STORYLINE

Kokua Wellness Center Strike Continues In Row Over Newuskin Expansion

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For the past 7 years, The Kokua Wellness Center and Spa has been known as one of the world’s premier destinations for mindful relaxation and facilitated personal growth. Despite its reputation as a peaceful sanctuary for many of Lahaina’s elite, the center has been in turmoil recently. Many of the spa’s most popular instructors walked out in protest last Wednesday and say they have no plans on returning until their concerns are addressed.

Kokua is one of less than 50 facilities worldwide authorized to provide the wildly popular rejuvenating Newuskin treatments. The beauty treatments became an important part of the center’s business and integrated well with the spa’s other programs and offerings. Employees say that balance was upset at the beginning of this year when Vereserum, Newuskin’s parent company, sold the business to longtime rival Reparre Biologic.

According to the disgruntled instructors, Newuskin threatened to pull its machines from the facility unless Kokua devoted more space and promotional money to the Newuskin line of treatments. They say that many popular programs were curtailed or discontinued altogether, with the time and space filled by Newuskin products. For many, replacing the long-time manager Ascended Pali-ites Master Autumn with Notsuko, the Newuskin objective transformation intelligence network, was the last straw.

Autumn says,

“The Kokua that I loved and helped grow is not reflected in the contents or conscience of the people inside that building. Together, we manifested the world’s greatest holistic healing center. A place where you could learn about spiritual nutrition, alternative wellness, and have your chakras aligned through deliberate stretching techniques. However, we’ve become a glorified chop-shop where you can come in and get your outside stripped down and replaced, with little thought to cultivating any form of inner beauty or strength. I was alarmed when our Barraloha classes were cancelled but I was horrified when I was introduced to their AI program, Notsuko. I was informed that it would be taking over spa operations and that effectively immediately, we were going to end our astrological based billing and institute a predetermined pricing structure. When I asked Notsuko if it seriously thought that spiritually cleansing someone born under a fire sign was as easy as cleansing someone with a water sign, it said, “Yes”. I knew then that the inmates were running the asylum. If they think we are going to give up without a fight however, they are sadly mistaken. I think all of us are committed to fighting and focusing our energies on a better Kokua.”

Kokua management had no comment on the strike but people familiar with the issue say that they are considering all options. While not directly involved in the dispute at the wellness center, Reparre’s President Shawn Hastings has offered the use of Notsuko to all facilities providing Newuskin treatments. “While completely safe and reliable, the Newuskin process is incredibly complex, and in our opinion, best managed by our Notsuko technology. Look, the age of AI is here. In the past decade, we’ve seen many corporations use AI to streamline their business. All of Phxicom’s networks are overseen by Phxie, SSHAM’s customer service operations are handled by Shawn, and Veilcorp’s Valarie keeps operations running smoothly. Frankly, we are a little late to the party with the introduction of Notsuko. I understand that some may see it as a threat, but I assure you that our intentions are good. We only want to help support businesses offering Newuskin treatments, not push anybody out.”

According to Chef Craig Hoomaau nothing could be further from the truth.

“Despite what those wielding false power have said, I can vouch for the veracity of Autumn’s story. I’ve been teaching mindful chewing and purposeful swallowing strategies for over 15 years now. I developed one of the best transpersonal plating curriculums in the world and taught thousands to enjoy their meals beyond the limits of their five senses, but all of that didn’t matter to Kokua management and Notsuko. I was informed that my program was responsible for less than 3% of total revenue and was in danger of being cancelled. On top of that, they removed our kitchenette and spacious reflection area with vending machines and a small break area to make room for more Newuskin beds. Our kombucha dispenser is gone and I can no longer feed my fellow life guides nutritious organic, gluten-free, vegan delights. Instead, to save money, we have a machine filled with Manimal, chips, SSham bites, and other processed horrors. I don’t know when people decided that running a business was all about money, but we’re taking a stand at Kokua. We’ll show them that there’s more to living than the veil of modern life. We won’t be bullied into their malignant thinking and we will withhold our vital services until they start respecting the Aloha spirit and soul again.”

STORYLINE

Controversy Grows Over Newuskin and Ceremplant Acquisition With Release of Troubling Video

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It was the biggest acquisition in history and sure to turn the healthcare and medical industry on its ear. At the beginning of the year, Reparre Biologic confirmed the rumors that had been circling the markets for months. They had reached a deal with Vereserum for the purchase of their widely successful Newuskin business and the perennially floundering Ceremplant. Almost immediately, Reparre was criticized over the purchase price, and allegations of misdealings began to leak out to the media. Now, almost three months later, the accusations have reached a fever pitch over a video that purports to confirm stories of animal mistreatment at a Reparre research facility.

The deal was the largest ever, worth a whopping $295 billion. The news was huge but was soon overshadowed with questions about how Reparre was able to secure the capital for the deal, the viability of their business plans, and allegations of government collusion. However, the deal was not without its backers.

