STORYLINE

Hugh The Hunter Part II

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She says the world ended, that the veils fractured and almost everything is gone. She’s in my head. She tells me her name is Saraphim but I can’t remember mine. I can only remember bits. I ask her who, and where I am. She explains that I was backed up, and she is restoring me, like I’m supposed to know what that means. My restorer says she doesn’t know my name either, I’m HU-3501 in the system, and there was some degradation. She wants me to report any problems I have once I’m out of the chair.

I can finally see. I’m in the Wellness Center. I remember my boss giving us certificates for Christmas but can’t recall her name or where I worked. I step out of the machine but there’s no clothes. Saraphim directs me to a locker that is supposed to be filled with complimentary clothing. I see a problem immediately. There’s nothing in here but flowered shirts, those weird looking fishing hats, and cargo pants. I tell her I find it hard to believe that she has the technology to rebuild someone from scratch, but can’t come up with clothing that doesn’t make me look like a 1980’s tourist. She says that there aren’t many survivors, but they all wear stuff like this now. I get dressed and go outside. I don’t believe what I see.

It’s all gone. Everything is in ruin. Saraphim tries to keep me calm, and tells me I need to go out and tell her what I see. I try to remember where home is. I feel like it’s close, but everything is like snapshots of a movie. She starts talking again about degradation, and something about my parietal lobe. I stop listening because coming up the street is a group of about a dozen people. The first thing I notice is that none of them are wearing flowered shirts or floppy hats, contrary to what I was told. Next, I notice how big they are, and that none of them are smiling. They’re all carrying weapons and the biggest one looks at me, yells something, and raises a huge shark-toothed club above his head. I assume I won’t want to hear whatever it is they are going to tell me, and I sprint towards the ruins in front of me. Then, things get crazy.

I hit something with my shin as I start to jump onto a piece of concrete, and there is an explosion behind me. I feel the hot air lift me up, and I land on a piece of flooring jutting out between the second and third floor. I turn around and see another group of people, also not wearing flowered shirts, scrambling out of the rubble around me. My head is ringing. They start climbing. One has an old rusted pistol and takes a shot at me. I see an opening in the adjoining building, and try to make the leap to get away. As I start to push off the ledge, the whole thing comes crashing down. Somehow, I stay upright, and the debris covers up the people who were hiding in the rubble. I’m in shock about what just happened, and that I’m still standing. Their cheers bring me to my senses. Before I know it, I’m surrounded, getting slaps on my back, and big hugs. It’s like I had just won the lava sledding championships for the Blue Wolves. I try to ask who they are, but nothing comes out. I don’t understand everything they’re saying either, but they’re all smiling now. Saraphim says she’ll keep working on it, but my condition might be permanent. They motion for me to follow, and since they are the first people I’ve met who haven’t tried to kill me, I go with them. The big one with the club says his name is Kanaka.

It turns out that the whole group is called the Kanaka, not just the big guy. Their village is amazing. It’s set along the ocean and has everything you need. The one thing that I can’t find no matter how hard I look, is anyone wearing one of these stupid hats. I soon realize that we won’t be able to communicate with words. With Saraphim’s help I manage to scribble my number, HU-3501, in the sand to see if anyone knows what it is. Nobody does, but they all start calling me Hugh.

They seem to think that I’m some sort of avenging spirit, and I do absolutely nothing to convince them otherwise. We spend days practicing with spears, machetes, and clubs. They have a couple shotguns too, but we don’t use them. I assume ammo is hard to come by. Maybe it’s something about my new implant, but I feel like I’m getting pretty good with a machete after only a few days. Everyone treats me with reverence and respect. I have all the poke and pineapple I can eat, and I get to play with weapons in the surf whenever I want. I can’t fully remember what I used to do, but I’m sure it was nowhere near as cool as this. However, nothing lasts forever and about a week into my new awesome life, a group of well armed people arrive.

Things are tense between the Kanaka and these new people for a few minutes. I think they might be what’s left of the military but they’re not wearing uniforms, or anything that remotely resemble my tourist clothing. They’re all very well armed. Maybe they’re a bunch of preppers. I guess my crazy cousin Ted was right after all. I wonder how many years of liquor he had stored up in his Duracave bunker when civilization collapsed, just like he always knew it would. They want help with something, and my friends agree. Everyone grabs some gear, and they hand me a machete before we head out into the forest.

We end up at a big building that looks like a Halloween nightmare. There’s skulls everywhere outside. Some whispering and pointing begins. I’m not sure what there is to talk about. We better not be….of course we’re going inside. Why wouldn’t we? I feel like we’re the group in the horror movie who decides to go investigate the basement when we should clearly just go home. The inside is worse. There’s heads mounted on the walls, it’s dark, and I can’t think of one good reason why we should be in here. Then monsters come running towards us, honest to god, real monsters. Gunfire starts and the Kanaka start hacking away. I look at the stairs to the left, and run up. I’ve only been back a little over a week, and there is no way that I’m going to get killed fighting monsters this soon.

