STORYLINE

University of Maui Lahaina College To Host Free Drone Boot Camp

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So you bought yourself a drone because you thought it’d be fun to fly around. However, despite what the manufacturer promised, piloting one isn’t “a breeze”, it feels more like brain surgery. On top of that, you had no idea there were so many rules and regulations covering their operation. If this story sounds familiar, don’t worry. The University of Maui Lahaina College wants to help. The school will be hosting a free drone boot camp this weekend to teach owners how to safely and legally, fly their drones.

Dean Richard Mahelona says, “Drones aren’t just a fad anymore. They’re almost as common as birds in the sky around Lahaina. We want to help the public learn how to safely use these amazing machines without worry, and without inadvertently breaking any laws. We’ll have a number of experts available at the event to help guide drone owners of all skill levels, and best of all it’s free!”

The boot camp is open to anyone ages 10 or older wanting to learn a wide range of drone related skills including: piloting, maintenance, and regulations. Participants must register online and bring their own drone. The event is limited to 100 participants, but is free, and others are welcome to come and watch. “We just want to make the skies safer for everyone,” says Mahelona.

With the expansion of Glimpsea across the island, and the the creation of the Veil News Network (VNN), more and more companies are turning to drone technology for a number of their needs; but it’s not just businesses filling the skies with drones. The number of private citizens who own a drone has gone up over 200% in the past 10 years. With that increase has come dozens of close-calls, accidents, and complaints as well as a couple of high profile incidents that put lives in danger, most recently one involving a VNN drone. “It’s those kind of incidents that we’re trying to prevent,” says local inventor and boot camp instructor Ano Lee.

“We were all newbs once,” Lee says. “I try and go over more than just the hows and whys in a class. I go over all the real things a droner needs to know before they fly their machines. There are a many things that seem like a ton of fun to first time drone owners, but are actually illegal. I make sure to go over everything that a rookie droner might want to try, but shouldn’t. Things like: chasing birds, delivering beer to underage friends, shredding kites, peeking through windows, crashing into other drones, scaring people at night, or following an ex. Just because something sounds like fun, doesn’t mean you should do it. I just wish there was a program like this when I was first getting interested in drones.”

In addition to technical proficiency, piloting skills, and rules and regulations, Lee says he teaches his students everything they need to know about drone culture. “It may be a fast growing hobby, but it’s still not a huge club,” he says. Ano says that it is as important for people to understand and embrace the drone community, as it is to understand the rules and regulations laid out by the government.

“I believe operators have a responsibility to change the negative stereotypes surrounding drone ownership. We have to be good stewards for the droner community. I try to explain that to my students, and give them a few tips on fitting in. We discuss how important it is to add a custom paint job to your drone, making sure you use complimentary colors, and only high-quality graphics. A great drone owner, has a drone with a great name. You want to pick something that really speaks to your personality, and helps convey your message, while avoiding things that sound lame. The Wind Walker, The Scarlet Swift, The Moon Chaser, and The Wisp are all awesome names. Lastly, for those who can afford it, I explain how useful having a custom casing can be for a first-timer. I recommend your favorite spaceship, or a realistic bird casing. The Glimpsea Gull model is amazing, and except for the weird fans sticking out, it’s almost indistinguishable from the real thing. It’s a great icebreaker when you’re around other droners. I’m actually running a casing mod special at my maker facility. Just come down to the tchotchke hut and tell them you heard about the offer, and we’ll give you 15% off your first custom casing. We expect demand to be pretty high this weekend, so please hurry before we run out of plastic.”

STORYLINE

Veilcorp To Start Its Own News Service

Veilcorp has announced that it plans to start its own news service with reports and coverage specifically geared towards the corporation’s customers. Instead of traditional journalists, the service will rely on local “experts” and smart drones for all of its stories. Two pilot programs will start this week, one in Lahaina, and another in Seattle. Veilcorp says the new service will provide travelers with important local news, and offer a true look at the “unique atmosphere and vibe of our many destinations.”

