Glimpsea Expands “Lahaina View” Project

The Hawaiian Department of Land and Natural Resources announced today that they would be joining the County of Maui and Glimpsea in their Lahaina View Project. Started last year, the program’s goal is to provide a live view of all of Lahaina through a network of cameras 24/7.

For the past year, Glimpsea has deployed its Comprehensive Aloha Security Helper Camera System (CASH) across large portions of Lahaina under the supervision of Mayor Cravalho’s office. Using a number of security cameras, the project currently covers most of Front Street and portions of the beach. The inclusion of the DLNR and their preservation zone drones will expand the program to a much larger area, but Vice President Simon Ike says that’s just the beginning.

“We’re really excited about the DLNR’s decision. Including their drones is a win-win situation for everyone. In addition to expanding our coverage in Lahaina, the drones can zero in on specific areas or tourists. It’s like having a professional camera crew following you around while you’re on vacation. As part of the agreement, we’ve provided the DLNR with a number of our mite-cams to be used in their tagging programs. We are hopeful that the shots provided by these banded birds will help conservation efforts and allow those interested an intimate view of the day to day affairs of Lahaina’s wildlife.”

While the new agreement will offer some exciting new areas of coverage, Lahaina is large. A handful of drones and birds won’t cover a significant range of the island. Ike says he is hopeful that the public can help the project reach its goal by downloading Glimpsea’s new app.

“The reality is that this new partnership will offer some interesting shots but we’re going to need the public’s help if we’re going to get a complete view of Lahaina. We encourage everyone who is interested to get our app and join the program. If you own any of our products currently: security cams, drones, 360 cams, or mite-cams, the app will be included in your next update. For those not using our products, our app is compatible with most drones, phones, and dash cams. If it has a lens and you bought it in the last 10 years, you can be part of the team. All you have to do is provide the make and model number and hit “Accept”. I’m confident that we will reach our goal of total Lahaina coverage by the end of the year. Soon, people from all over the world will be able to see, and in many cases hear, just how beautiful this place is in real time.”

The Lahaina View project is not without its detractors of course. Many worry about privacy issues and the network being hacked. Some feel that the program goes against the sense of freedom and peace that many visit the island to experience. “How are you supposed to relax on the beach if you know some creep could be sitting in his basement somewhere in the world staring at you?” asks Lauryn Krie, a tourist visiting from Detroit. Local activist Kevin Morrow has different concerns.

I cautioned everyone about the radio tower but nobody would listen. Now we have ziplines attached all over the place and you can’t walk near one without hearing someone drop an F-bomb. I’ve been trying to track the increase in profanity since the swear tower went up, but it’s been hard because there wasn’t a lot of airborne obscenity before the ziplines. I think it’s safe to say you are 100% more likely to hear cursing from above since my warnings went unheeded. I hope it’s not too late for this video thing. Tourists routinely swear on the beach and Front Street. I don’t think it’s a stretch to imagine children who are now hooked on profanity flipping through the audio enabled views looking for a fix. Words aren’t just noises that we make with air through the holes in our faces, they are ideas and some ideas are bad. The Lahaina View project is a very bad idea.”

Lahaina Ancestor Exhibit Misses the Mark

For weeks I’d been hearing about how wonderful the ancestors exhibit was at the museum so I decided to finally check it out for myself. I moved to Lahaina over 4 years ago and have completely embraced the way of life and culture. I’ve never lived someplace that felt so perfect before. I couldn’t wait to see the artifacts and learn more about my adopted people. To put it bluntly, what I found inside was horrifying. Instead of uplifting a proud and ecologically responsible culture, I was exposed to a hit job of the grossest kind.

First, let me address the elephant in the room. Let’s talk about the shark teeth. They are tied, wedged, and jammed into a majority of the “artifacts”. Did I mention that most of the artifacts are really weapons? There are shark teeth clubs, daggers, and things that I don’t even know what they are. I was surprised that the gratuitous amount of teeth didn’t spill over into other parts of the museum. I fully expected to find shark-toothed pens or bookmarks in the gift shop.

I’m not saying that these items might not have been occasionally used in the past, just that this dental damnation of the Hawaiian people was offensive. I’m not sure why we as a community would support this sort of thing.

I had heard that tiki idols were used at one time to revere ancestors but that was before pens and paper. It’s hardly the Hawaiian people’s fault that they used these grotesques at one point before they had the technology to write down, “Grandpa Joe is a really great guy!”

Hula skirts were nowhere to be seen except the gift shop. Are we really to believe that the early explorers brought dance and clothing to Hawaii? The same held true for leis. I guess the islanders couldn’t string a bunch of flowers together either until the big boats showed up.

After a few minutes of looking around at this Polynesian minstrel show, my hands began to shake with anger and I had to leave. I thought about what I’d seen all day and decided that I should warn everyone thinking of going to the exhibit and to help the “experts” at the museum with their next “celebration of Hawaiian culture and history.” Here it goes.

