STORYLINE

Aloha Shores under new management

Hello members of the Aloha Shores family. Frank and I would like to take a moment to thank you for sticking with us through this tumultuous time. Your trust and determination has been an inspiration. Our decision to let you all stay past your agreed upon departure date has turned out to one of the best we’ve ever made. Being a timeshare salesman doesn’t always expose you to the best qualities in people, but you have all been great!

I was concerned when we finally ran out of chicken wraps, but I was downright terrified when the pinwheel sandwiches and buckets of instant soup were gone. We assumed with the continued WiFi trouble, and our inability to provide you the promised “Dolphin Experience” tickets, that the lack of desirable food would be the final nail in our coffins. Instead you all pitched in, and we’ve made it work for over 6 months now. I only wish that Frank and I could give back to you the kind of courage you’ve given us, but unfortunately we can’t. We apologize for the short notice, but by morning Aloha Shores Condominiums will be under new management.

You are probably asking yourself how this could happen, and why? Believe me, this was not how we wanted things to go, but when Big Bob Abramo tells you that he’s hungry for your property you don’t have any choice, but to bag it up and hand it over.

Those of you who were here for an extended period before the fracture have undoubtedly watched his commercials were he proudly claims: “Big Bob Abramo eats the competition!” Frank and I fear that this may be more than just a tagline now. When Frank and I got started, Abramo only owned a couple of condos along Front Street. Even then he had a reputation of being an impossible man to work with. Large, uncouth, belligerent, and incredibly sensitive to people noticing his gout, Big Bob was a terror. He went through agents like wet naps at a BBQ. We even tried representing him and his properties for a few days before Frank made the mistake of staring at his foot.

Eventually Bob applied for, and received a real estate license, vowing to put us all out of business. He would routinely show up to networking events, even though he had no intention on working with anyone. Instead of sharing leads, Big Bob looked at these events like a living menu where he could carefully decide which broker to swallow up next. He’d write down their names, and put them in his fanny pack like a snack he intended to nibble on later. After taking all the shrimp from the buffet table, and gulping any unattended drink within reach, It was common for him to stuff a beach towel in the back of his shirt like a cape and lurch around yelling that he was the “hero of holdings.”

While he made few friends, his appetite for property was remarkable and he soon had enough resources to put together an amazing team. It wasn’t long before he gobbled up almost half of the rentable property on Front Street. Even with his success, Abramo was still ravenous. He continued to consume the competition, and began holding private feasts after each purchase. In addition to his team, he would invite his next target to these lavish meals. During dessert he would have a suckling pig brought out, call the piglet by the guest’s name, and devour the whole thing to the delight of his team. As you can imagine, the word spread quickly and his invitations went unanswered.

Bob had been sniffing around Aloha Shores just before the accident, but with everything else going on my brother and I didn’t imagine that we’d have to worry about him. We were wrong. It appears Bob’s hunger for holdings, among other things, has grown unabated during the past 6 months.

You can imagine our surprise when we found him, and some of his new team in the parking lot this afternoon. Without reliving the whole thing, I can tell you that the experience was not a pleasant one. Many of them appear to be suffering from some sort of sickness, and Bob seems a bit bigger than we remembered. When Frank remarked about how substantial he was looking, Bob proclaimed that his size was due to a steady diet of Stewart stew, and handed over Mr. Stewart’s shoes. He asked how many meals we thought we had inside, and smiled saying that the number was probably higher than we thought. When I began to protest, he explained that the only reason he didn’t own the building already was that he was having a hard time finding a pig, but planned on having a plate of Frank or Steve very soon unless we gave up ownership.

As you can imagine we are very shaken. Taking into consideration how limited our resources are, and how well fed Big Bob still appears, we’ve decided to try our luck elsewhere. We are not brave enough for this new world. We’ve decided to take Abramo’s modest proposal and depart. I apologize for any inconvenience our fleeing may cause. We’re almost packed, and plan on using the cover of darkness to our advantage. We’ve enjoyed the time we’ve shared together but it’s time for these timeshare salesmen to go. If you can be ready within the hour you are more than welcome to come along. For everyone else, we would like to thank you again for being part of the Aloha Shores family. We wish you the best of luck in the future, but it is time for us to say Aloha to the shores!

