STORYLINE

Mayor to Address “Clean the Lane” Campaign in Public Hearing

What began as a very public neighborhood dispute has spilled over into the Lahaina political arena, as the “Clean the Lane” movement continues to gain steam. This morning, Mayor Albert Cravalho announced that he will be holding a public hearing regarding the future of preservation zone compliance liaison Elizabeth Stonegate, the focus of the campaign. Critics contend that Stonegate is unfit for the position and that she has failed to embrace and embody the “Aloha Spirit” that should represent the island.

According to Shelby Pio, Tanager Lane resident and leader of the Clean the Lane campaign, it all started with a decorative broom displayed on her front porch. Pio’s children are members of a Veil Scout troop and were learning about the art and culture of the native Hawaiians. They had invited a number of local artists who specialize in traditional creations to explain the history and significance of early Hawaiian art. Shelby says that her HOA president Elizabeth Stonegate demanded that one of the art pieces, a broom adorned with boar tusks, be removed from the property because it was “a potentially dangerous weapon”. When she refused, Stonegate fined her and promised to add additional fines everyday that the broom remained on her porch.

For many residents, including Pio, it was the last straw. Shelby accuses Stonegate of a long history of incompetence, hostility, and pettiness that has had a negative impact on the neighborhood and Lahaina in general. Outraged by Stonegate’s decision to punish Shelby over a piece of Hawaiian heritage, others began displaying similar brooms on their porch. News reports about their subsequent fining did nothing but fan the flames in the neighborhood. With the motto, “she can’t fine us all” the movement spread throughout Tanager Lane and across the Lahaina. Residents are displaying brooms or “Clean the Lane” signs as far as Block Rock Beach, and calls for Elizabeth’s removal as compliance officer have grown.

Stonegate has released a statement that reads in part,

“My job as HOA president and compliance liaison are very similar. I ensure that the rules are being followed and protect the association, as well as the preservation zone, to the best of my ability. I regret my initial reaction to the broom, but I had no idea something like that could be considered art. I now realize the benefit of teaching children about how far we’ve come as a society, and to help them appreciate that we don’t have to live like barbarians anymore. I’ve tried to explain my actions and apologize, but Shelby and the media have twisted my words, and made any meaningful dialogue impossible. Now, they want to remove me as compliance officer over a ‘lack of Aloha spirit?’ I’m not sure what that even means. I look forward to the public hearing so I can explain myself clearly, without the bias of the local news.”

Pio says she’s not surprised that Stonegate doesn’t understand the backlash. In fact, she says that is precisely the issue. “Starting in 2017, Hawaii started giving children the Character Skills Snapshot test to measure a child’s intellectual curiosity, teamwork, resilience, open-mindedness, initiative, responsibility, self-control, and social awareness. The State recognized that character was just as important to cultivate as traditional subjects in school. Hawaii has a long history of including kindness, and a sense of decency into their goals and politics. It is important to us, and something that is beyond Elizabeth’s comprehension.”

Shelby points out that the government has actually defined Aloha spirit in the Hawaii Revised Statutes HRS 5-7.5. “….’Aloha Spirit’ is the coordination of mind and heart within each person. It brings each person to the self. Each person must think and emote good feelings to others….” Pio says that Stonegate exhibits none of these characteristics and is doing irreparable harm to the image of Lahaina.

“The broom incident wasn’t the biggest issue, just the final shot in Stonegates war against civility,” says Pio. “Her list of mean spirited disasters and poor decisions is a long one. She has: Forcibly removed a beloved therapy animal from the neighborhood, created a culture of distrust and an atmosphere of fear across the island with an anonymous reporting app, approved the use of dangerous, untested maintenance drones in the neighborhood, and oversaw an ill-advised wall project that trapped 4 children, including her own son, underground for almost a week. Elizabeth Stonegate represents none of our ideals, and has no idea what having the Aloha Spirit means. Every day she is allowed to work in an official capacity is a slap in the face to everyone who embraces Hawaiian values, and does real harm to the image of Lahaina. We plan on cleaning the lane of Mrs. Stonegate, and hope the mayor will see the wisdom in removing this blemish on the reputation of Lahaina as well.”

