STORYLINE

Daredevil’s Attempt To Recreate Failed Stunt Hits Roadblock

For reality TV and streaming star Randy Wilcox, October 1st was going to be a day of redemption, a chance to recreate the stunt that almost took his life, hopefully with a different result this time. However, that chance to “make things right” as Wilcox says, has been put on hold after the Mayor’s Office has decided to withdraw their approval for his second attempt to leap off the Lahaina communications tower into a pool of Manimal. Spokesperson Ellen Pahili says that Mr. Wilcox has “failed to make any meaningful changes to the emergency plan filed with the county”, making the stunt too dangerous to attempt.

Everyone in Lahaina remembers where they were when they heard the news about the accident, and many witnessed it first hand. Well known for his many stunts, reality series, and backyard wrestling show, Wilcox is no stranger to the public eye. It came as no surprise that he would be the main attraction to close out Manimal’s, “Release the Beast Weekend.” Nonetheless, what he was proposing caused even his most diehard fans to pause.

Wilcox planned to climb Lahaina’s communication tower, light his fireproof jumpsuit on fire, run 30 feet down a zipline, and leap into a specially constructed pool of Manimal waiting below. Needless to say things did not go as planned. Now, almost five months later Wilcox says his quest for redemption is being blocked by bureaucrats.

“It took almost 4 months of procedures and therapy for me to get back to where I was. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, and the chance to make the jump again was the only thing that kept me going,” Wilcox says.

“I hadn’t counted on the wind to be that strong. Everything was going as planned until I started to freefall. My cape was catching a lot of air, and I could tell it was pushing me off course. I tried to take it off, but I wasn’t fast enough. I landed on the edge, and heard the bones in my back and pelvis break before I felt them. My momentum spun me head first into the pool while I was screaming. If that wasn’t bad enough, I now know that Manimal is a non-Newtonian fluid at certain temperatures, so even the liquid was harder than I had anticipated. I got a big mouthful before I could take a breath, but at least it put out the fire. I couldn’t move, I was broken, and drowning in a pool of energy drink, but the last thing I thought before blacking out was, ‘Well Randy, you’re just going to have to try and do this without the cape next time.’ That’s exactly what I plan to do.”

Despite his eagerness, the mayor’s office is not sold on a second attempt. They point out that Mr. Wilcox isn’t even done with rehab yet, has made no material changes to the stunt, and has not filed the proper emergency/safety plans necessary for a permit. “We aren’t doing this to further injure Randy. We’re doing it to help him. We have a duty to protect the citizens of Maui, even if it is from themselves,” says spokesperson Ellen Pahili. “We all love watching Randy’s antics but this one is too much. We won’t help someone kill themselves over lost pride.”

Wilcox admits that recreating the stunt is personal for him, but says the jump is also about bigger ideals like courage, determination, and overcoming adversity. He adds that he plans to donate all proceeds from his second attempt to the Lahaina Fire Department and other first responders. “They are the best in the world,” he says. “Besides the Release the Beast jump, I have had a long and personal relationship over the years with Lahaina’s emergency services. They have helped me many times when things haven’t gone as planned. It’s only right that I give a little back. I hope I can reach an agreement with the Mayor’s Office. I’m doing this for everyone who’s been told that they can’t or shouldn’t set themselves on fire, and leap off a tower into a pool of energy drink, just because it almost killed them the last time.”

Many agree with Wilcox, and an online petition has been started asking the mayor to issue the required permit before the Oct. 1 deadline. Among his most vocal supporters is none other than Manimal CEO Spencer Kane. Kane says he is in awe at the speed of Wilcox’s recovery and determination. He says that Randy deserves a second chance at “awesomeness.”

“Randy has been a great customer over the years and is a perfect example of what can happen when maximum energy and hydration collides with total determination. Like everyone who watched the first jump, I was horrified, but I think Randy just let his inner beast a little too loose that day. I’m sure he’s tightened things up for this time around. I’m not a doctor, but I’ve heard it theorized that Randy’s amazing recovery was in part due to his immediate immersion in Manimal. Some say that the energy boosting chemicals and compounds helped support him, and gave his failing systems the extra push they needed to keep going. I hate to think what might have happened if he had crashed into a pool of lesser drink. Manimal was there for him that day, and we plan on being there for him on the first.”

STORYLINE

Kalani Beach renaming ceremony held as statue controversy continues to build

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A section of beach was renamed in honor of Layla Kalani this morning. Almost 2 months ago, a wide-ranging search was officially ended after a storm capsized a vessel that the surfing champion was aboard. In the subsequent hours after the accident, Kalani would make multiple trips back to the partially submerged vessel, ferrying survivors to safety on a damaged surfboard. The story has gripped the hearts of people around the world and inspired a number of tributes for the Manimal spokesperson. However, not all the tributes have been well received.

