the pigs eat almost nothing but acorns during the Fall. This gives the meat a distinctive nutty aftertaste. What an animal eats is hugely important to its flavor. In this case, we have an animal who has been living for the past few weeks on some of the best meat and meat snacks in the world. I can’t wait to taste him! Fattened up on the Abramo premium sausage blend, with smoky-salty notes of select jerky…..I can’t stop my mouth from watering to be honest. The DLNR has estimated him to weigh over 300 pounds from the video, but i’d guess he’s closer to 400. That’s a lot of double pork sandwiches to help settle my nerves and stomach.”

STORYLINE

Search for surfing champion Layla Kalani is officially called off

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All of Lahaina is in mourning today as the Coast Guard officially announced the end of its search for actress, surfing champion, and Womanimal spokesperson Layla Kalani. The surfing legend has been missing 6 days with no sign of her found yet. The announcement was expected, but has still sent shockwaves through the sporting world. Layla would have turned 50 last week.

It was supposed to be the final jewel in the crown of the surfing queen. Often athletes have a hard time with the idea of retirement, but Layla decided on going out big. Her plan was to spend the days leading up to her 50th birthday paddling her board to all the Hawaiian islands. Her production company and a small Manimal crew would film her surfing each island, and her journey, for a documentary about her life.

Starting in Kailua Kona on the big island, Kalani had made it past Molokai and was heading towards Kailua when the trouble began. According to investigators, unbeknownst to the crew of Layla’s support boat, a crack had formed in the freshwater tank, filling the spaces between the hull and making the vessel extremely unbalanced. Layla was onboard having a meal when a rogue storm hit. The boat capsized before anyone could call for help.

The survivors say Kalani took charge immediately and they credit her with their lives. According to a member of the film crew.

“Before we knew it we were in the water. The front of Layla’s board was cracked and the boat was almost upside down. I’m not the best swimmer and I thought I was done, but Layla helped me climb higher up the hull and told me to keep kicking if I slipped down. I told her I couldn’t swim, but she told me it would be alright, “just keep kicking”. She helped a couple of us on her board and said she’d be back. After a while she returned for another board full. She said the same thing each time, “keep kicking”. Eventually it was my turn. I’m not sure how long it took for her to get us all to the beach, it seemed like days. I thought that she’d gotten everyone, but a couple of PA’s went for help when they got to the beach so our final count was short. Layla said she was going back out to the boat to make sure nobody was left behind. By that time the sun was coming up. Kalani kept kicking all night for the crew. That was the last we saw of her, kicking the broken board that saved us all back out there, towards the rising sun. I’ll never forget that image.”

Officially declared lost at sea, Kalani’s life and heroic end was the topic of every discussion in the news this morning. Many of her competitors and celebrities have sent their condolences to her friends and family, as well as expressing shock and sadness over her loss. CEO of Manimal Spencer Kane seemed especially hard hit over the news. Unable to talk at a scheduled press conference this afternoon, a spokesperson read his statement which said in part, “When I met Layla she was just a teenager. We were just a small group of people who had a dream to make the best sports drink the world had ever seen. She was just a kid with a dream of being the world’s best surfer. We took a chance on her, and she took a chance on us. I thought she was special when we first met but when I watched her jump on that shark I knew I was right. That was when millions of others learned what I knew about Layla. She helped make Manimal what it is today. I’m so bummed that I cancelled our annual corporate wakeboarding event this afternoon. It’s going to be a while before I can handle gnarly waves again. Her actions after the accident don’t surprise me, Kalani kept kicking like a Womanimal until the end.”

STORYLINE

Expansion of Controversial Drone Privacy Law Proposed

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Love it or hate it, if you’re a Maui native chances are you have an opinion on HRS-986, more commonly known as the drone privacy law. The legislation has ruffled plenty of feathers and interfered with numerous public events over the past year, but now privacy advocates want to expand the program to all public cameras and businesses participating in Glimpsea’s Lahaina View Project. If passed, business owners will be forced to verbally warn all patrons that they are being filmed “for marketing and security purposes” and obtain a signed release.