Mayor Cravalho says he plans on delivering his official statement at the meeting, but he is, “concerned about some of the reports that have come into the office over the past few weeks.” Due to the expected high turnout, the public hearing will be held in the Pu’u high school gymnasium this Thursday, starting at 7pm.

STORYLINE

Manimal Ends Free Drinks for Life Promotion After Too Many Fans Get Tattoos

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Manimal has been forced to cancel a promotion offering free Manimal for life to Hawaiians willing to get a tattoo of “Major”, the company’s mascot, displayed in a prominent place on their bodies. The company claims it was unprepared for the number of fans wishing to participate, as well as complaints about a handful of teenagers getting tattoos in order to receive free drinks. Company CEO Spencer Kane says he regrets having to end the program, and hopes customers will understand.

The promotion was supposed to be simple. Get a tattoo of Major. Post a picture of it on social media tagging the company. Get 30 cans of Manimal every month for the next 100 years. However, the company was caught flat-footed just weeks after the initial announcement, when they were flooded by fans of tasty energy in a can, proudly displaying their tattoos. Over 10,000 Hawaiians got inked in the first few days alone, forcing the company to end the offer. “We were a victim of our own success,” says Kane.

“First and foremost I want to give a shout-out to everyone who was willing to permanently show their love for our drink on their body. To be honest, we were super surprise that so many of you were willing to have Major looking back at you in the mirror. In addition, we didn’t think it was physically possible for so many of you to get tatted up so quickly. Our bad. I know that we haven’t always had the best batting average with some of our promotions, but I feel like we hit this one out of the park. Unfortunately, it drifted foul. I’m meeting with our marketing and legal teams all week to figure out how we’ll make it up to everyone who got inked. Don’t worry; we’ll take another swing at it soon.”

While the promotion has been breaking the Manimal bank, it has been a boon for the island’s tattoo parlors and artists. Well-known body modifier and artist Rowan Hardy says his shop has been fully booked since the promotion began, but says he has mixed emotions about today’s announcement. “There’s no doubt that business has never been better. We haven’t even had time for walk-ins for months. It’s just too bad that everyone wants Major on their body for some free drinks. As an artist, it’s a little disappointing to see people fill in their canvas with something so commercial. When they come in I try to convince them to get forehead studs, a tongue splitting, or a full neck piece instead. You know, something they won’t look back on with regret down the road, but you have to please the customer. I just hope Manimal makes it right. There’s a lot of angry advertisements walking around Lahaina right now.”

Hardy isn’t exaggerating. Social media has not been kind to Manimal, or Kane himself following the cancellation announcement. The Manimal website has been down all day due to an attack, and many are threatening to sue the company for removal of their tattoos, as well as punitive damages. A handful of Hawaiians say the promotion caused their underage children to get Major tattoos, with one Lahaina resident saying her child’s Manimal tattoo forced her to leave her home.

Shelby Pio says she was livid when her 16-year-old son came home with a Major tattoo

“I think Manimal has to take some of the responsibility. This promotion has turned our home upside down. The company is obviously targeting impressionable and impulsive kids. When Eric came home with that thing tattooed on both cheeks, I just about lost it. His father and I couldn’t believe that he’d do something so stupid for an energy drink. Worse yet was when our HOA president saw it. Tanager Lane rules have a provision barring anyone with a face tattoo from residing in the neighborhood. Eric and I have been forced to stay at my sister’s house until we can get it removed. It’s very troubling that the company and Mr. Kane seem unwilling to acknowledge their culpability in this matter, almost as troubling as having your teenager come home with a face tattoo.”