Veilcorp is no stranger to exploring other various business opportunities, but the news business is different from its previous ventures. Veilcorp has had a complicated relationship with the media. Many accuse the company of having a cozy relationship with certain journalists, softening the coverage to some of the corporations more questionable decisions. None of those decisions was more controversial than the media ban following Eric Oeming’s return to Lahaina, after the terrorist attack that killed his wife, daughter, and employees.

With this kind of baggage, and an already saturated news market, one might wonder what would set Veilcorp’s news service apart from the crowd. According to Lahaina inventor Ano Lee, the answer is technology. “The news service will be using modified versions of my party drones, and will be integrated with the massive Glimpsea camera network,” says Lee. “My party drones were already designed to recognize: large groups of people, music, and lights, so I could find where the fun was happening on the weekend. We simply added cameras and the ability to set other targets of interest, whether those are areas, events, or specific objects and people. Now, Instead of sending back the GPS coordinates of the biggest parties on the island, the drones, with the help of the Glimpsea network, film whatever they have been assigned to cover.”

Veilcorp COO Lisa Hunt says that while the technology is cutting edge, the idea is quite simple, provide customers with a true understanding of the places and people that they are visiting. “Veilcorp, more than many other companies or organizations, is in a unique position to offer travelers the best local news available. We have a worldwide network, and a deep understanding of what travelers want. Numerous customer surveys have shown that people crave real-time and honest information about the places they are visiting. Our news service has no agenda other to inform our customers about the happenings, and important issues in their area. We use drones guided by local experts and contributors, to give veil travelers insight into the locals, and hear what issues are on their minds. Our goal is to offer great local news on a global scale.”

Some media outlets have scoffed at the idea of Veilcorp running a news service, and have questioned the credibility of any reports from citizen journalists and automated drones. A statement released from VeilWatch calls the proposed service, “One of the most dangerous propaganda tools ever devised, for the most dangerous organization the world has ever seen.” However, many, including people tapped as contributors, say the new service would offer a fresh, and much needed take on how local news operates, and what it covers.

Lahaina resident, and Veilcorp appointed expert John Driscol says he can’t wait to start his show, “Veil-Curious”. “They asked me to be in charge of Arts and Leisure. As everyone knows I’m a leisure expert. If you can’t find me relaxing on the beach, and counting waves, you can usually find me relaxing on another beach. I’m friends with numerous artists as well, so it seemed like a perfect fit. The best part of this service is the drones. I’ve never been in charge of something so simple. You just provide a few key activities, and specific things to look for to the techs. They load the information into the drones, and off they go. All you have to do is comment on what they capture. If you want to change up the coverage, you just assign new cues, and parameters. It’s really as simple as that. When Veil-Curious starts, people can look forward to lots of coverage of: tourists falling off paddle boards, beach bar reviews, and real-time tracking of that old guy who sells Italian ice from his cart. I really love that stuff, and he’s hard to find on the weekends.”

Veilcorp plans on officially launching the service on Friday, the 18th.

STORYLINE

Veilcorp and Glimpsea Launch “Familiar Faces” App

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You find yourself in a new city, far away from the place that you call home. The sights, sounds, and even smells are unfamiliar. Everyone’s accent is different and there is a whole host of local slang terms to learn. Even the street food is different here. You’re not sure where the cool place to hang out is or if you’ll have anything in common with the people there. You are on your own. It’s one of the hardest parts about being a child who moves to a new town, but is it also a burden for tourists? Veilcorp seems to think so. The company is launching a new app called “Familiar Faces” designed to help visitors feel more at home and help them connect with local businesses while staying in Lahaina.

The ceremplant app helps visitors locate others from the same geographical locations, using Veilcorp facial recognition data and Glimpsea’s Lahaina View Project. In addition to helping visitors find others from the same area, the app provides companies with highly targeted ad opportunities.

“We run the feed from our cameras through a Veilcorp facial recognition system and Familiar Faces does the matching. A map shows you where people from your area are in real time. Feeling like a stranger in a strange land can be one of the hardest parts of traveling. The app is great way to find someone to talk to when you’re far away from home. We’re excited about the possibilities here and are already in talks with other cities about expanding the service. I believe tourism bureaus across the country will be begging for this kind of program,” says Simon Ike Vice President of Glimpsea.

