STORYLINE

SSHAM Announces New “Regional Flavors” Product Line

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There’s no doubt that Lahaina’s favorite canned meat product has come a long way since Art Pua’a blended up that first loaf in his kitchen almost two decades ago. Hawaiian’s love of SSHAM is famous, and helped the company expand to the mainland, where it has become a guilty pleasure for thousands living on the West Coast. But what if the company’s famous shrimpy-ham flavor was replaced with shrimpy-goat or shrimpy-duck? Would consumers really go for SSHOAT or SSHUCK? The company is banking they will, and is set to launch a new line of SSHAM designed to cater to specific tastes and regions of the U.S. as well as the international market.

Whether you have a slice with your coffee in the morning, or diced in your noodles later in the day, if you live on Maui, chances are you’re going to eat SSHAM today. A recent survey showed that over 50% of Maui natives eat SSHAM at least once a day. According to SSHAM creator and CEO Art Pua’a that sort of brand loyalty is no accident. The company’s success comes down to listening to his customers and focusing on the familiar flavors of the island, Art claims, and now he plans on doing the same in a number of regional markets.

“We’re really building on the massive success of Pineapple SSHAM,” he says. “We learned a lot about the draw of familiar flavors to consumers. There are just certain things you expect to eat when visiting specific locations. Some foods and proteins are a part of an area’s culinary DNA. We’ve identified over 30 of these areas, both on the mainland and internationally, where we feel we can take advantage of non-traditional meats and tastes. You’ll hear the herds of bison thundering in your belly when you taste a chunk of SSHISON in the Great Plains, consumers in North Africa will be anything but gruff when they open a can of SSHOAT, and our Chinese friends will be quaking with delight with every slice of SSHUCK. By providing customers with the flavors they grew up with, elevated by the amazing taste of SSHAM, we hope to make our canned meat products a staple across the globe.”

While goat flavored SSHAM may sound strange to many, Pua’a’s plans are not that unusual. Many restaurants and grocery chains offer special regional menus and products in different areas and countries. Industry insiders say the expansion could be huge for the company if their products are well received. If SSHAM can gain a customer base internationally as loyal as it is in Hawaii, it could be a game changer for Pua’a and his employees.

Despite Pua’a’s exuberance, not everyone is sold on the idea of using regionally specific proteins. Creature Comfort Animal Sanctuary Director, and the man behind Lahaina’s park cleaning squirrel crews Brandon Kama worries about the animals planned to be part of the new line of products.

“I think SSHAM needs to be very careful with a few of it’s planned products. Conservation laws and practices can vary greatly in other countries, and they all don’t take sustainability as seriously as we do. Some of the flavors I’ve seen make my stomach churn, not because of their questionable palatability, but because of the undue pressure on populations that stuffing some of these animals into a can of SSHAM could cause. Take their planned whale infused product, WHAM, for example. The international community has clearly said that whaling is cruel and inhumane. Yet Art seems happy to grind up whale meat and put it in a can if he thinks there’s a market. The misplaced sea otter pod that has taken up residence in Oneloa Bay is thriving. What if someone decided their meat was delicious? Would we see cans of SSHOTTER on the shelves? I feel that the company should slow down and learn more about these animals and their populations before grinding them up.”

Some islanders have more unique concerns about the new SSHAM products revolving around the urban legend of the shrig. Glimpsea and YouTube personality Randy Wilcox has publicly questioned the expansion over concerns of new animal hybrids being created and possibly escaping.

“Shrigs are real and they’re no joke! My brother and his wife broke into the factory a few years ago looking for the shrimp-pig hybrids that SSHAM created to save money. Nothing happened to him, but my sister-in-law got bit by one when they were trying to sneak back out. She didn’t get a good look at it, but she saw a doctor and got pictures of the wound on her backside. One of them escaped and broke into a Big Bites store less than a month ago. Now imagine how much damage an armored lion, tiger, or bear could do? Oh my is right! You can’t turn back time on an angry Shear. I think someone in the government needs to take a good luck at what they’re making in that factory before it’s too late.”

