STORYLINE

Addressing the Fallout From Mr. Sprinkles’ Visit

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Good morning Mr. Pua’a. Let me start out by expressing my regret about the tone of our interactions over the past few months. I take my job here at SSHAM very seriously and I’m proud to run the breeding and nursing facility. I agree with your vision of the future and the important part that the shrigs have to play. I understand how much money the company has put into their development, I consider protecting their well-being to be my primary goal. That’s why I was so shocked that you had decided to give Mr. Abramo and his daughter Mrs. Essen a tour of the facility. Given the secret nature of our work here it seemed a strange move. When I saw that his daughter had brought her pet pig, I had to speak up. I apologize about our exchange in front of them, but I felt strongly at the time that the introduction of another animal would have an impact on the shrig’s egg-laying cycle. Now it appears I was right, but not in the way I had expected.

I believe Building S is the most advanced animal husbandry facility in the world and I’m very proud of it. When I started working here we had one crazy idea: combine a shrimp and a pig to create an animal that would have little environmental impact and would be easy to raise anywhere there was access to water. Today we have a thriving population of shrigs. Unfortunately, because of the nature of their existence and the public’s opinion on genetically modified foods, we have to ensure the secrecy of the program. I did not understand why you would allow strangers and another animal in without giving us a warning, or discussing it with me first.

Of course, I had heard of Mr. Sprinkles before. I had watched him in the news visiting the hospital on Molokai, helping to raise the spirits of patients there. I even vaguely remembered that Mr. Abramo’s daughter had become his owner and had used him as the ring bearer in her wedding. What I wasn’t prepared for was just how shiny he was in real life and his energy level. He was like living glitter and was zipping around everywhere making me concerned about the shrig’s reaction.

I tried to personally keep an eye on him, but Mr. Abramo’s passion for what we are doing here sucked me in. We must have been discussing the shrig life-cycle for almost an hour when I heard the squeals, shrieks, and a horrible sloshing sound coming from the main holding area.

I thought that my concerns had come true and I’d find bits of sparkly skin stuck in the slots of the fencing where the shrigs had pulled Sprinkles through. Instead, I found that the little pig had somehow lept the fence and was running about the pen while the shrigs squealed. It looked like they were playing. Brandi apologized and some of our technicians removed Sprinkles, but it was clear to everyone that it was time to go. We scrubbed the fencing and quarantined the animals Sprinkles had contact with, just in case he had brought in a pathogen but all seemed well. 94 days later we learned that Sprinkles wasn’t just playing in that pen.

The first hatchling with an iridescent pattern was brought to me immediately. By the end of the day, we had 23 shimmering little shrigs, all from sows that had been in the pen where we found Mr. Sprinkles. By the end of the week, the number had grown to 54. They averaged 15% smaller than the usual shriglet and didn’t seem to be able to filter feed like a purebred of their kind. All I could think of was the millions of dollars wasted and whether or not the mothers would still be viable since their breeding has been so difficult for us. While the little things were beautiful to look at, we’re creating food for the future here, not boutique pets. Then it occurred to me. We had 54 hatchlings from 7 mothers. Even though they were a bit smaller, that was an incredible insemination rate. He may be small and glossy, but that little pig is packing something powerful.

I think it would be in our best interest if you reached out to Mr. Abramo and Mrs. Essen to discuss the possibility of using Mr. Sprinkles’ services again. Of course this time we would conduct the coupling in a more controlled environment. We need to determine if there is something special physically that he is doing, or if his amazing fertility is a result of his extensive genetic manipulation. I have no idea what an appropriate stud fee would be since obviously, this is a unique case. Perhaps Mr. Abramo would be amenable to signing a confidentiality agreement and we could provide him with one of our older nonbreeding sows. Clackers hasn’t laid a viable clutch in months, so losing her wouldn’t be a major loss to the program. Everyone knows how obsessed he is with eating, the man created a museum dedicated to meat after all. I think if he discovers how delicious shrig shumai is, we should have no problem setting up an arrangement. Judging from the noises coming from the pen that day, I don’t think Mr. Sprinkles would complain either.

STORYLINE

Water Treatment Plant Implements New Purification Process Using SSHAM and Electricity

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Lahaina customers woke up this morning to news that their water will be disinfected using a eyebrow raising new treatment system. The county Department of Water Supply announced that they would be replacing chlorine gas, with SSHAM and electricity to make water safe for the public. Officials say the new process is just as safe as the previous method, but is cheaper and better for the environment. If all goes as planned, the department will be retrofitting the new water treatment system in its seven other surface water treatment facilities across Maui.

The new process takes advantage of SSHAM’s unique texture which acts as a natural filter, emulsifier, and enjoys some interesting anti-bacterial properties. After an initial run which cleanses the water of large particulates, electricity is added combining with the salt in Hawaii’s favorite meat product, making a hypochlorite solution, similar to household bleach. This solution is much safer to store, and for plant staff to handle. The department says the new treatment system meets all state and federal drinking water quality and safety requirements.