STORYLINE

Re: Your Inquiry About the Necessity of Our Emergency Drills

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Let me start off by thanking you Shelby for voicing your concerns about Tanager Lane’s quarterly emergency drills. I appreciate your questions almost as much as I appreciate you CCing everyone in the association. We can always count on you asking about procedures and rules already put in place, just in case someone is a little slow on the uptake, or has a hard time comprehending what their obligations are. I am a little confused as to why you didn’t bring it up when I delivered the list of your monthly HOA violations, but as usual the list was quite long, so perhaps it slipped your mind. In any event, the short answer to your question is, Yes, we really need to hold surprise emergency drills in the association every three months. Yes we do!

Practice makes perfect Shelby. I appreciate your concern that, “The last drill took place at 3am. The sirens terrified the kids and Frank couldn’t get back to sleep.” If I could bend the laws of nature, I would certainly schedule fires, hurricanes, and earthquakes at a more reasonable hour, one that better fits with your families sleep schedule. However, I’m too busy most days trying to make sure that Tanager Lane remains safe, and has the highest property values of any neighborhood on the island. It’s a tough job, especially when I have to explain things over and over again.

Times have changed, and recent events prove that anything can happen. We need to be prepared Shelby, certainly better prepared than you were for the Labor Day party this past weekend. I know it was unusually warm, but you ran out of cold drinks in the first hour, despite my warnings about the lack of ice when I arrived. If you had held emergency ice drills with your family, perhaps the party wouldn’t have been such a disappointment.

The past few years have seen many possible dangers that we need to be ready for, if we want our properties to remain the most sought after in Lahaina. We’ve had: record setting hurricanes destroy Front Street, massive explosions that put people in the hospital, and caused property damage. Do you remember the protest floatilla? What if all those people decided to drunkenly wander into the neighborhood, while a house was being shown? Sure, the wall probably would have kept most of them out, but we’ve never tested it against an angry horde before.

I know that you feel, “…using real emergency response vehicles, and actors is a waste of our HOA dues,” but we need to make these drills as realistic as possible, because some day, the danger might be real. The preparedness company that I have contracted is the finest of its kind, working with numerous municipalities and even Veilcorp. Their specialists not only mix up the kind of faux emergencies, but they track the response times of each home in the neighborhood, and present the findings in detailed reports every quarter.

I’m sure you’ve seen where your family ranks, and that’s what I want to get through to you. I know that you have a sort of “open and free” parenting philosophy, but we need everyone’s response in an emergency to be second nature, even our kids. I want your children to be preparedness superstars. I don’t want them to struggle in an emergency, like they do in sports and school.

I understand that you’re having trouble grasping the big picture here, but frankly the Tanager Lane bylaws and regulation documents don’t have a “what does Shelby think?” provision. Perhaps you are unaware that flooding alone costs Hawaiian homeowners over $12 billion a year. Perhaps you don’t know that having a well rehearsed emergency plan can save lives, and head off possible property damage. Perhaps you haven’t heard that the state agrees with me, and is installing an island-wide alert system for the very reasons we hold these drills. Perhaps you are, once again, in over your head Shelby.

STORYLINE

Duracave Recalls Popular Toy Kits That Contain Machetes and Other Dangerous Items

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This morning, Duracave, the popular maker of survival products and systems, has recalled their “Little Liberty Survival Kits”, and their “Junior Jungle Explorer Packs”, after it was discovered that several contained real survival gear. Some parents who bought the packs found dangerous items such as hatchets, machetes, saws, flares, and even highly volatile magnesium ribbon. Duracave CEO Barrett Stone says that a mix-up in the distribution and packaging process led to the unfortunate incident, and the company will refund and replace any kit containing dangerous gear.

Branded with the slogan “Survival Is Child’s Play,” the Durave toy packs were supposed to offer kids a chance to learn about survival techniques through an instructional manual and a wide variety of survival items. The sets were supposed to include items such as: a canteen, a compass, cordage and a canvas tarp, fishing lines and hooks, and several of the company’s “Complete Dinners In a Can,” like Fred’s Famous Raccoon Noodles. However, what some children found inside their kits were sharp blades and dangerous incendiary fire starters.