I find a nice desk to hide under with a view below. My buddies are really slicing through them, and the people with guns are mowing them down almost as fast as the monsters are springing up, almost. Pretty soon they are surrounded, and start pulling back. I stand up to meet the team at the bottom of the stairs, when I see a really big creature knock a desk in front of the door, and block the Kanaka’s exit. I can see they’re scared. That makes me scared. If this thing kills them, I’ll be trapped in here. I think about how good I’ve gotten with my machete, and ask Saraphim if she could bring me back again if something were to happen to me.

She says she probably could, but advises against doing anything stupid. I tell her stupid choices are the only ones I have right now. I jump from my hiding spot with the machete above my head. I swing down as hard as I can when I land, and it almost takes the things leg off. I tumble in front of it, and scramble to my feet facing my friends. The look of amazement on their faces is priceless. I give them a thumbs up, and turn around to look at my handiwork. The last thing I remember is seeing the thing lurch up on its ruined leg, grab my head and twist.

It was not a painless death. Saraphim is not happy with my decision. “Do you have any idea how hard it is to get the materials to bring you back? These bodies aren’t exactly easy to make.” I get out of the machine and start getting dressed. I guess the flowered shirts aren’t that bad. Besides, it’s like my costume now. I can’t wait to see what they’re going to do when Hugh The Hunter returns from the dead. I start walking back to the village, and Saraphim says, “Please, try a little harder to not lose your head this time.”

STORYLINE

Kokua Wellness Center Accused of Using Discarded Meat In Beauty Treatments

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Lahaina is in shock this morning after disturbing allegations were made last night involving the Kokua Wellness Center and some of their most popular beauty treatments. The exclusive spa is accused of using scrap meat and cutoffs from a number of local businesses in procedures, including the Abramo Chophouse, instead of the specialized stem cells and patented biological materials normally associated with high-end Newuskin treatments. Officials say they have confiscated hundreds of pounds of meat from the facility and are questioning staff about the claims. Newuskin says they are suspending all services at Kokua and are removing their machines until a full investigation is completed.

This is not the first time troubling allegations have been made against the Wellness Center involving Newuskin treatments. Two years ago, Kokua made headlines when a group broke into the facility intent on stealing materials they claimed were human remains. While that case raised many moral and spiritual questions about the nature of the spas treatments, these new claims raise significant issues regarding public safety.

The investigation comes hot on the heels of an anonymous complaint sent to the Health Department and local officials, as well as the entire client list of the center. It reads in part, “I had been working at the Abramo Chophouse for years when the scrap buckets appeared. Anyone who has cooked for a living knows about waste buckets. They’re supposed to make you waste less by looking at the pile of food at your feet at the end of the night, but these were different. We kept them in the cooler and they were always sealed. Also, they were only supposed to be for cutoffs, trimmings, and scraps…..just meat and nothing cooked…. We joked that Bob was planning on making a “Kamikaze Sausage” special like you’d do with mixing fountain soda as a kid but that wasn’t what was going on at all.

…I kept asking why we were bringing the buckets to the side entrance of the spa and finally I was told that they were using the scraps in their procedures because it was cheaper than buying what they needed from the company. Normally I’m not concerned about the problems of Lahaina’s rich and famous, but this was too much. Nobody deserves to have their face filled with gristle and rib scrapings….you all need to look into this.”

Kokua spokesperson Yvonne Masters says she finds the allegations troubling but adds that the public response has been even worse.

“We live in a time where accusations no matter how outlandish are believed. We are obviously dealing with disgruntled employees trying to lash out in any way they can. It is disturbing how fast something like this can snowball and it should scare every business owner in Lahaina. Of course, all of these allegations are untrue. It goes without saying that we are not infusing cheeseburgers into our clients to smooth out fine lines and wrinkles. The confiscated meat has been inspected and is used to extract the most bio-available zinc available for our exclusive line of holistic vitamins. The reaction to this troll’s unfounded allegations has left us all speechless and saddened.”

Public reactions have been mixed so far with many high-profile clients making statements supporting the spa and pointing out how outrageous the accusations are. Still, many see a reason for concern. Local resident and noted author Kevin Morrow says if proven true the spa has endangered the lives of not only its clients but the public in general.

“One common rule has been shared across all cultures since humans could etch their thoughts into clay tablets or paint them on a wall. Don’t eat each other! It seems simple enough but what if your neighbor or your boss were literally made of what you eat? Hunger is very powerful, perhaps the most powerful driving force in nature. Much of your hunger response is subconscious, there’s a reason bakeries direct the smell of baking bread to the front of the store. We’ve all heard stories about plane crash survivors or lost groups forced to eat each other to survive, and that is dirty exhausted people with almost no meat on their bones.

Now imagine plump healthy-looking individuals baking in the afternoon sun, filled with Bob’s Best Burger Blend. Maybe you’ve had too many Mai Tai’s and the smell of these meat treated people is slowly wafting into your nostrils making your mouth water. You think to yourself, “Well maybe just a toe, they won’t miss it that much.” That’s exactly how a cannibal uprising starts. All it takes is the right situation and one bad day. I don’t think people realize how close they are to being eaten by their peers. For the sake of Lahaina and its people I hope these allegations are untrue.”

