Manimal To Rebuild Lahaina Drainage System Damaged By Hurricane Neki

Neki was a once-in-a-century hurricane, with record winds and tidal surges. The storm caused hundreds of millions of dollars in damages, and left thousands in its path without homes or utilities. The hurricane’s devastation has been unprecedented, but so has the vast outpouring of support to help rebuild Lahaina. While most of that has been in the form of food, water, and medical supplies, one company has promised to solve a major problem the county is facing after the storm. The Lahaina based Manimal corporation has offered to rebuild and improve the county’s combined sewer and storm drain system.

Many experts agree that the Lahaina drainage and sewer system was badly in need of an upgrade before Neki. The decades old system was outdated, and unable to keep up with the needs of a booming Lahaina. The hurricane only exacerbated existing issues, propelling them into the spotlight. The city says that by accepting the offer by Manimal, they will be able to return services much faster to the community, and avoid any secondary dangers that the broken system now presents. “While Manimal is rebuilding our wastewater system we can focus on clearing roads, providing shelter, and returning power to residents. It’s a matter of utilizing what resources we have in the best way possible,” says Mayor Albert Cravalho.

Manimal CEO Spencer Kane says that it’s an honor to help the town so instrumental in the story of the drink company.

“As the birthplace of Manimal, Lahaina will always hold a special place in our hearts. When we learned how much damage 100 mph winds can cause, we were blown away. It makes you really appreciate how dangerous ultimate windsurfing can be. I learned about the sewer issues when delivering some emergency Manimal for the relief effort. I couldn’t believe another potential disaster was just waiting in the wings, when it rains it pours! I knew we had do something, so I got together with our best people, and told the Mayor we’d help take care of it, in exchange for branding and marketing rights. He agreed, and our civil engineers have devised an extreme drainage system able to handle the most extreme weather, and I may be biased, but the manhole covers look great!”

A massive marketing campaign has already begun to drum up public support for the unusual agreement. Manimal is running a number of commercials about the project and branded manhole covers have already turned up in a few neighborhoods. While most are happy to have a working sewer as soon as possible, no matter who builds it, there are some who worry that the drink company might cause long-term damage to the system. One resident says, “I appreciate the offer but what does Manimal know about combined drainage systems? My cousin Randy basically lives on Manimal, and I wouldn’t put him in charge of stacking blocks, let alone building something we all count on. I can’t believe the mayor agreed to this! What’s next, the Hailoha Parks Department, or the Abramo Meat Police? Bringing in a B-list celebrity to go over a slide presentation won’t change my opinion on the project either.”

As part of the marketing campaign, Manimal has held a number of informational meetings, hosted by their spokesperson Tony “Half-Barrel” Kahale. Offering a chance to look at various manhole designs and mock-ups of the new system, the meetings have been a hit with residents who’ve been forced to live in shelters. “I’m just spreading a message of hope and hydration,” says Kahale. “As a 19 time World Manimal Drinking Champion, I know a lot about processing excessive amounts of fluids. Manimal and hurricanes can be almost as intense going out, as they are going in, and this new combined sewer design is up to the task. Our “Storm Off” inlets regulate the flow of runoff water to a level that even the old system could swallow, eliminating the chance of future flooding. Knowing how many people were injured because of a lack of emergency shelters, we’ve included a number of refuge rooms in our designs as well. Now, in an emergency, your safety is only a manhole cover away. Worried that you might get bored waiting out the emergency? Don’t be. Many rooms include things like short rails for grinding, quarter pipes to practice basic tricks, and plenty of free standing structures to practice your parkour. It’s our pleasure to provide the residents of Lahaina a sewer system as radical as their lives.”

Survivors Credit Manimal In Lahaina College Poisoning Incident

Maui Police say a woman is facing charges after allegedly poisoning her fellow students, and guests attending a sorority fund raiser on Sunday. Officials say they were called to the University of Maui Lahaina College because 20-year-old Holly Kalili was being accused of poisoning dozens of students and guest attending a charity auction. According to the report, many in attendance became violently ill after consuming food that Holly brought. While a handful are still being treated at the Lahaina Medical Center for high levels of thallium, a heavy metal that has been used as a rat poison and ant killer, many more who consumed the tainted food are feeling fine this morning, and have an unusual theory why. Everyone who suffered no ill effects have one thing in common; they were drinking Manimal.

Police say they found approximately a dozen attendees of the annual Psi Pi Chi charity auction suffering from severe stomach pain and dizziness upon their arrival. The victims claimed that they had started feeling ill after consuming a clam dip that had a very bitter taste. Officers say that several students accused Kalili of putting something in the dip because of an argument between her, and several of her sorority sisters the previous night.

After questioning, Holly admitted that she had put “something” in the dip but claimed she didn’t know exactly what it was. Police say the students had been arguing all week about the InterIsland Preservation and Travel Act (IPTA). The law passed last year, established regulations on the use of Veil transportation to any of the Hawaiian islands and imposed a quota on the number of monthly visitors. According to Psi Pi Chi members, Kalili had been “acting crazy” about the issue all week, and had threatened to “do something” at the event.