During the Maui leg of her farewell tour, Kalani returned to the Lahaina beach where she rose to fame in 2023. Mayor Albert Cravalho renamed it in her honor today in a small ceremony attended by family and friends. He told those assembled,

“I’ve known Layla for a long time. I had the pleasure of watching her grow from a delightful little girl into the amazing woman we all knew, loved, and respected. She was a true sistah of Lahaina. All week I’ve heard people say, “Kalani kept kicking” out of respect for her bravery and selflessness. Perhaps that is her most important legacy, an enduring example of not giving up, even in the face of a seemingly impossible task. I know that Layla would probably be embarrassed about this ceremony and the fact that she has a beach named after her in her home town. She’d say that she only did what anyone else would do in the same situation. As if saving the lives of eight people by swimming through a storm after your boat sinks is something that happens everyday. That’s just who she was, a brave and beautiful original who will be greatly missed. I hope that giving this beach her name helps future generations remember her sacrifice and reminds them how important it is to never give in to doubt or despair. When all hope was lost, Kalani kept kicking. She was an inspiration to us all.”

While many supported the renaming ceremony, not every tribute has garnered public support. In particular, a statue donated to the West Maui Children’s Hospital by the Manimal corporation has been called a “thirty-foot monument to tone-deafness” and has many residents asking, “What were they thinking?”

For years Kalani had donated most of her free time to working with children at the hospital. She made sure there was always enough Manimal to drink, taught the kids how to surf, and offered an open invitation to her movie premieres and special events for all the kids who were able to attend. Layla had become an important fixture at the hospital and her loss was especially hard for patients and employees alike. That’s why senior staff and the administration say they were thrilled when approached by Manimal about donating a statue in her honor. However, many say their exhilaration turned to disbelief when the tribute was unveiled.

Measuring slightly over 30 feet, the monument is topped by a statue depicting a kicking and grim-faced Layla gripping a damaged surfboard. The base has numerous Manimal drinking fountains and so many high-powered floodlights that it can be seen all the way from Front Street. Residents immediately complained about the statue saying, “She looks crazy up there. Like a giant angry streetlight!” The hospital has taken issue with the number of insects that the lights and free-flowing Manimal attract on a daily basis. But it is the inscription on the base that everyone seems to find the most egregious. A play on the “Kalani kept kicking” motto that has spread across the island, the inscription reads, “Keep Kicking Kids!”

“It’s tasteless obviously,” says Preservation Zone Compliance Officer Elizabeth Stonegate, a vocal critic of the Kalani statue. Stonegate says that she doesn’t understand how the tribute got beyond the planning stage and has numerous issues with the monument.

“I’m going to carefully review the permit application submitted by Manimal. While the eyesore is not strictly within the preservation zone, it is attracting an inordinate number of insects and protected species that feed on them. But more importantly, I have to wonder about celebrating someone with such poor judgement in the first place. Ms. Kalani had no training in rescuing anyone from a pool let alone a stormy ocean at night. As far as any of us know, those people would have been just fine if they waited for a qualified rescue by people who get paid to pluck survivors from the water. The only thing we know for sure is: it cost her her life, and wasted hundreds of Coast Guard hours that could have been used for better things. I don’t think heading out for a 3 mile swim in rough seas, when you’re already tired, is the kind of decision making we should be holding up as an example for our children. I know we shouldn’t be erecting 30’ monuments to that kind of carelessness.”

Manimal CEO Spencer Kane says he doesn’t know what all the anger is about.

“The backlash has hit us like a rogue wave. I think she looks fierce, like the warrior she was. I find it hard to believe that some of the kids are scared of the statue. Our love for Layla was larger than life and we wanted a monument that matched those feelings. That’s why we spent so much money on a lighting system that was second to none. Each of the main lights produce 6 million candle power, that’s as much as your standard WWII searchlight. We’ve offered to electrify them to help combat the insects, but nobody seems interested in working with us. Another point that I think has been missed in the media, is that we’re committed to keeping the Manimal fountains flowing for the life of the company. That could be millions in free Manimal eventually. If that doesn’t properly express how serious we are about this tribute, I don’t know what can. I’ve heard that some of the parents have complained about the inscription, that’s why we’ve offered to add a comma to make the message more clear. Honestly, I don’t know what else we can do.”

STORYLINE

Search for surfing champion Layla Kalani is officially called off

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All of Lahaina is in mourning today as the Coast Guard officially announced the end of its search for actress, surfing champion, and Womanimal spokesperson Layla Kalani. The surfing legend has been missing 6 days with no sign of her found yet. The announcement was expected, but has still sent shockwaves through the sporting world. Layla would have turned 50 last week.

It was supposed to be the final jewel in the crown of the surfing queen. Often athletes have a hard time with the idea of retirement, but Layla decided on going out big. Her plan was to spend the days leading up to her 50th birthday paddling her board to all the Hawaiian islands. Her production company and a small Manimal crew would film her surfing each island, and her journey, for a documentary about her life.

Starting in Kailua Kona on the big island, Kalani had made it past Molokai and was heading towards Kailua when the trouble began. According to investigators, unbeknownst to the crew of Layla’s support boat, a crack had formed in the freshwater tank, filling the spaces between the hull and making the vessel extremely unbalanced. Layla was onboard having a meal when a rogue storm hit. The boat capsized before anyone could call for help.