Real Hawaiians don’t drink out of hollowed-out pineapples and coconuts. Pineapples aren’t even indigenous to the islands. We enjoy our adult beverages in glasses with LED lighting like everyone else. We don’t put on flip-flops and walk down to the beach to play our ukuleles. We wear rubbah slippers and listen to the house band at the resort. I’d never wear a shirt that combined flowers with cars or animals. True Hawaiian shirts have flowers, various plants, and maybe surfboards. That’s it. Anything else is cultural appropriation. Our free time is not spent watching the spam sculpture competition at the fair. We eat musubi and spicy spam sushi rolls.

The Hawaii I’ve come to know and love is about beautiful beaches, the bounty of nature, and buffets. When we have a problem we go down to the local beach bar, watch the surfers, and talk it out over chi-chi’s. We don’t rip open bellies with the tooth-encrusted handguards on our bone punch-daggers when we have a disagreement. I’m no historian but I think we as a people, and certainly our children, deserve better than what is on display now. Let’s forget the past and work together to frame a better narrative moving forward.

Reality Machine Recipes: Hikeway tactical backpack

Hikeway Tactical Backpack
Average Customer rating: 3.5/5
Description:
6 x 14 x 18 inches. 1.5 kg in weight. Capacity 30L. Assembles in minutes. Power fabric makes it easy to wirelessly charge electrical devices. Snap hubs make attaching Hikeway solar panels a breeze. Water resistant, anti-wrinkle, anti-scratch with multi-buckle design for customizable fit. Anti-theft zippers with large secondary pouches. Insulated main compartment keeps drinks cool.
3 areas of thick padding for comfort, breathability and maximum back support while traveling. Dark colors and low profile provides night cover and smaller silhouette. This backpack is perfect for weekend trips, short night excursions, or for a sleek look when heading to the office or school.

Recent User Reviews

5/5 Definitely Worth the Time and Effort.

By Thatwalkingguy on August 11, 2048
“First RM recipe I’ve tried and couldn’t be more pleased! Easy and quick to put together as advertised. Zippers and buckles all work well and seem to be constructed well. One of the most comfortable backpacks I own. Insulated pouch kept my Manimal cold after 2 hours of hiking. Haven’t tried attaching solar panels but the fabric itself was sufficient to keep my phone charged. Being a tactical pack it’s not for long trips but is perfect for a day or two alone in the wilderness. I would definitely try out other Hikeway recipes!”

2 /5 No Substitutes?
By craftgal on July 14, 2048
“Tried to substitute materials like I have done MANY times before with other projects but wasn’t allowed to. WTF!! I just wanted to make the body out of glass so I could see inside. With the see-through craze going on now I can’t imagine why this isn’t allowed. I should be able to have a glass backpack if I want. LAME!!!!!!”

3 /5 Hikeway Doesn’t Know What Words Mean
By HarryG on August 3, 2048
“Tried out this recipe for a specific trip with the guys. It was very easy to put together and felt comfortable on my back. Chose this model for its size and claims of water resistance. We were taking a 3 day canoeing trip so weight and water were definitely going to be an issue. Packed my usual camping gear and included an old tablet filled with all the great buddy canoeing movies I could think of. First night was fine. Nobody could stop talking about the movie from the previous night. One of my buddies was arguing with me about why I’d show a certain movie because he doesn’t understand theme trips. While I was trying to explain to him that nobody was going to have to squeal on this trip if I had anything to say about it, the canoe flipped and into the river I went, pack and all.

I got out of the river ok but it took a while to find my backpack. It was trapped against a rock and had the river pushing against it for almost an hour before we found it. We made camp to let me dry off and I discovered the inner pouch was full of water. The tablet was ruined so we had to spend the rest of the trip talking or listening to the sounds of the woods at night instead of watching my theme movies.

Water resistant means that something is resistant to water to me. Whether it be a light rain, a spilled bottle of water, or a river pumping thousands of gallons a minute this bag should have kept the water out. I would suggest the official description make note of exactly how much water is too much so others aren’t duped like I was.”

5/5 Everything Promised and More
By Megand on August 2, 2048
“Good product easy to put together. Very Comfortable. No problems, exactly what I’ve come to expect from Hikeway.”

4 /5 Good Product
By tritun on July 2, 2048
“Good recipe. Easy to make and lightweight. Wish it came in different colors. Would build again.”

3 /5 Keep the Sponsored “Suggestions” To Yourselves!
By harshner on July 21, 2048

“I find it hilarious that there is a blatant ad in the product description. The rules clearly state that descriptions should be concise, and void of advertisements. Unless you’re in charge of multiple devices or trying to power something big there is no need for you to buy one of Hikeway’s overpriced solar panels. Even if you did need more power, I don’t know why you’d use ancient solar technology instead of paying a few dollars more for a kinetic charger. It’s like this bag is marketed to cavemen or something instead of people who know anything about the technology of the past 10 years. If you’re going to try to slip an ad in, please make it for something a modern person would actually want.”

