Glimpsea Expands “Lahaina View” Project

The Hawaiian Department of Land and Natural Resources announced today that they would be joining the County of Maui and Glimpsea in their Lahaina View Project. Started last year, the program’s goal is to provide a live view of all of Lahaina through a network of cameras 24/7.

For the past year, Glimpsea has deployed its Comprehensive Aloha Security Helper Camera System (CASH) across large portions of Lahaina under the supervision of Mayor Cravalho’s office. Using a number of security cameras, the project currently covers most of Front Street and portions of the beach. The inclusion of the DLNR and their preservation zone drones will expand the program to a much larger area, but Vice President Simon Ike says that’s just the beginning.

“We’re really excited about the DLNR’s decision. Including their drones is a win-win situation for everyone. In addition to expanding our coverage in Lahaina, the drones can zero in on specific areas or tourists. It’s like having a professional camera crew following you around while you’re on vacation. As part of the agreement, we’ve provided the DLNR with a number of our mite-cams to be used in their tagging programs. We are hopeful that the shots provided by these banded birds will help conservation efforts and allow those interested an intimate view of the day to day affairs of Lahaina’s wildlife.”

While the new agreement will offer some exciting new areas of coverage, Lahaina is large. A handful of drones and birds won’t cover a significant range of the island. Ike says he is hopeful that the public can help the project reach its goal by downloading Glimpsea’s new app.

“The reality is that this new partnership will offer some interesting shots but we’re going to need the public’s help if we’re going to get a complete view of Lahaina. We encourage everyone who is interested to get our app and join the program. If you own any of our products currently: security cams, drones, 360 cams, or mite-cams, the app will be included in your next update. For those not using our products, our app is compatible with most drones, phones, and dash cams. If it has a lens and you bought it in the last 10 years, you can be part of the team. All you have to do is provide the make and model number and hit “Accept”. I’m confident that we will reach our goal of total Lahaina coverage by the end of the year. Soon, people from all over the world will be able to see, and in many cases hear, just how beautiful this place is in real time.”

The Lahaina View project is not without its detractors of course. Many worry about privacy issues and the network being hacked. Some feel that the program goes against the sense of freedom and peace that many visit the island to experience. “How are you supposed to relax on the beach if you know some creep could be sitting in his basement somewhere in the world staring at you?” asks Lauryn Krie, a tourist visiting from Detroit. Local activist Kevin Morrow has different concerns.

I cautioned everyone about the radio tower but nobody would listen. Now we have ziplines attached all over the place and you can’t walk near one without hearing someone drop an F-bomb. I’ve been trying to track the increase in profanity since the swear tower went up, but it’s been hard because there wasn’t a lot of airborne obscenity before the ziplines. I think it’s safe to say you are 100% more likely to hear cursing from above since my warnings went unheeded. I hope it’s not too late for this video thing. Tourists routinely swear on the beach and Front Street. I don’t think it’s a stretch to imagine children who are now hooked on profanity flipping through the audio enabled views looking for a fix. Words aren’t just noises that we make with air through the holes in our faces, they are ideas and some ideas are bad. The Lahaina View project is a very bad idea.”

How To Communicate the News About the Train Station In a Responsible Way

Dear city council,

Like many in Lahaina, I was delighted when I heard about the inter-island rail project. Having an easy way to travel across the island and to Lanai seemed like a great idea, even considering the level of profanity that public transportation evokes. When I learned that Veilcorp was pulling out last year I was greatly concerned. Mayor Cravalho did an admirable job however of quickly spreading the news that the train might still run one day. Unfortunately, it appears now that the train won’t be traveling anywhere. My investigations have revealed that the train station has a new owner and we have a potential crisis on our hands. I’m talking of course about the crisis of excessive disappointment. We need to make sure our friends and neighbors are ready for it.

As a published amateur sociologist with 2 active blogs, I’ve devoted my life to identifying the ills of society. Many of you ignored my warnings about the increase in public profanity the radio tower would produce. I think we all know how that worked out. I can only hope that you listen more closely to my warnings about rampant disappointment.

My studies and observations have led me to believe that the displeasure caused by the nonfulfillment of one’s hopes or expectations might be just as bad as swearing. Research has shown that when asked to rank words from “good” to “bad”, disappointment ranks consistently near the bottom. These investigations have further shown that a feeling of disappointment can drastically affect an individual’s behavior. I have some personal experience in this area.