While many had eaten the clam dip before the auction, relatively few suffered any symptoms, and most showed no trace of thallium in their systems. Medical officials had no explanation for the vastly different levels of thallium in the victims, but several students claim that they felt better after having a Manimal. They are crediting the energy drink with counteracting the poison, and potentially saving their lives.

Senior Kimberly Hekili says, “I’m still in shock over this whole thing. I knew that Holly wasn’t really Psi Pi Chi material for years now. You can’t think that restricting travel to Maui is acceptable, and still be a good person, but I never thought she’d do something to ruin our biggest fundraiser of the year. What she did was gross! I’m super happy that Bethany got so many cases of Fightberry Punch, it’s not my favorite flavor of Manimal, but it saved us, even if we couldn’t save the auction. It’s now the official energy drink of all Psi Pi Chi events. I just hope Holly can get the help she needs with everything that’s wrong with her now. I mean it’s a really long list, but she should have plenty of time to work on it in prison. We had tried severing ties with her this Fall, but we didn’t quite have the votes then. You can bet that we do now! I just have one thing to say to her, ‘Goodbye, Holly!’”

Health officials say it is unlikely that the energy drink counteracted the thallium, and other factors like: the amount of clam dip consumed, how well the poison was mixed into the food, and individual metabolisms, offer a much better explanation for why some individuals were sicker than others. However, they won’t know for sure until thorough lab work is complete.

Manimal CEO Spencer Kane says that he would not be surprised if his company’s drink saved the day.

“We get so many letters and emails everyday about the amazing things Manimal does for our amazing customers. I wouldn’t be shocked to learn that Manimal has the power to knockout thallium as well as mediocrity. What does surprise me in this case, is just how far college kids can take an argument now. I mean, when I was in college, if you didn’t like someone you just slowly pushed them out of the group. While they were confused and feeling vulnerable, you’d spread rumors and lies about them. If you were really angry, maybe you’d make a fake online profile and catfish them for a month or two. You know, that kind of stuff. We’d never try and poison each other. That is super uncool!”

Holly Hekili was charged with numerous counts of administering a noxious chemical and assault with a weapon. If convicted she faces up to 15 years in prison, and a fine up to $40,000, for each count.

Manimal Infused “Turbo Ham” a Hit for Big Bites Stores

Last month, one of Maui’s most famous business chains, Bob Abramo’s Big Bites convenience stores announced that it was partnering with Manimal, one of Lahaina’s most iconic brands, to offer one on the most unique energy products ever conceived, “Turbo Ham.” The energy drink company said that it had devised a way to infuse one of Hawaii’s favorite meats with its popular drink. Now Turbo ham is set to make its debut, exclusively at Big Bites stores starting next week. However, many are questioning the safety of the energy-infused meat, and the treatment of the animals used in the production process.

If the idea of eating a piece of Manimal laced ham sounds strange to you, you’re not alone. Since the company leaked a picture of Turbo Ham in its packaging, many believed it was a joke, or a publicity stunt. Even Manimal CEO Spencer Kane had his doubts about the product when it was first pitched, but after seeing how the process would work, and looking at sales predictions, he says he became a believer.

“Our product innovation team is second to none,” says Kane. “Like many I was skeptical when presented with the idea at first. I thought there was no way people would eat bright yellow or red ham, but then they explained that only the energy producing parts of Manimal would be infused into the meat, not the color. When they said we’d be partnering with Bob Abramo I was sold. Everyone knows that Bob is a meat genius. He is constantly pushing the envelope and our preconceived notions about lunch meat. With Manimal fueling that carnivorous creativity, I knew we’d come up with something special. I just didn’t know how special it would be. Turbo Ham is not your parents lunch meat. It’s the single greatest culinary innovation of our lifetime. Eat a couple of thin slices on a sandwich to help you get over that midday hump, or a big slab in the morning for all day energy. With Turbo Ham, our customers can finally eat and drink energy.”

Some however do not share Kane’s enthusiasm over Turbo Ham. Many remember last year’s partnership with SSHAM and all the problems surrounding SSHAM SLAM. The instability of the product left hundreds staring at a foul smelling slurry when they opened the can. The Manimal infused SSHAM was pulled off the shelf permanently only months after its debut.

In addition, there are serious questions surrounding the caffeine, turine, and guarana levels in the Manimal infused meat, and concerns over the treatment of the pigs used to make Turbo Ham. The Lahaina Conservation Association (LCA) has publicly denounced the product saying in a statement: “Force feeding pigs nothing but Manimal for 30 days is inhumane, and causes many substantial health and behavioral problems. Our investigation has uncovered numerous jittery, temperamental, and overstimulated animals, prone to fence climbing, extreme mud wallowing, and prolonged squealing. In some cases animals have been seen rolling excessively after a Manimal feeding or trying to do flips, something extremely dangerous to a 300lb+ animal. Therefore we must urge the public not to consume Turbo Ham, and call upon the appropriate government agencies to shut down this cruel operation.”

