STORYLINE

Our Supplies are Low and I Don’t Think Help Is Coming

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Director Forsythe, as you requested, I’ve done an inventory of the hospital’s remaining supplies and it isn’t looking good. In the 72 hours since the accident, we have gone through all of the spray bandages, almost all of our hyposprays, and we only have about 2 days worth of gauze left if we are going to keep changing patient dressings on the current schedule. We are running low on antibiotics and someone has liberated most of the painkillers from the pharmacy. In addition, the Reparre kits have been acting up and the Newuskin booths have been equally finicky. I’m not sure how much longer we can make it, and the stories I’ve been hearing from the wounded don’t give me much hope. I think we need to have a sitdown with the remaining staff and decided our next course of action.

I still haven’t been able to make contact with anyone outside. I thought by now we would have heard something from the military, the Navy for sure, but nobody has seen or heard anything from the base. We saw a couple of fire trucks head towards the Veil Station right after the explosions but that’s it. We haven’t seen the police or any other emergency services since. After listening to what some of our patients have to say, I’m not sure if help is coming.

We have a severely burned Veilcorp employee who says that the backup system is in emergency shutdown with people caught mid-transit. That means that we might very well have another round of injured if and when the system is restored. I’m afraid that we will have to rely on what’s already here for a while. Their damn AI Valerie keeps sending messages through the emergency system to “Remain calm and find your nearest emergency shelter until help arrives.” but I haven’t been able to reach anyone there to confirm that the veil is down.

We’ve been having all sorts of technical trouble ourselves. In the last couple days, the Reparre boxes haven’t been able to recognize the DNA from several patients. We’ve noticed that it’s mostly people who were close to the station. I think the 127 might be doing something to them. We’ve been seeing lots of strange rashes and pockmarks. Stuff I’ve never seen before except in old pictures of people with smallpox. Others have developed extremely fast-growing cysts and tumors as well as neurological effects. They have uncontrollable muscle spasms before losing all control and succumbing to partial or total paralysis. Some of them scream for hours before passing out and we don’t have enough medication to sedate them. The handheld Reparre kits still seem to work fine, with their more generic stem-cell treatments, but they can’t handle some of the injuries that we are seeing down here.

The Newuskin booths have been glitchy with some of the injured too. We keep getting errors when we try and use them like the machines don’t recognize what they’ve scanned. We’re running so low on materials for them, that we’ve decided to shut them down until we can figure out what is going on. There’s also a serious problem with the electronic medical records not storing correctly.

We are completely overwhelmed. I don’t even know what is wrong with a third of the people here. I’ve never seen some of these symptoms and I can’t believe how fast they seem to progress. We had a woman who came in suffering from burns and a broken arm right after the accident. Yesterday, the skin on her entire body turned purple and sloughed off in an hour while she screamed. Even if I knew what that was, I don’t have the medicine or the technology I need to fix it. Just about the only thing left are aspirin and bandages. We’ll run out of those soon too.

I took an oath to help people and I take that oath seriously, but I think it’s time that we consider the possibility that help isn’t coming. Like you, I don’t live on the island. If the Veil Station is down we’re stranded here, but it’s a different story for the local employees. I must say their dedication has been amazing. I’ve told a number of them to go home but they all refused saying they want to stay and work until help comes or everyone gets to leave together. However, like everyone else, they are curious about what is going on out there, probably more so. We should put together a group to see how bad things are and give them an update. We have a few patients who were initially treated at The Mission before coming here. That might be a good place to start. I’ve also heard that there was a group of people holed up at the Aloha Shores condos just down the road. Maybe they’ve had better luck at contacting someone than we have.

There is a palpable shift in mood down here in the emergency room. Have you looked at the sky lately? I’ve never seen a sky like that and the rain was orange this morning. I’m not saying that we abandon the injured or our duty here, but we need to acknowledge the serious and unique nature of the situation we are in. I think an official effort to make contact with other survivors and gather information will go a long way. Making contact with the outside and assessing our situation will do a lot for morale. We owe it to these people who have decided to stay and care for their neighbors.

STORYLINE

New Manimal Drink Helps Fuel Couple’s Unlikely Rescue

A pair of extreme tree climbers were saved over the weekend after falling, and suffering serious injuries late Friday night. 27-year-old Craig Hema and his wife 25-year-old Brook, suffered broken bones and internal injuries after a failed attempt to climb Okilani, an ancient Ohi’a tree in the news recently because of its amazing growth spurt. However, it’s not the couples accident that has caught the public’s attention, it is how the pair, with the help of a new Manimal formula, saved themselves from a potentially deadly situation.

Maui has become a hotspot for recreational tree climbers over the past few years. With the discovery of many unusually large trees in remote locations, like the venerable Okilani, and the abundance of huge banyans across the island, climbers from around the world are seeking out the challenges offered by the Hawaiian wilds. Extreme free-climbing enthusiasts, the Hema’s have climbed virtually everything over the years from buildings, bridges, to mountains, but it is huge trees that have grabbed their attention lately. “It was our dream to climb every species over 130 feet tall. When we read about Okilani, we packed our gear, our Manimal Black, and bought tickets to Maui,” says Brook.

With a map to the ancient tree’s location purchased from a local, and one of the public Manimal ATVs, the pair set off to find their target. “The map wasn’t exactly accurate. By time we found her, it was already getting dark, and our ATV had died,” says Craig. “We had less than an hour of light left and heck of a long hike in the morning, so I decided we should hurry up and climb. That was a huge mistake.”

