STORYLINE

Public ATV program plagued with technical problems

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The county of Maui and Manimal partnered to provide a public ATV service a little over a month ago, but the program has suffered from a number of major technical issues since its inception. Many are saying the self-driving vehicles are a menace, while others are calling for an immediate end to the service. Despite numerous updates and a recall in the first week to fix an overheating battery issue, the program continues to be plagued with problems. This weekend alone, the service logged over 30 complaints and left one family stranded almost 4 miles from the nearest charging station.

The preservation zone expansion in Lahaina a few months ago put greater restrictions on the number of ATVs allowed inside its borders, as well as the number of businesses allowed to rent the vehicles. In response, the Mayor’s office and Manimal teamed up to offer a first-of-a-kind public ATV program. The service was designed to give better control over all-terrain vehicles traveling through sensitive areas, and allow tourists to still participate in the popular way to see the island. 45 public all-terrain vehicles, in 5 different locations are currently available in the Lahaina area. However, things haven’t gone well.

First, the vehicle’s self-driving and navigation systems leave much to be desired. Unfortunately, it has become common to see the vehicles driving through yards, circling around in parking lots, or even becoming stuck against buildings. Owner of a local maker commune within the preservation zone, Ano Lee says he sees a lot of malfunctioning ATVs.

“We like to call them Self Crashing ATVs or SCATVs. We had one crawl up an embankment and run into the side of the printer shed with a couple of tourists inside. It just sat there, slowly spinning its tires in the grass. It took the Manimal tech over an hour to get down here and she had to disconnect the battery just to get it to stop. I can’t tell you how many people have hiked up here for help after one of these things hit a tree or drove down into a ditch. The only thing extreme about the Manimal ATVs is how extremely bad the navigation system is.”

The ATVs are also excruciatingly slow, with a top speed equal to a brisk walk. A commercial promoting the service with Tony “Half-Barrel” Kahale says that the slow speed is to ensure, “Nobody spills their Manimal.” In truth, the limited speed is a liability and insurance issue. It was thought at the time that slow speeds would make passengers safer, but it has proven to be just the opposite. Drivers have lodged numerous complaints about the vehicles impeding the flow of traffic. Coupled with the navigation issues, many worry that it is only a matter of time before a serious accident occurs.

The program was shut down 4 days after it began because of a number of battery fires. There hasn’t been a fire since the power cables were replaced in all units, but one other early bug is still plaguing the service. The ATV’s power indicators seem to be defective. This issue has left countless tourists stranded as their vehicles suddenly stop. 35-year-old Randy Wilcox and his family were enjoying their vacation until their vehicle rolled to a stop without warning, in the bottom of a gulch, 4 miles from the nearest charging station.

The Mayor’s Office has been scrambling to try and offer solutions to the numerous issues. Mayor Cravalho himself seems open to scrapping the program calling it, “a PR nightmare,” and he’s not alone. Many on the city council agree. A push to shut down the fledgling program is gaining momentum, but not everyone involved with the project seems to have such a negative view.

Manimal CEO Spencer Kane says the program is just experiencing growing pains.

“I’ll be honest. I’m super bummed about the fires and the gauges not working right. That stuff should have been working on day one. But the stuff about getting lost, and driving through yards… you got to expect a few bumps when you’re blazing a new trail. We’re talking about complex systems, that take a specialized group of technicians and engineers. I’ve let them all know how uncool driving around in a circle at a shopping center is and they agree. We’re all on the same page now, and we have a super-good new approach to fixing these bugs and making sure they don’t pop up again. I’d like to encourage anyone who’s on the fence to go ahead and strap in and enjoy a ride. An automated trip down the beach is almost as refreshing as an ice cold Manimal!”

STORYLINE

Manimal Unveils New “Ancient” Formula

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With retro fashions in style again, and the resurgence in popularity of old music and art, many companies are cashing in on the public’s love of those days-gone-by. The question is, does that love of yesteryear extend to energy drinks? Manimal CEO Spencer Kane hopes so. This morning the iconic beverage company unveiled the latest formula in their line, “Koa Kick”. Kane says the newest edition to the Manimal brand is inspired by an ancient recipe popular with the elite Koa warriors who lived and fought on the islands.

