Keeping Tanager Lane a Spectacular Place

Hello fellow homeowners. The past 6 months have been a trying time for all of us. With all of my daily duties as president of the HOA you can imagine how hard it’s been for me in particular. I think we can all agree that my leadership has been one of the few bright spots in these dark days. Most of you have done an adequate job of keeping up your standards, and celebrating the Tanager Lane way of life. Unfortunately, there are a few items that need some improvement, and a couple of individuals that need to start doing a better job at modeling acceptable behavior to their children. Remember, they’re like little sponges. If they get exposed to the mess created by people not fulfilling their obligations, they’ll just soak it all up. Nobody should want that.

Let’s start out by addressing a few issues that everyone can work on. I instituted the mandatory hibiscus program for a reason, not because I just felt like it one day, and not on a whim. The hibiscus flower is one of the most recognized blossoms and a symbol of the island to many. We want visitors to the neighborhood to see the flowers, and imagine peace and a carefree way of life. That’s why I made it mandatory! You’ve entrusted me, and my vision to lead this association so I’m having a hard time figuring out why some of you have not properly pruned your plants.

I’m not unreasonable. I understand that the world has become a drastically different place. I think that’s all the more reason to hold onto our high standards and strive to live up to them. Without standards and specifications, we are no better than the creatures running around out there. That brings me to the next item on my list, cleaning up after combat.

Evidently, the world is full of horrors now. I looked into it as best as I could, but nobody seems to have any kind of answer that makes sense to me. What I do understand, is that from time to time some of us will have to defend our lives until this whole mess gets sorted out. I understand that defense will sometimes involve weapons and the mess associated with shooting a creature who is trying to eat your children in the driveway. What I don’t understand, Shelby, is why there would still be blood marks on your patio days after saving your kid’s lives. You did it. The hard part is over. Is it really too much to ask to take a few minutes and scrub away the stains?

I’m sorry to be so blunt but I’m beginning to feel like I’m the only one who is serious about living up to the criteria clearly laid out in the agreements we all signed. Unless I’m mistaken, you elected me as president, many times I might add, because you knew I wouldn’t take a day off or let expectations slip. Just because the world has descended into chaos doesn’t mean we have to as well.

I’m told that family can be very helpful in dealing with stress, and many of us consider our pets to be part of the family. I personally love to watch my cats chase little things through the shrubs, and toy with them. It makes me feel so happy to see them embrace their nature. Like many of you, one of my cats has begun to glow quite brightly at night. Because I’m responsible and believe strongly in respecting the association’s lighting rules, I now keep Elvira inside. Imagine my surprise when many of you did not follow my example. I assumed you would get the hint when I began to pin blankets around your unattended glowing pets, but I was wrong. Consider this a written warning about keeping your bright and bushy-tailed loved ones inside at night. Some of you should also watch what you say in front of them.

Lastly, we have had quite a lot of trouble with unruly kids. They’re running across lawns, making noise during quiet hours, and attracting quite a bit of attention from the things lurking in the woods. I’m sympathetic that school has been canceled for quite some time now, but I encourage you to keep better track of them and ensure that they start to follow the rules. I know a number of you have lost a spouse and find it difficult to manage your day-to-day lives, let alone a rowdy child. If that is the case may I suggest that you consider letting someone else take your children until you’re able to be a responsible parent again? It’s not fair to your children and our home values to allow gangs of them to run amok. Please don’t take this as some sort of invitation from me to take on your obligations. Believe me, I have enough on my plate making sure everyone lives up to Tanager Lane expectations.

We’ve made it a long time now thanks to my focus and the rules we’ve all agreed on. If we want to keep Tanager Lane beautiful we need to do better. I’m doing my part and trying really hard to help you do yours.

20th Annual Hulathon Forced To Reroute Over Preservation Zone Rules

It’s known as the most beautiful run in the world amongst competitive runners, and provides millions of dollars for charity every year, but for the first time in its long history, the Hulathon will be forced to alter its route. After a prolonged legal battle, race organizers have been forced to move the race course to a stretch of the Honoapiilani Highway, and off the trails of the breathtaking West Maui forests that the race is famous for. Organizers say that the change will have a huge impact on not only the marathon itself, but also the funding of many local charities.

Started in 2030 as way to honor the lives lost in the battle of Kepaniwai and celebrate Hawaiian history, the Hulathon has become one of the most popular events in Maui. Last year over 31,000 ran in the event making it one of the largest marathons in the world.

While the event raises money for a number of causes, Office of Hawaiian Culture (OHC) spokesperson Ike Hoomana, says that the race’s connection to the past is what makes it particularly special. “We celebrate the native Hawaiians with this run through the Iao Valley, honoring all the brave people who died there in the battle of Kepaniwai. One of the fiercest battles ever fought in Hawaiian history, the armies of King Kahekili II, led by his son Kalanikupule, fought the forces of Kamehameha to a standstill for 2 days. Both sides were evenly matched and exhausted when two cannons named “Lopaka” and “Kalola” joined the fray, and the forces of Kamehmeha finally broke the opposing army. So many lives were lost in the Iao Valley that day, that the rivers became blocked by the dead and it would become known as the “Battle of the Dammed Waters of ʻĪao”. What makes the Hulathon great is that you get to run through nature over the same path that these brave Hawaiians did. The flowers, the trees, and the lava fields remind us how important peace and beauty are.”

