STORYLINE

Kokua Wellness Center Accused of Using Discarded Meat In Beauty Treatments

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Lahaina is in shock this morning after disturbing allegations were made last night involving the Kokua Wellness Center and some of their most popular beauty treatments. The exclusive spa is accused of using scrap meat and cutoffs from a number of local businesses in procedures, including the Abramo Chophouse, instead of the specialized stem cells and patented biological materials normally associated with high-end Newuskin treatments. Officials say they have confiscated hundreds of pounds of meat from the facility and are questioning staff about the claims. Newuskin says they are suspending all services at Kokua and are removing their machines until a full investigation is completed.

This is not the first time troubling allegations have been made against the Wellness Center involving Newuskin treatments. Two years ago, Kokua made headlines when a group broke into the facility intent on stealing materials they claimed were human remains. While that case raised many moral and spiritual questions about the nature of the spas treatments, these new claims raise significant issues regarding public safety.

The investigation comes hot on the heels of an anonymous complaint sent to the Health Department and local officials, as well as the entire client list of the center. It reads in part, “I had been working at the Abramo Chophouse for years when the scrap buckets appeared. Anyone who has cooked for a living knows about waste buckets. They’re supposed to make you waste less by looking at the pile of food at your feet at the end of the night, but these were different. We kept them in the cooler and they were always sealed. Also, they were only supposed to be for cutoffs, trimmings, and scraps…..just meat and nothing cooked…. We joked that Bob was planning on making a “Kamikaze Sausage” special like you’d do with mixing fountain soda as a kid but that wasn’t what was going on at all.

…I kept asking why we were bringing the buckets to the side entrance of the spa and finally I was told that they were using the scraps in their procedures because it was cheaper than buying what they needed from the company. Normally I’m not concerned about the problems of Lahaina’s rich and famous, but this was too much. Nobody deserves to have their face filled with gristle and rib scrapings….you all need to look into this.”

Kokua spokesperson Yvonne Masters says she finds the allegations troubling but adds that the public response has been even worse.

“We live in a time where accusations no matter how outlandish are believed. We are obviously dealing with disgruntled employees trying to lash out in any way they can. It is disturbing how fast something like this can snowball and it should scare every business owner in Lahaina. Of course, all of these allegations are untrue. It goes without saying that we are not infusing cheeseburgers into our clients to smooth out fine lines and wrinkles. The confiscated meat has been inspected and is used to extract the most bio-available zinc available for our exclusive line of holistic vitamins. The reaction to this troll’s unfounded allegations has left us all speechless and saddened.”

Public reactions have been mixed so far with many high-profile clients making statements supporting the spa and pointing out how outrageous the accusations are. Still, many see a reason for concern. Local resident and noted author Kevin Morrow says if proven true the spa has endangered the lives of not only its clients but the public in general.

“One common rule has been shared across all cultures since humans could etch their thoughts into clay tablets or paint them on a wall. Don’t eat each other! It seems simple enough but what if your neighbor or your boss were literally made of what you eat? Hunger is very powerful, perhaps the most powerful driving force in nature. Much of your hunger response is subconscious, there’s a reason bakeries direct the smell of baking bread to the front of the store. We’ve all heard stories about plane crash survivors or lost groups forced to eat each other to survive, and that is dirty exhausted people with almost no meat on their bones.

Now imagine plump healthy-looking individuals baking in the afternoon sun, filled with Bob’s Best Burger Blend. Maybe you’ve had too many Mai Tai’s and the smell of these meat treated people is slowly wafting into your nostrils making your mouth water. You think to yourself, “Well maybe just a toe, they won’t miss it that much.” That’s exactly how a cannibal uprising starts. All it takes is the right situation and one bad day. I don’t think people realize how close they are to being eaten by their peers. For the sake of Lahaina and its people I hope these allegations are untrue.”

STORYLINE

Kokua Data Breach Linked To Robberies Across Hawaii

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Authorities say that they believe a wave of recent bank robberies are linked to a data breach that occurred at the Kokua Wellness Center this summer. According to reports, new evidence was obtained after a pair of suspects were arrested earlier this week. Police say Scott and Elizabeth Stonegate, the suspects, were cleared but provided information that points to the Kokua incident. They now believe that the perpetrators are using the stolen information, and Newuskin technology to disguise themselves as spa customers.

It’s said that a picture is worth a thousand words, and when police reviewed the security footage of a recent bank robbery in Honolulu, the video told it all. The suspects brazenly entered without bothering to disguise themselves, and at one point looking directly at a camera. It didn’t take long for authorities to identify the individuals as Lahaina Preservation Zone Compliance Officer Elizabeth Stonegate and her husband Scott. Within hours police surrounded the couple’s residence and took them into custody, but despite how it looked initially, the case is turning out to be much more complicated than authorities first believed.

A police spokesperson says, “After interviewing the Stonegates, and some further investigation, we determined that the people in the footage were not in fact the Stonegates despite how it appears. We now believe that the suspects in the video have used Newuskin technology to alter their appearance to that of the Stonegates. We believe the suspects used information gained from an incident this summer at the Kokua Wellness Center. We are looking into the possibility that this event is related to number of similar robberies over the past few months as well. If you have any information about these incidents or the data breach, our tiplines are open.”