Mayor Cravalho hails the new system as a shining example of Hawaiian ingenuity and the Aloha spirit. “The truth of the matter is that we’re still feeling the effects of hurricane Neki. Even with the help of disaster relief funds, Lahaina is facing a $500,000 projected budget deficit this year. Just carrying out the normal business of government is a struggle, let alone helping those still suffering from the storm. Luckily, we live in a place where the aloha spirit is alive and well in our residents and businesses. Glimpsea’s Lahaina View Project has helped keep citizens safe and identify which areas need help the most, and Manimal’s help rebuilding our drainage and sewer system has been a great gift to the community.

However, this system for cleaning our water devised by SSHAM engineers is as remarkable as it is special. The company’s donation of all the SSHAM we need for the next year, truly shows the heart at the center of every can, and the character of its founder, Art Pua’a. Like many, I’m a fan of reading through the SSHAM Stories page to see the creative things people have come up with for “The meat of 1,000 uses,” but I never dreamed of this. We’ve all been through a lot during these past months, and in a lot of ways, it’s brought out the best in us. I’m not sure how many uses there are for SSHAM, but I know one thing for sure, this has to be the best of them.”

In a statement released by the company during the announcement, CEO Art Pua’a says: “SHHAM isn’t just the maker Lahaina’s preferred processed meat product, we’re part of the neighborhood. When we heard that the county needed help we knew we had to act. We use a similar treatment process in our facility. It’s a little known fact that the water that goes in SSHAM is first filtered with SSHAM. I’m thrilled that we were able to scale the process up to facilitate the municipal water supply. Everyone knows that there’s a lot of spice, shrimp, and mechanically separated pork parts in every can of SSHAM, but there’s also a lot of love. I hope Lahaina can taste that love in every glass of water this morning.”

While many share the mayor’s sentiments, and praise the innovation involved with the new water treatment process, some have concerns about the system’s safety and effectiveness. The Lahaina Conservation Association (LCA) says they plan to seek an emergency injunction against the treatment plant and the county until the SSHAM treated water can be thoroughly tested, and the process studied. Spokesperson Kimberly Hekili says, “This morning’s announcement left a taste in my mouth, but contrary to Mr. Pua’a’s hopes, I’m pretty sure it was disbelief and disgust. The wholesale selling of the Lahaina infrastructure to the business community has to stop. What’s next, the Big Bob Abramo Child Welfare Department? As a vegan I find the thought of the municipal water supply filtered through a loaf of animal parts and who knows what, to be unacceptable and beyond the pale. There’s no telling what the effect of water going through this “treatment” will have on the environment. I don’t think you can put a price tag on Lahaina’s natural areas, but I’m sure it’s worth more than a can of SSHAM.”

STORYLINE

Worldwide SSHAM Shortage Causes Panic In Lahaina

SSHAM fans across the globe are scrambling to stock up on the popular processed meat product as a strike threatens to cut a quarter of the world’s supply of salty shrimp goodness in a can. Workers at the company’s flagship processing plant in Lahaina are embroiled in a dispute over automation that will displace 30% of the workforce. Production at the facility accounts for a whopping quarter of the canned meat’s production, and virtually all SSHAM in Hawaii, pumping out 75,000 cans a day.

The company claims that the upgrades to the factory are necessary to keep the business viable in the increasingly cutthroat world of canned meat production. CEO Art Pua’a says the overhaul is long overdue. “SHAWN, the company AI, already handles virtually all of our quality controls and customer interactions. We’re just making the improvements to the factory floor to put production in line with that part of the business. We have programs to help our employees who will be displaced and hope to come to an agreement with workers soon. I think we can all agree that none of us want Hawaiian kitchens to go SSHAM free.”

While the company and workers discuss the details, the island has gone into a full-fledged SSHAM panic. The price of SSHAM has skyrocketed as store shelves have been emptied of all varieties. A can of SSHAM that sells for an average of $4 can be found online for over $100. Rumors of international buyers purchasing huge lots of SSHAM flow like water across the island. In addition, a SSHAM black market has sprung up virtually overnight. The Lahaina Medical Center reports numerous cases of severe food poisoning from bathtub SSHAM and released a statement urging the public not to consume any canned meat that hasn’t been produced in an approved facility.

SSHAM panic hasn’t consumed everyone, however. Some businesses see the shortage as an opportunity. Abramo Holdings operations manager Brandi Essen says the situation has offered Big Bites stores an unusual revenue stream. While it is true that the meat themed convenience stores have suspended their SSHAM sales until the strike is over, Essen has figured out a way to still make money from the product’s popularity. “We’re letting people sit in a room with the largest SSHAM collection in Hawaii for a modest fee. I think it just makes people feel better about the whole situation,” she says.

“It’s going to get a whole lot worse before it gets better. Pua’a and the employees are just too far apart, we have yet to see peak SSHAM price. Until we do, we’re screening a special segment of our best customers and taking them to a secure refrigerated location where they can sit alone in a room with literally tons of SSHAM. It turns out that just knowing that there is still a mountain of SSHAM on the island is very therapeutic for those struggling with the thought of not having a slice in the morning or after work. We require customers to sign an NDA about the exact amount of SSHAM we have and its location, but our viewings are perfect for those caught up in the shortage panic.”

While just looking at a can may be good enough for some, many are counting on DIY solutions to make it through the impending shortage. There are plenty of recipes floating around purported to be leaked from striking workers. While officials warn the public to use safe food handling practices, numerous homemade SSHAM makers have run into trouble trying to recreate the smell, taste, and texture SSHAM is famous for. Lahaina resident Gary Puniwale is one such home cook who ran into trouble trying to make his own SSHAM.