Stonegate dismisses the idea that the route of the course is integral to a successful Hulathon. She says that the race had been breaking preservation zone rules for years and that she’s simply doing her job. “There were a number of issues with the Hulathon’s path. Having that many people tearing up the soil with their running shoes was causing serious erosion issues. Many important plant species were trampled during the event. In addition, all the excessive cheering disrupted the nesting patterns of endangered birds. I know that I found the sound distant clapping during the event almost intolerable, I can only imagine how hard it was for these fragile animals. The plastic cups and other trash was also a huge issue. Everyone would go home and we’d be left pulling little cups out of the bushes for days. My simple requests that drinks not be provided along the course was flatly denied because they said it was a potential health risk. When I pointed out that they rehydrate you with IVs at the hospital, and not numerous little plastic cups of water, they adjourned the meeting without discussion. But somehow I’m being portrayed as the unreasonable one. Instead of trying to stir up controversy, the race organizers should thank me. The new course is amazing.”

Since its inception, the marathon started under the shadow of the old banyon tree in Kamehame Beach Park just south of Lahaina, ran into the forest, and through the lush Ioa Valley, twisting its way to the finish line on the scenic Waihee trail. The new course would see competitors running back and forth between Kamehameha Iki Park and Black Rock Beach to the North along the Honoapiilani Highway, a decidedly less awe inspiring route.

Stonegate says that the media is focusing too hard on organizer complaints and ignoring the numerous benefits of the new course. “First, there’s the fact that the paved course is much safer for the runners. Every year, you see dozens of sprained knees and twisted ankles caused by the uneven trails. It should be much easier for photojournalists to cover as well, the lighting along the highway is amazing and it’s much easier to get to than the cliffs of Ioa. I can’t imagine how much free time someone has to have in order to have a favorite runner, but if you do, you now have the chance to see them multiple times as they go back and forth over the course. This increased exposure to the competitors has other benefits too. Imagine how bad out of shape people will feel watching these athletes run past them all day. While it might not feel good at the time, everyone knows what an effective motivator shame can be. Sometimes the best medicine tastes the worst. Instead of nitpicking and complaining, maybe the organizers should focus on making their race a success. After all, it is only a week away.”

Massive SSHAM Theft Ends With Crash

An extended police chase through Lahaina came to an end last night, when 28-year-old Rodger Hihio crashed a tractor trailer, spilling 24 tons of stolen artisanal SSHAM. Responding to a call about a theft at the area processing plant, police soon located Hihio traveling down Front street. According to the report, the suspect refused to stop, and a hour-long chase ensued with Hihio running roadblocks and driving down trails in the preservation zone. The chase finally came to a conclusion when he lost control and crashed into the controversial barrier wall surrounding the Lahaina neighborhood of Tanager Lane, sending thousands of cans of SSHAM First Pressing Reserve flying through the air.

Hihio had worked as a fulfillment specialist at the factory for over 10 years and has no criminal background, but co-workers say he had recently became “troubled”. According to those close to him, Rodger had become convinced that a worldwide cataclysm was looming and that SSHAM would become more valuable than gold.

Hihio’s family says the trouble started this Spring after a trip to a family reunion. “He called me as soon as he got home, I could barely understand what he was talking about,” says his brother James. “I told him to calm down and talk slowly. He told me that he had a vision when he was traveling back through the veil. I thought he was playing a prank on me at first, but he was serious. He said the world was about to end and only a few of us were going to survive. He started talking about how important having water, guns, and SSHAM was. He said we needed to start stockpiling as much as we could. We tried to get him help but he refused to see anyone.”

Rodger began to share his apocalyptic SSHAM beliefs at work as well. Coworkers say that he would talk for hours about the antiseptic properties of the beloved canned meat product, as well as its multitude of other uses. Fellow employee Craig Luahi says that Hihio become obsessed.

“All he would do in his free time is read the SSHAM Stories page and take notes. Don’t get me wrong, I love working for SSHAM, and it is an amazingly versatile product, but we all need some downtime that doesn’t involve canned meat. Rodger said that SSHAM was going to be one of the most important commodities after the fall of civilization and that people would be willing to kill over it. I’m not sure who contacted HR, but I know management had a talk with him and he stopped talking about his beliefs during work hours. I could tell he really believed what he was saying though. That’s why I knew something was up when I saw him pulling away from the loading dock. All shipments that large, especially the premium SSHAM, go in the automated trucks now. I called the supervisor and she contacted the police.”

Hihio was spotted driving the stolen truck on Front Street within minutes of the call and police tried to initiate a traffic stop, but he refused to pull over. For the next hour authorities chased Hihio up and down the Honoapiilani Highway, down preservation zone trails, across lawns and throughout the Lahaina area. Stop sticks did little to slow down the desperate man. Authorities say they called off the pursuit numerous times out of fear that the suspect would injure innocent bystanders or destroy the load with his erratic driving and reckless speeds.

Eventually Hihio lost control trying to drive across a drainage ditch and smashed into the wall surrounding Tanager Lane, spilling tons of SSHAM over a wide area. Rodger was taken into custody after a brief struggle, and crews continue this morning to clean up the area. Authorities say that the damage could have been much worse and that the wall surrounding the Lahaina neighborhood “saved numerous lives.”

