STORYLINE

Reparre Debuts Next-Gen Spinal Orthotics at Expo

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When it comes to durable medical equipment Reparre Biologic may not be the first company that comes to mind. Better known for their customized DNA medicine and tailored stem cell technology, the company is expanding their medical equipment business with a line of cervical collars and hi-tech halos that have made a big splash at this year’s Medical Orthotics Expo in Lahaina. The company says their new state-of-the-art equipment adapts to specific individuals, reducing pain and healing times by as much as 30%.

It is estimated that as many as 25,000 Hawaiians suffer from a serious neck injury each year. These injuries can be quite painful, with long recovery times, lasting many months in some cases. Up until now, patients who suffered such injuries had few options in orthotics, none of which were particularly comfortable.

Shawn Hastings, President of Reparre, says, “The braces and collars available for people suffering from spinal injuries were absolutely archaic. The medical halo hadn’t changed much in almost 100 years. Just think about that. Imagine doctors still advising lobotomies for depression, treating cancer with shark cartilage, or recommending a brand of healthy cigarette? Obviously we’ve come a long way since then, and our new line or spinal and neck orthotics are a giant leap forward for the industry.

Our cervical collars adjust automatically to fit every shape and size of patient, and deliver ultrasonic stimulation therapy, all while relaying medical information in real time to our integrated home monitoring system. Our halo rings are self adjusting saving hours of painful positioning and xrays. In addition, they are able to deliver our customized DNA medicine to specific areas automatically, decreasing recovery times by up to 30%.”

“It’s truly amazing,” says Dr. Dalia Forsythe of the Lahaina Medical Group. “I’ll need to look at the trials more closely, but my initial thoughts are that we’re entering a new era when it comes to the treatment of spinal injuries. They’ve been able to not only save the lives of over a dozen patients suffering from an internal decapitation, an injury where the spine becomes detached from the skull, with a 70% mortality rate, but those patients recovered fully in less than 2 months with no lasting neurological effects. This will profoundly change the lives of hundreds of thousands worldwide every year, and offer many some bit of hope where there was none before. I can’t wait to see some of this equipment in use first hand.”

Despite the excitement in the medical community, a small group have been protesting the expo because of Reparre’s involvement. The company has faced heavy backlash over the past few months after a video, purported to be filmed at a Reparre facility, showed ghastly experiments being conducted on animals. The company has denied the claims, and The Office for Protection from Research Risks (OPRR) has cast doubts on its authenticity.

One of the protesters, Sebastion Malu, leader of the Eternal Cycle Church and former Barraloha instructor at the Kokua Wellness Center says that Reparre is indoctrinating the public into a false narrative, and his group is trying to “pull back the curtain of lies to enlighten humanity.”

“The truth of the matter is that the human body responds best to natural healing, clean water, and sunlight. This convention is all about coming up with ways to convince the public of big pharma’s lies, and to feed the greed of the medical establishment. If you listened to them you’d think it was a miracle that people made it before modern medicine at all. They talk about vaccines, antibiotics, and genetic predispositions, as if a person could be born into sickness on their own without being poisoned by their pharmaceuticals. People in our current form have existed for at least 300,000 years, and luckily we’ve only been subjected to modern “medicine” for the last 2,000. We routinely see things like cancer, anxiety, and autoimmune diseases now, when they never existed in the past.

My experience has taught me that neck injuries, no matter how severe, can be easily treated at home with acupuncture, tonal therapies, and massage. I think most people would be surprised what can be done with a taro leaf compress and liberal use of essential oils. In fact, many types of serious maladies, such as organ failure, can be treated with fresh ocean air and mindful breathing practices. Modern medicine is a business and business is about money. Reparre perfectly sums up this truth. Nothing here respects nature and the wisdom of our ancient forefathers. This is not about healing, this about making people dependent on these hi-tech collars of submission.”