Stone says a limited number of kits were packed with the wrong items, but the problem is limited to Maui. “We don’t believe that any of the kits in question made it to the mainland.” Barrett says that he understands some of the concern expressed by parents, but thinks the media coverage is a bit overblown.

“We actually considered addressing this issue by just changing the recommended age range to 13+ instead of 6 and above. I believe 13 is a great age to start swinging a machete, and learn how hot and bright magnesium is when it burns, but the lawyers pushed for a total recall, and that’s what we’re doing. I think it’s important to remember that only a few kits contained a handful of questionable items. Mostly kids got a compass, the stuff to make a lean-to, and some cans of food that are guaranteed to be shelf stable for 50 years, hardly anything to get worked up about. We believe that you’re never too young to prepare for the worst, in order to live your best. That’s what these kits are designed for, educating children in a fun way about the rigors of survival.”

Parents who purchased the tainted toy packs however feel like they learned a different lesson, “I’ll never buy anything for my son again without thoroughly looking through it,” says Tanager Lane resident Shelby Pio. Shelby was one of a handful of parents who discovered dangerous items inside the kit she bought her 9-year-old son.

“I came home to find that Troy had hacked down the hibiscus bush in he front yard, and had lit a whole roll of magnesium ribbon in a trash can in his room. The entire house was filled with smoke. It not only burned out the bottom of the can, but all the way through the floor, and also into one of the floor joists. We’re lucky the whole house didn’t catch on fire! This kit not only put my son and home in danger, but now we’re in violation of the neighborhood’s mandatory hibiscus program, and our HOA president called in the building inspector to make sure my house was still safe for habitation. This Junior Jungle Pack has cost me a lot of sleepless nights, and daily fines until the gardener can replace the shrubbery. I would say it is definitely not kid friendly.”

The public uproar has caused an unexpected surge in price for improperly packed kits. Despite, or because of the potentially dangerous items inside, one of the tainted packs can sell for upwards of $1000 now, as collectors buy up as many as they can before they are turned into Duracave. Randy Wilcox, one such collector, says he plans on handing them out to his nieces and nephews for Christmas, despite what might be inside.

“I just think these things are terrific at teaching responsibility, and allowing kids to get an idea of what they are good at. I know I would have been head over heels if I got one of these things when I was young. My friends and I had to play with sharpened lawn mower blades, a bombs made of tin foil and drain cleaner when I was young. This is some top-of-the-line Duracave stuff, not something put together from what you can find in your uncle’s shed. Instead of sheltering these kids, I think it’s important for them to learn what they’re good at, and that some actions have consequences. A kid who can responsibly handle a chunk of burning magnesium might have a great future in demolitions, or the fire dancing arts. A kid who can’t, gets burned and learns a valuable life lesson. There’s no downside!”

STORYLINE

Lahaina Inventor Makes Breakthrough In Printable Hair

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Medical technology has improved by leaps and bounds over the past few decades. The development of stem cell therapies has slashed recovery times and provided cures for once terminal diseases. However, one common condition has avoided an easy or affordable solution until now, hair loss. Famed Lahaina inventor Ano Lee says the days of just living with your thinning hair are over. Along with his partners at Reparre Biologic, Lee has made a printable hair breakthrough that promises to put locks instead of lotion on millions of bald heads across the country.

“It was one of those happy accident things,” says Lee. According to the Lahaina native, his breakthrough wasn’t intended to address hair loss at all. “We were working on bringing our cosplay to a whole new level and accidentally came up with a hair restoration revolution.”