“Everyone knows the story of how Art accidentally created SSHAM in his kitchen one drunken night, so I thought how hard can it be? Let me tell you something, food production is not for the faint of heart or belly. Probably the biggest lesson I learned was how important it is to follow the directions precisely when trying to recreate a commercial food product. You know when you’re putting together a piece of furniture and lose a screw, you can just use a nail instead? That’s not how creating a shelf-stable canned meat works. You have to follow the instructions precisely. No substitutions.

My first mistake was using dried brine shrimp. I figured it was cheap and fine for my fish. I thought using the prepared cans would be better because it was fortified for my pets. I chose bacon next instead of ham because I thought the smoky flavor would be nice. I didn’t really measure out the binders and fillers like the recipe said, I just kind of eyeballed it. The color was a little off after blending but I thought it would change during cooking. I was wrong.

When it was done the smell was almost the same. Kind of like a mackerel stuffed with sausage and left on the dock during a hot afternoon, but it still didn’t look quite right. I cut a slice and could tell right away that something was wrong. It was very gelatinous and sticky but I thought maybe it was still a little too warm. I took a bite anyway and I didn’t think it was terrible. The next 48 hours, however, were a nightmare. It turns out fish food is not meant for human consumption. I ended up in the hospital for severe dehydration as my body tried to rid itself of even the memory of my SSHAM experiment. When I finally got back home I found my loaf had fused itself to the pan somehow and resisted even the most vigorous scraping, it was then that I fully appreciated what I had put my intestines through. I’m done with the whole DIY kitchen thing. I’ll just wait for the strike to end and leave the SSHAM to the experts.”

STORYLINE

Popular SSHAM Based Nutritional Drink To be Offered at Lahaina Medical Center

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The Lahaina Medical Center and SSHAM have reached a deal to offer certain patients the canned meat company’s wildly popular new meal replacement drink, Sshamplete. The medical facility says that the drink will be made available to patients suffering from nutritional deficiencies, or having trouble eating their meals. Offering such drinks to patients in medical settings is not unusual, but it is the first time Sshamplete has been provided as an option at the medical center.

SSHAM creator and CEO Art Pua’a says he is excited that the hospital will be “using Sshamplete to nourish, and help heal our sick neighbors.” Pua’a admits that he was skeptical about the idea of making a meal replacement drink at first, but changed his mind when he learned how many Hawaiians, especially the elderly, don’t receive the recommended daily nutrition they need. “Many don’t even know what vitamins, minerals, and nutrients they need for optimum health every day. That’s what our drink is all about. If you’re not sure that your getting all the nutrients you need, Sshamplete is there for you. Just three of our tasty drinks a day, provides everything a body needs to thrive and function properly. In addition, Sshamplete has five times the recommended dietary allowance of protein in every can, making it an excellent option for those healing from a medical procedure, and those trying to get more lean muscle alike.

Art points to recent research showing that many aging adults can benefit from an increased protein intake to help optimize their health, and protect muscle mass. “Protein is important for every tissue, and organ in the body, even the skin. Along with all the other nutrients in Sshamplete, we have created a complete meal in a can, to help aging bodies have all the amino acids they need to function properly, and maintain optimum health.”

However, it’s not just the sick and elderly who are singing Sshamplete’s praises. Many who are too busy during the day, are turning to the meaty drink for a well balanced diet as well. Local inventor Ano Lee is a big fan of the SSHAMy beverage, and credits the drink with an increase in his productivity.

“Most of my job is thinking and decisions. I ponder possibilities, imagine what might be, and decide whether or not my ideas are viable or practical. With all those decisions running through my head, the last thing I want to think about is a meal. There’s so many choices, an so many nutrients that a body needs everyday, you can get lost just thinking about it. On top of that, once you’ve decided, you have to still sit and wait for the microwave to cook it. I just didn’t have time for all that and my health suffered. Then I tried Sshamplete and everything changed. I’ve tried other meal replacement drinks before, and they were terrible. I even tried making my own, but no matter how many times I strained it, the texture was never right. Sshamplete is always smooth going down, and that’s what makes it special. To be honest the taste isn’t really that great either, and it’s really thick, kind of like a half-melted shake, but it’s so smooth that you can easily get a whole can down before your taste buds know what’s happening. Three cans a day is all you need to keep you going. I’ve never felt better!”

While the extraordinarily high protein content of Sshamplete is beneficial to some, Betsy Kaukau of the Hawaii State Department of Health, points out that a diet too high in protein can have detrimental effects on well being, and the household plumbing, leading to serious issues. “While there are potential benefits to a high-protein diet, it is important to to be aware there are some pretty serious risk as well. This is especially true for the elderly, and with the extremely high protein levels found in Sshamplete. The list of possible complications is long, and frightening: permanent kidney damage, increased risk of cancer, pvc valve fouling, and calcium loss leading to osteoporosis just to name a few.” Kaukau says the drink, unlike many of its competitors, must be consumed within 30 minutes of opening to avoid bacterial overgrowth. “Since its public unveiling, we’ve have multiple cases of Shamplete drinkers suffering from diarrhea, vomiting, and severe intestinal distress. On top of that, it has become very popular with shark cage tour operators as a chum. It reportedly, is very good at drawing-in a wide range of aquatic species, particularly sharks. I don’t know about you, but I would have extreme reservations about providing a substitute for rotting fish heads, offal, and fetid animal oils to an elderly relative in poor health. As far as I’m concerned the cure is worse than the disease in Sshamplete’s case.”

