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Let Fractured Hearts Find The Perfect Survival Companion For You

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Fractured Hearts is the leading matching service in Lahaina for lonely survivors, Thrivers, Kanaka, or the recently restored. We’ll help you not only find the person right for you, but live long enough to form a lasting relationship. Fractured Hearts’ trained skill assessors and love specialists will score you on 35 points of survival skills and personal traits, to find the perfect companion for you. With clients as far away as Nakalele point, Fractured Hearts is the best way for singles to find a friend and increase their chance of survival. Whether you’re looking for a lasting Lahaina love, a casual crafting partner, or just a friend to guard the perimeter of your heart, for a reasonable monthly charge of 20 rai, we will find someone for you!

Love and relationships were among the biggest casualties of the fracture. Along with governments, and society on the whole, the world of dating was never the same. Many singles still focus on day-to-day concerns like food, water, and shelter, ignoring the need for companionship. However, studies have consistently shown that positive relationships have numerous benefits including: reduction in stress, finding potable water, dealing with adversity, higher pain tolerance, spotting dangers in the forest, and longer life expectancy. We believe that having a loving companion in a post fracture world isn’t just a luxury; It’s a necessity! Isn’t it time you stop surviving and start thriving? Let our Fractured Hearts program make the most of your love life by finding you a companion you can count on when things turn grim.

Who We Are:
Launched in April of 2116, Fractured Hearts has become a pioneer in survival based relationship services, working with all major groups and Houses in the West Maui area. We assess romantic and survival opportunities, allowing singles to find someone who can help them survive the dangers of Lahaina in a loving way. Having founded the island’s premiere institute of learning, the Lahaina College of Love and Literacy, we have almost 65 years experience handling the hearts of Lahaina. Over the years, we’ve learned more about what people want, and the skills they need to make it, than any other institution in the world. We’ll help you survive relationships and the dangers of life with the help of a special friend.

What We Do:
Our goal is simple: we want you to survive the dangers of Lahaina with the kind of relationship that not only please your heart, but compliments your skill set. Not to toot our own horn, but we’re pretty good at it. Every month, we hear from dozens of successful couples from all over the island sharing stories of survival, sending wedding invitations, and announcing the birth of new Houses. We’ve become so successful that you probably already know someone who’s found a companion with Fractured Hearts.

How It Works:
At Fractured Hearts we believe in tough love. It has been our experience that most people are terrible at self assessments, so we do it for you. Our trained skill assessors and love specialists run clients through a number of skill tests and social interactions, to compile an objective profile reflecting 35 love and survival criteria. We understand that the ability to make a fire and fight off a wolf attack are just as important as honesty and a sense of humor for our clients. By matching you with someone who shares your unique personality traits and complimentary survival skills, you can safeguard not only your figurative, but your literal heart as well. To help ensure the safety of our community, every client is screened for radiation, disease, and mutation before they are accepted to the program. But don’t worry! Being found to be …extra special… will just open up a new world of romance with others similarly afflicted.

Can It Work For Me?
We believe everyone deserves love, and a good chance of living a long life. There are many ways to love, but our system is the best way to meet, court, and protect the well-being of that new special person in your life. If you are ready to share a piece of your heart and a cut of your rations, Fractured Hearts is right for you. The course of love has never ran smoothly until now. We can help you find a partner to build a unified team, able to take on whatever life, love, or an angry nightmarcher can throw at you. When all seems lost remember, Fractured Hearts and love can help you find a way.

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I Don’t Want My Son Spending Valentine’s Day On Your Ship!

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When Maleko told me that he wanted to enroll in your Love and Literacy program, I thought it was odd but that it couldn’t hurt. I was obviously wrong. I had no idea the kind of nonsense that you would be filling his head with. It seems like you people need a reality check. The world has order and rules again, it has to in order to make everything work. Love is fine but it doesn’t protect you on the road and it doesn’t make the water drinkable. Love doesn’t conquer all!

I knew something was different after his first week of classes. Maleko has always been a sullen boy, and I noticed a certain sparkle in his eye that had been previously reserved for lava sledding. My suspicions were confirmed we he started talking about a girl in his class called Nui. It was nothing but Nui this and Nui that around here. He told me that her parents grew breadfruit, and that she was a great story teller. I should have known something was wrong by the way he acted when I suggested that she come up to Pu’u for a visit. I missed it, but I blame you for creating an environment that fosters such nonsense.

His father and I laughed about his puppy love, and joked about how many marriages must come from your school. Reading nothing but romance novels on an old cruise ship filled with teenagers and young adults…it’s just like the people in that old movie, you’re just missing the iceberg. When he started insisting on ironing his clothes I knew things were getting serious. He had been spending so much time at your school and with Nui that we thought we’d surprise him by showing up to his morning class. We were the ones who got a surprise.

I didn’t really understand what I was seeing at first. There was my darling boy sitting on someone’s lap like a ventriloquist dummy. We walked around to face him and get a better look at who this person was and why he was sitting like that. When I realized that it was a hulking Kānaka girl my jaw dropped. It suddenly all made sense to me, but I didn’t want to believe it. This was Nui.