A SSHAM spokesperson says the company plans on strengthening security procedures and regrets that Mr. Hihio did not avail himself of the counseling offered. They add, “While Rodger clearly was a confused young man, he definitely had very good taste. SSHAM First Pressing Reserve is the epitome of processed meat products, and available for a very brief window every year. Thankfully, a portion of the stolen load survived the accident.”

Elizabeth Stonegate, Tanager Lane HOA President and Compliance Liaison to the Mayor’s Office, says that the incident was alarming but confirms the need for the wall around the neighborhood.

“I don’t know that there could have been a more perfect example of why we need the barrier wall around Tanager Lane. I hope this finally silences my critics. I know the police have credited the barrier with saving lives, but to be perfectly honest, I’m not sure. Who could see a smoking semi being chased by a dozen police cars with lights and sirens blaring, and not know enough to get out of the way? As HOA President what I’m more interested in is all the property damage it saved, and the preservation zone violations it prevented. My mandatory hibiscus planting program has increased home values at least 1.5% since it began. I shudder to think of the damage a semi truck with a crazed driver could have done to the lawns around the neighborhood. On top of that, the whole area where he crashed stinks. I’m sure we’ll have to deal with a few more seabirds flying over the area for the next few days. However, that’s nothing compared to the hordes of animals that are going to be attracted to that shrimpy stench. Without a wall to keep them out, our 100% preservation zone compliance rating might have been in danger. Thankfully, none of the landscaping was damaged by this lunatic and his truckload of fancy canned meat. This could have turned into a major issue!”

Lahaina Advertiser Corrections & Clarifications

The Lahaina Advertiser is committed to bringing you news and content that informs, engages, and entertains. We pride ourselves with holding the highest editorial and journalistic standards, delivering to our readers accurate, impartial, and timely stories. However, mistakes are sometimes made. When errors are brought to our attention, we seek to publish corrections and clarifications promptly and transparently. This page brings together in one place all of the corrections and clarifications made to The Lahaina Advertiser across print and digital platforms, whether as a result of complaints or further developments in a story.

April 24, 2050

  • This Mutant Crayfish Clones Itself, and It’s Taking Over Maui


An earlier version of this story misspelled the scientific name for the Red Swamp Crayfish. It is Procambarus clarkii, not Procambarus clak. Also, we have been informed that the crayfish in question does not have the ability to clone itself, and was introduced in 1923, contrary to our assertion that its presence is a mystery. Hula Noodle owner Ralph Umeke did want us to stress that the clarkii are “nasty” and nearly inedible, even with copious handfuls of garlic.

  • Randy Wilcox, Trailblazing Reality TV and Streaming Star, Dies at 46


Although seriously injured, Randy Wilcox is very much alive and recovering in the Lahaina Medical Center. Some of our readers also took issue with calling Mr. Wilcox a “star” or even “Mr.”, the latter of which is a requirement of our manual on style.

April 25, 2050

  • Veilcorp Studies Security Policies and Sees “Little Risk” to Bottom Line


An earlier version of this story misstated the portion of Veilcorp’s business that the company estimates would be affected by stricter global security policies. A spokesperson for Veilcorp says the company’s internal security protocols already exceed the measures proposed, and would not affect operations at all.

April 26, 2050

  • Hailoha Defends New Sea Service


We had mistakenly reported that Mayor Albert Cravalho had no comment on the matter. However, he had actually called for a closer look into the business, and threatened to shut down the water-based ride share service.

  • Six Films to Stream if You Loved “Veil of Terror: A Bride’s Nightmare”


Many of you suggested that Veil of Terror stands alone as one of the worst movies ever made. Readers suggested that the jerky camera work, ham-handed storyline, and actors taking on more than one role, made the film unlike any other, and trying to attach some similarity to six other films was not fair. On further review, we agreed and removed the story altogether. One of the complaints was in Esperanto, and went unresponded to.

  • What Cameras On Monk Seals Show Us: It’s Tough Out There


An earlier version of this article misstated the amount of weight lost by some seals in the study. The seals that stay around Maui during the summer lost as much as 10 percent of their body mass, not 80 percent.

  • A reader tells us that after 31 years of entering the jumble rumble competition, she finally won, only for us to spell her name incorrectly. Congratulations go to Helen Kapua and not Harold Kaper. Apologies Helen.

April 28, 2050

  • PZ Compliance Officer Elizabeth Stonegate Forced Into Apology For Maligning Civil Service


This article was amended after Mrs. Stonegate pointed out that she had in fact not apologized yet, and had no plan to. In addition, an earlier version misnamed the Center for Hawaiian Political Reform as the Center for Hawaiian Political Research.

  • What do Students Really Expect To Learn at the University of Maui Lahaina College?


This article was pulled after it was discovered that Kimberly Hekili, the only individual interviewed, was not a current student but rather had attended the unversity in 2046.

April 29, 2050

  • Hundreds of County Parks Ordered Closed Across Lahaina


We mistakenly said that more than 500 parks have closed in Lahaina since 2034 due to budget cuts. Greg Iona from the DLNR pointed out that there aren’t that many parks on the whole island, and that it was actually trails that were closed. In addition, the number of closed trails since 2034 was 5, not 500.