4 /5 Good Product Terrible Support
By user8 on August 17, 2048
“Was raised by my grandfather and learned a lot from him. He’d take me hiking all the time up by his cabin. His favorite spot was a few days hike to a little lake called Cloud Lake nestled in the mountains. I learned about life, love, and about what it takes to be a responsible adult coming down that trail. He never expected to be raising another kid during his retirement and I never expected to be in the situation I was.

He never complained once and I never felt like I wasn’t wanted or cared for. It could have gone really bad, but it didn’t thanks to him. When he passed and I learned that his last wishes were to have his ashes spread over the shores of Cloud Lake I didn’t hesitate. The truth is I owed him much more than carrying him one last time to the place we loved, but it was a start.

As others have said the pack was really easy to put together and was very comfortable. I have zero issues with this backpack itself. The only thing that would have protected his urn from the fall I took is a metal case. I’m not upset that when I opened the bag I found his ashes all over. I did the best I could and spread what I could gather up inside the bag but I evidently didn’t get all of it.

A few days later I found the copy of The Count of Monte Cristo he had given me in the bag. I didn’t think much of it and put it back on the shelf, but that was just the beginning. The next day the bag was on my bed and the book was inside again. I live alone and this was starting to freak me out. I put the book on the shelf again and threw the bag in my trunk. The next morning the backpack was sitting on my passenger seat.

I knew what had happened. Some of grandpa is still in the bag and he wants me to bring him to the lake. The problem is the bag looks clean to me. I called Hikeway multiple times now but they just put me on hold or in one case, hung up and laughed. This is not a laughing matter to me. I have a beautifully made bag that is haunted now and I can’t get anyone from the company to give me a solution. If you’re looking for a company that stands behind their products no matter what, look someplace else!”

2 /5 Bad Attitudes and False Allegations!
By dadface on July 3, 2048
“I’m not sure what anti-theft zippers are but my toddler seems to be able to use them and he’s not a master thief! I’m surprised that these kind of allegations would make it through your marketing department. This is NOT how you treat a customer!”

5/5 Good Project For the Whole Family
BY craftB on July 11, 2048
“Easy to build, great product perfect for day trips with the kids.”

4 /5 No Complaints
By anonymous on July 23, 2048
“Light weight and durable as advertised.”

5/5 Perfect for Day Trips
By Happycamper on August 7, 2048
“Power fabric works great and can power my wife and I’s devices. Good for easy to moderate hiking. One of the best recipes I’ve tried.”

2 /5 You Need To be an Engineer To Use This Thing!
By gertyF on August 28, 2048
“Takes too much time to build, I’m not an idoit!!!!!

3 /5 Too Small
By longweekend on July 19, 2048
“Not big enough for a serious hiker.”

2 /5 Black but Not Cool!
By DaddyOh on July 11, 2048
“My stepdaughter is going through a black period right now. Her hair’s black. Her lips and nails are black. Her clothes are black, even her shoes. The music coming out of her room sounds like a combination of a cat wailing and a funeral dirge. When I asked her what was going on she said that she was sick of being my cookie cutter perfect daughter and wanted to be able to express herself and be unique. All of her friends act and dress the same.

They make me drop them off a few blocks before every destination so they won’t have to be seen with me. I’m trying, I really am. I just don’t understand why someone would look at the rosy hue of a young girl’s cheek and say, “You know what would look good there? A silver skull piercing.” I’m baffled as to why that piercing would be so expensive.

She refuses to use the school bag I got her last year and with the amount I’m paying for little silver skulls and all things dark, I was looking to save a little money. When I saw this Hikeway bag I thought I had the perfect solution. I could print out the pieces and build it myself so it would be cheap. It was black just like everything she loves. It had an insulated pouch to keep drinks cold because suburban suffering is thirsty work. I couldn’t have been more wrong.

She screamed that I didn’t understand her, that the bag was anything but cool because of something about the buckles, and that I’m always trying to buy her love. If you are going to have something that looks cool but actually isn’t there should be some sort of warning. It’s hard enough being a parent without keeping track of what makes a bag cool or not. It’s Hikeway’s job to let consumers know things like this and they dropped the ball big time.”

5/5 Would buy Again
By Daughteroh on July 12, 2048
“A++ Would buy again. Leave me alone, you’re not even my real dad.”

Maui Councilman Embroiled in Trash Scandal

To say that I was stunned by the news this morning is an understatement. Hearing that for the past few months our trash has been traveling to parts unknown because you’ve made a deal with a company that hasn’t been properly vetted is unacceptable. I’m trying very hard to believe that you were ignorant of the details, but that pill is getting harder to swallow by the minute. You’re just lucky that Veilcorp hasn’t weighed in yet. I can promise you that they will not be happy if you drag them into this mess. If my office is going to stay ahead of this thing I need you to start coming up with answers, because I have a lot of questions and the people need to believe that they can trust their mayor.