During their climb a branch broke under Brook, causing her to fall on Craig, and bringing both tumbling to the ground. Brook suffered a sprained knee, a broken hand, and multiple contusions, Craig however was not so lucky. A broken pelvis and multiple rib fractures made it almost impossible for the 27-year-old climber to move. Knowing that they would have to spend the night, Brook started a fire to see them through until morning.

“It was so cold that night, and I was having a hard time keeping Craig awake. I was afraid that if he fell asleep, he wouldn’t wake up. Luckily, we had plenty of Manimal Black to keep us awake. I knew that there was no chance he’d fall asleep pumped with so many energy charged chemicals coursing through him. Even though the bottle says not to drink more than one can every six hours, I gave him three to pound in a row. It worked! We made it through the night, and by morning Craig was really jittery and anxious to leave. Since a god portion of the way out was going to be downhill, my plan was to put him on the ATV and push him as far as I could before going out on my own for help. I packed up our stuff and poured some of the Manimal on the fire and something amazing happened. Instead of putting it out, the fire flamed up, singeing my hair. That gave me an idea.”

“When Brook said she was going to pour the rest of our Manimal Black into the ATV’s emergency tank, I told her it would never work. I’ve never been so glad to be wrong,” says Craig. “I couldn’t believe it when the motor turned over, even if it sounded terrible. The engine was knocking, it would backfire a cloud of really sour smelling fumes every now and then, and the air around us tasted like salt, but it was definitely running. We had to go slow because every bump was agony, and the engine light came on almost right away, but we made it to a main road right before the engine seized. I’ll never go anywhere again without a Manimal Black in my bag. I truly believed in saved my life,” adds Craig.

The couple were treated at the Lahaina Medical center, where Craig remains due to the severity of his injuries. DLNR Senior Investigator Greg Iona has ticketed the pair for the damage caused to Okilani, but says the tree will survive. “This is a living thing that has been around for over 4,000 years. It has seen the rise and fall of countless governments and civilizations. It has seen amazing leaps in science and technology, and the worst follies of man. Above all, it deserves to not be treated as someone’s personal jungle gym. It deserves our respect. I’m glad that the only thing permanently damaged in this case was the ATVs engine, but we can not allow the exploitation of protected flora on the island. I hope they’ve learned their lesson.”

Manimal CEO Spencer Kane, on the other hand, says that the Hema’s story is an inspiration, and he’s glad that Manimal was there when they needed it.

“Manimal Black is the most powerful energy drink ever created. There’s a reason the label says: Do not drink more than 1 can every 6 hours, not suitable for children, pregnant woman, and those sensitive to extreme hydration. We warn about jitters, unusual redness, dizziness and hot flashes, but I guess we’re going to have to add something about keeping it away from open flames,” he jokes. “In all seriousness, Manimal Black promises that it’s an overly salted, aggressively sour lemon/lime…..punch to the face. Sometimes in a crisis that’s exactly what you need. I’m glad Manimal Black could help the Hemas make it through what could have been a really dark day. We wish them many more awesome adventures with a can of Manimal by their side. Manimal Black is the perfect fuel for peak human performance, however, our legal department feels it’s necessary for me to point out that it should never be used as a fuel or fuel additive in any vehicle. It can cause misfires, reduced engine power, knocking, valve fouling, catalytic poisoning, it can act as a solvent, and can potentially cause permanent damage to your vehicle.”

STORYLINE

Kayaking Tourists Attacked While Trying To Film Otters

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Sea otters attacked a tourist and her family near Oneloa Bay early Saturday morning. The group were kayaking near the otters when the pod began to push the boats, jump out of the water, and attack the tourists. Witnesses say the otters managed to flip one of the kayaks in the horrifying attack. Several family members were treated for bites at the Lahaina Medical Center. Officials say such behavior in sea otters is almost unheard of. They are investigating the incident, and checking the otters for a possible rabies outbreak.

48-year-old Camilla Brandt says that she thought getting a few pictures of Oneloa Bay’s newly discovered sea otter pod would be a great way to cap off “the vacation of a lifetime.” However that dream soon became a nightmare, when her youngest son approached the pod with his phone out to take a picture. “It was like someone flipped a switch inside them,” says Brandt.

“Cody was so focused on getting himself in the frame that he didn’t see the big one flying through the water at him. It grabbed the front of the kayak, and almost knocked him over. The rest just started swarming. Tim and I paddled as fast as we could, but in a few seconds they were all over Cody and the kayak. Then they started jumping on our boats and trying to push us over too. I screamed when I saw Cody hit the water. Thankfully, some nearby fishermen saw the whole thing, and came to our rescue. If it wasn’t for them slapping the water, and the noise of their motor, I’m not sure we would have made it back alive. To top it off, as we were being pulled onboard, I saw one of the otters with Cody’s phone on its chest, smashing it with a rock. I don’t care what anyone says; they may look cute on TV, but these things are killers!”

The tourists were taken the Lahaina Medical center following the attack. Camilla and her husband were treated for minor contusions and lacerations, while their son Cody received over 30 stitches, and was held overnight for observation. As a precautionary measure, everyone received treatment for rabies.

