STORYLINE

Mele Kalikimaka From the Tappers

lights.jpg

Congratulations, you are cordially and secretly invited to the 11th annual Tappers Day Before Christmas Spectapluar!

If you’re reading this note you already know how serious we take this event and that you have no choice but to attend. No, really, to be perfectly clear, you have no choice. We are watching everything. There is no place you could hide from us.

We take Christmas very seriously and this year’s show is bigger and better than any we’ve done before. We’ve spared no expense to bring you the best entertainment the islands have to offer. There’s never been a better time to be on our “Nice” list.

Simply eat one of the cookies enclosed approximately 1 hour before sundown and place the 30 rai entry fee in your pocket. Our teams of secret Santas will do the rest. When you awake, you’ll find yourself in our private party grotto. Enjoy our complimentary drinks and snacks while you shake out the cobwebs and discover who we’ve chosen as guests.

Enjoy mingling with other attendees or feel free to wander around once you’re feeling alert. We have plenty to see before the show begins. Pet one of our mutant axis deer, watch as our captive Green Lady steals the Christmas spirit from those who ignored our invitations and consumes them, or marvel at the wonder of our giant Christmas Koa tree. Adorned with over 4,000 lights and ornaments our near 100’ tall koa is quite something to behold. And that’s just the beginning. Our featured events include:

The Tony Kahale Memorial Nog Drinking Contest
Pay homage to bruddah half-barrel by gulping down as much of our delicious homemade nog as you can in 10 minutes. In addition to bragging rights and an upset stomach, the winner gets free entry into next years event.

The Valley Isle Laser Light Dancers
Before the cookies wear completely off and while your belly is full of nog, have a seat and watch our most talented dancers trip the laser light fantastic. Learn the history of the island with the help of our dancers and our amazing light show.

The Tapper Children’s Troupe
Your heart will melt as our young ones regale you with the Christmas story and sing a collection of holiday favorites. (The children’s program is now 15 minutes shorter for your consideration. Warning: applause is mandatory.)

Roman’s Ukulele Choir
All the way from Molokai, Roman and his ukulele choir have returned this year to enthrall and entertain. Handel has never sounded better!

The Tappettes

We’ll close the show as usual with the help of our limber ladies kicking up the cheer with their famous Christmas chorus line. You’ll be amazed by both their precision and your seemingly instantaneous return to your homes at the end of the show.

It’s our biggest and best show ever! Remember, we know when you are sleeping. We know where you are when you’re awake. We just want to celebrate the holiday with you, so accept our invitation for your family’s sake!

STORYLINE

Celebrating Sign Day In Lahaina

Everyone has their favorite holiday. Some of my friends like Christmas because they get presents like candy or a new knife. Others like Thanksgiving because of all the different food, but my favorite holiday is Sign Day.

On the last Thursday of every July, groups from all over the island gather in Lahaina to eat poke, honor how much work it was to rebuild things, remember how much can get done when we work together, and celebrate the toughness of those who survived. Everyone likes celebrating Sign Day but many don’t know the history behind the celebration.

Nobody remembers when the Lahaina sign was made or who put it up, but whoever it was, they did a really good job. The Lahaina sign was made sometime before the big accident and is one of the few things to survive the fires, winds, and rains. The Kanaka say the sign is filled with their love of the island and is protected by the spirits of their ancestors who fought and died for Lahaina. They believe that as long as the sign survives, so will the Kanaka. My dad says that it was probably some kind of resin that protected the sign and not ghosts.

The time right after the fracture was hard for everyone. People were scared and my grandma says that people do bad things when they’re scared. The Kanaka and the people here in Pu’u didn’t trust each other for a long time. Sometimes they would run away when we’d send people down the hill to look for food and water and sometimes they would threaten or attack us. Nobody knew what to do, but then someone noticed how the groups always seemed to run into each other by the sign and they had an idea.

The people of Pu’u surrounded some canteens of clean water with hibiscus flowers so it would attract the Kanaka’s attention and left them by the sign. A few days later, the people noticed the canteens were gone and there was fish wrapped in banana leaves with a few pieces of polished coral. The Thrivers and the Kanaka exchanged gifts like that for a while. When my Grandpa’s friends got the wells to the West working again, they left a map for the Kanaka under the sign. The next day, they went back only to find a group of Kanaka warriors waiting for them.

At first they thought that the warriors were going to attack but they didn’t. Instead, the Kanaka thanked them and gave them some spears and drew a map to show where they could find the biggest black crabs. That was when everything started to change.

The people and the Kanaka started trading all kinds of things by the Lahaina sign. The people of Pu’u would leave caches of clean food and water there for Kanaka scouts who were on long hunts. The Kanaka would leave healing herbs and rolls of dyed cloth for us. Soon the groups were trading everything and buying things with rai by the sign. Before the Battle of Black Rock Beach, Chief Ikaika made an agreement with the people of Pu’u to help fight the monsters that the veil created. Almost all important agreements are still made there today.