When you became chairman of The Solid Waste Resource Advisory Committee I had heard that you had a reputation of cutting corners. I had no idea how deep you were willing to cut. You’ve single-handedly thrown away all the goodwill we gained in the past 6 months. We are rebuilding Lahaina and the trust of its people. We survived hurricane Neki but I’m not sure we’ll make it through this unnatural disaster.

What were you thinking? I understand that there was a lot of refuse that needed to be disposed of after the storm, but you can’t possibly have thought that veiling tons of trash to war-torn areas was going to receive massive public support. Please don’t try and convince me that you weren’t even a little concerned about where the garbage was going. I’m having a hard time believing you didn’t know that you were selling it to one of those recycling cartels after seeing their bid was a third of the next highest. To be honest, the fact that you did it under my nose tells me almost everything I need to know.

I’m sure you know what these cartels do. They force people with no other options to sort through mountains of muck to find the more valuable pieces of filth. These people are involved in some really dark stuff. At some point you must have watched or read a report about the kinds of things these groups are bankrolling. Almost as bad, many of these groups end up dumping the trash they can’t use offshore or just leave it and move on to another area. It’s a human rights and ecological disaster. I had no plans to run a reelection commercial featuring war orphans shouting with joy because they found a bit of copper in a barrel of garbage, or a dolphin wearing a plastic “Lahaina Zipline Tours” bag like a vest.

You couldn’t have chosen a worse time. The people have been voting down waste to power plant proposals for over 40 years because they are very sensitive to environmental issues. Add to that all the recent concerns about Veilcorp’s Icarus project irradiating wildlife and causing sickness, and you a have a recipe for not just losing your job, but going to jail. I do not plan on going down with this ship because you found it convenient to punch garbage chutes into the hull. The political climate on these issues is very chilly and it seems like your plan was to wait until winter before forcing my office to march into a war.

I keep waiting for the Glimpsea guy to burst through the doors, point out the cameras, and tell me this is all some sort of sick joke. I need answers! I need to know what you knew and when you knew it. I want to know how these people contacted you and how long you’ve been talking. I’m sure law enforcement will be going through your financials. I don’t want to get anymore involved in this by asking about those specifics. Please, If anyone in my office worked with you on this catastrophe I want to hear about it now.

I’m going to keep this short and to the point. You just fed your political career a poison cookie, threw it off the top of a building and shot it multiple times on the way down. You better hope none of your mess splatters on me or my office. To be perfectly clear, you are fired immediately! I have appointed a local business man, Bob Abramo, as an emergency replacement. You have until noon to clean out your office, get your affairs in order, and turn over any relevant paperwork. I suggest that you leave the building before big Bob arrives.

Lahaina residents bond over SSHAM and sandbags

Mother nature is not going easy on Maui residents this year. Barely a month into the hurricane season the island has already faced the fury of 3 storms, but none of them have reached the intensity of Neki. The storm has already produced winds of up to 115 mph and meteorologists say that it could get even bigger before it hits.

Mayor of the County of Maui Albert Cravalho has cancelled tonight’s firework display and has issued a statement urging the public to prepare for the worst. All across the island people are bracing themselves and their houses for what might be the most powerful storm to ever hit the island. The National Weather Service now says that Neki might surpass Iniki, the category 4 hurricane that hit Hawaii in 1992.

While the general mood on the island is serious, and many are concerned, the looming storm has also highlighted an extraordinary sense of love and community. Mr. Cravalho says he couldn’t be more proud. This Hawaiian spirit and sentiment is especially true for the Lahaina area.

The Veilcorp facility there has ceased all travel activity and opened the doors to the public to use as an emergency shelter. Dan Kukulu, head of operations says,

“Our doors are open to anyone who is worried about the storm. We have nice strong walls and reinforced windows. Teams are going over every square inch of the facility right now to ensure everyone’s safety. We’re stocked up with enough water and Manimal for a week. We even have some entertainment to take your mind off the wind outside thanks to the Pu’u high school jazz ensemble. Everyone is welcome to come in, have a seat, and tap your feet until this whole thing blows over.”

All along Front Street businesses are boarding up windows and trying to protect themselves from flooding. Hula Noodle, a popular area shop has even offered SSHAM Musubi to everyone who helps fill sandbags. Owner Ralph Umeke says he’s proud, but not surprised at the willingness of his neighbors to lend a hand. “That’s what makes this place special. We’re like a big family. Sure, maybe a few people get on your nerves from time to time but in the end we all pitch in when we need to. Besides, I’m giving out bowls of SSHAM pho to anyone who fills 10 sandbags and that stuff is onolicious.”

