STORYLINE

Kokua Wellness Center Accused of Using Discarded Meat In Beauty Treatments

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Lahaina is in shock this morning after disturbing allegations were made last night involving the Kokua Wellness Center and some of their most popular beauty treatments. The exclusive spa is accused of using scrap meat and cutoffs from a number of local businesses in procedures, including the Abramo Chophouse, instead of the specialized stem cells and patented biological materials normally associated with high-end Newuskin treatments. Officials say they have confiscated hundreds of pounds of meat from the facility and are questioning staff about the claims. Newuskin says they are suspending all services at Kokua and are removing their machines until a full investigation is completed.

This is not the first time troubling allegations have been made against the Wellness Center involving Newuskin treatments. Two years ago, Kokua made headlines when a group broke into the facility intent on stealing materials they claimed were human remains. While that case raised many moral and spiritual questions about the nature of the spas treatments, these new claims raise significant issues regarding public safety.

The investigation comes hot on the heels of an anonymous complaint sent to the Health Department and local officials, as well as the entire client list of the center. It reads in part, “I had been working at the Abramo Chophouse for years when the scrap buckets appeared. Anyone who has cooked for a living knows about waste buckets. They’re supposed to make you waste less by looking at the pile of food at your feet at the end of the night, but these were different. We kept them in the cooler and they were always sealed. Also, they were only supposed to be for cutoffs, trimmings, and scraps…..just meat and nothing cooked…. We joked that Bob was planning on making a “Kamikaze Sausage” special like you’d do with mixing fountain soda as a kid but that wasn’t what was going on at all.

…I kept asking why we were bringing the buckets to the side entrance of the spa and finally I was told that they were using the scraps in their procedures because it was cheaper than buying what they needed from the company. Normally I’m not concerned about the problems of Lahaina’s rich and famous, but this was too much. Nobody deserves to have their face filled with gristle and rib scrapings….you all need to look into this.”

Kokua spokesperson Yvonne Masters says she finds the allegations troubling but adds that the public response has been even worse.

“We live in a time where accusations no matter how outlandish are believed. We are obviously dealing with disgruntled employees trying to lash out in any way they can. It is disturbing how fast something like this can snowball and it should scare every business owner in Lahaina. Of course, all of these allegations are untrue. It goes without saying that we are not infusing cheeseburgers into our clients to smooth out fine lines and wrinkles. The confiscated meat has been inspected and is used to extract the most bio-available zinc available for our exclusive line of holistic vitamins. The reaction to this troll’s unfounded allegations has left us all speechless and saddened.”

Public reactions have been mixed so far with many high-profile clients making statements supporting the spa and pointing out how outrageous the accusations are. Still, many see a reason for concern. Local resident and noted author Kevin Morrow says if proven true the spa has endangered the lives of not only its clients but the public in general.

“One common rule has been shared across all cultures since humans could etch their thoughts into clay tablets or paint them on a wall. Don’t eat each other! It seems simple enough but what if your neighbor or your boss were literally made of what you eat? Hunger is very powerful, perhaps the most powerful driving force in nature. Much of your hunger response is subconscious, there’s a reason bakeries direct the smell of baking bread to the front of the store. We’ve all heard stories about plane crash survivors or lost groups forced to eat each other to survive, and that is dirty exhausted people with almost no meat on their bones.

Now imagine plump healthy-looking individuals baking in the afternoon sun, filled with Bob’s Best Burger Blend. Maybe you’ve had too many Mai Tai’s and the smell of these meat treated people is slowly wafting into your nostrils making your mouth water. You think to yourself, “Well maybe just a toe, they won’t miss it that much.” That’s exactly how a cannibal uprising starts. All it takes is the right situation and one bad day. I don’t think people realize how close they are to being eaten by their peers. For the sake of Lahaina and its people I hope these allegations are untrue.”

STORYLINE

Trial of Cult Leader Involved In Newuskin Robberies begins in Maui

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All eyes were turned toward the Second Circuit Court in Maui today as the trial of alleged cult leader Sebastian Malu began. Malu and members of his group, the Eternal Cycle, are accused of breaking into a Newuskin facility in Lahaina and stealing a large quantity of biological materials. The group claims that they were simply trying to perform proper services over what they consider are human remains.

The Eternal Cycle was founded in early 2047 in response to the cutting-edge beautifying treatment, Newuskin. Parent company Vereserum calls the technology the best tool available to combat the aging process. Sebastian and the group claim that the process is something much more ghoulish.