As a child my parents would often forget to pick me up at scheduled times after events, a phenomenon that continues to this day. I can’t count how many times I’ve carpooled with a group only to be inexplicably left behind when it was time to go. I’m not sure what it is that makes it so easy for others to drive away without me, but the disappointment it caused has left its mark. I now try to drive myself everywhere and become very anxious whenever I ride with someone else. The last thing we need is an entire island wondering what to do with themselves because the possibility of taking a train ride home has been stripped from them.

Trains are romantic and good for the environment. There’s no doubt that Veil travel is the way to go if you’re traveling a long way, but for short trips there’s nothing like riding the rails. Trains are a great way to see the countryside and really experience a culture. Most countries see the value in a robust rail system and I know many on the island do too. A recent survey of 150 different countries has shown that the U.S. ranked 5th for being the most emotional country. Our emotional rivers are already swollen at the banks and I’m not sure what is going to happen if the city council unleashes a downpour of disappointment with the train news.

Things have already turned violent with the year long delay. I’ve been spending the last few months hiding near the empty station at night. I watch people walk by in order to gauge their level of disappointment and the emotional problems it causes. What I’ve found is eye-opening. I’ve been verbally assaulted and threatened on numerous occasions while crouched in the bushes. I was even attacked with pepper spray on one occasion while trying to follow a particularly raucous group who were wandering by. I was stunned at how quickly their laughter turned to screams and shouts. I wondered what had caused such a quick change in mood as I tried to wash out my eyes in the shadows. I’ve been all over this island and the people are generally kind and friendly. Why were they acting so differently at night near the train station, especially towards someone partially hidden in the foliage? Then a switch flipped in my head and the answer became clear: crushing disappointment.

I’m sure Vereserum is a fine company and will employ people, pay taxes, and all that, but will they be offering train rides? I highly doubt it. We need to get in front of this thing before word gets out. I don’t want to get bogged down in how I know about this deal before it has been made public. That’s not important right now. What is important is appropriate signage and a carefully crafted statement.

Luckily for you, I am willing to offer up my expertise and extensive knowledge of the human mind. I have a few ideas about the amount of smiley faces and other positive emoji’s to include in your official statement, and some font choices that I think will serve us well. Lahaina is supposed to be a friendly, beautiful place. Nobody wants to watch sad surfers or walk along a bitter beach. Disappointment can spread like a disease and we need to be the cure. If I work all night I can have my slides ready for your morning meeting. Let me know If I should stay home tonight and out of the bushes. I’m confident that together we can guide the people of Lahaina through this difficult time.

We should cut the ziplines and our losses

Like many of you I was indifferent to the idea of running ziplines from the radio tower to key spots downtown. On one hand I thought it would reduce the number of lost ecotourists wandering through the neighborhood, on the other hand there were a bunch of meetings that my wife insisted we attend. I consider my time valuable so I was not looking forward to the meetings but figured that the nut who railed against the tower because it would increase swearing would show up and I’d get a laugh. But I’m not laughing now. After everything I’ve been through and seen, I’m beginning to think that the wacko had it right all along. The zipline experiment has failed and we need to take them down before it’s too late.

Like the local weirdo, my first concern is with language. I’m the kind of guy who tries really hard not to care about anything. Getting worked up about issues that you can’t change yourself is a drain. I try not to get too excited about things, but the amount of flying f*$ks given off by these zipliners is astounding. I would estimate that a f-bomb is dropped within earshot of my home every 15 minutes. I have impressionable children. If they are going to be exposed to that kind of language I want it to be from me, not some stranger flying through the sky above their home like a foul-mouthed Santa.

Next we have the safety issues. The company running the lines clearly doesn’t care about safety. From what I can tell, customers are often drunk when using their service. The lines have been up less than a month and we’ve already had 2 instances of people getting stuck. If I’m working on the car while trying to listen to the game, the last thing I need is a screaming tourist stuck 40 feet above my house. It’s not just terrified tourists going down the lines either. I’ve seen coolers, pets, and even a baby strapped into a car seat go flying through the air. At any given time the sky above my neighborhood looks like a cross between a Vegas acrobat show and a swap meet.

Even with all of those problems I thought I could abide the daily idiot air show. There was an incident last week that changed my mind however. I can tolerate bottles and wrappers falling like a filthy rain but not what landed on my car on my way home.

I am the proud owner of a Mustang Shelby GT350. Her name is Ivy. I love her. With 526 hp, 429 lb-ft of torque, and custom green paint, Ivy sets me apart from other men. I love my kids. I really do, but they aren’t remarkable in any way so far. They do alright in school but just alright. I’m probably going to have to pay for their college without any help from scholarships. Neither one is especially athletic or good looking so a job as a Manimal spokesperson is out the window. No, they’re just your run-of-the-mill ordinary kids and I’m OK with that. Ivy is different. When you have a car like that people know that you’re the kind of guy who’s willing to put time into something. Maintaining a car as special as Ivy this close to the ocean is hard work. All kids need is access to food and an occasional hug. Ivy is special and I’m very protective of her.

