STORYLINE

Re: “Meal Ticket” Episode 6 Show Notes and the Eric Oeming Incident

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Mr. Abramo,

I am new to the VNN family, but not to being a showrunner. However, In all my years in the industry, with dozens of successful programs under my belt, I have never received show notes like the ones I found on my desk this morning. I think you have vastly underestimated the liabilities you have raised, and the difficult position that you have placed me, the network, and yourself in.

Since the filming of episode 6 with Eric Oeming yesterday, my phone has not stopped ringing. I have had to bump emergency meetings, for more emergency meetings. As you know, we have had many high profile issues lately, and we can not afford another public incident. However, I am learning to lead with positivity, so let me address what we can partially agree on. The first part of your note states:

“VNN came to me with this development deal because you were hungry for locally produced content. At the very beginning, I informed you that I didn’t want to do anything demeaning or harmful to my brand. I wasn’t interested in doing anything rehashed, schlocky, or outdated. If I was going to put together a feast for the eyes of your viewers, it was going to be something I could be proud of in 20 years. I didn’t want to create something that I’d have to quickly change the channel when it came on. You promised me all of your resources, and complete autonomy, but I’m beginning to feel like you shorted my delivery. I don’t feel like you’re respecting my vision, and what I’m trying to cook up here.

“Meal Ticket”, isn’t just another reality dating show. It’s a chance for people to know that you really can have your steak and eat it too. It’s stories of love tragically lost, and found anew. It’s the dream of meeting someone under false pretenses, who has a lot of money, that you don’t necessarily dislike, and competing to marry them. Without our gentle nudge, many of these wealthy widows and widowers might spend the rest of their lives eating alone. This is about the hunt for life and love, an ancient play, performed against the backdrop of the finest chop house in the world, while a lavish dinner is served. New prospective dates arrive with each course, allowing viewers to see love, and a perfectly crafted meal progress before their eyes. Nobody has done anything this close to artistic perfection before, so why are you making substitutions to my recipe?”

While we do support the artistic vision of our show partners, I think you might have overestimated how much new ground your hidden camera dating show is breaking. My office is always open should you need anything. If you had only taken advantage of my open door policy, we might have avoided the nightmare we are currently in. You further write:

“This Eric Oeming episode should have been our best yet, but he was awful! I refuse to believe that it is too soon for the most famous man who has ever lived, to get back into the swing of things with a motivated young lady. There’s no way he should be single! It’s been over nine years since his family was killed in that explosion and his return to work. How long can you mourn? If anything, he should be thanking me. Instead, he’s so damn humorless that his lawyers are threatening to come after me for not getting a signed waiver to record him. They’re also going on with some nonsense about false pretenses and statements, as if lying to someone to include them in a reality show is a crime. He’s a public figure, I’m sure there are people lying to him all day long. This has been a great reminder to me that no good deed goes unpunished. If he and his team of lawyers wants a fight, that’s just what they’ll get! Bob Abramo is not one to be truffled with!”

I hardly know where to begin with this statement. I think you have misjudged how big your seat is at the table. In addition to being the most famous man who has ever lived, and one of the most beloved residents of Lahaina, Eric Oeming owns our parent company, do you know what that means? I won’t even get into the rumors about what happens to individuals who get on his wrong side, since the attack.

According to Oeming’s people he was told that he was being presented with something called the “Aloha Spirit” award for his lifetime of work promoting the love and ingenuity of the Hawaiian people. The only reason that he agreed to attend, is that his long-time friend “Uncle” Ralph Umeke was supposed to be presenting the award. Of course we both know this was a lie. Mr. Umeke personally told me, “I’d give up the noodle shop before I’d be involved with a monster like Abramo, and I’d never knowingly subject Eric to what amounts to a speed dating show about gold-diggers. It’s repugnant, and Abramo better hope I don’t see him walking down Front Street!”

Let me be clear, your conduct in this matter has been reprehensible. Beginning immediately, we are cancelling “Meal Ticket”. This episode, and all previously shot episodes, will never, ever air. We’re sending a team to your offices and restaurant to claim: all equipment, any copies you might have, any dailies, unused footage, and any promotional materials. I’ll remind you that we are allowed, under your contract, to go through: any personal accounts, cloud storage, computers, and physical files at your office, place of business, and home. In addition, we are: cancelling your Phxicom account, dropping your subscription to VNN network channels, cutting off your access to our chat bots and AI’s, and it’s my understanding that Lisa Hunt is beyond furious. I’m going to need you to come down to the offices this afternoon, so I can collect your badge and commissary card. I would suggest you spend the morning considering how you can mend fences, and think of a way to survive the wrath of Ms. Hunt. I’m afraid you’ve bitten off more than your fair share of trouble this time Mr. Abramo.

Jake Tripper
Vice President of Special Programming
VNN

STORYLINE

Expansion of Controversial Drone Privacy Law Proposed

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Love it or hate it, if you’re a Maui native chances are you have an opinion on HRS-986, more commonly known as the drone privacy law. The legislation has ruffled plenty of feathers and interfered with numerous public events over the past year, but now privacy advocates want to expand the program to all public cameras and businesses participating in Glimpsea’s Lahaina View Project. If passed, business owners will be forced to verbally warn all patrons that they are being filmed “for marketing and security purposes” and obtain a signed release.

