STORYLINE

Expansion of Controversial Drone Privacy Law Proposed

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Love it or hate it, if you’re a Maui native chances are you have an opinion on HRS-986, more commonly known as the drone privacy law. The legislation has ruffled plenty of feathers and interfered with numerous public events over the past year, but now privacy advocates want to expand the program to all public cameras and businesses participating in Glimpsea’s Lahaina View Project. If passed, business owners will be forced to verbally warn all patrons that they are being filmed “for marketing and security purposes” and obtain a signed release.

The subject of countless parodies on late-night television and spawning thousands of memes, the drone privacy act was supposed to protect the privacy of Maui citizens and the millions of tourists who visit every year. After a number of high-profile incidents involving the Veilcorp drones that continuously film activities on the island, HRS-986 promised to protect anonymity and curtail where the drones could film, a promise many say the law didn’t keep.

Forcing Veilcorp drones to broadcast a warning message whenever entering a new area or switching targets while filming, there were issues almost immediately. Weddings were ruined, as drones repeated the warning for each guest in attendance. One infamous video shows drones pursuing a funeral procession and drowning out speakers at a memorial service. Bird watchers and nature enthusiasts say the drone warnings scared away wildlife and disturbed the peaceful beauty of the preservation zone. Some conservationists even blame the automated announcements on the sharp decline in nesting sites of the Palila, a critically endangered finch-billed species of Hawaiian honeycreeper.

Overnight it became impossible to go anywhere outside and not eventually hear, “Pursuant to HRS-986, The Hawaiian Drone acknowledgment act of 2050, You are on notice that you are being filmed and agree to have your image captured and streamed for marketing and security purposes.” With their automated movements, pranksters began to place whirligigs & wind spinners in lawns late at night to attract drones and wake up entire neighborhoods with 85 decibels of privacy concerns.

With so much bad press it may seem strange that anyone is pushing to expand the program, but privacy groups say there is a need to protect against the public intrusions created by Glimpsea’s Lahaina View Project as well. They say the network of public and private cameras are a threat to anonymity and are concerned about the recently announced facial recognition abilities of the system.

“Uncle” Ralph Umeke, owner of the popular Hula Noodle eatery, and a Lahaina fixture is not a fan of the proposed expansion, calling it, “unmitigated nonsense!”

“It’s bad enough that they got those mechanical parrots buzzing around repeating that nonsense like a broken record, but now they want me to read a statement to everyone who comes into the shop and have them sign papers too? It’s nonsense! Do you know how busy I am during the lunch rush? If I have to read a statement and get paperwork for each individual who wants some noodles on a Friday afternoon, there’s going to be a whole lot of people who don’t get anything to eat. I like to listen to contented slurping in the shop, not my voice declaring, “This business operates within the Lahaina View Zone. Your image will likely be recorded for commercial purposes while you engage in commerce here.” It’s stupid! You already can barely hear the waves over the drone announcements at the beach some days. I’m not going to do the same inside my shop while people try to enjoy their food.”

Many business owners feel the same as Umeke but backers of the new legislation say the law will go a long way to foster goodwill with the public. Privacy advocate and author of such books as, “Stop Talking To Me: A Guide in Elevator Etiquette” Kevin Morrow says that the new law is needed to fill in the cracks left by HRS -986.

“HRS-987-4 simply adds protections to anyone filmed by the numerous cameras downtown participating in Glimpsea’s misguided enterprise. Models need to sign waivers for the use of their images and they’re getting paid. I think the general public deserves at least the same protections as someone wearing the latest flip-flop line for money.

The truth of the matter is that every year millions of people are devastated by the effects of mistimed photography and misleading video. Whether it’s a school picture taken during a blink, a wedding video catching a drunk uncle pantsless due to a belt malfunction, or someone being falsely labeled a wine spiller because of a handful of incidents, these sorts of permanent reminders of brief seconds of embarrassment are unacceptable.

Unfortunately, I have personal experience in how pictures can create and perpetuate false narratives. Many years ago I innocently spilled wine while filling glasses at a family get together. Luckily, I was able to move past the fumbling and my normally critical family didn’t mention it for the rest of the evening. I didn’t think much of it until it happened again at Christmas. This time, however, it was caught on film and posted to social media for my ridicule.

I was viciously labeled a “Spiller” by friends and family, even though my cousin Randy clearly hit the table the third and fourth time it happened on camera. I no longer felt safe at family events and refused to attend them to avoid any other labels and damage to my character. I even began to doubt my ability to pour other liquids, causing me great embarrassment and difficulty. With the help of my doctor and my plastic support pitcher, I was slowly able to gain my confidence back. I’m happy to announce that I can once again pour freely around the house without any issues. However, if this law had been around then, it may have saved me several years of struggle. We have a duty to protect the public from situations like mine. We need to guard against red-eye pictures, misguided vacation wardrobe decisions, and improperly recorded audio. That is why I believe HRS-987-4 is an important step in the right direction.”