STORYLINE

Kokua Wellness Center Strike Continues In Row Over Newuskin Expansion

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For the past 7 years, The Kokua Wellness Center and Spa has been known as one of the world’s premier destinations for mindful relaxation and facilitated personal growth. Despite its reputation as a peaceful sanctuary for many of Lahaina’s elite, the center has been in turmoil recently. Many of the spa’s most popular instructors walked out in protest last Wednesday and say they have no plans on returning until their concerns are addressed.

Kokua is one of less than 50 facilities worldwide authorized to provide the wildly popular rejuvenating Newuskin treatments. The beauty treatments became an important part of the center’s business and integrated well with the spa’s other programs and offerings. Employees say that balance was upset at the beginning of this year when Vereserum, Newuskin’s parent company, sold the business to longtime rival Reparre Biologic.

According to the disgruntled instructors, Newuskin threatened to pull its machines from the facility unless Kokua devoted more space and promotional money to the Newuskin line of treatments. They say that many popular programs were curtailed or discontinued altogether, with the time and space filled by Newuskin products. For many, replacing the long-time manager Ascended Pali-ites Master Autumn with Notsuko, the Newuskin objective transformation intelligence network, was the last straw.

Autumn says,

“The Kokua that I loved and helped grow is not reflected in the contents or conscience of the people inside that building. Together, we manifested the world’s greatest holistic healing center. A place where you could learn about spiritual nutrition, alternative wellness, and have your chakras aligned through deliberate stretching techniques. However, we’ve become a glorified chop-shop where you can come in and get your outside stripped down and replaced, with little thought to cultivating any form of inner beauty or strength. I was alarmed when our Barraloha classes were cancelled but I was horrified when I was introduced to their AI program, Notsuko. I was informed that it would be taking over spa operations and that effectively immediately, we were going to end our astrological based billing and institute a predetermined pricing structure. When I asked Notsuko if it seriously thought that spiritually cleansing someone born under a fire sign was as easy as cleansing someone with a water sign, it said, “Yes”. I knew then that the inmates were running the asylum. If they think we are going to give up without a fight however, they are sadly mistaken. I think all of us are committed to fighting and focusing our energies on a better Kokua.”

Kokua management had no comment on the strike but people familiar with the issue say that they are considering all options. While not directly involved in the dispute at the wellness center, Reparre’s President Shawn Hastings has offered the use of Notsuko to all facilities providing Newuskin treatments. “While completely safe and reliable, the Newuskin process is incredibly complex, and in our opinion, best managed by our Notsuko technology. Look, the age of AI is here. In the past decade, we’ve seen many corporations use AI to streamline their business. All of Phxicom’s networks are overseen by Phxie, SSHAM’s customer service operations are handled by Shawn, and Veilcorp’s Valarie keeps operations running smoothly. Frankly, we are a little late to the party with the introduction of Notsuko. I understand that some may see it as a threat, but I assure you that our intentions are good. We only want to help support businesses offering Newuskin treatments, not push anybody out.”

According to Chef Craig Hoomaau nothing could be further from the truth.

“Despite what those wielding false power have said, I can vouch for the veracity of Autumn’s story. I’ve been teaching mindful chewing and purposeful swallowing strategies for over 15 years now. I developed one of the best transpersonal plating curriculums in the world and taught thousands to enjoy their meals beyond the limits of their five senses, but all of that didn’t matter to Kokua management and Notsuko. I was informed that my program was responsible for less than 3% of total revenue and was in danger of being cancelled. On top of that, they removed our kitchenette and spacious reflection area with vending machines and a small break area to make room for more Newuskin beds. Our kombucha dispenser is gone and I can no longer feed my fellow life guides nutritious organic, gluten-free, vegan delights. Instead, to save money, we have a machine filled with Manimal, chips, SSham bites, and other processed horrors. I don’t know when people decided that running a business was all about money, but we’re taking a stand at Kokua. We’ll show them that there’s more to living than the veil of modern life. We won’t be bullied into their malignant thinking and we will withhold our vital services until they start respecting the Aloha spirit and soul again.”

STORYLINE

Let Hailoha-Eats Cater Your Next Event

Chances are you’ve probably heard about Hailoha-Eats by now, even if you haven’t personally used our service yet. We’ve been delivering the food that you crave for over a year in select locations. Whether it’s: masala dosa from India, Spanish paella, fat rice from Macau, French croissants, or even a dinner bowl from Hula Noodle just down the street, Hailoha-Eats has the biggest selection and the quickest delivery times around. What you may not know, is that for the past 3 months we’ve expanded our menu to include a unique catering service in Lahiana, and now we’re ready to enlarge our service area.

Our “Events On Demand” service provides you with a catering experience that you’re going to love from start to finish. All of your affairs including: corporate events, business engagements, receptions, dinners, picnics, box lunches, memorial receptions, religious events, cocktail parties, impromptu events, or group meals of a lifetime, will be a hit with our trained staff and endless offerings. Events On Demand let’s the party come to you!

We provide almost everything including setup, servers, tableware, clean-up, food and drink. We help you create and craft your event beginning to end. We walk you through each step of the process, and can be ready for most events in just a few hours with: gluten-free, sugar-free, fat-free, meat-free, and broth-free options. If you have tables and a roof, we can take care of the rest, but don’t take it from us. Here’s what one of our satisfied customers has to say.