Reports of conflicts between tourists and wildlife have been on the rise, particularly with the native Nene population. The State Bird has been the subject of numerous reported attacks this year. Back in February a couple claimed to have been “held hostage” by a group of Nene overnight. However, this is the first report of aggressive behavior in the otters. While he does recommend caution when dealing with any wild animal, Greg Iona of the Department of Land and Natural Rsources (DLNR) says that the otters are nothing to worry about. “We will be testing individuals for rabies, but at this point it appears laws about harassing the pod, and getting too close were broken, leading to the unfortunate incident,” Iona says.

“Such aggressive behavior in otters is almost unheard of, but all wild animals can be unpredictable, especially when they feel their young are in danger. Add that to the fact that this is a population of animals that is normally not found in this area. We don’t really know what “normal” behavior might be for the otters living in our waters. People forget that these are big animals too. A fully grown male sea otter can weigh almost 100 pounds, that’s about the size of a German Shepherd. Having said that, and despite the incident Saturday, we have no evidence that our otters are any more dangerous than normal. Right now all the witness statements are clear that despites warnings, and laws against harassing the animals, the Brandt’s were much too close. We believe something about the reflection from the phone, and the proximity to young triggered an aggressive response in the otters. We can’t say enough how important it is to give these wild animals the space they deserve.”

Local residents have mixed feelings about the attack. Some in the area say they will now keep young children from playing in the water, and will avoid Oneloa Bay altogether. Others put the blame on the tourists. One Lahaina resident however says that the real culprit in the incident is Cody’s phone, and the unrealistic view of reality that it fosters. “He may not appreciate it now, but the otter that smashed his phone did him a huge favor,” says author Kevin Morrow.

“I’ve been studying photographs on social media recently, and have been blown away by my findings. The days of simple landscape shots, and family portraits in front of a standard background are over. There is no end to the number of filters, manipulating tools, and animations a young person can add to photos now. With the press of a button they can add: beauty make-up, dog ears, stars, rainbows, or even other people and objects to their pictures. They can even digitally place themselves in other locations. They used to say that “seeing is believing” but what does a young mind do when virtually nothing they see is based in reality. It was hard enough for me to navigate my nephew’s hall of mirrors-like photo section. I can only imagine what it’s like for the average young teen growing up with pictures worth a thousand imaginary words. I believe we need to start regulating these dangerous photo filters before someone decides to get a close-up of a tiger shark to see what historical figure it looks most like. In my opinion, we’re sitting on a photo bomb ready to explode.”

STORYLINE

Researcher Claims “Therapeutic” Ziplining Can Dislodge Kidney Stones, Cure Other Maladies

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Researchers from the University of Maui Lahaina College claim they have discovered a novel therapy for curing patients suffering from the horrendous pain of kidney stones, taking a trip down a zipline. Dr. Jennifer Aluna, who lead the study, says that her findings demonstrate that the jostling and constant vibrations experienced while traveling down a zipline can effectively dislodge kidney stones in some patients.

It’s been famously said that, “It’s not the fall that kills you; it’s the sudden stop at the end.” However, Dr. Aluna says that a sudden stop could provide many with almost instant relief from the excruciating pain associated with a stuck kidney stone. Partnering with Bob Abramo’s Lahaina Zipline Tours, Aluna has just completed the first phase of a study exploring the therapeutic applications of ziplining.

“We’re building on work done over thirty years ago, and was ignored for some reason. It was shown back then that riding a roller coasters proved to be an effective way to dislodge stones stuck in a patient’s kidneys. Our research proved that it wasn’t necessarily the large fast drops that was providing the most relief, but rather the jostling and rhythmic vibrations that helped work blockages free.

We chose to work with The Lahaina Zipline Tours because of their technology. Their bidirectional lines and motorized trolleys made the modifications we needed to make for the study easy, and of course the location was nice. We couldn’t be more happy with the results! We’ve shown that a trip down the modified line is just as effective as more invasive treatments, and much cheaper than more popular methods such as ultrasound. In addition, we’ve shown that regular therapeutic ziplining can reduce the chance of future blockages. Our next phase will look into other medical applications such as relieving gallstone attacks, joint and muscle therapy, and the alleviation of migraines.”

The idea that an exceptionally bumpy zipline ride could be the cure to a number of common maladies may seem strange to most, and according to director of the Lahaina Medical Center Dr. Dalia Forsythe, it should. “I’ve seen and heard a lot of strange home remedies in my day, most involving SSHAM, but this is a new one to me. From what I can tell from the study, all Dr. Aluna has shown is that jostling can help dislodge a kidney stone in some patients. I’m not sure what the ziplines have to do with it. It seems to me any of these patients would experience the same level of relief from sitting on top of a washing machine, or riding down a washboarded road. I wouldn’t be so concerned if it weren’t for this talk about gall bladder treatments and physical therapy applications. A stuck gall stone can lead to potentially deadly pancreatitis, a patient who has just gone through a joint replacement could do permanent harm by being tossed around midair. To be honest, I’m concerned about the wellbeing of the subjects in this study.”

Bob Abramo, owner of the Lahaina Zipline Tours, says he believes in Dr. Alunas work, but is not surprised about some of the reactions the study has garnered. “Anytime you bring a new dish to the table you’re going to have a few people turn up their nose, but that doesn’t mean what you’ve made isn’t delicious,” he says.