STORYLINE

Watchdog Group Warns That Explosion at Lahaina Business Was Caused by 127-Laden Fruit

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The investigation into a recent accident at one of the popular “Pineapples and Oranges” smoothie bars in downtown Lahaina took a strange twist today, thanks to the watchdog group VeilWatch. The group released internal Veilcorp documents which they say prove the explosion at the popular bar was caused by fruit “saturated by high levels of element 127.” Officials say that they are exploring any and all leads regarding the accident which injured 5, but have not had time to review the documents sent to multiple media outlets yet. Veilcorp vehemently denies the group’s claims calling them an “unfortunate but wholly predictable attempt to mislead the public.”

One of the most beloved refreshment stops on Front Street, Pineapples and Oranges, has expanded throughout Maui, but the busiest store remains the original Lahaina location. It’s not unusual to wait 20-30 minutes during peak hours, and the lines on the weekends have become legendary. Given its popularity, officials say it is a miracle that more people were not injured after an explosion rocked the store hard enough to shatter windows on Saturday. Despite early reports of another terror attack, investigators now say they are focusing on a malfunctioning LuWow! blender as the most likely culprit. However, Tim Durney, former investigator for the Iowa Department of Natural Resources, and founder of the watchdog group VeilWatch, says that he believes unprecedented levels of 127 in bananas is responsible, and he has the documents to prove it.

“To be clear, the cause of this explosion which sent 5 innocent people to the hospital was likely smoothie ingredients laden with 127. We’ve released internal Veilcorp communications proving that the corporation knew that 127 has potassium-like affinities making it possible to build up in explosive amounts in certain fruits, like bananas. Thanks to the company’s Icarus project, we’ve already seen what the dangerous levels of 127 currently saturating the Earth can do to animal life. It should come as no surprise that it would have an equally deleterious effect on plants. In fact the emails we released today prove that Veilcorp knew about the potential problem and failed to warn the public. Who knows what else is slowly being charged with 127, and getting ready to blow.”

Veilcorp officials released a short statement reading in part, “Far more dangerous than Mr. Durney’s theoretical banana bomb, is his unfortunate but wholly predictable attempt to mislead the public…We wish those injured this weekend a speedy recovery. It is a shame that Veilwatch chooses to exploit such incidents to further their agenda of misinformation and cloud this investigation.”

While the new accusations may not add any clarity to the situation, one man present during the explosion says he believes the investigators are on the right track. Store manager John Driscol says that one LuWOW! machine in particular is to blame.

“Everyone who works in the Front Street store knows the history of machine number 4. We have 8 commercial blenders at that location, but number 4 has a mind of its own, and it’s troubled. I took this job because I’m a huge smoothie fan, and I didn’t know exactly what a store manager did. I thought I could just delegate most responsibilities. I’m a great delegator, but it turned out the job occasionally demands I be more hands-on than I thought.

Number 4 is the only original smoothie machine left, and it’s had a bad attitude ever since we got rid of its companions. It started making really weird noises during the defrosting cycle at the end of the night. It sounded like a scream mixed with laughter. I thought for sure a bearing was going out, but it’d stop whenever maintenance showed up, and they could never find anything wrong with it. Then, It started making the noise whenever an employee spilled or broke something too. It was really unnerving. It got so bad nobody wanted to use it. Eventually it went too far and things got scary.

One night it was cackling louder than usual, so I told Bobby to take the top off and look inside, hoping that he’d see something that maintenance missed. As soon as he took the top off the cleaning cycle stopped. He saw a big chunk of ice caught in the corner and tried to pull it out. When he stuck his hand in, the thing started again and it took off the tip of his finger. We dumped out the whole tub but never found the gram of flesh it took from Bobby. But it had now tasted blood. It started to make the noise whenever he got close, and he couldn’t take it anymore. Bobby requested a transfer the morning of the incident. I was so mad that I went out there and told number 4 that I’d be damned if I was going to lose a good fruit dicer to an evil smoothie machine. I was in the middle of my rant when it blew. People may think we’re crazy, but everyone at the store knows what happened, and what’s to blame. It was number 4. I’m sorry that so many people were injured, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t going to sleep easier knowing that smoothie machine is gone.”

STORYLINE

Popular VNN Show Put on Hiatus After Drone Crashes Into Condominium

A drone filming the popular Veil News Network (VNN) show “The Beach Report” crashed into the Aloha Shores condominiums early this morning, causing serious damage to several units. While nobody was injured in the crash, this is the second incident involving drones filming the show in the past month. Officials are still investigating the incident and no charges have been filed at this time. VNN has temporarily canceled the show pending an investigation, and the FAA says it is gathering information on the case.

Along with its sister show “Veil-Curious”, an arts and leisure show that focuses on bar reviews, embarrassing tourists, and the location of a particular Italian ice vendor, The Beach Report is one of VNN’s most successful programs, especially among the 18-34-year-old demographic. It reports on temperature, wave height, wind, and “all the weather and water conditions you need to enjoy the sand and surf,” according to its programming description on the VNN website. Critics however claim that in practice, the show is nothing more than a way for viewers to ogle beachgoers. They say the show’s real-time target voting has lead to frequent unsavory viewing and recent accidents.