I was driving home along my normal route, being careful to avoid any debris in the road, just like I always do, when I noticed a zipliner coming my way. I could hear her screams over Ivy’s purr and her face was frozen in terror. Then I watched something drop and arc my way in the wind. I couldn’t figure out what it was at first. It hit the windshield and my mind scrambled to come up with a scenario that wasn’t so horrific, but I had to accept what just happened. The tourist was so scared that she lost control of her bodily functions, and now it was all over Ivy. By the time I got home my finger was numb from pressing the washer fluid button. It took 2 hours of meticulous washing and waxing before Ivy was no longer befouled but I’m not sure she’ll ever be clean again. I double bagged and threw away her wipers.

I want to believe that I’ll be able to look at her one day and not relive the incident, but it’s just too hard right now. I can’t unring that bell. She’s sat covered in the garage all week. I’ve been taking the bus to work. As long as those lines are still up I can’t chance it. Let’s take them down now before others have to feel the pain of having a stranger literally shit all over the thing they hold most dear.

Concerned Citizen,
Scott Stonegate

We Shouldn’t be Building a Radio Tower in Lahaina

I’m not sure I have the words to properly convey my disappointment at the short-sightedness and derision that I experienced last night at the radio tower meeting. It is a shame that a person can’t be forgiven for past mistakes (even if they were very well intentioned) and that nobody seemed interested in heeding my warnings.

You may not have recognized me at first, but you all seemed to remember my most famous diversion program, Thug-Hugs. All anyone wanted to talk about was the negative coverage we got, or the jokes on late night TV. What you and many others failed to understand was that the program would have been a huge success if it hadn’t been for the incident at the bus stop. The world may not have been ready for surprise hugs from formerly incarcerated strangers but it needs to hear my message about the dangers of profanity.

As an amatuer sociologist I’ve devoted my life to identifying the ills of society. That is how I became aware of the sickness of swearing brought on by extreme activities. I was trying to enjoy myself with my nephew at an amusement park but I found it impossible because of the language I was hearing. Every trip on the roller coaster burned my ears as profanity mixed with the screams and laughter. I firmly but politely informed everyone around me that I didn’t appreciate the coarse language and would call the police if it didn’t stop. Instead of solving the problem, I was surprised to find that my words fell on deaf ears. In fact, the profanity seemed to increase and the general mood turned dark. Something was making all the people around me agitated and I was determined to figure out what it was.

The bad language seemed to spread through the park and it began to have have a negative effect on my experience. I overheard a young lady say, “I think that f***ing weirdo from the roller coaster is following us around and writing down everything we say!” Soon after her boyfriend turned on me, threatening physical violence while calling me every name in the book. Then things got worse, as the confrontation made my nephew cry and he demanded that I take him home. I was dumbfounded as to how we had found ourselves in this situation. I was simply trying to study the phenomena I had experienced on the roller coaster. Now everyone was yelling and I began to feel something build up inside me. I looked my nephew in the eyes and called him an “ungrateful shit” before marching out of the park and to my car.

The silence of the ride home was illuminating to me. What had caused me to snap like that? What had caused the discord on the roller coaster? Why did the young lady and her companion become so angry when I was collecting data? What one thing did all those situations have in common? Then it hit me. It was the profanity.

I began watching as many roller coaster videos as I could. I discovered that if I listened close enough I could hear profanity in almost every one, but that was just the tip of the iceberg. I would soon discover that the amount of swearing involved in extreme sports videos was titanic. The base language used in base jumping videos was particularly bad. While there would be an occasional off-color remark in bike jumping or a scuffle between skateboarders, the profane parachuters took the problem to a whole new level. The F-bombs flew as they fell towards the ground defying trespassing laws and common decency. I wondered what might have happened if that girl at the park and her friends had been base jumpers. The thought made me shudder.

Words shape your reality, and bad words lead to bad outcomes. I could come to no other conclusion. Backed with anecdotal evidence and a small video library of examples, I went to the meeting in order to warn you. Towers lead to base jumping. Base jumping leads to profanity. Profanity leads to your sister-in-law forbidding you from seeing your nephew, or worse. Most people are blissfully unaware of the ramifications of having a tall structure erected in their town, but I’m not most people. I urge my neighbors and our community to please listen to my words of warning and halt construction of this tower before it’s too late.