“I work as a personal assistant in one of the fastest growing marketing firms on the island. My boss is great at his job, but isn’t really big on details. Since we’re still a growing firm, everyone works long hours and things slip through the cracks, like his anniversary, and his children’s special events. I felt uncomfortable planning them at first. Then he explained that if I didn’t like getting food for his kids’ Veil Scout banquet, and acting as his proxy, he could find someone who was more than happy to do it. It was the unscheduled business events that really got to me though.

We’d have dozens of clients coming in, and he’d forget to mention it until the day before. I’d have to spend my day handling all the usual office work, and scrambling to arrange food and entertainment with almost no lead time. I can’t tell you how many nights I ended up on my couch with a bottle of bourbon, and a stress headache. The pressure was almost unbearable. But then I heard about Halioha-Eats’ Events On Demand service, and things changed forever. The staff is friendly and professional, and unlike the office, nobody from Halioha has ever patted me on the butt after an event. The quality of the food is higher than my blood pressure used to be. Now I can put together any business event in an afternoon. Things have calmed down a lot at work, and I’ve been able to wean myself off of some of my medications. Thanks Hailoha-Eats! You are literally a life saver.”

Our service isn’t just for business. We specialize in more intimate events, closer to your heart as well. Our menu is as diverse and specialized as you need it to be. We can handle clients with a number of specific dietary needs and restrictions. Whether you are allergic to: tree nuts, milk, soy, wheat, egg, corn, Alpha-gal, garlic, peanuts, shellfish, dried fruits, onions, finfish, or gelatin, we can craft a menu perfect for you and your guests.

It doesn’t matter if it’s a 20 person holiday party, or a 200 person wedding reception. Providing you with exceptional quality service, exquisite food, and beautiful presentation, is always our priority and our privilege. Our private party specialists are friendly and eager to help you make your event a success. Give us a call, and find out just how easy throwing a memorable event can be.

“My great-grandmother TuTu has been the rock on which our family was built on for as long as I can remember. I grew up hearing about how much she sacrificed for the family and I’ve seen plenty with my own eyes. She gave one of her kidneys to her sister 50 years ago, and took in my cousins after my aunt and uncle were in an accident. I don’t know of too many 70-year-olds who could have handled raising a handful of traumatized teenagers, but she did. She made every dance, game, and event without slowing down. In a word, she is amazing!

This year, she was turning 100, and there was no way we weren’t going to do everything we could to help celebrate the woman who had spent her life making all of our lives better. However, we had some concerns. For as tough as she is, nobody has figured out a way to beat time, and 100 is pushing the limits. We’re not the kind of family that can afford to send her to the Kokua Wellness Center for treatments. You wouldn’t believe how much they wanted for a Nuuskin TuTu. We love her with all of our hearts, but it seemed like planning an event too far in advance was a gamble at her age. The last thing we wanted was to lose our deposit if she didn’t make it to her birthday, but Hailoha-Eats’ Events On Demand service was the perfect solution. Because we were holding the party here, and only had around 50 guests, they were able to accommodate us with only 2 hours notice. When she woke up that morning, we were able to book the food without worry, at a great price. They gave her the best birthday cake she ever had, and the rest of us some peace of mind. I can’t recommend them enough!”

Talk with one of our event specialists now, and get a free appetizer with your first confirmed booking. Your perfect party is only a call away!

STORYLINE

Kokua Data Breach Linked To Robberies Across Hawaii

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Authorities say that they believe a wave of recent bank robberies are linked to a data breach that occurred at the Kokua Wellness Center this summer. According to reports, new evidence was obtained after a pair of suspects were arrested earlier this week. Police say Scott and Elizabeth Stonegate, the suspects, were cleared but provided information that points to the Kokua incident. They now believe that the perpetrators are using the stolen information, and Newuskin technology to disguise themselves as spa customers.

It’s said that a picture is worth a thousand words, and when police reviewed the security footage of a recent bank robbery in Honolulu, the video told it all. The suspects brazenly entered without bothering to disguise themselves, and at one point looking directly at a camera. It didn’t take long for authorities to identify the individuals as Lahaina Preservation Zone Compliance Officer Elizabeth Stonegate and her husband Scott. Within hours police surrounded the couple’s residence and took them into custody, but despite how it looked initially, the case is turning out to be much more complicated than authorities first believed.

A police spokesperson says, “After interviewing the Stonegates, and some further investigation, we determined that the people in the footage were not in fact the Stonegates despite how it appears. We now believe that the suspects in the video have used Newuskin technology to alter their appearance to that of the Stonegates. We believe the suspects used information gained from an incident this summer at the Kokua Wellness Center. We are looking into the possibility that this event is related to number of similar robberies over the past few months as well. If you have any information about these incidents or the data breach, our tiplines are open.”

There have been a handful of cases in the past involving suspects using the Newuskin process to disguise themselves before, or after committing a crime. However, this would be the first time documented by law enforcement, in which someone used the appearance of a specific person, and a Newuskin machine, as a disguise.

“I usually enjoy being a trendsetter, but this is a first that I could have done without,” says Elizabeth Stonegate.