There have been a handful of cases in the past involving suspects using the Newuskin process to disguise themselves before, or after committing a crime. However, this would be the first time documented by law enforcement, in which someone used the appearance of a specific person, and a Newuskin machine, as a disguise.

“I usually enjoy being a trendsetter, but this is a first that I could have done without,” says Elizabeth Stonegate.

“It’s been a trying year for us and the last thing I was expecting was to have officers break down my front door and arrest us. It’s not how we usually spend our Wednesday nights around here. Luckily, we have a very good lawyer and after sharing our financial records, the police could see that we weren’t the kind of people who needed to rob a bank. The security video in my office proved that we were working at the exact time the crime occurred as well, but I couldn’t help but think what might have happened to people in our situation who were less gifted. After discussing some specifics, and seeing the video ourselves, it became apparent that the suspects were using the looks we created during the Nu-U promotion at the wellness center. We weren’t really surprised. I can see why our personal looks would be highly prized. From what we’ve seen, we have to be in the top tier of clients in terms of attractiveness, but we were shocked that they had enough data to make such convincing disguises. After all, Scott and I have very minor procedures done, unlike some of our neighbors. I guess that’s just the blessing and curse of having incredible means and genes.”

Police say they can’t get into specifics about the other cases. Lawyers for the Kokua Wellness Center say they can’t comment during an active investigation, but say the center, “Has, and always will, protect the privacy of its clients.”

Newuskin spokesperson Yvonne Masters says the company is reviewing the incident and working with officials in the case. “We take client privacy very seriously, and have temporarily halted treatments at the Kokua Wellness Center until a thorough review of safety, and security procedures can be completed. We can only imagine what the Stonegates have been through and assure others that we are doing everything at our disposal to make sure that their personal data is secure. We are just thankful that the outcome, in this case, was a positive one, and that the Stonegate’s were able to easily clear themselves of wrongdoing. Being accused of bank robbery is bad enough, but we want to catch those responsible before they do something stupid on social media, or commit some sort of faux pas on video, and do some lasting harm to our clients.”

STORYLINE

Camp Teaches Ultra-Wealthy Kids How to Stay Rich

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Their parents are some of the most wealthy people on the planet. They have become accustomed to living a lavish lifestyle, and a handful of businesses want to make sure it stays that way. They are the children attending this year’s Young Elite Program (YEP). Until the release of internal documents by VeilWatch last month, little information about the week-long camp for the super-rich had been made public. Rumors about lavish parties, workshops on staying rich, and even trips into space have circulated for years but were unverifiable until now. While the documents haven’t revealed much about entitled kids orbiting the Earth, they have revealed one thing. The hosts of the annual camp believe strongly that these children are the future of Hawaiian wealth and business. In fact, they’re betting on it.

Sponsored by organizations like the Kokua Wellness Center, The First Hawaii National Bank, and brokerage firm Pacific Investments, YEP is designed to teach these privileged youth how to stay on top when their parents pass them the baton. Part “how to stay rich” tutorial, and part networking camp, the event has always held a “conflicted” place in the hearts of many living on Maui.

Thanks to large corporations like: Veilcorp, Vereserum, SSHAM, and even Manimal headquartering in Lahaina, a global shift of wealth has pushed Western Maui into the spotlight. In an era of ultra-affluence, many companies are trying to cultivate the next generation of clients, and solidify already existing relationships. While the idea of a summer camp to teach rich kids how to stay rich seems, at the very least, to be in bad taste to many Hawaiians, Kokua spokesperson Yvonne Masters says it’s just “a reflection of reality.”

“One of the biggest differences between ultra-rich families and your average Hawaiian household is one of tone and expectation. Your average family passes down the same limiting narratives, and beliefs about money, generation to generation. This story keeps families locked into financial mediocrity for years. The elite, on the other hand, teach their children that it’s not only OK to want to be rich, it’s vital to achieving their goals and living a truly fulfilling life. They teach them to see the world objectively, not through the lens of wishful thinking. YEP is a great resource for these kids to help them maintain their family’s wealth, and reach their full potential.”

When asked about revelations that each child has their own beach house, and a full-time staff while attending YEP, Masters says, “We meet the children at the level of comfort they have come to expect. You have to appreciate that most of our attendees are constantly surrounded by help to attend to their needs. These kids get Nuuskin treatments, and a whole new dermal layer, when they get acne. They have garages full of cars, and access to exclusive cutting-edge ceremplant software. We believe the perks we provide are a good reminder of what they deserve, and what they need to strive to preserve.”

However, if you ask the general public about what they think about YEP, you hear a very different story. Many native Hawaiians in particular, have strong negative feelings about the program, which have only been fueled by the recent VeilWatch document dump. The watchdog group’s founder Tim Durney claims the program is, “disgusting and completely counter to the Hawaiian spirit.” Instead of a program designed to help tomorrow’s potential leaders, Durney calls YEP “an institutional fattening of the overindulged and entitled.”