According to prosecutors, Malu and an unnamed group of his followers broke into the Kokua Wellness Center and Spa in Lahaina, and destroyed equipment including a number of Newuskin devices. In addition, they contend that members of the Eternal Cycle stole a large quantity of biological material set for disposal and refuse to disclose the location or disposition of said materials. Sebastian says that the so-called “biological material” is actually human remains.

Representing himself, Malu’s opening statement said in part,

“What Vereserum is offering goes well beyond a simple beauty treatment. They are trying to pass off a Newuskin procedure as nothing more than a glorified facial peel or teeth whitening. What they are doing is much more insidious. They refuse to discuss that this process involves full organ and sometimes body replacement. I will present company sales materials proving that they demand their partners not discuss this ugly fact with the public. In essence, a Newuskin procedure results in the death of a person created from the innate energy that runs through all things in the universe, and the construction of a new false body for vanity. Vereserum wants to mask this fact through legalese and technicalities. They know what they are doing goes against nature and common decency. They are trying to hide it from the public by demanding that the discarded bodies resulting from their unnatural procedure be immediately cremated. We are not using these bodies in perverse or disrespectful ways, or profiting from their sale as some at Kokua have been for the past year. We are simply trying to give the vital spirit and energies trapped inside these abandoned vessels a proper release back into the eternal cycle.”

Malu is referring to a scandal at the Kokua Wellness Center earlier this year where a federal sting operation discovered an individual who was selling leftover Newuskin materials to a wide variety of individuals, including biotech companies and collectors of the macabre. Details of the investigation remain sealed, presumably because of some connection to the Eternal Cycle case. Opponents of the Newuskin procedures say that this is an untalked about, but common practice for facilities that offer the treatments. Vereserum disagrees, and vehemently denies those accusations, taking issue with Malu’s characterization of the Nuuskin procedure.

Company spokesman and CTO Ryan Mandal says that while there have been some unfortunate circumstances surrounding this one facility, on the whole, Newuskin technology is safe and ethical, and the facilities that offer the procedures are secure and professional. He says,

“This technology has a 2 year proven track record and with many years of previous government scrutiny. We take pride in offering a conscientious and safe procedure to every customer who chooses to go through the Newuskin process. The individual who was selling jarred feet at the Lahaina facility was not representative of the high standards our partners and we strive to maintain. They have been dealt with according to the rules of law. For Sebastian to suggest that we are somehow stockpiling bodies like cordwood is as ridiculous as his defense in this case. While it is true that our procedure does involve the reconstruction or replacement of some biological tissues in our customers, the leftover materials are not people anymore than a pulled tooth or removed tumor is. By any reasonable measure both legally and morally, the Eternal Cycle are wrong and we are confident that the criminal justice system will help them see the error of their ways.”

Most legal experts agree with Mandal but say that Malu is probably not interested in winning the case legally, but instead exposing some of the lesser-known facts about the beauty procedure. In that case, he might have already won. The Newuskin facility in Lahaina has been temporarily closed and there have been calls for further investigations into Vereserum and the procedure at the capital. The case is expected to finish in a few weeks but the questions about Newuskin raised are likely to last much longer.

STORYLINE

Reparre Biologic and Newuskin Announce Partnership

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Reparre Biologic and Newuskin turned the biotech industry on its ear today by announcing a new partnership. Long-time rivals, the Vereserum subsidiary and the medical tech company announced a number of new initiatives and unveiled the fruits of a secret 5-year project; a panther chameleon named Merlin. Known for their vibrant patterns and rapid color-changing ability, panther chameleons are the true masters of camouflage among reptiles. The companies demonstrated the lizard’s increased color pallet and almost instantaneous changing ability, but it was Merlin’s age that was the big story of the day. Panther chameleons have an extremely short lifespan, living only a year on average. Merlin is over 6-years-old.

They are calling the process “Tailored Cellular Optimization” (TCO) and they say it will revolutionizing everything about caring for your pet and the farming industry. Animal husbandry and breeding programs are a big business. Cattle farming alone generated over $100 billion last year in the U.S. and that number is supposed to rise 3.5% this year. Reparre’s President Shawn Hastings says that the process will quickly change the industry in a profound way.