“One of the most important parts of any costume is the hair. Unfortunately, video game designers and comic book artists rarely consider how hard it is to reproduce some of their looks. There’s no doubt that giant red hair spikes on your cosmic ogre look terrifying, but it’s almost impossible to recreate in the real world without costly and cumbersome wigs. I thought a lot about it during my long recovery from an illness last year. During my treatments, I was talking to one of Reparre’s R&D specialists about the problem and we came up with a way to print your favorite cosplay hair with a level of authenticity never possible before. When the company suggested we focus on “normal” hair as well for people going bald, I thought ‘why not?’

All a person needs is a hi-res picture of themselves and the hair in question, the stem cell materials from Reparre, and a 3D printer. The hair strips adhere themselves to the area once prepared and last for as long as 30 days before they need a touch-up. Soon it won’t just be movie stars and comic book heroes with great hair. Our solution is just as good as high-end salon treatments for a fraction of the price.”

Despite Lee’s enthusiasm, not everyone is sold. Yvonne Masters of the Kokua Wellness Center says, “Unfortunately for Mr. Lee and the poor people who have ruined their look with his sticky hair strips, you get what you pay for.” Masters cautions that hair is nothing to play with.

“Since the dawn of civilization hair has been a symbol of power and beauty. We pay respect to the power of hair at Kokua and only use proven Newuskin technology for our follicle transformations. I can only hope that the inartful placing and lack of holistic styling involved in this cheap and short-sighted practice don’t lead to irregular hair growth, social stigmatism, and tragically split ends.”

Masters may have a point. Despite a promising start to Lee’s pilot program in Lahaina, there have been a handful of issues. Shelby Pio, a resident of the exclusive Tanager Lane neighborhood, has been one of the unlucky few to experience problems with the hair treatment. Pio may not be who you envision when you think about hair restoration solutions, but much to her dismay her kids experimented with the system at a friend’s house with some serious consequences.

“We haven’t had the best luck with beauty treatments in the Pio home and I forbid my husband to bring any of that stuff in the house. I told him I didn’t care if he was as bald as an egg. The Pio house was not going to be part of any more experimental procedures. I didn’t want any trouble, but trouble found me anyway.

Our oldest was playing at a friend’s house whose father is undergoing the treatments. The kids started talking about it and my son decided he wanted to look older, so they tried to print some hair for his chest. I guess they did something wrong along the way and didn’t prep the area properly. Next thing I know the cat comes running through the dining room like she saw the devil himself and in shuffles my son crying and covered in hair. My mouth and heart dropped when he walked into the kitchen. I don’t think I said anything for a few minutes. He looked like a sobbing werewolf. There was dark hair all over his arms, up his neck, and all across his torso. I nearly tore my hair out.

We tried shaving it off but it keeps coming back. The Reparre people say it might be another week or two before it stops growing. Even then, they say he might have abnormal hair growth permanently. I get up 30 minutes early to help brush him out before school, but he’s still leaving hairballs all over the classroom. As if having a son that looks like mopey bigfoot wasn’t bad enough, our HOA president fined us for having an unauthorized pet. She wants us to produce a doctor’s note certifying that Eric is still human before she’ll void the infraction. Our life is a tangled mess thanks to this printable hair nightmare.”

STORYLINE

Lahaina Spa Offering “Prawn Massages” To Clients

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World-renowned for its high-end beauty treatments and a client list that includes some of Lahaina’s most influential people, The Kokua Wellness Center and Spa is not afraid to push the boundaries of health and wellness. The center was one of the first to offer cutting edge Newuskin technology to its customers, as well as providing many other exotic procedures designed to treat the mind and body. However, a new program has many questioning if Kokua has gone too far. The spa is now offering exfoliating hair removal sessions facilitated by giant freshwater prawns. Dubbed “Prawn Massages” by the media, the center says the sessions are “the most natural method of hair removal available” while environmentalists call it a potentially dangerous exploitation of an invasive species.

While the thought of having hand-sized prawns all over your body may make your skin crawl, Yvonne Masters Promotions Coordinator for the Kokua Wellness Center claims it’s an amazing way to get rid of unwanted hair and stimulate your immune system. Masters says the new program is just the latest to embrace traditional and natural methods of promoting health and beauty.