“It all started with Veilcorp money and influence transforming Maui into what it is now. We’re talking about kids who think it’s alright to buy new clothes when theirs get dirty, and new cars when they’re tired of the color. We’ve long know that the children of the upper echelon at Veilcorp are used to round-the-clock security teams, access to personal submarines, and emergency veils installed in their homes, but we now know it’s nothing compared to what these YEP kids get during the event. They have individual personal chefs, valets, stylists, and something called “personal brand specialists.” Purified glacial water is veiled in for them to shower with. We’re talking about kids who are learning they can do, and get anything they want. They have the actual voice actors brought in so they can partially read their lines, while the kids skip ahead playing their video games. The message YEP is giving these kids is clear. You are better than everyone else. You can do what you want without regard to your fellow man, and you don’t need to change if you can change the world around you. I’m not sure what part of the aloha spirit that represents. I hate to think what will happen to these kids if they had to live through some sort of life altering event.”

STORYLINE

Reparre Biologic and Newuskin Announce Partnership

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Reparre Biologic and Newuskin turned the biotech industry on its ear today by announcing a new partnership. Long-time rivals, the Vereserum subsidiary and the medical tech company announced a number of new initiatives and unveiled the fruits of a secret 5-year project; a panther chameleon named Merlin. Known for their vibrant patterns and rapid color-changing ability, panther chameleons are the true masters of camouflage among reptiles. The companies demonstrated the lizard’s increased color pallet and almost instantaneous changing ability, but it was Merlin’s age that was the big story of the day. Panther chameleons have an extremely short lifespan, living only a year on average. Merlin is over 6-years-old.

They are calling the process “Tailored Cellular Optimization” (TCO) and they say it will revolutionizing everything about caring for your pet and the farming industry. Animal husbandry and breeding programs are a big business. Cattle farming alone generated over $100 billion last year in the U.S. and that number is supposed to rise 3.5% this year. Reparre’s President Shawn Hastings says that the process will quickly change the industry in a profound way.

“Selective breeding is as much an art as a science. For thousands of years we’ve been judging stock by eye. Only recently have we been able to actually look at genes of champion lines but that technology is still a blunt instrument. One of the biggest problems was preserving characteristics through lines and limiting genetic drift. TCO takes away that problem. Not only can we quickly maximize the already good genetics of a champion bull for example, but we can greatly extend that bull’s life. Extending the lifespan of champion stock would be a big boon to the industry and help reduce the environmental impact of animal agriculture. It’s not just farming either. Most race horses retire before they are 10. Imagine how valuable a champion would be after racing 40-50 years.”

Details of the TCO process were scant and the companies are remaining tight-lipped about the specifics. Newuskin spokeswoman Yvonne Masters says that you don’t have to be a farmer to make use of the new technology. She announced that a pilot pet program was being launched at the Kokua Pet Rejuvenation Center and Spaw.

“TCO is the ultimate way to pamper you pet. You can still get the pet services you’ve come to expect from the center including: shed resistant hair, iridescent and bioluminescent fur upgrades, and pest repellent skin.Those procedures have just been optimized with the addition of Reparre’s tailored DNA technology. Instead of using a generic breed model as a baseline, we can use specific cells from your furry friends, making each procedure truly unique. Losing a pet can be a very traumatic experience and being forced to watch a trusted companion grow old can be very off-putting. Thanks to our new TCO process there is no reason your 4-legged loved one can always be by your side. Dog owners can expect at least 60-year lifespans with regular treatments.”

Not everyone shares Ms. Masters enthusiasm about the procedure, however. Sebastian Malu, founder of The Eternal Cycle Church, and long-time Newuskin critic says the new procedure is an affront to the Universe itself.

“You don’t have to be a diviner to see where this is going to lead. First people are going to deny the Universe of the vibrational energy that these pets passing would provide, and keep them from reaching a higher state. Before long they are going to try the same with people. The Universe already has a perfect rule book written in our bodies by the creator. Believing that we can rewrite portions of that book to suit our needs is the height of narcissism and sure to bring about serious repercussions. People are meant to learn their life lessons and complete their journeys within a set timeframe before beginning their journeys again. We are not equipped to significantly extend our explorations in this realm.”

Despite Malu’s cryptic concerns, the companies say they have no plans to offer TCO treatments to people. “We’re a long way from doing human trials, and frankly anytime you start working on ways to produce genetically perfect humans you start getting into some really precarious territory. I think we have enough on our plates with our current goals,” says Hastings.

Still, considering the amount of time and money spent on youth and health procedures globally, one wonders how long we will be content to only let animals drink from this technological fountain of youth. The Kokua Pet Rejuvenation Center is set to begin the new TCO treatments next month and the waitlist is sure to be long. Masters suggests that people interested in the new procedure sign their pets up for the pre-screening process now.

