Timeline

March 27, 2023
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The Iowa Department of Natural Resources along with Federal officials have called for a shutdown of a Veilcorp facility working on 127 “Unbiseptium” synthesis. A containment breach early today destroyed acres of crops and led to the mass evacuation of thousands. According to Veilcorp officials, the containment failure only lasted...
April 15, 2023
Four-time world champion surfer, Layla Kalani, had a close encounter with a shark during the Manimal Invitational surfing competition on Saturday. The battle between the Womanimal spokeswoman and the 8-foot-long tiger shark was caught on live television. Layla not only fought off the attack but seemed to turn the tables...
August 26, 2024
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A family who went missing on the Pali Trail in Lahaina last week were found safe and sound this morning thanks to the hard work of rescuers and a number of Manimal drink pouches. Max and Brenda Hower along with their 8-year-old son, Grit, set off last Tuesday for a...
April 5, 2025
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A wild boar attack is every Hawaiian campers worst nightmare. Such events are big news and they send a shiver down the spine. A 53-year-old Lahaina woman lived through such a traumatic event yesterday thanks to the quick thinking of her teenage sons and a little help from a popular...
June 15, 2025
If you love your family DO NOT buy this product!!!!!! I’d like to start off this review by stating that we are moral people who not only speak about family values, we live them. But this gyrating harlot idol was almost the end of us. My parents had planned a...
September 10, 2026
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The “Alpha Club” promised to provide fans a monthly supply of cold Manimal, and a chance to try out new flavors and products before the general public. However the company’s service is now under fire, after the contamination of a sacred spring North of Lahaina. Officials say it’s hard to...
April 8, 2027
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A Lahaina man remains in serious condition after his Manimal consumption left him fighting for his life, due to massive multisystem organ failure. While there is growing concern that drinking large amounts of energy drinks, like Manimal, could have long-term health effects, doctors say that this is the most extreme...
August 27, 2027
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from: Dr. Robert Coney to: Eric Oeming date: Fri, Aug 27, 2027 at 5:53 PM subject: Subject R2137 “Brisby” Update It has been a little over a month since we successfully used the gateway technology on Brisby, and the subsequent discovery of remarkable changes in the rat. She remains in...
June 24, 2028
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I have to admit that I was skeptical when I heard about Duracave’s new mobile bunker system. I didn’t think anything portable would be useful against marauders, let alone government kill squads looking for electronics when the rare earths wars begin. I couldn’t have been more wrong! If you take...
August 4, 2028
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The transport area looked nothing like I imagined it would. There was no hoop or archway to walk through, no door, or giant metal cannister that I would be lowered into. No, it looked just like a sturdy chair with some some equipment and a thousand tubes and wires mounted...
June 4, 2029
Tony “Half-Barrel” Kahale barreled over the competition at the world famous Manimal drinking contest on Monday, setting a new record. Kahale drank a little over 2 gallons of the popular sports drink in 5 minutes during the competition, earning him the coveted Red Bottle. His closest competitor managed only about...
October 13, 2029
I’m not sure I have the words to properly convey my disappointment at the short-sightedness and derision that I experienced last night at the radio tower meeting. It is a shame that a person can’t be forgiven for past mistakes (even if they were very well intentioned) and that nobody...
January 11, 2030
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With retro fashions in style again, and the resurgence in popularity of old music and art, many companies are cashing in on the public’s love of those days-gone-by. The question is, does that love of yesteryear extend to energy drinks? Manimal CEO Spencer Kane hopes so. This morning the iconic...
May 10, 2030
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The following is an interagency task force report based on actionable intelligence of Gaia Guard activity in the Seattle area. The intent is to provide background into the group and protocol for law enforcement interactions. Due to an ongoing government investigation we urge officers to follow these guidelines and not...
July 7, 2030
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Like many of you I was indifferent to the idea of running ziplines from the radio tower to key spots downtown. On one hand I thought it would reduce the number of lost ecotourists wandering through the neighborhood, on the other hand there were a bunch of meetings that my...