STORYLINE

Authorities Dismantle Massive SSHAM Money Laundering Enterprise

SSHAMs.jpg

Federal authorities say that they have shutdown one of the largest money laundering rings Hawaii has ever seen. According to papers filed on Thursday, the criminal enterprise laundered over $350 million in the past 5 years. However, it is not the amount of money that 40-year-old Alex Luahi processed that is garnering so much attention. It is the way he laundered the money, and the way he got caught that is grabbing headlines all the way to the mainland. According to prosecutors, Luahi was laundering money as the island’s largest SSHAM distributer.

Officials say the Luahi family have long ties to criminal organizations in Hawaii. Alex’s father served as a lieutenant in the famous Hawaiian crime syndicate known as The Company. For almost 30 years, The Company controlled virtually all criminal activity on the islands but was stopped in the 1990s. However, many escaped prosecution and some of the criminal elements that filled the void began their own enterprises, eventually becoming clients of Alex.

Authorities claim that Alex worked as a middleman for many years, holding stolen property and hiding vehicles in his warehouses before taking advantage of his job as a food distributor. They say everything began to change 5-years ago when Alex began to launder money for a number of organizations. At the same time Luahi began his criminal enterprise, his legitimate business was booming, making him the biggest SSHAM distributer in Hawaii. At any given time, Luahi warehouses held over a million cans of: SSHAM, SSHAM Less, and SSHAM Extra Spicy in inventory. However, Lauhi’s success, notoriety, and personal indulgences began to concern some of his clients.

Everyone on the island began to know Alex as the SSHAM Chief because of his lavish lifestyle, and his fleet of SSHAM styled cars. Insiders say Luahi would hold extravagant theme parties for friends and clients every weekend. Ice sculptured cans, SSHAM fountains, and grand buffets with the canned meat product served in every imaginable way, greeted guests and started rumors circulating.

It was said that Luahi’s office desk was covered in silver trays heaping with slices of pure SSHAM that had never seen the inside of a can, and that he was working on a dehydrated smokable version. Many other outlandish excesses were attributed to the SSHAM Chief as well. He made headlines last year when he donated all the SSHAM at SSHAM Fest from his personal stock. It was then that authorities began to take notice of Luahi’s operation, and his criminal customers started making their concerns known.

Things came to a head last month after 28-year-old Rodger Hihio crashed a truck containing 24 tons of artisanal SSHAM and damaged much of the load. For many foodies and SSHAM aficionados summer means one thing, the release of the First Pressing Reserve, the finest SSHAM of the year. Many wait all year to stock-up on the seasonal delicacy. It is not unusual for stores to sell out within hours. With the crash destroying around 10% of the total supply, the price began to soar. When Luahi announced he was personally keeping another 10% of the supply as an investment, the ensuing publicity was the last straw.

According to papers filed on Thursday, Alex’s frightened brother Craig came to the feds looking for help and protection. A quality control manager at the SSHAM factory in Lahaina, Craig claimed to have limited knowledge about the business itself, but admitted falsifying manifests and records. He told authorities that he and his family had been threatened and he feared that his brother’s life was in danger saying that, “All that salty-spicy-shrimped goodness has gone to his head. He can’t see past all the empty First Press Select cans anymore. He’s put himself and his family in danger over crazy parties and canned meat.”

The Treasury Department’s Office of Investigations (OIG) and other federal authorities say the arrests this morning are just the beginning of an ongoing 6 month investigation, and that more are coming. The self proclaimed SSHAM Chief Alex Luahi is facing 36 counts of money laundering and fraud. He is expected to enter a plea sometime early next week.

STORYLINE

Massive SSHAM Theft Ends With Crash

SSHAMs.jpg

An extended police chase through Lahaina came to an end last night, when 28-year-old Rodger Hihio crashed a tractor trailer, spilling 24 tons of stolen artisanal SSHAM. Responding to a call about a theft at the area processing plant, police soon located Hihio traveling down Front street. According to the report, the suspect refused to stop, and a hour-long chase ensued with Hihio running roadblocks and driving down trails in the preservation zone. The chase finally came to a conclusion when he lost control and crashed into the controversial barrier wall surrounding the Lahaina neighborhood of Tanager Lane, sending thousands of cans of SSHAM First Pressing Reserve flying through the air.

Hihio had worked as a fulfillment specialist at the factory for over 10 years and has no criminal background, but co-workers say he had recently became “troubled”. According to those close to him, Rodger had become convinced that a worldwide cataclysm was looming and that SSHAM would become more valuable than gold.