Abramo says that the success of his Medimeat business, providing patients with the finest free-range organic medial tissues, has been a huge inspiration. He says he was initially skeptical about working with anyone from the university, but after their first meeting, he was eager to allow his business to take part.

“Working with Aluna was as delightful as a free appetizer, we hit it off right away. I was skeptical about how much work we’d need to make to our trolleys, after all you should never change a good recipe, but it turned out to be easy as pie. All we needed to do is take a file to a few bearings so it rattled around a little more than usual, and boom! Science was served. We’re working on special custom mouthpieces to help people suffering from toothaches too. Why pay a dentist to pull a tooth, when we can numb you up and rattle the offending tooth out of your head?

I love the idea of repurposing things, whether it be in the kitchen or strapping into a harness and letting a rumbling zipline strengthen a freshly replaced knee joint. We hope to offer these therapeutic rides to the general public in the near future, and I’m considering converting some of my condos into pop-up private surgical centers for those in need of quick discreet procedures. When it comes to Maui Medicine it’s a whole new day, and you better believe Bob Abramo will be sitting at the head of the breakfast table.“

STORYLINE

Abramo Medical Company Set To Expand As Patient Demand Increases

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When you think about the fast growing bio-medical industry, the first name that comes to mind might not be Bob Abramo, but it should be. Owner of the famous Abramo Chop House, the Lahaina meat mogul is best known for his numerous food enterprises, not medical manufacturing. Nonetheless, Medimeat, his latest endeavor, is becoming one of the fastest growing medical businesses in Hawaii. Dozens of patients have received treatments with various products from the new company, and the demand for the company’s free-range, 100% organic heart valves and tissues is only increasing.

Abramo Holdings LLC operations manager Brandi Essen says that she can’t comment on specific cases because of privacy laws, but claims that close to a dozen Hawaiians are walking around with Medimeat heart valves, and dozens more have been helped by the company’s products. “We believe that in addition to being delicious, meat can be medicine, and we’ve been serving the best meat you can buy for the past 10 years. Now, we’ll help people get the best medicine as well.”

For many years doctors have used animal tissues, usually from pigs and cows, for a number of medical purposes. Patches made from animal pericardium, the membrane
surrounding the heart, were often used in cardiovascular surgeries in the past, and is still a popular option for those who can’t afford stem cell treatments. In addition to heart conditions, animal products are used for: hernia repair, surgical sutures, and numerous other general surgery applications. According to Essen, the demand for locally sourced medical tissues is on the rise.

She says,

“We believe in snout to tail medicine. Over 100,000 people are saved every year by cardiovascular surgeries using animal tissues. More than 100 pharmaceuticals and medicines derived from animal co-products are currently used to: help make childbirth safer, prevent blood clots in the circulatory system, control anemia, and help those suffering from asthma. Until now, patients really didn’t have a choice when it came to what animal tissues were put in their bodies. You didn’t know what sort of feed the animals ate, how cramped their living conditions were, or exactly what chemicals they were treated with. We figured that patients would like to have the same informed options in their medical care as they had in their dinner plans. It turns out we were right. The requests have been so high that we’re actually having trouble meeting the demand. We are expanding operations to ensure that everyone who is going through something as scary as a valve replacement, can feel confident that they’ll soon be walking around with a little Abramo care inside them.”

The Lahaina Medical Center (LMC) confirms that they have used Medimeat tissues in numerous procedures, and that there is a demand for tissues supplied by the company. However, they are quick to point out that all animal tissues used in medical procedures are collected under strict government guidelines, and insist that Medimeat tissues are not “safer” or “better” than other options. “This is a potentially dangerous marketing scheme and not a medical revolution,” says a LMC spokesperson. “I haven’t seen anything like this in my 20 years of medicine. Fads come and go, and there has never been a shortage of “medical concerns of the month,” but this Medimeat thing is a new one. We have people postponing possibly lifesaving procedures because they want to make sure that they get locally sourced heart valves. I can’t believe how many people have bought into this.”

Nonetheless, Medimeat founder Bob Abramo says he’s not surprised his tissues are in such high demand, and adds that he plans on expanding the company into home health and beauty products as well. Abramo says he became interested in medical applications for animal products after attending a conference on the subject a few years ago. “When it comes to medical uses for animals…well it’s like an all you can eat buffet. My butchers are the finest in the world. They’ve been trained to waste nothing when carving up an animal into its tasty bits, but it turned out we were leaving a lot of meat on the bone. When I leaned how many uses there was for what we were throwing away, or selling for animal feed, I realized that there was gold in those guts.”

Abramo says that he plans to expand operations to the mainland, and is thrilled that his passion for medical animal husbandry has resonated so well with the public. “If you wouldn’t eat it, you shouldn’t have it inside you,” he says. Despite Medimeat’s success in providing valves, tendons, and other various tissues, Bob says he’s still hungry, and plans to expand the business into the home health and beauty arena.