The survivors say Kalani took charge immediately and they credit her with their lives. According to a member of the film crew.

“Before we knew it we were in the water. The front of Layla’s board was cracked and the boat was almost upside down. I’m not the best swimmer and I thought I was done, but Layla helped me climb higher up the hull and told me to keep kicking if I slipped down. I told her I couldn’t swim, but she told me it would be alright, “just keep kicking”. She helped a couple of us on her board and said she’d be back. After a while she returned for another board full. She said the same thing each time, “keep kicking”. Eventually it was my turn. I’m not sure how long it took for her to get us all to the beach, it seemed like days. I thought that she’d gotten everyone, but a couple of PA’s went for help when they got to the beach so our final count was short. Layla said she was going back out to the boat to make sure nobody was left behind. By that time the sun was coming up. Kalani kept kicking all night for the crew. That was the last we saw of her, kicking the broken board that saved us all back out there, towards the rising sun. I’ll never forget that image.”

Officially declared lost at sea, Kalani’s life and heroic end was the topic of every discussion in the news this morning. Many of her competitors and celebrities have sent their condolences to her friends and family, as well as expressing shock and sadness over her loss. CEO of Manimal Spencer Kane seemed especially hard hit over the news. Unable to talk at a scheduled press conference this afternoon, a spokesperson read his statement which said in part, “When I met Layla she was just a teenager. We were just a small group of people who had a dream to make the best sports drink the world had ever seen. She was just a kid with a dream of being the world’s best surfer. We took a chance on her, and she took a chance on us. I thought she was special when we first met but when I watched her jump on that shark I knew I was right. That was when millions of others learned what I knew about Layla. She helped make Manimal what it is today. I’m so bummed that I cancelled our annual corporate wakeboarding event this afternoon. It’s going to be a while before I can handle gnarly waves again. Her actions after the accident don’t surprise me, Kalani kept kicking like a Womanimal until the end.”

STORYLINE

New Manimal Drink Helps Fuel Couple’s Unlikely Rescue

A pair of extreme tree climbers were saved over the weekend after falling, and suffering serious injuries late Friday night. 27-year-old Craig Hema and his wife 25-year-old Brook, suffered broken bones and internal injuries after a failed attempt to climb Okilani, an ancient Ohi’a tree in the news recently because of its amazing growth spurt. However, it’s not the couples accident that has caught the public’s attention, it is how the pair, with the help of a new Manimal formula, saved themselves from a potentially deadly situation.

Maui has become a hotspot for recreational tree climbers over the past few years. With the discovery of many unusually large trees in remote locations, like the venerable Okilani, and the abundance of huge banyans across the island, climbers from around the world are seeking out the challenges offered by the Hawaiian wilds. Extreme free-climbing enthusiasts, the Hema’s have climbed virtually everything over the years from buildings, bridges, to mountains, but it is huge trees that have grabbed their attention lately. “It was our dream to climb every species over 130 feet tall. When we read about Okilani, we packed our gear, our Manimal Black, and bought tickets to Maui,” says Brook.

With a map to the ancient tree’s location purchased from a local, and one of the public Manimal ATVs, the pair set off to find their target. “The map wasn’t exactly accurate. By time we found her, it was already getting dark, and our ATV had died,” says Craig. “We had less than an hour of light left and heck of a long hike in the morning, so I decided we should hurry up and climb. That was a huge mistake.”

During their climb a branch broke under Brook, causing her to fall on Craig, and bringing both tumbling to the ground. Brook suffered a sprained knee, a broken hand, and multiple contusions, Craig however was not so lucky. A broken pelvis and multiple rib fractures made it almost impossible for the 27-year-old climber to move. Knowing that they would have to spend the night, Brook started a fire to see them through until morning.

“It was so cold that night, and I was having a hard time keeping Craig awake. I was afraid that if he fell asleep, he wouldn’t wake up. Luckily, we had plenty of Manimal Black to keep us awake. I knew that there was no chance he’d fall asleep pumped with so many energy charged chemicals coursing through him. Even though the bottle says not to drink more than one can every six hours, I gave him three to pound in a row. It worked! We made it through the night, and by morning Craig was really jittery and anxious to leave. Since a god portion of the way out was going to be downhill, my plan was to put him on the ATV and push him as far as I could before going out on my own for help. I packed up our stuff and poured some of the Manimal on the fire and something amazing happened. Instead of putting it out, the fire flamed up, singeing my hair. That gave me an idea.”

“When Brook said she was going to pour the rest of our Manimal Black into the ATV’s emergency tank, I told her it would never work. I’ve never been so glad to be wrong,” says Craig. “I couldn’t believe it when the motor turned over, even if it sounded terrible. The engine was knocking, it would backfire a cloud of really sour smelling fumes every now and then, and the air around us tasted like salt, but it was definitely running. We had to go slow because every bump was agony, and the engine light came on almost right away, but we made it to a main road right before the engine seized. I’ll never go anywhere again without a Manimal Black in my bag. I truly believed in saved my life,” adds Craig.