Veilcorp has big plans for the pilot program. They see Familiar Faces expanding into other areas and becoming an integral part of everyone’s vacation experience. Brie Howard Vice President for Special Projects and Strategic Growth (VPSPSG) says, “The app also uses information gathered by our 3rd party partners to identify people with shared interests. If you’ve booked an ATV tour of the preservation zone, you’ll see others who have as well. If you asked about deep sea fishing, you’ll see who else has booked a charter. It’s a giant win for local businesses. With a premium subscription, a company can get a real time map of people interested in their services. This offers a wide array of valuable and highly targeted marketing information.”

However, not everyone is excited about having a real-time location service available to anyone. Many have accused the Familiar Faces app of being a stalker’s “dream come true.” They accuse the company of “pushing the boundaries of personal safety for a dollar,” pointing out that the program is currently opt-out for visitors. Some have more basic concerns about the program.

Local resident John Driscol is a vocal opponent of the new app and was one of many protesting in front of the Mayor Cravalho’s office this week. He says,

“I was not born and raised here but I found things to do without the help of an elaborate tracking system. I started counting waves the very first day I arrived. Part of the joy of wave counting as a hobby is the solitude it provides. A guy can sit and really ask himself the important questions in life: Will this cooler keep my drinks cold enough? Will I be able to completely relax in the next 7 hours before my kid gets home? Will they have the initiative to make themselves something to eat if I’m late again? The last thing I need is some out-of-towner who thinks that counting waves is easy, breaking my focus by wanting to talk. It’s not just the hassle of being interrupted that I’m concerned about. My life is significantly different now than it was before my wife and I moved here. I was a legend back home. No event was complete until I made an appearance. They could have made movies about my life in my early 20’s. I don’t want someone from my home town seeing me now and reminding me of what might have been. There’s a reason I skipped my 20th class reunion. I had some great times back then. Being a husband and father is really hard work, and the last thing I need is a walk down memory lane.”

STORYLINE

Lahaina to End Glimpsea’s “Enhanced Dispatch” Program

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The Lahaina City Council voted to end Glimpsea’s crowdsourced public safety dispatching service yesterday after numerous complaints, and high-profile mishaps. Part of the “Lahaina View Project” began in 2048, the enhanced dispatching program was supposed to help close a $1 million projected budget deficit, as well as provide more efficient emergency dispatching with the help of community volunteers.

The service faced much opposition since its inception both from the public, and from within the Mayor’s Office. Despite the company’s promises, and the hopes of some within the city government, the program stumbled from the very beginning, and was cancelled after barely 3 months. Glimpsea’s Vice President Simon Ike says he is disappointed with the council’s decision, and that complaints have been overblown, saying: “The program has been unfairly scrutinized from the start. While we feel our enhanced dispatching service is the future of emergency services, we understand the pressure the city council has been under, even if we strongly disagree with their decision.”

The Lahaina View Project was supposed to harness the power of a network of security cameras, drones, and phones to provide 24/7 visual coverage of Lahaina, as well as offer unique opportunities for civic, and government innovation. Thousands of residents downloaded the Glimpsea app, and became part of the network. The project’s cameras did save time and money for some departments like: the assessor’s office, the water department, and the housing division, however, it was the offer of a revolutionary emergency response and crowdsourced dispatching system that promised some of the most exciting advances.

With almost complete video coverage of Lahaina, emergencies and crimes could be spotted early, and registered users would be able to dispatch first responders to any situation at virtually no cost. Unfortunately, things didn’t go quite as planned. The program was soon plagued with false alarms, inordinately long response times, incorrect addresses, and people misusing the network.