Steve and Frank Lacey
Lacey Property Management

STORYLINE

Don’t Give Up On Aloha Shores

Frank and I would like to thank you all for hanging in there. We understand that this is a time of fear and confusion for many of you. Heck, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little nervous too. As I’ve said before if we hear anything about what’s going on you’ll be the first to know. I also apologize that this presentation has lasted a bit longer than many of you anticipated. To be honest, I was only expecting to be in your ear for a few hours myself, and now we find ourselves 43 days in. Still, I think we’ve all done a good job sticking together so far and I’m sure the authorities will have this all straightened out in no time.

While we wait, my brother and I would like to once again urge you to sign your paperwork. Aloha Shores has been the hottest timeshare on the beach for years now and we’re confident that won’t change. I think demand might even go up once the turmoil ends. Look, we understand why you might have questions right now. You’d be crazy not to. We just want you to be able to make an informed choice. It’s in that spirit of openness and transparency that we feel we need to address some issues and give you a heads-up about a few things. I’d like to take a little of your time separating fact from fiction.

Fact: The Wifi is going to remain down for the foreseeable future. We apologize for any inconvenience this may cause but we’re going to have to keep it off for a while. We’ve tried restarting the router a number of times to no avail. Sorry folks we’d like to check our email too but we’re all going to have to make do.

Fiction: Frank and I have a working satellite phone. The phone didn’t work at all for the first week and now only makes a strange pulsing noise. As many of you know, the noise, whatever it was, caused some health issues with Frank. He is doing better now and I thank you all for your kind words. The nosebleeds have stopped and he is alert and oriented. We feel turning the phone back on is too high a risk for now.

Fact: We’re holding on to the Dolphin Experience tickets that were promised to all of you for now. You may have heard that the sea was boiling again yesterday and we feel it’s just too dangerous until we figure out what’s causing the turbulence. We’ll be more than happy to hand out the tickets when we get a better handle on the events outside and when the dolphins are feeling up for a little tail-walking.

Fact: All driving services appear to be down, even Hailoha. We were all encouraged when a car arrived the day after the Veilcorp accident. Frank and I assumed that at least the local transportation service was still running but it appears that isn’t the case. The driver who showed up that day appears to be a lone wolf so-to-speak. He was last seen heading down Front street with his passengers.

Fiction: It is safe to go outside. We may not know the extent of the trouble out there but we do have a couple of immediate concerns that we need to share. First, the sidewalk around the building was severely damaged in one of the quakes. There are a number of large cracks visible from the lobby window. The accessibility ramp also appears to be at an unsafe angle so please use caution. In addition, a group snuck out last night to go to the bar down the road and only one returned. Frank and I have long discouraged visitors from venturing down to the Little Grass Shack, but it appears now to be dangerous and not merely distasteful. We will give you more specifics once the survivor is able to talk again.

Fact: We have less than a dozen chicken wraps left. We all knew that supplies were going to become an issue at some point and it looks like the wraps are going to be the first to go.

Fiction: We are going to starve. This fear is completely unfounded. We have a number of delicious options available yet including: pita’s, pinwheel sandwiches, quesadillas, cold crepes, flatbread pizzas, buckets of instant soup, and a wide variety of canned goods. Did I mention that we have enough coffee and Manimal to keep us awake and hydrated for years? No friends, having an empty belly is not a concern.

I hope that clears some things up for you all. Frank and I really appreciate your time and continued confidence. We’ve done amazing things together so far and I hope that you decide to make it official by signing your agreements. We’d love to be able to call you members of the Aloha Shores family. Remember, paradise is just a signature away!

Steve and Frank Lacey
Lacey Property Management

STORYLINE

Popular VNN Show Put on Hiatus After Drone Crashes Into Condominium

A drone filming the popular Veil News Network (VNN) show “The Beach Report” crashed into the Aloha Shores condominiums early this morning, causing serious damage to several units. While nobody was injured in the crash, this is the second incident involving drones filming the show in the past month. Officials are still investigating the incident and no charges have been filed at this time. VNN has temporarily canceled the show pending an investigation, and the FAA says it is gathering information on the case.

Along with its sister show “Veil-Curious”, an arts and leisure show that focuses on bar reviews, embarrassing tourists, and the location of a particular Italian ice vendor, The Beach Report is one of VNN’s most successful programs, especially among the 18-34-year-old demographic. It reports on temperature, wave height, wind, and “all the weather and water conditions you need to enjoy the sand and surf,” according to its programming description on the VNN website. Critics however claim that in practice, the show is nothing more than a way for viewers to ogle beachgoers. They say the show’s real-time target voting has lead to frequent unsavory viewing and recent accidents.