The subject of countless parodies on late-night television and spawning thousands of memes, the drone privacy act was supposed to protect the privacy of Maui citizens and the millions of tourists who visit every year. After a number of high-profile incidents involving the Veilcorp drones that continuously film activities on the island, HRS-986 promised to protect anonymity and curtail where the drones could film, a promise many say the law didn’t keep.

Forcing Veilcorp drones to broadcast a warning message whenever entering a new area or switching targets while filming, there were issues almost immediately. Weddings were ruined, as drones repeated the warning for each guest in attendance. One infamous video shows drones pursuing a funeral procession and drowning out speakers at a memorial service. Bird watchers and nature enthusiasts say the drone warnings scared away wildlife and disturbed the peaceful beauty of the preservation zone. Some conservationists even blame the automated announcements on the sharp decline in nesting sites of the Palila, a critically endangered finch-billed species of Hawaiian honeycreeper.

Overnight it became impossible to go anywhere outside and not eventually hear, “Pursuant to HRS-986, The Hawaiian Drone acknowledgment act of 2050, You are on notice that you are being filmed and agree to have your image captured and streamed for marketing and security purposes.” With their automated movements, pranksters began to place whirligigs & wind spinners in lawns late at night to attract drones and wake up entire neighborhoods with 85 decibels of privacy concerns.

With so much bad press it may seem strange that anyone is pushing to expand the program, but privacy groups say there is a need to protect against the public intrusions created by Glimpsea’s Lahaina View Project as well. They say the network of public and private cameras are a threat to anonymity and are concerned about the recently announced facial recognition abilities of the system.

“Uncle” Ralph Umeke, owner of the popular Hula Noodle eatery, and a Lahaina fixture is not a fan of the proposed expansion, calling it, “unmitigated nonsense!”

“It’s bad enough that they got those mechanical parrots buzzing around repeating that nonsense like a broken record, but now they want me to read a statement to everyone who comes into the shop and have them sign papers too? It’s nonsense! Do you know how busy I am during the lunch rush? If I have to read a statement and get paperwork for each individual who wants some noodles on a Friday afternoon, there’s going to be a whole lot of people who don’t get anything to eat. I like to listen to contented slurping in the shop, not my voice declaring, “This business operates within the Lahaina View Zone. Your image will likely be recorded for commercial purposes while you engage in commerce here.” It’s stupid! You already can barely hear the waves over the drone announcements at the beach some days. I’m not going to do the same inside my shop while people try to enjoy their food.”

Many business owners feel the same as Umeke but backers of the new legislation say the law will go a long way to foster goodwill with the public. Privacy advocate and author of such books as, “Stop Talking To Me: A Guide in Elevator Etiquette” Kevin Morrow says that the new law is needed to fill in the cracks left by HRS -986.

“HRS-987-4 simply adds protections to anyone filmed by the numerous cameras downtown participating in Glimpsea’s misguided enterprise. Models need to sign waivers for the use of their images and they’re getting paid. I think the general public deserves at least the same protections as someone wearing the latest flip-flop line for money.

The truth of the matter is that every year millions of people are devastated by the effects of mistimed photography and misleading video. Whether it’s a school picture taken during a blink, a wedding video catching a drunk uncle pantsless due to a belt malfunction, or someone being falsely labeled a wine spiller because of a handful of incidents, these sorts of permanent reminders of brief seconds of embarrassment are unacceptable.

Unfortunately, I have personal experience in how pictures can create and perpetuate false narratives. Many years ago I innocently spilled wine while filling glasses at a family get together. Luckily, I was able to move past the fumbling and my normally critical family didn’t mention it for the rest of the evening. I didn’t think much of it until it happened again at Christmas. This time, however, it was caught on film and posted to social media for my ridicule.

I was viciously labeled a “Spiller” by friends and family, even though my cousin Randy clearly hit the table the third and fourth time it happened on camera. I no longer felt safe at family events and refused to attend them to avoid any other labels and damage to my character. I even began to doubt my ability to pour other liquids, causing me great embarrassment and difficulty. With the help of my doctor and my plastic support pitcher, I was slowly able to gain my confidence back. I’m happy to announce that I can once again pour freely around the house without any issues. However, if this law had been around then, it may have saved me several years of struggle. We have a duty to protect the public from situations like mine. We need to guard against red-eye pictures, misguided vacation wardrobe decisions, and improperly recorded audio. That is why I believe HRS-987-4 is an important step in the right direction.”

STORYLINE

Cabana of the Year Competition Kicks Off Lahaina Week Celebration

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All of Lahaina is buzzing in anticipation this weekend for the announcement of the winner of the “Cabana of the Year” title on Sunday. The competition, now in its 19th year, marks the official start of the Lahaina Week celebration. More than 100 cabana’s are in the running this year vying for the coveted title. While the competition has always sought to highlight the ultimate in beach comfort, this is the first year that corporate cabana’s will compete in their own category.

It may not garner the press of the Manimal Drinking Contest that closes Lahaina Week, but the Cabana of the Year event is a favorite with the locals. For almost 2 decades residents and businesses alike have constructed the ultimate outdoor lounges perfect for relaxing, and appreciating the laid back island feeling that has made West Maui a vacation paradise.

“In my opinion it is one of the greatest competitions in the world,” says resident and judge John Driscol. Star of the popular Veil Sale reality show, Driscol has judged the competition since its beginning and says, “I’m not aware of any other event that so perfectly encapsulates the area in which it is held as the cabana competition. In my opinion, these respites from the hustle and bustle of everyday life aren’t just places to lay back, have a drink, and stare at the water. They are true works of art.”