“Selective breeding is as much an art as a science. For thousands of years we’ve been judging stock by eye. Only recently have we been able to actually look at genes of champion lines but that technology is still a blunt instrument. One of the biggest problems was preserving characteristics through lines and limiting genetic drift. TCO takes away that problem. Not only can we quickly maximize the already good genetics of a champion bull for example, but we can greatly extend that bull’s life. Extending the lifespan of champion stock would be a big boon to the industry and help reduce the environmental impact of animal agriculture. It’s not just farming either. Most race horses retire before they are 10. Imagine how valuable a champion would be after racing 40-50 years.”

Details of the TCO process were scant and the companies are remaining tight-lipped about the specifics. Newuskin spokeswoman Yvonne Masters says that you don’t have to be a farmer to make use of the new technology. She announced that a pilot pet program was being launched at the Kokua Pet Rejuvenation Center and Spaw.

“TCO is the ultimate way to pamper you pet. You can still get the pet services you’ve come to expect from the center including: shed resistant hair, iridescent and bioluminescent fur upgrades, and pest repellent skin.Those procedures have just been optimized with the addition of Reparre’s tailored DNA technology. Instead of using a generic breed model as a baseline, we can use specific cells from your furry friends, making each procedure truly unique. Losing a pet can be a very traumatic experience and being forced to watch a trusted companion grow old can be very off-putting. Thanks to our new TCO process there is no reason your 4-legged loved one can always be by your side. Dog owners can expect at least 60-year lifespans with regular treatments.”

Not everyone shares Ms. Masters enthusiasm about the procedure, however. Sebastian Malu, founder of The Eternal Cycle Church, and long-time Newuskin critic says the new procedure is an affront to the Universe itself.

“You don’t have to be a diviner to see where this is going to lead. First people are going to deny the Universe of the vibrational energy that these pets passing would provide, and keep them from reaching a higher state. Before long they are going to try the same with people. The Universe already has a perfect rule book written in our bodies by the creator. Believing that we can rewrite portions of that book to suit our needs is the height of narcissism and sure to bring about serious repercussions. People are meant to learn their life lessons and complete their journeys within a set timeframe before beginning their journeys again. We are not equipped to significantly extend our explorations in this realm.”

Despite Malu’s cryptic concerns, the companies say they have no plans to offer TCO treatments to people. “We’re a long way from doing human trials, and frankly anytime you start working on ways to produce genetically perfect humans you start getting into some really precarious territory. I think we have enough on our plates with our current goals,” says Hastings.

Still, considering the amount of time and money spent on youth and health procedures globally, one wonders how long we will be content to only let animals drink from this technological fountain of youth. The Kokua Pet Rejuvenation Center is set to begin the new TCO treatments next month and the waitlist is sure to be long. Masters suggests that people interested in the new procedure sign their pets up for the pre-screening process now.

STORYLINE

Officials Order Kokua Wellness Center’s “Product Integrity” System Taken Offline

After a recent round of complaints, including an incident involving an incapacitated teen, officials have ordered the Kokua Wellness Center and Spa to shutdown their controversial new product integrity system. The spa says they need the technology to protect their brand, by eliminating any counterfeit or unapproved products from entering their facility. However, Mayor Albert Cravalho says that numerous complaints and a handful of injuries, prove that the system is not yet ready and a danger to the public.

Kokua began using the Standards and Loyalty Assurance Program (SLAP) early last month to protect the spa from “the introduction of products that don’t meet the rigorous physical and spiritual standards of the Kokua Wellness Center.” Signs were erected warning passerbys to stay at least twenty feet away from the property, and customers were warned that Kokua would no longer accept items not purchased at the spa, or previously cleared.

The backlash from the community was almost immediate, with numerous complaints about residents receiving electrical shocks from the system’s integrated drones for getting too close to the front door. In addition, reports of SLAP harming birds who flew over the wellness center flooded the Department of Land and Natural Resources (DLNR). Numerous officers reported that the spas front garden was often covered in dazed terns and convulsing shearwaters. The last straw for officials came when SLAP drones went beyond their set perimeter, and harassed motorists driving by, attempting to destroy non-approved cosmetics detected inside vehicles.

Mayor Cravalho says, “While the Kokua Wellness Center is one of the jewels in Lahaina’s crown, it is clear that this new SLAP system is a slap in the face to the aloha spirit that is at the heart of this town. I appreciate their concerns about protecting their profits, but assaulting people with electricity is not the way to do it. If the management can’t see the wisdom of shutting it down, I’ll do it for them.”

