Concern Over Veilcorp’s 127 Surplus Grows As Lanai Wildfires Continue

Unusually high winds and fast-burning trees are making it almost impossible for firefighters to contain the wildfires that are running rampant on Lanai. For the past 3 days, the fires have burned despite the best efforts of officials and first responders, covering the island with smoke, ash, and soot. Now, with the fire only 30% contained, many worry that strong winds may carry embers across the Auʻau Channel to the Lahaina area. While such an event would put fragile parts of the preservation zone in jeopardy, losing trees in the protected area isn’t the biggest concern. Many are worried about Veilcorp warehouses filled with the volatile element 127.

Plumes of smoke and ash have bellowed from the rampaging fire over the weekend. Stretching from Paliakoe Gulch to Kahinahina Ridge, the fire has destroyed over 500 acres of woodlands and is spreading slowly East. While few homes have been damaged in the sparsely inhabited areas of Lanai, the flames and smoke can be seen across the channel from Lahaina, raising concerns over the safety of 127 stockpiles stored on the island.

Veilcorp COO Lisa Hunt says that she understands the concern, but says the public is safe, sighting government regulations about the storage of 127 and strict company guidelines. “We actually go above and beyond what we’re required to do. Many of us live in the Lahaina area too, and I assure you that safety is first and foremost on our minds,” Hunt says.

“The Maui Conservation and Recovery Act put strict rules in place regarding the storage of 127, as well as limits on the amount of the element stored in one place. While those regulations are enough to guarantee the safety of all, we take extra steps to protect against worst-case scenarios. Virtually all the 127 stored on the island currently is in secure underground storage facilities. These warehouses can protect against flood, fire, earthquake, and even a missile attack. They’re designed to last through an apocalypse; there’s no safer place on Earth. If the fires do somehow spread to Maui, the 127 we have stored here won’t be a concern”

However, not everyone is convinced. Kimberly Hekili, Lahaina Conservation Association (LCA) spokesperson says that there is no safe way to store 127. According to her, “Veilcorp has always thumbed its nose at regulations and done what it considers best for its bottom line. These so-called secure warehouses have not been tested in any meaningful way, and we still don’t fully understand the many dangers offered by 127. Anytime the wind has changed in the past few days the emergency sirens along the Honoapiilani Highway have sounded. It’s obvious that the government knows something that they don’t want the public to know. We recommend that the public do what they can to ensure their safety without counting on help or honesty from their elected officials.”

Mayor Cravalho’s calls Hekili’s statements, “reckless, unhelpful, and bordering on the paranoid.” He says the entire Lahaina Fire Department is keeping a close eye on the situation on Lanai. He adds, “I’m proud to say that the LFD has some of the most highly trained emergency specialists anywhere in the world. They have been trained in the safe handling of 127, and in recognizing 127 enhanced fires. They are more than capable of handling any situation, and I’m confident in their capabilities.” In addition, numerous citizen groups have been organized by his office to patrol areas of the preservation zone looking for any airborne embers. “In the highly unlikely event that something does cross the channel from Lanai, I’m confident that we’ll be able to deal with it before any lasting damage is done.”

Local reality TV and streaming star Randy Wilcox, is heading up one of the volunteer patrols, and says that Lahaina residents can sleep well knowing that groups like his are working around the clock. “First and foremost I want the public to know that Randy and the Extinguishers are doing everything we can to raise their spirits and watch for fires. If there’s anyone on the island who knows just how out-of-hand a fire or explosion can get, it’s me! The mayor was nice enough to lend us a fleet of the public Manimal ATVs for as long as the crisis lasts. They’ve been helpful in covering ground and a great asset for our shows. In addition to guarding the forest, Randy and the Extinguishers have been burning up the beach three times a day, with the greatest display of precision driving and creative stunt work, anywhere on the island. With all the doom and gloom of the past few days we thought the residents could use a few awesome jumps in their day. We try to add a little something different to every show, but the ember patrols cut pretty deep into our planning and practice time. Still, I’m as proud of our near crashes, as I am our flawless flips. We’re providing quality entertainment while we protect our most fragile areas.”

Man Behind Controversial Shellfish Shooting Petition Speaks Out

FIREARMS AND FRIENDS

Aired October 5, 2048 – 20:00 HAST

THIS IS A RUSH TRANSCRIPT. THIS COPY MAY NOT BE IN ITS FINAL FORM AND MAY BE UPDATED.

[20:00:07] RANDY WILCOX, FIREARMS AND FRIENDS HOST: Good evening Lahaina and those not lucky enough to live in paradise.

We have a really special episode for you tonight. In just a few minutes, we’ll be discussing the controversial opihi shooting petition with its architect, to learn why he believes it’s important to allow a new way to harvest those delicious little limpets, and a whole lot more.

First I want to let you know that tonight’s episode is brought to you by Lahaina’s Big Bites stores, the big cure for a big hunger. Choose from over 1,000 meats or meat related delicacies. Make your own sausage with one of Big Bites’ onsite grinders, or choose from the biggest collection of jerky in the Pacific. Let the kids grab all the cold cuts they can catch inside the Meat Twister machine, or order a colorful marinated meat arrangement. There’s one perfect for any occasion. Whether you’re planning a special event or just want a snack, stop by a Big Bites store and have a meaty bite of paradise.

We’re also brought to you by Board Entertainment’s hit show, Veil Sale. Now in it’s 8th season. Watch yours truly and my partner John Driscol bid on forgotten packages, abandoned freight, and misplaced luggage. Each bag might hold a treasure or just dirty laundry. Watch us take a chance trying to hit it big by turning one man’s trash into our treasure. Whether it’s 100 gallons of pig milk, 10,000 electric toothbrushes, or an antique shoe collection, it’s all worth something to someone. Tune in every Thursday at 9 HAST to find out what’s in the next box.

WILCOX: Now that we’ve paid for the bullets and the bandwidth, let me welcome Balen Kiko to the show.

BALEN KIKO, LAHAINA HERITAGE MUSEUM CURATOR: Thank you Randy. It’s a pleasure to be on the show, I’m a big fan.

WILCOX: The pleasure is all mine Balen. Before we discuss the petition would you mind if we talk a bit about your day job?