A press release reads in part. “The Koa were as fierce and unrelenting in battle as they were in life. Their stamina and strength were well known, and part of that vigor came from what they drank. Sure, they never jumped out of a helicopter or managed to hit a Double Pop-Shovit Late Kickflip but they were pretty dope for their time. Now, you can finally enjoy a taste of what powered these historic warriors. Koa Kick is an ancient formula to fuel a modern life. Blended with one of nature’s most nutrient rich foods, sugarcane, and a few other secrets ingredients, this new Manimal lets you live and play like the ancestors!”

Koa Kick is the first Manimal to be sweetened entirely by cane sugar and sugarcane juice. It is this change that makes Koa Kick special according to Kane. “I’m not hating on high fructose corn syrup here, but it’s just not right for Koa Kick,” he says.

“The history of sugarcane in Hawaii and its importance to the Koa is fascinating. It was one of the first plants brought to the islands to be cultivated, known as “canoe crops.” That doesn’t mean that they were grown on boats out in the surf, although that would be totally sweet. It means that the sugar cane was considered so vital to life that it got its own spot on the boat along with sweet potato, breadfruit and grandma.

Being a Koa warrior might have been the original extreme job. After a hard day of running, paddling, leaping ravines, and fighting to unite the Hawaiian islands under King Kamehameha, these guys counted on a big cup of cane juice to keep them fueled and ready to bash in some heads. They even planted it alongside popular routes so they could get a little boost on the go. Koa Kick is basically the energy drink enjoyed by these warriors with a modern kick. If it helped unite the Hawaiian islands, imagine what it can do for your free climbing game. This is our most ancient, and extreme formula yet!”

Despite Kanes enthusiasm for the new formula, health advocates warn that Koa Kick isn’t much better for you than any other Manimal products. While it is true that high fructose corn syrup has long been identified as problematic and potentially harmful to your health, excessive consumption of refined sugar comes with its own problems. “It’s not even about all the sugar, although I have heard reports of a Koa Kick crash which could be concerning,” says Dr. Dalia Forsythe.

“It’s about the stimulants in Manimal. Choosing a slightly better sweetener is fine, but with all the taurine, caffeine, and guarana added to this drink, it’s a moot point. This is definitely not the drink Koa warriors enjoyed. This is just Manimal made with sugar instead of syrup.”

One Manimal enthusiast is sold on the new formula however, and claims he can feel the difference sugarcane has made. Lahaina inventor Ano Lee says that Koa Kick is his favorite Manimal yet.

“As a member of the Alpha Club I get access to new flavors and formulas months before the public, and I can’t say enough good things about Koa Kick. I’m not sure if it would help me march for miles or swing a shark-toothed club, but it definitely has made me more productive. I tend to drink my breakfast and my go-to morning drink is Manimal. The problem is that after 4 or 5 cans my hands would often get so shaky that I couldn’t do any fine work. If I was working on a circuit board or trying to solder wires together, I had to do it before noon. For some reason, all that sugarcane juice smooths out everything else that keeps my motor running, and I’m steady handed all day. I never really paid that much attention to things like natural sugar before, but I’m a convert. I’ve been adding a little Koa Kick to just about everything. Sure, I may end up with higher blood sugar, but it keeps me ready to take on anything, just like my ancestors.”

STORYLINE

Man Airlifted To Hospital After Excessive Manimal Consumption Leads To Organ Failure

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A Lahaina man remains in serious condition after his Manimal consumption left him fighting for his life, due to massive multisystem organ failure. While there is growing concern that drinking large amounts of energy drinks, like Manimal, could have long-term health effects, doctors say that this is the most extreme case they have ever seen. The patient’s prognosis remains guarded but hopeful this morning.

