STORYLINE

SSHAM Announces This Year’s Canned Holiday Feast Menu

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For some it’s when the first holiday lights show up, for others it’s hanging the stockings, but for a growing number of Maui natives, the first sure sign that Christmas is near is the unveiling of SSHAM’s yearly canned feast. Better known as the “Sheast,” the canned Christmas feast has become a staple for many across the island during the holidays. This year’s joy in a can features three complete dinners perfect for anyone with more hunger and cheer on their hands than time to cook.

The first Sheast was a surprise hit for the canned meat company a decade ago, becoming very popular with those who have to work on the holidays and don’t have time to cook a big meal. Originally targeted at the gamer market, the canned feast has changed every year but CEO Art Pua’a says the goal remains the same, provide a great holiday meal for the whole family in minutes. “We have 12 layers of Christmas in a can for hungry Hawaiians including all-new desserts and a bonus layer of yeast rolls by popular demand.”

“Customers will enjoy their choice of a pineapple-cherry jubilee, tropical fruit cake, or a gingerbread pudding this year as well as layers of old favorites such as taro, goose, balsamic glazed Brussel sprouts, roasted carrots, and two layers of rolls to help sop up all those flavors you’ve come to love. As good as they all are, we think the Shlobster layer will be the showstopper this year. It is exceptionally creamy and packed with the soft-shelled-SSHAM flavor our customers have grown to love.”

While the menu has many canned feast fans talking today, some food safety experts are second-guessing the company’s decision to once again use pressurized cans. Given all the trouble involving exploding Sheasts last year, safety advocates are warning the public to use caution when opening or heating their canned dinners.

According to public records, Lahaina area first responders went on over 50 canned feast related calls last December, with a handful of exploding mailboxes, kitchens that were described as looking like “something out of a horror movie”, dozens of injuries, and even a group of fishermen sighted for detonating cans underwater to stun reef fish.

Consumer safety advocate Betsy Kaukau says that despite SSHAM’s can redesign she is disappointed in the company’s decision. “I can’t speak to the palatability of this canned potluck but I will admit that the food inside meets or exceeds all legal standards and SSHAM claims that they have worked out the design flaws from last year but why take a chance? Lahaina had to deal with a literal food bomb crisis just so some gamers and Veilcorp employees could eat a quick holiday meal. There is no reason that the canned feasts need to be held under pressure or that we need them at all. Somehow these groups of people ate before this craze and they’ll eat again if these Sheasts don’t kill them first. It’s not worth the cost in my opinion and I would urge anyone eating one of these things to use caution.”

Pua’a strongly disagrees with Kaukau’s opinion saying this about choice and Christmas cheer. “The canned feast was created after finding out that 44% of Hawaiian gamers said they spend the majority of the holidays in front of a screen and hated having to take time away to eat. Soon, those who have to work on the days most of us spend with family and friends found a bit of cheer in our meals too. We’re talking about Viel hub workers, charging station employees, and the police. I think these people deserve a great meal from our family, even if they can’t be with theirs. There just isn’t a way to put this much food in a can under normal pressure. We’ve addressed all the issues from last year and I think most people know to take the food out of the can before heating now.”

The Executive Director of the Lahaina Cat Sanctuary Felix Popoki says he has no concerns about the safety of this year’s Sheast and is looking forward to trying the Shlobster.

“I guess the cat’s out of the bag on this one. A couple of volunteer scoopers and I will be dining on a canned feast this year. Whisker Island may be a cat paradise but trying to make a meal that doesn’t look like something one of our residents just dragged in is a big challenge. As far as I’m concerned the Sheast is the cat’s pajamas. With all the different options there’s sure to be a layer perfect for your tastes no matter what they might be. People ask me If I ever miss being able to get away from my feline friends and enjoying holiday time with my human family. I just say look into the bloodshot eyes of a mother on Christmas day staring at the pile of paper she has to clean up. Exhausted children fight over shrinking bags of candy and her hands tremble around her coffee knowing it’s only a matter of time before she’ll have to get everyone dressed to go see the relatives. Do I miss that? Are you kidding? I’ll take herding cats and my Sheast over that any day.”

STORYLINE

Lahaina Sanctuary Lets Over 700 Cats Live A Pampered Life

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Offering: clean water, good food, 6 miles of cat “highways”, automated toys, a drone cleaning system, and limitless petting, the Lahaina Cat Sanctuary has been called a feline paradise. Founded in March 2028 by owner and Executive Director Felix Popoki, and dubbed “Whisker Island” by its fans, the sanctuary is currently home to over 700 cats of all shapes, breeds, and sizes. One of the largest nonprofit sanctuaries in the world, Whisker Island has saved thousands of cats over the years through its adoption programs, and provides unadoptable animals a place to live out their remaining years. However, running such a large rescue takes a lot of time, hard work, and sacrifice. “My job is literally herding cats,” says Popoki. “It gets so busy around here that sometimes I wish I had nine lives to devote to the operation, but I’m proud of what we’ve done. I wouldn’t change a thing.”