Officials say that The Beach Report drone began following a group of tourists heading to the beach early this morning. After being followed for a few hours, they took a Hailoha downtown in an attempt to evade the camera but were unsuccessful. The group then ran into Aloha Shores to call the police. Witnesses say that the drone tried to follow them, hitting a number of units, breaking windows, and causing exterior damage, before eventually crashing into the pool.

This is not the first time that a Beach Report drone has been involved in an accident. Earlier this month the show was in the headlines after a drone reportedly collided with a tour helicopter filled with some of the day’s most “popular” beach visitors. The National Transportation Safety Board (NTSB) has an open investigation in the case saying, “The NTSB is aware of the pilot’s report that she was forced to make an emergency landing to avoid a drone, but the NTSB has not yet been able to independently verify that information.”

Jake Tripper, Vice President of Special Programming, says that VNN is cooperating with authorities, and is putting The Beach Report on hiatus pending a thorough investigation. Despite the pushback on the show, and how it is run, Tripper says he believes the issues can be resolved with software updates, and stricter safety protocols.

“Look, we’re just giving the public what it wants. I agree that these incidents are troubling, but we’re working with authorities and doing our own internal investigation to make sure things like this don’t ever happen again. Having said that, you would not believe the number of complaints we’ve had about the show being on break. It’s clear that the people of Lahaina take their beaches very seriously, and understand how important real-time condition reports can be when planning your day. If in the course of getting a good look at the beach, we sometimes include someone lounging on the sand, or playing in the surf, I don’t think it’s a bad thing. There are all sorts of natural wonders to look at on our shores. The show’s “Sunburn Watch” segment has saved more young, taut, firm, bodies from skin damage, and sold more suntan lotion, than any other show on the network.”

Steve and Frank Lacey, of Lacey Property Management, say they pride themselves in taking care of their residents, and are shocked about the amount of damage the drone did. “I’m just glad that it didn’t hit one of our residents, it could have been disastrous. As far as I know, our condos aren’t in any danger of getting a sunburn, so there’s no need for their drones to be so close to the property. Something needs to be done to make sure nothing like this happens again. Once is an accident, twice is a problem,” says Frank. Still, Steve has a somewhat more optimistic view of the drone crash.

“I agree with my brother about the seriousness of this incident. Nonetheless, I think it will be ultimately good for business. It highlights just how hip and happening our community is. Aloha Shores is the preferred property destination for the vibrant young professional population of Lahaina. I mean the viewers of The Beach Report wanted to be part of the community so bad they crashed a drone into our pool. We’re located along some of the most beautiful beaches anywhere. Our residents are within walking distance of world class cuisine, and a fast growing nightlife scene. Our units boast the finest in eco-friendly furnishings and accouterments. Our poolside furniture is composed of pesticide free, non-GMO grasses and vines. We serve locally grown and roasted coffee, a wide variety of free-trade-heirloom teas, and organic hand-seeded melons in our communal breakfast nooks. All of our tiki mugs are handmade by local artisans, and the poolside umbrellas are made from repurposed awning materials from some of the oldest buildings on Front Street. We care about what you care about at Aloha Shores, and it shows. We have a limited number of units available, call today!”

Officials say they are still taking witness statements, and going over the scene of the accident, but Veilcorp attorney Harold Breen released a statement this morning which reads in part, “We are working openly with authorities and are grateful that nobody was hurt in this incident. Veilcorp and VNN take safety very seriously.”

STORYLINE

Massive SSHAM Theft Ends With Crash

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An extended police chase through Lahaina came to an end last night, when 28-year-old Rodger Hihio crashed a tractor trailer, spilling 24 tons of stolen artisanal SSHAM. Responding to a call about a theft at the area processing plant, police soon located Hihio traveling down Front street. According to the report, the suspect refused to stop, and a hour-long chase ensued with Hihio running roadblocks and driving down trails in the preservation zone. The chase finally came to a conclusion when he lost control and crashed into the controversial barrier wall surrounding the Lahaina neighborhood of Tanager Lane, sending thousands of cans of SSHAM First Pressing Reserve flying through the air.

Hihio had worked as a fulfillment specialist at the factory for over 10 years and has no criminal background, but co-workers say he had recently became “troubled”. According to those close to him, Rodger had become convinced that a worldwide cataclysm was looming and that SSHAM would become more valuable than gold.

Hihio’s family says the trouble started this Spring after a trip to a family reunion. “He called me as soon as he got home, I could barely understand what he was talking about,” says his brother James. “I told him to calm down and talk slowly. He told me that he had a vision when he was traveling back through the veil. I thought he was playing a prank on me at first, but he was serious. He said the world was about to end and only a few of us were going to survive. He started talking about how important having water, guns, and SSHAM was. He said we needed to start stockpiling as much as we could. We tried to get him help but he refused to see anyone.”