STORYLINE

Officials Investigating Unusual SSHAM Oil Fire At Lahaina Facility

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Fire officials in Lahaina say they are still investigating the cause of a major fire that engulfed the SSHAM processing plant Thursday afternoon. While no one was killed in the blaze, dozens were treated for smoke inhalation, and many remain in the Lahaina Medical Center this morning. According to those on the scene, multiple containers of SSHAM oil spontaneously caught fire while cooling off behind the factory.

The Lahaina Fire Department says they responded to a call about a fire behind the SSHAM facility Thursday and found numerous pallets of burning SSHAM oil when they arrived. They were initially unable to contain the fire with standard equipment and were forced to use fire suppressing foam. According to the report, several other containers spontaneously combusted while firefighters tried to put out the growing inferno. It took several hours to contain and spread to the factory building itself before first responders could extinguish the blaze. Officials say they are still investigating the exact cause of the unusual fire, but that it is most likely a result of a new filtering and cooling process developed by the company.

“It smelled so good when we arrived that we didn’t believe that it was SSHAM oil burning,” says a first responder who wishes to remain anonymous. “We learned that it was, a few minutes later. When we turned on the hoses it just spread. We broke out the AFF (aqueous film-forming foam), but that didn’t seem to slow things down either. We put in a call for some class “A” foam and tried to make sure the facility was clear, but then another stack of oil just went up in flames. It was a nightmare. There were over 20 stacks of oil cooling out there, and we didn’t know which one was going to catch fire next. We eventually got everything under control, but it was one of the weirdest calls I’ve ever been on. I still can’t believe how good that stuff smelled, even after we dumped all those chemicals on it. It was like a combination of the ocean breeze and my tutu’s kitchen in the morning. It burned like the devil, but it smelled like heaven.”

A month ago SSHAM and the Hawaiian Association of Certified Wedding Planners (HCWP) reached a settlement in a case regarding the infamous smell associated with oil’s production. The HCWP claimed that the odor constituted a nuisance and was causing irreparable harm to their business. They had sought to shut down production in Lahaina, and asked for millions in damages. As part of the settlement, SSHAM paid an undisclosed amount to the organization, and changed the method in which they make, and filter the popular oil.

SSHAM CEO and creator Art Pua’a says the company is cooperating with investigators, and he is just glad nobody was seriously injured.

“I was born and raised in Hawaii, and I like to think that we run SSHAM with the aloha spirit that I was taught as a child. That means we value our people above all else. I’m not sure that I can properly express how thankful I am that everyone is going to be alright. This could have gone much worse. I also want to thank the brave men and women in the fire department for putting the lives of our employees above their own. They have my undying gratitude. While our new oil extraction and filtering process obviously has some stability issues to work out, I think one thing is clear. We nailed the problem with the smell. I actually have a piece of one of the pallets in my office right now. Even with the charring and dried foam it makes the whole room smell like a dream. I haven’t been the biggest fan of the HCWP lately, but they may have forced us into one of the greatest breakthroughs ever for the ‘meat of 1,000 uses.’”

Many however have new concerns about the safety of SSHAM oil, and its possible impact on the environment. “This stuff burns hot enough to melt steel beams and is resistant to the most common type of fire retardant. We need to be concerned and ask ourselves what SSHAM isn’t telling us about these fires,” says Kimberly Hekili from the Lahaina Conservation Association (LCA).

“I drove near the factory this morning myself, and the reports are true. It smells fantastic. It totally covers up any hint of burnt materials or chemicals, but It doesn’t matter how good it smells if it explodes while cooling and burns everything to the ground. We need to investigate what is making the oil so volatile, and its long-term impact on the environment. Our wild areas are as fragile as they are beautiful, and we need to care about more than just how they smell.”

STORYLINE

Association Seeks to Ban SSHAM Oil Production In Lahaina

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SSHAM oil may be the hottest health and beauty product on the shelves this year, but not everyone is singing its praises. A wedding planner organization is seeking to shut down the production of the uniquely smelling oil in Lahaina, saying the odor associated with its manufacture is driving tourists away. SSHAM says that they are breaking no laws in the production process, and take great steps to contain the smell to the area around the facility. Fans of the oil admit it is an acquired smell, but not one so bad that it would affect tourism.

Weddings and honeymoons are a big business in Maui. The destination wedding market accounts for $26 billion worldwide, with almost 40,000 destinations weddings in Hawaii every year. According to the Hawaiian Association of Certified Wedding Planners (HACWP), SSHAM oil is putting the industry at risk. Spokesperson Helen Ki’i says the smell from the factory is making some newlyweds consider other, better smelling, destinations. “It’s quite overpowering on certain days,” she says. “If the wind is right the smell from the oil plant is too much for even the most determined bride. It’s true that we have some of the most beautiful beaches in the world, perfect for once in a lifetime photographs and memories, but that doesn’t matter if the air smells like you’re over-frying fermented shrimp and sauerkraut in a pot of rotten lard. We’ve had fewer bookings this year than ever before, and our referral business is almost nonexistent. The stench is killing our business and whatever they’re doing to make something that smells like that can’t be good for people. We’re asking the courts to halt SSHAM oil production in Lahaina until a reasonable solution can be found. I know it will help our customers, and Lahiana residence breathe a little easier, once the factory is closed.”