Perennial mayoral candidate, and President of the Foundation for Natural Law Rodger “Rod” Kohole, was one of the most vocal opponents of the program, and says he is happy with the council’s decision. “Mark one down for the people! Yesterday we told big government that we don’t want them peeking in our windows, or degenerates guiding our brave first responders. This program was designed to line the pockets of government leeches at the expense of the public. I hope this is a wake-up call to Cravalho, and the Lahaina Stasi that they’re going to have to cultivate another network of informants. It is unconscionable that for months our neighbors have had to rely on people living in their mother’s basement to put their game on pause, and dispatch police and firemen. It’s a miracle nobody was seriously hurt, or killed due to Albert’s incompetence.”

“In retrospect, some of the issues we ran into seem kind of obvious,” says Mayor Albert Cravalho. “Crowdsourcing works great for things like data collection, research, and raising money, but probably isn’t the best model for dispatching emergency services. Despite the best efforts of Glimpsea, and my office, we just weren’t able to overcome the negative press coverage, and get the program on track. We had implemented systems to address some of the biggest concerns surrounding the dispatcher issues, but unfortunately it was too little, too late, for the public. I can understand their concerns, when you’re in an emergency, you want action not excuses. I just wish they had given us a chance to work out the kinks.”

Glimpsea and the mayor aren’t the only ones disappointed in the council’s decision. Self-described amateur sociologist, and author Kevin Morrow says the program was a treasure trove for his research.

“The enhanced dispatch service saved me years of data collection regarding the actions of people in stressful situations. I was initially against the program, but once I understood its potential, I was a big fan. Normally, one has to rely on reports, or interviews after-the-fact when researching human responses. However, thanks to the program, I was able to give surveys and conduct personality tests in real time, to real people during a time of turmoil. The results were amazing! While It is true that an overwhelming number of people become more agitated when questioned about what they thought their role in their emergency was, and I had four different accounts banned doing research; I still collected an enormous amount of data. I can only imagine how much my research could have helped those traumatized by an emergency event if the program was allowed to continue.”

STORYLINE

15th Annual SSHAM Fest: A Day of Spicy-Salted-Goodness

Hawaii’s celebration of its favorite processed meat product turns 15 this year and just like SSHAM, it has only gotten better with age. Every year people from around the globe come to celebrate what started as an accident in the kitchen of Art Pua’a, and has turned into a food revolution. Front Street will be closed to traffic this Saturday and downtown will belong to lovers of “The meat of 1,000 uses.”

Top restaurants and a number of Hawaiian retailers will be on-hand to offer a variety of SSHAM related products and food. Two stages with free entertainment, and numerous special events throughout the day will keep everyone entertained. Last year, an estimated 65,000 people shared their love of shrimped-spiced-ham. There are no admission charges and the entertainment is free. A portion of all other proceeds will go to the Lahaina Watershed Alliance. The LWA works with private landowners around the preservation zone to extend protected areas and ensure clean clean water for residents, farms, and businesses. If it’s your first time or your 15th, we hope you come down and enjoy what local residents and visitors alike have made an annual tradition.

SSHAM Fest starts at 8am and ends with the lighted drone show over Lahaina Harbor at 11pm. Throughout the day, vendors will offer a variety of unique arts and crafts including: SSHAM soap, candles, cosmetics, and natural health/beauty products. Our SSHAM Slam stage offers local poets, musicians, and artists a chance to express their love of our canned meat and is open all day. “SSHAM stories are your stories,” and our Stories Stage is open to the public so you can tell the world what SSHAM means to you.

Ride around in style by renting one of Ano Lee’s SSHAM powered bikes, or just stop by to see how SSHAM might be the fuel of the future. Don’t worry about your camera. You can follow all the action and preserve every memory thanks to our SSHAM Cam sponsored by Glimpsea. There are a number of planned events throughout the day as well. This year’s schedule is as follows:

10:00am – Shrig Calling Contest: Art may say they don’t exist, but the rumors of shrimp-pig hybrids seems to persist. You can’t have a SSHAM celebration without its main ingredient. We don’t care if you snort, squeal, howl or gurgle just do it loud enough to entertain the crowd and judges.

12:00am – Sculpture contest: Competitors have all morning to carve, cut, mold, and sear a 90 pound block of SSHAM for our judge’s discerning eye. You won’t believe how life-like and intricate their works can be. All sculptures are donated to the Maui food bank at the end of the day.