STORYLINE

Trial of Cult Leader Involved In Newuskin Robberies begins in Maui

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All eyes were turned toward the Second Circuit Court in Maui today as the trial of alleged cult leader Sebastian Malu began. Malu and members of his group, the Eternal Cycle, are accused of breaking into a Newuskin facility in Lahaina and stealing a large quantity of biological materials. The group claims that they were simply trying to perform proper services over what they consider are human remains.

The Eternal Cycle was founded in early 2047 in response to the cutting-edge beautifying treatment, Newuskin. Parent company Vereserum calls the technology the best tool available to combat the aging process. Sebastian and the group claim that the process is something much more ghoulish.

According to prosecutors, Malu and an unnamed group of his followers broke into the Kokua Wellness Center and Spa in Lahaina, and destroyed equipment including a number of Newuskin devices. In addition, they contend that members of the Eternal Cycle stole a large quantity of biological material set for disposal and refuse to disclose the location or disposition of said materials. Sebastian says that the so-called “biological material” is actually human remains.

Representing himself, Malu’s opening statement said in part,

“What Vereserum is offering goes well beyond a simple beauty treatment. They are trying to pass off a Newuskin procedure as nothing more than a glorified facial peel or teeth whitening. What they are doing is much more insidious. They refuse to discuss that this process involves full organ and sometimes body replacement. I will present company sales materials proving that they demand their partners not discuss this ugly fact with the public. In essence, a Newuskin procedure results in the death of a person created from the innate energy that runs through all things in the universe, and the construction of a new false body for vanity. Vereserum wants to mask this fact through legalese and technicalities. They know what they are doing goes against nature and common decency. They are trying to hide it from the public by demanding that the discarded bodies resulting from their unnatural procedure be immediately cremated. We are not using these bodies in perverse or disrespectful ways, or profiting from their sale as some at Kokua have been for the past year. We are simply trying to give the vital spirit and energies trapped inside these abandoned vessels a proper release back into the eternal cycle.”

Malu is referring to a scandal at the Kokua Wellness Center earlier this year where a federal sting operation discovered an individual who was selling leftover Newuskin materials to a wide variety of individuals, including biotech companies and collectors of the macabre. Details of the investigation remain sealed, presumably because of some connection to the Eternal Cycle case. Opponents of the Newuskin procedures say that this is an untalked about, but common practice for facilities that offer the treatments. Vereserum disagrees, and vehemently denies those accusations, taking issue with Malu’s characterization of the Nuuskin procedure.

Company spokesman and CTO Ryan Mandal says that while there have been some unfortunate circumstances surrounding this one facility, on the whole, Newuskin technology is safe and ethical, and the facilities that offer the procedures are secure and professional. He says,

“This technology has a 2 year proven track record and with many years of previous government scrutiny. We take pride in offering a conscientious and safe procedure to every customer who chooses to go through the Newuskin process. The individual who was selling jarred feet at the Lahaina facility was not representative of the high standards our partners and we strive to maintain. They have been dealt with according to the rules of law. For Sebastian to suggest that we are somehow stockpiling bodies like cordwood is as ridiculous as his defense in this case. While it is true that our procedure does involve the reconstruction or replacement of some biological tissues in our customers, the leftover materials are not people anymore than a pulled tooth or removed tumor is. By any reasonable measure both legally and morally, the Eternal Cycle are wrong and we are confident that the criminal justice system will help them see the error of their ways.”

Most legal experts agree with Mandal but say that Malu is probably not interested in winning the case legally, but instead exposing some of the lesser-known facts about the beauty procedure. In that case, he might have already won. The Newuskin facility in Lahaina has been temporarily closed and there have been calls for further investigations into Vereserum and the procedure at the capital. The case is expected to finish in a few weeks but the questions about Newuskin raised are likely to last much longer.