STORYLINE

Permanent Perfume Trial Cancelled Over Side Effects and Health Concerns

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The FDA has ordered a trial involving a new controversial Newuskin procedure shutdown, out of concerns over the procedure’s safety and possible long-lasting side effects. The Permaroma procedure promised patients that their bodies would produce an enduring, personally-tailored smell, removing the need to apply perfume or cologne. While most involved in the Lahaina trials reported no serious side effects, the FDA expressed concerns over a few recipients who suffered major issues involving the Permaroma treatment. Newuskin points out that none of the reported side effects are life-threatening, and says they will support those suffering adversely from the procedure.

For decades people on the go, or just wanting to avoid hours of makeup application, have opted for permanent makeup treatments. Mimicking the look of freshly applied lipstick, eyebrow pencil, lip liner, or eyeliner through a process similar to tattooing, permanent makeup treatments are relatively common these days. The Permaroma procedure was designed to be the next logical step in permanent beauty treatments. Recipients would no longer need to “freshen up” their perfume during the day or between events because their own sweat glands would produce a custom-made scent throughout the day.

Unfortunately, the procedure has not gone as planned in all cases. The most commonly reported issue revolves around the scent itself. Newuskin says that each patient is given a detailed questionnaire to identify their olfactory preferences, and their personal chemistry is carefully studied to match with the most appropriate individual scents. Nonetheless, the procedure does not always hit the mark. Instead of being surrounded by the smell of citrus, vanilla, or flowers, some have found themselves producing smells like: bleach, garlic, sour milk, rotting meat, sulphur, mildew, and even burnt toast. While giving off a bad smell is not life-threatening, it can be socially crippling to those unlucky enough to involuntarily produce them.

“Despite this setback, we believe strongly in the future of Permaroma,” says Newuskin spokesperson Yvonne Masters. “We obviously feel terrible for anyone suffering any ill-effects and are working with them to resolve the matter as quickly as we can. However, I think we should be careful not to throw out the baby with the bathwater in this case. There is no doubt that having your body naturally give off the perfect smell throughout the day is amazing. It saves time and worry, but we think the future of Permaroma goes much further than that. We believe we are close to unlocking the full potential of one of the last mysteries of the body, human pheromones. Imagine if you could literally give off the smell of confidence, calm your children with your scent, or let that special someone know just how much you appreciate them with a sniff. It is our belief that we are on the verge of opening up an entirely new form of human communication, but first we need to better understand why the procedure makes some people smell like garbage. I’m confident we will.”

While giving off a bad smell is the most common negative side effect, it is not the only one. A handful seem to more readily produce their personalized scent than normal. For these patients, the outcome can be just as bad. Scott Stonegate says he and his wife Elizabeth were excited when they learned that she had been accepted into the Permaroma trial, but that excitement turned into embarrassment and regret soon after the procedure.

“It was all Elizabeth could talk about in the days leading up to the treatment, and I was happy that half the bathroom counter wouldn’t be filled with tiny glass bottles anymore. It didn’t take long for the Permaroma procedure to be completed, or for the trouble to start. It was kind of hot that day, and within a few minutes the entire interior of the car reeked of night jasmine. We had to open the windows it got so bad. Things seemed fine when we got home, and we wrote off the incident as a fluke until that night.

I woke up coughing and choking. It was like I had been shot in the face with a lavender cannon. I could see she was having a bad dream, and I felt like I was in a nightmare too. The smell was so strong I could taste it sticking to the roof of my mouth. I shook her shoulders and tried to say her name but it was thick in there, and I had to get out of the room. It got a little better when she got up, but our problems weren’t over yet.

We decided to walk around the neighborhood to clear our minds and sinuses, but as the sun rose in the sky, so did the smell again. Before long, Elizabeth was dragging a trail of citrus and shame many yards behind us. It sounds strange, but I swear all the hyacinth blooms in the neighborhood seemed more fragrant when we walked by, like they were trying to compete with Elizabeth or something. I couldn’t tell what smelled more, the flowers or her. I could see people outside sniffing the air, long after we passed. The warmer it got, the more intense the smell got. It was then that we figured out that anytime she was upset or got too warm, the smell would just go off the charts.

It’s been hard. I’m sleeping on the couch most nights, and we’re forced to keep the house at 60 degrees or the smell gets too strong to stay inside. Elizabeth doesn’t want to do anything but tend to the flower garden. She doesn’t go anywhere because she’s embarrassed, and being embarrassed just makes the smell worse. We’re hopeful that they’ll figure it out, and Newuskin has been very proactive in resolving the issue, but it’s been exhausting emotionally. I’m not sure that we’ll ever get the smell out of my car’s upholstery, and we’ve had to throw away numerous sets of sheets. I guess It’s been hard on Elizabeth too. Who knew that wanting to always smell good, could feel so bad.”

STORYLINE

Officials Order Kokua Wellness Center’s “Product Integrity” System Taken Offline

After a recent round of complaints, including an incident involving an incapacitated teen, officials have ordered the Kokua Wellness Center and Spa to shutdown their controversial new product integrity system. The spa says they need the technology to protect their brand, by eliminating any counterfeit or unapproved products from entering their facility. However, Mayor Albert Cravalho says that numerous complaints and a handful of injuries, prove that the system is not yet ready and a danger to the public.