The subject of countless parodies on late-night television and spawning thousands of memes, the drone privacy act was supposed to protect the privacy of Maui citizens and the millions of tourists who visit every year. After a number of high-profile incidents involving the Veilcorp drones that continuously film activities on the island, HRS-986 promised to protect anonymity and curtail where the drones could film, a promise many say the law didn’t keep.

Forcing Veilcorp drones to broadcast a warning message whenever entering a new area or switching targets while filming, there were issues almost immediately. Weddings were ruined, as drones repeated the warning for each guest in attendance. One infamous video shows drones pursuing a funeral procession and drowning out speakers at a memorial service. Bird watchers and nature enthusiasts say the drone warnings scared away wildlife and disturbed the peaceful beauty of the preservation zone. Some conservationists even blame the automated announcements on the sharp decline in nesting sites of the Palila, a critically endangered finch-billed species of Hawaiian honeycreeper.

Overnight it became impossible to go anywhere outside and not eventually hear, “Pursuant to HRS-986, The Hawaiian Drone acknowledgment act of 2050, You are on notice that you are being filmed and agree to have your image captured and streamed for marketing and security purposes.” With their automated movements, pranksters began to place whirligigs & wind spinners in lawns late at night to attract drones and wake up entire neighborhoods with 85 decibels of privacy concerns.

With so much bad press it may seem strange that anyone is pushing to expand the program, but privacy groups say there is a need to protect against the public intrusions created by Glimpsea’s Lahaina View Project as well. They say the network of public and private cameras are a threat to anonymity and are concerned about the recently announced facial recognition abilities of the system.

“Uncle” Ralph Umeke, owner of the popular Hula Noodle eatery, and a Lahaina fixture is not a fan of the proposed expansion, calling it, “unmitigated nonsense!”

“It’s bad enough that they got those mechanical parrots buzzing around repeating that nonsense like a broken record, but now they want me to read a statement to everyone who comes into the shop and have them sign papers too? It’s nonsense! Do you know how busy I am during the lunch rush? If I have to read a statement and get paperwork for each individual who wants some noodles on a Friday afternoon, there’s going to be a whole lot of people who don’t get anything to eat. I like to listen to contented slurping in the shop, not my voice declaring, “This business operates within the Lahaina View Zone. Your image will likely be recorded for commercial purposes while you engage in commerce here.” It’s stupid! You already can barely hear the waves over the drone announcements at the beach some days. I’m not going to do the same inside my shop while people try to enjoy their food.”

Many business owners feel the same as Umeke but backers of the new legislation say the law will go a long way to foster goodwill with the public. Privacy advocate and author of such books as, “Stop Talking To Me: A Guide in Elevator Etiquette” Kevin Morrow says that the new law is needed to fill in the cracks left by HRS -986.

“HRS-987-4 simply adds protections to anyone filmed by the numerous cameras downtown participating in Glimpsea’s misguided enterprise. Models need to sign waivers for the use of their images and they’re getting paid. I think the general public deserves at least the same protections as someone wearing the latest flip-flop line for money.

The truth of the matter is that every year millions of people are devastated by the effects of mistimed photography and misleading video. Whether it’s a school picture taken during a blink, a wedding video catching a drunk uncle pantsless due to a belt malfunction, or someone being falsely labeled a wine spiller because of a handful of incidents, these sorts of permanent reminders of brief seconds of embarrassment are unacceptable.

Unfortunately, I have personal experience in how pictures can create and perpetuate false narratives. Many years ago I innocently spilled wine while filling glasses at a family get together. Luckily, I was able to move past the fumbling and my normally critical family didn’t mention it for the rest of the evening. I didn’t think much of it until it happened again at Christmas. This time, however, it was caught on film and posted to social media for my ridicule.

I was viciously labeled a “Spiller” by friends and family, even though my cousin Randy clearly hit the table the third and fourth time it happened on camera. I no longer felt safe at family events and refused to attend them to avoid any other labels and damage to my character. I even began to doubt my ability to pour other liquids, causing me great embarrassment and difficulty. With the help of my doctor and my plastic support pitcher, I was slowly able to gain my confidence back. I’m happy to announce that I can once again pour freely around the house without any issues. However, if this law had been around then, it may have saved me several years of struggle. We have a duty to protect the public from situations like mine. We need to guard against red-eye pictures, misguided vacation wardrobe decisions, and improperly recorded audio. That is why I believe HRS-987-4 is an important step in the right direction.”