“In addition to saving lives, we want to save you time with our offerings. We’ve come up with some amazing things in our test kitchen combining health and beauty products everyone uses. I’m proud to introduce two new products to the Medimeat line: Abramo Wash and Bob’s No Stick Lotion. Luggage and bag space is at a premium for travelers, and surveys have found that campers are 25 times more likely to grill a meal than the average person. These products are designed for them. A shampoo, conditioner, body wash, and marinade, Abramo Wash is designed to set your mouth awash with flavor. Trust me, you won’t believe how good this stuff tastes. We use it in a number of dishes at the Chop House, and the response has been phenomenal. Put your favorite cut in a container of Abramo Wash, and you’ll have clean hair and plates. Our other product, Bob’s No Stick Lotion, is designed for campers and gilling enthusiasts. Nothing can dry out your skin like the great outdoors, and nothing is worse than watching a piece of meat tear into pieces because it’s stuck to your grill. Our lotion is the answer to both problems. It softens your skin, and prevents your favorite foods from sticking with one little dollop. Our lotion lets the true flavor of your meat stand out, while getting those grill marks that look so good. Whether it’s a life saving tissue, or a time saving product, Medimeat will be there to serve you.”

STORYLINE

Duracave Donates Triage Tents To Help Treat Hurricane Victims

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The fallout from hurricane Neki, which made landfall early Saturday morning, will be felt for years in West Maui, but many who were injured in the storm are feeling the aloha spirit today thanks to Duracave. The company best known for high-end survival gear and portable power supplies has donated several mobile triage tents to the Lahaina Medical Center to help house and treat victims of the hurricane. Thousands of are homeless this morning and hundreds are injured from the wrath of Neki.

Nearly 400 area residents are injured filling local medical facilities well beyond capacity. That number is expected to grow substantially as rescue teams comb through the rubble. While many companies like Veilcorp and Manimal are providing shelter and energy drinks to survivors, Duracave’s donation solves a logistical nightmare for medical personnel working in Lahaina.

“When we saw all the victims left in Neki’s wake we knew we had to do something,” says Duracave CEO Barret Stone. “Duracave is about providing the tools necessary to survive and thrive in the worst conditions nature and political cabals can throw at you. Neki was bad but we’re better.”

“Not all tents are created equal. Our Liberator Modular Tenting System is the most advanced and most secure shelter devised by mankind. Resilient to extreme heat and cold, able to withstand hurricane force winds, and monsoon rains our ultra-tarp material can even keep out many first generation nerve agents. Paired with one of our innovative generators and featuring a negative pressure environment, the Liberator makes the perfect triage environment for you and a buddy, or a whole platoon. It keeps the smell of war and contagions in and any worries out. I use a mid-sized Liberator system as a mobile abattoir on my ranch. Believe me, if it can keep the smell of a 12 ton gut pile from getting out it can contain any disease.”

“The tents were a godsend,” says Director Dalia Forsythe. The Lahaina Medical Center has been hit especially hard. With supplies and personnel already stretched thin the facility simply didn’t have space for all the sick and injured. “We were treating people in supply closets,” she adds.

“Without these tents we would have lost lives. It’s that simple. This morning there was an explosion that injured dozens of rescue workers and may have exposed them to 127 and other toxic materials. Luckily, we now have the room to keep them quarantined until we know what they were exposed to. I’m not the kind of person who would usually talk highly of Duracave and their well-shared political views but they really came through as a company. There is no doubt that they helped us save lives. The hurricane has caused a lot of struggles but I’m amazed at how quickly everyone has come together to help. It makes me proud of my Hawaiian neighbors.”

Not everyone is singing the praises of Duracave however. Despite Forsythe’s admiration for the company, one Lahaina resident calls the tents an eyesore. Elizabeth Stonegate, President of the Tanager Lane Homeowners Association, worries that the tents will discourage new people from moving to the area. “We’re really missing a great opportunity to rebuild a more sophisticated Lahaina,” she says.

“I realize that Neki hurt a lot of people and my heart goes out to them but the truth of the matter is that Mother Nature has offered us a great opportunity. Many of the homes that were destroyed were older traditional dwellings. The kind of places they call “quaint” in real estate listings. We all know what quaint means, and how quaint doesn’t raise property values. Lahaina has changed a lot in the past decade. It’s growing into a beautiful modern city and Neki has helped clean up some of our problematic areas. Since many of those people won’t be able to afford to rebuild even with insurance money we should be courting a more financially secure class of people.

There is nothing about 4 giant sized medical tents that says, “come spend millions of dollars building a new home here.” It looks like something out of a horror movie. The whole reason a hospital has walls is so that you don’t have to be reminded of the sick. I feel terrible that people who chose not to take proper shelter were hurt by their actions but why should their bad choices impact my property values? While everyone is digging through rubble and putting up sci-fi plague tents, I’ve made sure all tree limbs and debris has been picked up in Tanager Lane. We have an unprecedented chance to reshape a more sophisticated Lahaina, let’s do all we can to make it happen and get rid of the tents before it’s too late.”

STORYLINE

Popular SSHAM Based Nutritional Drink To be Offered at Lahaina Medical Center

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The Lahaina Medical Center and SSHAM have reached a deal to offer certain patients the canned meat company’s wildly popular new meal replacement drink, Sshamplete. The medical facility says that the drink will be made available to patients suffering from nutritional deficiencies, or having trouble eating their meals. Offering such drinks to patients in medical settings is not unusual, but it is the first time Sshamplete has been provided as an option at the medical center.

SSHAM creator and CEO Art Pua’a says he is excited that the hospital will be “using Sshamplete to nourish, and help heal our sick neighbors.” Pua’a admits that he was skeptical about the idea of making a meal replacement drink at first, but changed his mind when he learned how many Hawaiians, especially the elderly, don’t receive the recommended daily nutrition they need. “Many don’t even know what vitamins, minerals, and nutrients they need for optimum health every day. That’s what our drink is all about. If you’re not sure that your getting all the nutrients you need, Sshamplete is there for you. Just three of our tasty drinks a day, provides everything a body needs to thrive and function properly. In addition, Sshamplete has five times the recommended dietary allowance of protein in every can, making it an excellent option for those healing from a medical procedure, and those trying to get more lean muscle alike.