Rodger began to share his apocalyptic SSHAM beliefs at work as well. Coworkers say that he would talk for hours about the antiseptic properties of the beloved canned meat product, as well as its multitude of other uses. Fellow employee Craig Luahi says that Hihio become obsessed.

“All he would do in his free time is read the SSHAM Stories page and take notes. Don’t get me wrong, I love working for SSHAM, and it is an amazingly versatile product, but we all need some downtime that doesn’t involve canned meat. Rodger said that SSHAM was going to be one of the most important commodities after the fall of civilization and that people would be willing to kill over it. I’m not sure who contacted HR, but I know management had a talk with him and he stopped talking about his beliefs during work hours. I could tell he really believed what he was saying though. That’s why I knew something was up when I saw him pulling away from the loading dock. All shipments that large, especially the premium SSHAM, go in the automated trucks now. I called the supervisor and she contacted the police.”

Hihio was spotted driving the stolen truck on Front Street within minutes of the call and police tried to initiate a traffic stop, but he refused to pull over. For the next hour authorities chased Hihio up and down the Honoapiilani Highway, down preservation zone trails, across lawns and throughout the Lahaina area. Stop sticks did little to slow down the desperate man. Authorities say they called off the pursuit numerous times out of fear that the suspect would injure innocent bystanders or destroy the load with his erratic driving and reckless speeds.

Eventually Hihio lost control trying to drive across a drainage ditch and smashed into the wall surrounding Tanager Lane, spilling tons of SSHAM over a wide area. Rodger was taken into custody after a brief struggle, and crews continue this morning to clean up the area. Authorities say that the damage could have been much worse and that the wall surrounding the Lahaina neighborhood “saved numerous lives.”

A SSHAM spokesperson says the company plans on strengthening security procedures and regrets that Mr. Hihio did not avail himself of the counseling offered. They add, “While Rodger clearly was a confused young man, he definitely had very good taste. SSHAM First Pressing Reserve is the epitome of processed meat products, and available for a very brief window every year. Thankfully, a portion of the stolen load survived the accident.”

Elizabeth Stonegate, Tanager Lane HOA President and Compliance Liaison to the Mayor’s Office, says that the incident was alarming but confirms the need for the wall around the neighborhood.

“I don’t know that there could have been a more perfect example of why we need the barrier wall around Tanager Lane. I hope this finally silences my critics. I know the police have credited the barrier with saving lives, but to be perfectly honest, I’m not sure. Who could see a smoking semi being chased by a dozen police cars with lights and sirens blaring, and not know enough to get out of the way? As HOA President what I’m more interested in is all the property damage it saved, and the preservation zone violations it prevented. My mandatory hibiscus planting program has increased home values at least 1.5% since it began. I shudder to think of the damage a semi truck with a crazed driver could have done to the lawns around the neighborhood. On top of that, the whole area where he crashed stinks. I’m sure we’ll have to deal with a few more seabirds flying over the area for the next few days. However, that’s nothing compared to the hordes of animals that are going to be attracted to that shrimpy stench. Without a wall to keep them out, our 100% preservation zone compliance rating might have been in danger. Thankfully, none of the landscaping was damaged by this lunatic and his truckload of fancy canned meat. This could have turned into a major issue!”

STORYLINE

I Can’t Go Back, Please Let Me Stay!

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To VeilCorp:

The last time Judy and I saw our daughter was two years ago. She was being wheeled away for yet another surgery. I’m not sure anything can make you feel more helpless as a parent than seeing your child sick. Her prognosis was not good and this procedure was for her short-term comfort, not a cure. She had gone through all of this too many times to count. It wasn’t her first time in the operating room, but it would be her last. Madison had been sick since birth but we still weren’t prepared when they asked to talk to us in a private room. I’m not sure you can ever be ready for something like the loss of a child.

Almost as bad as Madison’s passing, was the toll it took on my marriage. I knew it wasn’t my fault, but at the same time I couldn’t help but think I could have done more or gone to one more specialist. Judy blamed me too. Not with her words, but with the way she acted around me and the look in her eyes. I missed her smile and waking up with her head pressed against my chest in the morning. I missed her laugh. I missed our family. Our friends suggested we take a trip to kick-start our marriage and get Judy out of her funk. I booked a vacation with Veilcorp and hoped that some time in a beautiful place would help us heal our wounds. I wasn’t very hopeful, but I was wrong.

The first thing I saw when I came out of the gateway was Madison smiling at me, holding her mother’s hand. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. I honestly thought we had died until I heard the local weather announcement. I froze when she ran up and gave me a hug. It took me a few seconds to loosen my grip when she complained that I was squeezing her too tight. I could feel the tears drip off my chin into her hair. Letting her out of my arms was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. Judy cocked her head and asked if I was alright. I saw concern in her eyes instead of the usual despair, so I played along. It was like the horror of the past two years had never happened.