The couple were treated at the Lahaina Medical center, where Craig remains due to the severity of his injuries. DLNR Senior Investigator Greg Iona has ticketed the pair for the damage caused to Okilani, but says the tree will survive. “This is a living thing that has been around for over 4,000 years. It has seen the rise and fall of countless governments and civilizations. It has seen amazing leaps in science and technology, and the worst follies of man. Above all, it deserves to not be treated as someone’s personal jungle gym. It deserves our respect. I’m glad that the only thing permanently damaged in this case was the ATVs engine, but we can not allow the exploitation of protected flora on the island. I hope they’ve learned their lesson.”

Manimal CEO Spencer Kane, on the other hand, says that the Hema’s story is an inspiration, and he’s glad that Manimal was there when they needed it.

“Manimal Black is the most powerful energy drink ever created. There’s a reason the label says: Do not drink more than 1 can every 6 hours, not suitable for children, pregnant woman, and those sensitive to extreme hydration. We warn about jitters, unusual redness, dizziness and hot flashes, but I guess we’re going to have to add something about keeping it away from open flames,” he jokes. “In all seriousness, Manimal Black promises that it’s an overly salted, aggressively sour lemon/lime…..punch to the face. Sometimes in a crisis that’s exactly what you need. I’m glad Manimal Black could help the Hemas make it through what could have been a really dark day. We wish them many more awesome adventures with a can of Manimal by their side. Manimal Black is the perfect fuel for peak human performance, however, our legal department feels it’s necessary for me to point out that it should never be used as a fuel or fuel additive in any vehicle. It can cause misfires, reduced engine power, knocking, valve fouling, catalytic poisoning, it can act as a solvent, and can potentially cause permanent damage to your vehicle.”

STORYLINE

Pu’u Resource Officer Accused of Illegally Selling Manimal To Students

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In an attempt to promote healthier diets for students, and curtail disruptions in the classroom, Hawaii banned the sales of sodas, energy drinks, and high fat snacks in all public schools last year. Now, 31-year-old Pu’u resource officer Alice Kohole stands accused of not only disregarding the ban, but running an elaborate network of student distributors inside the school. She has been suspended without pay pending the outcome of an investigation.

Last Spring, the Department of Health kicked off their “Healthy Hawaii” campaign. designed to give Hawaiians easy access to healthy food and beverages choices. Many companies participated in the program and eventually the guidelines were adopted by Maui public schools, but according to reports, Kohole didn’t get the memo.

School officials and police became aware of the situation this month when a now-retired resource officer accused Alice of running a Manimal selling network inside Pu’u High. According to records uncovered by the Lahaina Advertiser, Kohole had been selling Manimal to students inside the school for months. Using a number of holding lockers, empty desks, backpacks left around the campus, and a handful of student “distributors,” the officer sold thousands of dollars worth of Manimal and other contraband snacks to Pu’u students.

Over 300 cans of Manimal were confiscated from school grounds, and Kohole has been put on unpaid leave, while investigators look into the case. According to many students, it was well known that “Manimal Alice” was selling the drinks, but they were surprised at the extent of the operation.

Pu’u Principal Pa’ani Mahelona says he is beyond disgusted by Kohole’s actions, and embarrassed that the beverage black market was operating so openly. He says the school has sent letters to parents explaining the situation, and will be hosting a town hall style meeting to answer any lingering questions or concerns parents might have about overstimulated students.

“Since the ban on sugary foods and energy drinks was enacted, we’ve seen an increase in attendance and test scores. At the same time conflicts between students and disciplinary actions have dropped. Many of those gains began to disappear during this last semester, and now we know why. I’m appalled at the actions of officer Kohole. I knew her personally, and can’t imagine what led her to this terrible decision. Worst of all is how blatant her actions were. Many parents have expressed concerns about more dangerous things like drugs and alcohol being sold in the open as well. Let me assure you that is not the case. Part of the way Alice was able to get away with what she did is the innocuous perception of Manimal in the classroom.”

The revelation has stirred outrage in many parents, but some students and Manimal fans say the issue is being blown out of proportion, citing that it is perfectly legal for students to buy and drink Manimal off campus. Spencer Kane, Manimal founder and CEO, is among those saying Kohole’s actions are a non-story. Kane says the real story is the Healthy Hawaii campaign itself, and a school system stuck in the past.

“I’ll admit that we’re best known for giving energy to free climbers, champion surfers, cliff divers, and daredevils of all kind, but Manimal also provides fuel for radical learners and extreme intellectuals. We’re proud to support: elite mathletes, spelling bee royalty, model UN heroes, and masters of memory. We consider these special people to be just as much a part of our family as any wingsuit enthusiast, or endurance runner.

The brain needs fuel just like any other muscle. The rigors and reality of the modern educational system demands a fuel a little stronger than water. The days of juice and cookies are over. Today’s students need something to help unlock their intellectual beasts, and nothing gets all your synapses firing like a cold Manimal. Instead of punishing this poor officer, we should be giving her an excellence in extreme education award.”