“It’s been a trying year for us and the last thing I was expecting was to have officers break down my front door and arrest us. It’s not how we usually spend our Wednesday nights around here. Luckily, we have a very good lawyer and after sharing our financial records, the police could see that we weren’t the kind of people who needed to rob a bank. The security video in my office proved that we were working at the exact time the crime occurred as well, but I couldn’t help but think what might have happened to people in our situation who were less gifted. After discussing some specifics, and seeing the video ourselves, it became apparent that the suspects were using the looks we created during the Nu-U promotion at the wellness center. We weren’t really surprised. I can see why our personal looks would be highly prized. From what we’ve seen, we have to be in the top tier of clients in terms of attractiveness, but we were shocked that they had enough data to make such convincing disguises. After all, Scott and I have very minor procedures done, unlike some of our neighbors. I guess that’s just the blessing and curse of having incredible means and genes.”

Police say they can’t get into specifics about the other cases. Lawyers for the Kokua Wellness Center say they can’t comment during an active investigation, but say the center, “Has, and always will, protect the privacy of its clients.”

Newuskin spokesperson Yvonne Masters says the company is reviewing the incident and working with officials in the case. “We take client privacy very seriously, and have temporarily halted treatments at the Kokua Wellness Center until a thorough review of safety, and security procedures can be completed. We can only imagine what the Stonegates have been through and assure others that we are doing everything at our disposal to make sure that their personal data is secure. We are just thankful that the outcome, in this case, was a positive one, and that the Stonegate’s were able to easily clear themselves of wrongdoing. Being accused of bank robbery is bad enough, but we want to catch those responsible before they do something stupid on social media, or commit some sort of faux pas on video, and do some lasting harm to our clients.”

STORYLINE

Trial of Cult Leader Involved In Newuskin Robberies begins in Maui

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All eyes were turned toward the Second Circuit Court in Maui today as the trial of alleged cult leader Sebastian Malu began. Malu and members of his group, the Eternal Cycle, are accused of breaking into a Newuskin facility in Lahaina and stealing a large quantity of biological materials. The group claims that they were simply trying to perform proper services over what they consider are human remains.

The Eternal Cycle was founded in early 2047 in response to the cutting-edge beautifying treatment, Newuskin. Parent company Vereserum calls the technology the best tool available to combat the aging process. Sebastian and the group claim that the process is something much more ghoulish.

According to prosecutors, Malu and an unnamed group of his followers broke into the Kokua Wellness Center and Spa in Lahaina, and destroyed equipment including a number of Newuskin devices. In addition, they contend that members of the Eternal Cycle stole a large quantity of biological material set for disposal and refuse to disclose the location or disposition of said materials. Sebastian says that the so-called “biological material” is actually human remains.

Representing himself, Malu’s opening statement said in part,

“What Vereserum is offering goes well beyond a simple beauty treatment. They are trying to pass off a Newuskin procedure as nothing more than a glorified facial peel or teeth whitening. What they are doing is much more insidious. They refuse to discuss that this process involves full organ and sometimes body replacement. I will present company sales materials proving that they demand their partners not discuss this ugly fact with the public. In essence, a Newuskin procedure results in the death of a person created from the innate energy that runs through all things in the universe, and the construction of a new false body for vanity. Vereserum wants to mask this fact through legalese and technicalities. They know what they are doing goes against nature and common decency. They are trying to hide it from the public by demanding that the discarded bodies resulting from their unnatural procedure be immediately cremated. We are not using these bodies in perverse or disrespectful ways, or profiting from their sale as some at Kokua have been for the past year. We are simply trying to give the vital spirit and energies trapped inside these abandoned vessels a proper release back into the eternal cycle.”

Malu is referring to a scandal at the Kokua Wellness Center earlier this year where a federal sting operation discovered an individual who was selling leftover Newuskin materials to a wide variety of individuals, including biotech companies and collectors of the macabre. Details of the investigation remain sealed, presumably because of some connection to the Eternal Cycle case. Opponents of the Newuskin procedures say that this is an untalked about, but common practice for facilities that offer the treatments. Vereserum disagrees, and vehemently denies those accusations, taking issue with Malu’s characterization of the Nuuskin procedure.

Company spokesman and CTO Ryan Mandal says that while there have been some unfortunate circumstances surrounding this one facility, on the whole, Newuskin technology is safe and ethical, and the facilities that offer the procedures are secure and professional. He says,

“This technology has a 2 year proven track record and with many years of previous government scrutiny. We take pride in offering a conscientious and safe procedure to every customer who chooses to go through the Newuskin process. The individual who was selling jarred feet at the Lahaina facility was not representative of the high standards our partners and we strive to maintain. They have been dealt with according to the rules of law. For Sebastian to suggest that we are somehow stockpiling bodies like cordwood is as ridiculous as his defense in this case. While it is true that our procedure does involve the reconstruction or replacement of some biological tissues in our customers, the leftover materials are not people anymore than a pulled tooth or removed tumor is. By any reasonable measure both legally and morally, the Eternal Cycle are wrong and we are confident that the criminal justice system will help them see the error of their ways.”