Kokua spokesperson Yvonne Masters says the system isn’t just about protecting profits, although that certainly is a concern. It’s about preserving the integrity of Kokua products, and making sure customers look and feel their best when they leave.

“Last year counterfeit products cost over $2 trillion globally. That number is striking, and certainly a concern of ours, but the real danger to us is the terrible efficacy of faux items reflecting poorly on the center. We take great pride in only offering the finest natural products, providing customers a level of spiritual harmony and fitness that is unatainable with lesser products. Whether it’s our: lotions, exfoliates, specially heated stones, yoga mats, or even towels, Kokua products are the finest money can buy. We’ve seen in the past few years just how terrible knockoff products can be for beauty outcomes and health. While we can’t stop people from cheapening themselves at home, we can assure that nobody cheapens our treatments with forbidden lotion hidden in their bag, or a subpar mat in their lava yoga class.

Our area cosmetic policing and denial system is able to identify banned cosmetics, forbidden clothing, and equipment with a high degree of sophistication. Once a contraband item is found the system uses a mild drone-delivered shock to “illuminate” the offender, and let them know that they should remove the offending cosmetics or return contraband items to their car. If they are not receptive to our message, the power of the electrical reminder is increased to protect the integrity of our center. Every new technology experiences some bumps in the road before it is perfected. We have now addressed any and all issues with SLAP, and believe that the order to take it offline is both illegal, and unnecessary.”

However, a recent incident involving a teenage tourist would seem to belie Masters claim. According to Carla Archer, her son Tim had been enjoying a cherry flavored italian ice when a SLAP drone mistook the red staining around his mouth as a type of banned lip gloss. The boy was reportedly shocked to the point of unconsciousness while his frantic mother tried to protect him, and contact authorities.

Masters counters that the report of the incident contains inaccurate information, and was a simple misunderstanding.

“We feel terrible for the Archers, who had inadvertently wandered onto Kokua property. Carla has accepted our heartfelt apology, as well as a complimentary Nuuskin dermal rejuvenation, and a suite of our finest products. Tim has regained most of the feeling in his hands, and should make a full recovery. Both parties now consider the matter closed. We only hope the mayor’s office will be equally understanding, before we are forced to take the matter to a higher court and spiritual authority.”

STORYLINE

Announcing the Kokua Pet Rejuvenation Center and Spaw

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For over 6 years, The Kokua Wellness center and spa has been the premier destination for mindful relaxation and facilitated personal growth. We strive to not only respect the therapies and techniques of the past but also explore the wonders of cutting-edge technology. We are constantly evaluating new procedures to better serve your needs, and things are about to become more wonderful. As you know, last year our facility was one of the few chosen to partner with Vereserum to bring you their amazing Newuskin technology. The demand has been nothing short of extraordinary.

We’ve never been happy to simply reside in the realm of wonderful, however. Instead, we believe in manifesting the phenomenal through hard work with our partners and visualizing success. Bolstered with our intentions, and unrestrained by government rules on human testing, our Newuskin family have created the most advanced pet revitalization and shaping center in the world. We are proud to announce the opening of the Kokua Pet Rejuvenation Center and Spaw.

Now both you and your four-legged family member can receive the pampering you deserve. Simply drop off your pet, and choose from a number of our exclusive offerings. While we’re helping you reach your potential through one of our many classes, or creating a better you with Newuskin, we’ll be working hard to give you a companion worthy of your attention.

One of the most unfortunate aspects of pet ownership is all the hair. The help is constantly working to remove it from the floors and furniture. Grooming is too time-consuming and most vets say that waxing is not an appropriate option. If you’ve ever had to leave a social function because of the crushing embarrassment of having rogue pet hair on your clothing, you’ll love Vereserum’s new shed-resistant hair technology.

With this exciting treatment, you can ensure that your pet’s hair stays where it belongs, on your pet. With a simple touch-up every 90 days you can say goodbye to the groomer forever, and let your cleaning staff devote their attention to more important tasks. For an additional nominal fee, we can match your pet’s coat to a specific outfit. Instead of being humiliated by your pet’s hair, turn them into the perfect accessory that you always hoped they’d be.

This new technology can even expand the usefulness of your pet’s hair with an iridescent and bioluminescent fur upgrade. Now your pet’s coat can truly shine! Effortlessly spot your animal at night, and make it easier for them to be seen by motorists. This offering is perfect if you have young children who are scared of the dark. Imagine the security they’ll feel by having their own personal four-legged nightlight.