Brandi Essen, Operations Manager of Abramo Holdings LLC disputes the allegations of inhumane treatment, saying all Abramo farms comply with government regulations and are inspected regularly. She says that happy pigs make better tasting meat, and the pigs used to make Turbo Ham are among the happiest on the island. Essen claims that any behavioral changes in the pigs is due to the excess energy that a Manimal only diet provides. In addition, she says that the initial response over Turbo Ham has been so great that the company is planning on expanding into other Manimal charged products.

“Just like in people, Manimal gives these pigs some get-up-and-go, but I wouldn’t call running and jumping cruel. These pigs just have a little more pep than usual, which is exactly the point. There has to be a certain baseline level of Manimal in the animals for the infusion process to work correctly, and work it does! Turbo Ham is for anyone who’d like to chew their energy, and from the way the phone won’t stop ringing, that’s a lot of us. We’ve had so many people wanting to reserve a pack that our biggest concern right now is meeting demand.

In fact the demand has been so overwhelming that we’re already working on a new line of infused meat, Jerky Alert. While Turbo Ham keeps you powered all day, Jerky Alert is designed for those specific occasions you need just a little boost to help keep you awake. Whether you’re a student pulling an all-nighter for exams, a delivery driver working an extra shift, or a new parent exhausted from getting up all night, one bite of Jerky Alert can put you back in the game. It’s never been easier to eat yourself awake.”

Manimal Light Makes Its Debut Despite Criticisms

Refreshment fans, hydration enthusiasts, and the curious alike, were lined up outside the Lahainaluna Road Big Bites store this morning, in anticipation of the debut of the first new Manimal product in almost four years. The company has been promoting Manimal Light as a “breakthrough in exhilaration, offering the same reinvigorating properties of regular Manimal, with 99.9% less calories.” However, many are calling the new formula a marketing scheme, and contend that Manimal Light is nothing but a can of hot air.

According to the promotional material, “Manimal Light is the culmination of years of hydration and energy science. Proven to be just as invigorating as 2 cups of coffee, in a paid, single-blind test, conducted on people who had just enjoyed a Manimal, Manimal Light is designed for everyone forced to cage their inner-Manimals for 8 hours a day at work. Whether you’re sitting in a cubicle, scanning barcodes, or stuck in a conference room, Manimal Light won’t hold you down with excess calories. Light your fuse with Manimal Light, and smolder until you’re ready to rage again.”

Despite the enthusiasm for the new product by fans, and the claims in the company advertisements, many are saying Manimal Light is nothing more than a marketing scheme. “It’s nothing more than a can of air with a tiny bit of Manimal atomized inside,” says Betsy Kaukau of the Hawaii State Department of Health, one of the new product’s most vocal critics.

“Back in the 1990’s oxygen bars began to popup all over the place. The thought was you could breathe scented, oxygen rich air to boost your health and well being. They made claims that it would enhance your immune system, increase your energy, and stave off headaches and hangovers. It was complete rubbish of course, just like Manimal Light. I mean, it says right on the can that it has to be kept at room temperature or above, so the Manimal stays a mist, and doesn’t revert back to a tiny bit of liquid at the bottom. Manimal Light isn’t lighter than air, it is air! I thought that “lurchin” was the stupidest thing I’d ever see someone do, but I was wrong. Paying money to smell what amounts to a mostly empty can of Manimal has to take the prize.”

Manimal says that the new product is simply the natural culmination of aromatherapy and refreshment science. The company points out that air stations have been available for people on the go in many cities like Tokyo, Beijing, and Mexico City for years. They claim that Manimal light is simply a less intense version of the Manimal their customers have grown to love, “perfect for work, wedding ceremonies, funerals, and other solemn occasions.” The company claims that inhaling one can of Manimal Light every morning has been shown to reduce inflammation of the lungs, and reduce the effects of asthma; a claim that every health and medical expert we contacted vigorously refuted.

In a press conference yesterday, Spencer Kane, company CEO and Manimal founder, said he was “super stoked” about including a new low-calorie option to the product line.

“Manimal Light has the same great smell as regular Manimal with 99.9% less calories. It’s like the smell of your morning cup of coffee, if that smell could slap you across the face, and fill you with the energy you need to make it through a day’s worth of boring meetings. More refined than Manimal Spray, the vaporized mist inside every can invigorates you on a molecular level. Look, everyone knows that West Maui has some of the best air in the world. That’s why we bottle every can right here in Lahaina. We’ve reversed exhaust fan 23 at our main bottling facility, long known as our most efficient from maintenance logs, to pull in that magical aloha air. Bottled at the source, and infused with the same Mainmal you’ve come to count on in when things get serious, Manimal Light will add to your energy and spirits, not your waistline.”