Hihio’s family says the trouble started this Spring after a trip to a family reunion. “He called me as soon as he got home, I could barely understand what he was talking about,” says his brother James. “I told him to calm down and talk slowly. He told me that he had a vision when he was traveling back through the veil. I thought he was playing a prank on me at first, but he was serious. He said the world was about to end and only a few of us were going to survive. He started talking about how important having water, guns, and SSHAM was. He said we needed to start stockpiling as much as we could. We tried to get him help but he refused to see anyone.”

Rodger began to share his apocalyptic SSHAM beliefs at work as well. Coworkers say that he would talk for hours about the antiseptic properties of the beloved canned meat product, as well as its multitude of other uses. Fellow employee Craig Luahi says that Hihio become obsessed.

“All he would do in his free time is read the SSHAM Stories page and take notes. Don’t get me wrong, I love working for SSHAM, and it is an amazingly versatile product, but we all need some downtime that doesn’t involve canned meat. Rodger said that SSHAM was going to be one of the most important commodities after the fall of civilization and that people would be willing to kill over it. I’m not sure who contacted HR, but I know management had a talk with him and he stopped talking about his beliefs during work hours. I could tell he really believed what he was saying though. That’s why I knew something was up when I saw him pulling away from the loading dock. All shipments that large, especially the premium SSHAM, go in the automated trucks now. I called the supervisor and she contacted the police.”

Hihio was spotted driving the stolen truck on Front Street within minutes of the call and police tried to initiate a traffic stop, but he refused to pull over. For the next hour authorities chased Hihio up and down the Honoapiilani Highway, down preservation zone trails, across lawns and throughout the Lahaina area. Stop sticks did little to slow down the desperate man. Authorities say they called off the pursuit numerous times out of fear that the suspect would injure innocent bystanders or destroy the load with his erratic driving and reckless speeds.

Eventually Hihio lost control trying to drive across a drainage ditch and smashed into the wall surrounding Tanager Lane, spilling tons of SSHAM over a wide area. Rodger was taken into custody after a brief struggle, and crews continue this morning to clean up the area. Authorities say that the damage could have been much worse and that the wall surrounding the Lahaina neighborhood “saved numerous lives.”

A SSHAM spokesperson says the company plans on strengthening security procedures and regrets that Mr. Hihio did not avail himself of the counseling offered. They add, “While Rodger clearly was a confused young man, he definitely had very good taste. SSHAM First Pressing Reserve is the epitome of processed meat products, and available for a very brief window every year. Thankfully, a portion of the stolen load survived the accident.”

Elizabeth Stonegate, Tanager Lane HOA President and Compliance Liaison to the Mayor’s Office, says that the incident was alarming but confirms the need for the wall around the neighborhood.

“I don’t know that there could have been a more perfect example of why we need the barrier wall around Tanager Lane. I hope this finally silences my critics. I know the police have credited the barrier with saving lives, but to be perfectly honest, I’m not sure. Who could see a smoking semi being chased by a dozen police cars with lights and sirens blaring, and not know enough to get out of the way? As HOA President what I’m more interested in is all the property damage it saved, and the preservation zone violations it prevented. My mandatory hibiscus planting program has increased home values at least 1.5% since it began. I shudder to think of the damage a semi truck with a crazed driver could have done to the lawns around the neighborhood. On top of that, the whole area where he crashed stinks. I’m sure we’ll have to deal with a few more seabirds flying over the area for the next few days. However, that’s nothing compared to the hordes of animals that are going to be attracted to that shrimpy stench. Without a wall to keep them out, our 100% preservation zone compliance rating might have been in danger. Thankfully, none of the landscaping was damaged by this lunatic and his truckload of fancy canned meat. This could have turned into a major issue!”

STORYLINE

Lahaina Man Guided By VNN Traffic Drones Leads Police On High Speed Chase

dronee.jpg

Lahaina Police arrested a motorist Thursday evening who ran through a traffic checkpoint on Lahainaluna Road, just East of the Lahaina bypass. Authorities had just closed part of the road due to flooding from the unusually heavy rains this week, when they observed a van approach. They say Craig Luahi, a 43-year-old Lahaina resident, drove up to the checkpoint at approximately 7:00 p.m. appearing agitated. Officers informed him that the road was closed, and he’d have to find an alternate route, but they say he disregarded their instructions and drove through the checkpoint “at a dangerously high rate of speed.” Police would chase Luahi for almost 2 hours through the rain, and over the trails of Lahaina, as he, and the public used VNN traffic drones to help him evade the authorities. Lauhi says he was just trying to get home to watch his favorite show.