We spent the day talking and laughing like we used to. Madison giggled while talking about other trips we’d taken. I smiled right along even though I didn’t remember some of them. We walked around town for hours. We shopped and ate and even spent some time in a few tourist traps. Madison looked so strong and happy. I tried to not cry, or stare at her too long, but I couldn’t help it. I was afraid that if I said something I’d wake up from this dream and go back to the nightmare we had been living. “She’s just growing up so fast,” I said to Judy through the tears. She wrapped her arms around me and called me a wimp. It was wonderful.

After dinner we walked along the beach. I held Judy’s hand as we watched Madison run away from the waves as they rolled up the sand. She collected shells and I tried hard to burn each second into my brain in case all this went away in the morning. We all sang her favorite songs that night before bed, just like we used to. After she fell asleep, Judy caught me staring at her again and asked if I was alright. I told her that I wasn’t just alright, I was the happiest man on Earth. She teased me about being a softy, took my hand and pulled me to bed.

There was something on my face when I woke up and I panicked for a second before I figured out it was Judy’s hair. She stretched and began to groggily protest about being woken-up so abruptly when Madison jumped on our bed. “I thought you guys would never wake up! What are we doing today?” she asked. I knew then that I had been given the greatest gift possible. I had been given my family again.

I’m not sure what happened. I don’t care what it was. Some part of me is still scared that I’ve gone crazy. If I am, I don’t want to get better. You’ve given me my old life back and I can’t lose both of them again. I’ll do anything. I can’t go back to the world I’d been living in! Please let me stay here, wherever it is.

Dave Harris
Veil Code: 270401DHarris

STORYLINE

Help Me and don’t Veil!

I’m sorry for this. I don’t know why my emplant works here. This isn’t my world. My world isn’t like this. My name is Michael Hickman and I work for VeilCorp, who owns this site and the veil network. I’m not anyone important like Dr. Oeming, but I seem to be able to post on this system. If you are reading this and you know me, or the me here in this fracture, email me.

I’m desperate to get home to my parents and my girlfriend. The ones here aren’t right. My parents said they don’t know me and they have no children. My girlfriend is married to another person even though she has the same cat. It’s like I’ve gone crazy or gotten hit in the head or something.

The veils are broken. Don’t use them, people who have gone in are coming out wrong. People are dying and it’s not clear if they can come back. The ORB system uses the veils for reboot, you know, and the veils aren’t right. People are being rebooted to the wrong world, like me. I went in the veil to go hike Nakalele Point and I was rebooted here. I didn’t have my stuff, I was issued standard reboot clothes.

There’s someone at the door, I gotta go. The veils are broken. People are coming out wrong. Mom, Dad, Teri, I love you.

STORYLINE

Lahaina Advertiser Corrections & Clarifications

The Lahaina Advertiser is committed to bringing you news and content that informs, engages, and entertains. We pride ourselves with holding the highest editorial and journalistic standards, delivering to our readers accurate, impartial, and timely stories. However, mistakes are sometimes made. When errors are brought to our attention, we seek to publish corrections and clarifications promptly and transparently. This page brings together in one place all of the corrections and clarifications made to The Lahaina Advertiser across print and digital platforms, whether as a result of complaints or further developments in a story.

April 24, 2050

  • This Mutant Crayfish Clones Itself, and It’s Taking Over Maui


An earlier version of this story misspelled the scientific name for the Red Swamp Crayfish. It is Procambarus clarkii, not Procambarus clak. Also, we have been informed that the crayfish in question does not have the ability to clone itself, and was introduced in 1923, contrary to our assertion that its presence is a mystery. Hula Noodle owner Ralph Umeke did want us to stress that the clarkii are “nasty” and nearly inedible, even with copious handfuls of garlic.

  • Randy Wilcox, Trailblazing Reality TV and Streaming Star, Dies at 46


Although seriously injured, Randy Wilcox is very much alive and recovering in the Lahaina Medical Center. Some of our readers also took issue with calling Mr. Wilcox a “star” or even “Mr.”, the latter of which is a requirement of our manual on style.

April 25, 2050

  • Veilcorp Studies Security Policies and Sees “Little Risk” to Bottom Line


An earlier version of this story misstated the portion of Veilcorp’s business that the company estimates would be affected by stricter global security policies. A spokesperson for Veilcorp says the company’s internal security protocols already exceed the measures proposed, and would not affect operations at all.

April 26, 2050

  • Hailoha Defends New Sea Service


We had mistakenly reported that Mayor Albert Cravalho had no comment on the matter. However, he had actually called for a closer look into the business, and threatened to shut down the water-based ride share service.

  • Six Films to Stream if You Loved “Veil of Terror: A Bride’s Nightmare”


Many of you suggested that Veil of Terror stands alone as one of the worst movies ever made. Readers suggested that the jerky camera work, ham-handed storyline, and actors taking on more than one role, made the film unlike any other, and trying to attach some similarity to six other films was not fair. On further review, we agreed and removed the story altogether. One of the complaints was in Esperanto, and went unresponded to.