Short of keeping them inside a sealed container, there is no way to completely protect your pet from the dangers and filth of the outdoors. Nothing is as bad as the horror of a flea or tick infestation. Even the most pampered pooch can be exposed to these tiny nightmares from less vigilant pet owners. In the past, your options were limited to potentially toxic sprays, drops, and collars, or simply getting a new pet, which can be emotionally difficult. Now, you have a better choice.

Vereserum’s repellent skin deters parasites with an all-natural chemical barrier that stays with your pet for up to 3 months. In addition, the treatment slightly thickens your pet’s epidermis making it more resilient to irritation. In some cases, we’ve seen up to an 80% reduction in unsightly scratching or rubbing. Give your pets the skin you and they deserve.

Despite the best breeding, sometimes your furry family member grows into a disappointment. Breed standards are stringent, and until now pet owners were forced to live with imperfections. With total pet rejuvenation, you can finally have the perfect pet. Your animal will not only receive the shed-resistant hair and the skin upgrade, but we will reshape its features to perfectly match the standards of its breed. (Note: this process disqualifies your pet from showing in most animal clubs and associations.) Imagine the pride you’ll feel when that slightly crooked tail is finally straight or that bent ear stands tall as it should for an animal befitting its station.

Due to the number of inquiries, we will be expanding our offerings to now include pigs and rabbits as well as cats and dogs. Of course, you’ll still be able to enjoy some of our more established programs including our holistic grooming classes and ultra-whitening teeth procedures. Call to inquire about times and availability. We will discuss pricing and payment options in person at the facility. Sorry, we are not offering any financing options at this time. No walk-ins, please. Hurry, as we expect high demand and have a limited number of openings. Be sure to ask about animal ceremplants! They make training easy, and better yet allow for a two-way relationship with your cat, dog, pig, or rabbit.

STORYLINE

Is Your Facility Right For Newuskin?

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As you can imagine, demand for our Newuskin tables has been great, to say the least. Vereserum has received so many requests for our technology in fact, that we have put together this guideline to help weed out facilities not ready to properly administer a Newuskin device. It is our hope that this outline will effectively communicate the minimum requirements and expectations associated with becoming a Vereserum partner and leasee of Newuskin technology. If your facility and clientele meet our basic requirements please contact our sales department. Nothing that follows is legally binding and terms are subject to change at any time.

Your Facility
Newuskin is cutting-edge technology that requires special backup power supplies and a special facility. Our rejuvenation tables require a dedicated power source and seamless backup supply. The delicate nature of the process means that one of our devices can never be without power. In addition to the power requirements, your facility must meet strict guidelines. Your building must have been built or had a major renovation within the last 6 years. Unless it is located in an especially unique area (lone building on an island, on top of a mountain, destination hotel, etc.) all of our partner locations must be at least 7,000 square feet. We also require a full audit of the facility before installation to make sure that the towels, chairs, fixtures, decorations, and various other items inside are of sufficient quality.

Your Financials
We require that our partners turn over a complete financial history of the facility and any owners/partners with more than a 10% interest in the business. We require tax returns for all the above parties going back 10 years. In addition, we ask that a forward-looking business plan be filed highlighting how you plan to integrate our technology into your facility, and what your goals for the next 5 years are.

Your Clientele
Almost as important as the quality of your facility is the quality of your clientele. We require a complete list of all your clients with the appropriate contact information. Your combined clientele must meet our minimum total income levels, social media reach, and average age demographics. We are a new technology and are trying to market to a younger demographic so a facility with younger clients will be looked upon favorably. Any clients of note (actors, singers, media personalities) will of course rank your facility higher than others.

Messaging
All advertising about our products and devices must be cleared with our marketing department. All messaging must focus on skin/hair changes and imply surface treatment only. The full organ/body replacement nature of the process must never be mentioned. If pressed by a client you are to present them with the information packs we will provide. In addition, you must refrain from answering any specific questions about the length of time the treatment will last. We encourage using a vague statement like: “Best of all, the results after one session can last months! “ The lead on all advertising will be “Newuskin, Nu U!” In addition, the following marketing statements have been pre-cleared.