Most legal experts agree with Mandal but say that Malu is probably not interested in winning the case legally, but instead exposing some of the lesser-known facts about the beauty procedure. In that case, he might have already won. The Newuskin facility in Lahaina has been temporarily closed and there have been calls for further investigations into Vereserum and the procedure at the capital. The case is expected to finish in a few weeks but the questions about Newuskin raised are likely to last much longer.

STORYLINE

Big Bites Stores To Offer Healthier Grab-and-Go Options

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New healthier options are on the shelves of every Big Bites store in Maui. The popular convenience store kicked off a partnership this week with the Department of Health’s “Healthy Hawaii” campaign. The initiative aims to give Hawaiians easier access to healthier food and beverage choices. Items that meet guidelines set by the department will be marked with a Healthy Hawaii label.

“One of the biggest hurdles for eating healthy is time. We’re all busy, running from place to place during the day, or trying to grab a bite 15 minutes before work. Usually, the only thing ready to eat that fast isn’t the best for you. Our goal, with the help of our partners, is to provide numerous fast, healthier options for busy Hawaiians,” says a Department of Health spokesperson.

Big Bites Operations Manager Brandi Essen says she is excited about the initiative. “Honestly, being able to create new foods and improve on old favorites is a lot of fun. When you couple that with helping people live healthier lives it’s a win-win situation.” Essen say that the stores will still “cater to carnivores,” allowing customers to grind their own sausage, and choose from the largest jerky and pickled meats selection anywhere on Maui, but now they will also have some healthier versions of customer favorites.

“We’ve tweaked the recipes to a number of items. Our energy mix now contains 30% less lardons, our foie gras chips are now fried in soybean oil, we’re offering a low sodium version of our famous candied corned beef bites, and we even have sugar free cracklin slushies to wash everything down. In addition, we’ve expanded the variety of items we wrap in bacon. We’re wrapping bacon around almost anything that grows now, to help our customers get all the fruits and vegetables they need during a busy day.”

Despite Essen’s enthusiasm not everyone is excited with the news that the Big Bites stores have been allowed to join the program. Chef Craig Hoomaau, a certified nutritionist and transpersonal plating-arts instructor at the Kokua Wellness Center and Spa, says the store’s products shouldn’t qualify for the program. “These items are in no way healthy. They are just healthier than the delivery systems of fat, salt, sugar, and preservatives that pass for the normal fare at the Big Bites stores. Unfortunately that’s all you need to qualify. I’ve made healthy living my life’s work. I was hired as a consultant when the government began this program last year so it’s very personal to me. Despite his reputation, Abramo doesn’t scare me. He knows that his food is dangerous and shouldn’t be included in the initiative. If I have any advice to people looking for healthy food in a Big Bites store it would be to run and keep running. Be active and make common sense food choices, like avoiding anything served at an Abramo business.”

Unsurprisingly, Big Bites owner Bob Abramo says that his products meet all guidelines for the program, and are in no way dangerous or unhealthy to eat. He says that he is simply offering nontraditional health foods to his customers and any complaints about his stores participation can be attributed to misunderstanding and jealousy .

“Hoomau is just upset that his classes are as empty as his plates, while I run the most successful meatery the island has ever seen. I will say that I am a bit surprised that he and his fellow grass drinkers had the energy to critique my business. It takes guts to take me on. Unfortunately for “Chef” Craig, I’m an expert in guts. I work with them everyday and I don’t mind getting my hands dirty. If Hoomau doesn’t want to find himself served up on a platter, he should focus on his own survival and not concern himself with my stores. I provide food for the top of the food chain, not for the things that run away. I suggest that Hoomau take his foamer, his plate brush, and his anemic ideas home before he bites off more than he can chew. There’s a pecking order on the island and Craig needs to understand that he’s been lucky so far. I didn’t know who he was until he started to squeal. Now that he’s put himself in my sights, it’s only a matter of time before I put him on my menu.”

STORYLINE

Reparre Biologic and Newuskin Announce Partnership

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Reparre Biologic and Newuskin turned the biotech industry on its ear today by announcing a new partnership. Long-time rivals, the Vereserum subsidiary and the medical tech company announced a number of new initiatives and unveiled the fruits of a secret 5-year project; a panther chameleon named Merlin. Known for their vibrant patterns and rapid color-changing ability, panther chameleons are the true masters of camouflage among reptiles. The companies demonstrated the lizard’s increased color pallet and almost instantaneous changing ability, but it was Merlin’s age that was the big story of the day. Panther chameleons have an extremely short lifespan, living only a year on average. Merlin is over 6-years-old.

They are calling the process “Tailored Cellular Optimization” (TCO) and they say it will revolutionizing everything about caring for your pet and the farming industry. Animal husbandry and breeding programs are a big business. Cattle farming alone generated over $100 billion last year in the U.S. and that number is supposed to rise 3.5% this year. Reparre’s President Shawn Hastings says that the process will quickly change the industry in a profound way.

“Selective breeding is as much an art as a science. For thousands of years we’ve been judging stock by eye. Only recently have we been able to actually look at genes of champion lines but that technology is still a blunt instrument. One of the biggest problems was preserving characteristics through lines and limiting genetic drift. TCO takes away that problem. Not only can we quickly maximize the already good genetics of a champion bull for example, but we can greatly extend that bull’s life. Extending the lifespan of champion stock would be a big boon to the industry and help reduce the environmental impact of animal agriculture. It’s not just farming either. Most race horses retire before they are 10. Imagine how valuable a champion would be after racing 40-50 years.”