STORYLINE

Reparre Biologic and Newuskin Announce Partnership

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Reparre Biologic and Newuskin turned the biotech industry on its ear today by announcing a new partnership. Long-time rivals, the Vereserum subsidiary and the medical tech company announced a number of new initiatives and unveiled the fruits of a secret 5-year project; a panther chameleon named Merlin. Known for their vibrant patterns and rapid color-changing ability, panther chameleons are the true masters of camouflage among reptiles. The companies demonstrated the lizard’s increased color pallet and almost instantaneous changing ability, but it was Merlin’s age that was the big story of the day. Panther chameleons have an extremely short lifespan, living only a year on average. Merlin is over 6-years-old.

They are calling the process “Tailored Cellular Optimization” (TCO) and they say it will revolutionizing everything about caring for your pet and the farming industry. Animal husbandry and breeding programs are a big business. Cattle farming alone generated over $100 billion last year in the U.S. and that number is supposed to rise 3.5% this year. Reparre’s President Shawn Hastings says that the process will quickly change the industry in a profound way.

“Selective breeding is as much an art as a science. For thousands of years we’ve been judging stock by eye. Only recently have we been able to actually look at genes of champion lines but that technology is still a blunt instrument. One of the biggest problems was preserving characteristics through lines and limiting genetic drift. TCO takes away that problem. Not only can we quickly maximize the already good genetics of a champion bull for example, but we can greatly extend that bull’s life. Extending the lifespan of champion stock would be a big boon to the industry and help reduce the environmental impact of animal agriculture. It’s not just farming either. Most race horses retire before they are 10. Imagine how valuable a champion would be after racing 40-50 years.”

Details of the TCO process were scant and the companies are remaining tight-lipped about the specifics. Newuskin spokeswoman Yvonne Masters says that you don’t have to be a farmer to make use of the new technology. She announced that a pilot pet program was being launched at the Kokua Pet Rejuvenation Center and Spaw.

“TCO is the ultimate way to pamper you pet. You can still get the pet services you’ve come to expect from the center including: shed resistant hair, iridescent and bioluminescent fur upgrades, and pest repellent skin.Those procedures have just been optimized with the addition of Reparre’s tailored DNA technology. Instead of using a generic breed model as a baseline, we can use specific cells from your furry friends, making each procedure truly unique. Losing a pet can be a very traumatic experience and being forced to watch a trusted companion grow old can be very off-putting. Thanks to our new TCO process there is no reason your 4-legged loved one can always be by your side. Dog owners can expect at least 60-year lifespans with regular treatments.”

Not everyone shares Ms. Masters enthusiasm about the procedure, however. Sebastian Malu, founder of The Eternal Cycle Church, and long-time Newuskin critic says the new procedure is an affront to the Universe itself.

“You don’t have to be a diviner to see where this is going to lead. First people are going to deny the Universe of the vibrational energy that these pets passing would provide, and keep them from reaching a higher state. Before long they are going to try the same with people. The Universe already has a perfect rule book written in our bodies by the creator. Believing that we can rewrite portions of that book to suit our needs is the height of narcissism and sure to bring about serious repercussions. People are meant to learn their life lessons and complete their journeys within a set timeframe before beginning their journeys again. We are not equipped to significantly extend our explorations in this realm.”

Despite Malu’s cryptic concerns, the companies say they have no plans to offer TCO treatments to people. “We’re a long way from doing human trials, and frankly anytime you start working on ways to produce genetically perfect humans you start getting into some really precarious territory. I think we have enough on our plates with our current goals,” says Hastings.

Still, considering the amount of time and money spent on youth and health procedures globally, one wonders how long we will be content to only let animals drink from this technological fountain of youth. The Kokua Pet Rejuvenation Center is set to begin the new TCO treatments next month and the waitlist is sure to be long. Masters suggests that people interested in the new procedure sign their pets up for the pre-screening process now.