STORYLINE

New Manimal Drink Helps Fuel Couple’s Unlikely Rescue

A pair of extreme tree climbers were saved over the weekend after falling, and suffering serious injuries late Friday night. 27-year-old Craig Hema and his wife 25-year-old Brook, suffered broken bones and internal injuries after a failed attempt to climb Okilani, an ancient Ohi’a tree in the news recently because of its amazing growth spurt. However, it’s not the couples accident that has caught the public’s attention, it is how the pair, with the help of a new Manimal formula, saved themselves from a potentially deadly situation.

Maui has become a hotspot for recreational tree climbers over the past few years. With the discovery of many unusually large trees in remote locations, like the venerable Okilani, and the abundance of huge banyans across the island, climbers from around the world are seeking out the challenges offered by the Hawaiian wilds. Extreme free-climbing enthusiasts, the Hema’s have climbed virtually everything over the years from buildings, bridges, to mountains, but it is huge trees that have grabbed their attention lately. “It was our dream to climb every species over 130 feet tall. When we read about Okilani, we packed our gear, our Manimal Black, and bought tickets to Maui,” says Brook.

With a map to the ancient tree’s location purchased from a local, and one of the public Manimal ATVs, the pair set off to find their target. “The map wasn’t exactly accurate. By time we found her, it was already getting dark, and our ATV had died,” says Craig. “We had less than an hour of light left and heck of a long hike in the morning, so I decided we should hurry up and climb. That was a huge mistake.”

During their climb a branch broke under Brook, causing her to fall on Craig, and bringing both tumbling to the ground. Brook suffered a sprained knee, a broken hand, and multiple contusions, Craig however was not so lucky. A broken pelvis and multiple rib fractures made it almost impossible for the 27-year-old climber to move. Knowing that they would have to spend the night, Brook started a fire to see them through until morning.

“It was so cold that night, and I was having a hard time keeping Craig awake. I was afraid that if he fell asleep, he wouldn’t wake up. Luckily, we had plenty of Manimal Black to keep us awake. I knew that there was no chance he’d fall asleep pumped with so many energy charged chemicals coursing through him. Even though the bottle says not to drink more than one can every six hours, I gave him three to pound in a row. It worked! We made it through the night, and by morning Craig was really jittery and anxious to leave. Since a god portion of the way out was going to be downhill, my plan was to put him on the ATV and push him as far as I could before going out on my own for help. I packed up our stuff and poured some of the Manimal on the fire and something amazing happened. Instead of putting it out, the fire flamed up, singeing my hair. That gave me an idea.”

“When Brook said she was going to pour the rest of our Manimal Black into the ATV’s emergency tank, I told her it would never work. I’ve never been so glad to be wrong,” says Craig. “I couldn’t believe it when the motor turned over, even if it sounded terrible. The engine was knocking, it would backfire a cloud of really sour smelling fumes every now and then, and the air around us tasted like salt, but it was definitely running. We had to go slow because every bump was agony, and the engine light came on almost right away, but we made it to a main road right before the engine seized. I’ll never go anywhere again without a Manimal Black in my bag. I truly believed in saved my life,” adds Craig.

The couple were treated at the Lahaina Medical center, where Craig remains due to the severity of his injuries. DLNR Senior Investigator Greg Iona has ticketed the pair for the damage caused to Okilani, but says the tree will survive. “This is a living thing that has been around for over 4,000 years. It has seen the rise and fall of countless governments and civilizations. It has seen amazing leaps in science and technology, and the worst follies of man. Above all, it deserves to not be treated as someone’s personal jungle gym. It deserves our respect. I’m glad that the only thing permanently damaged in this case was the ATVs engine, but we can not allow the exploitation of protected flora on the island. I hope they’ve learned their lesson.”

Manimal CEO Spencer Kane, on the other hand, says that the Hema’s story is an inspiration, and he’s glad that Manimal was there when they needed it.