With lights flashing and sirens blaring, officers chased Lauhi’s 2040 minivan as he sped East towards a group of county workers on the road attempting to flag him down. Witnesses say Craig shook his head, pointed up at a pair of VNN drones, and kept driving. The workers were forced to jump off the road to avoid being hit.

For the next 2 hours authorities chased Lauhi across most of Lahaina, and parts of the preservation zone, while he followed directions from the public, aided by VNN “Traffic Time” drones. From Front Street to the West, to Wahikuli Gulch, and South to Tanager Lane, Craig evaded capture driving though yards and down trails. He was eventually stopped when his van became stuck in mud while trying to cross Honokohau Ditch. Lauhi told authorities that he was sorry, but was just trying to get home and stream his favorite show.

“I just wanted to sit on my couch and binge on the next three episodes of “Meal Ticket.” They were debuting that night, and I had had a terrible day at work. I wanted to sit back and watch a bunch of people try to convince a billionaire that they’d make the perfect spouse over diner. You can always tell who’s given up by how much dessert they eat. Anyway, when I saw that my route home was closed I was devastated. I flipped on Traffic Time to see how many roads were closed and complain, when someone who lives on the other side of the roadblock said the road wasn’t completely washed out yet, and I could probably make it. I know I shouldn’t have, but I just really wanted to kick my feet up and settle in for the evening,” Lauhi told reporters.

“I watch Traffic Time a lot, especially on the weekends when downtown is packed with tourists. The real-time updates and user tips help me avoid the worst parts of town, and as it turns out, the police too. I couldn’t believe how helpful the users were, it was like they wanted me to watch those new episodes as badly as I did. They requested the drones move to areas I was approaching, and kept one on me at all times to help spot anything I missed. That allowed me to focus on my driving, which was good because they were leading me down some questionable routes. I eventually got stuck trying to jump a ditch in the van and the police caught me, which was probably best.”

Lauhi was charged with obstructing government operations, resisting an order to stop a motor vehicle, reckless driving, six counts of reckless endangering in the 2nd degree, and interacting with a Ceremplant stream while operating a motor vehicle. He was released on $50,750 bail this morning. However, many law enforcement officials claim that VNN is at least partially responsible for the incident, and are calling for new restrictions on the Traffic Time program.

Jake Tripper, VNN Vice President of Special Programming, says he was shocked to hear about the program’s involvement in the incident. “Traffic Time is about providing the hard working people of Lahaina with the fastest and most accurate information possible during their commute, and trips across the island. We are shocked and disappointed that our drones were used in such a dangerous way,” Tripper says. “We have always relied on the wisdom and speed of the crowd to help direct our drones, but it might be time to rethink those guidelines, as well as our policy to never delete forum comments. There’s always been some terrible things in there, but up until now it’s just been abhorrent, not criminal.”

For Lauhi’s part, he says he’s sorry, and has learned a valuable lesson.

“I apologize to: the police, everyone I put in danger last night, and everyone who’s property I might have damaged while fishtailing around Lahaina. I just got caught up in things. I’d also like to thank everyone on Traffic Time who tried to help me get home. We didn’t do the right thing, but it fills my heart with love to know that you would break the law, just to help a neighbor get home and watch his favorite show. The Aloha spirit is alive and well in Lahaina!”

STORYLINE

Man Wielding Leiomano Arrested Following Police Confrontation

melee8.png

Lahaina Police arrested an unnamed man Sunday evening, who they say brandished a shark tooth club, or leiomano, stolen from the Lahaina Museum. Officials say the man went on a rampage: destroying property, and stealing items from a nearby Big Bites store, before leading police on a chase through the museum, where he was able to elude capture. The suspect was finally arrested in the Baby Beach area after a confrontation that police on scene described as “terrifying.” The unidentified man is being held under observation at the Lahaina Medical Center pending a full psychological examination, and drug screen.

Craig Luahi says he had know idea he was going to be involved in a manhunt Sunday afternoon, and was just enjoying sitting on his couch, binge watching the latest season of Veil Sale. Soon after settling in, Luahi heard a noise in the backyard and went to investigate. What he saw was unexpected to say the least.