STORYLINE

Parks Department Using Squirrels To Help Keep Lahaina Parks Clean

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With the busy Winter season just around the corner, Lahaina is about to be flooded with tourists enjoying the beautiful parks and sandy beaches. However, the cleaning crews at the dozens of area parks will look a little different this year. Visitors will notice dozens of squirrels around these popular locations carrying cigarette butts and refuse, but the Parks Dept. doesn’t want you to worry. The squirrels aren’t another invasion of non-native species, and they’re not in any danger. They’re working.

Three dozen trained squirrels in all will be employed to keep Lahaina’s most beautiful areas trash-free, according to Mayor Albert Cravalho. “Our intention is to not just keep our parks clean, but to show that nature is one of the best teachers. If these small animals can be taught to clean up, we can certainly teach our children to be responsible stewards of the land, and maybe learn ourselves. Plus, the squirrels literally work for peanuts. So far, they’re just as good at cleaning up as their human counterparts, and it’s been a hit with the tourists.”

The brainchild of former DLNR officer Brandon Kama, the squirrels come from his animal sanctuary and rehab non-profit “Creature Comfort.” With the help of the public, and donated veil travel from Veilcorp, Kama says he has been able to save over a thousand animals in the past three years. While Creature Comfort focuses on returning animals to the wild whenever possible, often the animals Brandon takes in are too hurt, or lack the ability to fend for themselves. Most of these animals are used for therapy purposes, but Kama says he noticed something about the squirrels living at the facility. “Whenever we took the squirrels out, they’d grab anything they could off the ground, and that gave me an idea.”

“Not many people know this, but squirrels are amazingly easy to train. You can even teach them to use a litter box if you keep them inside. People have trained animals to do all sorts of things over the years. They’ve taught monkeys to search for landmines, and Chinese fishermen have used cormorants instead of nets for centuries. I didn’t see why you couldn’t teach a squirrel to pick up a cigarette butt. I started off with the ones most food driven, and let their natural instincts be part of the training.”

Working in teams of twelve, Kama’s bushy-tailed cleaning crews have been trained with the help of an automated food bin. The squirrels receive a food pellet or treat each time they deposit a small piece of trash, or discarded cigarette end. Kama says it takes one of the squirrel teams about an hour to clean up a five acre area. “Sometimes you run into something that’s too big for the squirrels, and you have to toss it in the bin yourself, but for the most part you don’t have to do anything but wait. You don’t even need to pack up the squirrels if your next location is nearby. They’re so focused on the bin that they will follow it wherever it’s wheeled.”

However, many have complained in the past few months that Kama’s squirrels don’t always stay where they are supposed to, and that some have developed a taste for the nicotine in the discarded cigarettes they collect. In an open letter to the Lahaina Advertiser, one frequent park visitor said in part,

“…..I tend to avoid the parks in the morning now since I find the squirrels to be overly aggressive until they’ve found a few butts to chew on. I’ve seen them steal unattended packs off of picnic tables, and follow around smokers, chittering angrily until they can get a square of their own….I’m just thankful that they weren’t trained to seek out old beer cans, and liquor bottles, or by the end of the day, the park would be filled with belligerent drunk squirrels falling out of trees.”

There have been a handful of cases involving squirrels that have wandered out of the parks as well. In addition to worries about escaped squirrels starting a breeding population on Maui, the rodents can cause serious damage to buildings, and the island’s electrical infrastructure. Hula Noodle owner “Uncle” Ralph Umeke has had his own run-in with Kama’s cleaning crew, and thinks the program should be cancelled.