Kokua began using the Standards and Loyalty Assurance Program (SLAP) early last month to protect the spa from “the introduction of products that don’t meet the rigorous physical and spiritual standards of the Kokua Wellness Center.” Signs were erected warning passerbys to stay at least twenty feet away from the property, and customers were warned that Kokua would no longer accept items not purchased at the spa, or previously cleared.

The backlash from the community was almost immediate, with numerous complaints about residents receiving electrical shocks from the system’s integrated drones for getting too close to the front door. In addition, reports of SLAP harming birds who flew over the wellness center flooded the Department of Land and Natural Resources (DLNR). Numerous officers reported that the spas front garden was often covered in dazed terns and convulsing shearwaters. The last straw for officials came when SLAP drones went beyond their set perimeter, and harassed motorists driving by, attempting to destroy non-approved cosmetics detected inside vehicles.

Mayor Cravalho says, “While the Kokua Wellness Center is one of the jewels in Lahaina’s crown, it is clear that this new SLAP system is a slap in the face to the aloha spirit that is at the heart of this town. I appreciate their concerns about protecting their profits, but assaulting people with electricity is not the way to do it. If the management can’t see the wisdom of shutting it down, I’ll do it for them.”

Kokua spokesperson Yvonne Masters says the system isn’t just about protecting profits, although that certainly is a concern. It’s about preserving the integrity of Kokua products, and making sure customers look and feel their best when they leave.

“Last year counterfeit products cost over $2 trillion globally. That number is striking, and certainly a concern of ours, but the real danger to us is the terrible efficacy of faux items reflecting poorly on the center. We take great pride in only offering the finest natural products, providing customers a level of spiritual harmony and fitness that is unatainable with lesser products. Whether it’s our: lotions, exfoliates, specially heated stones, yoga mats, or even towels, Kokua products are the finest money can buy. We’ve seen in the past few years just how terrible knockoff products can be for beauty outcomes and health. While we can’t stop people from cheapening themselves at home, we can assure that nobody cheapens our treatments with forbidden lotion hidden in their bag, or a subpar mat in their lava yoga class.

Our area cosmetic policing and denial system is able to identify banned cosmetics, forbidden clothing, and equipment with a high degree of sophistication. Once a contraband item is found the system uses a mild drone-delivered shock to “illuminate” the offender, and let them know that they should remove the offending cosmetics or return contraband items to their car. If they are not receptive to our message, the power of the electrical reminder is increased to protect the integrity of our center. Every new technology experiences some bumps in the road before it is perfected. We have now addressed any and all issues with SLAP, and believe that the order to take it offline is both illegal, and unnecessary.”

However, a recent incident involving a teenage tourist would seem to belie Masters claim. According to Carla Archer, her son Tim had been enjoying a cherry flavored italian ice when a SLAP drone mistook the red staining around his mouth as a type of banned lip gloss. The boy was reportedly shocked to the point of unconsciousness while his frantic mother tried to protect him, and contact authorities.

Masters counters that the report of the incident contains inaccurate information, and was a simple misunderstanding.

“We feel terrible for the Archers, who had inadvertently wandered onto Kokua property. Carla has accepted our heartfelt apology, as well as a complimentary Nuuskin dermal rejuvenation, and a suite of our finest products. Tim has regained most of the feeling in his hands, and should make a full recovery. Both parties now consider the matter closed. We only hope the mayor’s office will be equally understanding, before we are forced to take the matter to a higher court and spiritual authority.”

STORYLINE

60-year-old Lahaina Man Brings Lawsuit To Lower His Age 20 years

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We live in an amazing time in history. The integration between man and machine has never been tighter thanks to ceremplants, and with Veilcorp technology you can travel the globe virtually instantaneously (once you make it through the security lines), but turning back the hands of time is still a bridge too far, or is it? One Lahaina man says that for all intents and purposes he’s actually 20 years younger than his birthday would lead you to believe, and is suing to have his birth year officially changed.

Former Dean of The University of Maui Lahaina College, and current life coach, 60-year-old Brian Mahelona says he has the body and mind of a man decades younger and has the paperwork to prove it. Through frequent Newuskin treatments and controversial stem cell rejuvenation therapy, Mahelona claims to have “revitalized” himself and is physiologically indistinguishable from someone almost half his age. Now, backed with doctor reports and lab results, he is asking the State to change his age in their records. “You can change your name. I don’t see why you can’t change your age if you really are physically younger than what your birth certificate indicates,” he says.

Unsurprisingly, the case has grabbed headlines over recent weeks, but Brian is no stranger to being in the news. Just last year he resigned his position as dean due to allegations of inappropriate behavior and misappropriation of funds to fuel what reports called “a Newuskin treatment obsession.” However, no criminal charges were filed in the case, and Mahelona vigorously denies doing anything illegal. He acknowledges that he acted at times with poor judgment, but says he’s learned from his missteps and is serious about his case.