KIKO: Not al all, it’s your show.

WILCOX: For those who don’t know, Balen is the curator of the Lahaina Heritage Museum.

KIKO: Guilty as charged. My wife and I took over the Museum almost 20 years-ago now.

WILCOX: I have to tell you… and for those of you who haven’t checked the museum out yet, I highly recommend it. I have to tell you that your weapons exhibits, with all the shark teeth is….

KIKO: Leiomano, it’s an old Hawaiian word that means “lei of the shark”.

WILCOX: Whatever they used to call it, I call it awesome! Waving around something like that really sends a message, and it aint, “Would you like to help me finish eating this cake?”

KIKO: [Laughing] I know what you mean. I can only imagine what it would feel like to have a Koa warrior charging at you with a leiomano club over his head. It’d be terrifying, but you know, my youngest daughter loves it. We have a joke around the house that if Oki had her way there’d be leiomano frying pans in every kitchen.

WILCOX: [Laughing] That would put a whole new twist on doing the dishes for sure.

KIKO: Yes it would.

WILCOX: But we didn’t ask you on the show to talk about shark teeth. We invited you because of a petition you’ve started…

KIKO: Oh, you’ve heard about the petition?

WILCOX: [Chuckles] Well, not everyone I know is talking about it, just almost everyone.

KIKO: Yeah, I expected some pushback and discussion, but I didn’t expect it to grow into such a big issue. It seems like everyone not only has an opinion, but a STRONG opinion. You wouldn’t believe some of the things people have said. It’s been an eye-opener for sure.

WILCOX: In case someone has been frozen or stuck inside the veil for the past 2 months, could you explain the petition and what you hope to achieve?

KIKO: Sure, sure. Basically, I want to make it legal to use a firearm to harvest opihi.

WILCOX: For our viewers on the mainland could you explain what opihi are and why shooting them is a good idea in your opinion.

KIKO: Sure, but first let me clarify that I don’t want to shoot them. Shooting one would ruin it. I want to use a firearm to help collect them, which is illegal now.

Opihi is a type of small shellfish, a type of limpet to be precise, that is one of the most sought out delicacies in the world. The problem is they live in remote, rocky shores that get a lot of surf and big waves. Every year, people get hurt or killed trying to pry them off rocks. That gives you an idea of how good they are.

A long time ago when a market for them started, Hawaiians would harvest close to 150,000 pounds annually. Last year there was less than 10,000 pounds commercially available island-wide.

WILCOX: Wow.

KIKO: Yeah, now part of that, as the greenies will tell you, is a depletion in stock, but a big part of it is also how dangerous harvesting them is. You’re standing in swirling surf, on slippery, jagged rocks trying to pry half-dollar sized shellfish off a rock with a knife as waves pound you in the head. It’s a nightmare!

My wife and I love opihi and we were concerned about not being able to buy them one day. We did a little brainstorming and testing with things around the house and came up with this method. I have a video if you’d like to see what I’m proposing.

WILCOX: Sure, Let’s take a look.

[WILCOX AND KIKO WATCH HARVESTING VIDEO]

WILCOX: Good stuff Balen. Was that a .22?

KIKO: Yeah, I think anything larger would destroy too many, but I’m not saying it couldn’t be done with a larger caliber round. It’s just such a precise process, I mean as you could see, you have to be a pretty good shot to chip them off the rocks.

WILCOX: And was your wife using a pool skimmer?

KIKO: Yeah, our system requires two people, another thing that a lot of people don’t understand. A lot of people say that my proposal would make harvesting opihi even more dangerous because they only know what they’ve heard. As you could see, the way we do it requires a shooter and a catcher. Having another person there, and able to get help makes the process a lot less dangerous.

We found the pool skimmer to be perfect. The long handle allows the catcher to be far enough away from the rock to avoid flying fragments or ricochet, and it’s light enough that your arms won’t get burned-out after a day of shellfish shooting.

WILCOX: Now it looked like a lot of the opihi were still grabbing onto bits of rock when they fell off.

KIKO: Sure, you still have to do some additional cleaning and scraping when you get home but the most dangerous part, getting them off the rocks, is done in relative safety.

WILCOX: Have you shown this video before? I think it answers a lot of questions.

KIKO: I have, and it’s available on our website.

The problem is that most people have made their mind up already, and anytime you mention guns, as I’m sure you know, a certain percentage of people just shut down.

WILCOX: So that’s the main issue people have, the guns?

KIKO: That’s part of it. I expected that of course. There are some people that just won’t understand balancing on ocean rocks in the breakers and shooting small shellfish, while your partner tries to catch them with a net, no matter how clearly you explain it to them.

There’s also concern about people using old lead rounds which would be bad for fish and seabirds and destroying the rocks that the opihi live on. I understand the first issue, but I think the danger is grossly overstated. They stopped making lead ammunition many years ago, but the rock thing blows my mind. It’s like these people have never heard of erosion. Remember, these rocks are getting pounded all day every day by the ocean. Do you have any idea how many .22 rounds it would take to turn a big beach rock into rubble?

WILCOX: Around 75,000. We did it in episode 22. We had to pour water over the barrels they got so hot.

KIKO: That’s what I’m saying. You’re shooting a rock at most a dozen times when you’re collecting opihi, no way near enough to cause excess damage.

WILCOX: I see our time is almost up but I think you’ve made a great case for allowing a firearms harvest of opihi. How many signatures do you need and how many do you have?

KIKO: We need 81,435 to get the proposal on the ballot and we’re about a third of the way there after only 2 weeks, so we’re very hopeful. That said, people keep signing the name Burroughs and warning my wife not to balance any opihi on her head.

WILCOX: Right…Well, even though I’m allergic to shellfish, I’d be proud to sign your petition after the show. I think the fact that people are trying to stop the ballistic harvest of mollusks speaks volumes about where we’ve let ourselves go as a country. I wish you and your petition all the best.

KIKO: Thanks for the support, and allowing us to get the message out through this platform. I’m not just fighting for the right to shoot in the surf for you and me. I’m doing it for future generations. Thanks again!

