Merchants Association Offers Bounty On Gaia Guard Members

I had planned on thanking you all for turning out last night at the unveiling of our ethnobotanical garden. I was going to explain to you all how important the over 100 species of endemic and indigenous plants are to the future of Lahaina. It was my intention to announce that we had opened the garden to Kanaka healers from the Mission, in the hopes of developing new medicines for us all. Instead, I’m forced to address what is becoming an all too common event in the past few weeks, the deadly attack on the Ananas Pineapple Farm.

Gaia Guard zealots sent us a message this morning confirming what many of us had already believed. They took responsibility for the latest attack, and promised more unless we, “stop pursuing the agenda of humankind and begin listening to the Earth.” In an attempt to end these senseless attacks and make the island a little safer, The Lahaina Merchants Association is offering a 5,000 rai reward for any information leading to the capture of any Gaia Guard zealot, and a 10,000 rai reward for any member dead or alive.

This was far from the first attack, but it was the deadliest so far. In the past week, Gaia Guard has launched numerous offensives, leading to great loss of life and property.

December 1, 2117:
At approximately 6:15 am a Gaia Guard strike team attacked our Whalanimal production area just south of Black Rock Beach. Five employees were killed in the attack, and many more injured. The perpetrators destroyed more than 200 gallons of Whalanimal Benthic Blue and Whalanimal Scrimshawberry flavors, saying that the drink was, “an abomination!” The group then pushed our brewing carcasses back into the sea, saying that they were letting the whales “go back home to rest.” Filled with proprietary chemicals, they were ignored by wildlife, and the tides took the carcasses out far enough that we could not immediately reach them. Unfortunately, the brewing process continued inside the whales, leading to an unexpected expelling of processing gases, and the unpleasant smell that has been lingering along the beach this week.

December 4, 2117:
A convoy transporting supplies, including over a thousand cans of SSHAM discovered in a newly uncovered portion of the SSHAM factory, was attacked by Gaia Guard zealots who had mined the road. All but one driver was killed in the explosion and ensuing attack. Many of the supplies were stolen and the vehicles were damaged beyond repair. Worst of all, the attackers opened every can of SSHAM in a large pile and set it on fire. The load was burnt so badly that it couldn’t even be repackaged as SSHAM Extra Dark. The surviving driver was told that meat, even from a can, was no longer allowed in Lahaina.

December 5, 2117:
While most of us were celebrating the opening of the garden, the Ananas Pineapple Farm was decimated. There were no survivors. Security cameras show that a brief firefight broke out at 10:00pm with farm personnel being quickly overwhelmed. Gaia Guard members can be seen destroying the pineapple crop and donning protective suits before spreading a substance throughout farm buildings. We now know that the substance was 127. The farm will be closed until proper decontamination procedures can be carried out, and the entire crop was lost.

The message claiming responsibility this morning reads in part:

“The fracture had given our mother the relief that she craved, and for many years the land and water healed, free of the taint of human interference. Our mother created many dangerous children to help keep the infestation from growing too large once again, but we knew we had to continue to stay vigilant and steadfast in our stewardship. Recently, it has become apparent that many of you did not learn anything that the fracture or our Mother has tried to teach you. You use the bodies of some of her most majestic children to brew foul drinks, you eat flesh that you’ve stuffed in cans, and you harvest plants that are not native to the soil, in order to sustain the growing number of parasites on the island. We applaud the opening of your garden of native species. It is proof that you know what is right in your heart, letting our Mother nurture her children in their proper place. Your continued efforts to restore what has been deemed cancerous by the very fabric of existence itself is unacceptable, and we will make sure that any further efforts to rebuild the past end with your deaths.”

As you can clearly see, these zealots need to be stopped. The Lahaina Merchants Association recommends caution when trying to deal with these dangerous individuals, they are armed and exceedingly dangerous. All information, and rewards must be processed through our main office just East of Kalani Beach. The LMA is not responsible for any loss of life or limb while in the pursuit of collecting a Gaia Guard bounty.

Researcher’s Journal Details Progress of SSHAM Plague at Lahaina Facility

March 3, 2082– It’s been 5 months since I sent a detailed list of my co-workers infractions to the corporate office. Their unprofessional attitude and lack of drive continue despite my best efforts. They routinely verbally abuse me and deride my continued dedication to our work. They continue to operate the lounge they created and are more interested in drinking the foul liquor produced from their still. I worry that the main office is swamped with problems from other facilities and don’t fully appreciate how bad the work environment here has become. At least the remaining maintenance crew still make a half-hearted effort to keep the place clean before leaving for the day to collect coconuts.

March 4, 2082– Everyone has their own way of passing time here. I prefer to immerse myself in my work, while my co-workers drink themselves into oblivion and devise new ways to torment me. The facilities staff on the other hand go on extended coconut hunts. They spend at least 8 hours a day putting coconuts in their maintenance bags. While I appreciate the contribution to the food stores, their trips have become quite wide ranging. I’ve expressed concerns about their safety but Reynolds has assured me it’s good for their morale. Whoever collects the biggest coconut gets the day off. Perhaps my co-workers would be more motivated if I could turn their work into a contest.

March 6, 2082– The maintenance guys had a big surprise for me today. They were finally able to open the security doors to the rear labs. A combination of fried electronics and rubble have kept us from accessing these areas since the fracture. I ask them not to mention it to anyone else. If the labs are operational I might finally have a sanctuary free from distractions. The crew begins to go through systems and make a list of what needs repair. Reynolds pitches in as well even though it’s his day off. For the first time in quite a while I feel good about my future here.