SSHAM released a statement that the production process for the prized oil is completely safe, and legal. The company says, “We simply take the same SSHAM you’d find on the shelves of your favorite stores and render the fragrant and beneficial oils in a special heating process, filter out any impurities, and condense the product for maximum efficacy.” The company points out that animal products have long been used in health and beauty products. Beaver castoreum, the yellow secretion from their castor sacs, and whale ambergris are both highly prized. In addition, they say that people have been making a less potent version of SSHAM oil for years and recipes can be found on their SSHAM Stories page. “We understand that the smell may be a bit unusual the first time you encounter it, but it is completely safe, and we try hard to limit its spread from our facility. We are currently looking into technological solutions to sequester any escaping odors, and believe a complete shutdown is unwarranted at this time.”

While the smell of its manufacture, and the oil itself, may turn some stomachs, many swear by its medicinal and therapeutic properties. The Kokua Wellness Center was one of the first businesses to embrace and promote the powers of SSHAM oil. The exclusive Spa has been offering the oil in various treatments for over a year. Center Director Autumn kohu ‘ole says that she has personally felt the power of SSHAM oil. “It’s a hugely powerful tool in our Wellness toolbox,” she says. “Even though it’s produced from animal products, it acts just like an essential oil. Its naturally occurring, volatile aromatic compounds are some of the strongest I’ve ever seen. Better yet, SSHAM oil can be used in all three ways that other essential oils are. Topically, the oil kills bacteria, heal scars, and minimize marks on the skin. Ingested, the oil stimulates hormone and digestive enzyme production and the aromatherapy applications include mood enhancement and confidence building. It’s definitely not a one trick pony. I will admit that the smell takes some getting used to, but its health benefits far outweigh any initial gagging. I don’t know what our customers would do if we had to discontinue oil treatments.”

Long-time SSHAM oil user, Brandi Essen agrees with Autumn. Essen has been receiving treatments for over 6 months and says she doesn’t know how she’d get through a week without it. Essen says that it’s similar to living someplace in the country, near a farm. “You just get used to the smell after awhile,” she says. “People have been using aromatherapy for over 5,000 years. Some of those smells can be quite strong, but that’s the point. I don’t think the occasional factory smell wafting downtown is a big deal. SSHAM oil works. If it didn’t, do you think someplace as upscale as Kokua would offer it? SSHAM oil provides relief to millions across the globe, myself included. I know that if I can make it an hour in a room that smells like fish heads and burnt bacon stewing in sour wine, while someone puts hot rocks on my back, and rubs my legs with nettle paste, I can make it through anything at work.”

Residents (and their noses) on both sides of the issue, should have a decision about SSHAM oil production in Lahaina, by the end of the week.

STORYLINE

Iron SSHAM Recalled After Dozens Injured by Bits of Metal

SSHAM lovers across Hawaii are checking their pantries today, after the company announced a massive recall. Wednesday night SSHAM recalled over 100,000 pounds of their new Iron SSHAM product over concerns of contamination. Dozens have been injured by metal bits found inside the new canned meat product. This is not the first time that the company has faced a massive recall. Last Summer, the company was forced to recall over 500,000 cans of SSHAM, SSHAM Less, and SSHAM Extra Spicy, after it was discovered that the Pilua Shrimp Farm, a local supplier, had numerous health and safety violations.

Company officials say that the recall is limited to Iron SSHAM found across the islands only, and all other SSHAM products are completely safe. The USDA’s Food Safety and Inspection Services (FSIS) says that anyone with a 12-oz. can containing “Iron SSHAM” with a “Best By” June 2076 date and production codes: SS90981, SS90982, SS90983, SS90984, SS90985, SS90986, SS90987, SS90988 and SS90989, should throw them away, return them to the place of purchase, or take them to one of the many inspection stations SSHAM has set up in metropolitan areas.

With many worrying that soil depletion and Veilcorp’s solar 127 production is leading to massive nutritional deficits in crops, the supplement business is booming. Many food companies are riding that wave by fortifying their products with vitamins and minerals, including SSHAM. A company spokesperson says, “That was the idea behind Iron SSHAM. With the Hawaiian population aging, we found many islanders were worried about getting enough iron in their diet. Obviously mistakes were made. We’re working hard to prevent any further harm to our customers, and following up with everyone who was injured so far.”

A FSIS interview with one Lahaina resident unlucky enough to eat from a contaminated can reads in part, “I eat at least a couple of cans of SSHAM every week and was very excited that the company was offering a version fortified with iron as I suffer from anemia. Everyone has their favorite method of cooking it, but I prefer the creamy texture boiling a can provides. I knew something was different almost right away. Instead of melting smoothly in my mouth, the texture of Iron SSHAM was extra crunchy and a bit sharp. I bit down on something hard as I was chewing, and spit out a bunch of blood and a tiny piece of metal. I immediately took the can out of the garbage and read the label, but I didn’t see anything about chunks of metal in the ingredients, so I knew something was wrong.”