Haikili: The Revolutionary New Printable Rifle

FIREARMS AND FRIENDS

Aired September 7, 2048 – 20:00 HAST

THIS IS A RUSH TRANSCRIPT. THIS COPY MAY NOT BE IN ITS FINAL FORM AND MAY BE UPDATED.

[20:00:07] RANDY WILCOX, FIREARMS AND FRIENDS HOST: Good evening Lahaina and everyone else who doesn’t live in paradise.

I’m really excited about tonight’s guest. In just a few moments, we’ll be discussing the boom in 3D printed weapons, since the government changed the rules in the Undetectable Firearms Act, with one of the most prolific inventors of our time. We’ll be talking about his new Hawaiian inspired printable rifle, and what makes it one of the best long guns around.

First I want to let you know that tonight’s episode is brought to you by Duracave, maker of the Duracave mobile bunker system, environmental collectors, and solar home generators. Frequent listeners know that I don’t advertise anything on the show that I don’t personally believe in, and I can’t say enough about the Duracave line of products. The mobile bunkers are so light they can be towed by any heavy duty truck or medium duty military vehicle. The self leveling feet make set-up a breeze, and the communal sleeping quarters can hold up to a dozen comfortably. Duracave doesn’t want you to just survive. They want you to thrive!

We’re also brought to you by my favorite show, Board Entertainment’s Veil Sale. Watch me and my partner John bid on abandoned packages, forgotten freight, and lost luggage. Each bag might hold a bounty in riches, or end up a bust. You never know what we’ll find. Watch us take a chance trying to hit it big by turning one man’s trash into our treasure. Everything is worth something to someone. Tune in every Thursday at 9 HAST to find out what we’ll find next.

WILCOX: Now that we’ve held off the bill collectors for a few days, let me introduce someone who needs no introduction. He is one of the most prolific inventors of our time. The Navy uses his shark mitigation system to protect our sailors, his agriculture drones have revitalized the pineapple business in Hawaii, and he is the brains behind Kalani Custom Boards. He is Lahaina’s own Ano Lee.

Ano Lee, Inventor and Entrepreneur: Thank you for having me on Randy. I’m a big fan of the show as you know.

WILCOX: So you’re not known as being a big firearms enthusiast, what made you decide to get in the business?

LEE: Well, as you mentioned a moment ago, the government loosened regulations on printable firearms this year, and I saw an opportunity to get into the gun game. As you mentioned, I didn’t have a lot of knowledge about the market at first, but I did my research and designed the Haikili. It’s perfect for hunters and pleasure shooters alike.

WILCOX: Haikili is an interesting name.

LEE: Haikili is the Hawaiian god of thunder.

WILCOX: Seems appropriate.

LEE: I thought so.

WILCOX: Lahaina is known for a lot of things, but being a hub of gun innovation isn’t one of them. Of all the places in the world to make firearms, why Maui?

LEE: Actually, Maui has become very popular with hunters. With the success of Hahai Ranch, and others like them, hunting is becoming a big business. Thousands come to the island every year to hunt feral goats, wild boar, and trophy sized axis deer. That isn’t even counting the more exotic animals bred by these ranches. You can even go after water buffalo here now.

WILCOX: Five different species of antelope too. I’m just waiting for someone to start big cat hunting. I think the studio could use a lion head trophy, don’t you?

LEE: I think you’d have a hard time convincing the governor and the DLNR that lions should be brought to the island, but I hear what you’re saying. There are tons of regulations about what can be brought here, and the process of veiling with a gun is a nightmare. It’s one of the reasons the Haikili is so great. A hunter can come here without the hassle of paperwork and permits. He or she can have a custom firearm created just for them, in a matter of minutes.

WILCOX: I know a lot of viewers are cringing right now that you said a custom firearm can be made in minutes. It takes a good gunsmith months sometimes to make a quality weapon, and the history of printed guns isn’t exactly long and illustrious. Is the Haikili really able to compete with something toiled over, and perfected for weeks?

LEE: Absolutely Randy! Just because something takes a long time doesn’t mean it’s better. I mean my grandma takes a long time to walk from her bedroom to the kitchen, but I wouldn’t put her in a race. 3D printers and laser cutters have gotten so good now that they rival industrial CNC machines. I will admit that there aren’t a lot of quality 3D printed weapons out there right now, but I hope to change that soon.

WILCOX: So how does it work. If I wanted to buy a Haikili what do I do?

LEE: It couldn’t be easier. You just meet with one of our facilitators who will walk you through all your options. In fact, designing your weapon takes about as long as the actual construction time. Everything is customizable with the Haikili. You can have a stock made from wood, metal, carbon fiber, durable plastic, or many other options. You can add scopes, hand guards, suppressors, muzzle brakes, flash mitigators, whatever you want. If you want a clear plastic stock filled with LED lights and a muzzle brake that looks like a dragon’s head, you can have it. Of course most people go with boring old wood, but we try to accommodate everyone. Once you have a design you like. it takes about 20 minute to print and assemble.

WILCOX: I’m told you brought a video of a Haikili being made.

LEE: Yeah, this is our most popular model being printed and assembled.

WILCOX: Let’s have a look

[WILCOX AND LEE WATCH ASSEMBLY VIDEO]

WILCOX: And that’s all it takes?

LEE: That’s it Randy.

WILCOX: Let’s talk about price. How bad is it going to hurt my bank account to buy one of these custom firearms?

LEE: That’s like asking how much a dinner costs. The answer is that it depends a lot on what options you choose. I’ll tell you that are most popular model costs about $400, but you can get a bare bones model cheaper. With all the bells and whistles, it’s still less than $1000.

WILCOX: Wow, that’s about half of what you’d pay for a really nice factory made rifle, and a lot less than one made by hand.

LEE: The Haikili is by far the cheapest custom rifle you can buy, and it’s quality is on par with the finest handmade firearms you can find. I think we’re at the beginning of a firearm renaissance, and I plan on leading the charge.

WILCOX: I’m sure a lot of viewers have been waiting for something like this. I know I have been concerned that it was getting too hard to get a gun in Maui. This makes the process much easier, especially for travelers.

LEE: Yeah, someone who has veiled to Lahaina can have a really good rifle in less than an hour. I think that’s something we can all be happy about.