“It’s easily my favorite time of the year. Everyone has had moments in their lives that changed everything. I’ve been lucky enough to have three: the only time I saw my father cry, the birth of my precious daughter, and the first time I judged the competition. It was amazing! I thought that I’d never be more comfortable again in my life, but I was wrong. Every year, someone ups the lounging game, and it’s been a pleasure to be a part of the evolution of seaside drink sipping.”

This year marks the first time that corporate cabanas will compete in their own division. “It’s a long-time coming,” says “Uncle” Ralph Umeke, owner/operator of the famous Hula Noodle eatery and cabana contestant. Umeke says he appreciates local businesses wanting to be a part of the festivities, but they had an unfair advantage over the competition.

“I love Lisa Hunt and all the folks over at Veilcorp, but it is unrealistic to think that your average person could build an oasis as nice as one built by the largest corporation in the world. I think my tiki themed cabana has all the heart of the island, and class of the 1930’s when an appreciation of Polynesian art and culture started to spread across the world. There’s just no way I could install a mini-veil, and offer a thousand item beverage list like they could. One time SSHAM created a cabana out of a giant can with edible furniture inside, and Manimal had a wave simulator one year. All those things are great, but not something that your average resident could afford. Now the lounges have been leveled, and everyone can get back to enjoying themselves and embracing the aloha spirit.”

Many are praising the decision, especially with the black and white mark left by last year’s competition. While the event is supposed to highlight the ultimate in tranquility, 2049 was anything but tranquil for inventor Ano Lee, when his entry was plagued by a group of raccoons. The animals overran Lee’s cabana during judging, eating all the canapes before moving on. Three people were bitten in the ensuing chaos, and the contest was suspended for several hours until the little bandits could be rounded up.

“It was my fault. We had been feeding the trash pandas for weeks while we worked on a new chaise lounge design. Of course we never work without music, so I assume they started to associate the “Chill” playlist with food. I guess they must have heard the music when we set up. I was so busy fluffing pillows and explaining the modular nature of our printable cabana with the judges, that I didn’t notice the raccoons until it was too late. Next thing you know they’re trying to climb up my legs to get at the hors d’oeuvres and everyone is freaking out. I feel really bad for the people bitten, but we’ve been feeding them with totally different music than what we have playing in the cabana this year, so it shouldn’t be a problem. We’re really trying to forget the whole incident, and show off our latest custom lighting rig. I’ve never been more eager to hurry up and relax.”

STORYLINE

Lahaina Advertiser Corrections & Clarifications

The Lahaina Advertiser is committed to bringing you news and content that informs, engages, and entertains. We pride ourselves with holding the highest editorial and journalistic standards, delivering to our readers accurate, impartial, and timely stories. However, mistakes are sometimes made. When errors are brought to our attention, we seek to publish corrections and clarifications promptly and transparently. This page brings together in one place all of the corrections and clarifications made to The Lahaina Advertiser across print and digital platforms, whether as a result of complaints or further developments in a story.

April 24, 2050

  • This Mutant Crayfish Clones Itself, and It’s Taking Over Maui


An earlier version of this story misspelled the scientific name for the Red Swamp Crayfish. It is Procambarus clarkii, not Procambarus clak. Also, we have been informed that the crayfish in question does not have the ability to clone itself, and was introduced in 1923, contrary to our assertion that its presence is a mystery. Hula Noodle owner Ralph Umeke did want us to stress that the clarkii are “nasty” and nearly inedible, even with copious handfuls of garlic.

  • Randy Wilcox, Trailblazing Reality TV and Streaming Star, Dies at 46


Although seriously injured, Randy Wilcox is very much alive and recovering in the Lahaina Medical Center. Some of our readers also took issue with calling Mr. Wilcox a “star” or even “Mr.”, the latter of which is a requirement of our manual on style.

April 25, 2050

  • Veilcorp Studies Security Policies and Sees “Little Risk” to Bottom Line


An earlier version of this story misstated the portion of Veilcorp’s business that the company estimates would be affected by stricter global security policies. A spokesperson for Veilcorp says the company’s internal security protocols already exceed the measures proposed, and would not affect operations at all.

April 26, 2050

  • Hailoha Defends New Sea Service


We had mistakenly reported that Mayor Albert Cravalho had no comment on the matter. However, he had actually called for a closer look into the business, and threatened to shut down the water-based ride share service.

  • Six Films to Stream if You Loved “Veil of Terror: A Bride’s Nightmare”


Many of you suggested that Veil of Terror stands alone as one of the worst movies ever made. Readers suggested that the jerky camera work, ham-handed storyline, and actors taking on more than one role, made the film unlike any other, and trying to attach some similarity to six other films was not fair. On further review, we agreed and removed the story altogether. One of the complaints was in Esperanto, and went unresponded to.

  • What Cameras On Monk Seals Show Us: It’s Tough Out There


An earlier version of this article misstated the amount of weight lost by some seals in the study. The seals that stay around Maui during the summer lost as much as 10 percent of their body mass, not 80 percent.

  • A reader tells us that after 31 years of entering the jumble rumble competition, she finally won, only for us to spell her name incorrectly. Congratulations go to Helen Kapua and not Harold Kaper. Apologies Helen.

April 28, 2050

  • PZ Compliance Officer Elizabeth Stonegate Forced Into Apology For Maligning Civil Service


This article was amended after Mrs. Stonegate pointed out that she had in fact not apologized yet, and had no plan to. In addition, an earlier version misnamed the Center for Hawaiian Political Reform as the Center for Hawaiian Political Research.