STORYLINE

Unprecedented start to hurricane season has many worried

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2047 is turning out to be the worst hurricane season in recorded history, and that has many Maui residents concerned and looking for answers. Less than two months into the season and the island has already weathered 2 tropical storms and a full fledged hurricane. The extraordinary string of bad weather has many worried that Veilcorp activity is to blame, while other islanders have slightly more spiritual concerns about the storms.

Tropical storm Iopa hit the islands hard on May 7th this year, a full month before hurricane season officially begins, but that was just the beginning. Hurricane Kika followed soon after with tropical storm Lana cresting land a few weeks ago. While the storms caused relatively little damage to populated areas, the frequency of activity this year has many worried. Now, with tropical depression Maka looming and Neki following and gaining strength quickly, residents are looking for answers and some relief.

The last time a category 4 hurricane hit Hawaii was back in 1992. On September 11 hurricane Iniki passed directly over the island of Kauai. By the time it had passed, the storm had killed 6, destroyed 1,400 homes and caused more than $1 billion in damage. None of the storms this year have matched that intensity so far, but meteorologists say that Neki is following a similar path and is growing rapidly.

Many believe that an infamous Veilcorp program is to blame for the increase is storms. Since it started solar production of 127 (unbiseptium) in 2046, the Icarus project has been a lightning rod for Veilcorp opponents. Many claim that the change in weather patterns can be directly tied to the notorious project.

Critics say that worldwide exposure to 127 has increased drastically since the project began and that it is too soon for any study to make a definitive finding one way or the other about its safety. They point to a marked increase in major storms and changing weather patterns worldwide since Icarus began as proof that the issue needs more attention. Locally, many are concerned that the increase in 127 is having an impact on native flora and fauna. Calls for an investigation by the Department of Land and Natural Resources have gone unanswered so far, but activists remain vocal.

The corporation says that concerns are unfounded and that there is no proof that the project has any effect on the weather, sea, or animals. They point out that Veil technology has relied on 127 since its inception over 20-years-ago, and that there is no evidence of any long-lasting negative effects.

Still others on the island worry that Veilcorp activity has caused a cosmic crisis and that the unusual weather patterns are a symptom of a spiritual sickness. One such believer is Sebastian Malu. A Barraloha instructor at the Kokua Wellness Center in Lahaina and the founder of the Eternal Cycle Church, Malu says that Veilcorp should have consulted an astrologer before beginning the Icarus project.

He says,

“It’s insane to me that nobody at Veilcorp realized that harvesting energy from the center of our solar system in a year in which Mercury was occulated by the sun and Saturn was experiencing its summer solstice was a bad idea. Add to that the fact that there were 2 partial lunar eclipses in 2046, followed by 2 total eclipses this year and it’s a recipe for disaster. Just look at how bad the storms have been so far and we’re just getting started. The hurricane season lasts another 4 months. I know it’s popular to dismiss the wisdom of the ancients but they were given a blueprint for life and had a rich understanding of the great cycles that we have all but lost. The Melchizedek pattern and the Great Wesak cycle came together in April and May last year. It should have been a time of discernment and higher vibrations, instead Veilcorp ramped up their parasitic activity and muddied the cosmic water for all of us. I’ve been warning all my students and parishioners that our mother and the universe will have to make adjustments in order to return to balance. I believe the storms we’ve seen so far are part of that process. It’s not a coincidence that Neki is on its way just in time for the lunar eclipse on July 7th. It’s going to take a powerful storm to wash away the stain Veilcorp has left, and I’m afraid that’s exactly what’s coming.”

Whether it’s just an unusual natural cycle, a product of Veilcorp experiments, or a cosmic cry for help, the storm season this year is already one for the record books. Many residents are already preparing for the worst and hoping for the best. Officials are tracking the storms closely and say they could reach land in a matter of days.