People leave gifts and messages there all year but Sign Day is special. The day starts with everyone gathering around the sign. Appointed leaders from each group make a speech about what they’ve done, and what they hope to get done in the upcoming year. Each group leaves a gift in front of the sign, usually something like water, salted fish or bandages, and the leaders rub tree oil into the sign together. When their done, they shake hands and everyone can start having fun! I like seeing all the different people and eating the weird food on Sign Day.

If you ever need help with a job or advice you can leave a note by the sign and someone will answer. My dad says you should never trust an answer that someone left at the sign though, and that I should ask him first. It’s also a good place to find something eat or drink when you’re out exploring but you’re only supposed to take something if you really need it. Every Thriver in Pu’u is taught at a young age that if they are hurt or need help, they can wait by the sign and someone will come along soon.

I really like Sign Day and seeing what gifts everyone leaves. I hope one day I get picked to give a speech about what we’ve done and what we’re going to do in front of everybody. But I don’t want to get the tree oil all over my hands. I think we should just paint the sign instead.

STORYLINE

Merchant’s Association Cancels Valentine’s Day Promotion Over “Inaccurate” Menehune Dolls

love.jpg

After a day of protest and mountains of negative feedback, The Lahaina Merchant’s Association (LMA) has decided to end its controversial “Menehunny” Valentine’s Day giveaway. The LMA had been handing out dolls based on the mythological race of little people, the Menehune, for almost a week before deciding to end the promotion. With pink and black hair, a monkey-like appearance, and slogans like “Loving Lahaina” and “Be My Menehunny” emblazoned on the doll’s chest many had called the toys disrespectful to the Menehune legend. The LMA says they apologize for any ill will the dolls may have caused and hopes that everyone feels the spirit of aloha on Valentine’s Day.

Whether it’s from one the many statues around the islands, a children’s book, or a story from your tutu about the things they built before the first settlers arrived, most Hawaiians know about the legend of the Menehune. The mythological dwarves who live in the deep forests and secluded valleys are said to be great craftspeople. Many structures attributed to their construction skills still exist, and they are one of the most recognizable characters in Hawaiian folklore and that’s the problem.

“I don’t know what those things are but they’re not Menehune,” says one protester who wished to remain anonymous. “They look like monkeys that accidentally broke into a dye factory. The slogans across the chest are just the worst. The Menehune are a part of our tradition and history, for anyone to use them in some sort of marketing campaign is gross. What makes it worse is that this idea came from a group of businesses right here in Lahaina. They should know better.”

LMA chief strategist and anthropology minor at the University of Maui Lahaina College Ken Hekili says the toy design was not meant to be disrespectful. “A lot of thought and time went into the Menehunny dolls. Pink and black go together quite well, and the simian-like appearance is based in science and captures the upward trend right now for monkey toys. According to the profs in my 300 level classes, many islands in this part of the world had populations of small archaic humans. The “hobbits” on the island of Flores, Indonesia being one of the most famous. We tried to imagine what the Menehune would look like if they were a long lost part of our family tree and they were employed to promote Valentine’s Day in Lahaina. To be honest I thought we nailed it. Their outfits and slogans were exactly what we thought protohumans would be comfortable with wearing or saying for a marketing gig. Obviously, the public thought differently. We apologize for any anger our dolls may have caused.”

While many businesses remained quiet about the promotion owner of the famous Hula Noodle eatery, “Uncle” Ralph Umeke, says he understands the public’s reaction and hopes the LMA is more careful in the future. “Not all change is good, just ask the dinosaurs,” he adds.

“Everyone knows what a Menehune looks like. They’re an enduring part of our folklore. You wouldn’t go to Ireland and try to sell leprechaun dolls that looked like cockroaches. You wouldn’t decide one day that Santa’s Elves should really look like lizards from now on because you’re selling heating lamps. People like things the way they are. Everyone knows that a Menehune is a little smiling, pointy-eared guy wearing a traditional hat, not a pink striped monkey dude with a slogan on his chest. Not everything needs to be reinvented or used for a gimmick.”

While most of the backlash seemed to focus on the appearance of the dolls there are a handful of people who say that the Menehunny toys are closer to reality than the depictions common today. Some even say that the Menehune still exist in isolated pockets of the jungle. One such believer is Lahaina resident Randy Wilcox. Randy says he had an encounter with a real Menehune last year after an accident in his garage.

“I had just bought one of those portable Duracave 127 reactors, and I was working on it in the garage. In the last few years, we’ve added some serious lasers to the pyrotechnics at our backyard wrestling events. The problem was we kept blowing breakers, so I was hoping the new generator would give us the juice we needed. I’m rarely satisfied with running things stock so I was trying to amp up the output when the explosion happened. Now I’m no stranger to riding a pressure wave through the air but this felt different and when I landed in the brush there he was.