  • What do Students Really Expect To Learn at the University of Maui Lahaina College?


This article was pulled after it was discovered that Kimberly Hekili, the only individual interviewed, was not a current student but rather had attended the unversity in 2046.

April 29, 2050

  • Hundreds of County Parks Ordered Closed Across Lahaina


We mistakenly said that more than 500 parks have closed in Lahaina since 2034 due to budget cuts. Greg Iona from the DLNR pointed out that there aren’t that many parks on the whole island, and that it was actually trails that were closed. In addition, the number of closed trails since 2034 was 5, not 500.

  • Over 1,100 years later, scientists discover what probably killed the Mayans


This article was amended to correct the spelling of Vindox Ashlidele’s name from Vindix Vagene. It was further amended for historical accuracy. While there is evidence that the Mayans had tobacco and probably smoked it, commercial cigarettes as we know them didn’t exist until the 1800’s. In addition, it is unlikely that there existed a Mesoamerican marketing campaign targeting young Mayans.

April 30, 2050

  • Unpaid internships in Lahaina now cost more than $3,500 a month


This article was amended to clarify that the cost of living in Lahaina was actually 3.5 times higher than the national average and not 2 times higher. In addition an estimated 1,000 graduates will have unpaid internships in a Lahaina business this year, not 10,000.

  • Dr. Adler Walters on the Cutting-Edge Technology of Trees


This article was removed after we were made aware that some of the information Dr. Adler provided is classified, and was supposed to be off the record. We apologize to the doctor, Vereserum, and the United States Government. We ask that readers who happened to see the article, immediately forget any and all details they might have remembered.

  • Abramo Chophouse Provides 20 tons of Burger To Expand “Meat and Greet” Program


We mistakenly identified the 20 tons of meat provided to the Meat and Greet program as “Burger”. Mr. Abramo points out that in fact, 20 tons of “Bob’s Perfect Burger Blend” was provided. He asserts that referring to the blend simply as burger is akin to calling a piece of wagyu beef, jerky. We have made the requested correction in the article.

We regret these and all future errors.

STORYLINE

Merchant’s Association Cancels Valentine’s Day Promotion Over “Inaccurate” Menehune Dolls

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After a day of protest and mountains of negative feedback, The Lahaina Merchant’s Association (LMA) has decided to end its controversial “Menehunny” Valentine’s Day giveaway. The LMA had been handing out dolls based on the mythological race of little people, the Menehune, for almost a week before deciding to end the promotion. With pink and black hair, a monkey-like appearance, and slogans like “Loving Lahaina” and “Be My Menehunny” emblazoned on the doll’s chest many had called the toys disrespectful to the Menehune legend. The LMA says they apologize for any ill will the dolls may have caused and hopes that everyone feels the spirit of aloha on Valentine’s Day.

Whether it’s from one the many statues around the islands, a children’s book, or a story from your tutu about the things they built before the first settlers arrived, most Hawaiians know about the legend of the Menehune. The mythological dwarves who live in the deep forests and secluded valleys are said to be great craftspeople. Many structures attributed to their construction skills still exist, and they are one of the most recognizable characters in Hawaiian folklore and that’s the problem.

“I don’t know what those things are but they’re not Menehune,” says one protester who wished to remain anonymous. “They look like monkeys that accidentally broke into a dye factory. The slogans across the chest are just the worst. The Menehune are a part of our tradition and history, for anyone to use them in some sort of marketing campaign is gross. What makes it worse is that this idea came from a group of businesses right here in Lahaina. They should know better.”

LMA chief strategist and anthropology minor at the University of Maui Lahaina College Ken Hekili says the toy design was not meant to be disrespectful. “A lot of thought and time went into the Menehunny dolls. Pink and black go together quite well, and the simian-like appearance is based in science and captures the upward trend right now for monkey toys. According to the profs in my 300 level classes, many islands in this part of the world had populations of small archaic humans. The “hobbits” on the island of Flores, Indonesia being one of the most famous. We tried to imagine what the Menehune would look like if they were a long lost part of our family tree and they were employed to promote Valentine’s Day in Lahaina. To be honest I thought we nailed it. Their outfits and slogans were exactly what we thought protohumans would be comfortable with wearing or saying for a marketing gig. Obviously, the public thought differently. We apologize for any anger our dolls may have caused.”

While many businesses remained quiet about the promotion owner of the famous Hula Noodle eatery, “Uncle” Ralph Umeke, says he understands the public’s reaction and hopes the LMA is more careful in the future. “Not all change is good, just ask the dinosaurs,” he adds.

“Everyone knows what a Menehune looks like. They’re an enduring part of our folklore. You wouldn’t go to Ireland and try to sell leprechaun dolls that looked like cockroaches. You wouldn’t decide one day that Santa’s Elves should really look like lizards from now on because you’re selling heating lamps. People like things the way they are. Everyone knows that a Menehune is a little smiling, pointy-eared guy wearing a traditional hat, not a pink striped monkey dude with a slogan on his chest. Not everything needs to be reinvented or used for a gimmick.”

While most of the backlash seemed to focus on the appearance of the dolls there are a handful of people who say that the Menehunny toys are closer to reality than the depictions common today. Some even say that the Menehune still exist in isolated pockets of the jungle. One such believer is Lahaina resident Randy Wilcox. Randy says he had an encounter with a real Menehune last year after an accident in his garage.