“Manimal Black is the most powerful energy drink ever created. There’s a reason the label says: Do not drink more than 1 can every 6 hours, not suitable for children, pregnant woman, and those sensitive to extreme hydration. We warn about jitters, unusual redness, dizziness and hot flashes, but I guess we’re going to have to add something about keeping it away from open flames,” he jokes. “In all seriousness, Manimal Black promises that it’s an overly salted, aggressively sour lemon/lime…..punch to the face. Sometimes in a crisis that’s exactly what you need. I’m glad Manimal Black could help the Hemas make it through what could have been a really dark day. We wish them many more awesome adventures with a can of Manimal by their side. Manimal Black is the perfect fuel for peak human performance, however, our legal department feels it’s necessary for me to point out that it should never be used as a fuel or fuel additive in any vehicle. It can cause misfires, reduced engine power, knocking, valve fouling, catalytic poisoning, it can act as a solvent, and can potentially cause permanent damage to your vehicle.”

STORYLINE

Competition To Crown New Duracave Brand Ambassador Wraps-Up This Weekend

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In a little over 48 hours, Duracave, the popular maker of outdoor and survival gear, will be one step closer to crowning a new brand ambassador. The semi-final leg of the competition wraps up Saturday evening, bringing a group of Duracave enthusiast within reach of becoming the face of the company. Notwithstanding a few hiccups, the competition has been a huge marketing success, with millions following the company’s livestream and watching contest videos.

Almost 2 months ago, Duracave announced the search for a customer to become the new brand ambassador. The company screened thousands of videos looking for a spokesperson who not only used Duracave products, but had “the will, ingenuity, and heart of a real survivor.” Hundreds of hopefuls have been whittled down to a dedicated dozen, who have spent the last 5 days in West Maui with only their skills, what they can find around them, and Duracave products to survive.

Duracave CEO Barrett Stone says he couldn’t be more proud of the contestants who’ve made it this far, “Survival isn’t a game where there’s winners and losers. You either survive or you don’t, it’s that simple. I can’t say that I’m proud of everyone who entered so far, after all there is no such thing as a Duracave participation trophy. Frankly, I cringe a little when I think about some of the contestants we’ve seen using our products, but I can say that I would be proud to drink some purified urine with any of our 12 semi-finalists!”

While many companies have turned towards crowdsourced contests and competitions to promote their products cheaply, Stone says the Duracave challenge is more about brand authenticity.

“All too often consumers see spokespeople who are just paid actors or people with no organic connection to a product. Our customers are just too savvy to believe that models eat cheeseburgers by the handful, or that celebrity don’t have people who handle their finances and credit card bills for them. Duracave lovers don’t have the patience for that kind of nonsense, and we wouldn’t patronize them with a clean-faced spokesperson in freshly pressed pants.

We want a brand ambassador as authentic and real as the struggle to survive is. We want someone who: knows how to gut an ungulate with a sharp rock. Someone who not only knows what the water from a puddle tastes like, but has learned to love it. The kind of person who puts their survival and that of their loved ones above all else, and is willing to do what others won’t to secure it. We want someone ready to do what it takes after a natural disaster or a government insurrection. Our products are valuable tools for people like that, and we want one of them speaking for us.”

Despite authorities having to save one contestant after his handmade outrigger canoe became swamped by waves near Black Rock Beach earlier this week, the competition has gone off without a hitch. Many were concerned that would-be ambassadors would disturb protected areas inside the Lahaina preservation zone. Department of Land and Natural Resources (DLNR) senior investigator Greg Iona says, “So far there haven’t been any problems in that area. In fact, a few haven’t even gone inside the zone so far.”

One such contestant, Lahaina’s own Randy Wilcox, says avoiding wild areas is part of his strategy. “Most people aren’t going to be out in the middle of nowhere when everything goes to hell; they’re going to be in a city. I’m focusing on showing how Duracave can help you survive in an urban setting too.”

So far his strategy has paid off, and his unconventional strategy has made Wilcox a fan favorite.