Many pointed out that the Ceremplant was originally created to treat those with visual impairments, a field that is currently dominated by Reparre. In addition, the company’s successful telemedicine program relied heavily on data received through Ceremplant technology. Reparre had also recently partnered with Nuuskin to offer Tailored Cellular Optimization (TCO) treatments for animals, changing the future of large-scale farming. To some, the acquisition allowed the company to better control the largest growth areas it had ever seen.

President of Reparre Biologic Shawn Hastings said, “We are excited about continuing the work we’ve already begun as partners, and look forward to exploring the future with our new family members. We plan on more tightly integrating Ceremplant and Newuskin technology, as well as bringing our TCO research into more mainstream medical fields. We’d like to incorporate more complex services and explore the deeper medical possibilities created when you combine Newuskin technology with our tailored DNA and stem cell medicine. I think we’re just stepping through the doorway into a whole new realm of advanced medical procedures.”

Less than a month later, Hastings promises seemed to be coming true when the company announced the introduction of NU-U booths to facilities offering Newuskin treatments. Any positive momentum was cut short this morning however when a troubling video was released by Gaia Guard that purports to show the horrific treatment of animals at a Reparre research facility.

There had always been rumors of ghastly experiments mirroring the infamous baboon whiplash study conducted at the Head Injury Clinic in Philadelphia in the early 1980s, surrounding Reparre’s TCO research lab. Stories about dogs being progressively more injured and then healed using the company’s technology were never confirmed but were widely circulated. These experiments reportedly became more gruesome after the Newuskin and Ceremplant acquisition. While the video doesn’t show any of the more outlandish stories, like animals being severely burned or dismembered before being treated, it is troubling enough on its own.

In the 6 minute long video, dozen of dogs can be seen receiving implants and enduring a wide range of surgical injuries. From simple contusions to gaping lacerations and even the severing of the spinal cord, the animals are injured and then healed. Many of the animals in the footage are heavily scarred suggesting that they have endured multiple procedures. The video ends with what appears to be a dog being chemically euthanized before being brought back to life.

Reparre denies that the footage is from their facility and says you only have to look at the credibility of the source to determine the truth. They say that their facilities are closely regulated and monitored by numerous government agencies and find the treatment of the animals in the video “repugnant”. They have also expressed outrage over the media outlets who have shown the video, calling it a piece of propaganda produced by a terrorist organization.

The Office for Protection from Research Risks (OPRR) says that there is no evidence that the video is from a Reparre facility and agrees that the source cast doubts on its authenticity. They are however launching an investigation with their own personnel and veterinarians from the American College of Laboratory Animal Medicine. Reparre says they are cooperating fully with the agency and promise to be “completely transparent” during the investigation.

STORYLINE

We Need To Find Our Lost Kükenroot Seedlings

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This is my 4th communication with you about this issue and frankly, we are sick of getting the runaround. Again, I’m writing on behalf of Dr. Adler Walters about shipment VAW-235-3946. We had sent 4 sheets of seedlings for contribution into your Progress Repository and you say that you only received 3. At this point, we are not interested in assigning blame or making a claim for damages. We simply want to find the Kükenroot (KR) seedlings and make sure that their spicy buffalo goodness is secured for future generations by inclusion in the repository. These plants are very hardy and can be incredibly invasive. It is in everyone’s best interest that they are found quickly.

You’ve no doubt heard about Dr. Walters and his accomplishments. Despite the recent unpleasantness, we believe that his work has the potential to end worldwide hunger. The fact that the KR was accepted into your program should tell you everything you need to know about its importance.

The Doctor’s work at Vereserum is well known and our gardens here in Lahaina have been the subject of numerous documentaries and news reports. His ability to combine animal DNA with plants to produce viable crops is groundbreaking. The Kükenroot is the world’s first complete food source. The starchy bulb contains a daily allowance of vitamins and minerals and is a reasonable potato alternative. The meaty wing-like pods contain high levels of protein and B vitamins. Best of all the plants can be grown anywhere, and are 127 (Unbiseptium) sequestering. In fact, the root systems have been shown to actually pull the element out of the soil and store it in nodules. In nutrient-poor areas, the plants could get several months of food by slipping one of our booster pellets into the KR’s supplement canal. Hungry people could grow these plants in gravel if they had a bag of booster pellets. It was certain that we were on the verge of a farming revolution, then the trouble began.

I won’t say the Kükenroot was perfect. Some people had a problem with the color and consistency of the pods. I will admit that the “meat” produced in early strains could be a bit soft and stringy. However, we made some adjustments and not only improved the general appearance to make it more wing-like, but also improved the texture. While early focus groups expressed a certain “yuck-factor” with eating greenish meat, even if it tasted like buffalo chicken, we believed that familiarity with the product would solve the problem. In fact, we proved that 8 in 10 people in a blind taste test could not tell the difference between a KR “wing” and a traditional buffalo wing. The flavor was never an issue. There was also the complication of aphids clogging the supplement canals, but again, that was an easy fix. It was the media hit job that shelved our project.