STORYLINE

Big Bites Stores To Host “Beat The Heat” Sleepover Nights for Customers

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There’s no doubt that the unprecedented heat wave of the 40’s has caused plenty of problems across Maui. With 2046 on track to be the hottest year in recorded history, many are finding it hard to get a good night’s sleep through the sweltering heat. Chop House and Big Bites store owner Bob Abramo says he knows how uncomfortable many Lahaina residents are, and wants to help some of his most loyal customers get some much needed rest. That’s why he announced a “Beat the Heat and Eat Some Meat” promotion lasting through the summer. Hundreds of lucky customers will get to spend a night in the air conditioned comfort of a Big Bites location near them, play games, enjoy free entertainment, and eat some meaty snacks, while they’re sitting cool.

Abramo says the idea came to him after listening to customers complain about the sticky nights, and the cost of air conditioning. “I had a customer offer me $20 to stand in the walk-in cooler for 15 mins,” Abramo says. “Even though it was a joke, like all humor, it had a ring of truth to it. I understand the importance of keeping meat properly cooled, and that includes my patrons. We sent out flyers to our best customers and asked them if they’d be interested in breaking out their sleeping bags, and letting us pay for the air conditioning for a night. The response was bigger than my famous long pig buffet. We had to extend the offer to all Big Bites locations to accommodate the hundreds who have signed up so far.”

Operations Manager Brandi Essen says she’s excited about the slumber parties, and that there’s plenty to do for the whole family.

“Everyone gets a complimentary overnight bag with: a pouch of jerky, your choice of either a delicious meat smoothie or a refreshing glass of Hamade, and discounts on all your favorite meat treats, including any of our 20 pickled meats, and our famous candied corned beef bites. We have pig-in-the-blanket sleeping bags for the kids, and tons of natural casing balloon animals for them to play with. There will be plenty of cool bedtime stories told in our walk-in coolers, and a free carnivore-friendly movie every night. I even hear that Mr. Sprinkles, Lahaina’s most famous pig, will make a number of appearances over the summer. I think it’s great that we can give back a little to our loyal customers, and I encourage everyone to RSVP before we run out of room and dates.”

While some seem interested in dealing with the unprecedented heat wave by camping out in their favorite convenience store, others are concerned that the temperature increases will continue without drastic action. While all the usual warming suspects are on the table, there is a growing concern about Veilcorp technology, the company’s use of 127, and its effect on the environment. Renewed calls for government intervention, and a ban on the controversial element have tied up government phone lines, and filled DLNR mailboxes.

Barraloha Instructor at the Kokua Wellness Center, and outspoken food sustainability activist Sebastion Malu says that there is no doubt that 127 is accelerating an already deadly warming trend. “127 is like gasoline on an already raging fire. The gasoline is bad, but the fire will still burn with, or without it.” Malu says Instead of focusing on 127 alone, people should acknowledge the root causes of climate change like animal agriculture, and the use of petrochemicals. He suggests boycotting Abramo companies, and anyone who does business with the “Maui Meat King.”

“The Beat the Heat and Eat Some Meat atrocity is exactly the kind of rudimentary thinking, and understanding of natural cycles that we need to eliminate before we can move on to the next vibrational level as a species. Raising animals for consumption is murder not just for the animals, but for our planet and ourselves. Animal agriculture takes huge outlays of fertilizer, pesticides, fuel, feed, and water. It takes about 25 times more energy to produce one calorie of beef than it does to produce one calorie of corn. We need to be as mindful of the damage raising meat is doing to the planet, as the internal damage eating it can do to our bodies. We need to restore balance in our thinking and world by nourishing ourselves on nuts, nectars, sunlight, and all of the renewable natural gifts, not charred hunks of our differently designed animal partners.”