“I had just bought one of those portable Duracave 127 reactors, and I was working on it in the garage. In the last few years, we’ve added some serious lasers to the pyrotechnics at our backyard wrestling events. The problem was we kept blowing breakers, so I was hoping the new generator would give us the juice we needed. I’m rarely satisfied with running things stock so I was trying to amp up the output when the explosion happened. Now I’m no stranger to riding a pressure wave through the air but this felt different and when I landed in the brush there he was.

The color on the toys was wrong but he was definitely hairy. He told me that the world was going to end this year and that I should prepare myself accordingly. He gave me some tips on my wrestling costume saying I was more of an autumn and should focus on more orange fabrics. He started to give me a recipe for something called “survivor pie” but my head started to hurt so bad that I had to close my eyes. The next thing I remember is waking up to my aunt’s dog Minny licking my face. My family says that I was talking to Minny the whole time and I’m confused because of the concussion, but I know what I saw. Menehune are real, they’re hairy, and they have a great eye when it comes to costumes. I’ve never looked more vibrant in the ring.”

STORYLINE

15th Annual SSHAM Fest: A Day of Spicy-Salted-Goodness

Hawaii’s celebration of its favorite processed meat product turns 15 this year and just like SSHAM, it has only gotten better with age. Every year people from around the globe come to celebrate what started as an accident in the kitchen of Art Pua’a, and has turned into a food revolution. Front Street will be closed to traffic this Saturday and downtown will belong to lovers of “The meat of 1,000 uses.”

Top restaurants and a number of Hawaiian retailers will be on-hand to offer a variety of SSHAM related products and food. Two stages with free entertainment, and numerous special events throughout the day will keep everyone entertained. Last year, an estimated 65,000 people shared their love of shrimped-spiced-ham. There are no admission charges and the entertainment is free. A portion of all other proceeds will go to the Lahaina Watershed Alliance. The LWA works with private landowners around the preservation zone to extend protected areas and ensure clean clean water for residents, farms, and businesses. If it’s your first time or your 15th, we hope you come down and enjoy what local residents and visitors alike have made an annual tradition.

SSHAM Fest starts at 8am and ends with the lighted drone show over Lahaina Harbor at 11pm. Throughout the day, vendors will offer a variety of unique arts and crafts including: SSHAM soap, candles, cosmetics, and natural health/beauty products. Our SSHAM Slam stage offers local poets, musicians, and artists a chance to express their love of our canned meat and is open all day. “SSHAM stories are your stories,” and our Stories Stage is open to the public so you can tell the world what SSHAM means to you.

Ride around in style by renting one of Ano Lee’s SSHAM powered bikes, or just stop by to see how SSHAM might be the fuel of the future. Don’t worry about your camera. You can follow all the action and preserve every memory thanks to our SSHAM Cam sponsored by Glimpsea. There are a number of planned events throughout the day as well. This year’s schedule is as follows:

10:00am – Shrig Calling Contest: Art may say they don’t exist, but the rumors of shrimp-pig hybrids seems to persist. You can’t have a SSHAM celebration without its main ingredient. We don’t care if you snort, squeal, howl or gurgle just do it loud enough to entertain the crowd and judges.

12:00am – Sculpture contest: Competitors have all morning to carve, cut, mold, and sear a 90 pound block of SSHAM for our judge’s discerning eye. You won’t believe how life-like and intricate their works can be. All sculptures are donated to the Maui food bank at the end of the day.

2:00pm – Awarding of the SSHAM Can: Perhaps the most prestigious culinary prize in Hawaii, the SSHAM Can goes to the creator of the best SSHAM dish on the island. So far, that dish has always been Ralph Umeke’s SSHAM pho. He wants to add a 15th Can to his collection, but he has some stiff competition from the big island this year. Make sure and see if Uncle Ralph can extend his reign as the SSHAM cooking king.

4:00pm – SSHAM Eating Competition: After watching the culinary talents of some of the world’s best chefs, why not take a break and watch a group of the crazy-brave engulf SSHAM at a gut-busting speed. Will anyone beat Big Bob Abramo’s 13 can record? Stop by and see or enter the competition yourself and find out how many cans your stomach can stand.

6:00pm – Winner of SSHAM Science Fair Announced: Sponsored by Veilcorp, the science fair has become a highlight of the festival. With the help of their Veilcorp mentors, what these kids can create with SSHAM and some imagination is amazing. The company funds the top 5 projects every year, and provides scholarships to contestants to help cultivate the next generation of innovators. Previous winners include a cheap and consumable water filtration system, and a topical treatment that repels mosquitoes and other biting insects for 90 days.

Whether you want to see one of the competitions or just spend a day enjoying the sights and sounds, the festival is family-friendly and great for all ages. Don’t miss helping us celebrate 15 years of SSHAM love!

STORYLINE

Abramo “Meat Wagons” Serve Up Food and Controversy

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With torrential rains in the forecast for the rest of the week, and the unusually high king tides, the flooding that has submerged much of Maui is likely to continue for days to come. Hundreds of first responders and relief volunteers have been working hard to find those trapped or injured and distribute clean water, clothing, and medicine. Dozens of emergency food stations and mobile kitchens have followed to provide warm meals to victims and rescuers alike. Bob Abramo’s “Meat Wagons” are among the most popular, offering a variety of delicious meat based items and pre-packaged shredded pork dinners. While they’re a hit with flood victims and workers alike, many other food truck owners and emergency meal providers say that Abramo employees are spreading rumors and vandalizing their property. Some even accuse Abramo himself of using his government connections to interfere with their efforts and business.