Art points to recent research showing that many aging adults can benefit from an increased protein intake to help optimize their health, and protect muscle mass. “Protein is important for every tissue, and organ in the body, even the skin. Along with all the other nutrients in Sshamplete, we have created a complete meal in a can, to help aging bodies have all the amino acids they need to function properly, and maintain optimum health.”

However, it’s not just the sick and elderly who are singing Sshamplete’s praises. Many who are too busy during the day, are turning to the meaty drink for a well balanced diet as well. Local inventor Ano Lee is a big fan of the SSHAMy beverage, and credits the drink with an increase in his productivity.

“Most of my job is thinking and decisions. I ponder possibilities, imagine what might be, and decide whether or not my ideas are viable or practical. With all those decisions running through my head, the last thing I want to think about is a meal. There’s so many choices, an so many nutrients that a body needs everyday, you can get lost just thinking about it. On top of that, once you’ve decided, you have to still sit and wait for the microwave to cook it. I just didn’t have time for all that and my health suffered. Then I tried Sshamplete and everything changed. I’ve tried other meal replacement drinks before, and they were terrible. I even tried making my own, but no matter how many times I strained it, the texture was never right. Sshamplete is always smooth going down, and that’s what makes it special. To be honest the taste isn’t really that great either, and it’s really thick, kind of like a half-melted shake, but it’s so smooth that you can easily get a whole can down before your taste buds know what’s happening. Three cans a day is all you need to keep you going. I’ve never felt better!”

While the extraordinarily high protein content of Sshamplete is beneficial to some, Betsy Kaukau of the Hawaii State Department of Health, points out that a diet too high in protein can have detrimental effects on well being, and the household plumbing, leading to serious issues. “While there are potential benefits to a high-protein diet, it is important to to be aware there are some pretty serious risk as well. This is especially true for the elderly, and with the extremely high protein levels found in Sshamplete. The list of possible complications is long, and frightening: permanent kidney damage, increased risk of cancer, pvc valve fouling, and calcium loss leading to osteoporosis just to name a few.” Kaukau says the drink, unlike many of its competitors, must be consumed within 30 minutes of opening to avoid bacterial overgrowth. “Since its public unveiling, we’ve have multiple cases of Shamplete drinkers suffering from diarrhea, vomiting, and severe intestinal distress. On top of that, it has become very popular with shark cage tour operators as a chum. It reportedly, is very good at drawing-in a wide range of aquatic species, particularly sharks. I don’t know about you, but I would have extreme reservations about providing a substitute for rotting fish heads, offal, and fetid animal oils to an elderly relative in poor health. As far as I’m concerned the cure is worse than the disease in Sshamplete’s case.”

STORYLINE

Escaped Therapy Animals Cause Temporary Lockdown At Lahaina Medical Center

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The Lahaina Medical Center was on lockdown this morning, and sections remained closed for several hours, as DLNR officials and wildlife experts worked to capture numerous escaped animals. Those familiar with the case say a patient accidentally released the wild animals, including an adult wolf, from their carriers letting them run free throughout the facility. Hospital officials say patients were never in any danger, and all the animals have been recovered without major incident.

Brandon Kama, a part-time DLNR ranger, says that when he started “Creature Comfort” he was inspired by two things: “The great wolf rehabilitation work done by the Hahai Ranch, and Mr. Sprinkles, Lahaina’s most famous therapy pig.” Kama says, “Patients of all ages love visits from the sparkly little pig. Like many animals, Mr. Sprinkles seems to know who needs to have their spirits lifted, and who needs some extra comfort and reassurance. I looked at that kind of unorthodox therapy animal, and thought about how the people at the Hahai Ranch were rehabbing wolves and giving them a second chance, even letting some of them work with people on hunts. I just knew that I needed to combine the two. I thought that if I could use rehabbed wildlife to encourage sick and injured people, both would benefit. That was the idea behind Creature Comfort.”

Brandon says his organization has rescued hundreds of animals over the past three years, including many non-native species including: large birds, rabbits, foxes, squirrels, opossums, and raccoons. “Basically anything that can get hit by a car on the mainland. Veil transport has really opened up the possibilities for wildlife rehab. You can have a facility almost anywhere now.” Kama says. Creature Comfort rehabilitates the injured and returns them to the wild if possible. If an animal is deemed incapable of release, the organization works on socializing it for use in its hospital therapy program. “Patients like seeing and learning about wildlife that they might not normally encounter. It’s an amazing program, with a great track record,” he says. However, things didn’t go quite as planned this morning.

According to an anonymous employee, the trouble started when Kama and his employees left a lounge used as a holding area for the animals unattended for a safety briefing with staff. The employee says, “From what we’ve been able to piece together, a heavily medicated patient walked past the lounge with his grandchildren and noticed the animals. We’re still not sure why, but he decided that the animals needed to be freed. Dozens of rabbits and squirrels, a handful of raccoons, and an older wolf on loan from the Hahai Hunting Ranch, were released in the hospital. It wasn’t long before things got out of control.”