“I get that tourists get a kick out of seeing a tree rat pick up garbage, but Hawaii has had enough trouble with invasive species. This Kama guy does a terrible job at keeping these things under control, and it’s already cost me plenty. For weeks we could hear the damn little things crawling on the roof during lunch. I called to complain, and they came out , apologized and promised to not let it happen anymore, but a few days later we heard them running around again. About that time, I’d occasionally catch a whiff of cigarettes in the restaurant, usually in the morning. I assumed it was one of the kids I hired to bus tables sneaking a smoke. They denied it, but it was the only thing that made sense to me. Then one day a big storm came through, and I found out where the smell was coming from. I noticed part of the ceiling began to drip brownish water, and before I could get a bucket out in the dining room, a section of the ceiling caved in. Over a hundred pounds of wet cigarette butts poured out. The squirrels had chewed a hole in the building, and had been storing cigarettes in the roof space. Cigarette butts haven’t been, and never will be, one of the many delicious condiments you can get for your noodles here. This squirrel thing is the pits, and needs to be shut down.”

STORYLINE

Escaped Therapy Animals Cause Temporary Lockdown At Lahaina Medical Center

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The Lahaina Medical Center was on lockdown this morning, and sections remained closed for several hours, as DLNR officials and wildlife experts worked to capture numerous escaped animals. Those familiar with the case say a patient accidentally released the wild animals, including an adult wolf, from their carriers letting them run free throughout the facility. Hospital officials say patients were never in any danger, and all the animals have been recovered without major incident.

Brandon Kama, a part-time DLNR ranger, says that when he started “Creature Comfort” he was inspired by two things: “The great wolf rehabilitation work done by the Hahai Ranch, and Mr. Sprinkles, Lahaina’s most famous therapy pig.” Kama says, “Patients of all ages love visits from the sparkly little pig. Like many animals, Mr. Sprinkles seems to know who needs to have their spirits lifted, and who needs some extra comfort and reassurance. I looked at that kind of unorthodox therapy animal, and thought about how the people at the Hahai Ranch were rehabbing wolves and giving them a second chance, even letting some of them work with people on hunts. I just knew that I needed to combine the two. I thought that if I could use rehabbed wildlife to encourage sick and injured people, both would benefit. That was the idea behind Creature Comfort.”

Brandon says his organization has rescued hundreds of animals over the past three years, including many non-native species including: large birds, rabbits, foxes, squirrels, opossums, and raccoons. “Basically anything that can get hit by a car on the mainland. Veil transport has really opened up the possibilities for wildlife rehab. You can have a facility almost anywhere now.” Kama says. Creature Comfort rehabilitates the injured and returns them to the wild if possible. If an animal is deemed incapable of release, the organization works on socializing it for use in its hospital therapy program. “Patients like seeing and learning about wildlife that they might not normally encounter. It’s an amazing program, with a great track record,” he says. However, things didn’t go quite as planned this morning.

According to an anonymous employee, the trouble started when Kama and his employees left a lounge used as a holding area for the animals unattended for a safety briefing with staff. The employee says, “From what we’ve been able to piece together, a heavily medicated patient walked past the lounge with his grandchildren and noticed the animals. We’re still not sure why, but he decided that the animals needed to be freed. Dozens of rabbits and squirrels, a handful of raccoons, and an older wolf on loan from the Hahai Hunting Ranch, were released in the hospital. It wasn’t long before things got out of control.”

According to reports the wolf found her way to the maternity ward and took up residence just outside the birthing rooms, growling at anyone who tried to enter the area. “I don’t think Loba [the wolf] would have hurt anyone, she was just trying to protect the babies,” says the employee, “She was actually the easiest to deal with. They shot her with a tranq gun and put her away. The raccoons and squirrels were a different story. The racoons got in the ductwork and spread out. A couple found their way to the kitchen and wrecked the place. They chewed up trays, spilled stuff all over, and you wouldn’t believe how much they could eat. It took hours to find the last one, but by far the worst were the squirrels. Somehow, many ended up in a room with a patient who has a history of animal hoarding. We took three squirrels out of the room right away, but it turned out she was hiding them. A few hours later we found a few more in her room. After we captured all the other animals, we found her playing with yet another. We’re still a few short, so we’re not sure if we’ve found all the places she has squirreled away the squirrels.”

