STORYLINE

John Driscol: Restored from Backup

Saraphim? No, I don’t want you to burn anything in the room, or rub anything on me. I just want the usual treatment. Saraphim….restoration? No! I come here to catch up on sleep. I don’t want anything extra. I’m an Ambassador class account holder and I don’t come to the spa to be harassed! I don’t want any Saraphim or any extra restoration why do you keep asking me if I want……. Her name is Saraphim. There was an accident. Everything is gone. This is not relaxing.

I’m still a little confused and groggy. She asks me about the last thing I remember. I tell her how I’d been using the treatments to help me fill my sleep bank. I’ve found that getting a 10-minute treatment in one of the new machines was just like getting a full night’s sleep, and I like overfilling my sleep bank whenever I have the chance. I remember the machine shaking. That was it. That was when it all ended.

She says she’s a Newuskin account specialist and she was able to save a “select group of clients who were being held in the back-up system”. She recently got this restoration point working. It’s just off Front Street and she wants me to explore downtown. She says that I’m not the first person she’s restored. That’s all I need to hear.

I died the perfect death, and this overachieving customer rep decided to ruin it. It takes me a minute to figure out where I am. So much is ruined and overgrown. She says it’s been over 60 years since the fracture, and some other stuff that I don’t pay attention to. I don’t know about the other people she brought back, but I’m not going to go poking around for her. I went my entire life never working a full-time job, and I’m not about to start after the apocalypse. I tell her I’m going to see if the Laki Beach Lodge is still standing. I need to lay down and figure out what to do.

It’s still standing alright, but like this day, it looks like a nightmare. It’s out on an island now. I can see things moving in the dark channel that surrounds it. I can hear music coming from the building, but something about it doesn’t feel right. The closer to the water I get, the worse I feel. I see an old valet stand and a call button. Saraphim says I should push it. My gut is screaming for me not to. The fact that this lady thinks it’s a good idea to push the button, lets me know that I shouldn’t. I just need someplace to sit and regroup. She says it might be dangerous for me to sit in the open. I can’t understand why she’s doing this to me. I’m going to give her managers an earful if they’re still alive.

I can’t believe what I’m seeing at first. It’s one of the public Manimal ATVs and it’s running. That alone is shocking. With all the problems they had through the years, I never would have imagined they would have survived the destruction of the world. It isn’t the ATV that stunned me, however. It’s what is around it. A group of little….things are taking it apart. I suddenly realize what must have happened. Finally, my luck may be changing. The day isn’t a total loss after all. They’re aliens! I have a plan. I run towards the little hairy things.

Since I was a kid, I always loved stories about people being put into alien zoos. There are plenty of sc-ifi stories and comic books about hapless humans being forced to live on display for the amusement of an advanced species. While they are supposed to be scary, I’ve always thought it was a dream come true. All your meals are provided, top-of-the-line health care, nobody telling you what to do, not to mention the breeding programs, it just doesn’t get any better than being put into an alien zoo. I haven’t seen anyone yet so maybe humans are rare. I think I might have a shot, so I start yelling when I get close. Things do not go as well as I would have liked.

It turns out that I know the old man. His name is Pa’ani Mahelona, he was a few grades ahead of my daughter Rachel. He explains that what I thought were aliens are something called Menehune. They take things apart and sometimes eat people. Unsurprisingly, Saraphim seems completely unconcerned that a group of armed people had to save me from being eaten alive by a group of tiny cannibal-car-strippers. She won’t stop asking questions and telling me what to do. I wish I could shut her off. All I want is a nice place to lay down for a while. I’m hopeful that is finally going to happen until he recognizes me from the Veil Sale show.