STORYLINE

Lahaina To Host 5th Annual Manimal Cocktail Championships

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Lahaina will once again become the center of the energy drink cocktail universe this weekend, as it hosts the 5th annual Manimal Cocktail Championships. The contest brings in hundreds vying for the prize, and thousands of spectators clamoring to see and taste the contestant’s creations. The winner receives bragging rights, and the title of World Champion, as well as having their drink permanently listed in the official Manimal Cocktail Guide. The competition begins this evening, and the drinks will flow until the champion is crowned Sunday afternoon.

Hundreds of barkeeps, tapsters, victuallers, mixologists, and lovers of liquid energy in a collins glass, will descend on Lahaina this evening to see who can create the finest cocktail utilizing Hawaii’s favorite energy drink. The three day competition consists of four preliminary contests leading up to the championship round. Participants in the: Before Dinner Cocktail, Short Drink, Long Drink, and After Dinner Cocktail rounds are judged on taste, presentation, radical garnishing, and originality. The winners come together on Sunday with their finest creations to see whose drink will join the: Lahaina Sunrise, Sloe SSHAM Fizz, Pineapple Mantini, and the Abramo Bomber, in Manimal’s official guide to cocktails.

While there are plenty of contestants from around the world, most of the attention this weekend will be on two-time champion Olive “Shakes” Leroux, and last year’s winner and local favorite, “Soda” Sam Ona. Having both won the competition twice, many see this year as the deciding factor in who is truly the greatest Manimal cocktail creator.

Experts say that Leroux, known for her strong tumbler work, has been focusing on her pouring flare and better pairing of Manimal flavors with specific spirits. “Soda” Sam says he knows he has his hands full with everyone in the competition, but acknowledges that he has his eye on Olive. “There’s no doubt she’s my toughest competition. I know they take Manimal and drinking almost as seriously in Baton Rouge as they do here in Maui, but I won last year, and I plan on taking the title again this weekend. As everyone knows I like blending local flavors in my drinks, and I’ve expanded my garnish game into non-edibles to allow more intricate designs and artistry. As long as none of the judges chip a tooth, I’m confident I’ll come home with the title again.”

With the electricity of competition, and the smell of Manimal in the air, many are gearing up for what has traditionally been a wild weekend. Mayor Albert Cravalho says the county is prepared for the worst, but hoping for the best.

“I think it’s no secret to anyone that this is one of my least favorite events. While we love our hometown energy drink, and all the wonderful things Manimal has done to support the community, there have been numerous company events and promotions that have caused a lot of trouble for first responders and hurt Lahaina’s image. Last year we had the incident where a contestant gained access to the emergency alert system to let everyone know that Lahaina was “officially drunk and hydrated,” and we learned after the first year that we have to disable the public ATVs during the event for public safety. The confluence of unreasonable energy drink consumption, and excessive use of alcohol is a terrible idea, but the people seem to love it, so with the help of more than a dozen Hailoha drivers hired by the city to shuttle fans to and from the competition, the show will unfortunately go on.”

Manimal CEO Spencer Kane says he understands Mayor Cravalho’s trepidation about the event, and points out that the company has paid for an increased police presence this year, and doubled the number of lifeguards working the area beaches. The company has also added new warnings and code of conduct guidelines to all promotional materials. “We are specifically asking all spectators and participants to “Please, Be Cool!” We’ve added it in big letters at the beginning of all of our promos, and the front of our flyers, so I’m pretty sure this year will be much more manageable, but still extreme enough to represent what Manimal is all about,” says Kane.

“Throughout the year much of our marketing is geared towards extreme athletes. We celebrate those individuals who push their limits every day, but let’s be honest, lots of people just like the extra kick our drink gives to their favorite adult beverage. Being a Maui based company we like to think of our customers as family, and every family has a few drinkers. This event, pushing the limits of mixology, and celebrating the hair of the dog, is for them.”

STORYLINE

Cocktail-Mixing Truck Serves up Manimal Drinks Around Lahaina

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The 5th annual Manimal Cocktail Championships are being held this weekend in Lahaina, and that means one of the most controversial aspects of the competition has started prowling the streets this morning. For the next few days Manimal’s huge cocktail mixing “Jacked Truck” will give locals, tourists, and enthusiasts alike a taste of what they can expect to enjoy during the celebration. Despite numerous complaints last year, and a vigorous campaign from critics, the mayor’s office has given the green light to the iconic symbol of the cocktail championships.

In some parts of the mainland the returning of the robins marks the beginning of spring, in other areas the turning of the leaves ushers in the fall, but in Lahaina, the appearance of Manimal’s “Jacked Truck” is an undeniable sign that one of the most loved and hated events of the year is about to begin.

Holding 2,000 gallons of Manimal cocktails, the converted mixing truck roams Front Street and the roads along the beaches alike, offering anyone 21 or older a drink or two or three in order to “Get Jacked!” about the competition. Manimal CEO Spencer Kane drove the truck for its maiden voyage of the year down Front Street this morning. “I’m always impressed by the response we get from our fans when they see the Jacked Truck. It’s become a really iconic part of the cocktail championships,” he says.