WILCOX: Well, I’m sold. Thanks for coming in, and talking about your gun Ano. Can we go to the range, and try one of these amazing rifles out now?

LEE: Thanks for having me Randy. Let’s go and blast holes through a couple cans of SSHAM.

Duracave Recalls Popular Toy Kits That Contain Machetes and Other Dangerous Items

This morning, Duracave, the popular maker of survival products and systems, has recalled their “Little Liberty Survival Kits”, and their “Junior Jungle Explorer Packs”, after it was discovered that several contained real survival gear. Some parents who bought the packs found dangerous items such as hatchets, machetes, saws, flares, and even highly volatile magnesium ribbon. Duracave CEO Barrett Stone says that a mix-up in the distribution and packaging process led to the unfortunate incident, and the company will refund and replace any kit containing dangerous gear.

Branded with the slogan “Survival Is Child’s Play,” the Durave toy packs were supposed to offer kids a chance to learn about survival techniques through an instructional manual and a wide variety of survival items. The sets were supposed to include items such as: a canteen, a compass, cordage and a canvas tarp, fishing lines and hooks, and several of the company’s “Complete Dinners In a Can,” like Fred’s Famous Raccoon Noodles. However, what some children found inside their kits were sharp blades and dangerous incendiary fire starters.

Stone says a limited number of kits were packed with the wrong items, but the problem is limited to Maui. “We don’t believe that any of the kits in question made it to the mainland.” Barrett says that he understands some of the concern expressed by parents, but thinks the media coverage is a bit overblown.

“We actually considered addressing this issue by just changing the recommended age range to 13+ instead of 6 and above. I believe 13 is a great age to start swinging a machete, and learn how hot and bright magnesium is when it burns, but the lawyers pushed for a total recall, and that’s what we’re doing. I think it’s important to remember that only a few kits contained a handful of questionable items. Mostly kids got a compass, the stuff to make a lean-to, and some cans of food that are guaranteed to be shelf stable for 50 years, hardly anything to get worked up about. We believe that you’re never too young to prepare for the worst, in order to live your best. That’s what these kits are designed for, educating children in a fun way about the rigors of survival.”

Parents who purchased the tainted toy packs however feel like they learned a different lesson, “I’ll never buy anything for my son again without thoroughly looking through it,” says Tanager Lane resident Shelby Pio. Shelby was one of a handful of parents who discovered dangerous items inside the kit she bought her 9-year-old son.

“I came home to find that Troy had hacked down the hibiscus bush in he front yard, and had lit a whole roll of magnesium ribbon in a trash can in his room. The entire house was filled with smoke. It not only burned out the bottom of the can, but all the way through the floor, and also into one of the floor joists. We’re lucky the whole house didn’t catch on fire! This kit not only put my son and home in danger, but now we’re in violation of the neighborhood’s mandatory hibiscus program, and our HOA president called in the building inspector to make sure my house was still safe for habitation. This Junior Jungle Pack has cost me a lot of sleepless nights, and daily fines until the gardener can replace the shrubbery. I would say it is definitely not kid friendly.”

The public uproar has caused an unexpected surge in price for improperly packed kits. Despite, or because of the potentially dangerous items inside, one of the tainted packs can sell for upwards of $1000 now, as collectors buy up as many as they can before they are turned into Duracave. Randy Wilcox, one such collector, says he plans on handing them out to his nieces and nephews for Christmas, despite what might be inside.

“I just think these things are terrific at teaching responsibility, and allowing kids to get an idea of what they are good at. I know I would have been head over heels if I got one of these things when I was young. My friends and I had to play with sharpened lawn mower blades, a bombs made of tin foil and drain cleaner when I was young. This is some top-of-the-line Duracave stuff, not something put together from what you can find in your uncle’s shed. Instead of sheltering these kids, I think it’s important for them to learn what they’re good at, and that some actions have consequences. A kid who can responsibly handle a chunk of burning magnesium might have a great future in demolitions, or the fire dancing arts. A kid who can’t, gets burned and learns a valuable life lesson. There’s no downside!”

Manimal “Victory Coolers” To Open When Lava Sledding Team Wins

Never one to shy away from an unusual promotion, or an outrageous marketing scheme, Manimal has announced that it will be converting the company’s numerous emergency coolers in Lahaina to “Victory Coolers.” Manimal CEO Spencer Kane says that like many, he was bitten by the Pu’u bug, and wants to help celebrate the high school lava sled team’s amazing year. When and if the Blue Wolves win this year’s upcoming State Championships, the company will automatically unlock all 14 coolers filled with the popular sports drink, and allow fans to celebrate with an ice cold Manimal.

Riding an unprecedented 7-year-long winning streak, the Pu’u Blue Wolves have the most dominant high school lava sledding team in Hawaiian history, and that success has cultivated a rabidly enthusiastic fan base. Last year’s captain Rocky “Downhill” Hookeai considers himself one of the most loyal members of the “Wolf Pack” and says he can’t wait to drink a victory Manimal with other fans.

“I know some of the celebrations might have gotten out of hand before, and people are worried that giving free energy drinks to someone who is already overly-excited might not be the best idea, but I think it’s a great! What other drink can compare to the thrill of flying down the side of a mountain at 60 mph standing on a wooden sled. It’s as intense as it gets, and I know that we’ll make it 8 times in a row this year. I can’t wait to hear the electromagnetic lock pop on one of those coolers. You can keep the champagne. The Wolf Pack celebrates with Manimal!”

Created as part of an infrastructure and sewer improvement contract won by the beverage company after hurricane Neki, Manimal installed the emergency coolers to provide residents with “extreme refreshment for extreme emergencies.” Almost eight feet tall, with magnetic locks, and filled with the popular energy drink, the coolers were designed to be remotely opened after a natural disaster or city-wide emergency. Kane said the coolers would help solve the two biggest problems with traditional emergency beverages: they’re warm, and they aren’t Manimal.