We all stared in silence for a few seconds before Maleko kicked his legs and yelled, “Put me down!” They both began to ramble and explain, but I couldn’t hear them right away. Nui was at least 2 feet taller than him and probably double his weight. All I could imagine was where we’d get a dress to fit, how the wedding pictures would look, and what his grandmother would say.

When I could comprehend words again, Maleko was in the middle of explaining that Nui’s parents weren’t exactly thrilled with the idea of him either, but they understood that the heart wants what it wants. The “teacher” said something about how the power of love can overcome all obstacles and how inspirational their story was. I can’t believe you teach such rubbish!

It didn’t get any better. My innocent son informed me that the two were already engaged and that they were planning on having a Kānaka binding ceremony, whatever that is, on Valentine’s Day! Worse still, the school was sponsoring the event and letting them both stay overnight on the ship for their honeymoon.

Who do you people think you are? Nobody informed me of anything, and I’m the mother of one of these misguided kids. Your staff has been anything but helpful up to this point and my husband seems resigned to the idea that we’ll soon have a new daughter-in-law. But I don’t see how this comes out happy in the end. That’s all I want. I’m sure they think they’re in love, but is love really enough to make it through this world? Please, don’t let my son spend Valentine’s Day on your ship!

Iolana Mahelona

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How We Can Make Our Love and Literacy Program Better

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35 years ago our parents began a dream vacation together. The opportunity to cruise the Hawaiian islands with other romance novelists was a dream come true for my mother. According to my dad she was bouncing off the walls weeks before the trip, and had her head buried in her notebook the first couple days of the cruise. As we all know things didn’t go as planned.

Tough decisions were made that day, and they had to be made fast. As the world crumbled around them, our parents and the surviving crew decided to keep cruising, and try to ignore what was happening outside the ship. That lasted for a while, but reality eventually started to beat out romance. My mom said that civility and the midnight buffet were among the first casualties. They put off the inevitable for almost 6 months, but then the fuel ran out and so did the dream.

They were a resilient lot however, and soon their talents as wordsmiths was put to use. Fate and circumstance had left them the greatest collection of living authors in the world. Their love of language was apparent to the survivors on the island, and soon they had made agreements with many different factions. Slowly, they courted the various Kānaka groups until a lasting bond through literature was formed, and at night they would go up the hill and teach the Thrivers reading and romance.

With my mom at the helm, the “Love, Life, and Literacy” program was born to our very excited parents. They raised it to be the most comprehensive post-apocalypse college of arts and letters available (as far we know). Their love affair with words turned their fantasy to reality, and they passed it on to us. It is our job to keep the school and relationships on the island fresh and exciting. For the most part, I think we’ve done a good job. Nonetheless, there have been a few indiscretions that I feel need to be addressed honestly and out in the open.

There has always been talk of expanding the curriculum to cover topics other than literature and the human condition. Science and math have always been the most popular suggestions, but recently history has been batted around, (because of the “doomed to repeat it” trope I suppose).
To all those who are pushing for expanded classes I have only one thing to say, NO!

Pursuing science and math is what got us here. Love didn’t poison the land and water. Romance didn’t cause the collapse of civilization. Billions of lives weren’t lost because of an excess of tenderness. It was an overzealous need to understand the world before we truly understood ourselves that was almost our downfall. When my mother first began this journey you couldn’t even trade a well-crafted romance novel for a salted fish. You can get a good meal in some places for a mediocre poem now. That is the kind of progress that we need to focus on.

Speaking of focus it has come to my attention that many of you have been selling books personally, and not in conjunction with our store. I know that the practice has been going on for a long time and I generally turn a blind eye. Two recent events make that practice impossible now. First, according to our inventory fantasy and thriller novels are outselling romance by almost 3:1. That is unacceptable. Catering to the Kānaka’s baser instincts with tales of violence and explosions instead of cultivating more mature emotions goes against everything we are working for. No more selling tales of swords and sorcerers on the side. Don’t make me go medieval on you! Second, and most disturbing it has come to my attention that someone who shall remain nameless has been passing off two classics as his own. Plagiarism is a vile practice and the next time I ask a student who wrote “Treasure Island” I better hear Robert Louis Stevenson.

Lastly, we come to what might be the most troubling issue facing us. It is important that the education we provide is of a quality that we can be proud of, and that means standards. From the very beginning my mother’s seminal work, “Aloha! Mark Aloha! Love” has been the cornerstone of our curriculum. According to our syllabus it is the novel that our capstone class, “Understanding Love” is based on. Imagine my surprise when I learned that Alexis Green was trying to use her mother’s novel, “Love Lahaina Style” to teach the class. With its run-on sentences and sloppy metaphors it’s no wonder that it’s left some students tired and confused. LLS is a perfectly reasonable starter book for our remedial classes, but falls flat when compared to the symphony of seduction that is “Aloha! Mark”. Let’s respect the high bar we’ve set for ourselves and the education we provide. We owe it to our parents and our students.