“Questionable Science: Vereserum’s Feeling Fruit” was such an ill-informed and nasty bit of writing that we thought it would never catch on, but we were wrong. They completely overstated the extent to which our hybrids could respond to stimuli, and their capability to feel pain. They lied about the noises produced by the supplement canals due to digestive processes. I can assure you that the KR’s do not “hum” in happiness when fed or “cry” when the pods are picked. It seemed like we couldn’t get a media win until we were contacted about donating some samples to your Progress Repository.

Being recognized by a company as big as Veilcorp began to turn the tide for us. Having the Kükenroot identified as an important step in farming technology was a big shot in the arm. To think that Dr. Walters’ work would be part of the collection at your arctic facility was amazing. Alongside vitamin-producing rice, and seedless fruit, the Kükenroot would take its place among some of the most important modified plants in history. If anything cataclysmic happened to the Earth, survivors could not just grow plants, but plants that had already gone through years of scientific study and innovation. That’s why it’s so important that we find this missing tray.

The last thing we need is for news to get out that our much-maligned plants were lost in the veil. As I mentioned before, the KR can spread rather quickly and we have some concerns about someone planting them in their garden and having them take over a whole neighborhood. We need to get ahead of this problem!

I’ve heard numerous excuses at this point: An unusually strong storm might have affected the transport, that increased 127 production has made the system “glitchy”, and that we simply counted wrong. It would be ludicrous to say that we’ve never made a clerical error before, but I assure you, we can keep track of 4 items. The problem is that you don’t seem to have that same capability. I’m sure you don’t want stories circulating in the public that weather and an abundance of fuel might make veil travel less than reliable. All we want is for you to find our plants so we can give the media a different tale to tell, and have a happy ending to this story.

Brian Talsma
Assistant to Dr. Walters
Vereserum Labs, Lahaina

STORYLINE

Trial of Cult Leader Involved In Newuskin Robberies begins in Maui

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All eyes were turned toward the Second Circuit Court in Maui today as the trial of alleged cult leader Sebastian Malu began. Malu and members of his group, the Eternal Cycle, are accused of breaking into a Newuskin facility in Lahaina and stealing a large quantity of biological materials. The group claims that they were simply trying to perform proper services over what they consider are human remains.

The Eternal Cycle was founded in early 2047 in response to the cutting-edge beautifying treatment, Newuskin. Parent company Vereserum calls the technology the best tool available to combat the aging process. Sebastian and the group claim that the process is something much more ghoulish.

According to prosecutors, Malu and an unnamed group of his followers broke into the Kokua Wellness Center and Spa in Lahaina, and destroyed equipment including a number of Newuskin devices. In addition, they contend that members of the Eternal Cycle stole a large quantity of biological material set for disposal and refuse to disclose the location or disposition of said materials. Sebastian says that the so-called “biological material” is actually human remains.

Representing himself, Malu’s opening statement said in part,

“What Vereserum is offering goes well beyond a simple beauty treatment. They are trying to pass off a Newuskin procedure as nothing more than a glorified facial peel or teeth whitening. What they are doing is much more insidious. They refuse to discuss that this process involves full organ and sometimes body replacement. I will present company sales materials proving that they demand their partners not discuss this ugly fact with the public. In essence, a Newuskin procedure results in the death of a person created from the innate energy that runs through all things in the universe, and the construction of a new false body for vanity. Vereserum wants to mask this fact through legalese and technicalities. They know what they are doing goes against nature and common decency. They are trying to hide it from the public by demanding that the discarded bodies resulting from their unnatural procedure be immediately cremated. We are not using these bodies in perverse or disrespectful ways, or profiting from their sale as some at Kokua have been for the past year. We are simply trying to give the vital spirit and energies trapped inside these abandoned vessels a proper release back into the eternal cycle.”

Malu is referring to a scandal at the Kokua Wellness Center earlier this year where a federal sting operation discovered an individual who was selling leftover Newuskin materials to a wide variety of individuals, including biotech companies and collectors of the macabre. Details of the investigation remain sealed, presumably because of some connection to the Eternal Cycle case. Opponents of the Newuskin procedures say that this is an untalked about, but common practice for facilities that offer the treatments. Vereserum disagrees, and vehemently denies those accusations, taking issue with Malu’s characterization of the Nuuskin procedure.

Company spokesman and CTO Ryan Mandal says that while there have been some unfortunate circumstances surrounding this one facility, on the whole, Newuskin technology is safe and ethical, and the facilities that offer the procedures are secure and professional. He says,

“This technology has a 2 year proven track record and with many years of previous government scrutiny. We take pride in offering a conscientious and safe procedure to every customer who chooses to go through the Newuskin process. The individual who was selling jarred feet at the Lahaina facility was not representative of the high standards our partners and we strive to maintain. They have been dealt with according to the rules of law. For Sebastian to suggest that we are somehow stockpiling bodies like cordwood is as ridiculous as his defense in this case. While it is true that our procedure does involve the reconstruction or replacement of some biological tissues in our customers, the leftover materials are not people anymore than a pulled tooth or removed tumor is. By any reasonable measure both legally and morally, the Eternal Cycle are wrong and we are confident that the criminal justice system will help them see the error of their ways.”