Dozens of others have had a similar experience, with hospitals and medical centers reporting numerous mouth injuries from those eating the product. SSHAM CEO and inventor Art Pua’a says that he is doing everything he can to ensure the safety of the public, and has started a unique safety campaign to reassure SSHAM customers.

In a statement released this morning he says,

“We take pride in being a Maui based company. We like to think of ourselves as a trusted neighbor, and we care deeply about every one of our customers. Up until this point, we have always made and packaged our product in our Lahaina facility ourselves, but in the rush to get this particular item on the shelves, we turned to a third party manufacturer. We trusted them to follow our strict quality and safety guidelines while we retrofitted our production line to accommodate the iron fortifying process. Unfortunately, it turns out enriching a product with iron was much harder than we expected, and our manufacturing partner had a fundamental misunderstanding of what it means to fortify something with iron… Working with the FSIS, we are doing everything we can to remove the cans contaminated with pieces of iron, have set up inspection stations in several areas, and are providing anyone who calls our 800 number a magnetic wand to pass over their SSHAM. By running the magnet over every slice, our customers can feel secure in knowing that their SSHAM is just as safe and delicious as it always is. If you find a slice that sticks to the magnet please do not eat it, and call us right away…By initiating this recall, and providing these numerous safety precautions, we hope to reassure our loyal customers so they can continue to make SSHAM the most loved canned meat product in the world.”

Lahaina residents wishing to have their SSHAM screened for safety can do so at Ano Lee’s maker commune, the area’s official inspection station. Mr. Lee says that the screening process is quick, and the station is open daily until 8 pm. Ano has found over 30 contaminated cans in less than 24 hours, but says that he doesn’t think people need to be overly concerned. “Look, I know better than most that mistakes happen. We haven’t found any metal bits in other types of SSHAM, just the iron formula. If you’re worried about it, just come down and we’ll scan your cans and run the big electromagnet over it. Believe me, if there’s any bits of metal stuck in there, they’ll come flying out. It’s actually kind of cool to watch, but if you have had any broken bones that required screws or plates, you should probably stand at least 50 feet away from the screening station. While you’re waiting to see if your food is riddled with iron shards, feel free to check out our Tchotchke Hut. If it’s made of plastic or glows in the dark, chances are you’ll find it inside. Best of all, if your SSHAM turns out to be contaminated with sharp bits of metal, we’ll dispose of it for you and give you 10% off anything in the store. I guarantee nothing in there will cut your mouth.”

STORYLINE

SSHAM Announces This Year’s Canned Holiday Feast Menu

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For some it’s when the first holiday lights show up, for others it’s hanging the stockings, but for a growing number of Maui natives, the first sure sign that Christmas is near is the unveiling of SSHAM’s yearly canned feast. Better known as the “Sheast,” the canned Christmas feast has become a staple for many across the island during the holidays. This year’s joy in a can features three complete dinners perfect for anyone with more hunger and cheer on their hands than time to cook.

The first Sheast was a surprise hit for the canned meat company a decade ago, becoming very popular with those who have to work on the holidays and don’t have time to cook a big meal. Originally targeted at the gamer market, the canned feast has changed every year but CEO Art Pua’a says the goal remains the same, provide a great holiday meal for the whole family in minutes. “We have 12 layers of Christmas in a can for hungry Hawaiians including all-new desserts and a bonus layer of yeast rolls by popular demand.”

“Customers will enjoy their choice of a pineapple-cherry jubilee, tropical fruit cake, or a gingerbread pudding this year as well as layers of old favorites such as taro, goose, balsamic glazed Brussel sprouts, roasted carrots, and two layers of rolls to help sop up all those flavors you’ve come to love. As good as they all are, we think the Shlobster layer will be the showstopper this year. It is exceptionally creamy and packed with the soft-shelled-SSHAM flavor our customers have grown to love.”

While the menu has many canned feast fans talking today, some food safety experts are second-guessing the company’s decision to once again use pressurized cans. Given all the trouble involving exploding Sheasts last year, safety advocates are warning the public to use caution when opening or heating their canned dinners.

According to public records, Lahaina area first responders went on over 50 canned feast related calls last December, with a handful of exploding mailboxes, kitchens that were described as looking like “something out of a horror movie”, dozens of injuries, and even a group of fishermen sighted for detonating cans underwater to stun reef fish.

Consumer safety advocate Betsy Kaukau says that despite SSHAM’s can redesign she is disappointed in the company’s decision. “I can’t speak to the palatability of this canned potluck but I will admit that the food inside meets or exceeds all legal standards and SSHAM claims that they have worked out the design flaws from last year but why take a chance? Lahaina had to deal with a literal food bomb crisis just so some gamers and Veilcorp employees could eat a quick holiday meal. There is no reason that the canned feasts need to be held under pressure or that we need them at all. Somehow these groups of people ate before this craze and they’ll eat again if these Sheasts don’t kill them first. It’s not worth the cost in my opinion and I would urge anyone eating one of these things to use caution.”