March 11, 2082– It took me a while to figure out what had infected the crew, and my findings are startling. They were exposed to a cloud of brownish particulates with a strong smell when restarting the biofilters in one of the newly available labs. It appears someone had put a large piece of SSHAM where the filter cartridge is supposed to go. Although I am still unsure of how exactly it happened, it appears that a virulent strain of bacteria had been growing inside the canned meat filter for the past 30 years unabated. The extent to which the radiation produced by the fracture shaped the bacteria’s growth is anyone’s guess. The effects on the crew were rapid and resembled some of the same physical changes that were common in others a few months after the fracture. I decided it was best to keep them locked in the contaminated room.

March 28, 2082– It’s been over two weeks since I locked the facilities crew in their lab. Their physical and mental changes continue. Their teeth have become much more robust and their arms and legs have grown. They have taken a hunched over posture and have a shuffling gait. They are no longer capable of complex communication, resorting to occasional grunts and hand gestures. My co-workers are oblivious and completely focused on their diversions, allowing me time to study the crew’s transformation.

March 30, 2082– There have been no further physical changes in the crew. It appears that some rudimentary memories remain in the subjects. If provided with their collection bags and coconuts, they will fight over the largest with the winner going to sleep in a corner while the rest shuffle around the room. They will pantomime certain everyday grooming activities when provided tools ie. brushing teeth, combing hair. They can be made to follow simple commands if I reward them with meat. I wonder if their cognitive functions will continue to erode?

March 31, 2082– My co-workers have crossed a serious line today. Still ignorant of the fate of the facilities crew and my studies, they raided my office again. They claim that they thought I had left since they “hadn’t heard me complain in a few days”. They spilled some sort of liquid over much of my equipment, ruining it. They took my furniture to replace the disgusting lounge furnishings. However, it was the stealing of my ration of coffee for use in their quest to make coffee moonshine that is the last straw. I realize now that I would be better off without them.

April 7, 2082– Even though their training had only lasted a week I believed the subjects were ready. I had been showing them my co-workers badges, saying “coconuts” loudly and rewarding them with meat once they reached an appropriate level of excitement. I will admit that I was still unsure what they would do once I gave them their bags and let them loose. They exceeded all my expectations. From the safety of the control room, I unlocked the doors and said, “coconuts” over the intercom. I watched them put the bags over their shoulders and shuffle down the hall to the stairs leading to the upper levels. The cameras no longer work in that area of the building, so I could only hear the conflict upstairs. Even though the attack was quite loud with ample screaming, it was over much more quickly than I imagined, no doubt due to my co-workers intoxication. All but one of the subjects returned to their room soon after with their gory trophies. By the way Reynolds curled up in the corner, it appears Dr. Reemer had the biggest head. I will have to measure for myself once the subjects have been sedated. The trail leading from the stairs to their room is quite distinct, so the upper levels must be a mess. I wonder if I can train them to mop up blood?

Consumer Group Sues for Testing of SSHAM’s New Product Line

A little over a month after SSHAM launched its new “Regional Flavors” line with such eyebrow raising flavors as goat infused SSHOAT, and the duck based SSHUCK, a consumer advocacy group has sued to stop distribution of the new products until DNA testing can be done. The watchdog group, “Truth in Labeling” says that over 50% of the samples they have tested do not contain any trace of the animals listed on the packaging. They are seeking an injunction forcing SSHAM to halt production until thorough genetic testing is complete. The Hawaii Department of Health has launched its own investigation into the matter. A SSHAM spokesperson says the company is cooperating fully with authorities, and stands behind the authenticity and flavor of their products.

Many SSHAM lovers were surprised by the sheer amount of new flavors launched last month, and while many were skeptical about their palatability, Truth in Labeling had much more serious concerns. A statement released by the group reads in part, “…..Unfortunately they [SSHAM] have chosen to cut corners, and knowingly use less expensive meats in at least half of the products tested. Customers were told to “Say shalom to SSHLOX in the morning!” However, instead of brined salmon, DNA testing shows that many were eating either carp or shad. We can think of no reasonable series of events in which one of the most prized and expensive freshwater fishes could be mistakenly replaced with species often considered “junk.” We believe SSHAM has intentionally mislabeled their products in an attempt to dupe the public and increase profits. We hope the court agrees, and we applaud the Hawaii Department of Health for their proactive measures.”

Betsy Kaukau, an investigator for the Department of Health, says that food oversight has made great strides when it comes to fresh items, but mislabeling of canned products happens more than most people think. She says the department is currently testing cans purchased at a number of stores from all over Hawaii, as well as samples of the new products confiscated at the factory in Lahaina. Kaukau warns about the dangers of mislabeled food, and claims that consumers need more protections.

“Back in the 2010’s mislabeled fish was a huge problem in the industry. Studies showed that fish was being mislabeled in stores by as much as 87%. One study that looked at 120 red snapper fillets found that only 7 of those fillets were actually red snapper. Thankfully laws were passed and we now routinely DNA test fish in stores and restaurants to make sure consumers are getting what they are paying for. While we’ve almost eliminated counterfeit fish and other fresh items, we dropped the ball on canned and processed food. In my opinion mislabeled food is the single biggest threat we are facing as a society. The lies these companies tell erode away consumer confidence, and can have serious effects on people with allergies and special dietary needs, whether they be medical or religious. It seems like SSHAM is going around slapping a couple of S’s in front of foods, and putting whatever they want in a can, despite the laws put in place to prevent such actions. People worry about war, crime, or the lasting effects of 127, but what they should really be scared of is the ticking time bomb of canned lies waiting to be opened in their cupboards.”