Most legal experts agree with Mandal but say that Malu is probably not interested in winning the case legally, but instead exposing some of the lesser-known facts about the beauty procedure. In that case, he might have already won. The Newuskin facility in Lahaina has been temporarily closed and there have been calls for further investigations into Vereserum and the procedure at the capital. The case is expected to finish in a few weeks but the questions about Newuskin raised are likely to last much longer.

STORYLINE

Reparre Biologic and Newuskin Announce Partnership

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Reparre Biologic and Newuskin turned the biotech industry on its ear today by announcing a new partnership. Long-time rivals, the Vereserum subsidiary and the medical tech company announced a number of new initiatives and unveiled the fruits of a secret 5-year project; a panther chameleon named Merlin. Known for their vibrant patterns and rapid color-changing ability, panther chameleons are the true masters of camouflage among reptiles. The companies demonstrated the lizard’s increased color pallet and almost instantaneous changing ability, but it was Merlin’s age that was the big story of the day. Panther chameleons have an extremely short lifespan, living only a year on average. Merlin is over 6-years-old.

They are calling the process “Tailored Cellular Optimization” (TCO) and they say it will revolutionizing everything about caring for your pet and the farming industry. Animal husbandry and breeding programs are a big business. Cattle farming alone generated over $100 billion last year in the U.S. and that number is supposed to rise 3.5% this year. Reparre’s President Shawn Hastings says that the process will quickly change the industry in a profound way.

“Selective breeding is as much an art as a science. For thousands of years we’ve been judging stock by eye. Only recently have we been able to actually look at genes of champion lines but that technology is still a blunt instrument. One of the biggest problems was preserving characteristics through lines and limiting genetic drift. TCO takes away that problem. Not only can we quickly maximize the already good genetics of a champion bull for example, but we can greatly extend that bull’s life. Extending the lifespan of champion stock would be a big boon to the industry and help reduce the environmental impact of animal agriculture. It’s not just farming either. Most race horses retire before they are 10. Imagine how valuable a champion would be after racing 40-50 years.”

Details of the TCO process were scant and the companies are remaining tight-lipped about the specifics. Newuskin spokeswoman Yvonne Masters says that you don’t have to be a farmer to make use of the new technology. She announced that a pilot pet program was being launched at the Kokua Pet Rejuvenation Center and Spaw.

“TCO is the ultimate way to pamper you pet. You can still get the pet services you’ve come to expect from the center including: shed resistant hair, iridescent and bioluminescent fur upgrades, and pest repellent skin.Those procedures have just been optimized with the addition of Reparre’s tailored DNA technology. Instead of using a generic breed model as a baseline, we can use specific cells from your furry friends, making each procedure truly unique. Losing a pet can be a very traumatic experience and being forced to watch a trusted companion grow old can be very off-putting. Thanks to our new TCO process there is no reason your 4-legged loved one can always be by your side. Dog owners can expect at least 60-year lifespans with regular treatments.”

Not everyone shares Ms. Masters enthusiasm about the procedure, however. Sebastian Malu, founder of The Eternal Cycle Church, and long-time Newuskin critic says the new procedure is an affront to the Universe itself.

“You don’t have to be a diviner to see where this is going to lead. First people are going to deny the Universe of the vibrational energy that these pets passing would provide, and keep them from reaching a higher state. Before long they are going to try the same with people. The Universe already has a perfect rule book written in our bodies by the creator. Believing that we can rewrite portions of that book to suit our needs is the height of narcissism and sure to bring about serious repercussions. People are meant to learn their life lessons and complete their journeys within a set timeframe before beginning their journeys again. We are not equipped to significantly extend our explorations in this realm.”

Despite Malu’s cryptic concerns, the companies say they have no plans to offer TCO treatments to people. “We’re a long way from doing human trials, and frankly anytime you start working on ways to produce genetically perfect humans you start getting into some really precarious territory. I think we have enough on our plates with our current goals,” says Hastings.

Still, considering the amount of time and money spent on youth and health procedures globally, one wonders how long we will be content to only let animals drink from this technological fountain of youth. The Kokua Pet Rejuvenation Center is set to begin the new TCO treatments next month and the waitlist is sure to be long. Masters suggests that people interested in the new procedure sign their pets up for the pre-screening process now.

STORYLINE

Announcing the Kokua Pet Rejuvenation Center and Spaw

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For over 6 years, The Kokua Wellness center and spa has been the premier destination for mindful relaxation and facilitated personal growth. We strive to not only respect the therapies and techniques of the past but also explore the wonders of cutting-edge technology. We are constantly evaluating new procedures to better serve your needs, and things are about to become more wonderful. As you know, last year our facility was one of the few chosen to partner with Vereserum to bring you their amazing Newuskin technology. The demand has been nothing short of extraordinary.