  • Over 1,100 years later, scientists discover what probably killed the Mayans


This article was amended to correct the spelling of Vindox Ashlidele’s name from Vindix Vagene. It was further amended for historical accuracy. While there is evidence that the Mayans had tobacco and probably smoked it, commercial cigarettes as we know them didn’t exist until the 1800’s. In addition, it is unlikely that there existed a Mesoamerican marketing campaign targeting young Mayans.

April 30, 2050

  • Unpaid internships in Lahaina now cost more than $3,500 a month


This article was amended to clarify that the cost of living in Lahaina was actually 3.5 times higher than the national average and not 2 times higher. In addition an estimated 1,000 graduates will have unpaid internships in a Lahaina business this year, not 10,000.

  • Dr. Adler Walters on the Cutting-Edge Technology of Trees


This article was removed after we were made aware that some of the information Dr. Adler provided is classified, and was supposed to be off the record. We apologize to the doctor, Vereserum, and the United States Government. We ask that readers who happened to see the article, immediately forget any and all details they might have remembered.

  • Abramo Chophouse Provides 20 tons of Burger To Expand “Meat and Greet” Program


We mistakenly identified the 20 tons of meat provided to the Meat and Greet program as “Burger”. Mr. Abramo points out that in fact, 20 tons of “Bob’s Perfect Burger Blend” was provided. He asserts that referring to the blend simply as burger is akin to calling a piece of wagyu beef, jerky. We have made the requested correction in the article.

We regret these and all future errors.

Mayor to Address “Clean the Lane” Campaign in Public Hearing

What began as a very public neighborhood dispute has spilled over into the Lahaina political arena, as the “Clean the Lane” movement continues to gain steam. This morning, Mayor Albert Cravalho announced that he will be holding a public hearing regarding the future of preservation zone compliance liaison Elizabeth Stonegate, the focus of the campaign. Critics contend that Stonegate is unfit for the position and that she has failed to embrace and embody the “Aloha Spirit” that should represent the island.

According to Shelby Pio, Tanager Lane resident and leader of the Clean the Lane campaign, it all started with a decorative broom displayed on her front porch. Pio’s children are members of a Veil Scout troop and were learning about the art and culture of the native Hawaiians. They had invited a number of local artists who specialize in traditional creations to explain the history and significance of early Hawaiian art. Shelby says that her HOA president Elizabeth Stonegate demanded that one of the art pieces, a broom adorned with boar tusks, be removed from the property because it was “a potentially dangerous weapon”. When she refused, Stonegate fined her and promised to add additional fines everyday that the broom remained on her porch.

For many residents, including Pio, it was the last straw. Shelby accuses Stonegate of a long history of incompetence, hostility, and pettiness that has had a negative impact on the neighborhood and Lahaina in general. Outraged by Stonegate’s decision to punish Shelby over a piece of Hawaiian heritage, others began displaying similar brooms on their porch. News reports about their subsequent fining did nothing but fan the flames in the neighborhood. With the motto, “she can’t fine us all” the movement spread throughout Tanager Lane and across the Lahaina. Residents are displaying brooms or “Clean the Lane” signs as far as Block Rock Beach, and calls for Elizabeth’s removal as compliance officer have grown.

Stonegate has released a statement that reads in part,

“My job as HOA president and compliance liaison are very similar. I ensure that the rules are being followed and protect the association, as well as the preservation zone, to the best of my ability. I regret my initial reaction to the broom, but I had no idea something like that could be considered art. I now realize the benefit of teaching children about how far we’ve come as a society, and to help them appreciate that we don’t have to live like barbarians anymore. I’ve tried to explain my actions and apologize, but Shelby and the media have twisted my words, and made any meaningful dialogue impossible. Now, they want to remove me as compliance officer over a ‘lack of Aloha spirit?’ I’m not sure what that even means. I look forward to the public hearing so I can explain myself clearly, without the bias of the local news.”

Pio says she’s not surprised that Stonegate doesn’t understand the backlash. In fact, she says that is precisely the issue. “Starting in 2017, Hawaii started giving children the Character Skills Snapshot test to measure a child’s intellectual curiosity, teamwork, resilience, open-mindedness, initiative, responsibility, self-control, and social awareness. The State recognized that character was just as important to cultivate as traditional subjects in school. Hawaii has a long history of including kindness, and a sense of decency into their goals and politics. It is important to us, and something that is beyond Elizabeth’s comprehension.”

Shelby points out that the government has actually defined Aloha spirit in the Hawaii Revised Statutes HRS 5-7.5. “….’Aloha Spirit’ is the coordination of mind and heart within each person. It brings each person to the self. Each person must think and emote good feelings to others….” Pio says that Stonegate exhibits none of these characteristics and is doing irreparable harm to the image of Lahaina.

“The broom incident wasn’t the biggest issue, just the final shot in Stonegates war against civility,” says Pio. “Her list of mean spirited disasters and poor decisions is a long one. She has: Forcibly removed a beloved therapy animal from the neighborhood, created a culture of distrust and an atmosphere of fear across the island with an anonymous reporting app, approved the use of dangerous, untested maintenance drones in the neighborhood, and oversaw an ill-advised wall project that trapped 4 children, including her own son, underground for almost a week. Elizabeth Stonegate represents none of our ideals, and has no idea what having the Aloha Spirit means. Every day she is allowed to work in an official capacity is a slap in the face to everyone who embraces Hawaiian values, and does real harm to the image of Lahaina. We plan on cleaning the lane of Mrs. Stonegate, and hope the mayor will see the wisdom in removing this blemish on the reputation of Lahaina as well.”