“There was a guy dressed in a Hawaiian shirt and a boonie hat who was trying to chop down a tree in my backyard. I yelled at him, and he spun around with an axe in his hand, and a look in his eye I didn’t like. He was acting real crazy, asking me what year it was, talking about the Veil Station blowing up, and the world ending. It really freaked me out, and I started to back-up when he said he needed some twine and wood to make splints. I don’t know about you, but when a crazy guy holding an axe asks me for something, I try really hard to get it. I told him that I thought I had some rope and scrap wood in the garage he was welcome to, and ran inside to call the police. By the time they arrived he was gone.”

Police say that soon after responding to Luahi’s home they received a call about a disturbance at a nearby Big Bites store where an individual matching the suspects description was threatening employees, and stealing items. According to employees the man seemed most interested in the store’s supply of SSHAM. “He kept saying that it was worth its weight in gold. Stuff about poison gas, and the world ending. I told him I was calling the cops and he better leave. He said the cops weren’t as bad as Trophy Hunters, whatever that means, but as soon as we heard the sirens he took off out the back door.”

The suspect ran several blocks while police set up a perimeter. Within minutes he was spotted running inside the Lahaina Heritage Museum, and a foot chase ensued. Despite their best efforts, the man was able to escape with a traditional shark-toothed club that was on display as part of the museum’s Hawaiian Ancestors Exhibit. Drones were launched, and dogs were brought in to help track the assailant.

Video footage of the man was sent to all social media channels, and officials attempted to find the suspect using Glimpsea’s Comprehensive Aloha Security Helper Camera System (CASH), to no avail. The search continued for almost eight hours before a terrifying confrontation with police led to his capture.

The arresting officer says in his report: “It was unusually cloudy, with fog rolling in, so it was hard to see. At first I thought he was officer Owano, who was also searching the beach area for the suspect. I called out but he didn’t answer. He just walked closer. I yelled again, and he started to jog my way. As he got closer I could see he was holding something large with both hands off to his side. I pulled my weapon, but I had waited too long. He swung the leiomano and one of the teeth caught my hand, making me drop my sidearm. He was screaming that he needed to find someplace safe to wait out “the worst of it”. He said we needed to leave him alone, and go be with our families. I tried reasoning with him, but he swung again striking my leg. I fell, and tried to grab onto the suspect before he could swing again. It was then that officer Owano arrived on scene, deployed his taser, and we were able to secure the subject.”

Police say the man refuses to identify himself, and his fingerprints are not on file. The leiomano has been returned to the museum where it will have to be repaired. The suspects motives remain as mysterious as his identity this morning. Officials say they are still waiting for bloodwork and his psych evaluation but it is highly likely that he was suffering from a severe reaction to illicit drugs, or from some sort of mental break. However, local author Kevin Morrow has a different theory. “Violent survival style video games are to blame,” he says.

“It’s amazing to me that things like this don’t happen more often. Some of these games can feel so authentic that it’s hard to tell the difference between what’s real, and what isn’t for some. I’ve heard stories of young people collapsing from exhaustion trying to collect minerals by hitting rocks, or trying to shape boards with nothing but an axe. I’m not surprised at all that the weapon was stolen from the museum. One of the most common tropes in these types of games is discovering a sort of armory, where an individual can find numerous weapons to aid in their “quests”. The museum exhibit must have seemed like one of these areas to this poor man, further feeding his psychosis. If we want to be serious about protecting museum antiquities we need to start screening people who play these types of games. I feel bad for this confused individual, and hope hospital staff have begun to transition him into shape matching games, exposing him to the joy of checkers, or a simple card game, something that lacks the power to inspire this violent “questing” behavior.”

STORYLINE

Man Who Set Off Massive Fireworks Explosion Files Suit

explosionn.jpg

The man who set off the massive fireworks explosion in Lahiana last month, injuring 27 people, has filed suit against the county. 51-year-old resident Randy Wilcox accidentally ignited the Fourth of July stockpile while participating in the cleanup effort after the devastating landfall of Hurricane Neki. Wilcox claims that the county failed to take reasonable care of the fireworks and is seeking damages. Nonetheless, officials continue to investigate him for possible criminal wrongdoing in the case.