“Unlike most contestants I’ve chosen a beach area to show-off my skills. While it may be too windy for a structure built from sticks and twine, I’ve built a hut out of empty Manimal cans filled with sand and a few repurposed beach umbrellas. I’ve cubed up a couple cans of SSHAM, and are using them as candles. Not only do they provide enough light to allow me to work on my manifesto at night, but the smell attracts crabs and some of the slower moving seabirds. I’ve been using whatever comes to close to my hut to supplement my stash of Fred’s Famous Raccoon Noodles. I also borrowed my nephew’s “Little Liberty Survival Kit” for this stretch of the competition, and have cobbled together a speargun. I’ve been trying to attract sharks on the other side of the reef with my own blood. Even though I haven’t been able to land one yet; It’s only a matter of time before I’m able to chum one close enough to hit. These other competitors may have worked hard and endured uncomfortable circumstances, but I’m the only one who has actually added blood to their sweat and tears. Duracave deserves nothing less in their next spokesperson!”

STORYLINE

Watchdog Group Warns That Explosion at Lahaina Business Was Caused by 127-Laden Fruit

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The investigation into a recent accident at one of the popular “Pineapples and Oranges” smoothie bars in downtown Lahaina took a strange twist today, thanks to the watchdog group VeilWatch. The group released internal Veilcorp documents which they say prove the explosion at the popular bar was caused by fruit “saturated by high levels of element 127.” Officials say that they are exploring any and all leads regarding the accident which injured 5, but have not had time to review the documents sent to multiple media outlets yet. Veilcorp vehemently denies the group’s claims calling them an “unfortunate but wholly predictable attempt to mislead the public.”

One of the most beloved refreshment stops on Front Street, Pineapples and Oranges, has expanded throughout Maui, but the busiest store remains the original Lahaina location. It’s not unusual to wait 20-30 minutes during peak hours, and the lines on the weekends have become legendary. Given its popularity, officials say it is a miracle that more people were not injured after an explosion rocked the store hard enough to shatter windows on Saturday. Despite early reports of another terror attack, investigators now say they are focusing on a malfunctioning LuWow! blender as the most likely culprit. However, Tim Durney, former investigator for the Iowa Department of Natural Resources, and founder of the watchdog group VeilWatch, says that he believes unprecedented levels of 127 in bananas is responsible, and he has the documents to prove it.

“To be clear, the cause of this explosion which sent 5 innocent people to the hospital was likely smoothie ingredients laden with 127. We’ve released internal Veilcorp communications proving that the corporation knew that 127 has potassium-like affinities making it possible to build up in explosive amounts in certain fruits, like bananas. Thanks to the company’s Icarus project, we’ve already seen what the dangerous levels of 127 currently saturating the Earth can do to animal life. It should come as no surprise that it would have an equally deleterious effect on plants. In fact the emails we released today prove that Veilcorp knew about the potential problem and failed to warn the public. Who knows what else is slowly being charged with 127, and getting ready to blow.”

Veilcorp officials released a short statement reading in part, “Far more dangerous than Mr. Durney’s theoretical banana bomb, is his unfortunate but wholly predictable attempt to mislead the public…We wish those injured this weekend a speedy recovery. It is a shame that Veilwatch chooses to exploit such incidents to further their agenda of misinformation and cloud this investigation.”

While the new accusations may not add any clarity to the situation, one man present during the explosion says he believes the investigators are on the right track. Store manager John Driscol says that one LuWOW! machine in particular is to blame.

“Everyone who works in the Front Street store knows the history of machine number 4. We have 8 commercial blenders at that location, but number 4 has a mind of its own, and it’s troubled. I took this job because I’m a huge smoothie fan, and I didn’t know exactly what a store manager did. I thought I could just delegate most responsibilities. I’m a great delegator, but it turned out the job occasionally demands I be more hands-on than I thought.

Number 4 is the only original smoothie machine left, and it’s had a bad attitude ever since we got rid of its companions. It started making really weird noises during the defrosting cycle at the end of the night. It sounded like a scream mixed with laughter. I thought for sure a bearing was going out, but it’d stop whenever maintenance showed up, and they could never find anything wrong with it. Then, It started making the noise whenever an employee spilled or broke something too. It was really unnerving. It got so bad nobody wanted to use it. Eventually it went too far and things got scary.