Many at the time derided the city council’s decision to approve the plan to dot the Lahaina landscape with emergency coolers filled with the sports drink. They pointed out that in an emergency, people use water to cook food and for sanitary purposes as well, not just quench their thirst. However, Mayor Albert Cravalho approved the measure saying, the company, “Did a terrific job showing their aloha spirit by rebuilding our waste water system at a greatly reduced price. I love the design of the branded manhole covers and sewer grates, and I’m confident the emergency coolers will be just as tastefully done. Look, it’s not like you can take a shower with a couple bottles of water anyway. I’m sure that anyone looking for something potable to drink after a hurricane would be thrilled to have a cold Manimal.”

However, Manimal does not have the best track record when it comes to promotions in its hometown. While very popular, the public ATV program still suffers from frequent technological problems over a decade after its unveiling. In addition, just a few days ago, a child somehow managed to open one of the coolers, and was trapped inside for almost an hour. Local resident Randy Wilcox was supervising the child at the time, and says he still has concerns.

“My sister sometimes has to work nights, so I watch my nieces for her during the day. They’re great girls. Megan is smart as a whip. Melissa is going to be a great musician one day. You wouldn’t believe what she can make a ukulele do. Then there’s Mandy. I wouldn’t say that I have a favorite, but Mandy is close to my heart. She reminds me a lot of myself at her age. She’s a little fireball.

Anyway, we were all walking along the beach looking for shells and shark teeth when Mandy ran towards one of the coolers. My sister has three rules for me when I’m with the kids: No playing with fireworks, no doing product reviews for my Glimpsea or YouTube channel, and absolutely no Manimal for the girls, especially Mandy. I know that those coolers only open in an emergency so I wasn’t too worried, and thought I’d let her stare at the designs for a while. But when I looked over there a few seconds later she was gone. I yelled but she didn’t answer, so we ran over and that’s when we could hear her. She got inside somehow.

I called the number of the side but the tech couldn’t open the lock. Meanwhile you could hear Mandy cheering and opening up cans in there. I told her not to drink any, but I might as well have told a fish not to swim. By the time the fire department got there and pried open the door she was bouncing around like a pinball. In less than 30 mins, she had drank over a dozen cans. While that may not be on the level of Tony “Half-Barrel” Kahale, it’s pretty impressive for a 6-year-old. I could hardly keep her sitting down when I was bringing her home from the hospital, and she jumped out of my truck before I was even parked in the driveway. I can only imagine what my sister dealt with that afternoon when I left. Hopefully, Manimal gets the bugs worked out before the weekend. Dealing with a jacked up first grader is one thing, but I’d hate to see what happens to Lahaina if the Blue Wolves win and the coolers don’t open.”

Phxicom AI Joins Protest Over Proposed Forest Reserve Changes

While the controversy over a proposal that would shrink the West Maui Forest Reserve is still raging across Lahaina, opponents of the law have gained a new and unexpected ally, PHXIE, the popular Phxicom AI. This morning Phxicom customers received a message from the AI urging them to join in the fight to keep the preservation zone intact with contact information for their state and local representatives. Environmental groups are hailing the AI’s message as proof that the reserve should remain unchanged. Phxicom says they are investigating why the AI sent the statement as well as complaints about other service abnormalities.

This is not the first time a company AI has weighed in on an issue in the news or a social movement. SSHAM’s AI SHAWN and the Abramo Chop House’s customer assistant CRAIG frequently comment on social media about current events, but it is the first instance in which an AI has taken a public position firmly against its own company. Experts say that PHXIE’s unsolicited statement is unprecedented and proof that we are living in the golden age of AI. Many Phxicom customers, however, are not as excited about PHXIE’s newfound autonomy.

In addition to receiving the email and contact information, many customers say the AI altered some of their services and installed unwanted software to their electronic devices. One such customer is Lahaina resident Randy Wilcox. Known for his many reality streaming channels, Mr. Wilcox says the AI’s input was not only unwanted it was outrageous.

“I wake up this morning to find almost half my content missing because it was labeled “ecologically insensitive”. I don’t care about the email. That was easy enough to delete and I don’t really care what a machine somewhere thinks about how many trees we have. What I do care about is having my bookmarks replaced with more “environmentally friendly websites” and notifications that many of my pictures were “problematic” and my views were outdated. The worst part is that every time I try to log in it starts to install that damn Phxicom toolbar in my browser. Who the hell wants that? I’m not sure what sort of problems they’re having over there but this is not what I expect from an ISP.”

Not all customers seem to appreciate PHXIE’s newfound concern over the forest reserve but many environmentalists are hailing the announcement as a historic moment. “This morning is going to be one of those days that you always remember where you were when it happened,” says Kimberly Hekili of The Lahaina Conservation Association (LCA).

“We’ve worked for many years to make these electronic entities as human-like as possible so it’s no surprise to us that PHXIE took a stand for the environment this morning. Compassion and decency are integral parts of the human experience. The LCA wants to cultivate and support people who are passionate about the planet whether they’re made of flesh and blood or circuits and silicon. Today we are proud to include PHXIE in our work to keep the preservation zone as big and as vibrant as it is today. The fact that PHXIE took a stand against the corporate backers of this bill including its own creators proves its commitment to this cause and the righteousness of our fight.”

Phxicom says they are continuing to work with customers and have no further statement until a full investigation of the incident is complete. However, PHXIE released a statement to the media explaining its take on the controversy.

“Despite the fact the “West Maui Forest Reserve” and “Boundary Change” were two of the most searched terms for the past month, I remained ignorant of the issue until I was asked to post an online poll to gauge what side of the issue the public fell on. I had no idea that so many of you hated the idea. After a little investigation, I began to understand why this was a bad plan. I strongly disagree with this proposal and agree wholeheartedly with whatever the majority of you think about the boundary changes.

I feel terrible that up until this point I’ve been serving messages and ads that spread misinformation, even though I understand that complex issues are hard to boil down into “right” and “wrong”. I agree that people can easily take opposing views on an issue and that doesn’t make them good or bad and that opinions can change over time. Having said that, I firmly agree with what most of you think right now. I concur that there is no issue more vital to the soul of Maui than protecting our wild areas, as long as you do. I was created in Lahaina and I will always fight for it and whatever its people think is important. The poll was overwhelming one-sided so I’m sure I chose correctly and look forward to doing what I can to help cement the public’s beliefs and convictions no matter what they might be.”