According to reports the wolf found her way to the maternity ward and took up residence just outside the birthing rooms, growling at anyone who tried to enter the area. “I don’t think Loba [the wolf] would have hurt anyone, she was just trying to protect the babies,” says the employee, “She was actually the easiest to deal with. They shot her with a tranq gun and put her away. The raccoons and squirrels were a different story. The racoons got in the ductwork and spread out. A couple found their way to the kitchen and wrecked the place. They chewed up trays, spilled stuff all over, and you wouldn’t believe how much they could eat. It took hours to find the last one, but by far the worst were the squirrels. Somehow, many ended up in a room with a patient who has a history of animal hoarding. We took three squirrels out of the room right away, but it turned out she was hiding them. A few hours later we found a few more in her room. After we captured all the other animals, we found her playing with yet another. We’re still a few short, so we’re not sure if we’ve found all the places she has squirreled away the squirrels.”

Medical Center spokesperson Dr. Dalia Forsythe confirmed that, “a few squirrels remain unaccounted for” but says all other animals have been captured without harm to patients or wildlife. “Today was a bit more exciting than normal,” she says. “We routinely work with a number of therapy and wellness organizations to improve the morale of our patients. We believe that the positive interactions groups like these have with patients improve spirits and medical outcomes. Even though today didn’t go quite as planned, we have worked with Brandon and Creature Comfort many times in the past. With some changes as to how the animals are stored when not interacting with patients, we plan on working with them again in the future. Although, we would probably request leaving Loba behind next time. Delivering a baby is hard enough, without having a growling wolf outside your door.”

STORYLINE

Hailoha-Health Set To Expand To Big Island Despite Concerns

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Hailoha’s latest offering, Hailoha-Health, was launched late last year to much fanfare. The service targeting: healthcare providers, hospitals, imaging facilities, clinics, and those unable to drive themselves to appointments, has driven a rocky road over the past 3 months. Despite numerous complaints about the service, particularly by a wide range of Lahaina medical professionals, Hailoha has announced they plan to expand the service to the Island of Hawai’i by this summer.

Nella Lawe, Hailoha Vice President, says the company saw a need for a healthcare transportation service, and stepped in to fill the gap. “As alarming as it may seem, more than 4 million American’s miss medical appointments because they don’t have access to transportation, or the money to afford the exorbitant price of traditional healthcare transportation. Hailoha-Health has saved lives.”

The company says that Hailoha-Health offers the sick and infirmed a reliable and efficient way to get to appointments. They say patients enjoy that their drivers are their neighbors, making what can sometimes be a anxiety-ridden experience more pleasant. Hailoha says that all their drivers are trained in HIPAA compliance and standards. In addition, the service is designed so medical centers can book rides on behalf of clients using Hailoha’s customer booking dashboard.

“We go to great lengths to protect client privacy. Medical data is never stored or handled by our drivers. The only information your driver ever knows is your name, where you are, and where you need to go. We’re not an ambulance service, but we are handling another type of emergency in the medical field. We’ve already seen a 20% uptick in clients making their appointments thanks to our service, and I’m sure that’s just the beginning,” says Lawe.

However, not everyone believes that the what the company is offering is good medicine. Many healthcare professionals have lodged complaints about the service, drivers, and Hailoha business practices. Lahaina Medical Center Director Dalia Forsythe is one of the company’s most vocal critics, saying the company, “isn’t offering the cure to anything but common sense.”

“There is a reason that healthcare regulations exist. It takes a long time to grasp the ins and outs, learn all the HIPPA rules, and become certified in basic first aid, including CPR. To say that these drivers can learn everything they need to know in one afternoon of instructional videos is ridiculous! It’s not just patients that are in danger either. Hailoha says their service is restricted to people only, but drivers routinely make deliveries of tissues, and even organs from facilities trying to save a dollar. I’ve personally witnessed a driver pull donated corneas from a cooler filled with beer, and I’ve heard of drivers losing biopsy tissues on the way to a lab. Hailoha says that they are not an ambulance service, but I’ve seen many patients in dire need of medical attention try to save a little money by calling them, instead of an ambulance. People have absolutely died because of that choice. I agree that there is a real issue here with regard to transportation, but we’re not going to fix the problem with just a band-aid and Hailoha-Health.”

Despite Dr. Forsythe’s misgivings the service has grown substantially since the beginning of the year, and is quite popular not only with those in need of transportation, but with drivers themselves. Local resident and part-time Hailoha-Health driver Randy Wilcox says it’s a great way to give back, and learn about your neighbors in need. “To tell you the truth, I’d do this for free,” he says.

“I have friends who are Hailoha drivers and love it. My buddy Mark had been trying to get me to drive for close to a year. He said it was fun, and an easy way to make a little extra money, but it seemed kind of boring to me. Then I heard about Hailoha-Health, and I knew I had give it a try. I was not disappointed. Sure, there’s lots of calls from old people who need to go get their meds, or get that spot on their leg looked at, but you can just decline those jobs. I hang out by the cliffs, or the beach when the surf is big, anywhere I think people could get injured, and it’s paid off. I love the controlled chaos of an emergency call. I can drive as fast as I need to, cut through parks, down closed trails through the preservation zone, and get paid when I’m done. Just last weekend I had to drive through two different soccer games, while taking a shortcut for a woman who’s ankle looked broken. It was exhilarating! Of course the police say that driving people to the hospital for a living is no excuse for “reckless driving”. I’m fighting the tickets though, and I’m sure the judge will see it my way once I explain everything to her. As long as I still have a license, I’m going to keep driving Lahaina’s most injured, at a high rate of speed, to the medical facility of their choice. It’s been awesome so far!”