He asks if I’m John Driscol, and I say that I am. He seems really excited. He hits me with a barrage of questions: Where have you been? How did you get here? Are you injured? Are you affiliated with anyone? On and on. It’s giving me a headache. I think for a moment about jumping off and trying to find more of these Menehune. At least they’d eat me in peace, without wanting to hear my life story, or ordering me around. When he asks me about Rachel however, things change. I ask if Rachel is alive and if he knows her. Immediately the mood changes. He says that he thinks she’s still around but isn’t sure. He says she and that dancing kid Kaholo started something called the Tappers, and asks if I’d be willing to try and talk to them. I can’t understand why everyone is so quiet and why he’d ask me something like that. I tell him, “Of course I will. Why wouldn’t I want to talk to them, especially if it turns out that she’s still alive.”

A few of them start to whisper, and Pa’ani says we’ll talk about it when we get to Pu’u.
It’s hard to filter Saraphim’s constant talking out, but I manage. Today might be salvageable after all. With any luck, there is a comfortable chair waiting for me in Pu’u, and by the end of the night I’ll be living it up as Grandpa Tapper. Hopefully, Rachel has a nice cozy place and a soft bed for her long-lost father. I just hope she’ll hold off with the questions until morning when I fully relaxed. It’s been a rough first day back, and I’m not sure I can handle much more.

STORYLINE

Fall Showcase Highlights Student Talent in Pu’u

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College officials, military recruiters, and business representatives will descend on Lahaina tomorrow, to attend the annual Pu’u High School Fall Showcase. It may be early in the school year, but this is the night many of the young Blue Wolves have been preparing for their whole lives. Every year, the event connects promising students with those eager to meet, and cultivate the newest promising talent. In a world where acquiring skilled young people is at a premium, the Fall Showcase has become one of the most important events of the year for students. This year is no different, with two promising young people in particular, garnering a lot of attention.

“Things have changed a lot since I was a kid,” says Pu’u Principal Pa’ani Mahelona. “Thanks to Veil travel, these kids have the widest job market available that any generation has ever seen. Companies, schools, and governments from around the globe are looking to find the next Hank Gaud, Adler Walters, or Eric Oeming. They’re starting to track these kids earlier and earlier every year. The Empire of Equatorial Guinea for instance, has a very aggressive young talent recruiting program that focuses on children in elementary school. It’s a lot of pressure, and I’m amazed at how well our students handle it. Nothing seems to shake them. If the world were to end tomorrow, I’m not sure I’d want to be anywhere else, but surrounded by these remarkable young people.”

While all students participate in at least one event throughout the day, and have a chance to meet with recruiters, two of Lahaina’s brightest stars are getting a lot of attention. Mahelona says that Junior Rachel Driscol is one of the greatest minds he’s ever seen pass through the halls of Pu’u. Rachel has already been recognized by her school, the state of Hawaii, and Veilcorp for her achievements. Her wearable echolocation system has piqued the interest of many, and she is sure to have a busy day. Tap prodigy Kaholo Mae will have fine art schools, and entertainment reps dancing at a chance to meet the young man who has been called “grace given flesh.”

“It’s going to be hard having two famous people in the family,” says Rachel’s father and local celebrity John Driscol. He says that his daughter has been amazing people with her knowledge and inventions since she could ride a bike. “She built this electric motor for her bike before we took off the training wheels. Man that thing was fast!” John says he’s proud of his daughter’s accomplishments, and jokes that he didn’t have anything to do with cultivating her intellect. “There’s quite an age gap between Rachel and her siblings, I hadn’t really planned on being a dad again this late in my life. Honestly, she interfered with a lot of my beach time. On top of that she was a disagreeable baby. There were days that I thought she’d never stop crying, and I couldn’t wait to hand her off when my wife came home. Then one day, I was trying to listen to the audio directions to restart our smart home monitoring system, and she stopped crying. I had her listen to all kinds of instructions that day. It turned out she loved listening to textbooks, and anything else long and boring. It just goes to show you how tricky kids are. I spent way more time with her siblings, and there’s nothing special about them; but the one I leave in a room listening to a robot voice reading a dictionary all day turns out to be a genius.”