“When we began converting the mixer that would become the Jacked Truck, I was skeptical. First, I wasn’t super sure that people would really want to have a drink from something that was used to mix cement. Second, I worried that the cocktails wouldn’t be safe to drink or even taste good, and lastly I wasn’t sure what the regulatory agencies would say about driving around and distributing thousands of gallons of mixed drinks to the public. To my surprise everything went down as smooth as a Sloe SSHAM Fizz. The public went crazy for the truck, the biggest problem we had was keeping it filled. Everyone wanted a chance to drink straight from the chute, and the rates of hospitalizations were fairly consistent with previous years. While we can’t allow chute drinking anymore, the public response is still overwhelmingly positive. This year we’re hauling nothing but Lahaina Sunrises, the winning drink from last year, and expect to go through over 10,000 gallons this week.”

While it is true that the truck is one of the highlights of the event, it has always driven with a good deal of controversy trailing behind. A petition drive threatened to put the vehicle on blocks, but mayor Albert Cravalho was able to broker a last minute compromise that allowed Manimal to keep the truck on the road this year.

“I have the greatest respect for Mr. Kane and Manimal as a company. They have been a great partner in a number of endeavors and really came to the rescue after the devastation caused by hurricane Neki. However, the Jacked Truck has always made me cringe a little. I understand the public’s concerns, and to be honest we had a number of concerns ourselves. Above and beyond the worry about what sort of message having a commercial vehicle, filled with alcoholic beverages driving around distributing drinks to the masses sends to the public, we were very worried about the use of the chute, and over-serving. I’m proud to announce that we have come to an agreement that I think everyone can live with. Manimal will now use a number of hoses to deliver drinks instead of the chute, and drivers will carry at least 4 cases of water inside the cab at all times to offer a non-alcoholic option to those who’ve had too much already. It’s this kind of common sense cooperation that got me into politics to begin with, and makes Manimal such a valued part of the Lahaina community.”

Mayor Cravalho may be pleased with the agreement and new safety protocol, but people on either side of the issue say they are still not happy. Critics say the Jacked Truck sends a horrible message to children about alcohol and is a danger to the public, even with the new restrictions. Others like Lahaina resident Randy Wilcox, say banning drinking straight from the chute is an attack on their freedoms. “I mean what’s the point of filling up a mixing truck with booze if you and your buddies can’t try to gulp down a torrent flying down the chute,” he says.

“I had hoped that the Jacked Truck would be able to drive right through this bubble wrapped society, but I guess I was wrong. I suppose the next thing the safety police will want is to ban bottles and glasses during cocktail week to keep their feet safe from shards of glass. The whole point of this week is to celebrate the Manimal lifestyle, and enjoy what true freedom feels like. Sometimes it’s great, and sometimes it’s a hunk of glass in your foot. That’s life. Take this whole chute thing. It’s ridiculous! A few years ago I had started the week a little too strong, and had passed out on bench downtown. I was so out of it that I didn’t even hear the beeping as the truck backed up towards me. My buddies helped the driver line up the chute over my head and the BAM! About 10 gallons of Abramo Bomber poured all over me. I inhaled a bunch of it and I almost had to go to the hospital, but I pulled it together and learned the most important lesson of cocktail week, “Never be the first one of your friends to fall asleep.” Life’s all about lessons and the only way to learn those lessons is to take off your helmet and elbow pads and survive them pouring down a chute over your head.”

STORYLINE

Manimal Ends Free Drinks for Life Promotion After Too Many Fans Get Tattoos

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Manimal has been forced to cancel a promotion offering free Manimal for life to Hawaiians willing to get a tattoo of “Major”, the company’s mascot, displayed in a prominent place on their bodies. The company claims it was unprepared for the number of fans wishing to participate, as well as complaints about a handful of teenagers getting tattoos in order to receive free drinks. Company CEO Spencer Kane says he regrets having to end the program, and hopes customers will understand.

The promotion was supposed to be simple. Get a tattoo of Major. Post a picture of it on social media tagging the company. Get 30 cans of Manimal every month for the next 100 years. However, the company was caught flat-footed just weeks after the initial announcement, when they were flooded by fans of tasty energy in a can, proudly displaying their tattoos. Over 10,000 Hawaiians got inked in the first few days alone, forcing the company to end the offer. “We were a victim of our own success,” says Kane.

“First and foremost I want to give a shout-out to everyone who was willing to permanently show their love for our drink on their body. To be honest, we were super surprise that so many of you were willing to have Major looking back at you in the mirror. In addition, we didn’t think it was physically possible for so many of you to get tatted up so quickly. Our bad. I know that we haven’t always had the best batting average with some of our promotions, but I feel like we hit this one out of the park. Unfortunately, it drifted foul. I’m meeting with our marketing and legal teams all week to figure out how we’ll make it up to everyone who got inked. Don’t worry; we’ll take another swing at it soon.”