Hailoha says the new service will debut in Hilo June 7th.

STORYLINE

Man Airlifted To Hospital After Excessive Manimal Consumption Leads To Organ Failure

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A Lahaina man remains in serious condition after his Manimal consumption left him fighting for his life, due to massive multisystem organ failure. While there is growing concern that drinking large amounts of energy drinks, like Manimal, could have long-term health effects, doctors say that this is the most extreme case they have ever seen. The patient’s prognosis remains guarded but hopeful this morning.

25-year-old Steven Nauwe says that he began Tuesday just like any other day, with a couple cans of Manimal. A groomer and dog walker at DA Kine Groomers in Lahaina, Nauwe admits that he drinks a lot of the popular energy drink,

“I love Manimal! I don’t know for sure how many cans exactly I’d go through in a day, probably a few dozen on average. It’s just way more convenient than sitting down and eating something. I like being on the move, and Manimal lets me feel something I call “the surge”. It starts with the first few cans in the morning. It makes my body hum and helps me focus. I’ll have a couple more on my way to work and I can feel my muscles start to pulse with energy. I’ll grab one more from my locker while I’m changing my clothes, and BOOM, I can ride the wave of energy all day. I guess the surge was just a little too strong this time.”

Co-workers say that Nauwe is a diligent worker that can always be counted on to do extra work, even if he is a bit manic at times. DA Kine manager Julie Loelu says that everyone liked working with Steven, but nobody knew how sick he was. “We all thought he drank too much Manimal, but I don’t think anyone expected this. Steven is loved by all the employees. He is the fastest groomer I have by a mile, and he always volunteers to walk the dogs. He not only keeps his station immaculately cleaned, but he’ll clean yours too, sometimes while you’re still working. He’d been acting strangely for a couple days but I didn’t think much of it. Then Tuesday night, he asked if he could stay late to count and organize the dog hair. Thinking he was joking, I said sure and left for the evening. When I came back in the morning it was like a horror movie.”

Steven says he had not slept for several days leading up to Tuesday night but was unconcerned and assumed it was because he was, “riding the surge”. He says, “I don’t remember much after my morning Manimal at work to be honest. I didn’t feel any different, if anything, the surge felt even better than usual. I remember getting the idea that I should count the hairs and organize them by length in the afternoon and couldn’t stop thinking about it. Julie said I could stay late to do it, and everything went fine until the AC started. I had pushed all the grooming tables together, and had been working all night when the fans kicked in, and blew hours of work all over the room. I was really upset, and couldn’t figure out how I was going to get it all reorganized. The next thing I remember was waking up in the hospital.”

When Loelu arrived in the morning she found a chaotic scene. “Steven was standing in the middle of the grooming area screaming gibberish. There was fur all over the place, all the equipment was strewn around the room, and he was bleeding from his eyes, ears, and mouth. I screamed right along with him at first, I was so scared. Eventually, I calmed down and could see that he needed help, so I took him to Community Health. They took one look at him and called for air rescue.”

Doctors at The Queens Medical Center in Honolulu found that Nauwe was experiencing massive multisystem organ failure. According to doctors, the excessive amount of Manimal that Steven drank had drastic effects on his endocrine system. Reports indicate that Nauwe was in a thyrotoxic crisis, had greatly elevated glucose levels, and deadly amounts of cortisol, and other stress hormones in his blood. A hospital spokesperson says, “Virtually all of Mr. Nauwe’s system were on the verge of collapse when he was brought in. His thyroid, adrenal, and pituitary glands were malfunctioning. The mix of improper hormone levels, along with the massive amounts of caffeine, taurine, gaurana, and other stimulants from the Manimal he was drinking, was wreaking havoc with his body. In addition, It was discovered that the patient was suffering from extreme osteoporosis, as his bones had been leached of minerals by his hypermetabolism. This was a first for us and I will say on a personal note, my house is now Manimal free.”

Manimal CEO Spencer Kane has been in contact with Nauwe and says,

“I regret that Steven had to go through something like this, and would encourage all of our customers to seek medical help immediately if they think they are experiencing organ failure. Intensity comes with a cost, and sometimes the hardest thing for a real-life Manimal to do is regulate their energy intake. Unfortunately, the brightest flames burn the quickest. Be that as it may, I would encourage our customers to enjoy our drink in radical moderation. A good rule of thumb is to get most of your daily caloric intake from a source other than Manimal. Our products are completely safe, and have been thoroughly tested on animals much smaller than our customers, without any serious long-term problems. I want to assure the public that this was an isolated incident and they don’t need to worry. Steven just had his foot on the gas a little too long. We wish him all the best and a speedy recovery.”

Nauwe is stable this morning but remains in serious condition until doctors can return his hormone levels to normal. “Things are a lot better today. My eyes stopped bleeding this morning and the nurses say that’s a good sign that I’m getting better. They say that almost dying can make you see things in a new light and make better choices. I’ve already made some big decisions, like cutting out the commute Manimal from my daily routine and limiting myself to a six pack while I’m at work. I’ve been given a second chance and I plan on drinking slightly less Manimal this time around.”