  • What Cameras On Monk Seals Show Us: It’s Tough Out There


An earlier version of this article misstated the amount of weight lost by some seals in the study. The seals that stay around Maui during the summer lost as much as 10 percent of their body mass, not 80 percent.

  • A reader tells us that after 31 years of entering the jumble rumble competition, she finally won, only for us to spell her name incorrectly. Congratulations go to Helen Kapua and not Harold Kaper. Apologies Helen.

April 28, 2050

  • PZ Compliance Officer Elizabeth Stonegate Forced Into Apology For Maligning Civil Service


This article was amended after Mrs. Stonegate pointed out that she had in fact not apologized yet, and had no plan to. In addition, an earlier version misnamed the Center for Hawaiian Political Reform as the Center for Hawaiian Political Research.

  • What do Students Really Expect To Learn at the University of Maui Lahaina College?


This article was pulled after it was discovered that Kimberly Hekili, the only individual interviewed, was not a current student but rather had attended the unversity in 2046.

April 29, 2050

  • Hundreds of County Parks Ordered Closed Across Lahaina


We mistakenly said that more than 500 parks have closed in Lahaina since 2034 due to budget cuts. Greg Iona from the DLNR pointed out that there aren’t that many parks on the whole island, and that it was actually trails that were closed. In addition, the number of closed trails since 2034 was 5, not 500.

  • Over 1,100 years later, scientists discover what probably killed the Mayans


This article was amended to correct the spelling of Vindox Ashlidele’s name from Vindix Vagene. It was further amended for historical accuracy. While there is evidence that the Mayans had tobacco and probably smoked it, commercial cigarettes as we know them didn’t exist until the 1800’s. In addition, it is unlikely that there existed a Mesoamerican marketing campaign targeting young Mayans.

April 30, 2050

  • Unpaid internships in Lahaina now cost more than $3,500 a month


This article was amended to clarify that the cost of living in Lahaina was actually 3.5 times higher than the national average and not 2 times higher. In addition an estimated 1,000 graduates will have unpaid internships in a Lahaina business this year, not 10,000.

  • Dr. Adler Walters on the Cutting-Edge Technology of Trees


This article was removed after we were made aware that some of the information Dr. Adler provided is classified, and was supposed to be off the record. We apologize to the doctor, Vereserum, and the United States Government. We ask that readers who happened to see the article, immediately forget any and all details they might have remembered.

  • Abramo Chophouse Provides 20 tons of Burger To Expand “Meat and Greet” Program


We mistakenly identified the 20 tons of meat provided to the Meat and Greet program as “Burger”. Mr. Abramo points out that in fact, 20 tons of “Bob’s Perfect Burger Blend” was provided. He asserts that referring to the blend simply as burger is akin to calling a piece of wagyu beef, jerky. We have made the requested correction in the article.

We regret these and all future errors.

STORYLINE

Oldest Tree In Hawaii Goes Through a Mysterious Growth Spurt

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Since its discovery almost 40 years ago, Okilani an ancient Ohi’a tree on Maui, has fascinated scientists. The massive plant has been estimated to be over 4,000-years-old, making it the oldest known living thing in Hawaii, and one of the oldest living nonclonal trees in the world. But it’s not the tree’s age that has scientists and researchers stumped, it’s Okilani’s recent growth spurt that has them scratching their heads. Over the past 4 years, the venerable tree has grown about 25% bigger.

The Ohi’a tree holds a special place in Hawaiian mythology. According to the stories, Ohi’a and his beautiful lover Lehua grabbed the attention of the volcano goddess Pele. She fell in love with the brave and handsome Ohi’a and approached him, but he rebuffed her advances. Enraged, Pele turned Ohi’a into a tree as punishment. The fair Lehua was devastated that she could no longer be with her true love and began to wail. The other gods heard her cries and took pity on her. They transformed her into a beautiful red flower and placed her upon the tree so the two could be together forever.

Ohi’a trees can grow in a number of difficult locations that other plants can’t. They grow readily on lava and are usually the first plants to spring up after new flows. As such, they are one of the most common trees to find in the forests of Hawaii, but Okilani stood out according to Department of Land and Natural Resources (DLNR) agent Greg Iona.

“In 2010 a fast-moving fungal infection, Ceratocystis fimbriata, was found in Ohi’a trees around Puna. The infection soon spread North across the Big Island and eventually made it’s way to Maui. There was a very real concern that it might wipe out all the Ohi’a trees if it continued to spread. During a survey of the population in Maui, researchers spotted Okilani in the middle of a group of infected trees. It seemed to be fungus-free so they took some samples and that’s when they figured out how just how special it was. Okilani was here at least 1,000 years before the first people were, it has seen the colonization of Hawaii. It was a seedling when people were first figuring out writing. It’s an amazing thing, by far the biggest and oldest Ohi’a tree ever discovered, so there’s lots to learn yet. One of the biggest questions we have is, why did it started growing again 4 years ago?”