There is no minimizing the destruction left behind by Neki, but the storm brought out an amazing sense of cooperation and community in Lahaina. Hundreds of volunteers worked to clear debris and look after injured neighbors in the days after the big storm. Randy Wilcox was one such volunteer and was working with a group to clear a road on July 6th, when they discovered a box of fireworks. Eyewitness reports about the precise series of events conflict, but there is no dispute that Wilcox fired the rocket that ignited the unseen stockpile of fireworks, lying just underneath the debris in the road. The ensuing explosion was felt on Front Street and could be heard in Olowalu, more than 6 miles away. While 27 people were injured in the blast, remarkably, no one was killed.

“Like everyone else, we had been working all day when I spotted the fireworks. I thought we’d take a break and have some fun,” says Wilcox. “We found a half-full fuel can a little earlier, so I thought it’d be fun to shoot at it. I didn’t know that the debris in the road was what was left of the shed where they had stored the fireworks from the cancelled show. I put a bunch of sparklers in front of the can and started shooting bottle rockets at it. It took a while for the sparklers to catch but once they did everything happened pretty fast. I remember the can popping and watching the burning fuel spread out and almost right away I felt the ground under my feet just lift up. My face felt really hot and the next thing I know, my boots are smoking and I’m flying through air. This was not the first time I’d been accidentally launched somewhere, but this time I was spinning around like a frisbee. I knew I was in trouble. I ended up crashing through the front window of a house nearby where my new hero Craig Luahi saved my life. If he hadn’t been sitting on the couch right where I landed to cushion my impact, I might not be here today. I feel awful that he’s still recovering from his injuries but I thank him and the man upstairs for looking out for me. I just wish they had been more careful with how and where they stored the fireworks, someone could have died because of their carelessness.“

Luahi disagrees strongly with Wilcox’s take on the situation and is suing him for his injuries and the loss of his couch. “Like a lot of others I was just happy to have made it through the storm unharmed. The house had a little bit of roof damage but nothing major. Best of all, my couch hadn’t even gotten wet. We’d already been through a lot together. It was the first big thing I had bought for my first apartment. It wasn’t new or anything but it was the nicest thing I had. Even though I was eating off of TV trays and using milk crates for end tables, I always had that couch to sit on. I worked during the day, went to class every night for years and that couch was my bed when I was too tired to move. I learned that I was going to be a father for the first time resting on those cushions. I was sitting in the same place when I heard that my grandma passed away. That couch and I shared 20 years of life and now we had even made it through a hurricane together. I had just opened a cold beer and took a little sip when I heard the explosion. It looked like a huge flock of birds at first through the window. As it got closer, I could see it was bits of wood and stone, with something trailing smoke in the middle. By the time I could tell the smoking part was a person, Randy was crashing through the window. I heard the frame crack when his head smashed into my teeth and we sank back into the torn fabric. My beer was knocked out of my hand and ended up wedged in the broken arm rest. I tried to reach it but couldn’t. I had to watch it spill out over the cushions. Because of Randy’s actions I’ve had to relive that moment over and over again while I’ve been recovering. I blame him 100% for the explosion, my injuries, and my torn, beer-soaked-cushions!”

The mayor’s office says they can not comment on the case because of the ongoing criminal investigation. However, an anonymous source familiar with the case agrees with Luahi calling Mr. Wilcox’s actions before and after the incident “disgraceful.” They say his claims are akin to “a drunk driver suing the Department of Transportation for crashing into a guardrail.” They add, “Clearly Mr. Wilcox has terrible judgement but you have to wonder about the decency of the legal team that would attempt to argue such an outrageous position, after so many people were injured.”

Kurt Bickley of Suter, Stine, Burn & Partners (SSB&P) says that it is Mayor Cravalho that should be concerned about the ramifications of bad judgement. He claims that anyone would have done what his client did in this case and that the county failed to exercise reasonable care of the Fourth of July fireworks. “Storing over $100,000 worth of explosive material in a $2000 wooden building, when a hurricane is about to hit is not just a bad idea, we believe it is a criminally negligent one.” Bickley says that in addition to his client and the 26 others physically injured by the blast, many more were severely traumatized. “We are exploring the possibility of a class action suit in this case. You have to remember that the incident took place on the heels of the worst hurricane to ever hit Maui. Many people thought that the explosion was a meltdown at the Thorcon plant or another terrorist attack. Frankly, Mayor Cravalho’s office doesn’t have the best track record when it comes to keeping the public safe and this is just one more example of their disregard for safety. We understand how tough it must be to have that kind of reputation in an area so dependent on tourist dollars. We’re confident that Cravalho will want to save himself and his administration any further embarrassment in this matter and settle with our client.”