25-year-old Steven Nauwe says that he began Tuesday just like any other day, with a couple cans of Manimal. A groomer and dog walker at DA Kine Groomers in Lahaina, Nauwe admits that he drinks a lot of the popular energy drink,

“I love Manimal! I don’t know for sure how many cans exactly I’d go through in a day, probably a few dozen on average. It’s just way more convenient than sitting down and eating something. I like being on the move, and Manimal lets me feel something I call “the surge”. It starts with the first few cans in the morning. It makes my body hum and helps me focus. I’ll have a couple more on my way to work and I can feel my muscles start to pulse with energy. I’ll grab one more from my locker while I’m changing my clothes, and BOOM, I can ride the wave of energy all day. I guess the surge was just a little too strong this time.”

Co-workers say that Nauwe is a diligent worker that can always be counted on to do extra work, even if he is a bit manic at times. DA Kine manager Julie Loelu says that everyone liked working with Steven, but nobody knew how sick he was. “We all thought he drank too much Manimal, but I don’t think anyone expected this. Steven is loved by all the employees. He is the fastest groomer I have by a mile, and he always volunteers to walk the dogs. He not only keeps his station immaculately cleaned, but he’ll clean yours too, sometimes while you’re still working. He’d been acting strangely for a couple days but I didn’t think much of it. Then Tuesday night, he asked if he could stay late to count and organize the dog hair. Thinking he was joking, I said sure and left for the evening. When I came back in the morning it was like a horror movie.”

Steven says he had not slept for several days leading up to Tuesday night but was unconcerned and assumed it was because he was, “riding the surge”. He says, “I don’t remember much after my morning Manimal at work to be honest. I didn’t feel any different, if anything, the surge felt even better than usual. I remember getting the idea that I should count the hairs and organize them by length in the afternoon and couldn’t stop thinking about it. Julie said I could stay late to do it, and everything went fine until the AC started. I had pushed all the grooming tables together, and had been working all night when the fans kicked in, and blew hours of work all over the room. I was really upset, and couldn’t figure out how I was going to get it all reorganized. The next thing I remember was waking up in the hospital.”

When Loelu arrived in the morning she found a chaotic scene. “Steven was standing in the middle of the grooming area screaming gibberish. There was fur all over the place, all the equipment was strewn around the room, and he was bleeding from his eyes, ears, and mouth. I screamed right along with him at first, I was so scared. Eventually, I calmed down and could see that he needed help, so I took him to Community Health. They took one look at him and called for air rescue.”

Doctors at The Queens Medical Center in Honolulu found that Nauwe was experiencing massive multisystem organ failure. According to doctors, the excessive amount of Manimal that Steven drank had drastic effects on his endocrine system. Reports indicate that Nauwe was in a thyrotoxic crisis, had greatly elevated glucose levels, and deadly amounts of cortisol, and other stress hormones in his blood. A hospital spokesperson says, “Virtually all of Mr. Nauwe’s system were on the verge of collapse when he was brought in. His thyroid, adrenal, and pituitary glands were malfunctioning. The mix of improper hormone levels, along with the massive amounts of caffeine, taurine, gaurana, and other stimulants from the Manimal he was drinking, was wreaking havoc with his body. In addition, It was discovered that the patient was suffering from extreme osteoporosis, as his bones had been leached of minerals by his hypermetabolism. This was a first for us and I will say on a personal note, my house is now Manimal free.”

Manimal CEO Spencer Kane has been in contact with Nauwe and says,

“I regret that Steven had to go through something like this, and would encourage all of our customers to seek medical help immediately if they think they are experiencing organ failure. Intensity comes with a cost, and sometimes the hardest thing for a real-life Manimal to do is regulate their energy intake. Unfortunately, the brightest flames burn the quickest. Be that as it may, I would encourage our customers to enjoy our drink in radical moderation. A good rule of thumb is to get most of your daily caloric intake from a source other than Manimal. Our products are completely safe, and have been thoroughly tested on animals much smaller than our customers, without any serious long-term problems. I want to assure the public that this was an isolated incident and they don’t need to worry. Steven just had his foot on the gas a little too long. We wish him all the best and a speedy recovery.”

Nauwe is stable this morning but remains in serious condition until doctors can return his hormone levels to normal. “Things are a lot better today. My eyes stopped bleeding this morning and the nurses say that’s a good sign that I’m getting better. They say that almost dying can make you see things in a new light and make better choices. I’ve already made some big decisions, like cutting out the commute Manimal from my daily routine and limiting myself to a six pack while I’m at work. I’ve been given a second chance and I plan on drinking slightly less Manimal this time around.”