Countdown to Manimal’s 100 Billionth Can Has Lahaina Buzzing

All of Lahaina is buzzing with anticipation this week, as the Manimal bottling facility is set to bottle the 100 billionth can of Manimal. 14 years ago the first can of Manimal was produced in a small West Maui plant, with the hopes and dreams of less than a dozen employees riding on the cans of liquid energy. “We tried using my friend Jeff’s garage for storing excess inventory at first, but it wasn’t long until there wasn’t room for his car anymore. It was a mess. The rest, as they say, is history. As long as nothing crazy happens, the 100 billionth can should roll down the line early Thursday,” says Manimal CEO Spencer Kane. Now one of the largest energy drink companies in the world, Manimal says they want to not only pay respect to where it all started, but also embark on what may be the largest, and most expensive marketing campaign ever conceived.

“We had a good idea, a little money, and this tiny bottling facility with an awesome half-pipe out back. We probably should have had a better business plan at first, but we figured that stuff would work itself out, as long as people loved what we were making. Luckily, we were right. Manimal’s extreme recipe was a perfect match for athletes who were sick of being only partially invigorated by their beverages. We shot for full power right away, and it showed. Honestly, one of our biggest breaks was a local up-and-coming surfer who really loved our product. One day we talked about a sponsorship deal while paddling out in the morning. We wrote something up on a napkin on the beach that afternoon. Layla Kalani turned into one of the greatest surfers to ever live, and a pretty good spokeswoman too. We owe her, and all of our customers a lot, that’s why we announced our “We Quenched the World” campaign to coincide with the celebration. We’re going to literally give a Manimal to everyone,”says Kane.

A multiple time world champion, Kalani says she’s proud at how far she and Manimal have come together, and like the rest of her friends, she can’t wait for the milestone can. “Whether I’m punching a nosy shark in the face, starring in the summer’s hottest movie, or just trying to get a little boost between waves, I always have a Manimal within reach.” Like many others, Kalani says she will attend the company’s sponsored party on Front Street Thursday, but also plans on a more intimate celebration with friends and family later in the day. “My family and I have a special connection with Manimal. I think of Spencer as a brother, and we’ve had quite a journey together. We’re going to wrap the day up with a little food, a climbing wall, and some midnight surfing.”

The upcoming celebration has not been without complications however. Since announcing their ostentatious goal of giving a Manimal to every person on the planet, the “We Quenched the World” preregistration lines have been fraught with outages, and in some cases day-long hold times. With questions about logistics and costs, many industry insiders say Kane’s campaign can’t possibly succeed. Brian Leets of Pacific Investment Advisers says he’s never seen anything so reckless in his time as an analyst. “It’s not just bad, it’s corporate suicide. If they somehow survive the initial costs, they’ll be trying to pay off the debt for decades. I’m changing my rating for Manimal from a ‘strong buy’ to ‘dump immediately and avoid at all costs.’”

Nonetheless, Kane says he’s not concerned, adding that Leets, “Has never been barrelled in his life, and wouldn’t know a Fakie 720 Quadruple Kickflip Sexchange, from a Double Pop-Shovit Late Kickflip, let alone an excellent idea when he heard it.” He says that a year is plenty of time to get a can in everyone’s hand, and he’s not worried about the costs.

“It all started when I was told that 100 billion cans was more than enough to give everyone on the planet multiple Manimals. That blew me away! I knew that many of those cans were made before we figured this whole giant company thing out, but we’ve been on point with everything for a few years now. There was no reason we couldn’t literally give everyone who exists a Manimal within a year. That’s the goal, and I’m confident we’ll do it. We hired a couple dozen extra temps to cover the phones, but it totally wasn’t enough as it turns out. I had no idea that people would be so eager to provide their info so early on. We’re making some changes to fix the registration process: automating some things, setting up phone banks, and trying to get some better hold music going on. I ask the public to bear with us while we work out the kinks.”

While it’s one thing to compile a list of addresses, and put a can in the mail, it’s quite another to make a delivery in the world’s more far-flung and remote destinations. However, Kane seems undaunted by the task, saying the company is working closely with many different governments and Veilcorp, and will employ a small army of distribution specialists.

“We’ve been in talks with virtually every government to get a list of all their citizens already, and with the help of Veilcorp’s travel associates, we’ve got 99% of the world covered. Veilcorp has been sending people and stuff all over the world for many years now. They have a killer transportation network, and partners who can get almost anything, anywhere. For the remaining 1% we’re calling in our own distribution specialists who know how to operate under extreme conditions. We have the world’s best deep sea divers to deliver to scientists working in aqualabs in every ocean. There are teams of the most talented free climbers around, with backpacks full of Manimal, climbing cliffs around remote monasteries, and others seeking solitude in the mountains. For everything in between, we have the best drone and helicopter pilots money can buy, scanning the deserts, plains, and forests of the world. We’re probably going to find people who’ve never even seen a surfboard or a proper running shoe, but when we’re done, they’ll know about liquid energy in a can. For 14 years Manimal has been slaying thirst and supercharging achievement. This is an awesome undertaking. Luckily, we know a little something about awesome. We’ve put it in a can about 100 billion times already.”