SSHAM denies the allegations and has hired its own independent testing company to sample the entire product line. The controversy comes at a bad time for the company. It was announced just days ago that it was a sponsor of this years upcoming Oktoberfest in Munich, where they planned to unveil their SSHAM infused spatzle, SSHATZLE, to the hungry crowds. “Consumers can count on our products to have accurate labeling, and the shrimpy, salted taste they’ve come to love,” SSHAM says in their response to the lawsuit.

While many have found the allegations shocking, some diehard fans have come to the company’s defense. One such SSHAM fan is John Driscol. The Lahaina native says that the findings were probably a mix-up and that nobody could taste the difference anyway.

“I really like SSHAM. It’s easy to cook in all sorts of ways and comes in it’s own container so there’s no dishes, but let’s be honest. I’ve tried some of the new flavors and they pretty much all taste just like regular SSHAM, really salty processed meat with a slightly fishy finish. They may be slightly different colors or have slightly different textures, but it’s all just ground up meat slurry. Maybe one in a million could tell the difference, but most people wouldn’t be able to tell the difference between SSHOAT or SSHAM First Pressing Reserve. It’s like that Bob’s Best Burger blend you can buy at Big Bites stores. It’s supposed to make the best burgers you’ve ever had, but it’s almost $7 a pound. There’s no way I’m paying that crook Abramo that much for burger. I just saved some stickers and put it on the burger when we have cookouts. Nobody has ever been able to tell the difference. The same is true for these new flavors. There’s nothing bad for you in it, besides the extraordinary amounts of sodium and nitrates I mean. Meat’s all the same once its been blended into a slurry with salt and spices. These people need to relax and not worry so much about what’s in the processed meat product they’re eating.”

SSHAM Announces New “Regional Flavors” Product Line

There’s no doubt that Lahaina’s favorite canned meat product has come a long way since Art Pua’a blended up that first loaf in his kitchen almost two decades ago. Hawaiian’s love of SSHAM is famous, and helped the company expand to the mainland, where it has become a guilty pleasure for thousands living on the West Coast. But what if the company’s famous shrimpy-ham flavor was replaced with shrimpy-goat or shrimpy-duck? Would consumers really go for SSHOAT or SSHUCK? The company is banking they will, and is set to launch a new line of SSHAM designed to cater to specific tastes and regions of the U.S. as well as the international market.

Whether you have a slice with your coffee in the morning, or diced in your noodles later in the day, if you live on Maui, chances are you’re going to eat SSHAM today. A recent survey showed that over 50% of Maui natives eat SSHAM at least once a day. According to SSHAM creator and CEO Art Pua’a that sort of brand loyalty is no accident. The company’s success comes down to listening to his customers and focusing on the familiar flavors of the island, Art claims, and now he plans on doing the same in a number of regional markets.

“We’re really building on the massive success of Pineapple SSHAM,” he says. “We learned a lot about the draw of familiar flavors to consumers. There are just certain things you expect to eat when visiting specific locations. Some foods and proteins are a part of an area’s culinary DNA. We’ve identified over 30 of these areas, both on the mainland and internationally, where we feel we can take advantage of non-traditional meats and tastes. You’ll hear the herds of bison thundering in your belly when you taste a chunk of SSHISON in the Great Plains, consumers in North Africa will be anything but gruff when they open a can of SSHOAT, and our Chinese friends will be quaking with delight with every slice of SSHUCK. By providing customers with the flavors they grew up with, elevated by the amazing taste of SSHAM, we hope to make our canned meat products a staple across the globe.”

While goat flavored SSHAM may sound strange to many, Pua’a’s plans are not that unusual. Many restaurants and grocery chains offer special regional menus and products in different areas and countries. Industry insiders say the expansion could be huge for the company if their products are well received. If SSHAM can gain a customer base internationally as loyal as it is in Hawaii, it could be a game changer for Pua’a and his employees.

Despite Pua’a’s exuberance, not everyone is sold on the idea of using regionally specific proteins. Creature Comfort Animal Sanctuary Director, and the man behind Lahaina’s park cleaning squirrel crews Brandon Kama worries about the animals planned to be part of the new line of products.

“I think SSHAM needs to be very careful with a few of it’s planned products. Conservation laws and practices can vary greatly in other countries, and they all don’t take sustainability as seriously as we do. Some of the flavors I’ve seen make my stomach churn, not because of their questionable palatability, but because of the undue pressure on populations that stuffing some of these animals into a can of SSHAM could cause. Take their planned whale infused product, WHAM, for example. The international community has clearly said that whaling is cruel and inhumane. Yet Art seems happy to grind up whale meat and put it in a can if he thinks there’s a market. The misplaced sea otter pod that has taken up residence in Oneloa Bay is thriving. What if someone decided their meat was delicious? Would we see cans of SSHOTTER on the shelves? I feel that the company should slow down and learn more about these animals and their populations before grinding them up.”

Some islanders have more unique concerns about the new SSHAM products revolving around the urban legend of the shrig. Glimpsea and YouTube personality Randy Wilcox has publicly questioned the expansion over concerns of new animal hybrids being created and possibly escaping.