Mayor Cravalho says he plans on delivering his official statement at the meeting, but he is, “concerned about some of the reports that have come into the office over the past few weeks.” Due to the expected high turnout, the public hearing will be held in the Pu’u high school gymnasium this Thursday, starting at 7pm.

Saying Goodbye to Mr. Sprinkles

All of Tanager Lane is heartbroken this morning. Like many of you, I am still reeling from the fire this weekend. Mrs. Nebbits has been a fixture in the neighborhood even before my ascension to HOA president. For almost 20 years the neighborhood children had a grandmotherly figure to turn to when they needed homemade cookies, or advice and a smile. Her pet pig Mr. Sprinkles was an important part of their lives as well. While Kathy and I didn’t always see things eye to eye, I tried to help her as much as I could and point out problems when I saw them. I just wish I had been more forceful in suggesting that she fix her faulty wiring and stop using so many candles. I dropped by the night of the fire but she was already asleep with Sprinkles curled up at her feet. It’s hard to believe that just a few hours later the flames would change everything.

Mr. Sprinkles’ rise to fame began 11 years ago when he broke out of his house to alert the neighbors that Mrs. Nebbits was hurt. When the paramedics finally forced open the door, they found Kathy at the bottom of the stairs unconscious and lying in a pool of blood. She had a concussion and 26 stitches in her head but she was alive. Who knows what might have happened if Mr. Sprinkles hadn’t gone for help. All of Lahaina was talking about the hero pig of Tanager Lane.

Never one to rest on her laurels, Kathy took this new found fame and she turned it into an opportunity to give back. Her and her pot-bellied partner became a weekly fixture at Molokai General. The sparkling little pig was a favorite of many patients, especially the children. Sprinkles seemed to know who needed a good laugh and who needed to be comforted with a glittery head in their lap and an encouraging oink. The pair touched and literally saved lives with their therapy work. But as the old cliche goes, sometimes bad things happen to good people. According to fire investigator Dan Kukulu, the fire started near her chair where I saw her sleeping that night. He’s unsure if the cause was one of her candles or some faulty electrical work. Whatever the point of ignition, the fire has solved one long-standing problem for me, Mr. Sprinkles.

I know many of you considered him to be the unofficial mascot of Tanager Lane, and that’s the problem. He’s unofficial. You see, even though many of you consider Mr. Sprinkles a scintillating extended family member, he is, in fact, a pig. As such, he is not allowed to be kept inside the preservation zone. The only reason he was allowed to stay with Kathy was that he was here before the rules were put in place and she sued. His exemption burned up in that fire with everything else.

Having no family of her own, it was Mrs. Nebbits’ wish that we collectively take care of Sprinkles until the end of his days. Many of you may think this puts me in a difficult situation, but nothing could be further from the truth. The decision is quite easy actually, because there’s nothing to decide. The rules are quite clear. The pig must go!

I plan on using this unfortunate situation as a teaching opportunity for my kids. If Mrs. Kline had simply followed the rules right away and not sought out a loophole to defy the new law and my authority, this wouldn’t be happening. I’m sure many have wonderful memories of walking the little pig after Kathy got too sick to do it herself. Whenever they think back to those days with a heaviness in their hearts, they’ll remember the importance of guidelines. Following the rules is more important than following your heart. Rules are consistent and forever. Those of you raising your children in single family homes have already taught them that love is fleeting at best, but for the rest of you, this is a great opportunity to teach that lesson.

“But pigs are among the smartest animals on the planet. They can pass the ‘mirror self-recognition test’. That puts them in the same category with chimpanzees, dolphins, and elephants. He knows us,” you might say. Well, if he really is that smart I’m sure he’ll understand that his owner did the wrong thing. The last time I checked, being able to recognize yourself in a mirror does not give you the right to live in Tanager Lane. Besides, for all we know Mr. Sprinkles could have started that fire. Besides me, the pig was the last to see Mrs. Nebbits alive.

“Kathy just spent over $10 thousand on Tailored Cellular Optimization (TCO) treatments. He’s so sparkly now that he shines in the sun. He’s completely rejuvenated and has another 20 years in him at least. Besides, it’s almost Christmas. Can’t we bend the rules just a little one time for such an important member of the community?,” you ask. The answer is a resounding, NO!

As far as I’m concerned we should use Sprinkles new upgrades to our advantage. I was discussing the pig problem at the mayor’s office when Bob Abramo overheard my conversation and offered to help. While I’m not usually one to reward eavesdropping, there was something about the gleam in Mr. Abramo’s eye when we talked about the glittery little pig that caught my attention. He is very interested in Mr. Sprinkles and has offered quite a generous price. He assures me that he has big plans for our sweet little pig.

Out of respect for the connections some of you have with this prohibited animal and the upcoming Christmas holiday, I’m willing to let Mr. Sprinkles stay for a couple more days so you can say your goodbyes. Mr. Abramo only asks that you keep Mr. Sprinkles activity down to a minimum and that we start him on a sweet potato and apple only diet. He seems to know a lot about pigs and tells me that this naturally sugar rich diet is good for his muscles and overall quality. If you need any tips on how to talk to your children about this uncomfortable situation feel free to ask. As you all know, I’m exceedingly good at communication and interpersonal skills. I never thought I’d see this day but here it is. That little pig is about to fly. Mr. Sprinkles had an amazing life and story, but every story comes to an end. Tanager Lane is finally on the brink of achieving total compliance with preservation zone rules, and I intend to hold us to this high standard.