2:00pm – Awarding of the SSHAM Can: Perhaps the most prestigious culinary prize in Hawaii, the SSHAM Can goes to the creator of the best SSHAM dish on the island. So far, that dish has always been Ralph Umeke’s SSHAM pho. He wants to add a 15th Can to his collection, but he has some stiff competition from the big island this year. Make sure and see if Uncle Ralph can extend his reign as the SSHAM cooking king.

4:00pm – SSHAM Eating Competition: After watching the culinary talents of some of the world’s best chefs, why not take a break and watch a group of the crazy-brave engulf SSHAM at a gut-busting speed. Will anyone beat Big Bob Abramo’s 13 can record? Stop by and see or enter the competition yourself and find out how many cans your stomach can stand.

6:00pm – Winner of SSHAM Science Fair Announced: Sponsored by Veilcorp, the science fair has become a highlight of the festival. With the help of their Veilcorp mentors, what these kids can create with SSHAM and some imagination is amazing. The company funds the top 5 projects every year, and provides scholarships to contestants to help cultivate the next generation of innovators. Previous winners include a cheap and consumable water filtration system, and a topical treatment that repels mosquitoes and other biting insects for 90 days.

Whether you want to see one of the competitions or just spend a day enjoying the sights and sounds, the festival is family-friendly and great for all ages. Don’t miss helping us celebrate 15 years of SSHAM love!

STORYLINE

Glimpsea Expands “Lahaina View” Project

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The Hawaiian Department of Land and Natural Resources announced today that they would be joining the County of Maui and Glimpsea in their Lahaina View Project. Started last year, the program’s goal is to provide a live view of all of Lahaina through a network of cameras 24/7.

For the past year, Glimpsea has deployed its Comprehensive Aloha Security Helper Camera System (CASH) across large portions of Lahaina under the supervision of Mayor Cravalho’s office. Using a number of security cameras, the project currently covers most of Front Street and portions of the beach. The inclusion of the DLNR and their preservation zone drones will expand the program to a much larger area, but Vice President Simon Ike says that’s just the beginning.

“We’re really excited about the DLNR’s decision. Including their drones is a win-win situation for everyone. In addition to expanding our coverage in Lahaina, the drones can zero in on specific areas or tourists. It’s like having a professional camera crew following you around while you’re on vacation. As part of the agreement, we’ve provided the DLNR with a number of our mite-cams to be used in their tagging programs. We are hopeful that the shots provided by these banded birds will help conservation efforts and allow those interested an intimate view of the day to day affairs of Lahaina’s wildlife.”

While the new agreement will offer some exciting new areas of coverage, Lahaina is large. A handful of drones and birds won’t cover a significant range of the island. Ike says he is hopeful that the public can help the project reach its goal by downloading Glimpsea’s new app.

“The reality is that this new partnership will offer some interesting shots but we’re going to need the public’s help if we’re going to get a complete view of Lahaina. We encourage everyone who is interested to get our app and join the program. If you own any of our products currently: security cams, drones, 360 cams, or mite-cams, the app will be included in your next update. For those not using our products, our app is compatible with most drones, phones, and dash cams. If it has a lens and you bought it in the last 10 years, you can be part of the team. All you have to do is provide the make and model number and hit “Accept”. I’m confident that we will reach our goal of total Lahaina coverage by the end of the year. Soon, people from all over the world will be able to see, and in many cases hear, just how beautiful this place is in real time.”

The Lahaina View project is not without its detractors of course. Many worry about privacy issues and the network being hacked. Some feel that the program goes against the sense of freedom and peace that many visit the island to experience. “How are you supposed to relax on the beach if you know some creep could be sitting in his basement somewhere in the world staring at you?” asks Lauryn Krie, a tourist visiting from Detroit. Local activist Kevin Morrow has different concerns.