A handful of environmentalists say that Okilani’s recent growth is a result of Veilcorp’s Icarus project, increasing worldwide exposure to 127 (Unbiseptium). They say that the element is potentially dangerous and call on government agencies to better regulate its production until long-term studies can be completed. While there have been a number of reports about unusual animal activity in recent years, and even a small group of sea otters that now call Maui home, researchers say that there is no proof that elevated 127 levels are to blame. Vereserum botanist Adler Walters says that there is much yet to learn about the ancient tree and that speculation in useless.

“This amazing organism has so much to teach us that I don’t know why people are wasting their time on wild speculation. Unlike Yew trees or the Glass Sponge, the Ohi’a tree is not a species known for its extraordinary longevity, yet Okilani is one of the oldest living things on the planet. It was found to have a natural resistance to the fungal infection that nearly wiped out the rest of its kind and that’s just the beginning. I believe that it may help us learn more about combating diseases and the effects of climate change. Its sudden and rapid growth during this late stage in life may be perfectly natural. This is such an unusual specimen that we just can’t say what is “normal”. The only thing that is certain, is that Okilani is a fascinating organism that needs a much more thorough examination.”

Not everyone thinks that more study is necessary however. Preservation Zone Compliance Liaison Elizabeth Stonegate doesn’t see what the big deal is and is trying to limit the amount of people allowed to visit the protected area where Okilani grows. “I understand that the tree is very old but so what? It’s not like it can pass on any wisdom or tell you where the best place to have dinner is. I’m not even sure how they know that it’s getting taller. I read that the tree is supposed to be over 150 feet tall now and I thought, ‘How do they know?’ Do they make someone climb up to the top and measure it? I just had my countertops replaced and the contractors couldn’t even correctly measure 8 feet with a laser, I can’t imagine how off they’d be trying to measure something outside. It all seems like a whole lot of fuss about nothing. All I know is that my phone has been ringing off the hook lately. Most of my time is being spent going over scientific study applications instead of measuring the lengths of driveways around the zone, and ensuring that hikers aren’t walking down trails with prohibited toothpastes in their packs. I have important work to do that matters. I would encourage scientists to got to one of the many other places in the world where tall trees grow for their research and stop bothering my office with permit requests.”

STORYLINE

Reports of broken ads might be something more troubling

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Hi Lisa,
Thank’s for reaching out to me. I’m willing to help in any way that I can. Like many here, I had a tough time after the Luau attack. It seemed like there could be another bombing at any time, and all the investigators asking questions kept everyone nervous. I was on edge most days, just waiting for the other shoe to drop. You’ve done a remarkable job at piloting us through all the fear and chaos. We weren’t sure that the company would come out the other end of this intact. Not only have we made it through those troubled waters, we’ve never been stronger as an organization. I respect you and the work you’ve done, that’s why I agreed to report to you directly if Dr. Oeming did anything unusual.

To be honest, I was very uncomfortable with your request at first. This was Eric Oeming: the inventor of veil travel, one of the world’s richest men, CEO of the world’s largest company, brilliant scientist, survivor of a bombing attack. Reporting on his actions while working under a roof that he had built seemed wrong to me. With all the rumors swirling around after his return and the media lockdown, I worried that you might be dragging me into something above my paygrade. Everything seemed fine for a while, but then I found Dr. Oeming in my office one morning with a request.

He wanted to have all the data for 2 specific nights of transports. I told him that it would be no problem and I would make sure he had it by the afternoon. Then he said that he also wanted anything we had from customer’s ceremplants for those same nights. I started to explain that we’d need a court order to review that data, but before I could finish he became very agitated. He complained that he didn’t have time for paperwork, and that there was a time that “employees just did what they were told.” He must have seen the shock in my eyes because he calmed himself and said that any help I could provide would be appreciated.

I never worked with Dr. Oeming before but I had heard people say he was a different man after the attack. They said he hardly talked anymore and insisted on working alone. I didn’t think much of it to tell you the truth. I can’t imagine what losing my family would do to me. I don’t see how escaping a bomb attack couldn’t change who you are. He looked so earnest in my office, like some part of him really needed this information. So, I thought I’d look into it personally. I’m turning everything I found over to you because I don’t really understand what’s going on, but I think Dr. Oeming is involved somehow.

We get complaints about our veil ads all the time. Most are about some sort of technical issue: blurred images in the stream, ringing in the ears during the ads, that sort of thing. We take detailed reports from everyone who has an issue, but we get so many that they often get lost in the shuffle. I started looking at the two nights in question and didn’t see anything unusual at first. There was a slight uptick in complaints about ads but nothing that seemed notable until I started to read the customer narratives. This is going to sound strange, but a significant number of customers those nights report seeing things that aren’t ads in our inventory.

A number of travelers on the night of September 27th reported seeing an ad for an unknown war movie. A few complained that they didn’t recognize any of the actors and that they never saw a title. However, most of the complaints that night were about the graphic nature of the ad. In particular, a mother claimed that her children were traumatized by witnessing a soldier being hacked apart. I had assumed that another bad ad had slipped past our quality control team. Upon closer review, I discovered we didn’t have any movie ads in the rotation, let alone anything that graphic.