Kana Mae, mother of Kaholo Mae, on the other hand says she worked hard to cultivate her son’s love of the fine arts. “He was dancing in the womb,” she says. “Seriously, he’d kick his feet in time with the rhythm of whatever I was listening to, and he made his taste in music known even then. He seemed to love jazz, and the old standards the most. I could feel him shim sham and boogie drop whenever I’d listen to one of his favorite records, and he’d hitch kick me right in the ribs if I was listening to anything too loud or aggressive. As soon as he could walk he was dancing. I glued taps to the bottom of his footie pajamas, and when he got older he spent every penny of his allowance on outfits, hats, shoes, and canes. There was a point a few years ago that I thought I’d never get all the sequins and glitter out of the carpet.”

Kaholo blushes when listening to his mother’s stories about his early passion for dance. “It’s kind of embarrassing, but it’s all true,” he says. When asked about how he and the other students feel about the showcase, and the pressure Mae says, “I just try and back shoulder roll with it. Everyone says my Bandy Twist is amazing, but what is really amazing is my dance crew, and all the other talented kids showing off what makes them special. With the student leadership conference in town this week as well, I’m really looking forward to letting off some steam at the dance this evening, and meeting kids from all over. I think if everyone had a chance to see what we are bringing to the stage and table, they wouldn’t worry about the future. When I look around Pu’u, and the leadership conference, I know that my generation is more than capable of handling anything that gets thrown our way.”

STORYLINE

Consumer Group Sues for Testing of SSHAM’s New Product Line

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A little over a month after SSHAM launched its new “Regional Flavors” line with such eyebrow raising flavors as goat infused SSHOAT, and the duck based SSHUCK, a consumer advocacy group has sued to stop distribution of the new products until DNA testing can be done. The watchdog group, “Truth in Labeling” says that over 50% of the samples they have tested do not contain any trace of the animals listed on the packaging. They are seeking an injunction forcing SSHAM to halt production until thorough genetic testing is complete. The Hawaii Department of Health has launched its own investigation into the matter. A SSHAM spokesperson says the company is cooperating fully with authorities, and stands behind the authenticity and flavor of their products.

Many SSHAM lovers were surprised by the sheer amount of new flavors launched last month, and while many were skeptical about their palatability, Truth in Labeling had much more serious concerns. A statement released by the group reads in part, “…..Unfortunately they [SSHAM] have chosen to cut corners, and knowingly use less expensive meats in at least half of the products tested. Customers were told to “Say shalom to SSHLOX in the morning!” However, instead of brined salmon, DNA testing shows that many were eating either carp or shad. We can think of no reasonable series of events in which one of the most prized and expensive freshwater fishes could be mistakenly replaced with species often considered “junk.” We believe SSHAM has intentionally mislabeled their products in an attempt to dupe the public and increase profits. We hope the court agrees, and we applaud the Hawaii Department of Health for their proactive measures.”

Betsy Kaukau, an investigator for the Department of Health, says that food oversight has made great strides when it comes to fresh items, but mislabeling of canned products happens more than most people think. She says the department is currently testing cans purchased at a number of stores from all over Hawaii, as well as samples of the new products confiscated at the factory in Lahaina. Kaukau warns about the dangers of mislabeled food, and claims that consumers need more protections.

“Back in the 2010’s mislabeled fish was a huge problem in the industry. Studies showed that fish was being mislabeled in stores by as much as 87%. One study that looked at 120 red snapper fillets found that only 7 of those fillets were actually red snapper. Thankfully laws were passed and we now routinely DNA test fish in stores and restaurants to make sure consumers are getting what they are paying for. While we’ve almost eliminated counterfeit fish and other fresh items, we dropped the ball on canned and processed food. In my opinion mislabeled food is the single biggest threat we are facing as a society. The lies these companies tell erode away consumer confidence, and can have serious effects on people with allergies and special dietary needs, whether they be medical or religious. It seems like SSHAM is going around slapping a couple of S’s in front of foods, and putting whatever they want in a can, despite the laws put in place to prevent such actions. People worry about war, crime, or the lasting effects of 127, but what they should really be scared of is the ticking time bomb of canned lies waiting to be opened in their cupboards.”