Abramo counters that he is not surprised by Malu’s call for a boycott, “The grass drinkers are always squawking about something, and Malu is the worst of them.” He adds, “Summer has always been about two things: staying cool and eating mounds of grilled meat. It’s not just healthy, and American, it’s the right thing to do. Malu and his followers say eating meat isn’t good or natural, which is ridiculous. If eating meat is so bad for you, why does it taste so good? Our bodies haven’t evolved to crave the delicious flesh of animals because it was dangerous. While Malu is running around like a chicken with his head cut off, and perspiring in the sun, my customers and I will be keeping cool inside, and dabbing the meat sweats from our foreheads.”

STORYLINE

Record Setting Solar Prominence Highlighted By Eclipse Remains a Mystery

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The eclipse on April 20 attracted astronomers, amateur stargazers, and eclipse chasers from all over to the island. The exceptionally dry and clear weather of West Maui makes it a perfect place to view astronomical events. A partial eclipse isn’t the rarest event in the universe but what was discovered that day is changing what we know, or don’t know in this case, about stars. A record setting solar prominence was clearly visible to all and has many worried about what effects Veilcorp’s Icarus Project is having on the sun.

One of the most impressive features of the sun is a solar prominence. The fiery loops of plasma extending far outward into space, following magnetic fields, are as beautiful as they are impressive. These gigantic loops of plasma can extend far into space. An average sized prominence can reach out thousands of kilometers, with the largest recorded before April 20 measuring over 800,000 kilometers long. Prominences can last a long time, days or sometimes even months. However, the prominence activity noted on the day of the eclipse is unlike anything astronomers have ever seen.

While many are concerned, Aldrick Lehmann, astronomer and lead engineer of the Hoku telescope, urges caution, noting that scientists are still researching how and why prominences are formed.

“The truth is that we just don’t know what could be categorized as normal. We’ve only had the technology to properly study the phenomena a short time. What we can say accurately is that we’ve never seen so many prominences at once before, and the first recorded description is from the 14th century. In addition, the longest has been estimated to be over 1.3 million kilometers long, that’s almost twice as long as any ever observed before, roughly the diameter of the sun. A coronal mass ejection from a prominence so large would of course be a concern. It’s interesting that this sort of activity has never been seen before the start of the Icarus Project, but I can’t say that Veilcorp is responsible, or even that it’s dangerous. What is clear however, is that we need more time and data in order to understand what is going on.”

Veilcorp has no shortage of critics, but the Icarus Project has easily been the most controversial program in the company’s history. Extracting 127 (Unbiseptium) directly from the sun, the program has been a target for environmentalists and safety officials alike. However, until now, most concerns have been focused on the economic and environmental impact that the increased exposure and stockpiling of 127 would cause. Despite Veilcorp safety assurances, the effects of the project have been a point of contention, with both sides citing conflicting studies. This is the first time that there has been any evidence that the project is impacting the sun itself, and it has many worried.

Sebastian Malu, a Barraloha instructor at the Kokua Wellness center and founder of the Eternal Cycle Church has been one of the most vocal critics in Lahaina. Over the past two months, he and his followers have camped out in front of the municipal Veil Station, protesting the company’s continued solar extraction of 127.

“The sun is the heart of our solar system. It’s energy feeds the plants and those of us who are able to tap into our inner beings. The Icarus project has pierced our heart and is feeding like a parasite from this most vital cosmic organ. Like other sensitives, I felt an increase in my electromagnetic energy as soon as the project started. I must admit that at first I appreciated the upgrade in intuition and awareness that I received, but the intensity of that increase began to be problematic. I spend a good portion of my day now trying to slow down my absorption of the sun’s energy before it’s too late. I urge other enlightened souls to do the same. I know it can leave you exhausted, but until we convince Veilcorp to stop stabbing our heart, it’s our best option.”

Veilcorp spokesperson Lisa Hunt says that the Icarus project is a multinational endeavor and points out that the brightest minds from around the globe have deemed the project safe. “While the cause of the prominences observed on April 20 are uncertain, the science surrounding the safety of the Icarus Project is clear. There is not, and never has been, any indication that the solar extraction of 127 is dangerous: to the sun, to the planet, to plants and animals, or to people who pretend to have magical powers. Remember, Icarus simply harvests 127 that is naturally made in the corona and captures it before it decays into less interesting elements, it doesn’t increase production in any way. I suggest we all take a deep breath, stop believing everything we read on the internet, and let the scientists study this amazing solar event.”