“Shrigs are real and they’re no joke! My brother and his wife broke into the factory a few years ago looking for the shrimp-pig hybrids that SSHAM created to save money. Nothing happened to him, but my sister-in-law got bit by one when they were trying to sneak back out. She didn’t get a good look at it, but she saw a doctor and got pictures of the wound on her backside. One of them escaped and broke into a Big Bites store less than a month ago. Now imagine how much damage an armored lion, tiger, or bear could do? Oh my is right! You can’t turn back time on an angry Shear. I think someone in the government needs to take a good luck at what they’re making in that factory before it’s too late.”

Authorities Dismantle Massive SSHAM Money Laundering Enterprise

Federal authorities say that they have shutdown one of the largest money laundering rings Hawaii has ever seen. According to papers filed on Thursday, the criminal enterprise laundered over $350 million in the past 5 years. However, it is not the amount of money that 40-year-old Alex Luahi processed that is garnering so much attention. It is the way he laundered the money, and the way he got caught that is grabbing headlines all the way to the mainland. According to prosecutors, Luahi was laundering money as the island’s largest SSHAM distributer.

Officials say the Luahi family have long ties to criminal organizations in Hawaii. Alex’s father served as a lieutenant in the famous Hawaiian crime syndicate known as The Company. For almost 30 years, The Company controlled virtually all criminal activity on the islands but was stopped in the 1990s. However, many escaped prosecution and some of the criminal elements that filled the void began their own enterprises, eventually becoming clients of Alex.

Authorities claim that Alex worked as a middleman for many years, holding stolen property and hiding vehicles in his warehouses before taking advantage of his job as a food distributor. They say everything began to change 5-years ago when Alex began to launder money for a number of organizations. At the same time Luahi began his criminal enterprise, his legitimate business was booming, making him the biggest SSHAM distributer in Hawaii. At any given time, Luahi warehouses held over a million cans of: SSHAM, SSHAM Less, and SSHAM Extra Spicy in inventory. However, Lauhi’s success, notoriety, and personal indulgences began to concern some of his clients.

Everyone on the island began to know Alex as the SSHAM Chief because of his lavish lifestyle, and his fleet of SSHAM styled cars. Insiders say Luahi would hold extravagant theme parties for friends and clients every weekend. Ice sculptured cans, SSHAM fountains, and grand buffets with the canned meat product served in every imaginable way, greeted guests and started rumors circulating.

It was said that Luahi’s office desk was covered in silver trays heaping with slices of pure SSHAM that had never seen the inside of a can, and that he was working on a dehydrated smokable version. Many other outlandish excesses were attributed to the SSHAM Chief as well. He made headlines last year when he donated all the SSHAM at SSHAM Fest from his personal stock. It was then that authorities began to take notice of Luahi’s operation, and his criminal customers started making their concerns known.

Things came to a head last month after 28-year-old Rodger Hihio crashed a truck containing 24 tons of artisanal SSHAM and damaged much of the load. For many foodies and SSHAM aficionados summer means one thing, the release of the First Pressing Reserve, the finest SSHAM of the year. Many wait all year to stock-up on the seasonal delicacy. It is not unusual for stores to sell out within hours. With the crash destroying around 10% of the total supply, the price began to soar. When Luahi announced he was personally keeping another 10% of the supply as an investment, the ensuing publicity was the last straw.

According to papers filed on Thursday, Alex’s frightened brother Craig came to the feds looking for help and protection. A quality control manager at the SSHAM factory in Lahaina, Craig claimed to have limited knowledge about the business itself, but admitted falsifying manifests and records. He told authorities that he and his family had been threatened and he feared that his brother’s life was in danger saying that, “All that salty-spicy-shrimped goodness has gone to his head. He can’t see past all the empty First Press Select cans anymore. He’s put himself and his family in danger over crazy parties and canned meat.”

The Treasury Department’s Office of Investigations (OIG) and other federal authorities say the arrests this morning are just the beginning of an ongoing 6 month investigation, and that more are coming. The self proclaimed SSHAM Chief Alex Luahi is facing 36 counts of money laundering and fraud. He is expected to enter a plea sometime early next week.

Transcript: SSHAM Expansion Focus Group Session 7

Moderator: First, I’d like to thank you all for agreeing to be part of this special breakout session today. You four seemed to have the strongest opinions about SSHAM, SSHAM branding, and additions to the SSHAM family. Now, to level set the discussion would you all briefly describe how you feel about SSHAM and the SSHAM brand of products.

Elizabeth: This may not be what you want to hear, but sometimes people need to hear the truth. I think it stinks, literally. I just can’t get over the smell. It’s like a garbage can filled with herring and garlic slowly burning on a windy day. I eat SSHAM at the Rotary Club once a year because it’s a tradition, but I never have it at home.

Kevin: I appreciate the thorough labeling on SSHAM cans, and your non-deceptive advertising. One of the worst things a company can do is lie to their potential customer base even when the information may not be flattering. For instance, I appreciate that you can easily confirm on the packaging that one slice of SSHAM contains 120% of your recommended daily intake of sodium, also the loaves in the commercial look almost exactly like the product when it comes out of the can. A big-slightly-moist brick of slurry meat.

Ano: Sorry to be that guy, but everything really. I love SSHAM. I haven’t found a type that I didn’t like. I even liked the coffee flavored SSHAM when it was around. I like it boiled, grilled, baked, fried, sous-vide, heck, I’ll eat it straight out of the can.

Gary: I like SSHAM too. I’m not sure I’d eat it out of a can, but I think it’s good. Sorry, I came here today hoping that I’d get to see one of the shrigs. Are we going to get a chance to see one today?