We’ve never been happy to simply reside in the realm of wonderful, however. Instead, we believe in manifesting the phenomenal through hard work with our partners and visualizing success. Bolstered with our intentions, and unrestrained by government rules on human testing, our Newuskin family have created the most advanced pet revitalization and shaping center in the world. We are proud to announce the opening of the Kokua Pet Rejuvenation Center and Spaw.

Now both you and your four-legged family member can receive the pampering you deserve. Simply drop off your pet, and choose from a number of our exclusive offerings. While we’re helping you reach your potential through one of our many classes, or creating a better you with Newuskin, we’ll be working hard to give you a companion worthy of your attention.

One of the most unfortunate aspects of pet ownership is all the hair. The help is constantly working to remove it from the floors and furniture. Grooming is too time-consuming and most vets say that waxing is not an appropriate option. If you’ve ever had to leave a social function because of the crushing embarrassment of having rogue pet hair on your clothing, you’ll love Vereserum’s new shed-resistant hair technology.

With this exciting treatment, you can ensure that your pet’s hair stays where it belongs, on your pet. With a simple touch-up every 90 days you can say goodbye to the groomer forever, and let your cleaning staff devote their attention to more important tasks. For an additional nominal fee, we can match your pet’s coat to a specific outfit. Instead of being humiliated by your pet’s hair, turn them into the perfect accessory that you always hoped they’d be.

This new technology can even expand the usefulness of your pet’s hair with an iridescent and bioluminescent fur upgrade. Now your pet’s coat can truly shine! Effortlessly spot your animal at night, and make it easier for them to be seen by motorists. This offering is perfect if you have young children who are scared of the dark. Imagine the security they’ll feel by having their own personal four-legged nightlight.

Short of keeping them inside a sealed container, there is no way to completely protect your pet from the dangers and filth of the outdoors. Nothing is as bad as the horror of a flea or tick infestation. Even the most pampered pooch can be exposed to these tiny nightmares from less vigilant pet owners. In the past, your options were limited to potentially toxic sprays, drops, and collars, or simply getting a new pet, which can be emotionally difficult. Now, you have a better choice.

Vereserum’s repellent skin deters parasites with an all-natural chemical barrier that stays with your pet for up to 3 months. In addition, the treatment slightly thickens your pet’s epidermis making it more resilient to irritation. In some cases, we’ve seen up to an 80% reduction in unsightly scratching or rubbing. Give your pets the skin you and they deserve.

Despite the best breeding, sometimes your furry family member grows into a disappointment. Breed standards are stringent, and until now pet owners were forced to live with imperfections. With total pet rejuvenation, you can finally have the perfect pet. Your animal will not only receive the shed-resistant hair and the skin upgrade, but we will reshape its features to perfectly match the standards of its breed. (Note: this process disqualifies your pet from showing in most animal clubs and associations.) Imagine the pride you’ll feel when that slightly crooked tail is finally straight or that bent ear stands tall as it should for an animal befitting its station.

Due to the number of inquiries, we will be expanding our offerings to now include pigs and rabbits as well as cats and dogs. Of course, you’ll still be able to enjoy some of our more established programs including our holistic grooming classes and ultra-whitening teeth procedures. Call to inquire about times and availability. We will discuss pricing and payment options in person at the facility. Sorry, we are not offering any financing options at this time. No walk-ins, please. Hurry, as we expect high demand and have a limited number of openings. Be sure to ask about animal ceremplants! They make training easy, and better yet allow for a two-way relationship with your cat, dog, pig, or rabbit.

STORYLINE

Drilling Crew Discovers 600-Year-Old Poi In Ancient Kitchen

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A drilling crew working in Western Maui made an amazing discovery, when they uncovered an ancient food preparation site, and over a dozen containers of poi. Held in handmade wooden vessels, the Hawaiian staple is thought to be over 600-years-old. While it is not unheard of to find ancient foodstuffs, it is extremely rare. Researchers say the amazingly well preserved poi is the oldest ever discovered, and the kitchen should yield valuable information about the life of ancient Hawaiians.

Last month, a Creek Propulsion’s crew was busy surveying an area as a possible geothermal well site, when they noticed bits of worked wood and bark cloth stuck in one of their drill bits. After some digging, the team discovered a wooden container filled with a solid purplish substance, and called experts at the University of Maui Lahaina College. A team from the college soon established that the site was part of an ancient kitchen, but it wasn’t until yesterday that the purple substance was identified. According to a Vereserum lab analysis, the substance found in 13 wooden pots was the world’s oldest poi.