“I know a lot of people out there are thinking that I’m some crazy old guy who lost his job because he would show up at college parties, tailgate with the student body, say inappropriate things and spent every last dime he had on Newuskin treatments and tailored stem cell injections, but that’s not true at all. I’m definitely not old! I’ve devoted everything to rejuvenating my body and it has really paid off. I’m not just bragging, I’ve quantified my strength, potency, and vigor with the help of medical professionals. I feel like a young god because I’ve transformed myself into one. I can’t believe what I see in the mirror, and I find myself looking a lot. A man the age of the one on my birth certificate is limited. As someone in their 40’s I still have a lot of options when it comes to cars, dating, employment, and life in general. I just want the government to acknowledge what’s obvious to anyone looking at me, and change my date of birth.”

Newuskin spokesperson and Kokua Wellness Center promotions coordinator Yvonne Masters says Mahelona’s transformation is impressive but pushes back at the idea that treatments will actually make you younger. “There’s no doubt that regular Newuskin treatments will benefit your overall health, and have a stunning effect on your outward appearance, but make you younger? No, I’m afraid that’s something we can’t claim. We are in awe of what Mr. Mahelona has been able to accomplish through regular treatments, purposeful eating and plating practices, and his laser-like focus on manifesting his personal truths. However, I can’t say that we can reverse the aging process quite yet. On the other hand, if the State does agree that Mr. Mahelona is in fact younger because of the vitality imbued by our treatments….well that would be a different story. In either case, there is no denying the amazing results his determination and our technology have created.”

Officials say there is little chance Mahelona is going to be successful as there is no legal mechanism allowing a person to change their birth date. A Maui court is expected to rule on the matter by the end of the month, but the court of public opinion seems to have already come to its own verdict, and it’s not good for the former dean. Holly Kalili a Junior at the university and a sister in the Psi Pi Chi sorority says students were initially amused by Mahelona’s antics, but now most just feel bad for him.

“At first we were all like ‘Is that the dean playing beer pong?’ It was kind of funny I guess. He was trying to hang out with us and talk like us, but it was also kind of weird, like when your parents try to talk with you like they’re your friend and not your parents. It’s not that I don’t like old people. I absolutely love watching Malie’s List, that show where the old lady on her scooter crosses things off your bucket list. But she’s like over a hundred, that’s inspirational old. Dean Mahelona is just sad old. I guess he looks good for his age, but I mean 40 is too old to hang out at frat parties too. I just hope he gets the help he needs, and stops doing things that put him in my newsfeed.”

STORYLINE

New Kokua Treatment Promises to get You Sick Ahead of Valentine’s Day

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Lahaina’s Kokua Wellness Center is renowned for its lavish health and beauty treatments, as well as its exclusive clientele, but now a new offering is promising to make Kokua your go-to destination to get sick. Customers receiving the new “Rhinage” therapy inhale a viral-laden mist designed to “train your immune response naturally” and allowing you to “get sick on your schedule.”

While the idea of inhaling a sticky viral cloud may seem gross or even dangerous to most, spokesperson Yvonne Masters says the Rhinage treatment uses viruses harvested from a select group of people in a clinical setting, and is a safe alternative to needles and pills. Masters acknowledges that the idea of paying for what amounts to a sneeze in the face is off-putting, but counters that the treatment is all natural, and allows those with busy lives the flexibility of scheduling their sick days. She says,”Knowing when you are going to be sick is now among the many luxuries we can offer our clients.”

“Nothing is worse than being sick on Valentine’s Day, and there’s no better gift for that certain someone in your life than a healthy you. With that special day waiting right around the corner the time is right for Rhinage. The process is completely painless and takes only minutes. Our specially harvested rhinoviruses, from our exclusive pool of donors, have proven to be 95% effect after the first treatment, training your immune systems to be strong and resilient. The mist is warm and pleasant, allowing you the freedom of getting your cold out of the way. The world has never moved at a faster pace and you already schedule everything in your life. Now you can schedule your sick days too, with the help of Rhinage.”

Although the promise of planning your sick days like you would a vacation may seem intriguing to some, most medical professionals are skeptical of Rhinage’s safety, and its ability to keep people from getting sick after a treatment. “That’s not how the science works. On top of that, it’s just really nasty!” says Dr. Dalia Forsythe, Medical Director at the Lahaina Medical Center.

“The first issue is that despite their claims, this is not how vaccinations work. When you get vaccinated you are introducing a dead or weakened antigen into the body so it can build up an immune response without being overloaded. These people are using an active viral load. They are basically canning sneezes and spraying people with them for money. Going around and licking doorknobs would be just as effective. In addition, there are over 200 types of rhinoviruses, so if you really want complete immunity, you’d need to get sprayed in the face hundreds of times.