15-years-ago Felix saw a need to do something about the growing feral cat population in Western Maui. A danger to much of the island’s wildlife, in particular many endangered native bird species, most solutions involved trapping and euthanizing the wild cats. “That was just unacceptable to me,” says Felix. So he took out a loan, bought the plots of land on either side of his home, and began construction of what was to become Whisker Island.

“Things were much different then,” Felix says. “I did most everything myself. I relied on volunteers for construction and veterinary services. I spent most of my money on cat food and litter. I’d be lying if I said there weren’t nights that I doubted myself while repairing a scratching post for the 5th time, but slowly word spread about what I was trying to do. Donations started rolling in, and when Veilcorp got behind the project – well, it was the cat’s meow. I thought all of our problems were solved. We were riding high, and then Maui expanded the preservation zone, and I was worried we’d have to shutdown.”

Many Lahaina businesses and families found themselves living within the boundaries of protected lands after, the expansion of the West Maui Forest reserve in 2031. For most, the stricter regulations didn’t change their day to day lives much, but for the owner of a large cat sanctuary, it meant hundreds of hours of structural improvements, and tens of thousands of dollars in legal costs. “We had to install animal friendly netting to keep all the birds out, and the fur in. We had to store the cat food and medicines in securely sealed containers. We had to ship the used litter off-island to be incinerated, and we had to install environmental cleansers to ensure that any disease or parasite didn’t make it off the property. If it wasn’t for Veilcorp’s donation, and all the volunteers who came to help, we wouldn’t have made it.”

Despite meeting all the new requirements, Popoki says he still has a contentious relationship with preservation zone officials. Elizabeth Stonegate, Compliance Liaison to the Mayor’s Office, in particular remains an ardent opponent of the sanctuary. “Dander Island as I like to call it, is only open because of Veilcorp money,” she says. “They have been cited on numerous occasions for improperly stored food. Anytime there’s a strong wind the adjacent land is covered in rogue feathers, and bits of yarn. I know that they have some sort of hi-tech litter system, but let’s just say you don’t want stand downwind of 700 cats, no matter how expertly their litter boxes are changed. However, for me, the worst part is the volunteers. They’re just what you think of when you think of animal hoarders. Old, disheveled, covered in hair, and I hate to say it, but weird. If I see one of them in a store downtown, I leave. I don’t have time to wait behind them at the checkout while they mumble, shed hair, pick through their loose change and coupons. I’m not the only one who feels that way.”

Despite the criticisms, the ten acre refuge has become a popular tourist attraction on the island. Last year, over 20,000 visitors walked amongst the animals, and the sanctuary hosted 18 weddings for cat lovers who wanted share their special occasion with hundreds of feline witnesses. Not all visitors come to play with the cats however. Just as many come to marvel at the technology. “Ano Lee was one of our first and biggest supporters,” says Felix. A fixture in Lahaina, the well known inventor has transformed Whisker Island into the most advanced animal sanctuary around.

“Every litter box sits on a scale that determines when it needs to be emptied,” says Lee. “I’ve repurposed my maintenance drone design to handle emptying and filling the litter, and distributing food evenly throughout the facility. I’ve reinforced the 6 miles of cat walkways connecting the various buildings, and attached tracking that an automated toy pod travels along all day. Every 3 minutes a toy is deployed somewhere along the line for the cat’s amusement, and we also have a number of laser emitters that randomly shine a laser, following a preset pattern, to help stimulate the residents. We have automated cameras that can identify any fights, or potentially sick animals within seconds. If I wasn’t so busy, I’d move into Whisker Island myself. The place is a paradise.”

While he’s proud of his 15 years, Felix admits that there is sometimes trouble in cat paradise. “Feral Heights has never been one of the better neighborhoods in Whisker Island, and we warn visitors to not loiter too long when passing through. Nonetheless, this year scratching incidents have gone up over 60%.” Despite the occasional setbacks, and the never ending list of tasks to complete, Popoki says he loves his work and hopes to eventually house 2,000 cats in the sanctuary. “I feel like I’m sitting in the catbird seat every day, and I want to do all that I can for my tenants. I just wish I wasn’t so allergic to my angels.”