“To be honest I’m not a big fan. To me all poi tastes like it is 600-years-old, but I’m sure whoever made this batch knew what they were doing,” says Chris Treadwell, Creek Propulsion’s Senior Vice President of Supply, Distribution, and Planning. “I’m proud of our team for having a sharp eye, and helping preserve this window into ancient Hawaiian life.” Chris says they turned over the site to Hawaiian officials and the university, but he remains in awe of the craftsmanship of the artifacts. “As an engineer I can appreciate the precision required to make these storage containers. You couldn’t just buy a bowl with a lid, or cling film when these people lived. If you wanted to store something, you had to make your own vessel. Whoever made these containers was extremely talented, the lids were perfectly air tight. It just goes to show you what someone with the time, and eye, can do with a set of basic tools.”

While Treadwill can’t speak highly enough about the craftsmanship of the ancient prep cooks, many others have expressed interest in the fruits, or in this case, poi, of their labor. A bidding war of sorts has begun this morning with Vereserum, the Lahaina Heritage Museum, the Office of Hawaiian Culture (OHC), and even Bob Abramo trying to get some of the ancient luau favorite.

“Most of my work revolves around agricultural and food sustainability, and this ancient poi may provide valuable information,” says Vereserum’s Head of research Dr. Adler Walters. “This poi predates Captain Cook’s visit by almost 400 years, and offers a glimpse at the nutritional value of the plants, and the climate before the beginning of the industrial revolution. Taro, the main ingredient in poi, has been grown in rich, volcanic soil for hundreds of years. This has led to the microbes living inside it to become highly heat and acid-resistant, making poi one of the best probiotic foods available. In fact, poi has significantly more beneficial bacteria per gram than yogurt. This poi may be the key to solving a number of common digestive problems and diseases, including food allergies, and infants suffering from failure to thrive syndrome. Our work on the Kukenroot plant has the potential to wipe out famine world-wide, and I believe study of any cultures that are still active in this poi, may be just as vital. Imagine if instead of making poi, you could just buy a taro root already mashed perfectly inside, and eating it would protect you from any stomach bug or malady. That is the potential sitting inside those old wooden bowls. We hope the State will give us access to this incredible find.”

Brandi Essen, Operations Manager of Abramo Holdings LLC., on the other hand, wants the poi for different reasons. “We want to serve it to people,” she says.

“You have to stay one step ahead of the competition in every business. That is especially true in the restaurant game. For some time we have been exploring the idea of a high-end Paleo feast concept, and this ancient poi would be the perfect side dish. We’re not talking about serving up a Komodo dragon on a platter, we’re talking about taking advantage of what the climate is making available to us. With worldwide temperatures climbing every year, more and more permafrost is thawing, and giving up well preserved ancient animals. It is only a matter of time before one is discovered that has enough meat on its bones to eat.

For years people believed that the Explorers Club served a mammoth found on Akutan Island, at their 47th annual dinner. It was the talk of the town at the time, and for over 50 years after the famous meal. While DNA analysis of a bit of the meat preserved by a guest, proved that the meal was actually green sea turtle, the idea of eating an ancient animal struck a chord with the public. Imagine if we could find active cultures in this poi, and use them to make more. Imagine the taste of a vinegar or fermented sauce made from this ancient food. Imagine the line around the block we’d have if we could offer people a true taste of our Hawaiian ancestors. You can’t put a price, or a freshness date on something like that.”

STORYLINE

Is Your Facility Right For Newuskin?

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As you can imagine, demand for our Newuskin tables has been great, to say the least. Vereserum has received so many requests for our technology in fact, that we have put together this guideline to help weed out facilities not ready to properly administer a Newuskin device. It is our hope that this outline will effectively communicate the minimum requirements and expectations associated with becoming a Vereserum partner and leasee of Newuskin technology. If your facility and clientele meet our basic requirements please contact our sales department. Nothing that follows is legally binding and terms are subject to change at any time.

Your Facility
Newuskin is cutting-edge technology that requires special backup power supplies and a special facility. Our rejuvenation tables require a dedicated power source and seamless backup supply. The delicate nature of the process means that one of our devices can never be without power. In addition to the power requirements, your facility must meet strict guidelines. Your building must have been built or had a major renovation within the last 6 years. Unless it is located in an especially unique area (lone building on an island, on top of a mountain, destination hotel, etc.) all of our partner locations must be at least 7,000 square feet. We also require a full audit of the facility before installation to make sure that the towels, chairs, fixtures, decorations, and various other items inside are of sufficient quality.

Your Financials
We require that our partners turn over a complete financial history of the facility and any owners/partners with more than a 10% interest in the business. We require tax returns for all the above parties going back 10 years. In addition, we ask that a forward-looking business plan be filed highlighting how you plan to integrate our technology into your facility, and what your goals for the next 5 years are.

Your Clientele
Almost as important as the quality of your facility is the quality of your clientele. We require a complete list of all your clients with the appropriate contact information. Your combined clientele must meet our minimum total income levels, social media reach, and average age demographics. We are a new technology and are trying to market to a younger demographic so a facility with younger clients will be looked upon favorably. Any clients of note (actors, singers, media personalities) will of course rank your facility higher than others.