In the past 72 hours, Kahului has seen over 30” of rain, almost twice the average annual rainfall. Coupled with a remarkably high tidal surge, the storms have flooded the area, causing hundreds of millions in damages and leaving an estimated 30,000+ without homes. Officials say that Kahului will likely be declared a disaster area, and the damage is already worse than the devastation that hurricane Neki left behind in 2047. Worse still, forecasters are predicting another foot of rain before it’s all over. For most, the only small respite in their day is a warm meal, and many are doing their best to provide those meals. One of the most preferred choices are the “Meat Wagons,” mobile extensions of the famous Abramo Chop House.

While they are a hit with flood victims, many other meal providers have lodged complaints over the trucks and Abramo himself. Harvey Poua, owner of a popular local sushi shop, says Abramo employees have been harassing his workers and spreading rumors about tainted fish. “They’re acting like bullies,” he says. “They’ll stand in line and talk about how our fish hasn’t been properly stored and how sick people have gotten eating it, then hand out directions to the nearest Meat Wagon. I’ve heard stories that they’ve actually blocked other food trucks in, keeping them from going where they need to go. I made an official complaint yesterday and this morning our trailer was mysteriously tampered with. I showed up with the day’s fish to find that someone had cut our condenser lines, so all the coolers were warm. A few minutes later a health inspector shows up for a surprise inspection, and now we’re closed down until I can prove our coolers are working again. This isn’t a game, I’m trying to feed people who just lost everything! From what I hear, I’m not the only food provider who’s found their property vandalized.”

Lahaina fixture and owner of the award winning Hula Noodle restaurant Ralph Umeke says he’s been the victim of tire slashing himself since arriving with his “Mobile Malasada” truck. “Bob actually called me and tried to talk me out of driving the truck to Kahului. He said, ‘There are already too many people trying to get a piece of the relief pie, and I like big slices of pie, Ralph.’ I explained that I just wanted to help out, since a lot of those people helped us after hurricane Neki, but he wouldn’t hear it and hung up on me. I didn’t think much of it at the time, but less than 24 hours later I found my tires slashed and one of the Meat Wagon drivers told me that, ‘Mr. Abramo thinks you should go home.’ What’s going on here is crazy. I don’t know what he’s thinking.”

For his part, Mr. Abramo denies that he, or any of hs employees, have broken any laws, but he admits to having a “competitive spirit” when it comes to his relief work. He says, “No matter what I get involved in, I like to win,” adding. “I’m going big in Kahului so all the others should just go home.” When pressed about the accusations of vandalism, threats, and surprise inspections Abramo said,

“You have to remember that things are in upheaval over there, and with chaos comes crime, I’m just thankful that none of my vehicles have been vandalised yet. Make no mistake, the relief business is still a business, and there’s going to be winners and losers. I’m not a loser. I think before this is all over, my Meat Wagons will have the highest customer satisfaction ratings and will have served more meals than any of those reheated tragedy-dinner peddlers. The truth of the matter is that one person is squealing the loudest right now, Poua. Harvey is just upset that his so called healthy meals lack the fats needed to keep people warm and energized through a long day of rescue work. After a hard day, your typical relief worker wants to bite into a big chunk of perfectly cooked meat and wipe the juices off their face, not nibble on a tiny piece of questionable fish. If I was Harvey I’d worry more about offering a proper portion size than what my competition may, or may not be doing.”

Mr Abramo had equally harsh words for Mr. Umeke and bristled at the idea that anyone involved with his business threatened the Hula Noodle owner.

“As far as Ralph Umeke goes, I’ve heard good things about his noodle shop, although it’s not really my thing. I’m sure there’s plenty of people who find boiling water and opening a seasoning pack too much trouble, but I’m not one of them. I was surprised to learn that he drove his Malasada truck to the area, but I don’t really consider him a serious competitor. His pastries may be edible, but they’re just empty calories. The Meat Wagons offer a variety of desserts that are both delicious and give you energy throughout the day. Our chocolate marrow cake, pork belly donuts, and foie gras bread pudding are much better choices for survivors than what Umeke is offering. I’m sorry that not everyone has the same hunger that I do. I also apologize that a few of our trucks may have blocked others due to unfortunate breakdowns, but I don’t regret trying to become the best food relief provider in Maui. Every disaster needs a winner and I intend on winning through taste, portion size, and gobbling up the competition.”

STORYLINE

Tourists Gobbling Up “Mouthful” Software

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Love him or hate him, if you spend any time in West Maui chances are you’ve heard meat-mogul and entrepreneur “Big” Bob Abramo. If you haven’t, you soon will. “Mouthful” a popular new voice app offers users the chance to replace the notifications and sounds on their electronic device with the voice of Bob Abramo. Tourists are eating it up despite complaints from many local business owners, making it one of the most popular apps on the island.

Free if you download the Abramo Chop House’s Customer Assistant AI (CRAIG), Mouthful allows users to hear the Lahaina fixture read you the news, give directions, report the weather, give grilling tips, and even tell jokes (of an adult nature). With almost 30% of visitors actively using Mouthful, Abramo seems to have another hit on his hands.