Officials say that The Beach Report drone began following a group of tourists heading to the beach early this morning. After being followed for a few hours, they took a Hailoha downtown in an attempt to evade the camera but were unsuccessful. The group then ran into Aloha Shores to call the police. Witnesses say that the drone tried to follow them, hitting a number of units, breaking windows, and causing exterior damage, before eventually crashing into the pool.

This is not the first time that a Beach Report drone has been involved in an accident. Earlier this month the show was in the headlines after a drone reportedly collided with a tour helicopter filled with some of the day’s most “popular” beach visitors. The National Transportation Safety Board (NTSB) has an open investigation in the case saying, “The NTSB is aware of the pilot’s report that she was forced to make an emergency landing to avoid a drone, but the NTSB has not yet been able to independently verify that information.”

Jake Tripper, Vice President of Special Programming, says that VNN is cooperating with authorities, and is putting The Beach Report on hiatus pending a thorough investigation. Despite the pushback on the show, and how it is run, Tripper says he believes the issues can be resolved with software updates, and stricter safety protocols.

“Look, we’re just giving the public what it wants. I agree that these incidents are troubling, but we’re working with authorities and doing our own internal investigation to make sure things like this don’t ever happen again. Having said that, you would not believe the number of complaints we’ve had about the show being on break. It’s clear that the people of Lahaina take their beaches very seriously, and understand how important real-time condition reports can be when planning your day. If in the course of getting a good look at the beach, we sometimes include someone lounging on the sand, or playing in the surf, I don’t think it’s a bad thing. There are all sorts of natural wonders to look at on our shores. The show’s “Sunburn Watch” segment has saved more young, taut, firm, bodies from skin damage, and sold more suntan lotion, than any other show on the network.”

Steve and Frank Lacey, of Lacey Property Management, say they pride themselves in taking care of their residents, and are shocked about the amount of damage the drone did. “I’m just glad that it didn’t hit one of our residents, it could have been disastrous. As far as I know, our condos aren’t in any danger of getting a sunburn, so there’s no need for their drones to be so close to the property. Something needs to be done to make sure nothing like this happens again. Once is an accident, twice is a problem,” says Frank. Still, Steve has a somewhat more optimistic view of the drone crash.

“I agree with my brother about the seriousness of this incident. Nonetheless, I think it will be ultimately good for business. It highlights just how hip and happening our community is. Aloha Shores is the preferred property destination for the vibrant young professional population of Lahaina. I mean the viewers of The Beach Report wanted to be part of the community so bad they crashed a drone into our pool. We’re located along some of the most beautiful beaches anywhere. Our residents are within walking distance of world class cuisine, and a fast growing nightlife scene. Our units boast the finest in eco-friendly furnishings and accouterments. Our poolside furniture is composed of pesticide free, non-GMO grasses and vines. We serve locally grown and roasted coffee, a wide variety of free-trade-heirloom teas, and organic hand-seeded melons in our communal breakfast nooks. All of our tiki mugs are handmade by local artisans, and the poolside umbrellas are made from repurposed awning materials from some of the oldest buildings on Front Street. We care about what you care about at Aloha Shores, and it shows. We have a limited number of units available, call today!”

Officials say they are still taking witness statements, and going over the scene of the accident, but Veilcorp attorney Harold Breen released a statement this morning which reads in part, “We are working openly with authorities and are grateful that nobody was hurt in this incident. Veilcorp and VNN take safety very seriously.”

STORYLINE

Woman Who Embezzled Money For Newuskin Treatments Speaks Out

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37-year-old Megan Van Allsburg was formally sentenced today in Maui District Court for embezzling millions while she worked as the director of sales at the trendy Aloha Shores condominiums. Van Allsburg stood accused of a number of fraud related crimes including: selling units in a non-existent expansion of the property, and over selling timeshares, all to fund what prosecutors have called an obsession with weekly Newuskin treatments. After listening to a lengthy, and at times rambling statement from Van Allsburg, Judge Vincent Kalama upheld a plea agreement, sentencing her to 36-months in jail. In addition, Megan must pay back all the money she misappropriated. Prosecutors say they hope this finally brings to an end what has been one of the most unusual cases ever heard on the island.