Messaging
All advertising about our products and devices must be cleared with our marketing department. All messaging must focus on skin/hair changes and imply surface treatment only. The full organ/body replacement nature of the process must never be mentioned. If pressed by a client you are to present them with the information packs we will provide. In addition, you must refrain from answering any specific questions about the length of time the treatment will last. We encourage using a vague statement like: “Best of all, the results after one session can last months! “ The lead on all advertising will be “Newuskin, Nu U!” In addition, the following marketing statements have been pre-cleared.

Be the best you, you can be with the help of Newuskin.
Let the new you look exactly like the old you.
Enjoy the taught soft skin of your prime.
Tell Mother Nature and Father Time that they’re not in charge anymore.
Add some dark to your tall and handsome.
Newuskin, new you.

Other Considerations
All excess biological materials leftover from the Newuskin process must be recycled, cremated, or dealt with in a discreet, legal manner. We encourage you to investigate the laws regarding the disposal of such materials in your jurisdiction. We also require you to carry the appropriate liability insurance and sign an agreement freeing the company from any possible litigation. In some cases, Vereserum will ask for a forced dissolution contingency agreement to secure its interests.

If you think you and your facility meet all of these requirements and you agree to these conditions, please contact our sales department. We’ll verify some basic information and start the process. If we find everything to be up to our standards, you’ll be able to offer the most prestigious and advanced beauty treatment in the world. It is our sincere hope to include you in the Newuskin family soon!

STORYLINE

Your Ceremplant Policy is Unacceptable!

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Dear Dean Mahelona,

I wanted to attend the University of Maui Lahaina College because I believed it was an institution that emphasized lifelong learning, Native Hawaiian culture, and global understanding. That’s what your brochure said at least, and what I was told at orientation. What I soon learned however, was that you stopped learning decades ago, are only interested in promoting a culture of ignorance, and your understanding extends to the edge of your corporately owned desk. Your policy in regards to Ceremplants is particularly egregious!

Telling me that your policies are clearly written in my enrollment materials is unacceptable. Do you actually think people read papers before they sign them? When I asked what all the stuff about the college needing access to my implant was about, I was told it was for my benefit. At first I thought it was nice. Every morning I’d get the news after the morning update and the synch times were short so they didn’t slow me down. Your mapping program was a big help learning the campus, and finding the shortest way to class and stores around town. Then I started to learn more and I felt sick.

I soon learned that all my pictures were being stored by the college. I had no idea that everything I recorded for my personal use was automatically being captured by you as well. When I was taking images of my Psi Pi Chi sisters it was so I could look back on them one day, and relive those memories or use them as leverage. I didn’t expect you to keep them as well. I’m going to need to find a job one day, and I don’t think some of the things you’ve made copies of would help.

It just wasn’t just pictures and video either. I’m not sure you’re aware that the school’s “daily steps” feature does far more than just “Show you how much you’re moving in a elegant way and gives tips on how to be more active.” It not only tracks your steps, it keeps track of your movements on campus and produces a daily map of your activity. I call it a kidnapping treasure map, because I can’t think of a more dangerous piece of data to be kept about a young woman. You can actually go back and see where someone goes every day, and at what time. I assume that you are making money somehow off of this data because I can’t understand why else you would have it.

When I called to have my personal data deleted I was told it was an easy process. That turned out to be another lie. After hours of back and forth, and a number of unnecessary reboots, I was told everything of a personal nature had been removed. Then today I got my “Morning Memory” as usual and it was a picture of Holly Kalili and me standing on the beach. I saw red!

While it’s true that Holly and I were good friends last semester, that was before we learned about her gross beliefs. Holly thought that the new veil quota law was a good idea and that it would help preserve the delicate natural areas on the island. Do you know who else has quotas? People who run slaughterhouses, that’s who! Our sorority could not support someone so hateful that they would support a measure that would make it harder for friends and family visit. She was barely done asking why the locks were changed and her things were in the street, before we all deleted her pictures. Yet, I was now being forced to remember her, and her bigoted beliefs. The only way that was possible was if you somehow had saved pictures of her after I asked you to delete everything.

I immediately complained and demanded that you stop syncing with my implant. Then you dropped the bomb on me. I was told that I would be unable to get my grades until I restored access. That is offensive, and your complete lack of making an exception in my case is unacceptable! I’m not accustomed to dealing with people who choose to flaunt their authority. It’s gross. I don’t work well with people who disagree with me, so you can understand why this has been so hard. In retrospect, I should have known that you were in the pocket of big business. The artwork on campus is devoid of inspiration and clearly corporately sponsored. Even the shrubbery is contrived .