Details of the TCO process were scant and the companies are remaining tight-lipped about the specifics. Newuskin spokeswoman Yvonne Masters says that you don’t have to be a farmer to make use of the new technology. She announced that a pilot pet program was being launched at the Kokua Pet Rejuvenation Center and Spaw.

“TCO is the ultimate way to pamper you pet. You can still get the pet services you’ve come to expect from the center including: shed resistant hair, iridescent and bioluminescent fur upgrades, and pest repellent skin.Those procedures have just been optimized with the addition of Reparre’s tailored DNA technology. Instead of using a generic breed model as a baseline, we can use specific cells from your furry friends, making each procedure truly unique. Losing a pet can be a very traumatic experience and being forced to watch a trusted companion grow old can be very off-putting. Thanks to our new TCO process there is no reason your 4-legged loved one can always be by your side. Dog owners can expect at least 60-year lifespans with regular treatments.”

Not everyone shares Ms. Masters enthusiasm about the procedure, however. Sebastian Malu, founder of The Eternal Cycle Church, and long-time Newuskin critic says the new procedure is an affront to the Universe itself.

“You don’t have to be a diviner to see where this is going to lead. First people are going to deny the Universe of the vibrational energy that these pets passing would provide, and keep them from reaching a higher state. Before long they are going to try the same with people. The Universe already has a perfect rule book written in our bodies by the creator. Believing that we can rewrite portions of that book to suit our needs is the height of narcissism and sure to bring about serious repercussions. People are meant to learn their life lessons and complete their journeys within a set timeframe before beginning their journeys again. We are not equipped to significantly extend our explorations in this realm.”

Despite Malu’s cryptic concerns, the companies say they have no plans to offer TCO treatments to people. “We’re a long way from doing human trials, and frankly anytime you start working on ways to produce genetically perfect humans you start getting into some really precarious territory. I think we have enough on our plates with our current goals,” says Hastings.

Still, considering the amount of time and money spent on youth and health procedures globally, one wonders how long we will be content to only let animals drink from this technological fountain of youth. The Kokua Pet Rejuvenation Center is set to begin the new TCO treatments next month and the waitlist is sure to be long. Masters suggests that people interested in the new procedure sign their pets up for the pre-screening process now.

STORYLINE

Officials Order Kokua Wellness Center’s “Product Integrity” System Taken Offline

After a recent round of complaints, including an incident involving an incapacitated teen, officials have ordered the Kokua Wellness Center and Spa to shutdown their controversial new product integrity system. The spa says they need the technology to protect their brand, by eliminating any counterfeit or unapproved products from entering their facility. However, Mayor Albert Cravalho says that numerous complaints and a handful of injuries, prove that the system is not yet ready and a danger to the public.

Kokua began using the Standards and Loyalty Assurance Program (SLAP) early last month to protect the spa from “the introduction of products that don’t meet the rigorous physical and spiritual standards of the Kokua Wellness Center.” Signs were erected warning passerbys to stay at least twenty feet away from the property, and customers were warned that Kokua would no longer accept items not purchased at the spa, or previously cleared.

The backlash from the community was almost immediate, with numerous complaints about residents receiving electrical shocks from the system’s integrated drones for getting too close to the front door. In addition, reports of SLAP harming birds who flew over the wellness center flooded the Department of Land and Natural Resources (DLNR). Numerous officers reported that the spas front garden was often covered in dazed terns and convulsing shearwaters. The last straw for officials came when SLAP drones went beyond their set perimeter, and harassed motorists driving by, attempting to destroy non-approved cosmetics detected inside vehicles.

Mayor Cravalho says, “While the Kokua Wellness Center is one of the jewels in Lahaina’s crown, it is clear that this new SLAP system is a slap in the face to the aloha spirit that is at the heart of this town. I appreciate their concerns about protecting their profits, but assaulting people with electricity is not the way to do it. If the management can’t see the wisdom of shutting it down, I’ll do it for them.”

Kokua spokesperson Yvonne Masters says the system isn’t just about protecting profits, although that certainly is a concern. It’s about preserving the integrity of Kokua products, and making sure customers look and feel their best when they leave.

“Last year counterfeit products cost over $2 trillion globally. That number is striking, and certainly a concern of ours, but the real danger to us is the terrible efficacy of faux items reflecting poorly on the center. We take great pride in only offering the finest natural products, providing customers a level of spiritual harmony and fitness that is unatainable with lesser products. Whether it’s our: lotions, exfoliates, specially heated stones, yoga mats, or even towels, Kokua products are the finest money can buy. We’ve seen in the past few years just how terrible knockoff products can be for beauty outcomes and health. While we can’t stop people from cheapening themselves at home, we can assure that nobody cheapens our treatments with forbidden lotion hidden in their bag, or a subpar mat in their lava yoga class.

