Tony “Half-Barrel” Kahale barreled over the competition at the world-famous Manimal drinking contest on Monday, setting a new record. Kahale drank a little over 2 gallons of the popular sports drink in 5 minutes during the competition, earning him the coveted Red Bottle. His closest competitor managed only about half that amount.
This is the 8th time Manimal has hosted the annual competition and the 6th straight time Tony has taken home the title. Kahale broke his own volume record this year by gulping down 2 gallons, 3 fl oz. of “Radical Red” in 5 minutes and kept the fluid down the requisite 10 minute holding period. “Tony’s maid will be ringing out red mops for a week after this win,” said a contest official. “His achievements speak for themselves. Half-Barrel doesn’t just look and live like a Manimal, he is one! It is our profound honor to award him with the Red Bottle again this year. He brings the sport of competitive drinking to a level not seen or recorded before in human history.”
Still, the competition remains a controversial one. A number of health and safety officials continue to be very vocal critics of the contest, pointing out the near-fatal outcome in 2022. 7-years-ago 3 contestants were hospitalized suffering from acute water intoxication and caffeine poisoning. The outcry from the medical community was loud and immediate. With the fate of the competition hanging in the balance, the public was asked if human life was worth a title invented by a sports drink company and a novelty-sized plastic bottle. According to Manimal officials, the answer was a resounding, “Indeed yes!”
“Unlike eating contests, the establishment media has always reported on speed drinkers with derision. However, history tells us that the ability to quickly drink a large amount of liquid has been held in high regard by a number of cultures. From countless nomadic tribes to the great Norse Jarl’s and the Roman aristocracy, gulpers were considered special. The turnout here proves that many of us feel the same today,” says a company spokesperson.
“We understand some of our detractor’s concerns and have implemented common-sense safety protocols. We now make all contestants sign a liability waiver that explains all the potential risks, enforce a strict time limit, and have introduced a 10 minute ‘holding period’ after the drinking phase of the competition. We trust that this holding period will keep contestants from ingesting an unhealthy amount of fluids. It is our belief that these athletes know what’s best for their bodies and the possibility of erupting like a human volcano in front of an audience will discourage them from pushing these limits too far,” he added.
Struggling to hold his award above his head, a somewhat bloated and obviously pained Kahale addressed the crowd, “This was my best year yet. My camp was terrific and I’d like to thank everyone who made this possible. Most of all I’d like to thank my fans. This giant bottle would mean nothing without you. I’d like to dedicate this year’s win to everyone who was ever told they couldn’t make it, that their dreams would never come true. I know what that feels like. Luckily I was born with an unusually elastic stomach and an unquenchable thirst for excellence. Some people don’t think that speed-drinking is a worthwhile goal, but I take this bottle and hydration, fucking seriously!”
Before exiting the stage he added, “I’ve only been drinking professionally for 6 years so I’m very proud of the titles I’ve won so far. I’d like to thank Manimal for allowing me to unlock my potential. I feel like we have a long and thirsty journey ahead of us. With your support, I will continue to power through the cups and competition. Give me a glass big enough and a table on which to place it, and I shall drink the world!”