Lastly, as far as I know these treatments aren’t conducted in hermetically sealed rooms, and under virtually none of the usual lab protocols one would expect when handling live viruses of any type. This is not like one of those old fashioned chicken pox parties people used to hold before the vaccine was widely available in the late 1990’s. There’s serious potential for real harm here. There’s no telling what specific antigens have been introduced during storage, or are floating around in the treatment room. We’re talking about something that has great potential to mutate into more dangerous forms. This is exactly how a plague starts. In my opinion, Rhinage is a snotty time bomb waiting to go off.”

For some, Forsythe’s warning may have come too late. Despite assurances from Kokua that there is no evidence the treatment can lead to anything more serious than a mild cough, sore throat, and some congestion, Lahaina resident Gary Puniwale disagrees. He says Rhinage was not only NOT right for him, it led to some serious health issues.

“Like many I saw the ads lat month about Rhinage and how it could guarantee a sick-free Valentine’s Day, so I made an appointment right away. I don’t have the best luck on that day. To be honest it’s been historically disastrous for me. I’ve been: dumped multiple times, been in two head-on collisions, broken my leg diving, broke my clavicle falling off a horse, needed over 100 stitches after cutting my leg on some coral, nearly drowned, gotten food poisoning multiple times, and was bitten by both a dog and a pig on Valentine’s. I figured no matter how bad it got this year, at least I wouldn’t be sick. Unfortunately, things didn’t work out that way.

The treatment itself was a little repugnant but fine overall. They lead you into a little room. You sit in a really comfy chair while someone cleanses the air by ringing a bell. Then they give you a little spritz in the face with this thing that looks like an old perfume bottle. It’s a little sticky, but that’s it. When I woke up the next day however, I had a rash all over. I wrote it off at first, thinking it was just a reaction to the cheap laundry detergent I bought. But as the day went on I started to get the chills and decided to go home early and get some sleep. Next thing you know I’m bleeding from my eyes and ears. They think it might be a rare strain of dengue fever, but I haven’t traveled anywhere so they’re not sure. We’re still waiting on some tests. I had counted on a runny nose but not all the blood and IVs. They say love is blind, and I’m just hoping I’m not by the time this is all over.”

STORYLINE

Lahaina Inventor Makes Breakthrough In Printable Hair

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Medical technology has improved by leaps and bounds over the past few decades. The development of stem cell therapies has slashed recovery times and provided cures for once terminal diseases. However, one common condition has avoided an easy or affordable solution until now, hair loss. Famed Lahaina inventor Ano Lee says the days of just living with your thinning hair are over. Along with his partners at Reparre Biologic, Lee has made a printable hair breakthrough that promises to put locks instead of lotion on millions of bald heads across the country.

“It was one of those happy accident things,” says Lee. According to the Lahaina native, his breakthrough wasn’t intended to address hair loss at all. “We were working on bringing our cosplay to a whole new level and accidentally came up with a hair restoration revolution.”

“One of the most important parts of any costume is the hair. Unfortunately, video game designers and comic book artists rarely consider how hard it is to reproduce some of their looks. There’s no doubt that giant red hair spikes on your cosmic ogre look terrifying, but it’s almost impossible to recreate in the real world without costly and cumbersome wigs. I thought a lot about it during my long recovery from an illness last year. During my treatments, I was talking to one of Reparre’s R&D specialists about the problem and we came up with a way to print your favorite cosplay hair with a level of authenticity never possible before. When the company suggested we focus on “normal” hair as well for people going bald, I thought ‘why not?’

All a person needs is a hi-res picture of themselves and the hair in question, the stem cell materials from Reparre, and a 3D printer. The hair strips adhere themselves to the area once prepared and last for as long as 30 days before they need a touch-up. Soon it won’t just be movie stars and comic book heroes with great hair. Our solution is just as good as high-end salon treatments for a fraction of the price.”

Despite Lee’s enthusiasm, not everyone is sold. Yvonne Masters of the Kokua Wellness Center says, “Unfortunately for Mr. Lee and the poor people who have ruined their look with his sticky hair strips, you get what you pay for.” Masters cautions that hair is nothing to play with.

“Since the dawn of civilization hair has been a symbol of power and beauty. We pay respect to the power of hair at Kokua and only use proven Newuskin technology for our follicle transformations. I can only hope that the inartful placing and lack of holistic styling involved in this cheap and short-sighted practice don’t lead to irregular hair growth, social stigmatism, and tragically split ends.”

Masters may have a point. Despite a promising start to Lee’s pilot program in Lahaina, there have been a handful of issues. Shelby Pio, a resident of the exclusive Tanager Lane neighborhood, has been one of the unlucky few to experience problems with the hair treatment. Pio may not be who you envision when you think about hair restoration solutions, but much to her dismay her kids experimented with the system at a friend’s house with some serious consequences.

“We haven’t had the best luck with beauty treatments in the Pio home and I forbid my husband to bring any of that stuff in the house. I told him I didn’t care if he was as bald as an egg. The Pio house was not going to be part of any more experimental procedures. I didn’t want any trouble, but trouble found me anyway.