Medical Center spokesperson Dr. Dalia Forsythe confirmed that, “a few squirrels remain unaccounted for” but says all other animals have been captured without harm to patients or wildlife. “Today was a bit more exciting than normal,” she says. “We routinely work with a number of therapy and wellness organizations to improve the morale of our patients. We believe that the positive interactions groups like these have with patients improve spirits and medical outcomes. Even though today didn’t go quite as planned, we have worked with Brandon and Creature Comfort many times in the past. With some changes as to how the animals are stored when not interacting with patients, we plan on working with them again in the future. Although, we would probably request leaving Loba behind next time. Delivering a baby is hard enough, without having a growling wolf outside your door.”

STORYLINE

DLNR to Reassess Public Involvement In Turtle Tracking Program

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The Green Sea Turtle, also known by their traditional name, Honu, is one of the most important marine animals in Hawaiian waters. A threatened species, scientists have spent years studying the turtles, and trying to determine their range, but tracking one of the planets most elusive creatures can be expensive. That work has been made much easier over the past year, thanks to an innovative turtle “adoption” program started by the Department of Land and Natural Resources (DLNR). Members of the public can purchase a special micro-GPS tracker linked to their phone, which is then affixed to a turtle by conservation specialists. The trackers send location details in real time, providing valuable information to scientists. The program has become very popular, too popular according to some officials. Now, after a number of troubling incidents, including one adopter receiving an exorbitant phone bill, the DLNR says they plan to reassess the program.

Extremely popular with tourists, and an important part of a healthy reef system, the Honu’s are now returning to the islands after spending their spring in their traditional breeding grounds. “They are true natural wonders,” says Alanai Kalipalani, a marine biologist, who works as an advisor for the adoption program. “We’re talking about animals with amazing life journeys. Only about 1 in 5000 survive incubation, and only a fraction of those grow to be adults. Starting off the size of a coin, they can grow to over 5 feet long, and upwards of 700 pounds. Some live to be over 100 years old, and thanks to the adoption program, we know they make regular trips to places as far away as: Alaska, Japan, New Zealand, and even Chile. It’s no wonder that the public is so enamored with these amazing animals. It’s a shame that the actions of a few bad actors has put the program in jeopardy.”

Kalipalani is referring to a number of recent incidents that have some questioning if the program has become too popular. The DLNR says that they have responded to numerous reports of Honu harassment, as tourists and residents alike seek out turtles who haven’t been adopted, and attempt to hold them until they can be fitted with a tracker. Officials say that fights have broken out over some large turtles, as having the turtle that travels the longest has become something of a status symbol among some participants. “We actually just broke up a betting ring with the help of the Lahaina Police,” says DLNR Investigator Greg Iona.

“We receive an anonymous tip about illegal activity, but I was shocked by how large the gambling operation was. Thousands of people worldwide were betting on things like: longest distance traveled, which turtle left territorial waters first, which stayed closest to the islands, the slowest, first to lay eggs after breeding, even whether or not they’d be attacked by a shark. While that was troubling enough, the fact that you could see where these creatures were in real-time on your phone, made life very dangerous for the turtles involved. We found evidence that some of these people were delaying turtles, or even capturing them, and bringing them to certain locations to cash in.”

Officials say they are still running down leads in the case, and more arrests will come soon, but it’s another case involving the tracking programs technology, and a stolen SIM card that has garnered the most attention. Brandon Kama says he and his wife couldn’t have been more thrilled to adopt “Hele” a large 30-year-old female. “She was still breeding age and large, so we knew she’d take long trips, and return to Maui to lay eggs. When she left and headed North we were excited, but we couldn’t believe how far she went. All the way to California, and down the coast she went. Hele went past Baja, then past Mexico, and finally lingered around Costa Rica for a few days. Then nothing. The tracker stopped sending information. We contacted the DLNR, and figured she had been struck by a boat or something. A few weeks later, we got a $4,300 phone bill and figured out what happened.”

Investigators say that at some point while she was near shore, Hele was captured and thieves stole the SIM card from her tracking device. They cloned the card, and used it to wrack up an impressive bill, as well as remotely gather some of Kama’s personal information.