Pua’a strongly disagrees with Kaukau’s opinion saying this about choice and Christmas cheer. “The canned feast was created after finding out that 44% of Hawaiian gamers said they spend the majority of the holidays in front of a screen and hated having to take time away to eat. Soon, those who have to work on the days most of us spend with family and friends found a bit of cheer in our meals too. We’re talking about Viel hub workers, charging station employees, and the police. I think these people deserve a great meal from our family, even if they can’t be with theirs. There just isn’t a way to put this much food in a can under normal pressure. We’ve addressed all the issues from last year and I think most people know to take the food out of the can before heating now.”

The Executive Director of the Lahaina Cat Sanctuary Felix Popoki says he has no concerns about the safety of this year’s Sheast and is looking forward to trying the Shlobster.

“I guess the cat’s out of the bag on this one. A couple of volunteer scoopers and I will be dining on a canned feast this year. Whisker Island may be a cat paradise but trying to make a meal that doesn’t look like something one of our residents just dragged in is a big challenge. As far as I’m concerned the Sheast is the cat’s pajamas. With all the different options there’s sure to be a layer perfect for your tastes no matter what they might be. People ask me If I ever miss being able to get away from my feline friends and enjoying holiday time with my human family. I just say look into the bloodshot eyes of a mother on Christmas day staring at the pile of paper she has to clean up. Exhausted children fight over shrinking bags of candy and her hands tremble around her coffee knowing it’s only a matter of time before she’ll have to get everyone dressed to go see the relatives. Do I miss that? Are you kidding? I’ll take herding cats and my Sheast over that any day.”

STORYLINE

DLNR’s New Plan for Invasive Species: Eat the Invaders

The Hawaii Department of Land and Natural Resources (DLNR) has started an innovative and unusual campaign to rid Maui of one of the fastest-growing invasive species, the Red Swamp Crayfish. According to the DLNR, the crayfish eats crops, damages land, kills native species, are easy to catch, and are absolutely delicious. They are counting on the stomachs of hungry Hawaiians to do what years of chemical control efforts couldn’t hold the crustaceans in check.

Like so many of Hawaii’s invasive species, the story of the Red Swamp Crayfish, Procambarus clarkii, is one of unintended consequences. Introduced into taro patches near Ahuimanu Stream in O’ahu, the crayfish population exploded and became a serious threat to taro cultivation. The pests have been documented to consume taro, and rice, prey on insects, snails, and the eggs of native fish species. If that wasn’t bad enough, their burrows can cause bank erosion along streams and rivers, as well as drain taro fields.

With the help of tourists and collectors, the crayfish soon found their way to other islands, Maui in particular. Chemical controls over the past few years have proved ineffective at slowing down the population, and many are concerned about the use of potentially dangerous chemicals inside the preservation zone. After it was discovered that SSHAM affected the crustacean’s nervous system, many local streams were “chummed” with the canned meat product in an attempt to kill them off. However, the practice was stopped out of concerns about the long-term consequences on native species. “To be honest we were running out of ideas,” says the DLNR’s Greg Iona. “It was a trip to Louisiana by one of our officers that sparked the consumption campaign. We’re focused on getting the word out about the crayfish and letting people know that there is a great new seafood option right out their backdoor. They really are easy to catch, and quite delicious when prepared correctly.”

The State’s campaign highlights the abundance of crayfish in many streams around Lahaina and offers an open season on the pests. The DLNR provides cooking and catching tips on their website, as well as information regarding the damage caused by the species every year. Many local businesses are jumping on board, with local eateries offering crayfish dishes, and SSHAM CEO Art Pua’a saying the company plans on offering a clarkii blend within the next month. Nonetheless, not everyone is sold on eating the pests.

Hula Noodle owner Ralph Umeke says the crayfish will never be offered in his noodle shop. “They call them mudbugs for a reason,” he says. According to Umeke the crustaceans are foul-tasting and potentially dangerous.

“They’ve been putting a lot of pressure on restaurant owners to help promote this idea of theirs. They’ve even offered to provide the crayfish for the first few months for free, but I just can’t do it in good conscience. I’m not sure I have the words to describe what one of these things taste like. They’re awful. There isn’t enough garlic, butter, or rum in the world to make them edible. Imagine finding a pool that hasn’t been cared for in a couple years, drain it and wipe up the scum on the bottom with a piece of bread, that’s close. The first one I tried made me retch. Not only do they taste bad, but they are potentially dangerous. After doing a little research, I found that they have a propensity to accumulate environmental contaminants like: heavy metals, dangerous organic runoff compounds, and pesticides. They can also be vectors for several harmful human parasites including: the lung fluke, rat lungworm, and leptospirosis bacteria. I think trapping them is fine, but I wouldn’t put one in my mouth.”

The DLNR says that like many animals, crayfish living in polluted waters can be dangerous, but the water quality on the island makes them safe to eat. Despite what Umeke may think, they encourage the public to give the crayfish a try. Many are doing just that. Over the past weeks, crayfish fever has hit the island, and many businesses are cashing in. The Kokua Wellness Center is touting a line of crayfish-infused tonics and fresh fruit drinks.

Spokesperson Yvonne Masters says, “We are excited to offer a large variety of clarkii collagen infused health drinks. These natural healing tonics are perfect for: weight loss, boosting immunity, increasing bone density, and enhancing the skin. We use only local crayfish, blend them onsite, and extract the collagen fresh every day to maximize flavor and potency. We are recommending the drinks to our clients as a supportive health aid, to be used in conjunction with their usual Newuskin treatments.”