Moderator: Shrigs?

Gary: Yeah, the shrimp-pig hybrids that SSHAM is made from.

Kevin: Shrigs are what is known as an urban legend. That is a story usually passed by word of mouth that…..

Ano: Shrigs aren’t real

Gary: Like they don’t exist in nature?

Elizabeth: There’s no such thing as shrigs. SSHAM is just a bunch of pig parts that nobody wants to use for anything chopped up and blended with shrimp parts, chemicals, and spices.

Gary: Is that true? I guess I don’t want any chemicals in my body, for sure.

Moderator: SSHAM is a mixture of select pork products mixed with shrimp and a secret blend of spices to enhance it’s natural flavor. I assure you, there is no strange shrimp creatures in a can of SSHAM. Let’s move on. What would you say is your favorite flavor of SSHAM.

Elizabeth: Like I said, I reluctantly eat SSHAM First Pressing Reserve once a year.

Ano: Oh man, that’s like asking which one of your kids is your favorite? I love SShamplete, the meal replacement drinks and SSHAM Extra Dark for the increased umami flavor. I guess those are my favorites

Kevin: I prefer SShlobster flavor. It’s very creamy and I can actually go down to the docks and see the deformed crustaceans used in its creation. You can really taste how soft the shells are in each slice. It tastes just like you’d expect it to.

Gary: So SSHAM Extra Spicy isn’t made from shrigs that lived on an exclusive pepper diet? You guys just add spicy stuff to the meat shake you’re making?

Moderator: How would you feel about SSHAM offering international flavors? What sorts of flavors would you like to see in the future?

Kevin: I don’t have what I’d consider to be a good palate and this question is beyond the areas of my expertise. I’d just ask that you keep the labeling clear and honest. Other than that, I don’t feel comfortable answering.

Elizabeth: Anything that doesn’t smell or taste like SSHAM would be a good start.

Ano: I think it’s be super cool to add international flavors. I bet there are a lot of asian flavors in particular that would be very good. Maybe add some different proteins like bison, sheep or lamb, duck, or turkey for Thanksgiving or something. Man, you got me thinking now. Just about anything would be awesome! Sorry my brain is just all over the place thinking about the possibilities.

Gary: I don’t know what it’s officially called, but I really like the taste of the #12 from China House down the street from me. Sorry, I just can’t believe that shrigs aren’t real. I mean, I feel like I’m the last kid to find out Santa isn’t real. It’s just blowing my mind. It’s like your gonna tell me that there’s no such thing as a bologna cow next.

Kevin: Bologna is actually a fine ground sausage usually made from pork, bits of pork fat, and spices to make a flavorful meat with a distinctive taste and smooth texture. It can also be made with a number of other animal proteins, most commonly beef and turkey.

Gary: So there’s no bologna cows and beef bologna in the store is just some kind of huge sausage sliced thin?

Moderator: I feel like we’re getting off track. Can we please try and focus on the questions before us and SSHAM. Thank you. Now, on a scale of 1-10 1 being “absolutely will not” and 10 being “I absolutely will” how likely would you say you are to try a new SSHAM flavor when it’s available in the store?

Kevin: I feel like this question is an invasion of my privacy and that you are trying to leverage some sort of subliminal peer pressure in us, and I find it unacceptable. I choose not to answer this question and would encourage the others not to answer it as well.

Elizabeth: I would say -15.

Ano: 10, absolutely a 10. I’m a SSHAM man. What can I say? If you it slice it, I will eat it.

Gary: So I know that not every meat is named what it is made of. Pastrami is brined smoked beef, and ham is pork. Turkey is turkey of course but are you sure that there aren’t bologna cows or shrigs? What about corned beef? That’s cows that eat a lot of corn right?

Kevin: Actually, like pastrami, corned beef is simply a cured preparation of beef, but instead of smoking the cured meat at the end you boil it until…..

Moderator: Again, I feel like we’re getting offtopic. Can we please just focus on the questions I have about SSHAM. How do you feel about our past promotions and what would you like to see us do in future promotions.

Kevin: That is the second time you’ve rudely interrupted me. Coupled with your subliminal tactics, and your ham-handed attempt to ascertain the likelyhood of my future SSHAM purchases, I refuse to participate any further. Your aggression towards me is uncalled for and unprofessional. I request that you provide me with a take home questionnaire so I can still express my opinions to the company without your combative demeanor getting in the way, and tainting my thoughts and expressions.

Elizabeth: Wow! This spiraled down the drain in a hurry. I’d suggest just avoiding some of the mistakes of the past, like the bits of metal in Iron SSHAM and avoid using toxic shrimp like you did a few years ago. On second thought, just keep doing what you are doing. It seems to be working for you, and the unfortunate individuals who actually like your canned meat loaf.

Ano: I love reading the SSHAM Stories page for inspiration, and we get a lot of cool ideas for using the cans at the maker commune. Of course SSHAM Fest is the best. It’s the only time of year that I can eat enough SSHAM. I’d say that you should expand into other foods. Stuff like snacks, cereal, or ice cream. Be creative. Challenge my taste buds and my thoughts about what SSHAM can be.

Gary: So what’s salami? I feel like everyone just wants to move on and not acknowledge just how confusing lunch meat, and this whole “there’s no shrigs” thing is. I know you get bacon from a certain part of the pig but where do you get the hot dogs from? Am I the stupid one here? Do most people really know this? Did they show us a film about shrigs not being real and meat slurries when we were kids? Was I sick that day? I feel like maybe the formation of some sort of educational initiative is in order!