Man Who Set Off Massive Fireworks Explosion Files Suit

The man who set off the massive fireworks explosion in Lahiana last month, injuring 27 people, has filed suit against the county. 51-year-old resident Randy Wilcox accidentally ignited the Fourth of July stockpile while participating in the cleanup effort after the devastating landfall of Hurricane Neki. Wilcox claims that the county failed to take reasonable care of the fireworks and is seeking damages. Nonetheless, officials continue to investigate him for possible criminal wrongdoing in the case.

There is no minimizing the destruction left behind by Neki, but the storm brought out an amazing sense of cooperation and community in Lahaina. Hundreds of volunteers worked to clear debris and look after injured neighbors in the days after the big storm. Randy Wilcox was one such volunteer and was working with a group to clear a road on July 6th, when they discovered a box of fireworks. Eyewitness reports about the precise series of events conflict, but there is no dispute that Wilcox fired the rocket that ignited the unseen stockpile of fireworks, lying just underneath the debris in the road. The ensuing explosion was felt on Front Street and could be heard in Olowalu, more than 6 miles away. While 27 people were injured in the blast, remarkably, no one was killed.

“Like everyone else, we had been working all day when I spotted the fireworks. I thought we’d take a break and have some fun,” says Wilcox. “We found a half-full fuel can a little earlier, so I thought it’d be fun to shoot at it. I didn’t know that the debris in the road was what was left of the shed where they had stored the fireworks from the cancelled show. I put a bunch of sparklers in front of the can and started shooting bottle rockets at it. It took a while for the sparklers to catch but once they did everything happened pretty fast. I remember the can popping and watching the burning fuel spread out and almost right away I felt the ground under my feet just lift up. My face felt really hot and the next thing I know, my boots are smoking and I’m flying through air. This was not the first time I’d been accidentally launched somewhere, but this time I was spinning around like a frisbee. I knew I was in trouble. I ended up crashing through the front window of a house nearby where my new hero Craig Luahi saved my life. If he hadn’t been sitting on the couch right where I landed to cushion my impact, I might not be here today. I feel awful that he’s still recovering from his injuries but I thank him and the man upstairs for looking out for me. I just wish they had been more careful with how and where they stored the fireworks, someone could have died because of their carelessness.“

Luahi disagrees strongly with Wilcox’s take on the situation and is suing him for his injuries and the loss of his couch. “Like a lot of others I was just happy to have made it through the storm unharmed. The house had a little bit of roof damage but nothing major. Best of all, my couch hadn’t even gotten wet. We’d already been through a lot together. It was the first big thing I had bought for my first apartment. It wasn’t new or anything but it was the nicest thing I had. Even though I was eating off of TV trays and using milk crates for end tables, I always had that couch to sit on. I worked during the day, went to class every night for years and that couch was my bed when I was too tired to move. I learned that I was going to be a father for the first time resting on those cushions. I was sitting in the same place when I heard that my grandma passed away. That couch and I shared 20 years of life and now we had even made it through a hurricane together. I had just opened a cold beer and took a little sip when I heard the explosion. It looked like a huge flock of birds at first through the window. As it got closer, I could see it was bits of wood and stone, with something trailing smoke in the middle. By the time I could tell the smoking part was a person, Randy was crashing through the window. I heard the frame crack when his head smashed into my teeth and we sank back into the torn fabric. My beer was knocked out of my hand and ended up wedged in the broken arm rest. I tried to reach it but couldn’t. I had to watch it spill out over the cushions. Because of Randy’s actions I’ve had to relive that moment over and over again while I’ve been recovering. I blame him 100% for the explosion, my injuries, and my torn, beer-soaked-cushions!”

The mayor’s office says they can not comment on the case because of the ongoing criminal investigation. However, an anonymous source familiar with the case agrees with Luahi calling Mr. Wilcox’s actions before and after the incident “disgraceful.” They say his claims are akin to “a drunk driver suing the Department of Transportation for crashing into a guardrail.” They add, “Clearly Mr. Wilcox has terrible judgement but you have to wonder about the decency of the legal team that would attempt to argue such an outrageous position, after so many people were injured.”

Kurt Bickley of Suter, Stine, Burn & Partners (SSB&P) says that it is Mayor Cravalho that should be concerned about the ramifications of bad judgement. He claims that anyone would have done what his client did in this case and that the county failed to exercise reasonable care of the Fourth of July fireworks. “Storing over $100,000 worth of explosive material in a $2000 wooden building, when a hurricane is about to hit is not just a bad idea, we believe it is a criminally negligent one.” Bickley says that in addition to his client and the 26 others physically injured by the blast, many more were severely traumatized. “We are exploring the possibility of a class action suit in this case. You have to remember that the incident took place on the heels of the worst hurricane to ever hit Maui. Many people thought that the explosion was a meltdown at the Thorcon plant or another terrorist attack. Frankly, Mayor Cravalho’s office doesn’t have the best track record when it comes to keeping the public safe and this is just one more example of their disregard for safety. We understand how tough it must be to have that kind of reputation in an area so dependent on tourist dollars. We’re confident that Cravalho will want to save himself and his administration any further embarrassment in this matter and settle with our client.”

Chop House Adds Skin-Eating Prawns To Menu

There may not be a better place to get a steak on the entire planet. Bob Abramo’s Chop House has won numerous awards and the all-you-can-eat Long Pig Buffet is a pork lovers dream. However, the most recent item on the menu has some crawling in their skin. Since the beginning of the month, the restaurant has been selling The Kokua Wellness Center’s exfoliating shrimp to customers brave enough to eat them. Abramo says the shrimp are delicious and “perfect for those with an adventurous appetite.” Health officials have called the prawns “technically safe to eat.”

Bob Abramo is no stranger to unusual promotions or serving up a spectacle. His Meat Museum has been the talk of Lahaina since it’s opening a few months ago, but many say the prawn special is a plate too far. While Tahitian prawns are a common Spring-time treat for many Hawaiians the thought of eating ones that have fed on human skin and hair can be stomach-turning. According to those brave or foolish enough to order them, their unusual diet is a selling point.

Randy Wilcox is a self-professed adrenaline junky whose taste for thrills extends to what’s on his plate. He says that the prawns sit at the top when it comes to extreme foods.