Rather than consumption, local inventor Ano Lee is focusing on catching the crayfish. Even though Lee himself recently battled a life-threatening leptospirosis infection, one of the pathogens found in the species, he says he is excited about the open season and has designed a unique trap perfect for catching buckets full.

“The pyramid-style trap, with three entrance funnels has been the industry standard for a long time because it is nearly perfect for its intended purpose. My design is similar, with adjustable funnels so it can be used on a variety of crustaceans including crabs, and spiny lobster, but that isn’t what sets my traps apart. It’s the sonic lure, that makes the difference with our traps. Most crustacean fishing is passive with scent lures designed to draw in your intended targets, but my traps send out a continuous low frequency pulse that calls out to the crayfish, and draws them in. I’m not sure if it’s an aggression or a sex thing, but they sure come running when they hear the noise.”

Lee disregards complaints that the sound produced by his traps has caused pets to become agitated, and reports that they have led to insomnia, unusual dreams, and ringing in the ears in people living near an active trap. He says, “It’s springtime and it’s only natural that animals are going to be more vocal at this time of year. The same goes for people. Sometimes you have weird dreams and can’t sleep. It happens to everyone. It happens to me all the time. I would suggest that these people get some noise-canceling headphones if it bothers them that much, and look up some crayfish recipes because they are going to catch a ton with my traps.”

STORYLINE

Massive SSHAM recall over concerns of contaminated shrimp

SSHAM ordered a massive recall of over 500,000 cans of SSHAM, SSHAM Less, and SSHAM Extra Spicy today after a major shrimp supplier was forced to shut down. An FDA investigation found a number of serious violations at the Pilua Shrimp Farm, including the use of prohibited feed and illegal antibiotics. This is the first major recall of SSHAM and the company says it is, “acting quickly to ensure the quality and safety of their products.”

Investigators say they were acting on a tip when they began their surprise inspection of the local fish farm. They are calling what they found, “The single most dangerous aquaculture operation the agency has ever seen.” Normally, shrimp are considered one of the safest shellfish options available to consumers when it comes to heavy metals and other contaminants. However, officials have called the shrimp at Pilua potentially deadly.

In addition to a number of violations regarding waste disposal and water filtration systems, the farm had been giving the shrimp dangerous antibiotics, namely nitrofuranzone and chloramphenical. Both have been restricted in the U.S. because of serious side effects including cancers and aplastic anemia. However, It was what workers had been feeding the shrimp that most concerned investigators.

“They had purchased tons of contaminated Iron Curtain era fishmeal really cheap and had decided to use it. We tried to test it with our field equipment but the toxin levels were so high that our machines errored out. We decided to test some of the shrimp and found mercury levels that went through the roof and substantial levels of lead, polychlorinated biphenyl (PCBs), and other potentially dangerous chemicals. They were basically feeding the shrimp poison mixed with binding agents,” says an FDA investigator.

While there is no evidence that any of the tainted shrimp made it into a can of SSHAM, the company and the FDA agreed to the voluntary recall as a safety precaution. But food safety advocate Betsy Kaukau says that SSHAM is dangerous enough on its own, without toxic shrimp, that consumers should be cautious.

“A single serving of SSHAM has about 85% the recommended daily amount of sodium, 80% of your daily saturated fat, and whopping 95% of the recommended cholesterol. It has virtually no nutrients or vitamins and a list of chemical preservatives to prevent bacteria growth and extend shelf life as long as your arm. Research suggests that these chemicals can increase your risk of getting cancer and developing heart disease. It can even hurt the ability to transport oxygen throughout the body, promote type 1 diabetes in children, damage the blood vessels, and lead to hair loss or impotence. It may be the most dangerous food ever put in a can, regardless of whether or not a batch was made with tainted shrimp.”

“You don’t get to be Hawaii’s favorite processed canned meat by making a bad product,” counters SSHAM founder and CEO Art Pua’a. He says that the company follows strict guidelines to ensure consumer safety and has been working with the FDA to guarantee that none of the Pilua shrimp make it out to the public. Pua’a says that the vast majority of their suppliers follow the rules and run their businesses in an ethical and safe manner. “We will be reviewing how we work with our partners to make sure something like this doesn’t happen again. I am extremely disappointed and concerned about the way things were run at the Pilua farm, especially since they were a local operation. That’s not how you treat a business partner or a neighbor,” he added.

As far as the future of SSHAM or the issues raised by Kaukau, Pua’a says he’s not concerned.

“We took quick and decisive action in this case and I think consumers trust us. Our meat product is delicious, quick to make and affordable. Moms, chefs, and kids alike love us. While we wouldn’t stop you from eating a can of SSHAM for every meal, we’re not advocating it either. Everything in excess can be problematic. While I’m a huge fan of the locally grown coffee, I’m sure my doctor would have something to say if I drank multiple pots every day. The truth of the matter is that SSHAM allows people with a busy schedule to enjoy surf and turf in a can. Its spicy-shrimped-hammy goodness is beloved by millions and enjoyed grilled, fried, baked, and diced, safely every night. We plan on doing everything we can to keep it that way.”