“I cautioned everyone about the radio tower but nobody would listen. Now we have ziplines attached all over the place and you can’t walk near one without hearing someone drop an F-bomb. I’ve been trying to track the increase in profanity since the swear tower went up, but it’s been hard because there wasn’t a lot of airborne obscenity before the ziplines. I think it’s safe to say you are 100% more likely to hear cursing from above since my warnings went unheeded. I hope it’s not too late for this video thing. Tourists routinely swear on the beach and Front Street. I don’t think it’s a stretch to imagine children who are now hooked on profanity flipping through the audio enabled views looking for a fix. Words aren’t just noises that we make with air through the holes in our faces, they are ideas and some ideas are bad. The Lahaina View project is a very bad idea.”

STORYLINE

Announcing The Lahaina Zipline Tours Big Reopening

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For almost 18 years The Lahaina Zipline Tours was one of the most popular attractions on the island for both residents and tourists. Our 4 lines offered a unique view of parts of downtown, the beach, and Lahaina’s beautiful wild places. Over 150,000 people took a scenic trip down our lines in 2047 before hurricane Neki put an end to the rides and devastated much of the island.

Like many other hotspots, we’ve been busy rebuilding and we’re almost ready to show off our new tours. Things are about to get bigger and better at The Lahaina Zipline Tours thanks to our new owner, Big Bob Abramo. He’s already well known for his award winning chop house, but his vision for the ziplines will amaze you. We’re announcing our grand reopening next Friday, july 10th. Come on down, and see our expanded lines and learn about our unique new offerings sure to be big fun for the whole family.

Bob doesn’t believe that our liners should have to rely on gravity alone so we’ve completely upgraded our technology. Our all new bidirectional lines and motorized trolleys allow guests to slow things down to get a good look at the world below, or break free from the limits of traditional ziplining. Guests can experience speeds of up to 70 mph on a number of our longer runs. (Goggles can be purchased at the gift shop.)

We have expanded the reach of our original lines as well. Now you can pass over nearly all of Lahaina. Take a romantic zip down the beach or get your adrenaline flowing by passing over an active lava field. Stop using your legs like a sucker and let us do all the work. Big Bob’s web of lines offers zip lovers miles of fun and a complete view of the area without the drudgery and hassle of walking. Our new automated quick exchange system lets you quickly move from run to run without ever having to touch the ground. Our entire loop offers almost an hour of zipping fun. While these technical upgrades are exciting enough, it’s our big new programs that will have everyone talking.

Take a direct line to dinner with our express run to the Abramo Chop House. Whether you’re picking out an animal to eat for an upcoming birthday, or just want to take a big bite from something off the grill, the Chop House has something to appease even the most voracious appetite. Check out 10 feet of the world’s best pork on our famous Long Pig Buffet, or enjoy one of our delicious bacon infused cocktails. Our menu is all organic and is specially designed to accommodate a wide variety of carnivorous tastes. We strive to use locally-raised organic meats as much as possible.

You’ve flown like the birds and now it’s time to sing like them with Big Bob’s nightly karaoke. When the sun goes down our ziplines glow purple and the magic begins. Our host Bouncing Brandi keeps the music and fun going nightly until 4am. Use your ceremplant to join one of our public networks or pay a little extra for your own private virtual room. Let your voice be carried on the wind or belt out a power ballad to everyone below.

Our big collection includes close to 500,000 songs in 6 different languages, so if we don’t have it, it’s not worth singing. In addition, all of our midnight crooners have a chance to broadcast their performances thanks to our partnership with Glimpsea. Take advantage of their nanocam technology to show your family, friends, and anyone in the broadcast area what they’re missing. Due to a request from the Lahaina police department, we encourage our guests to refrain from loud singing after midnight when passing over residential areas.

If you liked it before, you’ll love it now. Nobody knows the sweet taste of recreation like Big Bob Abramo. With the grand opening a little over a week away, spots are going to fill up fast so make your reservations today. Go big and go to the new home of island fun: The Lahaina Zipline Tours.