Re: Your Inquiry About the Necessity of Our Emergency Drills

Let me start off by thanking you Shelby for voicing your concerns about Tanager Lane’s quarterly emergency drills. I appreciate your questions almost as much as I appreciate you CCing everyone in the association. We can always count on you asking about procedures and rules already put in place, just in case someone is a little slow on the uptake, or has a hard time comprehending what their obligations are. I am a little confused as to why you didn’t bring it up when I delivered the list of your monthly HOA violations, but as usual the list was quite long, so perhaps it slipped your mind. In any event, the short answer to your question is, Yes, we really need to hold surprise emergency drills in the association every three months. Yes we do!

Practice makes perfect Shelby. I appreciate your concern that, “The last drill took place at 3am. The sirens terrified the kids and Frank couldn’t get back to sleep.” If I could bend the laws of nature, I would certainly schedule fires, hurricanes, and earthquakes at a more reasonable hour, one that better fits with your families sleep schedule. However, I’m too busy most days trying to make sure that Tanager Lane remains safe, and has the highest property values of any neighborhood on the island. It’s a tough job, especially when I have to explain things over and over again.

Times have changed, and recent events prove that anything can happen. We need to be prepared Shelby, certainly better prepared than you were for the Labor Day party this past weekend. I know it was unusually warm, but you ran out of cold drinks in the first hour, despite my warnings about the lack of ice when I arrived. If you had held emergency ice drills with your family, perhaps the party wouldn’t have been such a disappointment.

The past few years have seen many possible dangers that we need to be ready for, if we want our properties to remain the most sought after in Lahaina. We’ve had: record setting hurricanes destroy Front Street, massive explosions that put people in the hospital, and caused property damage. Do you remember the protest floatilla? What if all those people decided to drunkenly wander into the neighborhood, while a house was being shown? Sure, the wall probably would have kept most of them out, but we’ve never tested it against an angry horde before.

I know that you feel, “…using real emergency response vehicles, and actors is a waste of our HOA dues,” but we need to make these drills as realistic as possible, because some day, the danger might be real. The preparedness company that I have contracted is the finest of its kind, working with numerous municipalities and even Veilcorp. Their specialists not only mix up the kind of faux emergencies, but they track the response times of each home in the neighborhood, and present the findings in detailed reports every quarter.

I’m sure you’ve seen where your family ranks, and that’s what I want to get through to you. I know that you have a sort of “open and free” parenting philosophy, but we need everyone’s response in an emergency to be second nature, even our kids. I want your children to be preparedness superstars. I don’t want them to struggle in an emergency, like they do in sports and school.

I understand that you’re having trouble grasping the big picture here, but frankly the Tanager Lane bylaws and regulation documents don’t have a “what does Shelby think?” provision. Perhaps you are unaware that flooding alone costs Hawaiian homeowners over $12 billion a year. Perhaps you don’t know that having a well rehearsed emergency plan can save lives, and head off possible property damage. Perhaps you haven’t heard that the state agrees with me, and is installing an island-wide alert system for the very reasons we hold these drills. Perhaps you are, once again, in over your head Shelby.

Environmental Group Demands Billboards Be Removed From the Preservation Zone

The Lahaina Conservation Association (LCA) has announced today that they have sent a demand letter to Bob Abramo and filed an official complaint with the mayor’s office requesting that the controversial Abramo Chop House and Meat Museum signs be removed from the preservation zone. Mr. Abramo’s office says that the signs act as an important safety feature for tourists who may become lost, by offering recognizable landmarks and extending wifi coverage to the entire zone.

Not counting the infamous case of the Hower family who became lost while hiking along the Pali Trail, misplaced or disoriented tourists were not a major problem around Lahaina. Last year that began to change. 2047 saw dozens of official searches and a handful of legal cases claiming that the trails were dangerous and that the county was slow to respond to reports of missing visitors. Many worried about the complaints draining limited resources and hurting tourism. A call for more clearly marked trails and an expansion of wifi service was put out. That call was answered by Bob Abramo.

Known more for his meat-centric businesses and his real estate holdings, many were skeptical of Abramo’s intentions. According to LCA spokesperson Kimberly Hekili that skepticism was correct, “Mr. Abramo clearly knew that he was bending the rules of the agreement he signed with the county. While it’s true that his billboards are recognizable and expand coverage through the preservation zone thanks to the Phxicom wifi towers mounted on top, they are hideous. People travel from around the world to enjoy the raw natural beauty of our wild places, not be assaulted with billboards with bad puns like: ‘You never saw sausage place!’ or ‘We’ve got a lot on our pâté!’ The advertisements are clearly against preservation zone rules and we are demanding that they be removed immediately.”

10 billboards in total are spread throughout the zone and along the trails. Each of them tells how far you are from Abramo’s wildly popular eatery and points in its direction. The public response was quick and loud. Many called for a boycott of Abramo businesses until the billboards were removed. Others found the signs kitschy and amusing. However, officials were not amused and ordered Robert to take the billboards down. Abramo refused and a legal battle began. While the case has been going on for almost a year, insiders say that an agreement is near and will be announced by the end of the week.

“I’m not really sure what all the fuss was about,” says Abramo.