Be the best you, you can be with the help of Newuskin.
Let the new you look exactly like the old you.
Enjoy the taught soft skin of your prime.
Tell Mother Nature and Father Time that they’re not in charge anymore.
Add some dark to your tall and handsome.
Newuskin, new you.

Other Considerations
All excess biological materials leftover from the Newuskin process must be recycled, cremated, or dealt with in a discreet, legal manner. We encourage you to investigate the laws regarding the disposal of such materials in your jurisdiction. We also require you to carry the appropriate liability insurance and sign an agreement freeing the company from any possible litigation. In some cases, Vereserum will ask for a forced dissolution contingency agreement to secure its interests.

If you think you and your facility meet all of these requirements and you agree to these conditions, please contact our sales department. We’ll verify some basic information and start the process. If we find everything to be up to our standards, you’ll be able to offer the most prestigious and advanced beauty treatment in the world. It is our sincere hope to include you in the Newuskin family soon!

STORYLINE

The Kokua Wellness Center Has Limited Spots Available, Apply Now!

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For the past 9 years, you’ve come to know the Kokua Wellness Center and Spa as the premier destination for mindful relaxation and facilitated personal growth. The beauty of our Maui location is matched only by the grace of our teachers and programs. We truly appreciate the trust and spiritual relationships you’ve formed with us as well as your financial offerings. We try to give that energy back every day, but some things are out of our control.

As you may be aware, government mandated quotas might soon be enacted on the island because of overcrowding concerns. In a few months, the number of visitors allowed to Veil to Maui could be set, and a waiting list will be created. While some businesses have already closed ahead of this well-intentioned government overreach, we have bent like the reed and have embraced the adversity.

Change is often scary, but it is always necessary. Like the winds and the ocean currents, a shift is coming to the Center, and we would like to take as many of you as we can on this unfamiliar journey. The proposed law is forcing us to reduce our membership by half. We regret that we won’t be able to take all of you with us but we promise to offer blessings and referrals of support for those who are impacted by this transition.

We have spent days in contemplation about this possible change and have decided to let you show us who wants to make the best use of our teachings. To help us make this important decision we are announcing a number of new programs and classes updated to better manage your needs and concerns. Our new membership roll will be based on the financial and spiritual gratitude you show us by accepting these guided gifts into your daily routine. While it is not compulsory to sign-up for every new offering, they have been designed to serve all members and aspects of your family.

Please let us know which of the following you’d like to explore.

Attitudinal Interpersonal Marketing: Positive people get positive outcomes. Learn in our float tanks through a number of biofeedback techniques to remove negative thoughts from your life. Perception is reality. If you only see the good in yourself others will too. Don’t tell your boss you want a raise, let him feel it through your aura. Live a faultless life by refusing to recognize any flaw. Allow us to improve your personal brand and truth.

Advanced Pali-ites II: Similar to our previous advanced pali-ites class, pali-ites II still focuses on controlled breathing, body-mind connections, and purposeful action, but that is where the similarities end. Ascended Pali-ites Master Autumn has manifested one the most complete centering programs you will ever encounter. Her progressive relaxation exercises and words of deliberate consistency will guide you into new realms of spiritual alignment. Master Autumn emphasizes being present in all things, but she is unchained by the worldly concept of time. Classes begin and end daily when they should, and not according to a rigid schedule.

Devotional Eating: Feeding your soul is important but the truth of the matter is the body needs to be fed too. Bolster your body with Chef Craig’s teachings and creations. You will learn to enjoy your meals beyond the limits of your five senses through the art of transpersonal plating. Craig will expose you to a number of mindful chewing and purposeful swallowing strategies. Learn just how important food can be to your overall health and satisfy your hungry mind.

Family Balance: All too often your time here is seen as a bastion of serenity in a sea of chaos. This can be especially true when you have a busy family life. This offering will give you a wide array of skills to pass on the peace to your family. Holistic grooming will teach you a more complete path for dealing with your pet. Learn how you can let their souls shine as bright as their coats. Teach your baby to self-soothe with the infant-autohypnosis techniques you will learn through our guided imagery process. Discover where the chakras are in your home, how to align them, and much more.

Of course, you’ll still be able to enjoy most of our more established programs including our popular Barraloha exercise classes that you’ve come to love. We will continue to provide State-mandated discounts for our local clientele but will be transitioning them to more appropriate areas of the building to better reflect their level of financial commitment. The destination parking area down the street has now been cleared for the exclusive use of our discount customers, and we ask them to use the expedition entrance around the rear of the building. Call to inquire about times and availability. No walk-ins, please. Keep an eye out for additional learning opportunities as we continue to grow into our newest incarnation. This is a joyous time for all of us and we appreciate your help in separating the wheat from the chaff.