One night it was cackling louder than usual, so I told Bobby to take the top off and look inside, hoping that he’d see something that maintenance missed. As soon as he took the top off the cleaning cycle stopped. He saw a big chunk of ice caught in the corner and tried to pull it out. When he stuck his hand in, the thing started again and it took off the tip of his finger. We dumped out the whole tub but never found the gram of flesh it took from Bobby. But it had now tasted blood. It started to make the noise whenever he got close, and he couldn’t take it anymore. Bobby requested a transfer the morning of the incident. I was so mad that I went out there and told number 4 that I’d be damned if I was going to lose a good fruit dicer to an evil smoothie machine. I was in the middle of my rant when it blew. People may think we’re crazy, but everyone at the store knows what happened, and what’s to blame. It was number 4. I’m sorry that so many people were injured, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t going to sleep easier knowing that smoothie machine is gone.”

STORYLINE

Popular VNN Show Put on Hiatus After Drone Crashes Into Condominium

A drone filming the popular Veil News Network (VNN) show “The Beach Report” crashed into the Aloha Shores condominiums early this morning, causing serious damage to several units. While nobody was injured in the crash, this is the second incident involving drones filming the show in the past month. Officials are still investigating the incident and no charges have been filed at this time. VNN has temporarily canceled the show pending an investigation, and the FAA says it is gathering information on the case.

Along with its sister show “Veil-Curious”, an arts and leisure show that focuses on bar reviews, embarrassing tourists, and the location of a particular Italian ice vendor, The Beach Report is one of VNN’s most successful programs, especially among the 18-34-year-old demographic. It reports on temperature, wave height, wind, and “all the weather and water conditions you need to enjoy the sand and surf,” according to its programming description on the VNN website. Critics however claim that in practice, the show is nothing more than a way for viewers to ogle beachgoers. They say the show’s real-time target voting has lead to frequent unsavory viewing and recent accidents.

Officials say that The Beach Report drone began following a group of tourists heading to the beach early this morning. After being followed for a few hours, they took a Hailoha downtown in an attempt to evade the camera but were unsuccessful. The group then ran into Aloha Shores to call the police. Witnesses say that the drone tried to follow them, hitting a number of units, breaking windows, and causing exterior damage, before eventually crashing into the pool.

This is not the first time that a Beach Report drone has been involved in an accident. Earlier this month the show was in the headlines after a drone reportedly collided with a tour helicopter filled with some of the day’s most “popular” beach visitors. The National Transportation Safety Board (NTSB) has an open investigation in the case saying, “The NTSB is aware of the pilot’s report that she was forced to make an emergency landing to avoid a drone, but the NTSB has not yet been able to independently verify that information.”

Jake Tripper, Vice President of Special Programming, says that VNN is cooperating with authorities, and is putting The Beach Report on hiatus pending a thorough investigation. Despite the pushback on the show, and how it is run, Tripper says he believes the issues can be resolved with software updates, and stricter safety protocols.

“Look, we’re just giving the public what it wants. I agree that these incidents are troubling, but we’re working with authorities and doing our own internal investigation to make sure things like this don’t ever happen again. Having said that, you would not believe the number of complaints we’ve had about the show being on break. It’s clear that the people of Lahaina take their beaches very seriously, and understand how important real-time condition reports can be when planning your day. If in the course of getting a good look at the beach, we sometimes include someone lounging on the sand, or playing in the surf, I don’t think it’s a bad thing. There are all sorts of natural wonders to look at on our shores. The show’s “Sunburn Watch” segment has saved more young, taut, firm, bodies from skin damage, and sold more suntan lotion, than any other show on the network.”

Steve and Frank Lacey, of Lacey Property Management, say they pride themselves in taking care of their residents, and are shocked about the amount of damage the drone did. “I’m just glad that it didn’t hit one of our residents, it could have been disastrous. As far as I know, our condos aren’t in any danger of getting a sunburn, so there’s no need for their drones to be so close to the property. Something needs to be done to make sure nothing like this happens again. Once is an accident, twice is a problem,” says Frank. Still, Steve has a somewhat more optimistic view of the drone crash.