STORYLINE

Manimal’s “Alpha Club” Comes Under Fire After Contamination of Sacred Spring

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The “Alpha Club” promised to provide fans a monthly supply of cold Manimal, and a chance to try out new flavors and products before the general public. However the company’s service is now under fire, after the contamination of a sacred spring North of Lahaina. Officials say it’s hard to say just how much of the energy drink has been introduced into the protected Ho’inu spring, or how long the cleanup effort will take. As days turn into weeks, many are calling on the company to foot the bill, and change the practices that helped cause the problem in the first place.

Costing only $1 the first month, the Alpha Club service promises a monthly supply of the popular Manimal drink (72 cans) delivered to your home, and even put in your refrigerator if you so choose. In addition, members get to try new flavors and products before they are available in retail stores, giving valuable feedback to the company. Many, like 25-year-old Steven Nauwe love the convenience of having their favorite drink delivered monthly.

“Even though the flavor of the month has been ‘Fightberry Punch’ 3 times already this year, I think being a member of the Alpha Club is a great deal. In fact, I drink so much because of my job as a dog walker, that I have two subscriptions. Sure, you pay full price after the first month, but you get to try out new flavors first. I got to try: Green Prepper Blast, Ultigreat Orange, Cherry Fury, and Lightning Phlemon, before anyone! I even got to try the original formula Manimal Spray before they they removed some of the anti-foaming agents. You wouldn’t believe how much that stuff used to burn. I’m not really sure what the problem is.”

According to officials, the problem is that someone need only send a dollar, an address, and very little else, to become part of the Alpha Club. An investigator familiar with the case says, “Normally, these kind of poor practices would only hurt the business. Who in their right mind would send thousands of dollars worth of merchandise without a credit card number, or some sort of verifiable personal information? In this case, we’ve determined that a minor had signed up for the club because his mother didn’t allow Manimal in the house. His parents came forward after finding the bill for his latest order in his pocket. The company had been delivering his supply to the intersection of two trails in the preservation zone for at least 5 months. For reasons that are still unclear to us, the child had been hiding the cans in the spring. Many had ruptured, or were dumped in the water, causing the contamination issues we’re dealing with.”

Ike Hoomana, Spokesperson for the Office of Hawaiian Culture (OHC), says that Manimal should pay for Ho’inu’s restoration because of their gross negligence. He says, “Ho’inu is one of the most sacred spots on the island. According to legend, the first people to come to here had gone two days without water, when they followed birds to the spring. It was here that those brave people made a covenant. They promised to respect, protect, and revere the spirits of the land in exchange for clean water and its bounty. So it went for centuries, until it was befouled by a child, and a company blinded by greed. Even if we drain the spring, some of the Manimal has settled into the ground, and we are unsure how long it will take to work its way out. The crystal clear waters of this is spring used to nourish our bodies and souls. Now, the waters are tinted red, a foul smell hangs like fog, and it attracts only hordes of stinging and biting insects.

Manimal CEO Spencer Kane says he is shocked to hear that a child had joined the club without parental consent, and saddened that the spring was damaged. “We have boxes that every Alpha Club member has to check stating that they are awesome, and 18 or older. In addition, we are totally against hurting, breaking, jumping off of, or doing anything bad to historical monuments or sacred places. We like to focus on amazing people and amazing things, and what happened here is really unamazing.”

Kane says the company has already fixed some of the issues involved with the Alpha club, to ensure that nothing like this happens again. However, he says that we need to understand that awesome kids do awesome things, like drink Manimal, and figure out how to work around the rules. Spencer says that like everyone, he feels bad about the spring, but wishes people would take it easy on the child involved. He says,

“We have to remember that everyone makes mistakes. He’s just a radical kid who made a radical mistake. We should give him a break, and be thankful nothing but some water was hurt. I started the Alpha Club to offer the ultimate drink service for your ultimate life. We believe that legs were made for climbing, jumping, and kicking through cross currents, not walking to the store or standing in aisles. We wanted a way to say thanks to our serious customers, like this kid, and give them a chance to enjoy new products before the casual consumer. Like it says on the application, “Alpha’s Drink First!” We feel super bad about what happened, and have started to coordinate a volunteer effort with area Alpha Club members. I’m sure that with their energy and help, Ho’inu will be an awesome spring again.”