While the promotion has been breaking the Manimal bank, it has been a boon for the island’s tattoo parlors and artists. Well-known body modifier and artist Rowan Hardy says his shop has been fully booked since the promotion began, but says he has mixed emotions about today’s announcement. “There’s no doubt that business has never been better. We haven’t even had time for walk-ins for months. It’s just too bad that everyone wants Major on their body for some free drinks. As an artist, it’s a little disappointing to see people fill in their canvas with something so commercial. When they come in I try to convince them to get forehead studs, a tongue splitting, or a full neck piece instead. You know, something they won’t look back on with regret down the road, but you have to please the customer. I just hope Manimal makes it right. There’s a lot of angry advertisements walking around Lahaina right now.”

Hardy isn’t exaggerating. Social media has not been kind to Manimal, or Kane himself following the cancellation announcement. The Manimal website has been down all day due to an attack, and many are threatening to sue the company for removal of their tattoos, as well as punitive damages. A handful of Hawaiians say the promotion caused their underage children to get Major tattoos, with one Lahaina resident saying her child’s Manimal tattoo forced her to leave her home.

Shelby Pio says she was livid when her 16-year-old son came home with a Major tattoo

“I think Manimal has to take some of the responsibility. This promotion has turned our home upside down. The company is obviously targeting impressionable and impulsive kids. When Eric came home with that thing tattooed on both cheeks, I just about lost it. His father and I couldn’t believe that he’d do something so stupid for an energy drink. Worse yet was when our HOA president saw it. Tanager Lane rules have a provision barring anyone with a face tattoo from residing in the neighborhood. Eric and I have been forced to stay at my sister’s house until we can get it removed. It’s very troubling that the company and Mr. Kane seem unwilling to acknowledge their culpability in this matter, almost as troubling as having your teenager come home with a face tattoo.”

STORYLINE

Manimal Jelly Is the Condiment You Didn’t Know You Needed

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For millions of us, there’s nothing better in the morning than a slice of toast with some quality grape or strawberry jelly spread on top. The sugar and carbs paired with a caffeinated beverage is a trusted combination to start your day, but what if you could skip the coffee and get a caffeine kick on your toast? A new Jelly from Manimal aims to “Shake-Up The Breakfast Table!” Made from the popular energy drink, Manimal Jelly pledges to “zap some energy into the laziest meal of the day.” With energy drink consumption at an all-time high however, some are wondering if the public really needs another way to consume Manimal.

This is not Manimal’s first foray into the world of food. The company’s Manimal infused Turbo Ham changed everyone’s “preconceived notions about lunch meat” a few years ago and has gone on to be one of the most popular products at Big Bites Stores across the island. Nonetheless, health advocates say Manimal Jelly is different. While the ham contains only trace amounts of Manimal, the new jelly contains large quantities of potentially dangerous chemicals and seems to be targeted at children.

Manimal CEO Spencer Kane takes issue with the jelly ingredients being labeled as potentially dangerous but admits that the jelly wasn’t originally created with children in mind. “When I first approached the guys with the idea I had an extreme personal lubricant in mind, but after a little back and forth we decided to keep it super tasteful instead,” he says.

“Manimal Jelly knows no restrictions including age, but we think kids, in particular, will love the flavor and burst of energy it provides. Most cereals are absolutely loaded with sugar. While that does help children ride a sugar rush into class, it’s a short run. Most kids crash before lunch and struggle in the second half of the day. For far too long this was the best that they could hope for but not anymore. Manimal Jelly climbs that mountain of sugar and plants a flag of energy on top. Pound for pound it has all the caffeine and other natural ingredients as Manimal drink, exactly what a kid needs to keep their fire burning. Students fueled with Manimal Jelly instead of a boring bowl breakfast can pay attention well into the afternoon, hours after their peers have crashed. We live in a time that demands better breakfast options and I’ll just say it. It’s stupid to start your day any other way!”

Unfortunately for Mr. Kane Not everyone agrees piling caffeine, guarana, and taurine on top of sugar is the best thing for children. Pa’ani Mahelona, Principal of Lahaina’s Pu’u High School, says that the jelly has become an issue for the school’s no Manimal on campus policy. Mahelona like many critics says that Manimal Jelly creates a new problem rather than fixing one. He adds, “It’s really forced us to divert valuable resources to keep it off campus and we’ve urged our parents to save it for the weekends.”

“Earlier this year we became a Manimal-free campus and the results were amazing. Test scores and attendance are up, and incidents of fighting and climbing the building are dramatically down. While we recognize that it is every parent’s right to choose what is consumed in their house, there is no denying that Manimal is bad for a productive learning environment. In the past, it was relatively easy to spot a container of Manimal and confiscate it. The jelly has presented a much bigger problem. We recently found a student selling packets of jelly to classmates in her economics class. While we appreciated that she recognized an item of value, calculated a price point that maximized her profits, and established a sustainable supply chain, we were forced to confiscate the jelly and suspend her for five days. We take the rules seriously at Pu’u and urge parents to remind their kids to leave the Manimal in every form at home.”