“We’ve been offering Urchipuncture sessions for over two years now, and our line crayfish collagen-infused health drinks has become one of our best selling supplements, but these prawn sessions are truly amazing. We use locally sourced Tahitian Prawns from crystal clear streams and an all-natural attractant cream specially designed right here at the center. They may be called Tahitian prawns but when you see how good they are at removing hair from those hard to reach areas, you’ll swear they’re from Brazil.

These prawns are truly nature’s perfect hair removers offering several benefits besides glowing smooth skin. Five pairs of swimmerets gently relax the mind with their natural rhythms, while five pairs of walking legs draw out toxins and exfoliating the skin. However, it is the extraordinary long feeding arms and specialized mouthparts that make these creatures a depilatory dream. It’s the most natural way to remove unwanted hair and available exclusively at Kokua.”

The spa claims that the waiting list for a prawn session is now over three weeks long, but many are questioning the wisdom of using an invasive species in such a way, not to mention the dangers of letting an animal with pincers work on your delicate areas. One such person is the DLNR’s Greg Ionia. While he concedes that the spa isn’t doing anything illegal, he worries about spreading an already prolific invasive species to pristine areas.

“Anyone who’s gone to a Spring event or a graduation party has seen plates full of these prawns. They’ve become a hugely popular treat, but it’s important to remember that they are not native to Hawaii and not particularly good for our native species. In 1956 state workers brought 340 of the prawns from Guam to Hawaii. By 1969 people had spotted the prawns in 42 different streams across all the Hawaiian islands. I’m afraid with the popularity of these treatments the prawns will find their way into our few remaining pristine streams. I won’t comment on the actual physical safety of prawn massages. I wouldn’t personally feel comfortable with an animal plucking and chewing off my hair but I don’t think anyone is in danger. I can’t say the same for our native wildlife.”

Despite Kokua’s reassurance about the safety of the procedure, many have complained about pinches, bites, and superficial scrapes. Some have reported other serious complications involving the spa’s special attractant cream used to help the prawns target specific areas. A resident of Tanager Lane, Shelby Pio is no stranger to the spa but says she’s telling all of her friends to skip the prawn massage after her experience.

“To be honest I haven’t had the best luck with beauty treatments but I was sick of waxing and laser treatments so I thought I’d give the prawns a try. The exfoliating and other health benefits seemed like a big plus. They gave me the cream and told me to rub it where I wanted the prawns to focus and to make sure I thoroughly wipe off my hands before settling into the pool. It was a little weird at first. The prawns moved a lot faster than I expected but in no time I was so relaxed it felt like I was floating. Once you get over the initial shock it feels amazing. It was so tranquil that I fell asleep and that’s when the trouble began.

I guess I didn’t wipe my hands well enough and must have touched my head at some point. All I know is that one minute I’m dreaming about angels massaging my temples and the next minute I’m waking up to find giant prawns crawling over my face. They completely removed my eyebrows and left my head looking like I lived through a nuclear disaster. The spa offered a discounted Newuskin treatment to fix everything but we’re not made of money. I spent the next month wearing wigs and drawing on my eyebrows every morning. Regardless of what they say, there was nothing natural about the way I looked once the prawns were done with me.”

STORYLINE

Spa Faces Backlash Over New Astrological Pricing

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Lahaina’s Kokua Wellness Center and Spa is world renowned for its exclusive clientele, cutting-edge health services, and high-end beauty treatments, but a new pricing scheme has many long-time customers seeing red. The bastion of serenity has ruffled plenty of feathers recently with their introduction of an astrological pricing system. The price of many popular treatments can now cost up to 150% more depending on your birthday, and the time of the year you book your appointment. Many are accusing the famous spa of discrimination, while Kokua says they are simply adjusting prices to properly reflect the varying degree of difficulty in treating clients throughout the year and honoring their employee’s work.