Then on the night of September 29th, there was a similar uptick in ad complaints. This time the issue wasn’t graphic violence but rather another question about messaging. The reports say that customers saw fields of plants as far as the eye could see. It was the description of the plants that caught my eye. Dozens say that they saw fields of short plants with reddish pods that looked like chicken wings. That reminded me of something. Do you remember last year when we lost that flat of Kükenroot seedlings? These reports seem to describe a field of Kükenroot. Then I noticed the dates.

Wasn’t Dr. Oeming’s daughter born on the 27th and his wife on the 29th? After some digging I found that we experienced numerous little power surges throughout those nights too. Nothing large enough to raise an alarm but big enough to show up in the daily reports. I went through employee records and discovered that according to his badge, Dr. Oeming never left the lab to go home those nights. I’m not really sure what all this means but thought it definitely met your criteria for “anything unusual”. I hope you don’t think I’ve been reading too many tabloids or running down a hole of conspiracy theories. There’ no doubt something odd is going on, and I’m hoping you can clear it up, whatever it is. Please let me know if there is anything else I can do.

STORYLINE

Sea Otter Pod Discovered In Oneloa Bay

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For months tourists and a handful of clam fishermen have reported sightings of mysterious animals around Oneloa Bay. Eyewitnesses described dog sized animals usually around dusk or dawn, playing in the surf and diving along reefs. These reports were officially chalked up to seal misidentification or overindulgence until a few days ago when the Department of Land and Natural Resources (DLNR) became involved. After a short investigation the mystery animals were identified, but their identity raises even more questions and has experts worried. It turns out that Maui now has its own pod of sea otters.

Rumors had been running rampant among believers on the island about what the animals may have been. Some said it was some sort of aquatic dog made in a Vereserum lab. Others worried that it was a pack of gigantic mongooses. There have been a number of concerns recently about the effect that Veilcorp’s Icarus project is having on weather patterns and living things near the Lahaina facility. The fact that there are sea otters living offshore seems almost as strange.

Normally found in the cool waters of the Northern Pacific, the wayward otters have experts scratching their heads. Greg Iona Senior Investigator for the DLNR says, “While people associate sea otters with colder waters, historically their range extended along the Baja Peninsula. The real question is how did they get so far out of their normal range?”

Iona says that it is possible that this small group of 7 otters simply followed, or got caught in, a changing current that led them all the way to the island. “It may sound strange but animals have been known to travel from island to island on floating debris all the time. Often these trips can cover very long distances. That’s our best guess as to what happened here. We have no evidence that someone brought the otters in and released them in the wild.”

However they arrived, the otters have many worried. For years Hawaii was the only coastal state without a bivalve fishery, but with the help of the University of Hawaii and The Center for Tropical and Subtropical Aquaculture (USDA-CTA), a burgeoning clam fishery has begun. Almost a million pounds of native clams were harvested last year thanks to aquafarming campaigns. Fishermen worry that the otters may devastate the clam stocks. They have their own ideas about who’s to blame for the otter incursion.

The fishermen say that Veilcorp’s massive urchin campaign is the problem and say that the reintroduction project should be put on hold before more otters show up. Alanai Kalipalani, a marine biologist and urchin researcher disagrees. She says that the urchins may keep the otters in the waters around Maui but it is highly unlikely that they brought them to the island. “We’re just too far away from their natural range for the urchins to be the element that brought them here. I agree with the DLNR’s assessment that they’re here because of a change in currents and food migration patterns. It’s happening more and more often actually. Back in 1985 a humpback whale they nicknamed Humphrey was spotted in San Francisco Bay. It was big news back then because it was one the first times we had proof that climate change was having an impact on the normal range of marine mammals. Now humpbacks are routinely spotted in New York’s East river and other river systems around the world chasing baitfish. This is the first time I’ve heard of wayward otters, but I think the same thing is happening here.”

Kalipalani says that the clam fishermen have a valid concern about the otters. “A sea otter eats about 30% of its weight in shellfish a day, and a big male can reach almost 100 pounds. That’s a lot of clams. However, they also really love eating urchins and we have plenty of those to go around. These animals couldn’t put a dent in Veilcorp’s restoration project. I don’t think people fully appreciate how many urchins the company puts in the water every month.”

For now the DLNR plans on letting the pod stay where they are and studying their behavior. They remind the public that even though they are far from home, the otters are still protected by the Endangered Species Act. Any harassment, capture, or killing of the otters is punishable by fines up to $50,000 and/or one year imprisonment. Iona says, “We encourage people to leave them alone. They appear to be content feasting on urchins and aren’t dangerous to people, pets, or sea birds. As long as you’re not a shellfish the otters aren’t interested. Besides the concerns about clam predation, the only issue I see going forward is what will happen when the geese hatch this winter. The NeNe can be very protective of their goslings and haven’t seen otters before, but the otters may have moved on by then. This pod seems to like to travel.”