North of Front Street others are offering some high-tech alternatives to sandbags. The local maker commune has been busily printing modular surge barriers all day and offering them up to anyone in need. Ano Lee says,

“The machines are hot and we’re almost out of materials but we’ll keep printing until we can’t anymore. This is my home and I want to do everything I can to help. We’re using a pretty cool pattern that I worked on a few years ago. The panels are easy to put together and they’re sturdy. We’ve installed purple LEDs along the top, and blue along the sides so they should look super cool at night, especially highlighted with a little lightning. In addition, every other panel has a small speaker and some pre-loaded music. I have to admit, our hurricane playlist might be the best we’ve ever made.”

People have been queuing up for the barriers all day including Scott Stonegate. The local man says that he isn’t usually the kind to hang out at the commune but appreciates what Lee is doing. Stonegate says he’s using the experience as a life lesson for his kids. “Their mom is the president of our HOA so she’s busy right now making sure that all the plywood is properly fitted over windows, and that there isn’t any unnecessary markings on them. I think it’s important for our kids to see that even in an emergency, standards are important.”

Scott says that if it wasn’t for Lee, his neighborhood of Tanager Lane might not have any workable solution should the storm surge reach far inland.

“I’ve already cleared away anything from around the garage that might be of concern. However, if it wasn’t for these panels my classic Mustang Shelby GT350 might be in danger of getting flooded out. Ivy is the most beautiful custom green and I don’t know what I’d do if her electronics got ruined. I’m over here working with people that I normally avoid in the lightning and raging winds with my kids to teach them an important lesson. You need to do anything you can to ensure the safety of the things you hold most dear.”

The latest National Weather Service forecasts predict Neki to make landfall sometime early tomorrow morning. Until then, the residents of Lahaina will continue to share SSHAM, sandbags, and a sense of community.

Is Your Facility Right For Newuskin?

As you can imagine, demand for our Newuskin tables has been great, to say the least. Vereserum has received so many requests for our technology in fact, that we have put together this guideline to help weed out facilities not ready to properly administer a Newuskin device. It is our hope that this outline will effectively communicate the minimum requirements and expectations associated with becoming a Vereserum partner and leasee of Newuskin technology. If your facility and clientele meet our basic requirements please contact our sales department. Nothing that follows is legally binding and terms are subject to change at any time.

Your Facility
Newuskin is cutting-edge technology that requires special backup power supplies and a special facility. Our rejuvenation tables require a dedicated power source and seamless backup supply. The delicate nature of the process means that one of our devices can never be without power. In addition to the power requirements, your facility must meet strict guidelines. Your building must have been built or had a major renovation within the last 6 years. Unless it is located in an especially unique area (lone building on an island, on top of a mountain, destination hotel, etc.) all of our partner locations must be at least 7,000 square feet. We also require a full audit of the facility before installation to make sure that the towels, chairs, fixtures, decorations, and various other items inside are of sufficient quality.

Your Financials
We require that our partners turn over a complete financial history of the facility and any owners/partners with more than a 10% interest in the business. We require tax returns for all the above parties going back 10 years. In addition, we ask that a forward-looking business plan be filed highlighting how you plan to integrate our technology into your facility, and what your goals for the next 5 years are.

Your Clientele
Almost as important as the quality of your facility is the quality of your clientele. We require a complete list of all your clients with the appropriate contact information. Your combined clientele must meet our minimum total income levels, social media reach, and average age demographics. We are a new technology and are trying to market to a younger demographic so a facility with younger clients will be looked upon favorably. Any clients of note (actors, singers, media personalities) will of course rank your facility higher than others.

Messaging
All advertising about our products and devices must be cleared with our marketing department. All messaging must focus on skin/hair changes and imply surface treatment only. The full organ/body replacement nature of the process must never be mentioned. If pressed by a client you are to present them with the information packs we will provide. In addition, you must refrain from answering any specific questions about the length of time the treatment will last. We encourage using a vague statement like: “Best of all, the results after one session can last months! “ The lead on all advertising will be “Newuskin, Nu U!” In addition, the following marketing statements have been pre-cleared.

Be the best you, you can be with the help of Newuskin.
Let the new you look exactly like the old you.
Enjoy the taught soft skin of your prime.
Tell Mother Nature and Father Time that they’re not in charge anymore.
Add some dark to your tall and handsome.
Newuskin, new you.

Other Considerations
All excess biological materials leftover from the Newuskin process must be recycled, cremated, or dealt with in a discreet, legal manner. We encourage you to investigate the laws regarding the disposal of such materials in your jurisdiction. We also require you to carry the appropriate liability insurance and sign an agreement freeing the company from any possible litigation. In some cases, Vereserum will ask for a forced dissolution contingency agreement to secure its interests.

If you think you and your facility meet all of these requirements and you agree to these conditions, please contact our sales department. We’ll verify some basic information and start the process. If we find everything to be up to our standards, you’ll be able to offer the most prestigious and advanced beauty treatment in the world. It is our sincere hope to include you in the Newuskin family soon!