Word of the new pricing system has spread quickly across the island, despite the lack of an official announcement from the spa. Opponents say that relaxing with West Maui’s rich and famous with the gorgeous wilds as a backdrop, is a dream for many, that will now never be realized thanks to the new program. The Mayor’s Office says they have received several official complaints and are looking into the matter to determine if any laws have been broken.

Kokua spokesperson Yvonne Masters says that astrological signs are not protected groups under the law. She contends that the new pricing model is not about making more money, but is simply a reflection of the difficulty in creating “stunning outcomes” for everyone at all times. “This is simply a way for us to keep our high standards and protect our beauty facilitators at the same time,” she says.

“Like many great ideas, the astrological pricing system wasn’t something thought up in a boardroom or accounting office, it grew naturally amongst our employees until it was ripe for implementation. It all started one day when it was unseasonably cold and rainy. A sort of malaise was spreading quickly through the spa, but we were powerless to identify the underlying cause all morning. By the afternoon, I knew we were facing a crisis. I ordered everyone to attend an emergency tonal therapy session to clear the fatigue and discover the cause of the funk that seemed to hang in the halls and treatment rooms. After a few role-playing exercises and an extensive review of the day’s survey cards, someone pointed out that all the customers that day were air signs.

It suddenly made perfect sense. The problem wasn’t us or the weather, it was the discordant vibrational energy of our customers. We might have been able to push through it if it was any other time of the year, but unfortunately, we have to take our clients as we find them. We all scrambled to cleanse the building and reset our centers, while I looked for the emergency amethyst. While we strive to give clients all the nurturing guidance we can, it became apparent that we needed to make significant changes to our monetary offering guidelines to properly reflect our efforts.”

Chef Craig Hoomaau, a certified nutritionist and transpersonal plating-arts instructor at Kokua, says he supports the spa’s decision even though he has had to cancel a class due to the backlash. “I’m proud to teach in a place that is so proactive in seeking unorthodox solutions to unconventional problems.” He adds, “There’s no doubt that we can use food and purposeful plating techniques to shape our mind and body, but there’s no denying that we are cast from a mold shaped by the time and place we were born. Everyone knows that an Aries can’t work harmoniously with a Cancer, so it’s not so strange to think that all healing is not achieved by the same level of effort.”

Most legal experts agree that there is nothing illegal about the new pricing scale, but wonder if the center can survive this latest round of bad press. “I understand that they can charge whatever they want, but they should have said something before my spa day began. What was supposed to be a relaxing afternoon turned into a nightmare,” says customer Shelby Pio.

“I had recently gone through a health scare experimenting with a beauty treatment that left my face partially paralyzed for a few weeks. To be honest, my hopes and dreams had drooped almost as low as the right side of my face. Then my husband gave me a spa day certificate to the Kokua Wellness Center. Normally I would have asked where he got the money for such a lavish gift, but I was so excited that I didn’t care. I wiped the tears from my left cheek and booked a time later that month. I had no idea what a mistake that was.

I was all done with my dermal peel, nail replacement, and eyelash thickening when they told me that the certificate didn’t cover my treatment because of my birthday. They wanted over $1000 more, and that didn’t even include the mandatory 20% gratuity. I couldn’t believe it and asked why I wasn’t told beforehand. I was told that the astrological pricing system was new so they didn’t have time to change all the printed information yet. When I said that it was unacceptable and wouldn’t pay the upcharge, they threatened to take back my nails and eyelashes. I had just spent the last month getting over the stares the palsy brought on, and couldn’t imagine going through all that again so I put the upcharge on my credit card. I’m no expert on the zodiac, but I can tell you that another trip to the Kokua Wellness Center isn’t in my stars.”