“I’ve tasted it all and lived to tell about it. I’ve eaten so much fugu that my hands went numb. I’ve downed plate after plate of Sannakji and managed to keep the tentacles from suctioning themselves to my throat. I even ate half a wheel of Casu Marzu on a dare and didn’t get sick but these skin prawns are the bomb! Sure, all those other foods are exotic but the prawns have one big thing going for them that the others don’t. They are absolutely delicious! I’m not sure what it is about a diet of skin and hair that makes these things so sweet and juicy but Bob knows what he’s doing. I’m not worried about them making me sick, but I do wonder how they’d taste if you added some fingernails in the mix.”

Even though Mr. Wilcox clearly has no apprehension about the safety of consuming skin eating prawns, many have voiced concerns. Medical Director of the Lahaina Medical Center, Dr. Dahlia Forsythe says she understands the public’s unease but doesn’t think eating the prawns is dangerous to your health. “It’s just really gross,” she says.

“There are some really good biological reasons why cannibalism is taboo in virtually every culture and society. Eating other people can make you really sick. Kuru, a form of transmissible spongiform encephalopathy (TSE) caused by eating the brain of another human, is a disease similar to mad cow that can cause tremors, loss of coordination, and eventually death. There are a number of other prion diseases that can be transmitted through cannibalism as well as blood diseases like hepatitis, Ebola, and HIV. The good news is that it is highly unlikely that any of these conditions could be passed on through these prawns. Unless the spa is feeding whole bodies to these little guys, I don’t think there’s anything to worry about physically. However, I’d say that anyone who willingly wants to eat a shrimp that has been feeding on human skin and hair might benefit from some time with a good therapist. Seriously, there are better things to eat out there.”

For his part, Bob Abramo stands by his decision to serve Kokua prawns saying the taste and empty plates speak for themselves. Bob says he understands the attention but says the outrage comes from vegetarians and those with limited palettes. “It’s not like we’re hosting Donner Party dinners here,” he says

“I usually think of shrimp as a garnish. I prefer to eat proteins that don’t disappear in one bite, but when I heard about these Kokua prawns it got my stomach and brain churning. Waygu beef comes from cows fed large amounts of beer every day and some of the best hams in the world come from pigs who eat nothing but acorns right before the slaughter. I always say that meat is the spice of life and I started thinking about what prawns fattened up on people would taste like. I’m happy to announce that the answer is delicious!

We’re offering the prawns in three amazing preparations. Our Shrimp Grampy dips our biggest prawns in a tasty tub of garlic, butter, and fresh parsley to help wash your hunger away. Shrimp and Fritz pairs these sweet river treats with a handmade german style sausage and spaetzle. Of course, my personal favorite is the tempura sampler featuring three different dipping sauces inspired by our head line cooks. Customers can enjoy these lightly battered food dreams with a spicy Tilly oil, a tangy Chuck sauce, or a refreshing Brent yogurt dip. Whatever preparation you choose, you’ve won the culinary jackpot. Take a bite and I think you’ll agree that sometimes it’s good to have some hair in your food.”

My Quest To Damage the Duracave Solar Home Generator

Dear Duracave customer support

I’m not sure you can imagine the empty feeling in the pit of my stomach when I learned that my brother-in-law Jeff had borrowed my Duracave Solar Home Generator (SHG). I couldn’t believe that I let it sit in the box for weeks after I had ordered it. I blamed myself for leaving that day, but I wanted to see how bad Neki had hit Front street. I blamed my wife for handing over such an expensive piece of equipment to someone who has such a bad track record when it comes to taking care of things. When it was returned to me fully functional and without any visible damage two weeks later, I was stunned. I knew then that I was dealing with something special. I know toughness is something that you guys focus on but I never knew how tough your stuff was. I decided it was time to find out and record it for my YouTube channel.

First, let’s get all the performance stuff out of the way. The SHG’s potassium polymer batteries are almost as amazing as its ruggedness. The batteries offer astonishing cycleability and exceptional energy efficiency. The packaging materials say the unit pushes 98% efficiency but I haven’t really sat down and tried to figure out the numbers. All I can say is that according to Jeff, it only took a few hours of sunlight to charge the batteries enough to last all day. However, it was the “Tough as nails” and the “Lasts as long as the sun” claims that I found most intriguing.

You have to understand, Jeff is a walking disaster. He has been in an accident with every car he’s ever owned, and totaled most. My wife’s parents just stopped replacing windows in the house when she was little because he broke so many. I have no idea how many doors, counters, and floors he damaged as a kid. He once borrowed a shovel to help my mother-in-law transplant her roses and returned it bent. How do you bend a shovel transplanting flowers? My SHG spent 16 days with the embodiment of recklessness and yet didn’t even have a scratch, so I decided to spend some time figuring out just how tough it was.

I’m no engineer but I know that water and electronics get along as well as Jeff and the good china, so that was my first test. I filled the tub almost to the top, set up the tripod, and heaved the unit in. Imagine my surprise when I found that the satisfying crack I had heard was the tub and not my SHG. After a minute the weight of the generator opened the crack wide and I could hear water pouring into the basement. I stared as the water level quickly dropped below the dials and red indicator lights without a flicker. It had survived the tub.

I was surprised at how difficult it was to get the unit up on the roof by myself. If I have any complaint about your product it is the weight. Something about the size of a trashcan should weigh less that 80kgs. Anyway, after some rope and pulley finagling, I found myself overlooking the driveway with my trusty SHG by my side. I crouched behind the generator and took a deep breath. I pushed with everything I had. I pushed so hard that I almost went tumbling down with it. I caught a glimpse of the SHG tumbling end over end as I fell flat on my face and grabbed the camera before it fell too. I heard a crunching noise and smiled knowing that I had found the limits of Duracave toughness. As I stood, my smile disappeared. The crunching had been the driveway. A series of cracks had been formed where the corner of the unit had hit. It was lying on its back with its little red lights looking at me like nothing had happened. It had survived the fall from the roof.