Manimal Releases Enormous “Herd-Sized” Cans To the Public

For Manimal fans, there’s never been bigger news. Today the much-hyped “Herd-Sized” cans go on sale to the general public. Coming in at just over 36 gallons, the company says the enormous cans are targeted at a generation “used to abundance,” and will provide “sustained energy for even the most rabid fan for up to a month.” However, some take issue with Manimal’s suggested daily serving sizes and several design flaws with the gigantic containers exposed during a trial run in the company’s home town of Lahaina.

Over twice the size as a keg of beer, the new cans are impressive, to say the least. Around 6ft tall and weighing over 350 pounds, customers must schedule delivery and installation times when ordering one. Herd-Sized containers resemble old-fashioned water heaters more than the slick cans fans have come to love. Despite this, the company says the target audience for the new can is the much-coveted “Veiler” demographic, the generation who grew up with veil technology.

Manimal CEO Spencer Kane says he’s “super excited” about offering a Manimal product specifically designed for Veilers. “This is a generation that is used to traveling across the world in an instant, they don’t want to make multiple trips and wait in line to get the life-fuel they need. We listened to our customers and we heard them loud and clear. Herd-Sized Manimal allows you to provide ultimate hydration to your crew. If you’re more of a lone wolf the new container holds around a month’s worth of savage refreshment, so you never have to wait for that surge of energy you need. Veilers are used to getting their money’s worth and immediate gratification. We feel that Herd-Sized Manimal is just our natural adaptation to those wants and needs. As usual, Manimal is leading the pack and I couldn’t be more excited!”

There’s sure to be no shortage of Herd-Sized cans delivered in the coming weeks across Maui, but as usual, this Manimal announcement is not without controversy. Critics point to the company’s famously fraught Manimal public ATV rollout, as well as the numerous issues with past promotions, some involving children. Betsy Kaukau an investigator for the Department of Health says she’s not concerned with one more questionable marketing scheme, she’s concerned about the public’s well-being.

“Forget the fact that these containers come with special bracing to keep them from crashing through floors. Forget that the company’s recommended daily serving is over a gallon a day, an amount of Manimal that we know can lead to massive multisystem organ failure. What really scares me is the dangerous design issues their test rollout uncovered. Nobody at Manimal thought to put any sort of level indicator on these things. Instead, they come with a level stick that allows any number of contaminants and bacteria into the container. The company puts a “refrigerate after opening” sticker on the side but who has a refrigerator big enough to accommodate this gargantuan thing? Basically, Manimal is shipping 350-pound biological bombs across the country.”

Gary Puniwale, a Lahaina resident, and participant in Manimal’s product trial is one of the unlucky few who experienced problems with his Herd-Sized can.

“Luck and I have never been friends but when I learned that I was going to be one of a few dozen in Maui to get a Herd-Sized can I thought my luck was changing. I should have known better. Everything seemed to go great the first week. Sure it was a little hard to get it into my apartment and the landlord had some concerns about it crashing on my neighbors below, but I made room and it came with extra floor bracing. I thought it was great, but at the beginning of week two things started to change.

I wasn’t positive, but I thought it started tasting different and it would be really foamy in the morning. I thought maybe it was the apartment AC vibrating the container at night or something and the taste seemed fine after I drank a few glasses so I put it out of my mind. Then one morning I noticed that the sides looked a little bowed. I thought it tasted a little fizzy but I stirred it and tried a glass and it seemed ok. I put the stick back in place and got another glass before I went to work and then another. It turns out that the Manimal was fermenting and I drank so much that I passed out.

I woke up in the hospital with a BAC over three times the legal limit. The can had burst leaking gallons of boozy Manimal on my neighbor below. She ran upstairs and found me unresponsive and called for help. In retrospect, I should have known that the buzz was from alcohol and not ultimate energy but I’m not a doctor. Manimal paid for my medical expenses and cleaning the downstairs apartment. I’m doing much better but I’d caution anyone thinking of getting a Manimal silo in their home. There is something to the saying “too much of a good thing.”

Manimal says they have come up with adaptor kits for older containers complete with soldering instructions and stand by the safety and intensity of their product.

Man Blames Malfunctioning Privacy Setting for Million Dollar Vandalism Spree

18-year-old Peter Kolohe was arraigned today for vandalising over a dozen businesses on Front Street, resulting in over a million dollars worth of damage. Thousands watched Kolohe over the weekend live stream his crimes and take “requests” about what to destroy next. However, according to his attorneys, it is that goading from the public, and the improperly functioning privacy setting in his Manimal X-eyez extreme vision app, that is truly responsible for his frenzy of destruction.