STORYLINE

Maui Councilman Embroiled in Trash Scandal

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To say that I was stunned by the news this morning is an understatement. Hearing that for the past few months our trash has been traveling to parts unknown because you’ve made a deal with a company that hasn’t been properly vetted is unacceptable. I’m trying very hard to believe that you were ignorant of the details, but that pill is getting harder to swallow by the minute. You’re just lucky that Veilcorp hasn’t weighed in yet. I can promise you that they will not be happy if you drag them into this mess. If my office is going to stay ahead of this thing I need you to start coming up with answers, because I have a lot of questions and the people need to believe that they can trust their mayor.

When you became chairman of The Solid Waste Resource Advisory Committee I had heard that you had a reputation of cutting corners. I had no idea how deep you were willing to cut. You’ve single-handedly thrown away all the goodwill we gained in the past 6 months. We are rebuilding Lahaina and the trust of its people. We survived hurricane Neki but I’m not sure we’ll make it through this unnatural disaster.

What were you thinking? I understand that there was a lot of refuse that needed to be disposed of after the storm, but you can’t possibly have thought that veiling tons of trash to war-torn areas was going to receive massive public support. Please don’t try and convince me that you weren’t even a little concerned about where the garbage was going. I’m having a hard time believing you didn’t know that you were selling it to one of those recycling cartels after seeing their bid was a third of the next highest. To be honest, the fact that you did it under my nose tells me almost everything I need to know.

I’m sure you know what these cartels do. They force people with no other options to sort through mountains of muck to find the more valuable pieces of filth. These people are involved in some really dark stuff. At some point you must have watched or read a report about the kinds of things these groups are bankrolling. Almost as bad, many of these groups end up dumping the trash they can’t use offshore or just leave it and move on to another area. It’s a human rights and ecological disaster. I had no plans to run a reelection commercial featuring war orphans shouting with joy because they found a bit of copper in a barrel of garbage, or a dolphin wearing a plastic “Lahaina Zipline Tours” bag like a vest.

You couldn’t have chosen a worse time. The people have been voting down waste to power plant proposals for over 40 years because they are very sensitive to environmental issues. Add to that all the recent concerns about Veilcorp’s Icarus project irradiating wildlife and causing sickness, and you a have a recipe for not just losing your job, but going to jail. I do not plan on going down with this ship because you found it convenient to punch garbage chutes into the hull. The political climate on these issues is very chilly and it seems like your plan was to wait until winter before forcing my office to march into a war.

I keep waiting for the Glimpsea guy to burst through the doors, point out the cameras, and tell me this is all some sort of sick joke. I need answers! I need to know what you knew and when you knew it. I want to know how these people contacted you and how long you’ve been talking. I’m sure law enforcement will be going through your financials. I don’t want to get anymore involved in this by asking about those specifics. Please, If anyone in my office worked with you on this catastrophe I want to hear about it now.

I’m going to keep this short and to the point. You just fed your political career a poison cookie, threw it off the top of a building and shot it multiple times on the way down. You better hope none of your mess splatters on me or my office. To be perfectly clear, you are fired immediately! I have appointed a local business man, Bob Abramo, as an emergency replacement. You have until noon to clean out your office, get your affairs in order, and turn over any relevant paperwork. I suggest that you leave the building before big Bob arrives.

STORYLINE

Cruise Line Trades Trips for Teen’s Glimpsea Handle

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Dutchess Cruise Lines ended its search in Lahaina this week for the owner of the Glimpsea handle @DutchessCruise. The company had been looking for the owner of name, only to find it belonged to an area teenager. 17-year-old Peter Kolohe responded to a posting by the company which read, “Aloha Lahaina! Does anyone know Peter? We want to talk to him about his great taste in names.” Reaching an agreement with the cruise line, Kolohe offered to turn over the much coveted name to the company, in exchange for free yearly trips for his family.

Dutchess Director of Marketing Amy Hau’oli says the company is thrilled to get control of the handle, and that Kolohe drives a hard bargain. “We’ve been focusing on expanding our presence in a few key areas this year, including Lahaina. I was ecstatic that Peter responded to our posting, but that was before I had to negotiate with him. He’s quite a young man, shrewd beyond his years, with a great future as a royal figurehead, or hostage negotiator. We offered to pay generously for the name, but he made it clear from the very beginning, he was interested in a bartering situation, and not money.”