Our oldest was playing at a friend’s house whose father is undergoing the treatments. The kids started talking about it and my son decided he wanted to look older, so they tried to print some hair for his chest. I guess they did something wrong along the way and didn’t prep the area properly. Next thing I know the cat comes running through the dining room like she saw the devil himself and in shuffles my son crying and covered in hair. My mouth and heart dropped when he walked into the kitchen. I don’t think I said anything for a few minutes. He looked like a sobbing werewolf. There was dark hair all over his arms, up his neck, and all across his torso. I nearly tore my hair out.

We tried shaving it off but it keeps coming back. The Reparre people say it might be another week or two before it stops growing. Even then, they say he might have abnormal hair growth permanently. I get up 30 minutes early to help brush him out before school, but he’s still leaving hairballs all over the classroom. As if having a son that looks like mopey bigfoot wasn’t bad enough, our HOA president fined us for having an unauthorized pet. She wants us to produce a doctor’s note certifying that Eric is still human before she’ll void the infraction. Our life is a tangled mess thanks to this printable hair nightmare.”

STORYLINE

Lahaina Spa Offering “Prawn Massages” To Clients

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World-renowned for its high-end beauty treatments and a client list that includes some of Lahaina’s most influential people, The Kokua Wellness Center and Spa is not afraid to push the boundaries of health and wellness. The center was one of the first to offer cutting edge Newuskin technology to its customers, as well as providing many other exotic procedures designed to treat the mind and body. However, a new program has many questioning if Kokua has gone too far. The spa is now offering exfoliating hair removal sessions facilitated by giant freshwater prawns. Dubbed “Prawn Massages” by the media, the center says the sessions are “the most natural method of hair removal available” while environmentalists call it a potentially dangerous exploitation of an invasive species.

While the thought of having hand-sized prawns all over your body may make your skin crawl, Yvonne Masters Promotions Coordinator for the Kokua Wellness Center claims it’s an amazing way to get rid of unwanted hair and stimulate your immune system. Masters says the new program is just the latest to embrace traditional and natural methods of promoting health and beauty.

“We’ve been offering Urchipuncture sessions for over two years now, and our line crayfish collagen-infused health drinks has become one of our best selling supplements, but these prawn sessions are truly amazing. We use locally sourced Tahitian Prawns from crystal clear streams and an all-natural attractant cream specially designed right here at the center. They may be called Tahitian prawns but when you see how good they are at removing hair from those hard to reach areas, you’ll swear they’re from Brazil.

These prawns are truly nature’s perfect hair removers offering several benefits besides glowing smooth skin. Five pairs of swimmerets gently relax the mind with their natural rhythms, while five pairs of walking legs draw out toxins and exfoliating the skin. However, it is the extraordinary long feeding arms and specialized mouthparts that make these creatures a depilatory dream. It’s the most natural way to remove unwanted hair and available exclusively at Kokua.”

The spa claims that the waiting list for a prawn session is now over three weeks long, but many are questioning the wisdom of using an invasive species in such a way, not to mention the dangers of letting an animal with pincers work on your delicate areas. One such person is the DLNR’s Greg Ionia. While he concedes that the spa isn’t doing anything illegal, he worries about spreading an already prolific invasive species to pristine areas.

“Anyone who’s gone to a Spring event or a graduation party has seen plates full of these prawns. They’ve become a hugely popular treat, but it’s important to remember that they are not native to Hawaii and not particularly good for our native species. In 1956 state workers brought 340 of the prawns from Guam to Hawaii. By 1969 people had spotted the prawns in 42 different streams across all the Hawaiian islands. I’m afraid with the popularity of these treatments the prawns will find their way into our few remaining pristine streams. I won’t comment on the actual physical safety of prawn massages. I wouldn’t personally feel comfortable with an animal plucking and chewing off my hair but I don’t think anyone is in danger. I can’t say the same for our native wildlife.”

Despite Kokua’s reassurance about the safety of the procedure, many have complained about pinches, bites, and superficial scrapes. Some have reported other serious complications involving the spa’s special attractant cream used to help the prawns target specific areas. A resident of Tanager Lane, Shelby Pio is no stranger to the spa but says she’s telling all of her friends to skip the prawn massage after her experience.

“To be honest I haven’t had the best luck with beauty treatments but I was sick of waxing and laser treatments so I thought I’d give the prawns a try. The exfoliating and other health benefits seemed like a big plus. They gave me the cream and told me to rub it where I wanted the prawns to focus and to make sure I thoroughly wipe off my hands before settling into the pool. It was a little weird at first. The prawns moved a lot faster than I expected but in no time I was so relaxed it felt like I was floating. Once you get over the initial shock it feels amazing. It was so tranquil that I fell asleep and that’s when the trouble began.

I guess I didn’t wipe my hands well enough and must have touched my head at some point. All I know is that one minute I’m dreaming about angels massaging my temples and the next minute I’m waking up to find giant prawns crawling over my face. They completely removed my eyebrows and left my head looking like I lived through a nuclear disaster. The spa offered a discounted Newuskin treatment to fix everything but we’re not made of money. I spent the next month wearing wigs and drawing on my eyebrows every morning. Regardless of what they say, there was nothing natural about the way I looked once the prawns were done with me.”