Of course Manimal Jelly isn’t just for kids. Many Manimal fans both young and old are thrilled to have their favorite energy drink available in another form. One such fancier is on the older end of the spectrum, Lahaina icon Malie Kahiko. The 110-year-old star of the hit show Malie’s List says she’s a fan of the jelly but urges moderation.

“We didn’t know what Myrtle had waiting for us when she said she had something special for the shortcake at the next bridge club meeting, but some of us weren’t ready for the jolt we got that morning. I immediately suspected the mystery topping was Manimal jelly because pineapple jam doesn’t make Myrtle shake like that. Even though my doctor doesn’t like it, I have an occasional Manimal when I feel like it. I generally don’t have more than one because it can give me heart palpitations especially if I haven’t taken my medication, but the jelly hit like a ton of bricks.

I’m not sure if it was all the sugar or that we didn’t know what it was at first but it really got us going. It wasn’t long before the cards were down and we were all up and about. Myrtle and Clair were the first to race their scooters down the driveway but soon all of us with wheels were taking runs. A few of the gals tried to get a lindy contest going but it’s hard to dip that low with a walker. I’m used to doing crazy things on my show but a lot of these ladies aren’t. I can’t begin to guess how many tires and hips needed replacing at the end of it all. It was an afternoon to remember that’s for sure, I’d just suggest taking it easy until you know how much jelly is right for you.”

STORYLINE

Arrest Highlights Problem With People Living In Lahaina’s Drainage System

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Authorities arrested 38-year-old Sam Pilikia Tuesday for allegedly attempting to steal building supplies and fleeing from officers. While a simple theft may not be especially newsworthy, Sam’s story has garnered a lot of attention. Pilikia is one of dozens living in the drainage system underneath Lahaina and claims he and his “neighbors” needed the construction materials to prepare for an upcoming apocalypse. Many are now calling for officials to take action and help provide permanent housing and medical services for those living in the tunnels.

Squatter settlements seem to be inevitable in many large cities, and despite the beautiful scenery, Lahaina is no exception. Thousands of residents found themselves displaced after the devastation of hurricane Neki last year and many who lost everything like Pilikia have not recovered. Friends say that Sam’s life began to spiral out of control after a work accident in 2043 where he was exposed to large amounts of 127, the element used in veil travel. He made an amazing recovery but had trouble finding a job due to the lingering effects of his injuries. Family members say he began to talk about a coming catastrophe that would wipe out civilization and became obsessed with doomsday scenarios. Despite their best efforts to get him help Sam disappeared. They had no idea where he had gone until his arrest at the Kalipalani Construction lot.

“I noticed a new guy was in the yard loading up a pallet with paver stones when I got in,” says Ronnie Kalipalani. Although he didn’t recognize Mr. Pilikia the owner of Kalipalani Construction says he just thought Sam was a new hire trying to make a good impression on his first day.

“I couldn’t believe that someone actually showed up before 8 am. I mean I was just in on time because the AC went out at home and I couldn’t sleep. I figured he must be one of Mark’s friends who needed some work. I watched him load stuff up and organize stone for almost an hour while the rest of my crew rolled in. We were all just sitting there trying to work up the energy to head out to our first job for the day when I thought I’d go out and say Aloha. I asked his name but he ignored me. I asked again a little louder and he stopped what he was doing and asked me if I know how to make a speargun out of a ukulele. Before I could answer he starts going on about how we didn’t have much time and needed to build a secure base. He was talking about the world ending, monsters in the jungle, and how important it was to burn up bodies before they attracted predators.

He rambled on like that for a few minutes and I could tell he was getting really worked up about it. After listening for a while I was positive he was one of Mark’s buddies. I’ve heard some crazy things at Mark’s house, I mean the kind of things that most people just keep to themselves. I went back inside the office and told everyone some of what he said. We were all having a good laugh until Mark showed up and asked who the new guy was. I don’t know much more about him other than he ran really fast when the cops came and that I’d love to offer him a job once he works out his personal and legal issues. He was a heck of a worker.”

Officials have charged Pilikia with trespassing and evading arrest, but advocates say Sam and many like him need housing and/or medical treatment, not incarceration. Ironically, one of the biggest rebuilding initiatives in Lahaina has fueled the homeless problem as dozens of the displaced have moved into the newly constructed Manimal drainage system.

“It’s a super sad situation,” says Manimal CEO Spencer Kane. “I guess we made the sewers and storm drains a little too nice.”

“For sure there are plenty of attractions down there. Part of our design goals was to give utility workers spots to unwind during their day. There are storage rooms with quarter pipes so workers can practice tricks, lots of stair rails to grind, and plenty of structures to practice parkour, but it’s not supposed to be a home. As amazing as it is you can’t live an amazing life down there even if you just stick to the greywater areas.

Our intentions were to provide Lahaina with the most radical drainage system in all of Hawaii. I promise that we hadn’t even thought that we might be making a base for a doomsday cult or anything like that. Manimal is an extreme drink but we’ve never been about extreme thinking. I hope we can figure out a solution for Sam and everyone else waiting for the world to end while camping out in the tunnels.”