You only have to look at how packed Front Street is on a Saturday afternoon to see how popular Lahaina has become over the past decade. While it was never considered a “hidden jewel,” there’s no doubt that the area has gained a lot of attention recently, and Lahaina is booming. Businesses are scrambling to establish a presence in the old capital of the Hawaiian kingdom, and homes are selling at all-time highs. It was this hunger for Lahaina living that allowed Van Allsburg to operate so brazenly according to officials.

Megan used her contacts, and personal relationships with tenants to convince many to sign fraudulent lease increases, but she didn’t stop there. Over the course of three years she: oversold timeshare space, convinced investors to put money into a fictitious expansion of the property, and even sold units inside the bogus building, all to pay for regular Newuskin treatments.

The story of the conceited crook made headlines on the mainland, and dominated the Maui news cycle. Van Allsburg’s sentencing was no less dramatic this morning, as the verbose criminal read a 15 page, often rambling, statement before Judge Kalama, and those in attendance. The statement reads in part:

“Despite what everyone may think, I share something in common with the people I defrauded, I love Lahaina with all my heart. But sometimes you do stupid things when you’re in love, as this case and my actions demonstrate……I resent the way I’m being portrayed as some sort of haughty snob worried about looking perfect. That’s not who I am. You see, I come from Dutch and Irish descent and have naturally very pale skin. My Newuskin treatments weren’t about looking pretty, they were about being able to go outside without fear of burning….

Most people can’t understand what it’s like having to slather coats of lotion on your body, having to feel like a cupcake covered in sunscreen frosting whenever you go out. I didn’t know there was any other way of life until I got a certificate for a free Newuskin treatment as a bonus one year. The whole thing took less than an hour. My freckles were gone, I had a nice tan for the first time in my life, and I could walk out in the sun for hours without worrying about burning to a crisp. I realized then that I had been trapped by my own skin for too many years.

Can you imagine what it was like to live in paradise, but not be able to go out during the day and enjoy it? I was finally free to truly enjoy this beautiful place. I was free of floppy hats, umbrellas, and staying in the shade. I could walk on the beach during the middle of the day in a flattering swimsuit, and not long sleeves with a scarf to protect my neck. I didn’t have to worry about getting lotion on my blouse or hair ever again. Fair skin may be great for princesses in old stories, but I was living my own fairy tale, playing in the sun without worry for the first time in my life…..I apologize for what I did, but not how I feel. Unless you’re a ginger trying to live on the islands you can’t really understand.”

Aloha Shores spokesperson Frank Lacey says they are looking forward to closing this ugly chapter in the community’s history. He points out that while management had signed off on a few of the fraudulent agreements, the investigation clearly showed that Megan acted alone. He says that the business is doing everything it can to accommodate those damaged by Van Allsburg’s actions and help address the medical issues of their obviously troubled ex-employee. “We’ve implemented new procedures to ensure nothing like this happens again. Our hearts go out to everyone who had their Aloha Shores dreams crushed in this case. However, we have an exciting new opportunity inspired by these unfortunate events for everyone involved,” he says. “We are pleased that the State has allowed us to help Megan continue her Newuskin treatments in prison, as they now have become a medical necessity. While we don’t condone her actions, there’s no doubt that her ideas surrounding this fake expansion were terrific. We only wish she had come to us instead of embarking on this criminal enterprise on her own. The prospectus materials and plans she put together were so great that we felt they needed to become a reality. That’s why we are officially announcing that we will be expanding Aloha Shores. We’re offering those duped out of their money, first crack at becoming part of our Aloha family, for real this time. Given recent events, we understand why some may be hesitant, but with all the media coverage you can rest assured that this isn’t all one big scam like it was before. Call or email for details and availability.”

STORYLINE

Coast Guard Rescues Tourists From Runaway Drone Ship

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A pair of tourists were rescued late Sunday evening, after the navigation system of their drone sailboat malfunctioned, causing the vessel to travel back and forth across the Auau Channel, between Maui and Lanai. The crew of a U.S. Coast Guard boat were able to board the runaway vessel near Lahaina Harbor, and rescue 67-year-old Jenna Karlson and her husband, 68-year-old Phil. The couple had been trapped on the boat since Friday afternoon, and were taken to the Lahaina Medical Center to be treated for dehydration. Both are expected to make a full recovery.