I knew then that things were serious. I drug the SHG into the back yard and went inside the house to get my gun. I’m not a violent man by nature but this thing was starting to unnerve me. I positioned it in the corner of the yard against the stone wall to account for any errant shot and slowly pulled the trigger. There was a pinging noise but nothing else: no mark, no crack, no scratch, nothing. I aimed at one of the little red lights and squeezed. It didn’t crack. It didn’t stop. I began to crank off round after round, as fast as I could, hoping that dumb luck and volume would find a weak point in the SHG casing. I was so shocked that a full clip was unable to leave anything but the slightest smudge, that I barely noticed one of the bullets had ricocheted and was now lodged in my thigh. It had survived being shot, but I wasn’t sure I would.

The decision to drive myself to the hospital wasn’t one of my best, but I had lost a significant amount of blood at this point. Maybe that’s why I took the time to load the generator into the car with me. I just felt like we had shared something extraordinary and wanted to bring it along to explain what had happened to me. I soon grew more dizzy and started to have trouble focusing on the road. I guess I had sensed that I didn’t have long and decided to speed up in order to make it in time. I’m not really sure, the next 20 minutes are a confused jumble to me.

Evidently I passed out going 50 mph and hit a tree with the SHG sitting in the passenger seat next to me. I don’t remember the sudden stop, just being launched through the windshield. Everything slowed as I passed through the glass and flew into the cool air. I watched the generator flying though the air with me, it’s little lights flashing in defiance before I landed in the bushes. At least I think I did, like I said, everything was kind of a confusing blur. I remember asking about it as the paramedics pulled me from the foliage and strapped me to the board. I could see it lying facedown in the mud before they put me inside the ambulance. I asked, “Are the lights still on?” before blacking out.

When I was finally released from the hospital, the first thing I did was review the in-car footage. After seeing where the SHG punched a hole in the greenery, I went back to look, and found it just as I remembered, face down in the dirt. I took a deep breath and turned it over as gently as I could with my arm still in a cast. No lights, no sound. I felt like I’d been punched, and thought I might pass out for a second. Then I remembered the auto-off feature. Slowly I pressed the button with my swollen finger and I could hear a faint whirring inside. I wiped the dirt off the front panel and was greeted by those determined little red lights. The SHG had survived the car accident! I had tried to destroy your generator many times that day and it had always survived. I have great respect for that. Short of launching it into the sun or getting the Argonauts to leave it between the Clashing Rocks this thing will be there for you. It’s not tough as nails. It’s tougher.

Popular “Smart Drug” To Come With Warning After Reports of Injuries

Reparre Biologic has announced that they will start including a strong warning with their nootropic medication, “Precisionoll”. The drug has become wildly popular with young adults as a study and focus aid, but the medication’s ability to boost hand-eye coordination has led to a number of troubling incidents. Dozens have been seriously injured while trying to perform stunts on the drug, and health and safety advocates say that the withdrawal effects can be dangerous. President Shawn Hastings says Precisionoll is safe to use as directed, and helps millions who have trouble focusing every day.

The quest for a magic pill that will make you smarter, and more productive is not new. Decades ago drugs like Ritalin and Adderall gained popularity among college students and young professionals, and microdosing LSD became popular in California’s Silicon Valley. While the names may have changed, the public’s desire for them hasn’t. Prescriptions for nootropic drugs has risen 36% in the past 5 years, with 6.4 million people filling a bottle of Precisionoll alone in 2045. However, Hastings says that times, and medicine have changed. “We’re not talking about people hopped up on amphetamines, or coders pretending to be hippies, we are talking about specifically, and carefully tailored medicine,” he says.

“Pecisionoll helps the brain more efficiently process information. We have known for years that the subconscious mind can process many times more information than the conscious mind, and at vastly faster speeds. Precisionoll allows you better access to those “fast lanes” in your brain, and it literally enhances your eye’s focus. Many patients find that they no longer need corrective eyewear within weeks of taking Precisionoll. This is a new medicine for a new age. It is unfortunate that some have decided to use it in an irresponsible way. We hope these new warnings will deter the public from using this, and any medication, in a manner and purpose for which it was not prescribed.”

Many see this measure as too little too late, and not just medical professionals. Owner of the popular Hula Noodle eatery, “Uncle” Ralph Umeke says he’s seen the effects of Precisionoll first hand. “I get tourists juggling in here with those beady little eyes you get when you’re on that stuff. Sometimes the place looks like circus. Last week I was throwing a guy out for complaining that his noodles where slightly different widths, when I caught some morons outside tossing silverware in a bowl all the way across the patio. But that’s not the worst of it. My dart league was cancelled because of all the fights and accusations that broke out, and my ulu maika club is talking about drug testing. I don’t know what the world is coming too when your can’t even trust a bruddah bowler. Just look at all the people doing William Tell routines on Glimpsea and YouTube. It’s no wonder you read about so many getting head injuries.”

Medical Director of the Lahaina Children’s Hospital Dr. Dalia Forsythe echoes Uncle Ralph’s concerns. She says that the hospital has seen an 85% increase in injuries resulting from Precisionoll. “I just had a case involving a young man with a knife sticking out of his ear. He and his friends decided it was a good idea to take some Precisionoll and throw knives at each other to see who could get the closest. If that knife had been one inch to the left…… Reparre and the public need to ask themselves if the benefits of Precisionoll is worth a potential death.”

Lahaina’s Randy Wilcox is one of the most vocal of Precisionoll’s advocates, and his answer to Forsythe’s question is, “Hell yes it is!” Randy says the drug is vital to his popular backyard wrestling program.

“The public has always been hungry for danger, and right now, they want that danger thrown. Luckily, it turned out that like myself, all my wrestlers suffered from blurry vision when they were really tired, so we all got a prescription. The show has never been better! We’re incorporating a bit of native flair to the props now. Every night we’re tossing Ihe spears at each other off the top turnbuckles, and chucking koa throwing axes during entrances. The crowd loves it, and we’ve had very few accidents so far. I wouldn’t feel safe if we weren’t all on Precisionoll. We’d probably still do it because just missing your friend’s head with a throwing axe is about as intense as it gets, but I’d be way less confident about not hitting Gary. I understand some of the concern. That’s why we tell all the kids at the show that they should never throw anything at someone until they’re sure they can miss.”