Law That Would Put Quota On Veil Travelers Passes

Amongst cheers from its supporters and threats of legal action from the opposition, the InterIsland Preservation and Travel Act (IPTA) was passed today. The law would establish tough new regulations on the use of Veil transportation on any of the Hawaiian islands and impose a quota on the number of monthly visitors. Many native Hawaiians see the measure as a much needed safeguard for failing infrastructure and fragile natural areas. Veilcorp calls it a disappointing overreach. The controversial law is set to go into effect in 2047.

Proponents of the legislation say it is needed to protect strained electrical and sewage systems and to shield vital natural areas from overuse. Advocates point to the frequent back-up and spillage problems in Honolulu, and the recent destruction of a turtle nesting beach in Maui by a wedding party, as proof of the need for the law.

Starting next year, anyone planning to veil into the islands must submit a visitor declaration at least 60 days in advance, and outline which destinations they plan to visit as well as provide a departure date. Anyone caught staying past this date, or veiling in without a permit will be heavily fined with the possibility of jail-time for repeat offenders.

Not everyone on the islands agrees with the law. Many local businesses say they depend on a robust tourist trade, and cutting down the number of tourists by what some estimates say could be half, would be the beginning of the end for them. They also point out that so far the state has not explained how they would administer the monthly quotas or the waiting lists that are sure to reach out into year-long delays.

All of these questions and concerns are moot according to Veilcorp spokesperson Lisa Hunt. She says the new law is absurd and clearly unconstitutional, calling it “legislative theater”. Hunt says,

“Freedom of movement under United States law is one of the most fundamental constitutional rights of citizens recognized by the courts. It was recognized in the Articles of Confederation and the right to freely move between states is about as basic as it gets. What the Hawaiian government has done here is nothing more than an act of pandering to a very vocal and militant group of voters. They know that this law will not stand up to scrutiny in the courts. We suggest that they upgrade their sewer systems if they are no longer sufficient instead of spreading it around through legislation. Perhaps these advocates should get out of their comfy chairs and take a more hands-on approach to protecting the natural areas they allege to hold so dear. Stripping away freedoms won’t induce turtles to lay eggs.”

Mayor of the County of Maui, Albert Cravalho, disagrees. He says the law is much needed relief for a problem that has been growing for the past 7 years.

“Freely traveling between states has been considered a fundamental right but the federal government has not been invested with the authority to protect that freedom by the courts. That power has always resided with the states. But more importantly, we have to recognize that the Constitution is a living document. At one time slaves were considered three-fifths of a person, alcohol was illegal, and women were not allowed to vote. The creators of this great document wrote with quills, the ramifications of overcrowding due to veil technology was not on their radar. Oeming and his precious Veilcorp are just the latest incarnation of Captain Cook-like characters trying to exploit the beauty of Hawaii and its people. This problem really started to grow in 2039 when the United States joined 181 other countries in signing The Gateway Travel Accord. Giving virtually the entire population of the planet permission, and the ability to instantaneously stuff themselves into the 4,000 square miles many of us call home is short-sighted to say the least. Every winter our jails are filled with drunk Bostonians and others overstaying their visas. This is not a problem of our making. This is a global issue that was thrust upon us. Luaus aren’t a human right afforded to every southie, Saudi and shanghainese!.”

Albert’s sentiments are shared by many on the islands despite their doubts about the law’s eventual impact on the overcrowding and flash-tourist problems. Local IPTA advocate Elizabeth Stonegate says,

“As President of the Tanager Lane Homeowners’ Association for the past 15 years, I’m no stranger to hard and unpopular decisions so I empathize with the Mayor. If you think putting a travel quota in place is hard you should try getting everyone to agree to mandatory hibiscus planting. I agree that this is a problem that was thrust upon us by other countries. Just the other day a lost tourist wandered into the neighborhood. He walked up to me as I was getting the mail and asked for directions. His accent was so thick and I didn’t know what he was saying at first. You can imagine how off-putting the experience was. If something like that can happen in Tanager Lane, I can only imagine what horrors happen on a daily basis in the less upscale areas around the island.”

Lahaina Fire Department Hosts Luau Fundraiser

As I’m sure many of you have heard, a recent call at the power plant turned bad and exposed the limits of some of our gear. The fire proximity suits and the standard breathing apparatus issued to all of our people proved to be insufficient to protect us from the effects of the 127 fire. While we all made it out, several were injured and it was made clear that we needed some new, more robust equipment.

Unfortunately, budget cuts have limited our ability to properly protect all of our brave men and women. So we’re asking the public to tap into a little of that famous Hawaiian spirit in order to help safeguard these first responders. In an attempt to raise the money we need, we’ll be hosting the biggest and best Luau we’ve ever held at the Lahaina training facility Saturday, June 27th. The food will be served starting at 7pm and will continue until you go home. A seat only costs $30 for an evening of food and entertainment. Bigger donations are of course welcome. You’ll be helping a worthy cause and doing your part to make the island a safer place.