Moderator: Thank you all very much for your time.

Massive SSHAM Theft Ends With Crash

An extended police chase through Lahaina came to an end last night, when 28-year-old Rodger Hihio crashed a tractor trailer, spilling 24 tons of stolen artisanal SSHAM. Responding to a call about a theft at the area processing plant, police soon located Hihio traveling down Front street. According to the report, the suspect refused to stop, and a hour-long chase ensued with Hihio running roadblocks and driving down trails in the preservation zone. The chase finally came to a conclusion when he lost control and crashed into the controversial barrier wall surrounding the Lahaina neighborhood of Tanager Lane, sending thousands of cans of SSHAM First Pressing Reserve flying through the air.

Hihio had worked as a fulfillment specialist at the factory for over 10 years and has no criminal background, but co-workers say he had recently became “troubled”. According to those close to him, Rodger had become convinced that a worldwide cataclysm was looming and that SSHAM would become more valuable than gold.

Hihio’s family says the trouble started this Spring after a trip to a family reunion. “He called me as soon as he got home, I could barely understand what he was talking about,” says his brother James. “I told him to calm down and talk slowly. He told me that he had a vision when he was traveling back through the veil. I thought he was playing a prank on me at first, but he was serious. He said the world was about to end and only a few of us were going to survive. He started talking about how important having water, guns, and SSHAM was. He said we needed to start stockpiling as much as we could. We tried to get him help but he refused to see anyone.”

Rodger began to share his apocalyptic SSHAM beliefs at work as well. Coworkers say that he would talk for hours about the antiseptic properties of the beloved canned meat product, as well as its multitude of other uses. Fellow employee Craig Luahi says that Hihio become obsessed.

“All he would do in his free time is read the SSHAM Stories page and take notes. Don’t get me wrong, I love working for SSHAM, and it is an amazingly versatile product, but we all need some downtime that doesn’t involve canned meat. Rodger said that SSHAM was going to be one of the most important commodities after the fall of civilization and that people would be willing to kill over it. I’m not sure who contacted HR, but I know management had a talk with him and he stopped talking about his beliefs during work hours. I could tell he really believed what he was saying though. That’s why I knew something was up when I saw him pulling away from the loading dock. All shipments that large, especially the premium SSHAM, go in the automated trucks now. I called the supervisor and she contacted the police.”

Hihio was spotted driving the stolen truck on Front Street within minutes of the call and police tried to initiate a traffic stop, but he refused to pull over. For the next hour authorities chased Hihio up and down the Honoapiilani Highway, down preservation zone trails, across lawns and throughout the Lahaina area. Stop sticks did little to slow down the desperate man. Authorities say they called off the pursuit numerous times out of fear that the suspect would injure innocent bystanders or destroy the load with his erratic driving and reckless speeds.

Eventually Hihio lost control trying to drive across a drainage ditch and smashed into the wall surrounding Tanager Lane, spilling tons of SSHAM over a wide area. Rodger was taken into custody after a brief struggle, and crews continue this morning to clean up the area. Authorities say that the damage could have been much worse and that the wall surrounding the Lahaina neighborhood “saved numerous lives.”

A SSHAM spokesperson says the company plans on strengthening security procedures and regrets that Mr. Hihio did not avail himself of the counseling offered. They add, “While Rodger clearly was a confused young man, he definitely had very good taste. SSHAM First Pressing Reserve is the epitome of processed meat products, and available for a very brief window every year. Thankfully, a portion of the stolen load survived the accident.”

Elizabeth Stonegate, Tanager Lane HOA President and Compliance Liaison to the Mayor’s Office, says that the incident was alarming but confirms the need for the wall around the neighborhood.

“I don’t know that there could have been a more perfect example of why we need the barrier wall around Tanager Lane. I hope this finally silences my critics. I know the police have credited the barrier with saving lives, but to be perfectly honest, I’m not sure. Who could see a smoking semi being chased by a dozen police cars with lights and sirens blaring, and not know enough to get out of the way? As HOA President what I’m more interested in is all the property damage it saved, and the preservation zone violations it prevented. My mandatory hibiscus planting program has increased home values at least 1.5% since it began. I shudder to think of the damage a semi truck with a crazed driver could have done to the lawns around the neighborhood. On top of that, the whole area where he crashed stinks. I’m sure we’ll have to deal with a few more seabirds flying over the area for the next few days. However, that’s nothing compared to the hordes of animals that are going to be attracted to that shrimpy stench. Without a wall to keep them out, our 100% preservation zone compliance rating might have been in danger. Thankfully, none of the landscaping was damaged by this lunatic and his truckload of fancy canned meat. This could have turned into a major issue!”

Plant-Based SSHAM Receives Mixed Reviews In Lahaina

The processed meat world was turned on its ear this week when SSHAM introduced its first completely plant-based formula, SSHANT. Despite rumors that the bright green loaf was a St. Patrick’s Day stunt, it appears the algae-based flavor is here to stay. While some are calling it the worst vegan-friendly food on the market, SSHAM fans are hailing the new variety as a great meal-time option. The company claims that SSHANT is “…a big first step in food sustainability and tastier plant-based mealtime options.”