“I agree with my brother about the seriousness of this incident. Nonetheless, I think it will be ultimately good for business. It highlights just how hip and happening our community is. Aloha Shores is the preferred property destination for the vibrant young professional population of Lahaina. I mean the viewers of The Beach Report wanted to be part of the community so bad they crashed a drone into our pool. We’re located along some of the most beautiful beaches anywhere. Our residents are within walking distance of world class cuisine, and a fast growing nightlife scene. Our units boast the finest in eco-friendly furnishings and accouterments. Our poolside furniture is composed of pesticide free, non-GMO grasses and vines. We serve locally grown and roasted coffee, a wide variety of free-trade-heirloom teas, and organic hand-seeded melons in our communal breakfast nooks. All of our tiki mugs are handmade by local artisans, and the poolside umbrellas are made from repurposed awning materials from some of the oldest buildings on Front Street. We care about what you care about at Aloha Shores, and it shows. We have a limited number of units available, call today!”

Officials say they are still taking witness statements, and going over the scene of the accident, but Veilcorp attorney Harold Breen released a statement this morning which reads in part, “We are working openly with authorities and are grateful that nobody was hurt in this incident. Veilcorp and VNN take safety very seriously.”

STORYLINE

Transcript: SSHAM Expansion Focus Group Session 7

Moderator: First, I’d like to thank you all for agreeing to be part of this special breakout session today. You four seemed to have the strongest opinions about SSHAM, SSHAM branding, and additions to the SSHAM family. Now, to level set the discussion would you all briefly describe how you feel about SSHAM and the SSHAM brand of products.

Elizabeth: This may not be what you want to hear, but sometimes people need to hear the truth. I think it stinks, literally. I just can’t get over the smell. It’s like a garbage can filled with herring and garlic slowly burning on a windy day. I eat SSHAM at the Rotary Club once a year because it’s a tradition, but I never have it at home.

Kevin: I appreciate the thorough labeling on SSHAM cans, and your non-deceptive advertising. One of the worst things a company can do is lie to their potential customer base even when the information may not be flattering. For instance, I appreciate that you can easily confirm on the packaging that one slice of SSHAM contains 120% of your recommended daily intake of sodium, also the loaves in the commercial look almost exactly like the product when it comes out of the can. A big-slightly-moist brick of slurry meat.

Ano: Sorry to be that guy, but everything really. I love SSHAM. I haven’t found a type that I didn’t like. I even liked the coffee flavored SSHAM when it was around. I like it boiled, grilled, baked, fried, sous-vide, heck, I’ll eat it straight out of the can.

Gary: I like SSHAM too. I’m not sure I’d eat it out of a can, but I think it’s good. Sorry, I came here today hoping that I’d get to see one of the shrigs. Are we going to get a chance to see one today?

Moderator: Shrigs?

Gary: Yeah, the shrimp-pig hybrids that SSHAM is made from.

Kevin: Shrigs are what is known as an urban legend. That is a story usually passed by word of mouth that…..

Ano: Shrigs aren’t real

Gary: Like they don’t exist in nature?

Elizabeth: There’s no such thing as shrigs. SSHAM is just a bunch of pig parts that nobody wants to use for anything chopped up and blended with shrimp parts, chemicals, and spices.

Gary: Is that true? I guess I don’t want any chemicals in my body, for sure.

Moderator: SSHAM is a mixture of select pork products mixed with shrimp and a secret blend of spices to enhance it’s natural flavor. I assure you, there is no strange shrimp creatures in a can of SSHAM. Let’s move on. What would you say is your favorite flavor of SSHAM.

Elizabeth: Like I said, I reluctantly eat SSHAM First Pressing Reserve once a year.

Ano: Oh man, that’s like asking which one of your kids is your favorite? I love SShamplete, the meal replacement drinks and SSHAM Extra Dark for the increased umami flavor. I guess those are my favorites

Kevin: I prefer SShlobster flavor. It’s very creamy and I can actually go down to the docks and see the deformed crustaceans used in its creation. You can really taste how soft the shells are in each slice. It tastes just like you’d expect it to.

Gary: So SSHAM Extra Spicy isn’t made from shrigs that lived on an exclusive pepper diet? You guys just add spicy stuff to the meat shake you’re making?