STORYLINE

New App Helps Farmers Find Love For Their Livestock

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It seems that there is no shortage of dating apps on the market these days. No matter how small the community, or niche the activity you are interested in, there is an app to pair you with like-minded individuals. However, up until now there hasn’t been an app to find that perfect match for livestock, but that is about to change. The creation of biologist Thomas Mencken, Swineswipe allows farmers, ranchers, and breeders to swipe right on animals that catch their eye.

Three years in the making, Swineswipe allows farmers to search for livestock that perfectly match their needs. Users can search through a number of species and breeds, and see how far away potential matches are. Valuable information about every animal is available on each profile including things like: age, weight, breeding potential, milk production (when applicable), hock length, body composition, temperament, eye color, favorite foods, and preferred activities.

While some may think a “dating” app for livestock is strange, Mencken says that Swineswipe will revolutionize the industry and be a valuable tool in animal husbandry. “When I was first approached with the idea I was skeptical, but after talking with Mr. Abramo and hearing his vision all doubts were cleared away, and I wanted a seat at the table.”

“Swineswipe allows breeders a chance to find that perfect match for their animals with a flick of the finger. Each profile contains everything you need to know, and probably a bunch of data that never occurred to you to ask. Many of our clients actually show profile pictures to their livestock to gauge their response, and increase the likelihood of compatibility. Despite the common misconception, farming has always been very technologically driven. We are offering the most comprehensive animal matching service available on the market. If you need lambs to lead to the slaughter, you need Swineswipe. You owe it to your animals and business.”

The response amongst those raising animals has been overwhelmingly positive, with many heritage breeders singing the praises of Swineswipe. However, not everyone is thrilled with the new app. Sebastian Malu, Barraloha instructor at the Kokua Wellness Center and outspoken animal rights activist says the new app is an “abomination” to the sanctity of animal life.

He says, “I’m not surprised that Bob Abramo has bank-rolled this latest weapon in the war against animals. It’s simply not enough for him to deprive these feeling creatures of their autonomy, and feed them until they are obese so their melting fat tastes better on his rapacious tongue. Now, he wants to provide them with a perfect partner? Why? Does providing a brief island of relief in a sea of pain really taste that good to him and Mr. Mencken? Despite his titles and degrees, it is clear that Thomas is nothing but a soulless butcher. He should make a perfect addition to the bloodthirsty dregs that Mr. Abramo surrounds himself with.”

Bob Abramo says he’s not surprised by the negative reaction from some saying, “The green juice crowd always whines a bit, but the good thing is they are so weak and sick all the time, it doesn’t last too long.” He does admit that one thing has come as a shock however, the demand for his stock amongst organic farmers.

“I always knew that we had the best heritage hogs on the island, but I was blown away by how many right swipes my sows have gotten. One thing’s for sure, there’s no need to put lipstick on these pigs. I know better than most how hungry Maui is, but until Thomas finished Swineswipe, I had no idea how thirsty it was too. I couldn’t be more proud of what we’ve cooked up. The Chop House changed the way steaks are broiled forever, and now we’re pushing the boundaries of animal husbandry. We’re expanding the menu at Abramo Holdings and I couldn’t be more proud. Swineswipe is one of the most mouth watering projects I’ve ever been a part of. Happy pigs are tasty pigs and I guarantee you can really taste the love in every bite.”