SSHAM is probably the last thing on the average person’s mind when they’re planning a meatless Monday menu, but SSHAM CEO Art Pua’a hopes to change expectations. With an estimated 12 million Hawaiians eating at least one vegan meal a week Pua’a is hoping to break into the growing plant-based food market. SSHANT is the company’s first vegan variety and has been an unexpected hit with Lahaina consumers.

“It’s all about sustainability and locally sourced ingredients,” says Pua’a. On the heels of its “regional flavors” product line that saw such varieties as Pineapple SSHAM and the goat-based SSHOAT, the company is betting that SSHANT will be the cornerstone to a whole new group of eco-friendly products.

He says, “Trying to balance feeding a larger population while ensuring minimal environmental impact is a growing concern for us. How our food is produced and what types of food we’re eating can have a significant effect on the planet. Our goal is to have a can of SSHAM in every pantry around the world, and the only way we can do that is with SSHANT. Our revolutionary drying and pressing process combined with locally grown algae from Ananas Farms has allowed us to create the best tasting most sustainable plant-based food the world has ever seen. The future of canned food is SSHANT and we’re more than happy to give everyone a taste of what’s to come.”

Chef Craig Hoomaau, however, disagrees with the SSHAM CEO. The transpersonal plating instructor at the Kokua Wellness Center says that SSHANT is the worst vegan food he has ever come across calling it a “disaster in a can.”

“This wolf in plant’s clothing is devoid of all the things that make a plant-based diet healthy. The pure solar energy that fills most vegan foods is eclipsed in SSHANT with sodium, fillers, and artificial flavors. It is full of sugar, highly processed, and quite frankly has the consistency of hard gelatin. Obesity, heart disease, and diabetes are a huge public health concern that can be combated with a healthy plant-based diet and regular tonal cleansing. Instead of promoting cellular harmony, SSHANT will throw your immune system into chaos. This is not the beginning of a food revolution. The only thing revolutionary about SSHANT is how few nutrients make it through the canning process. I can’t warn the public strongly enough to stay away from this misleading and misguided product.”

One look at the nutritional information on the can does show that SSHANT is incredibly high in fat, sodium, and sugar for a product many consider a “health food”, but SSHAM fans don’t seem to mind. In fact, some consider it a selling point. Streamer and Lahaina resident Randy Wilcox says he likes that SSHANT doesn’t try to change the things that make SSHAM great.

“People don’t eat SSHAM because of how healthy it is. They eat it because it tastes great. SSHANT tastes so much like regular SSHAM that I couldn’t believe it. Like many Hawaiians, I’ve thought about making more plant-based food choices but I didn’t want to be associated with the kind of people who are always talking about how awesome not eating meat is. I mean nobody wants to be the dude who brings the kale salad to the Luau.

I understand that eating more plants and fewer animals might be better for the environment, but who wants to live in a world like that. Sheep are great but I don’t want to become one. Until I found SSHANT I never knew that eating vegan could be cool. I don’t worry at all what my friends will say if I show up someplace with my teeth stained green.

I work better on a high nitrate and sodium diet. It may be a little too gelatinous for my liking but the taste more than makes up for the texture. There aren’t a bunch of added vitamins and minerals to screw up the flavor, just a natural blend of algae, preservatives, and flavored binders. It tastes like science and the sea, not a handful of leaves. SSHANT is vegan food for people who don’t want to be vegans.”

Kokua Wellness Center Strike Continues In Row Over Newuskin Expansion

For the past 7 years, The Kokua Wellness Center and Spa has been known as one of the world’s premier destinations for mindful relaxation and facilitated personal growth. Despite its reputation as a peaceful sanctuary for many of Lahaina’s elite, the center has been in turmoil recently. Many of the spa’s most popular instructors walked out in protest last Wednesday and say they have no plans on returning until their concerns are addressed.

Kokua is one of less than 50 facilities worldwide authorized to provide the wildly popular rejuvenating Newuskin treatments. The beauty treatments became an important part of the center’s business and integrated well with the spa’s other programs and offerings. Employees say that balance was upset at the beginning of this year when Vereserum, Newuskin’s parent company, sold the business to longtime rival Reparre Biologic.

According to the disgruntled instructors, Newuskin threatened to pull its machines from the facility unless Kokua devoted more space and promotional money to the Newuskin line of treatments. They say that many popular programs were curtailed or discontinued altogether, with the time and space filled by Newuskin products. For many, replacing the long-time manager Ascended Pali-ites Master Autumn with Notsuko, the Newuskin objective transformation intelligence network, was the last straw.

Autumn says,

“The Kokua that I loved and helped grow is not reflected in the contents or conscience of the people inside that building. Together, we manifested the world’s greatest holistic healing center. A place where you could learn about spiritual nutrition, alternative wellness, and have your chakras aligned through deliberate stretching techniques. However, we’ve become a glorified chop-shop where you can come in and get your outside stripped down and replaced, with little thought to cultivating any form of inner beauty or strength. I was alarmed when our Barraloha classes were cancelled but I was horrified when I was introduced to their AI program, Notsuko. I was informed that it would be taking over spa operations and that effectively immediately, we were going to end our astrological based billing and institute a predetermined pricing structure. When I asked Notsuko if it seriously thought that spiritually cleansing someone born under a fire sign was as easy as cleansing someone with a water sign, it said, “Yes”. I knew then that the inmates were running the asylum. If they think we are going to give up without a fight however, they are sadly mistaken. I think all of us are committed to fighting and focusing our energies on a better Kokua.”