STORYLINE

Kokua Wellness Center To Offer Controversial Manimal Detox Program

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The Kokua Wellness Center is world renowned for its high-end beauty treatments and exclusive clientele, but the spa has announced that they plan to depart from their usual services, and dip their toes into a controversial subject, Manimal detoxification. While most healthcare and addiction specialists claim that “Manimal addiction” is no more serious than having a penchant for coffee, many claim the Lahaina based energy drink company is pedaling a dangerous and potentially addictive product. They say over time Manimal can have serious detrimental health effects, and can cause severe withdrawal symptoms in those trying to give up the popular drink.

According to the Journal of the Hawaiian Medical Association, between 34 and 44 percent of young adults drink Manimal at least once a day. In addition, at least half of those polled say they consume between 4-6 cans daily. “That’s an irresponsible amount of caffeine, taurine, and other hazardous stimulants for a body to process,” says Chef Craig Hoomaau, a certified nutritionist and transpersonal plating-arts instructor at the Kokua Wellness Center and Spa.

“Kokua has always been about healing, and seeing so many of our neighbors trying to walk through their life’s journey burdened with the heavy weight of Manimal addiction, we knew we had to act. Unlike normal caffeine withdrawal which causes little more than headaches or an inability to concentrate, patients suffering from Manimal withdrawal often experience: uncontrollable muscle spasms similar to restless leg syndrome, dysphoria, an intense urge to run or jump, nausea and vomiting, a craving for carbonated beverages, heart palpitations, and a need to let out a primal scream. Severe cases can lead to liver failure, seizures, and psychotic episodes. We have developed an all natural way to cleanse the body of Manimal poisons. By boosting your own immune responses through tonal treatments, aural bathing, facilitated napping, and herbal replacement therapy, we are offering the first all natural Manimal detox program in the world.”

Hoomaau claims that over a dozen customers have signed up for the cleansing already, but health care professionals remain skeptical about the condition and the cure. Dr. Dalia Forsythe, director of the Lahiana Medical Center says, “We have no proof that Manimal addiction is anything other than an addiction to caffeine. Unfortunately, I believe Manimal is a victim of its own popularity in this case. We don’t hear about addiction to other energy drinks that contain similar ingredients. As far as a system to “detox” your body goes, well that is complete fantasy. The body already has its own complex purification system. No amount of bell ringing or basil chewing is going to remove more toxins from your body than your kidneys and liver. This is just the modern equivalent of the lemon juice and cayenne pepper cleanses that were so popular in the early 2000’s.”

However, some applaud Kokua’s new program and wish it had been available earlier. One of the most vocal Manimal critics in the addiction debate is 31-year-old Steven Nauwe. The dog walker and groomer made national headlines in the Spring of 2027 after his Manimal addiction led to multisystem organ failure. Nauwe was airlifted to The Queens Medical Center in Honolulu, where he would spend close to a month recovering.

“At the height of my problem I was drinking at least 20 cans a day. Almost dying was obviously terrible, but little did I know the worst was yet to come. Being without Manimal that first week in the hospital was horrendous. The doctors kept saying my discomfort was due to my system trying to restart itself, but deep down in my bones and my spleen, I knew it was the lack of Manimal. It had a hold on me like a wrestler, and I was almost down for the count. Kicking Manimal was the hardest thing I’ve ever done next to grooming the Driscol’s cats. I can’t express how grateful I am that Kokua has taken the issues of Manimal addiction seriously, and are offering a detox program to aid those suffering from withdrawal.”

Manimal CEO Spencer Kane acknowledges that long-time drinkers may experience headaches or minor irritability when going cold turkey, but says that the allegations of more serious effects are simply not true. “I’ve checked with the company doctors and lawyers and we all agree; These allegations are stupid! The biggest thing that should concern you if you stop drinking Manimal is your output. This is a high performance drink for high performance people. To avoid the mild headaches that some regular drinkers can experience, we suggest you taper down your intake before quitting. When your engines are burning hot you have to gradually cool them down, even forged steel can crack a bit if you cool it down too fast. As always, we encourage our customers to enjoy our drink in radical moderation. Other than that, it’s all good.”