“We know that a few people where using cloned cards, and at least 4 individuals in Punta Arenas have tried to open up credit cards using my information. I really wanted to do the right thing here, but this has turned into nightmare. I wanted to help scientists learn more about these animals in order to help save them, instead thieves are learning all they can about me. Who knew that adopting a marine animal could lead to identity theft?”

STORYLINE

We Need To Secure the Computers In the Preservation Zone

from: Brandon Kama
to: Greg Iona
date: Fri, May 16, 2031 at 4:53 PM
subject: Securing the Computers In the Preservation Zone

Hi Greg,

I know I’m supposed to go through official channels with complaints and concerns but we have an ongoing issue with the Phxicom terminals out here that I’d like to get addressed. I’ve sent my concerns up the chain of command, and called the head Forestry and Wildlife office a handful of times with no response. I know you and Tom are good friends so I was hoping you could talk to him for me because I’m not sure the messages are getting to him.

In case you didn’t know, The Division of Forestry and Wildlife partnered with Phxicom last year to install terminals along the trails and key points of interest in the Preservation Zone. It’s been a hit with the tourists. A visitor who buys a lifetime pass from the Department of Land and Natural Resources gets a key that can be used at any of terminals in the zone. The key keeps track of where you’ve been and displays it on an overlay. It points out places that might be of interest to you and how far away they are based on how fast you’ve been traveling. They added a bunch of other features this year like a geo-location app so you can identify where pictures were taken, and a bird song identifier. Our troubles began soon after that.

We began to notice that a large number of guests had keys. That didn’t seem like a problem at first until the membership report came in and the math didn’t work. According to the main office only 13% of visitors paid for a lifetime membership. Then we got a complaint from a tourist that a key was stuck in one of the terminals. When we discovered that the key was a poorly made knockoff, my mind immediately went to Ano Lee and his gang of degenerate builders.

I don’t know if you’ve ever had the pleasure of going up there, but everything they say is true, it’s surreal. The first thing that hits you is the smell. It’s like someone filled a sweatsock with ranch dressing, breaded it with salt and vinegar chips and deep-fried it. I swear one of the cops I was with gagged when we walked into the printer shed. I know they have this fantasy that they’d be able to rebuild society, or would survive better because of all that maker stuff, but if mankind had to count on them after the apocalypse I’d rather swim out to sea and take my chances with the sharks. Of course nobody knew where Ano was and gave us the runaround so we kept looking.

Eventually we made it over to that dayglow nightmare they call the tchotchke hut. At least the smell there was manageable and you could barely hear the racket of all those printers, I can almost see why it’s so popular with the tourists. We started looking around and at first all we find is the usual plastic crap you’d expect. Then I started finding some really weird stuff at the back of the shop. They had a section of solar-powered toothbrushes of every color you can image and a waterproof toatser oven. I turned around to point it out to the police and noticed a box sticking out from under a shelf. When I pulled it out I saw it was filled with counterfeit keys.

Long story short, they made a deal with the prosecutor, paid a fine and ended up repairing some of the benches along the trails, replaced some signs, that sort of thing. I thought that was going to be the end of it but I should have known better. Over the last few weeks someone has been stripping parts off of the terminals and leaving some not-so-tourist-friendly images on the most visited machines. Whoever is doing it has been careful but has left a trail a couple of times. I think you can guess what direction the trails have led. I’ve called the cops multiple times of course, but they haven’t found anything up there yet.

I’ve been asking for more rangers to patrol the area but haven’t heard anything back. I understand that there’s budget issues to consider, but I feel like this is a great program that is being ruined by a group of extremely vicious and dirty ne’er-do-wells. I’m not sure if Phxicom has a model that’s tougher to dismantle quickly or something. This is a great promotion for them too and maybe someone over there should take a more active interest in helping us out. I don’t know. Hopefully you have a solution or can at least pass my concerns on to someone who does. Thanks in advance!