I’m drawing a line and demanding that you change your policies, and void anything I may have already agreed to. I’m pretty sure you can’t hold someone responsible for what they’ve signed if what they’ve signed is stupid! I don’t think you fully understand how many online followers I have, and just how popular I am on campus. I still have people stop me and ask about the story I did freshmen year on how hard it is to live with headgear. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been called brave for letting the student paper take those pictures in the middle of my quest for straighter teeth. What do you think would happen if I let everyone know that you wouldn’t accommodate my wishes? I’m not trying to threaten you. I’m just letting you know that you don’t want to be on the wrong end of an argument with me, just ask Holly. You have 24 hours to agree to my terms.

Indignantly,
Kimberly Hekili

STORYLINE

Booming Urchin Venom Industry Blamed for Troubling New Fad

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The demand for sea urchin venom for use in medical research has never been greater, and few places have benefited as much as Lahaina. It seems as if a new extraction business is opening on every corner. The industry’s amazing growth (over 200% in the last 6 months alone) has spurred a modern day venom rush. With promising research on the horizon, it seems nothing can stop the urchin train. However, a troubling new fad threatens to derail the venom business in Lahaina. Called “lurchin,” people are ingesting urchin poison, and filming themselves engaging in physical activities, while the poison numbs their nervous system. Participants say it’s nothing more than some harmless fun. Officials call it dangerous, and an incredibly stupid trend.

Over two years ago, Veilcorp’s huge urchin restoration program was met with much anger and push back. Many felt the project was the company’s retribution for a legal suit brought against Veilcorp over the failed rail project. Mayor Cravalho himself argued that the program would ruin beaches and hurt tourism, but a lot can change in a few years.

When Vereserum announced the fast-track release of Echinodone last spring, the urchin business started booming. The powerful pain medication is incredibly safe, with almost no risk of accidental overdose, non-addictive, and derived from sea urchin venom. Instead of crippling the Lahaina economy, the urchin restoration project became an area gold mine almost overnight. It is that boom in the industry, and the availability of urchin venom, that some say is responsible for the “lurchin” fad.

You don’t have to look hard to find videos or pictures of people lurchin around Lahaina, and unfortunately the trend seems to be spreading. Named after the jerky movements the toxin causes, there are hundreds of videos showing people ingesting urchin venom and riding bikes, climbing, skateboarding, or even surfing as the poison suppresses their nervous system, sometimes to the point of temporary paralysis. Craig Luahi’s lurchin videos on Glimpsea and YouTube have been viewed millions of times, and he says there is a lot of misunderstanding surrounding the practice. “It’s actually very hard and takes a lot of brain power to pull off. Lurchin is not for the weak willed. Imagine your whole body feeling like it’s asleep. You can barely feel your arms, legs, or face. Now imagine trying to jump a skateboard, run across a beam, or climb a tree like that. What we’re doing is pushing the limits of the mind-body connection. We’re not just a bunch of idiots drinking poison for attention. We’re artists!”

Still, dozens have been injured, and officials say it’s only a matter of time before the practice leads to a death. Marine biologist and urchin researcher Dr. Alanai Kalipalani, says the trend is, “beyond stupid.”

“We’ve been deriving medicines from venom for a long time. Cone snail venom has led to painkillers, gila monster venom was used to develop effective diabetes medicines, sea anemone toxins have been used to battle autoimmune diseases, and snake venoms have been vital to the creation of amazing anticoagulant drugs. There just wasn’t a lot of work done with sea urchin venom until the past 3-5 years, and I think the results speak for themselves. I have seen promising research using urchin toxin to treat amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (ALS), also known as Lou Gehrig’s disease. It would be a shame if the actions of a few incredibly stupid people ruin a whole new avenue of medical research. Ingesting urchin venom can cause fatigue, weakness, muscle aches, shock, paralysis, and even respiratory failure. I hope this fad runs it course soon before it causes irreparable harm or lasting injuries.”

Local business owner and Dr. Kalipalani’s brother Ronnie agrees strongly. Owner of Ronnie Kalipalani Construction, Ron says that the fad has cost his business thousands of dollars, and him countless hours of sleep. Kalipalani says many of his work sites have become targets for people lurchin, and he’s had to hire security to keep them away. “I remember the first time we found people lurchin on a site. It was like a nightmare,” he says.

“Mike was the first to notice them when we pulled up in the truck. There was a woman draped over an I-beam, and some feet sticking out of the cement mixer. Another guy was inside the dozer bucket, still half on a bike. I didn’t see any blood, and couldn’t tell if they were alive or not. It was all I could do to get out of the truck and check them out, while the guys called the police. I only got a few feet when I saw another young lady come shuffling around the back, and making a groaning noise. I’ll be honest, it really freaked me out! I ran back to the truck, but the guys had locked the doors. Luckily she fell over before she got to me, otherwise there’s no telling what might have happened. When the cops explained that they had purposely drank urchin venom so they could film themselves playing around the construction site, I couldn’t believe it. I mean, we’ve all done stupid things, me included, but the venom doesn’t make you feel good or anything. If you’re going to do dumb stuff there better be a pay off. I’ve seen some stupid fads in my day, but lurchin has got to be the worst.”