Hello members of the Aloha Shores family. Frank and I would like to take a moment to thank you for sticking with us through this tumultuous time. Your trust and determination has been an inspiration. Our decision to let you all stay past your agreed upon departure date has turned out to one of the best we’ve ever made. Being a timeshare salesman doesn’t always expose you to the best qualities in people, but you have all been great!
I was concerned when we finally ran out of chicken wraps, but I was downright terrified when the pinwheel sandwiches and buckets of instant soup were gone. We assumed with the continued WiFi trouble, and our inability to provide you the promised “Dolphin Experience” tickets, that the lack of desirable food would be the final nail in our coffins. Instead you all pitched in, and we’ve made it work for over 6 months now. I only wish that Frank and I could give back to you the kind of courage you’ve given us, but unfortunately we can’t. We apologize for the short notice, but by morning Aloha Shores Condominiums will be under new management.
You are probably asking yourself how this could happen, and why? Believe me, this was not how we wanted things to go, but when Big Bob Abramo tells you that he’s hungry for your property you don’t have any choice, but to bag it up and hand it over.
Those of you who were here for an extended period before the fracture have undoubtedly watched his commercials were he proudly claims: “Big Bob Abramo eats the competition!” Frank and I fear that this may be more than just a tagline now. When Frank and I got started, Abramo only owned a couple of condos along Front Street. Even then he had a reputation of being an impossible man to work with. Large, uncouth, belligerent, and incredibly sensitive to people noticing his gout, Big Bob was a terror. He went through agents like wet naps at a BBQ. We even tried representing him and his properties for a few days before Frank made the mistake of staring at his foot.
Eventually Bob applied for, and received a real estate license, vowing to put us all out of business. He would routinely show up to networking events, even though he had no intention on working with anyone. Instead of sharing leads, Big Bob looked at these events like a living menu where he could carefully decide which broker to swallow up next. He’d write down their names, and put them in his fanny pack like a snack he intended to nibble on later. After taking all the shrimp from the buffet table, and gulping any unattended drink within reach, It was common for him to stuff a beach towel in the back of his shirt like a cape and lurch around yelling that he was the “hero of holdings.”
While he made few friends, his appetite for property was remarkable and he soon had enough resources to put together an amazing team. It wasn’t long before he gobbled up almost half of the rentable property on Front Street. Even with his success, Abramo was still ravenous. He continued to consume the competition, and began holding private feasts after each purchase. In addition to his team, he would invite his next target to these lavish meals. During dessert he would have a suckling pig brought out, call the piglet by the guest’s name, and devour the whole thing to the delight of his team. As you can imagine, the word spread quickly and his invitations went unanswered.
Bob had been sniffing around Aloha Shores just before the accident, but with everything else going on my brother and I didn’t imagine that we’d have to worry about him. We were wrong. It appears Bob’s hunger for holdings, among other things, has grown unabated during the past 6 months.
You can imagine our surprise when we found him, and some of his new team in the parking lot this afternoon. Without reliving the whole thing, I can tell you that the experience was not a pleasant one. Many of them appear to be suffering from some sort of sickness, and Bob seems a bit bigger than we remembered. When Frank remarked about how substantial he was looking, Bob proclaimed that his size was due to a steady diet of Stewart stew, and handed over Mr. Stewart’s shoes. He asked how many meals we thought we had inside, and smiled saying that the number was probably higher than we thought. When I began to protest, he explained that the only reason he didn’t own the building already was that he was having a hard time finding a pig, but planned on having a plate of Frank or Steve very soon unless we gave up ownership.
As you can imagine we are very shaken. Taking into consideration how limited our resources are, and how well fed Big Bob still appears, we’ve decided to try our luck elsewhere. We are not brave enough for this new world. We’ve decided to take Abramo’s modest proposal and depart. I apologize for any inconvenience our fleeing may cause. We’re almost packed, and plan on using the cover of darkness to our advantage. We’ve enjoyed the time we’ve shared together but it’s time for these timeshare salesmen to go. If you can be ready within the hour you are more than welcome to come along. For everyone else, we would like to thank you again for being part of the Aloha Shores family. We wish you the best of luck in the future, but it is time for us to say Aloha to the shores!
Steve and Frank Lacey
Lacey Property Management