SSHAM denies the allegations and has hired its own independent testing company to sample the entire product line. The controversy comes at a bad time for the company. It was announced just days ago that it was a sponsor of this years upcoming Oktoberfest in Munich, where they planned to unveil their SSHAM infused spatzle, SSHATZLE, to the hungry crowds. “Consumers can count on our products to have accurate labeling, and the shrimpy, salted taste they’ve come to love,” SSHAM says in their response to the lawsuit.

While many have found the allegations shocking, some diehard fans have come to the company’s defense. One such SSHAM fan is John Driscol. The Lahaina native says that the findings were probably a mix-up and that nobody could taste the difference anyway.

“I really like SSHAM. It’s easy to cook in all sorts of ways and comes in it’s own container so there’s no dishes, but let’s be honest. I’ve tried some of the new flavors and they pretty much all taste just like regular SSHAM, really salty processed meat with a slightly fishy finish. They may be slightly different colors or have slightly different textures, but it’s all just ground up meat slurry. Maybe one in a million could tell the difference, but most people wouldn’t be able to tell the difference between SSHOAT or SSHAM First Pressing Reserve. It’s like that Bob’s Best Burger blend you can buy at Big Bites stores. It’s supposed to make the best burgers you’ve ever had, but it’s almost $7 a pound. There’s no way I’m paying that crook Abramo that much for burger. I just saved some stickers and put it on the burger when we have cookouts. Nobody has ever been able to tell the difference. The same is true for these new flavors. There’s nothing bad for you in it, besides the extraordinary amounts of sodium and nitrates I mean. Meat’s all the same once its been blended into a slurry with salt and spices. These people need to relax and not worry so much about what’s in the processed meat product they’re eating.”

STORYLINE

Watchdog Group Warns That Explosion at Lahaina Business Was Caused by 127-Laden Fruit

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The investigation into a recent accident at one of the popular “Pineapples and Oranges” smoothie bars in downtown Lahaina took a strange twist today, thanks to the watchdog group VeilWatch. The group released internal Veilcorp documents which they say prove the explosion at the popular bar was caused by fruit “saturated by high levels of element 127.” Officials say that they are exploring any and all leads regarding the accident which injured 5, but have not had time to review the documents sent to multiple media outlets yet. Veilcorp vehemently denies the group’s claims calling them an “unfortunate but wholly predictable attempt to mislead the public.”

One of the most beloved refreshment stops on Front Street, Pineapples and Oranges, has expanded throughout Maui, but the busiest store remains the original Lahaina location. It’s not unusual to wait 20-30 minutes during peak hours, and the lines on the weekends have become legendary. Given its popularity, officials say it is a miracle that more people were not injured after an explosion rocked the store hard enough to shatter windows on Saturday. Despite early reports of another terror attack, investigators now say they are focusing on a malfunctioning LuWow! blender as the most likely culprit. However, Tim Durney, former investigator for the Iowa Department of Natural Resources, and founder of the watchdog group VeilWatch, says that he believes unprecedented levels of 127 in bananas is responsible, and he has the documents to prove it.

“To be clear, the cause of this explosion which sent 5 innocent people to the hospital was likely smoothie ingredients laden with 127. We’ve released internal Veilcorp communications proving that the corporation knew that 127 has potassium-like affinities making it possible to build up in explosive amounts in certain fruits, like bananas. Thanks to the company’s Icarus project, we’ve already seen what the dangerous levels of 127 currently saturating the Earth can do to animal life. It should come as no surprise that it would have an equally deleterious effect on plants. In fact the emails we released today prove that Veilcorp knew about the potential problem and failed to warn the public. Who knows what else is slowly being charged with 127, and getting ready to blow.”

Veilcorp officials released a short statement reading in part, “Far more dangerous than Mr. Durney’s theoretical banana bomb, is his unfortunate but wholly predictable attempt to mislead the public…We wish those injured this weekend a speedy recovery. It is a shame that Veilwatch chooses to exploit such incidents to further their agenda of misinformation and cloud this investigation.”

While the new accusations may not add any clarity to the situation, one man present during the explosion says he believes the investigators are on the right track. Store manager John Driscol says that one LuWOW! machine in particular is to blame.