We got 2nd Ladder’s most famous cook. Trust us when we say Rodger can whip up the most broke da mouth food you’ll find in Lahaina next to Hula Noodle. The menu will feature such favorites as: lomilomi salmon, chicken long rice, kalua pork, ahi poke, SSHAM Lau Lau, a wide variety of fresh fruits and all the poi you can eat. Make sure to wash it down with a few nice cold beers or with a well blended chi chi at our cash bar.

We have more than just a great meal planned. You’ll be entertained throughout the night with our crew showing off their amazing talents. We’re kicking off the evening by getting you hooked on our ladder races. Watch as 8 teams compete tournament style climbing up the 6 stories of our training building to see who can get to the top first. Keep in mind that going up is only half the competition, just like in life, it’s the race to the bottom where things can get interesting.

What Matt Makakū can do with his hose has always been the talk of whatever house he’s been stationed in. Now, watch for yourself as the hose-master carves and molds a block of ice into a piece of art. Without the hard metal tools usually used in ice sculpture, Matt will gently coax away all the parts that don’t belong with his sublime nozzle techniques, leaving only pure artistry behind.

Gnarly Lou will raise 4 alarms of funny with his witty observations and unbelievable stories. Hear about calls you won’t believe and maybe learn a few embarrassing things about your neighbors. After 15-years on the force Lou has seen just about everything and he isn’t afraid to share .

We’ll slow things down later and help you experience some of our old traditions with the drums and fire dancers of Engine 6. Embrace your roots with the rhythm of the drums and the precise movements of our firedancers. We’ll even try to teach a few moves to anyone brave enough to come up on stage.

We’ll close the evening with the angelic vocals of Driver Engineer Sarah Kekoa streamed live from her hospital room. Sarah will put her trademark Hawaiian spin on a number of old standards and classics while she recovers. Close your eyes and let yourself float away or have a slow dance with that special person in your life.

We have it on good authority that the man himself, Eric Oeming, will be in attendance to show his support for our brave men and women. It will be a night to remember for sure! Please come and help us secure the equipment we need so the next time you hear Sarah sing, it won’t be from her hospital room. They’d charge into a burning building for you, won’t you please have a meal and a few laughs for them?

Ronnie Kalipalani Construction Should be Shutdown

To whom it may concern at the Aloha Businesses Bureau,

I’ve been in the real estate business for a long time and I thought I’d seen it all. I’ve encountered people trying to pass off fake permits and licenses. I once hired a landscaping company that turned out to be a Gaia Guard front. I’ve done business with countless people who thought they could swim with the big fishes because they believed their participation trophies counted for something. What I’ve never experienced before was a business that was such a perfect combination of lazy, incapable, delusional, and incompetent as Ronnie Kalipalani Construction.

Part of me wants to thank them for letting me know that it’s still possible to be surprised, but it’s a really small part. If you look through your records you’ll see this is my only complaint in almost 15 years of doing business on the island. I’m not the kind of guy who complains, certainly not to authorities. I usually like to handle bad situations myself. If this was just your run-of-the-mill bad business, I’d devote the next year to ruining it and the owner. I’d chew it up and spit out anything worth selling, but this time is different. Ron’s business is like bad shellfish. No amount of garlic, wine, or good management is going to make a difference. They need to be shutdown!

I should have known we were going to have problems when Ron told me that they weren’t “super good at pulling permits.” In fact, his team didn’t seem to know where to go to get them, or that they needed to present plans at all. Let me restate that for you. This is a construction company that didn’t know they needed work plans or blueprints. That’s like a restaurant not knowing the chef is going to need to have knives.

I hired them to build a small condo complex and invited the crew to the groundbreaking event. I routinely encourage my contractors to attend such affairs so they can see what my vision is. Never before have I had a group use such an event as an excuse for an impromptu drunken beach party. When I asked Ron to explain to me why I shouldn’t fire him on the spot I was told, “I understand that my guys were out of line, but being able to grab drinks freely on such a nice day isn’t the kind of thing that some people are evolved to handle. If you gave 100 kids a big bowl of candy a good percentage of them are going to eat the whole thing and get sick. It wouldn’t be fair to punish the sick kids would it? After all, you’re the one who gave them the candy.”

I must admit that the answer disarmed me a bit. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t admire the audaciousness of the statement. I decided to let him continue working and started documenting everything. I planned on keeping a close eye on things and give him enough rope to hang himself. It didn’t take long.

When I complained that the crew stopped showing up in full after the first month, I was told their previous attendance had been a fluke of the weather and the relationship status of the foreman. Ron said, “Johnny [the foreman] was going through some trouble with his wife when we started. So we were all doing our best to not hang out at his house since that was a big point of contention in his marriage. We all decided to just keep our heads down and focus on the job until he worked things out. I also let you know that the weather was starting to turn nice and I was going to have a hard time looking the guys in the eye and telling them ‘no surfing until the job is done.’”