“Mr. Abramo has been the face of Lahaina for a long time. It’s just natural that he’s the voice now too,” says Abramo Holdings Manager Brandi Essen. She adds, “Forget Veilcorp, Eric Oeming, or the preservation zone when most people come to visit they think of Big Bob Abramo. The Lahaina Zipline Tour is the most popular outdoor attraction on the island, Big Bites stores provide a unique snacking experience for millions every year, and the Abramo Chop House is a destination eatery, serving the world’s finest grilled meats. Bob with a side of fun is the bread and butter of the Lahaina tourist industry. Mouthful offers visitors a chance to listen to one of the most trusted voices on the island, and have a few laughs along the way.”

While the app is a smash with tourists, having Bob’s signature voice and outlandish personality coming from your phone is not everyone’s taste. Critics say the app is vulgar and not representative of the true Aloha spirit of the islands. “Uncle” Ralph Umeke owner of the popular Hula Noodle has banned people using the app from eating in his restaurant.

“The face and voice of Lahaina? More like the belly and jowls. That thing is constantly telling dirty jokes and there isn’t any sort of built-in filter to clean it up. The only saving grace is the smacking noises and grunts it makes covers up a lot of the profanity. It’s as awful as its creator and just like him, it’s not allowed in my shop.”

Other’s are concerned about the image that Mouthful portrays about West Maui. Elizabeth Stonegate, HOA President of the exclusive Tanager Lane neighborhood, worries that the app “sends the wrong message about Lahaina”.

“It’s just the worst thing I’ve ever heard. I couldn’t believe my ears the first time someone was using it around me. I will admit that they cook a good steak at the Chop House, but it’s also the kind of place where you can get a drink served in a pineapple. That kind of kitschy nonsense is exactly what many of us have fought hard to change around here. I held an emergency meeting of the HOA board and thankfully we were able to ratify an immediate ban of Mouthful inside the walls of the neighborhood. Feel free to tailgate in your driveway, drinking bologna beer and listening to your vulgar figurehead if that’s the kind of life you want to live, but we have standards in Tanager Lane.”

Despite the criticism, Abramo says he lets Mouthful speak for itself, and doesn’t plan on changing the tone of the app. If anything he thinks it doesn’t go far enough.

“Mouthful is the cherry on top of the customer assistance sundae we began with CRAIG. The public loves honesty and that’s what they get with Mouthful, of course, it doesn’t hurt that it sounds like me. If you’re lost or looking for something to do in Lahaina you don’t want to have to wade through options and alerts, you want to cut straight to the beating heart of the matter. Help and advice have never sounded better. If you want the real scoop about life in Lahaina, information about shows and entertainment, or just want to get tips on how to avoid vegans Mouthful is for you.”

STORYLINE

Parks Department Using Squirrels To Help Keep Lahaina Parks Clean

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With the busy Winter season just around the corner, Lahaina is about to be flooded with tourists enjoying the beautiful parks and sandy beaches. However, the cleaning crews at the dozens of area parks will look a little different this year. Visitors will notice dozens of squirrels around these popular locations carrying cigarette butts and refuse, but the Parks Dept. doesn’t want you to worry. The squirrels aren’t another invasion of non-native species, and they’re not in any danger. They’re working.

Three dozen trained squirrels in all will be employed to keep Lahaina’s most beautiful areas trash-free, according to Mayor Albert Cravalho. “Our intention is to not just keep our parks clean, but to show that nature is one of the best teachers. If these small animals can be taught to clean up, we can certainly teach our children to be responsible stewards of the land, and maybe learn ourselves. Plus, the squirrels literally work for peanuts. So far, they’re just as good at cleaning up as their human counterparts, and it’s been a hit with the tourists.”

The brainchild of former DLNR officer Brandon Kama, the squirrels come from his animal sanctuary and rehab non-profit “Creature Comfort.” With the help of the public, and donated veil travel from Veilcorp, Kama says he has been able to save over a thousand animals in the past three years. While Creature Comfort focuses on returning animals to the wild whenever possible, often the animals Brandon takes in are too hurt, or lack the ability to fend for themselves. Most of these animals are used for therapy purposes, but Kama says he noticed something about the squirrels living at the facility. “Whenever we took the squirrels out, they’d grab anything they could off the ground, and that gave me an idea.”

“Not many people know this, but squirrels are amazingly easy to train. You can even teach them to use a litter box if you keep them inside. People have trained animals to do all sorts of things over the years. They’ve taught monkeys to search for landmines, and Chinese fishermen have used cormorants instead of nets for centuries. I didn’t see why you couldn’t teach a squirrel to pick up a cigarette butt. I started off with the ones most food driven, and let their natural instincts be part of the training.”

Working in teams of twelve, Kama’s bushy-tailed cleaning crews have been trained with the help of an automated food bin. The squirrels receive a food pellet or treat each time they deposit a small piece of trash, or discarded cigarette end. Kama says it takes one of the squirrel teams about an hour to clean up a five acre area. “Sometimes you run into something that’s too big for the squirrels, and you have to toss it in the bin yourself, but for the most part you don’t have to do anything but wait. You don’t even need to pack up the squirrels if your next location is nearby. They’re so focused on the bin that they will follow it wherever it’s wheeled.”

However, many have complained in the past few months that Kama’s squirrels don’t always stay where they are supposed to, and that some have developed a taste for the nicotine in the discarded cigarettes they collect. In an open letter to the Lahaina Advertiser, one frequent park visitor said in part,

“…..I tend to avoid the parks in the morning now since I find the squirrels to be overly aggressive until they’ve found a few butts to chew on. I’ve seen them steal unattended packs off of picnic tables, and follow around smokers, chittering angrily until they can get a square of their own….I’m just thankful that they weren’t trained to seek out old beer cans, and liquor bottles, or by the end of the day, the park would be filled with belligerent drunk squirrels falling out of trees.”

