Attention: Threatening lawyer people and their associates.
Thank you so much for your threatening eviction notice attached to our doors on January 29th. We greatly regret that you chose to make your demands in a letter, and not in person, as is the preferred method of negotiation among the Kanaka. We would have enjoyed breaking whatever leg you thought you had to stand on.
We apologize for taking 72 hours to respond to your demand that we vacate The Mission. The Kanaka are known for their pridefulness and their great bravery, but I have always thought that one of our greatest unrecognized attributes is our sense of humor and love of laughter. Your letter provided no shortage of laughter around here.
I don’t want you to get the wrong idea. These were not giggles and grins. These were body wracking waves of deep belly laughter. The kind that make it hard to catch your breath. The letter was quickly shared throughout the community, and the effect was the same on everyone: guards holding their stomachs because they hurt from hours of roaring, and elders holding faces cramped from smiling so hard. There was some concern that the letter was actually a weapon designed to weaken our defences because it was ludicrous on so many levels. Well, we are finally done laughing. Let us meet your uncivilized action with an uncivilized response. You are in trouble beyond a reasonable doubt.
We are aware of your earlier threats to the merchants over the name of the drink they brew along the beach. We have found your invitations to join your cowardly law firm, and we know you have threatened the Thrivers as well. You may have felt that you are safe running around Lahaina and threatening people up until now, but we are laying down the law. You have assumed great liability when you threatened us, and we seek severe punitive and physical damages. We have captured one of your litigators to help us draft this response, in case you respond better to legal language. He has proven to be extremely helpful, and eager to not find out what swims in the dark water beyond the reef.
For trying to enforce an eviction for a property in which you have no claim, SSB&P is hereby required to vacate the island of Maui within three calendar days, counting weekends and holidays. You will collect every scrap of paper you have brought to Lahaina, delete every message you have sent, and apologize for any inconvenience you have caused. By trying to assign to us some sort of vicarious liability, on a building that was owned before the fracture by one of our greatest heros, you have lost your right to walk upon our island. If you do not comply with this notice one or all of the following might happen.
- Any SSB&P representative found in breach of this order after the 2/6/2116 deadline, will be hunted down and driven into the sea. We will not use any of his or her equipment so no memory of them will remain after the sharks have their fill.
- For those of you who seek sanctuary with other groups, we affirm our right to offer a rich reward for your index fingers, and hang them in long lines, as a warning to others. It is our hope that the difficulty in typing future letters, and having to look at the throbbing stumps for the rest of your lives, will remind you that your claims here are null and void.
- Although we recognize the validity of contracts, we are not cowards hiding behind words like you. We fight for what is right. It is doubtful, but If there are those among you brave enough to meet us in battle, we will spare you a complete destruction of body and name. When you are defeated, we will listen to your appeal, and hang you like a deadlocked jury. However, we promise to keep the animals from your corpses for 7 days, as is customary for brave enemies.
It was once said that a person who is their own lawyer has a fool for a client, and your eviction notice certainly was foolish. We suggest you take advantage of our generous offer over the next three days, before we make you as null and void as your claims.