It’s fair to say that the Karlson’s trip did not go as planned. Jenna says it all began when the hotel concierge suggested the couple go to a timeshare presentation in order to get free tickets for a boat tour of Western Maui. “I told her that she lived in a beautiful place, but I couldn’t believe how expensive everything was. $3 for a bottle of water? I asked for suggestions for something fun, and cheap that didn’t involve too much walking. She said if we listened to a 2 hour presentation about a timeshare, we’d get free lunch, and tickets for a boat ride. The price was right, and it sounded like a hoot, so I took down the directions, and off we went.”

Timeshares have become more and more common as the popularity of Western Maui has boomed in recent years. According to the Lahaina Business Association, over 10,000 tourists attended a timeshare presentation in Lahaina last year alone. The Karlson’s made their way to the trendy Aloha Shores Condominiums Friday morning, and according to Phil the issues began right away.

“It was supposed to start at 10:00, but it was 10:18 before the whole thing got rolling. It went over an hour long, and the “lunch” was nothing but pinwheel sandwiches, melon balls, and some warm Manimal. Still, there wasn’t a sign anywhere about plate limits, so I made sure Jenna put some food in her purse, while I put a few cans in my fanny pack. When the sales pitch was finally over, I grabbed our tickets, and we were on our way to what was supposed to be a lovely trip along the coast. I should have known it was too good to be true.”

The Karlson’s boarded a drone sailboat Friday afternoon at No Hands On Deck, one of the many new businesses offering tours in captainless drones in the Lahaina area. Booked for a midday cruise, the couple was only supposed to be on the water for a few hours before returning, but within minutes, things literally took a bad turn according to Jenna. “There was a terrible noise, the boat lurched, and we headed out to sea,” she says.
For the next two days, the boat traveled back and forth the across Auau Channel with the Karlson’s trapped aboard. “At first I was scared, but Phil said we should make the best of things, and someone would come looking for the boat after it didn’t return. Unfortunately, It turns out their inventory tracking is about as good as their boat’s navigation systems,” says Jenna.

“It wasn’t all bad to be honest. We were worried about getting our phones wet, so we left them at the hotel. Not having them as a distraction was nice, even though we could have used them to call for help. We must have taken 30 trips back and forth across the channel, and not once did we see a whale. If we had wasted money on one of those whale tours I would have been very upset. It rained pretty hard the first night, and it was really cold. Phil and I had to snuggle together for warmth, it was like we were teenagers again, sneaking out to the shed to be alone. We had plenty of food from the presentation in my purse, but we ran out of Manimal early Saturday, and I began to worry. We talked about just jumping off when we got close to Lahaina again, but Phil was worried that they’d charge our credit card for the whole boat if we abandoned ship, so we just kept riding. By the time Sunday rolled around, I was getting really concerned. I couldn’t see how we’d make our checkout time, and as the sun went down I knew Veilcorp would charge us extra for missing our departure slot. I held Phil’s hand, and we talked about how much more this was all going to cost, and what was happening to our luggage back at the hotel. It was a real low point, but then we were lit up by a Coast Guard spotlight. We were a little embarrassed about all the fuss, but glad to finally be off that boat.”

No Hands On Deck released a statement saying in part, “We regret the ordeal that the Karlson’s went through, and are reviewing our safety protocols to make sure nothing like this happens again.” Aloha Shores spokesperson Frank Lacey says he is relieved that the Karlson’s are ok. “First and foremost, My brother Steve and I would like to apologize to Phil and Jenna. We have learned a lot about properly vetting marketing partners through this, and would like to assure the Karlson’s that we are no longer working with No Hands. We’re going back to offering tickets to The Dolphin Experience, next door. We’ve never heard of one of the dolphins taking a guest on a 3 day open ocean odyssey against their will.”

“Further, we’d like to invite the Karlson’s back for a complimentary weekend visit once they’re feeling better. We employ a group of the industry’s finest tech support specialists, to aid all our guests if anything goes wrong with their unit, something Jenna and Phil could have used out in the channel. Unlike being trapped a runaway boat, our guests never have to worry about starting their day with food and drink, thanks to complimentary continental breakfast served fresh daily in the communal areas. Our knowledgeable staff, can help you get the hottest tickets in town, or directions to a secluded beach to enjoy Maui’s native wildlife. At Aloha Shores, you’ll never feel lost at sea thanks to our attention to detail, and desire to provide exemplary service. Call or email for details and availability.”