At this point I thought it best that I sever all ties with Ronnie Kalipalani Construction before my temper got the better of me. I was told that I was too attached to deadlines but that they understood. Before I threw them off the property the foreman told me, “Trust me, when you’re at the end of your trip on this rock flying through space you’re not going to wish that you had built more medium grade condos to stuff with tourists. You’re going to wish you spent more time with your bruddahs.”

I have no idea how or why you ever endorsed these clowns. One of the only reasons I’m not dealing with Ron myself is he asked me not to file an official complaint. I have no problem at all kicking someone when they’re down, I do it gleefully every day, but I think something might actually be wrong with Mr. Kalipalani. If someone can’t fully appreciate the full magnitude of their destruction as I devour them, it ruins it for me. I would suggest strongly that you do everything in your power to close them down while I’m still feeling uncharacteristically charitable.

Arrest Made In Veilcorp Bombing attack

An arrest has been made today in the Veilcorp Luau bombing attack. 38-year-old Ben Drakes turned himself in to authorities this morning, claiming responsibility for the bombing which killed 10 and left 39 injured. Among the dead were Tracy and Alohi Oeming, wife and daughter of Veilcorp’s founder Eric Oeming. Eric himself remains in a coma. Officials say Drakes claims to have acted alone but the investigation remains ongoing. They had no comment as to motive in the case.

However, before turning himself in Drakes released a 5 page document to the press explaining why he bombed the Luau. In it he claims to be a member of the radical environmental group Gaia Guard and provides a detailed list of Veilcorp “crimes” against the Earth. The sometimes disjointed statement reads in part,

“Our mother is sick. She is sick because we turned our backs on her instinctual laws. She warned us many times but we refused to listen. Her tears flooded the land when we cut down her forests to build our cities, but we didn’t listen. She spread disease as we killed her other children for their meat and hides, but we didn’t listen. She ran a fever when we pumped our industrial smoke into the sky, but we didn’t listen. Her body quaked as we fracked into her, draining her rich dark blood, but we didn’t listen. She swept the land with cancer and deformity when we tried to play with the building blocks of life, but we wouldn’t listen. Veilcorp was tearing her apart with gateway technology. She was starting to lose her fight, so we made you listen. Oeming and his followers thought they were above Gaia’s law, so we made them answer for their cruelty. 18-years-ago a small town in Iowa was forever scarred by Oeming’s arrogance. A small group of people from that town pointed out the obvious and made the world listen for a moment. Our mother is running out of time, so we made you listen again.”

Drakes had been working as a lift operator at the Veilcorp station in Lahaina for the past 3 years without incident but has a long history with law enforcement. Records indicate that he was arrested and charged with assault or other violent crimes 3 times. Neighbors say they are in shock over the arrest and claim that Ben was “a quiet guy who kept to himself.” When asked about his employment a Veilcorp spokesperson had no comment.

Friends and family acknowledge that Drakes had a troubled past but claim that he had turned his life around 10 years ago. While he struggled when he was younger, they say Drakes completed treatment programs and was taking online classes to earn a college degree. They claim to have no knowledge of his alleged involvement with Gaia Guard.

His mother’s attorney released a brief statement that reads, “The Ben we all knew and loved would not do anything like this. My son was a loving young man who enjoyed spending weekends working with his grandfather on his farm. Ben always put other people first in his life and would go out of his way to help anyone if he could. Like many, he had a brief struggle with substance abuse and did some things he was not proud of. As far as we knew he had turned his life around and was working towards a better future. The Ben I know is not a monster and is incapable of such a violent act. Our hearts and prayers go out to the families of everyone caught in this senseless act. We are fully cooperating with law enforcement and would ask the media to direct all inquiries to our lawyer.”

Details of the crime remain few. With the investigation ongoing, police aren’t saying much but acknowledge that others might still be involved. Drakes 5 page public confession provides little additional information. For their part, Gaia Guard has remained uncharacteristically quiet.

Veilcorp spokesperson Lisa Hunt released a statement this afternoon about the arrest that said in part,

“I’m thrilled that this monster is where he belongs, behind bars. It’s too bad that the justice system will undoubtedly show him more mercy than he offered his victims. While it’s important to remember the 10 killed and 39 injured in this cowardly act, we should be devoting our energies to rooting out every last one of these Gaia Guard terrorists. We can spend time in reflection after they are all behind bars and awaiting execution. I would encourage officials to take a close look at anyone claiming affiliation with the group before more innocents lose their lives over nonsense and propaganda. In addition, we should take a close look at VeilWatch as well. They have been baiting these animals for years without any repercussions. They may not have planted the bombs but it’s clear that they planted the seed for this act. It’s time for them to reap what they’ve sown.”