“Everyone who works in the Front Street store knows the history of machine number 4. We have 8 commercial blenders at that location, but number 4 has a mind of its own, and it’s troubled. I took this job because I’m a huge smoothie fan, and I didn’t know exactly what a store manager did. I thought I could just delegate most responsibilities. I’m a great delegator, but it turned out the job occasionally demands I be more hands-on than I thought.

Number 4 is the only original smoothie machine left, and it’s had a bad attitude ever since we got rid of its companions. It started making really weird noises during the defrosting cycle at the end of the night. It sounded like a scream mixed with laughter. I thought for sure a bearing was going out, but it’d stop whenever maintenance showed up, and they could never find anything wrong with it. Then, It started making the noise whenever an employee spilled or broke something too. It was really unnerving. It got so bad nobody wanted to use it. Eventually it went too far and things got scary.

One night it was cackling louder than usual, so I told Bobby to take the top off and look inside, hoping that he’d see something that maintenance missed. As soon as he took the top off the cleaning cycle stopped. He saw a big chunk of ice caught in the corner and tried to pull it out. When he stuck his hand in, the thing started again and it took off the tip of his finger. We dumped out the whole tub but never found the gram of flesh it took from Bobby. But it had now tasted blood. It started to make the noise whenever he got close, and he couldn’t take it anymore. Bobby requested a transfer the morning of the incident. I was so mad that I went out there and told number 4 that I’d be damned if I was going to lose a good fruit dicer to an evil smoothie machine. I was in the middle of my rant when it blew. People may think we’re crazy, but everyone at the store knows what happened, and what’s to blame. It was number 4. I’m sorry that so many people were injured, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t going to sleep easier knowing that smoothie machine is gone.”

STORYLINE

Cabana of the Year Competition Kicks Off Lahaina Week Celebration

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All of Lahaina is buzzing in anticipation this weekend for the announcement of the winner of the “Cabana of the Year” title on Sunday. The competition, now in its 19th year, marks the official start of the Lahaina Week celebration. More than 100 cabana’s are in the running this year vying for the coveted title. While the competition has always sought to highlight the ultimate in beach comfort, this is the first year that corporate cabana’s will compete in their own category.

It may not garner the press of the Manimal Drinking Contest that closes Lahaina Week, but the Cabana of the Year event is a favorite with the locals. For almost 2 decades residents and businesses alike have constructed the ultimate outdoor lounges perfect for relaxing, and appreciating the laid back island feeling that has made West Maui a vacation paradise.

“In my opinion it is one of the greatest competitions in the world,” says resident and judge John Driscol. Star of the popular Veil Sale reality show, Driscol has judged the competition since its beginning and says, “I’m not aware of any other event that so perfectly encapsulates the area in which it is held as the cabana competition. In my opinion, these respites from the hustle and bustle of everyday life aren’t just places to lay back, have a drink, and stare at the water. They are true works of art.”

“It’s easily my favorite time of the year. Everyone has had moments in their lives that changed everything. I’ve been lucky enough to have three: the only time I saw my father cry, the birth of my precious daughter, and the first time I judged the competition. It was amazing! I thought that I’d never be more comfortable again in my life, but I was wrong. Every year, someone ups the lounging game, and it’s been a pleasure to be a part of the evolution of seaside drink sipping.”

This year marks the first time that corporate cabanas will compete in their own division. “It’s a long-time coming,” says “Uncle” Ralph Umeke, owner/operator of the famous Hula Noodle eatery and cabana contestant. Umeke says he appreciates local businesses wanting to be a part of the festivities, but they had an unfair advantage over the competition.

“I love Lisa Hunt and all the folks over at Veilcorp, but it is unrealistic to think that your average person could build an oasis as nice as one built by the largest corporation in the world. I think my tiki themed cabana has all the heart of the island, and class of the 1930’s when an appreciation of Polynesian art and culture started to spread across the world. There’s just no way I could install a mini-veil, and offer a thousand item beverage list like they could. One time SSHAM created a cabana out of a giant can with edible furniture inside, and Manimal had a wave simulator one year. All those things are great, but not something that your average resident could afford. Now the lounges have been leveled, and everyone can get back to enjoying themselves and embracing the aloha spirit.”