There have been a handful of cases involving squirrels that have wandered out of the parks as well. In addition to worries about escaped squirrels starting a breeding population on Maui, the rodents can cause serious damage to buildings, and the island’s electrical infrastructure. Hula Noodle owner “Uncle” Ralph Umeke has had his own run-in with Kama’s cleaning crew, and thinks the program should be cancelled.

“I get that tourists get a kick out of seeing a tree rat pick up garbage, but Hawaii has had enough trouble with invasive species. This Kama guy does a terrible job at keeping these things under control, and it’s already cost me plenty. For weeks we could hear the damn little things crawling on the roof during lunch. I called to complain, and they came out , apologized and promised to not let it happen anymore, but a few days later we heard them running around again. About that time, I’d occasionally catch a whiff of cigarettes in the restaurant, usually in the morning. I assumed it was one of the kids I hired to bus tables sneaking a smoke. They denied it, but it was the only thing that made sense to me. Then one day a big storm came through, and I found out where the smell was coming from. I noticed part of the ceiling began to drip brownish water, and before I could get a bucket out in the dining room, a section of the ceiling caved in. Over a hundred pounds of wet cigarette butts poured out. The squirrels had chewed a hole in the building, and had been storing cigarettes in the roof space. Cigarette butts haven’t been, and never will be, one of the many delicious condiments you can get for your noodles here. This squirrel thing is the pits, and needs to be shut down.”

STORYLINE

Man Attempts To Break Longest Noodle Record To Fight Hunger

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Food insecurity is a big problem in Hawaii, that Lahaina resident Ralph Umeke plans on fighting with a giant noodle. Partnering with Veilcorp, Umeke will attempt to break the world’s record for the longest handmade noodle, in an event to bring awareness to the problem, and raise money for food pantries across the island.

According to the Department of Human Services (DHS), over 16% of Hawaiian households have difficulty during the year providing for all their members due to lack of resources. That is a statistic that Umeke, owner of the famous “Hula Noodle” eatery, finds troubling.

“I think it’s a shame, disgraceful really, that even in paradise, over a quarter million people aren’t sure where their next meal is coming from. We live in an amazing time. People can travel to any destination in the world in a matter of seconds, we have the ability to genetically engineer plants and animals like never before, but we still haven’t figured out how to make sure kids aren’t going to bed on an empty stomach. I had no idea the problem was this bad until a few months ago, but I’m doing everything I can to raise awareness and work towards a solution. That’s what this event is about. Showing everyone that they can make a difference using whatever skills and resources they have. I know noodles, and with the help of my Veilcorp partners; I’m going to make the longest one the world has ever seen.”

Hundreds of food insecure families will be the guests of honor for the event this weekend, hosted by Veilcorp. Umeke will attempt to create, by hand, one continuous noodle over 1.25 miles long (2,000 meters). If successful, the noodle will be served to the guests of honor and a number of special donors. There will be food, music, games, and information on how to help struggling households for the general public as well.

“When Uncle Ralph asks you to help, you can’t say no,” says Veilcorps VP of Special Projects Brie Howard. “The statistics about food insecurity in Hawaii are heart-wrenching. We are honored that a fixture of the Lahaina community like Mr. Umeke would ask us to help raise awareness to such an important issue. Whether he’s helping to keep our beaches clean by teaching kids the importance of recycling, or making sure that everyone has food and water after the devastation of hurricane Neki, Ralph Umeke is always striving to make the world a better place. We share those ideals at Veilcorp, and are thrilled that we were asked to be part of this record breaking event.”

Umeke says he’s confident that his attempt will be successful, “I actually make more noodles on a busy Saturday. The only issue I see is not letting it break, but I’ve been making noodles for over 40 years. At this point my hands just know what to do. I’m pretty sure that I’ll break the record.”

Ralph’s confidence might be in part due to a high-tech ace up his sleeve. Long-time friend and fellow Lahaina resident Ano Lee says the pair have been preparing for weeks using a virtual reality training system.

“I know that he is serious about this issue because he’s letting me talk to you. I’ve never known Uncle Ralph to be scared of anything, but he is terrified that someone is going to ask to take his picture while he’s wearing the rig I built. It may look a little funny, but it is really amazing. The Noodle Simulator’s helmet syncs up with the wearer’s ceremplant, the vest and boots measure subtle body movements, the wristbands track the hands, and all the data is fed and recorded into the belt. We have simulations that account for environmental factors like high humidity, wind, and rain, anything that might affect the strength of a noodle. He’s done great in the practice runs so far, so I’m sure everything will go smoothly this weekend. We’ve collected so much useful data that I think we could train someone to be the next Uncle Ralph by simplifying the system and hooking them up. Not that I ever would of course. I think he’s prepared for anything that could come his way at this point.”

Umeke says he appreciates the outpouring of support for the cause. “This wouldn’t be possible without the help of Veilcorp, the volunteers, DHS, and yes, Ano and his crazy noodle simulator. I appreciate everyone’s help, but I want to make sure that nothing overshadows the reason we’re all coming together. I’m going to make a noodle over a mile long, but we all have miles of work left to do. We need to ensure that our friends and neighbors don’t have to worry about something as simple as a meal.”