It all started on Saturday when Kolohe and some friends came upon a car parked over the lines in a community lot along Front street. The group decided to teach the car’s owner “a lesson on how to park.” It was at this point Peter decided to broadcast the “lesson” to his followers using his X-eyez app. Instead of broadcasting the tire slashing to a handful of friends however, a glitch in the app’s latest software update caused the video to be available to the public. Soon hundreds of people were watching and urging Kolohe to find other bad parkers.

Word spread quickly. More people began tuning into the livestream and suggesting other targets of retribution for Kolohe. For the next 4 hours, goaded on by those watching, the young man damaged over 20 vehicles and vandalized dozens of businesses. Peter’s crime spree became the most watched live stream in Hawaii for a few hours before authorities finally caught up to him.

According to the official report and those watching the arrest in real time, Kolohe told the police that he didn’t intend to openly broadcast his activities but was glad that he did because “there are a lot of people out there who think they can take advantage of others” and that he was just “handing out some karmic justice.”

In a brief statement released this morning, his attorneys say, “Peter will have to answer for his crimes, but Manimal must be held accountable too. It is clear that If not for this app and its faulty design, many store owners would not be talking to their insurance companies this morning.” Since it’s unveiling to the public a few months ago, the Manimal X-eyez app has received its fair share of criticism. Many safety and privacy advocates warned that the app would encourage risky or dangerous behavior, especially among children and teenagers. Kolohe’s actions over the weekend seem to give a bit a validity to those concerns.

Manimal CEO Spencer Kane disagrees.

“We made the X-eyez app so our fans could share their most intense adventures in the most hi-tech way possible with other Manimal lovers. We didn’t make it so you could share your most extreme acts of vandalism. Frankly, we are super bummed that this young man decided to use our technology this way. For the record, the problem with our software update that led to all streams being set to “Public” was fixed as soon as we became aware of the issue. We believe that using our app as an excuse for committing crimes is really lame. Let me be clear on this point, streaming your: jumps, dives, cool board tricks, and intense workouts is cool and what the app was meant for. Slashing tires, smashing windows, and destroying private property is for sure NOT cool. It’s not cool at all. In fact I’d say that Manimal itself is probably too intense for Peter and he should probably stick with less awesome drinks like seltzer water or apple juice.”

Yet, some critics disagree and insist that Manimal and society in general, must shoulder some of the blame. Lahaina resident and noted author about the dangers of a “streaming society”, Kevin Morrow says that Kane and company should have known how dangerous their product was. He says that many young men like Kolohe are powerless to resist bad influences from a group, and has named the condition, “Incitis”.

“Laws are based on commonly accepted norms and what society has deemed to be the rules necessary for civil interactions. But inside these streaming communities the norms can be quite different. Impressionable people can be easily influenced and can come to believe that everything being suggested is normal behavior. Many people laughed when I warned of the societal dangers the radio tower would bring. Those problems pale in comparison when you look at the effects of incitis on the psyche. It was bad enough when people were just playing games live, but now that life streaming is becoming more common, the lines between games and reality can become blurry. We should consider ourselves lucky that a confused Peter didn’t don a breastplate and rampage through the streets looking for armor upgrades or steal a high-end sports car and race around Lahaina trying to win some sort of fictitious achievement. In my opinion, we started our journey down this slippery slope months ago, when the X-eyez app was released to an unprepared public.”

Manimal debuts X-eyez implant software

Today’s the day Manimal fans around the world have waited for. This morning the sports drink company unveiled their much anticipated X-eyez extreme vision app. The company says the software, which works with your ceremplant, records and broadcasts everything that a user sees. Manimal says the app offers your friends and fans “a feast from your eyes.” The app has been in a trial phase for several months but was released to the general public today.

It seems that everyone is developing ceremplant software these days. There is certainly no shortage of branded implant apps on the market currently and most have been underwhelming to say the least. But the Manimal app is different. The company released the software to a select group of spokespeople and enthusiasts 2 months ago and the buzz has been building ever since. X-eyez allows users to record what they see and broadcast their vision in three different modes: private, friends, and public. The company says it’s like having an extreme personal videographer.

Manimal CEO Spencer Kane told a group of screaming fans this morning that the app lets you share your most intense moments and will change the way extreme sports are filmed.

“We’ve kept our eye on the prize and this morning we’ve given our fans the most high tech way of sharing their glory available. The difference between being a living legend and just another smack talker can be video evidence. They say that seeing is believing and that’s where our extreme vision app comes in. You can set it to private and relive days of past glory, share your feed with your friends to prove that you’ve raised the bar, or let everyone know how extreme you are by letting them look where you leap on the public setting. Our X-eyez software is going to be an eye opener for many.”