Many are praising the decision, especially with the black and white mark left by last year’s competition. While the event is supposed to highlight the ultimate in tranquility, 2049 was anything but tranquil for inventor Ano Lee, when his entry was plagued by a group of raccoons. The animals overran Lee’s cabana during judging, eating all the canapes before moving on. Three people were bitten in the ensuing chaos, and the contest was suspended for several hours until the little bandits could be rounded up.

“It was my fault. We had been feeding the trash pandas for weeks while we worked on a new chaise lounge design. Of course we never work without music, so I assume they started to associate the “Chill” playlist with food. I guess they must have heard the music when we set up. I was so busy fluffing pillows and explaining the modular nature of our printable cabana with the judges, that I didn’t notice the raccoons until it was too late. Next thing you know they’re trying to climb up my legs to get at the hors d’oeuvres and everyone is freaking out. I feel really bad for the people bitten, but we’ve been feeding them with totally different music than what we have playing in the cabana this year, so it shouldn’t be a problem. We’re really trying to forget the whole incident, and show off our latest custom lighting rig. I’ve never been more eager to hurry up and relax.”

STORYLINE

Museum’s Ancestral Skills Workshop a Hit In Lahaina

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The Lahaina Museum’s Ancestral Workshops, which offer visitors a hands-on opportunity to learn the survival and crafting skills used by the first Hawaiians, has become one of the most popular events in town. The workshops come hot on the heels of last year’s wildly popular ancestor exhibit, which featured a number of artifacts including shark-toothed weapons called Leiomano. Tickets to the workshops are almost impossible to come by, and the waiting list now extends through the end of the year. Curators Balen and Maci Kiko say they are thrilled at the community’s response and plan on continuing the program next year.

“We want to teach people that when it comes to Hawaiian art and crafts, there’s a whole lot more than just leis,” says Balen. The museum has numerous stations where visitors can learn about the art and clothing of Hawaii. Experts will demonstrate how to make everything from lauhala bracelets, kukui nut art, coconut dishes, various ti leaf crafts, and even a class on making Kapa, the traditional barkcloth made by early Hawaiians from plant fibers.

Ike Hoomana Spokesperson for the Office of Hawaiian Culture (OHC) says he’s impressed with the workshops, especially the detailed history of featherwork. “Without a doubt the most important ancient Hawaiian craft was featherwork. As well as being beautiful and incredibly ornate, It held great social and spiritual significance. Rare feathers were used to create helmets, capes, and elaborate hair ornaments that only the nobility was allowed to wear.”

“It’s not just art on display at the workshops. We also focus on the hunting and fishing techniques of the Hawaiian people,” says Maci. “It is amazing how much these people could do with what they found around them.”

Patrons are taught a number of primitive traps used to catch birds and early agriculture methods. However, the sea provided the biggest bounty and Hawaiians developed numerous fishing techniques. Hooks shaped from human, bird, dog, or whale bones as well as, pearl, turtle shell, or wood are on display. There are demonstrations showing how early people made fishing line and nets from olona fibers and colored them with Koki`o dye to make them less visible in the water. The numerous methods used for trapping fish are also discussed, and some of the simpler methods such as fish baskets, are demonstrated to guests.

The Kiko’s say they are thrilled that so many share their appreciation for the beauty and inventiveness of the early Hawaiians. “We’re talking about incredibly brave people who arrived with little more than their boats, knowledge of the ocean, and ingenuity. I think we can all appreciate, and learn a little from these incredible people,” said Maci.

While most echo her sentiment, not everyone is thrilled about the hands-on nature of the workshops. In fact, local resident John Driscol says the skills taught are potentially dangerous. “The bay was exceptionally calm that day, so I decided to give up my spot on the beach, grab my air mattress, a few beverages, and float away the afternoon. I had no idea that my world was about to turn upside down because someone wanted to practice their ancient fishing skills,” he says.