STORYLINE

Kids Save Mom From Boar Attack With Manimal Drink Spray

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A wild boar attack is every Hawaiian campers worst nightmare. Such events are big news and they send a shiver down the spine. A 53-year-old Lahaina woman lived through such a traumatic event yesterday thanks to the quick thinking of her teenage sons and a little help from a popular drink spray.

The last thing on Teresa Higgs’ mind was battling a giant hungry boar when she traveled to the Hana Forest Reserve for a fun weekend with her boys. Nestled in the lush wilds of Maui, the reserve is a favorite for many during early spring for its beautiful scenery and abundance of wild flowers. Higgs says that the family makes multiple trips a year to enjoy the tranquil forest but her sons often tease her about her outdoor cooking skills and that’s where the trouble began.

“Tom and Brian give me a hard time about my burgers, but after talking to the knowledgeable staff at Big Bob’s Butchery I had a surprise for them. I came with 6 pounds of the finest burger you can buy. It was a 70/30 blend to make sure they’d stay nice and juicy. Double ground for texture, I had a brisket, round, short rib blend. This wasn’t a styrofoam tray of dying grey meat stuffed in a display case, or a frozen patty lying on the grill like the ghost of beef past. These were thick, well seasoned burgers, hand-pattied with love. Then, out of the corner of my eye I saw a flash of something black. Before I could do anything, a huge boar was chomping down the burger. After all that planning, I wasn’t about to let him ruin our lunch. I whacked him as hard as I could on the snout with the grill scraper, but that just made him mad and he turned on me.”

16-year-old Tom and 14-year-old Brian heard their mother’s screams and ran to investigate, only to find her being attacked by the boar. The pair tried driving him off with shouts and kicks to no avail. It was a direct hit to the face with Brian’s Manimal Spray that finally drove the animal off.

“I remembered how bad it hurt when Tom sprayed it in my face. To tell the truth, the vision out of my left eye still gets blurry sometimes, so I let the hog have it,” said Brian. “He stopped as soon as it hit his eyes. He shook his head, started squealing really loud, and tore off towards the creek.”

While the spray was hailed by internal combustion enthusiasts as a de-greaser and carbon deposit cleaner, consumer and food safety groups decried the company when they unveiled their “hyper-carbonated” drink last year. They said the high level of carbonation and unusual anti-foaming agents made the drink dangerous to long-time drinkers and unstable in certain situations. Manimal countered that their product followed strict government health and safety guidelines. They said that the new drink spray would allow their customers to “Feel the burn with a blast of refreshment!”

Continued complaints, regulatory pressure, and a handful of lawsuits eventually forced the company to slightly reduce the sprays pressure and remove some additives earlier this year. The new Manimal Spray was released with a statement from CEO Spencer Kane which read, “Sorry about that extreme drink lovers! It’s all good now.”

Tom told reporters: “I like it because I don’t always have time to drink normally during the day. I think the people saying it’s still dangerous just aren’t ready for instant maximum hydration; I know the boar wasn’t.”

Officials say that while boar attacks are exceedingly rare in the park, they do occasionally happen, particularly with older animals who’ve come to associate people with food. They found the still disoriented boar soon after, trying to wash its face off in the creek. Rangers were forced to euthanize the animal.

Teresa suffered no serious injuries from the boar, but was being held overnight for observation since she was accidentally hit in the face with the spray during the attack. “I’m so thankful for the quick thinking of my sons. They became my heroes today! I feel like the luckiest mom in the world. They even saved some of the burger, and I plan on making them a very special dinner when we get home. But after seeing what Manimal Spray did to the boar, I’m going to have to rethink about how many bottles I let them bring to school.”

Later, Teresa was seen marveling at the exfoliating effects of the spray. “People should give this stuff a chance, though maybe keep it clear of your eyes. And nose. And ears.”