Womanimal spokeswoman Layla Kalani demoed the software by sharing her feed with everyone attending the event. After giving the fans a firsthand look at the skills that have made her a six-time world champion surfer, she addressed the crowd. “The extreme vision app is awesome! For the first time my fans can see exactly what it’s like to tackle a 30’ wave. I’ve been sharing the up close and personal footage on my page for a month now and the response has been wonderful. Finally my fans have a chance to live through my X-eyez. Best of all, the next time I punch a shark in the face, everyone will be able to see it from a good angle.”

Despite the fervor at the Manimal release party, many safety and privacy advocates aren’t excited about the app. Some say that the software encourages risky or dangerous behavior, especially among children and teenagers. Others have security concerns and worry that the app could be hacked and used by criminals to case houses, or by stalkers to keep track of victims. They say that having a constant feed of your vision is a recipe for disaster. Lawsuits are sure to be filed by individuals not wanting to be part of someone’s public Manimal feed.

One person who isn’t concerned about the public feed option is Lahaina resident and backyard wrestling enthusiast Randy Wilcox. In fact, he says it was the key to turning his hobby into a full-time job. One of the lucky few to be chosen for Manimal’s early access program, Wilcox has been using the app to promote his wrestling.

“I can’t tell you how much it’s helped our shows. The views on our YouTube channel have gone up over 300% since I started broadcasting my “Slam Cam”. Not only have I been able to pay my mortgage from ticket sales alone this month, but I’ve been able to buy almost a year’s supply of folding chairs, capes, and knee braces. Thanks to the X-eyez app I plan on quitting my job and dropping elbows from the roof onto my brother-in-law for the foreseeable future.”

Manimal Children’s Book Draws Ire of Parents and Safety Groups

A new children’s book published by the popular Manimal sports drink company has parents and safety advocates seeing Radical Red. Released to mark recent news that Manimal has become the most popular energy drink in Hawaii, the company says “Sarge’s Cub Club” is for the youngest members of Manimal’s growing family, and teaches kids how to avoid the dangers of drugs, alcohol, and a sedentary lifestyle. However, many parents and experts say the book glorifies reckless behavior and dangerous activities.

Fresh off of news that Manimal had reached over 80% market share in West Maui and 75% in Hawaii as a whole, the public waited with bated breath to see what the Lahaina based company would do to celebrate. Manimal has had more than a few marketing hiccups in recent years. The contamination of a sacred spring by a member of the company’s Alpha Club placed the drink maker in hot water. Numerous health concerns were raised when a man nearly died from excessive Manimal consumption, and much of the Lahaina city council still refuses to comment on the public ATV fiasco. The release of a children’s book seemed an unlikely but safe choice to many, but it wasn’t long before the controversy that seems to follow the company reared its head.

Henna Driscol was one of the first parents to file an official complaint after buying her daughter a copy of the book. “We drink a lot of Manimal in this house and I thought it was neat that a local company has grown into this huge thing, so I thought I’d get Megan a copy. It was a huge mistake! I can’t believe that someone in authority at Manimal thought it was appropriate for children,” she says

“It starts out OK. Major, the company mascot tells a group of kids about the history of Manimal and how it got started here in Lahaina. Sarge teaches the kids how cleaning and helping your parents can be fun, what to say if someone offers them drugs, that sort of thing. Then the whole thing goes off the rails. One of the kids in the book complains that she isn’t allowed to skydive like her older brother and Sarge comes up with a bunch of “kid-friendly” extreme activities that can be done at home. It talks about how free climbing a rock face is too dangerous for kids, but bookcases and tall appliances like a refrigerator are fair game. There are instructions on how to arrange the furniture to make the “gnarliest indoor parkour course on your block.” My daughter broke her arm following Sarge’s recommendations on the best household objects to use for stair surfing. There’s a whole lot more to hate in there too, but we were lucky. Megan got hurt before she got to the part about adding fire to your stunt videos. I’m not one to get behind a book burning, but in this case, I’d be the first to throw this thing on the pyre.”

Numerous other parents and concerned citizens have complained citing dozens of injuries directly tied to stunts laid out in the book. The Lahaina Medical Center’s Director Dalia Forsythe has been a vocal opponent and has advised parents to not let their children read Sarge’s Cub Club. She says, “It’s a collection of dangerous things to do for children with too much free time. I’d say it was an accident waiting to happen, but accidents have already happened over 30 times! We’ve seen bumps and bruises to broken bones and even a potentially life-threatening head injury from kids trying out some of the activities in this book. It’s terrible and Manimal should pull it from shelves immediately.”

Manimal CEO Spencer Kane says he acknowledges that some of the activities in the book may go too far, but thinks the backlash has been overblown. “To be honest I thought we were hitting this one out of the park, but I feel like a few haters and a couple of inattentive parents are making a much bigger deal out of this than they need to.”

“Look, kids get hurt all the time. It’s what kids do. Now, you take kids who embrace all life has to offer them, kids who like living their own game, not playing one on the couch, the kind of kids that drink Manimal….well they’re probably going to get a few scrapes living their best lives. That doesn’t mean that we’re responsible for everything they do.