“Like my steaks, I think our signs are extremely tasteful. The county had a problem and I solved it for them. I’ve met every condition of our contract. The Phxicom towers we’ve provided now cover the entire zone like a tasty peppercorn sauce. Each sign is easily spotted and points in the direction of civilization and deliciously tender ribs. If the mayor’s office had a problem they should have said something during construction. The bottom line is that the county doesn’t have a leg to stand on. This was a federally sanctioned project and we met all of the FCC criteria present in the agreement. The reality is that we could mount a thousand foot tower every fifteen feet and the county, city, or state couldn’t say word boo. However, I’m not completely unreasonable. We offered to shut off the lights, even though that defeats the whole purpose if you ask me.”

Preservation Zone Compliance Liaison Elizabeth Stonegate says she has worked hard to resolve the issue which she blames on “underwhelming” legal advice from inside the mayor’s office. She resents the intrusion of the environmental group, warning that it may upend a tentative agreement reached over the weekend. “The LCA is completely out of their depth,” Stonegate says.

“If a demand letter was all we needed to void this contract the situation would already be resolved. Ms. Hekili’s ineffectual attempt to make her organization relevant in this situation is laughable. This in not the first time Kimmy has tried to assert herself. It seems like whenever she reads that a problem regarding the preservations zone is about to be solved, she sticks her nose in and claims victory. It’s actually a little sad. As I’ve told her before, the adults have everything well in hand, so she doesn’t need to worry. She should feel free to return to the kids table and look at all of her participation trophies. We’ve already reached a provisional agreement without her help, that I believe will make everyone happy. Details will be released in a few days and I look forward to seeing how the LCA plans on taking credit.”

Court orders emergency halt to Veilcorp construction project

A Hawaiian court has ordered an emergency stay on two of three Veilcorp construction projects this morning. The suit brought by the Lahaina Conservation Association (LCA), sought to end the construction of 3 underground storage facilities inside the preservation zone. Environmentalists are hailing the early morning order as a big win against what they call “an increasingly hostile opponent.” Veilcorp officials on the other hand point out that the construction projects were a result of a law initiated by these same groups.

Hurricane Neki hit Maui hard on July 5th, 2047. The storm made landfall in Lahaina and caused widespread damage. From many businesses on Front street, to large swathes of protected forest, there was no shortage of work for clean-up crews. An already difficult job took a potentially dangerous turn when a 127 (Unbiseptium) container was discovered along the beach. Later in the day more containers were found in a number of locations, and officials were alerted. 5 containers were eventually found, and although they all turned out to be empty, the scare sparked a push to better regulate the storage of the dangerous element.

The Maui Conservation and Recovery Act promised to tighten regulations on the storage of 127 and other hazardous materials, as well as put limits on the amount of those materials stored in one place. Despite objections from Veilcorp and a handful of business organizations, the measure had overwhelming public support. It was passed quickly and unanimously and signed into law by the governor.

Controversy soon followed concerning Veilcorp plans for the construction of new underground storage facilities. Officials in Honolulu approved the construction of 3 new warehouses and an accompanying tunnel system beneath the Lahaina Preservation Zone. Opponents were quick to protest the decision, and filed an appeal to have the new projects shutdown.

LCA spokeswoman Kimberly Hekili says,

“The regulations in the preserve would prohibit Veilcorp from building these storehouses above ground. It seems ludicrous that the State has decided it would be fine to let them build beneath these areas. The whole thing stinks of collusion and reinforces our belief that Veilcorp believes the rules don’t apply to them. Earlier this year we saw how entwined the company is with the Mayor’s Office with their trash scandal. Reports continue to roll in about how dangerous 127 can be, yet the company’s Icarus Project continues to bombard us everyday. While we are disappointed that only 2 of the 3 construction operations were shut down today, we are hopeful that our voices and concerns will be heard. We suggest that the company uses some of their record-breaking profits to improve their technology and find a safer power source. Their marketing materials talk about bringing people together and creating a global neighborhood. Their actions however prove that they are not concerned about the health and safety of the people in that neighborhood.”

Veilcorp was set to break ground on all 3 projects simultaneously during a media event this afternoon. The company says they will still hold a ceremony for the single approved dig and have filed their own emergency appeal. The company had hoped that the event would be a turning point in overall public opinion and a growing distrust of many here in Lahaina.

Veilcorp COO Lisa Hunt says she just wishes the environmentalists would make up their mind.

“The people who filed for this emergency stay are the very same people who pushed for the law requiring us to build these facilities in the first place. The plans were approved by the governor and the Department of Land and Natural Resources (DLNR) months ago. They were available to the public immediately upon their approval. I’m sorry that these people were too busy making each other bracelets, peeling garbanzo beans, and offering words of encouragement to nesting birds to read the actual legislation that they had pushed for. We are already overburdened with preservation zone regulations and frankly we don’t have the time or inclination to deal with a bunch of part-time environmentalists. These plans have already been approved by real scientists who understand complex biology, and environmental systems. While I’m sure Kimmy thinks she is saving the world, I would suggest that she and the rest of her drum circle move on and put their energies into issues that they can grasp.”