STORYLINE

Automated Maintenance Drones Keep Neighborhood In Good Repair

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Home repairs and maintenance just got a whole lot easier in one Lahaina neighborhood with the unveiling of a group of automated maintenance drones. Created and conceived by local inventor Ano Lee, the drones can take care of most external home repairs as well as handle basic construction. Under the watchful eye of Tanager Lane Homeowners’ Association President and Preservation Zone Compliance Liaison to the Mayor’s Office Elizabeth Stonegate, the drones will work as part of a Maui funded pilot program for the next 90 days. If successful, they could be deployed to handle maintenance of government buildings all over the island.

Unlike most of his creations, Lee says that the inspiration for the automated drone system came from necessity. He was facing multiple fines for preservation zone infractions and was offered a chance to do community service in lieu of paying the accumulated fines.

“The pineapple bots I designed a couple years back have been a great success and have really changed the business of pineapple farming, however the strobe lights are a problem. It turns out that they are illegal to use within 100 yards of the preservation zone because they attract insects and endanger the native hoary bat. The fine was up to $500 per incident, and they had been documenting the lights for over a year. The final tally was insane, but Elizabeth said that she might be able to work out a deal. I had been toying with the idea of repurposing the drones for other tasks, and we worked out this maintenance agreement. I just wish they had informed me of the infractions earlier so I wouldn’t have to spend the next year building maintenance drones for the County.”

“Maintenance is one of the hardest parts of being a responsible home owner,” says Stonegate. “In my experience, it’s one that many people aren’t ready to take on. In my reign as Tanager Lane President, I can’t begin to tell you how many times I’ve had to point out chipped paint, crooked fencing, or a loose shingle. Unfortunately, most people don’t have the initiative to keep their things nice or are just too neglectful to do proper maintenance. Making sure residents live up to basic standards and prodding the lazy, so we can all enjoy a beautiful neighborhood, has taken up countless hours over the past 12 years. Finally, I’ll have a little help and I couldn’t be more excited. I just hope that the drones can keep up with me, and adhere to my standards better than some of our residents.”

3 drones started patrolling Tanager Lane this week. They do preventative maintenance according to a pre-programmed schedule, fix any problems they come across, and help enforce preservation zone rules. The drones keep track of a materials inventory necessary to complete most repairs and are capable of ordering supplies when they run low or need to take on a special task. Lee says that he hopes to include 3D printing technology in future models.

Technology and convenience does not come cheap however. Those living inside Tanager Lane will see a substantial increase in their HOA dues this year. However, Stonegate says, “When you consider how many fines the average Tanager Lane resident pays for infractions every year and the cost of multiple repairs, the price is actually a bargain.”

The drone roll-out has been well received for the most part. Many residents welcome the system and see the automated repair drones as a convenience, but there have been a few incidents that have raised concerns.

Shelby Pio says the drones ruined her son’s 10th birthday party.

“Eric missed out on a good portion of his summer vacation with a broken leg. He’s a very active boy and it was really hard for him to stay cooped up while watching his friends play. We decided to get him a bounce house for his birthday so he could jump around all day with his friends and maybe work out some of his frustration from the past month. The kids loved it and everyone was having a good time when I went inside to make some lemonade. A minute later I heard shouting and ran out to see what the trouble was. It was the drones. They were trying to drag the bounce house away and had pierced it in the process. I had a dozen crying kids in my front yard watching their afternoon of fun fly away. I called Elizabeth and she said that structures, even non-permanent ones, weren’t allowed without a permit. I felt more deflated than the bounce house.”

Stonegate says none of the children were hurt in the bounce house incident and adds that residents better get used to having the drones enforce the rules. In fact, she says she would like to expand their duties to yard care and driveway repair as well. Ano Lee says that early tests with lawn care have not been particularly successful. “In the few tests I’ve done so far the drones haven’t been able avoid large objects. The last thing I want is for a kid to get hurt while a drone is mowing the yard.” Stonegate counters, “I’m sure most children are smart enough to move when the flying lawnmowers show up, but I understand Mr. Lee’s concern. I look forward to seeing what progress he makes in the hot asphalt and concrete department in the upcoming weeks.”