The color on the toys was wrong but he was definitely hairy. He told me that the world was going to end this year and that I should prepare myself accordingly. He gave me some tips on my wrestling costume saying I was more of an autumn and should focus on more orange fabrics. He started to give me a recipe for something called “survivor pie” but my head started to hurt so bad that I had to close my eyes. The next thing I remember is waking up to my aunt’s dog Minny licking my face. My family says that I was talking to Minny the whole time and I’m confused because of the concussion, but I know what I saw. Menehune are real, they’re hairy, and they have a great eye when it comes to costumes. I’ve never looked more vibrant in the ring.”

STORYLINE

Drivers Protesting New “Hailoha-Lit” Service

car.jpg

A pilot program designed to curtail drunk driving in West Maui over the holidays has some hopping mad. For over a month now, Hailoha-Lit has offered anyone a free ride if they find themselves on Front Street after a night of celebrating without a way to get home. A partnership between the city of Lahaina and the popular rideshare service Hailoha, the program has already delivered dozens of tourists safely to their hotels. However, many Hailoha drivers say the free service is potentially dangerous and the company has grossly lowered standards to meet demand.

Lahaina saw a record number of accidents, many involving inebriated drivers, last year and 2036 was on track to beat the record again. “We knew something needed to be done and I think we came up with a great solution,” says Mayor Albert Cravalho. Bartenders, police officers, and local business owners carry vouchers for the free rideshare service. After filling out a form with their basic information and declaring that they don’t have the money for a taxi, inebriated people get a free ride from a Hailoha-Lit driver. The service even provides a retrieval voucher for customer’s cars if they were towed, and a reimbursement envelope to send a donation at a later date. Cravalho says he expects other cities to offer similar services soon.

“We’ve seen a 60% drop in police and service calls since the program started and it runs entirely on donations. I’m not sure why some of these drivers see the program as a threat. Every driver can turn in a voucher for reimbursement it’s not like we’re taking away their business. Sure, some of the Hailoha-Lit vehicles may be a little rundown or unusual, but I don’t see the passengers complaining when they get to their destinations safely. The only problem here is disgruntled drivers making a scene.”

Mark Me’e doesn’t see it that way. A long time Hailoha driver Me’e says the program makes a mockery of ride-sharing services and Hailoha’s standards for Lit drivers are dangerous to the industry and more importantly to the public.

“When a passenger gets in my car, pays me, and gives me a location they get three things from me: a mint, a safe comfortable ride, and my undying devotion until we reach our destination. There has always been a strong social pact between driver and passenger. Whether it was ensuring nobody fell out of your canoe 3,000-years-ago, protecting passengers from bandits on your stagecoach, or ensuring everyone can make their connecting flights by going above a particularly bad storm in a jet, the job of taking people from one place to another has always been a sacred one, not to be taken lightly. I’ve seen people using Manimal ATVs as Lit drivers and we all know how unsafe those things are. If that wasn’t bad enough, I’ve also witnessed people riding on bike handlebars, in wagons, and even a lady pushing around tourists in a wheelbarrow. There is nothing sacred or honorable about delivering drunks in a piece of garden equipment.”

While the mayor denies Mark’s accusations and Hailoha says they only authorize the use of “wheeled vehicles” in the Lit program, there are numerous stories on social media sites detailing unusual rides home using the program. One such story involves 34-year-old Camilla Brandt and her husband Tim.

“It was our last night in Lahaina and we definitely overdid it. Tim had lost the credit cards somewhere between beach bars and I had left my purse in the hotel. We were trying to figure out what to do when a server told us about Hailoha-Lit and handed us a voucher. We had no idea what we were about to experience.

Randy was our driver. He explained how much he loved Lit and how the extra income was helping him take care of his grandmother. We didn’t understand at first what he meant when he said he never brought two people home before but was willing to try if we were. Then he went on to say that his car had broken down earlier that week and would be giving us piggy-back rides. We laughed, but he didn’t laugh with us. We just felt so bad for him that we thought we’d give it a try.

To be honest I don’t remember everything clearly because we did have a lot to drink and we were both trying so hard not to laugh at the ridiculousness of the situation. I just remember him carrying me a few hundred feet and then going back for Tim over and over again. Riding on his back was really bumpy and we had to stop frequently so I could puke but he didn’t seem to mind. Even so, Tim offered just to walk alongside us when he was getting bogged down on the beach, there was no point in all three of us retching in the sand, but Randy wouldn’t hear it. The piggy-back rides just got slower and slower. He collapsed about a half-mile from the hotel, but even then he was only concerned about us giving him a 4-star rating. He refused to let us call someone to help clean him up so we left him there sitting alongside the road with one of the best vacation stories in the history of vacations. I hope things got better for Randy and he isn’t still lugging around drunk people on his back. It was fun, but Hailoha needs a better screening process.”