A response to the Veilcorp appeal should come later today, while a final decision on the remaining construction projects could take months. It may take a while for the courts to weigh in on the issue, but others are ready now. Preservation Zone Compliance Officer Elizabeth Stonegate says,

“I appreciate that Ms. Hekili likes to think that she is in charge. Children often pretend to be the boss of something when they play together. Unfortunately for her I don’t have the time or desire to pretend with her and her friends. I was appointed by the mayor to oversee these issues and I’ve done a remarkable job. As far as I can remember Kimberly wasn’t even in the running. I can assure her and the other children in her group that the adults have everything under control. She should get back to dealing with whatever it is she pretends to do best and leave the hard work to me.”

Lahaina Student Crowned Pacific Fire Knife Champion

This past weekend, a Lahaina area student was crowned the 2048 Pacific Fire knife Champion. Pu’u sophomore, and dancing prodigy Kaholo Mae beat out competitors from Japan, Tahiti, and a former champion from Samoa to be the youngest person to ever hold the title. This is the first time a Hawaiian has won the top prize in the competition. Mayor Albert Cravalho announced his office will host a celebration and award ceremony at the Pu’u auditorium for the young fire knife dancer Friday evening.

Kaholo says he started practicing fire knife dancing at the tender age of two, and entered his first competition at four-years-old. “My mom tried to stop me at first, but after I saw my first fire knife event on TV I was hooked. To tell you the truth I’m more of a traditional jazz and tap kind of guy at heart. My lindy game is off the chain, and my Bandy Twist is certified flawless, but there was something about twirling fire that got its hooks in me, and never let go. Being the 2048 Pacific Fire Knife Champion is a dream come true, and I want to thank my friends and coaches for all their support, and especially my mom who put up with a lot of singed carpet, and curtains when I was first learning my groove. I feel very lucky and blessed to have come so far in the fire knife community at such a young age.”

A staple of any Polynesian show or luau, Siva Afi, better known as fire knife dancing, has a long and rich history in Polynesian culture. Practitioners originally used a Nifo Oti, a type of Samoan war club. The dancer would demonstration his or her battle prowess through a series of artful throwing, catching, twirling, and dancing moves with the club. Later with the introduction of metal to the islands, dancers used a machete wrapped in towels on both ends. The towels were then set ablaze giving the activity the fire knife moniker.

The flashy demonstrations soon became a favorite amongst visiting European and America Whalers, with huge demonstrations being held for successful expeditions. Records indicate that it was not unusual for hundreds of fire knife dancers to perform on Lahaina beaches after a fruitful hunt. Besides replacing the machetes with aluminum poles, the practice remains little changed today.

“Something happens when I put on the lavalava, and the drummers hit their groove. It’s deafening, but I don’t hear the drums; I feel them. It’s hard to explain, but I feel like the fire, and I are one, and the dance just sort of happens. I feel like I could handle anything thrown at me, like I’m in complete control or everything. Marathon runners call it a runner’s high. I just know it feels great, and I’m thankful that I have this outlet to celebrate my culture and my art,” says Mae.

Despite its deep roots in history, and importance to cultural heritage, some question fire knife dancing’s place in modern society. They point out the practice in its current form represents a troubling time, when Hawaii began turning away from traditional values, foods, dress, and customs, to appeal to the wants and needs of whalers and other outside forces. Some have even simpler complaints about fire knife dancing.

“It’s just stupid,” says Preservation Zone Compliance Liaison and Pu’u PTA member Elizabeth Stonegate. “I know people used to do it a long time ago so we’re supposed to have some sort of reverence or something, but that doesn’t work for me. Let’s be honest, we used to do all kinds of things that are dangerous or stupid. We used to bleed people to make them healthier, we gave people cocaine for toothaches, and before there were videos to watch, people had to watch these dancers spin burning objects at night. Thankfully, now you usually only have to watch the spectacle if your get dragged to one of those terrible tourist luaus. Up until now, I thought that was the sad exclusive domain of this embarrassing entertainment relic. However, like a lot of people I was troubled to learn about this competition over the weekend, and the disappointing truth of the school’s involvement.

I understand that we have to have ridiculous extracurricular activities like Model UN, and band for those children not talented enough to play a sport, but do we really need to support fire knife dancing? Our kids already spend too much of their time involved in classes that are completely useless to them in later life, history and chemistry just to name a few off the top of my head, but twirling a flaming batton or chain has to be the biggest waste of educational dollars I’ve ever heard of. I can’t imagine a situation where being able to play with fire like this would actually serve a purpose. I only hope Mr. Mae has the good sense not to try out his twirling at prom. Some of these parents have paid too much money for prom dresses to see them singed in the name of cultural sensitivity.”

Despite the few naysayers Pu’u Principal Pa’ani Mahelona says that he couldn’t be more proud of Mae’s accomplishment. “I know how hard Kaholo has worked. I’ve watched him grow from a kindergartner swaying back and forth during the Christmas program, to a young man capable of some of the most precise flaming batton work anyone has ever seen. All of Lahaina is in awe of his moves and artistry.” Mahelona says that any concerns about fire knife dancing at this year’s prom are ridiculous, and the product of misplaced jealousy. He adds, “It’s unfortunate that some people feel the need to tear down what they don’t understand, instead of celebrating this young man’s achievement. I find it especially ironic that Ms. Stonegate has concerns about the prom when there remains an active restraining order against her after last year’s debacle, and her own husband is not legally allowed within 100 yards of a school due to his history. This week should be about an amazing young man who is capable of anything, not petty bickering.”