Hau’oli says the company will put the Kohole’s on its newest ship, the MS Joy. The family will receive numerous surprises throughout the trip, including the opportunity for Peter to help Captain Henrick Rasmussen pilot the boat, and the chance to sign up for a number of theme cruises, before they are available to the general public. The family’s experiences will be documented on the cruise’s social channels by a film crew dedicated to capturing Peter’s time onboard. “It was a fun way to claim the handle, and reward a clever budding business man,” she adds.

A relatively new player in the cruise market, Dutchess has made a name for itself by expanding in underserved areas, exploring new ports of call, and offering a number of special theme cruises. The company’s popular Lahaina tech cruise offers excursions to the city’s Veil Station, Thorcon Power Plant, as well as other areas of interest for the science-minded. Dutchess offers many other options as well, including trips for: chefs, musicians, deep sea fishing enthusiasts, cat lovers, and even romance authors.

While Dutchess may be new to the cruise business, Peter is not a beginner when it comes to claiming business names on social media. In fact, the teen has a history of trading handles to companies, starting 5-years-ago when he was 12.
“Even though I was just a kid at the time, I instinctively knew that I was extremely talented, especially when it came to marketing and seeing the big picture. The first company I outmaneuvered was a local family-owned surf shop. I grabbed @BruddahSea before they could. I got a wetsuit and free wax out of that one, and I was hooked,” explains Peter. The teen says that many companies fail to claim their social media handles after going public, even large, well-known companies often let them slip through the cracks. “The opportunity to claim a name gets even bigger when you include regional networks and isps, like Glimpsea, and Phxicom. You’d be surprised at some of the companies that don’t lockdown their handles, and how easy it is for me to see several steps ahead of these ‘professionals’,” adds Kolohe.

“It’s kind of a family business, so it’s probably something in my genes. My dad made a bunch of money selling domain names back in the day, but like many great thinkers, I made it better by bringing speed, and fresh ideas to an old game. It’s easy to stay ahead of the pack when you’re rewriting the rules. I’ve never thought money was a good investment. I’d rather have stuff and service agreements. Governments rise and fall, currency is always in flux, and there’s no telling what the world will look like tomorrow. I wouldn’t be surprised if we figure out a way to use 127 to communicate with other realities, or see into the future. I guess everyone will finally know what it’s like to be me then.

What will always stay the same is basic needs, and the willingness to trade for goods and services. I have almost everything I need thanks to my insights, and my handle trading, as long as I stay in Lahaina. I have first dibs on reserving a public ATV and a special card that gets me free drinks, thanks to someone at Manimal forgetting to register on Glimpsea. I can get a free ride wherever Hailoha operates. I have first dibs on cans of SSHAM First Pressing Reserve when it comes out, and a few weeks stay in an Aloha Shores timeshare every year, all thanks to my talent at grabbing social media handles. Actually, one of the only local companies that has met me on level ground is Veilcorp. I haven’t been able to leverage anything from them. Their social media team is the bomb. I have a lot of respect for the speed and depth of their branding and name game. Of course they have a whole division, and I’m just me, but it is still impressive ”

Kolohe says that he’s proud to add Dutchess Cruise Lines to the long list of companies he’s struck a deal with, and doesn’t feel that there is anything wrong with name squatting. “Businesses must innovate everyday to survive. It’s not my fault that I’m quicker than they are, anymore than it’s a sharks fault that it eats slower fish. It’s the natural order of things, and the cost of me teaching your marketing department a lesson.” Peter says his goal is to eventually create an educational program designed to teach others how to do what he’s done. “I think the area is ripe for others, and I look forward to bartering with people from across the world for my knowledge and usernames. I’m not promising miracles. It is highly unlikely that anyone will be able to match my talents. You can’t really teach being two steps ahead, but I think it would be a shame if I didn’t share at least some of my wisdom with the masses. I won’t feel like I’m done until I can teach others how to live on names alone, cement my impact on the business world, and secure my place in history.”