Sure, there are probably a few suggestions in there that come too close to the line, but that’s part of the Manimal lifestyle. I hear a lot about kids falling off the top of cabinets and tumbling down stairs, but nobody is talking about the many good safety tips in Sarge’s Cub Club. Nobody mentions how Sarge tells the kids to never dive into a tub that’s half full. He tells the kids to always fill the tub to the very top before jumping in from any height. Does that sound irresponsible to you? These parents aren’t thanking us for suggesting that their kids practice jumping over cars in the garage before trying it out in the street. Maybe we should have read the book a little closer before we released it, but in the grand scheme of things, it’s not a super big deal. I mean nobody has died or anything and there are some really good tips on how to make your home videos straight fire. I think the kids would agree that a thousand more views on social media are worth a couple of close calls.”

Kokua Wellness Center To Offer Controversial Manimal Detox Program

The Kokua Wellness Center is world renowned for its high-end beauty treatments and exclusive clientele, but the spa has announced that they plan to depart from their usual services, and dip their toes into a controversial subject, Manimal detoxification. While most healthcare and addiction specialists claim that “Manimal addiction” is no more serious than having a penchant for coffee, many claim the Lahaina based energy drink company is pedaling a dangerous and potentially addictive product. They say over time Manimal can have serious detrimental health effects, and can cause severe withdrawal symptoms in those trying to give up the popular drink.

According to the Journal of the Hawaiian Medical Association, between 34 and 44 percent of young adults drink Manimal at least once a day. In addition, at least half of those polled say they consume between 4-6 cans daily. “That’s an irresponsible amount of caffeine, taurine, and other hazardous stimulants for a body to process,” says Chef Craig Hoomaau, a certified nutritionist and transpersonal plating-arts instructor at the Kokua Wellness Center and Spa.

“Kokua has always been about healing, and seeing so many of our neighbors trying to walk through their life’s journey burdened with the heavy weight of Manimal addiction, we knew we had to act. Unlike normal caffeine withdrawal which causes little more than headaches or an inability to concentrate, patients suffering from Manimal withdrawal often experience: uncontrollable muscle spasms similar to restless leg syndrome, dysphoria, an intense urge to run or jump, nausea and vomiting, a craving for carbonated beverages, heart palpitations, and a need to let out a primal scream. Severe cases can lead to liver failure, seizures, and psychotic episodes. We have developed an all natural way to cleanse the body of Manimal poisons. By boosting your own immune responses through tonal treatments, aural bathing, facilitated napping, and herbal replacement therapy, we are offering the first all natural Manimal detox program in the world.”

Hoomaau claims that over a dozen customers have signed up for the cleansing already, but health care professionals remain skeptical about the condition and the cure. Dr. Dalia Forsythe, director of the Lahiana Medical Center says, “We have no proof that Manimal addiction is anything other than an addiction to caffeine. Unfortunately, I believe Manimal is a victim of its own popularity in this case. We don’t hear about addiction to other energy drinks that contain similar ingredients. As far as a system to “detox” your body goes, well that is complete fantasy. The body already has its own complex purification system. No amount of bell ringing or basil chewing is going to remove more toxins from your body than your kidneys and liver. This is just the modern equivalent of the lemon juice and cayenne pepper cleanses that were so popular in the early 2000’s.”

However, some applaud Kokua’s new program and wish it had been available earlier. One of the most vocal Manimal critics in the addiction debate is 31-year-old Steven Nauwe. The dog walker and groomer made national headlines in the Spring of 2027 after his Manimal addiction led to multisystem organ failure. Nauwe was airlifted to The Queens Medical Center in Honolulu, where he would spend close to a month recovering.

“At the height of my problem I was drinking at least 20 cans a day. Almost dying was obviously terrible, but little did I know the worst was yet to come. Being without Manimal that first week in the hospital was horrendous. The doctors kept saying my discomfort was due to my system trying to restart itself, but deep down in my bones and my spleen, I knew it was the lack of Manimal. It had a hold on me like a wrestler, and I was almost down for the count. Kicking Manimal was the hardest thing I’ve ever done next to grooming the Driscol’s cats. I can’t express how grateful I am that Kokua has taken the issues of Manimal addiction seriously, and are offering a detox program to aid those suffering from withdrawal.”

Manimal CEO Spencer Kane acknowledges that long-time drinkers may experience headaches or minor irritability when going cold turkey, but says that the allegations of more serious effects are simply not true. “I’ve checked with the company doctors and lawyers and we all agree; These allegations are stupid! The biggest thing that should concern you if you stop drinking Manimal is your output. This is a high performance drink for high performance people. To avoid the mild headaches that some regular drinkers can experience, we suggest you taper down your intake before quitting. When your engines are burning hot you have to gradually cool them down, even forged steel can crack a bit if you cool it down too fast. As always, we encourage our customers to enjoy our drink in radical moderation. Other than that, it’s all good.”