Our area cosmetic policing and denial system is able to identify banned cosmetics, forbidden clothing, and equipment with a high degree of sophistication. Once a contraband item is found the system uses a mild drone-delivered shock to “illuminate” the offender, and let them know that they should remove the offending cosmetics or return contraband items to their car. If they are not receptive to our message, the power of the electrical reminder is increased to protect the integrity of our center. Every new technology experiences some bumps in the road before it is perfected. We have now addressed any and all issues with SLAP, and believe that the order to take it offline is both illegal, and unnecessary.”

However, a recent incident involving a teenage tourist would seem to belie Masters claim. According to Carla Archer, her son Tim had been enjoying a cherry flavored italian ice when a SLAP drone mistook the red staining around his mouth as a type of banned lip gloss. The boy was reportedly shocked to the point of unconsciousness while his frantic mother tried to protect him, and contact authorities.

Masters counters that the report of the incident contains inaccurate information, and was a simple misunderstanding.

“We feel terrible for the Archers, who had inadvertently wandered onto Kokua property. Carla has accepted our heartfelt apology, as well as a complimentary Nuuskin dermal rejuvenation, and a suite of our finest products. Tim has regained most of the feeling in his hands, and should make a full recovery. Both parties now consider the matter closed. We only hope the mayor’s office will be equally understanding, before we are forced to take the matter to a higher court and spiritual authority.”

STORYLINE

Announcing the Kokua Pet Rejuvenation Center and Spaw

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For over 6 years, The Kokua Wellness center and spa has been the premier destination for mindful relaxation and facilitated personal growth. We strive to not only respect the therapies and techniques of the past but also explore the wonders of cutting-edge technology. We are constantly evaluating new procedures to better serve your needs, and things are about to become more wonderful. As you know, last year our facility was one of the few chosen to partner with Vereserum to bring you their amazing Newuskin technology. The demand has been nothing short of extraordinary.

We’ve never been happy to simply reside in the realm of wonderful, however. Instead, we believe in manifesting the phenomenal through hard work with our partners and visualizing success. Bolstered with our intentions, and unrestrained by government rules on human testing, our Newuskin family have created the most advanced pet revitalization and shaping center in the world. We are proud to announce the opening of the Kokua Pet Rejuvenation Center and Spaw.

Now both you and your four-legged family member can receive the pampering you deserve. Simply drop off your pet, and choose from a number of our exclusive offerings. While we’re helping you reach your potential through one of our many classes, or creating a better you with Newuskin, we’ll be working hard to give you a companion worthy of your attention.

One of the most unfortunate aspects of pet ownership is all the hair. The help is constantly working to remove it from the floors and furniture. Grooming is too time-consuming and most vets say that waxing is not an appropriate option. If you’ve ever had to leave a social function because of the crushing embarrassment of having rogue pet hair on your clothing, you’ll love Vereserum’s new shed-resistant hair technology.

With this exciting treatment, you can ensure that your pet’s hair stays where it belongs, on your pet. With a simple touch-up every 90 days you can say goodbye to the groomer forever, and let your cleaning staff devote their attention to more important tasks. For an additional nominal fee, we can match your pet’s coat to a specific outfit. Instead of being humiliated by your pet’s hair, turn them into the perfect accessory that you always hoped they’d be.

This new technology can even expand the usefulness of your pet’s hair with an iridescent and bioluminescent fur upgrade. Now your pet’s coat can truly shine! Effortlessly spot your animal at night, and make it easier for them to be seen by motorists. This offering is perfect if you have young children who are scared of the dark. Imagine the security they’ll feel by having their own personal four-legged nightlight.

Short of keeping them inside a sealed container, there is no way to completely protect your pet from the dangers and filth of the outdoors. Nothing is as bad as the horror of a flea or tick infestation. Even the most pampered pooch can be exposed to these tiny nightmares from less vigilant pet owners. In the past, your options were limited to potentially toxic sprays, drops, and collars, or simply getting a new pet, which can be emotionally difficult. Now, you have a better choice.

Vereserum’s repellent skin deters parasites with an all-natural chemical barrier that stays with your pet for up to 3 months. In addition, the treatment slightly thickens your pet’s epidermis making it more resilient to irritation. In some cases, we’ve seen up to an 80% reduction in unsightly scratching or rubbing. Give your pets the skin you and they deserve.

Despite the best breeding, sometimes your furry family member grows into a disappointment. Breed standards are stringent, and until now pet owners were forced to live with imperfections. With total pet rejuvenation, you can finally have the perfect pet. Your animal will not only receive the shed-resistant hair and the skin upgrade, but we will reshape its features to perfectly match the standards of its breed. (Note: this process disqualifies your pet from showing in most animal clubs and associations.) Imagine the pride you’ll feel when that slightly crooked tail is finally straight or that bent ear stands tall as it should for an animal befitting its station.

Due to the number of inquiries, we will be expanding our offerings to now include pigs and rabbits as well as cats and dogs. Of course, you’ll still be able to enjoy some of our more established programs including our holistic grooming classes and ultra-whitening teeth procedures. Call to inquire about times and availability. We will discuss pricing and payment options in person at the facility. Sorry, we are not offering any financing options at this time. No walk-ins, please. Hurry, as we expect high demand and have a limited number of openings. Be sure to ask about animal ceremplants! They make training easy, and better yet allow for a two-way relationship with your cat, dog, pig, or rabbit.