STORYLINE

Kokua Wellness Center’s Hot Yoga Program Raises Concerns

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Well known for their exclusive clientele, as well as their unconventional classes and treatments, the Kokua Wellness Center and Spa is often the subject of media attention. However, it is not the latest Layla Kalani sighting that has the spa in the news today, it’s the centers first offsite hot yoga program. With classes such as Attitudinal Interpersonal Marketing, and Mindful Chewing, you might wonder why Kokua’s hot yoga class is in the news. The answer to that is simple, this hot yoga class is taught near an active lava field.

According to Sebastian Malu, barr-a-loha and lava yoga instructor, hot yoga has many benefits. It can: cleanse toxins from the body due to profuse sweating, increase lung capacity, and circulation, boost the body’s immune system and regenerative properties, increase flexibility, and help with weight loss. He points out that a person who performs 90 minutes of hot yoga can burn over 700 calories. Nonetheless, Malu says his brand of hot yoga offers many more benefits.

“Though we try to pretend otherwise, the four fundamental elements are essential to good health and overall well-being. The truth of this is undeniable. The benefits of water aerobics and aqua therapy are well known. We are only beginning to understand how beneficial things like acrobatics and aerial exercise can be to happiness and balance. While those practices focus on the restoration of only one element, lava yoga harnesses the power of earth to keep you grounded and fortify your spirit, as well as invigorating your mana with fire, using that powerful energy to manifest your interpersonal goals.”

Taught at the foot of Kilauea’s most active lava field, Malu says his yoga classes are so popular that they are fully booked for the next three years. “I’m in the process of hiring an assistant so we can let more people experience the power of lava yoga, but the screening process is long and quite involved.”

Though the possibility of being covered in magma while in “dolphin” pose, may seem terrifying to some, Malu says that lava yoga is quite safe. “We recommend that all of our students wear fire retardant clothing just to be safe, but honestly, there’s very little chance of being seriously burned. Heat resistant suits are much too bulky to wear during lava yoga, so your proximity to the magma is limited. I tend to teach the class a blistering few hundred feet away, but I tell beginners to double that, and be mindful of the wind. Lava yoga is perfectly safe and may be the most complete physical and spiritual exercise ever conceived.”

Despite Malu’s reassurances many experts say that lava yoga is dangerous, and potentially deadly. They point out that lava is not the only danger of being near a volcano, it is often the gases released from the ground that are the most deadly. Greg Iona from the DLNR says, “The flow in the area is slow enough generally that I’m not concerned about people being overrun by lava, it’s a cloud of carbon dioxide settling down and asphyxiating people that I’m worried about. There are a number of harmful gases that should cause these people concern: sulfur dioxide, hydrogen sulfide, hydrochloric acid and carbon monoxide, just to name a few. There’s a reason volcanologists usually wear some sort of respiratory device while working near a volcano.”

Despite warnings from experts, many are willing to take the chance, and find the prospect of exercising in the shadow of a volcano exhilarating. Professional drinker, and Manimal spokesperson Tony “Half-Barrel” Kahale credits lava yoga with revitalizing his career.

“I’ve swallowed thousands of gallons of Manimal in my career, but I couldn’t swallow losing the Red Bottle 5-years-ago. It was a real low point. For 9 years I had been able to drink more Manimal, faster than anyone on the planet. It was everything to me, and when I lost, I lost more than the title. I lost who I was. Then I met Sebastian, and my life changed forever. He explained I had been living an unbalanced life. I had flooded my inner fire and earth. If I was going to get back on top, I needed to get rid of some of my water, and imbue myself with other energies. He was right. You wouldn’t believe how much you can ring out of my clothes after a session of lava yoga, it could fill a kiddie pool! I’ll be honest, the smell is pretty bad, and so are the vapors coming from the volcano. It’s like someone shoved rotten egg salad wrapped in burning hair up your nose, but you can’t argue with the results. I won my title back last year, and plan on defending it in a few months. They say the strongest steel has to go through the hottest fire. I don’t know anything about that, but I can tell you that lava yoga has my desire burning hotter than ever, and man am I thirsty!”