Moderator: How would you feel about SSHAM offering international flavors? What sorts of flavors would you like to see in the future?

Kevin: I don’t have what I’d consider to be a good palate and this question is beyond the areas of my expertise. I’d just ask that you keep the labeling clear and honest. Other than that, I don’t feel comfortable answering.

Elizabeth: Anything that doesn’t smell or taste like SSHAM would be a good start.

Ano: I think it’s be super cool to add international flavors. I bet there are a lot of asian flavors in particular that would be very good. Maybe add some different proteins like bison, sheep or lamb, duck, or turkey for Thanksgiving or something. Man, you got me thinking now. Just about anything would be awesome! Sorry my brain is just all over the place thinking about the possibilities.

Gary: I don’t know what it’s officially called, but I really like the taste of the #12 from China House down the street from me. Sorry, I just can’t believe that shrigs aren’t real. I mean, I feel like I’m the last kid to find out Santa isn’t real. It’s just blowing my mind. It’s like your gonna tell me that there’s no such thing as a bologna cow next.

Kevin: Bologna is actually a fine ground sausage usually made from pork, bits of pork fat, and spices to make a flavorful meat with a distinctive taste and smooth texture. It can also be made with a number of other animal proteins, most commonly beef and turkey.

Gary: So there’s no bologna cows and beef bologna in the store is just some kind of huge sausage sliced thin?

Moderator: I feel like we’re getting off track. Can we please try and focus on the questions before us and SSHAM. Thank you. Now, on a scale of 1-10 1 being “absolutely will not” and 10 being “I absolutely will” how likely would you say you are to try a new SSHAM flavor when it’s available in the store?

Kevin: I feel like this question is an invasion of my privacy and that you are trying to leverage some sort of subliminal peer pressure in us, and I find it unacceptable. I choose not to answer this question and would encourage the others not to answer it as well.

Elizabeth: I would say -15.

Ano: 10, absolutely a 10. I’m a SSHAM man. What can I say? If you it slice it, I will eat it.

Gary: So I know that not every meat is named what it is made of. Pastrami is brined smoked beef, and ham is pork. Turkey is turkey of course but are you sure that there aren’t bologna cows or shrigs? What about corned beef? That’s cows that eat a lot of corn right?

Kevin: Actually, like pastrami, corned beef is simply a cured preparation of beef, but instead of smoking the cured meat at the end you boil it until…..

Moderator: Again, I feel like we’re getting offtopic. Can we please just focus on the questions I have about SSHAM. How do you feel about our past promotions and what would you like to see us do in future promotions.

Kevin: That is the second time you’ve rudely interrupted me. Coupled with your subliminal tactics, and your ham-handed attempt to ascertain the likelyhood of my future SSHAM purchases, I refuse to participate any further. Your aggression towards me is uncalled for and unprofessional. I request that you provide me with a take home questionnaire so I can still express my opinions to the company without your combative demeanor getting in the way, and tainting my thoughts and expressions.

Elizabeth: Wow! This spiraled down the drain in a hurry. I’d suggest just avoiding some of the mistakes of the past, like the bits of metal in Iron SSHAM and avoid using toxic shrimp like you did a few years ago. On second thought, just keep doing what you are doing. It seems to be working for you, and the unfortunate individuals who actually like your canned meat loaf.

Ano: I love reading the SSHAM Stories page for inspiration, and we get a lot of cool ideas for using the cans at the maker commune. Of course SSHAM Fest is the best. It’s the only time of year that I can eat enough SSHAM. I’d say that you should expand into other foods. Stuff like snacks, cereal, or ice cream. Be creative. Challenge my taste buds and my thoughts about what SSHAM can be.

Gary: So what’s salami? I feel like everyone just wants to move on and not acknowledge just how confusing lunch meat, and this whole “there’s no shrigs” thing is. I know you get bacon from a certain part of the pig but where do you get the hot dogs from? Am I the stupid one here? Do most people really know this? Did they show us a film about shrigs not being real and meat slurries when we were kids? Was I sick that day? I feel like maybe the formation of some sort of educational initiative is in order!

Moderator: Thank you all very much for your time.