STORYLINE

Booming Urchin Venom Industry Blamed for Troubling New Fad

urchin.jpg

The demand for sea urchin venom for use in medical research has never been greater, and few places have benefited as much as Lahaina. It seems as if a new extraction business is opening on every corner. The industry’s amazing growth (over 200% in the last 6 months alone) has spurred a modern day venom rush. With promising research on the horizon, it seems nothing can stop the urchin train. However, a troubling new fad threatens to derail the venom business in Lahaina. Called “lurchin,” people are ingesting urchin poison, and filming themselves engaging in physical activities, while the poison numbs their nervous system. Participants say it’s nothing more than some harmless fun. Officials call it dangerous, and an incredibly stupid trend.

Over two years ago, Veilcorp’s huge urchin restoration program was met with much anger and push back. Many felt the project was the company’s retribution for a legal suit brought against Veilcorp over the failed rail project. Mayor Cravalho himself argued that the program would ruin beaches and hurt tourism, but a lot can change in a few years.

When Vereserum announced the fast-track release of Echinodone last spring, the urchin business started booming. The powerful pain medication is incredibly safe, with almost no risk of accidental overdose, non-addictive, and derived from sea urchin venom. Instead of crippling the Lahaina economy, the urchin restoration project became an area gold mine almost overnight. It is that boom in the industry, and the availability of urchin venom, that some say is responsible for the “lurchin” fad.

You don’t have to look hard to find videos or pictures of people lurchin around Lahaina, and unfortunately the trend seems to be spreading. Named after the jerky movements the toxin causes, there are hundreds of videos showing people ingesting urchin venom and riding bikes, climbing, skateboarding, or even surfing as the poison suppresses their nervous system, sometimes to the point of temporary paralysis. Craig Luahi’s lurchin videos on Glimpsea and YouTube have been viewed millions of times, and he says there is a lot of misunderstanding surrounding the practice. “It’s actually very hard and takes a lot of brain power to pull off. Lurchin is not for the weak willed. Imagine your whole body feeling like it’s asleep. You can barely feel your arms, legs, or face. Now imagine trying to jump a skateboard, run across a beam, or climb a tree like that. What we’re doing is pushing the limits of the mind-body connection. We’re not just a bunch of idiots drinking poison for attention. We’re artists!”

Still, dozens have been injured, and officials say it’s only a matter of time before the practice leads to a death. Marine biologist and urchin researcher Dr. Alanai Kalipalani, says the trend is, “beyond stupid.”

“We’ve been deriving medicines from venom for a long time. Cone snail venom has led to painkillers, gila monster venom was used to develop effective diabetes medicines, sea anemone toxins have been used to battle autoimmune diseases, and snake venoms have been vital to the creation of amazing anticoagulant drugs. There just wasn’t a lot of work done with sea urchin venom until the past 3-5 years, and I think the results speak for themselves. I have seen promising research using urchin toxin to treat amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (ALS), also known as Lou Gehrig’s disease. It would be a shame if the actions of a few incredibly stupid people ruin a whole new avenue of medical research. Ingesting urchin venom can cause fatigue, weakness, muscle aches, shock, paralysis, and even respiratory failure. I hope this fad runs it course soon before it causes irreparable harm or lasting injuries.”

Local business owner and Dr. Kalipalani’s brother Ronnie agrees strongly. Owner of Ronnie Kalipalani Construction, Ron says that the fad has cost his business thousands of dollars, and him countless hours of sleep. Kalipalani says many of his work sites have become targets for people lurchin, and he’s had to hire security to keep them away. “I remember the first time we found people lurchin on a site. It was like a nightmare,” he says.

“Mike was the first to notice them when we pulled up in the truck. There was a woman draped over an I-beam, and some feet sticking out of the cement mixer. Another guy was inside the dozer bucket, still half on a bike. I didn’t see any blood, and couldn’t tell if they were alive or not. It was all I could do to get out of the truck and check them out, while the guys called the police. I only got a few feet when I saw another young lady come shuffling around the back, and making a groaning noise. I’ll be honest, it really freaked me out! I ran back to the truck, but the guys had locked the doors. Luckily she fell over before she got to me, otherwise there’s no telling what might have happened. When the cops explained that they had purposely drank urchin venom so they could film themselves playing around the construction site, I couldn’t believe it. I mean, we’ve all done stupid things, me included, but the venom doesn’t make you feel good or anything. If you’re going to do dumb stuff there better be a pay off. I’ve seen some stupid fads in my day, but lurchin has got to be the worst.”