Kokua management had no comment on the strike but people familiar with the issue say that they are considering all options. While not directly involved in the dispute at the wellness center, Reparre’s President Shawn Hastings has offered the use of Notsuko to all facilities providing Newuskin treatments. “While completely safe and reliable, the Newuskin process is incredibly complex, and in our opinion, best managed by our Notsuko technology. Look, the age of AI is here. In the past decade, we’ve seen many corporations use AI to streamline their business. All of Phxicom’s networks are overseen by Phxie, SSHAM’s customer service operations are handled by Shawn, and Veilcorp’s Valarie keeps operations running smoothly. Frankly, we are a little late to the party with the introduction of Notsuko. I understand that some may see it as a threat, but I assure you that our intentions are good. We only want to help support businesses offering Newuskin treatments, not push anybody out.”

According to Chef Craig Hoomaau nothing could be further from the truth.

“Despite what those wielding false power have said, I can vouch for the veracity of Autumn’s story. I’ve been teaching mindful chewing and purposeful swallowing strategies for over 15 years now. I developed one of the best transpersonal plating curriculums in the world and taught thousands to enjoy their meals beyond the limits of their five senses, but all of that didn’t matter to Kokua management and Notsuko. I was informed that my program was responsible for less than 3% of total revenue and was in danger of being cancelled. On top of that, they removed our kitchenette and spacious reflection area with vending machines and a small break area to make room for more Newuskin beds. Our kombucha dispenser is gone and I can no longer feed my fellow life guides nutritious organic, gluten-free, vegan delights. Instead, to save money, we have a machine filled with Manimal, chips, SSham bites, and other processed horrors. I don’t know when people decided that running a business was all about money, but we’re taking a stand at Kokua. We’ll show them that there’s more to living than the veil of modern life. We won’t be bullied into their malignant thinking and we will withhold our vital services until they start respecting the Aloha spirit and soul again.”

15th Annual SSHAM Fest: A Day of Spicy-Salted-Goodness

Hawaii’s celebration of its favorite processed meat product turns 15 this year and just like SSHAM, it has only gotten better with age. Every year people from around the globe come to celebrate what started as an accident in the kitchen of Art Pua’a, and has turned into a food revolution. Front Street will be closed to traffic this Saturday and downtown will belong to lovers of “The meat of 1,000 uses.”

Top restaurants and a number of Hawaiian retailers will be on-hand to offer a variety of SSHAM related products and food. Two stages with free entertainment, and numerous special events throughout the day will keep everyone entertained. Last year, an estimated 65,000 people shared their love of shrimped-spiced-ham. There are no admission charges and the entertainment is free. A portion of all other proceeds will go to the Lahaina Watershed Alliance. The LWA works with private landowners around the preservation zone to extend protected areas and ensure clean clean water for residents, farms, and businesses. If it’s your first time or your 15th, we hope you come down and enjoy what local residents and visitors alike have made an annual tradition.

SSHAM Fest starts at 8am and ends with the lighted drone show over Lahaina Harbor at 11pm. Throughout the day, vendors will offer a variety of unique arts and crafts including: SSHAM soap, candles, cosmetics, and natural health/beauty products. Our SSHAM Slam stage offers local poets, musicians, and artists a chance to express their love of our canned meat and is open all day. “SSHAM stories are your stories,” and our Stories Stage is open to the public so you can tell the world what SSHAM means to you.

Ride around in style by renting one of Ano Lee’s SSHAM powered bikes, or just stop by to see how SSHAM might be the fuel of the future. Don’t worry about your camera. You can follow all the action and preserve every memory thanks to our SSHAM Cam sponsored by Glimpsea. There are a number of planned events throughout the day as well. This year’s schedule is as follows:

10:00am – Shrig Calling Contest: Art may say they don’t exist, but the rumors of shrimp-pig hybrids seems to persist. You can’t have a SSHAM celebration without its main ingredient. We don’t care if you snort, squeal, howl or gurgle just do it loud enough to entertain the crowd and judges.

12:00am – Sculpture contest: Competitors have all morning to carve, cut, mold, and sear a 90 pound block of SSHAM for our judge’s discerning eye. You won’t believe how life-like and intricate their works can be. All sculptures are donated to the Maui food bank at the end of the day.

2:00pm – Awarding of the SSHAM Can: Perhaps the most prestigious culinary prize in Hawaii, the SSHAM Can goes to the creator of the best SSHAM dish on the island. So far, that dish has always been Ralph Umeke’s SSHAM pho. He wants to add a 15th Can to his collection, but he has some stiff competition from the big island this year. Make sure and see if Uncle Ralph can extend his reign as the SSHAM cooking king.

4:00pm – SSHAM Eating Competition: After watching the culinary talents of some of the world’s best chefs, why not take a break and watch a group of the crazy-brave engulf SSHAM at a gut-busting speed. Will anyone beat Big Bob Abramo’s 13 can record? Stop by and see or enter the competition yourself and find out how many cans your stomach can stand.

6:00pm – Winner of SSHAM Science Fair Announced: Sponsored by Veilcorp, the science fair has become a highlight of the festival. With the help of their Veilcorp mentors, what these kids can create with SSHAM and some imagination is amazing. The company funds the top 5 projects every year, and provides scholarships to contestants to help cultivate the next generation of innovators. Previous winners include a cheap and consumable water filtration system, and a topical treatment that repels mosquitoes and other biting insects for 90 days.

Whether you want to see one of the competitions or just spend a day enjoying the sights and sounds, the festival is family-friendly and great for all ages. Don’t miss helping us celebrate 15 years of SSHAM love!