“When I awoke, I couldn’t figure out where I was at first. I was still floating, but the ocean was at least 50 feet away, and I could barely see over the handmade wall of sharp rocks that surrounded me. After a few seconds, I realized that I was caught in a tidal fish trap. It’s designed as a sort of corral to trap fish at low tide. My mattress and I had drifted a few miles while I was asleep, and the wind had pushed me into the trap. I’m no expert on poisonous coral, but I’ve heard that in nature the more colorful something is the more toxic it is. Looking underneath me, everything was colored like neon lights. It was too shallow to swim without touching any of the coral, and I had lost my shoes. I had left a game running on my phone and it was dead, so calling for help was out of the question. Worse still, I had failed to properly close my floating cooler and all the beer was no longer cold. I knew it might be hours before the tide would come in, and free me from my mini-pool jail. I was already a little sunburned, and it was only going to get worse. Fearing that I might be on the verge of dehydration, I tried drinking one of the warm beers, but as soon as the lukewarm brew touched my tongue, I spit it out. I knew that before the day was done, I might be forced to drink a warm beer to save myself, but I wasn’t that desperate yet. Nonetheless, I put it back just in case. It was torture floating around in there. Normally, I could easily do nothing for hours, but knowing that I had no choice in this case was terrible. I never really liked survival movies before, but enduring those hopelessly uncomfortable three hours before the tide rose and freed my mattress, changed something inside me. The horror of that time, carefully paddling around the tidal trap, with suboptimal beer opened my eyes. I’m afraid I’ll never be able to enjoy doing nothing ever again.”

STORYLINE

Veilcorp To Start Its Own News Service

Veilcorp has announced that it plans to start its own news service with reports and coverage specifically geared towards the corporation’s customers. Instead of traditional journalists, the service will rely on local “experts” and smart drones for all of its stories. Two pilot programs will start this week, one in Lahaina, and another in Seattle. Veilcorp says the new service will provide travelers with important local news, and offer a true look at the “unique atmosphere and vibe of our many destinations.”

Veilcorp is no stranger to exploring other various business opportunities, but the news business is different from its previous ventures. Veilcorp has had a complicated relationship with the media. Many accuse the company of having a cozy relationship with certain journalists, softening the coverage to some of the corporations more questionable decisions. None of those decisions was more controversial than the media ban following Eric Oeming’s return to Lahaina, after the terrorist attack that killed his wife, daughter, and employees.

With this kind of baggage, and an already saturated news market, one might wonder what would set Veilcorp’s news service apart from the crowd. According to Lahaina inventor Ano Lee, the answer is technology. “The news service will be using modified versions of my party drones, and will be integrated with the massive Glimpsea camera network,” says Lee. “My party drones were already designed to recognize: large groups of people, music, and lights, so I could find where the fun was happening on the weekend. We simply added cameras and the ability to set other targets of interest, whether those are areas, events, or specific objects and people. Now, Instead of sending back the GPS coordinates of the biggest parties on the island, the drones, with the help of the Glimpsea network, film whatever they have been assigned to cover.”

Veilcorp COO Lisa Hunt says that while the technology is cutting edge, the idea is quite simple, provide customers with a true understanding of the places and people that they are visiting. “Veilcorp, more than many other companies or organizations, is in a unique position to offer travelers the best local news available. We have a worldwide network, and a deep understanding of what travelers want. Numerous customer surveys have shown that people crave real-time and honest information about the places they are visiting. Our news service has no agenda other to inform our customers about the happenings, and important issues in their area. We use drones guided by local experts and contributors, to give veil travelers insight into the locals, and hear what issues are on their minds. Our goal is to offer great local news on a global scale.”

Some media outlets have scoffed at the idea of Veilcorp running a news service, and have questioned the credibility of any reports from citizen journalists and automated drones. A statement released from VeilWatch calls the proposed service, “One of the most dangerous propaganda tools ever devised, for the most dangerous organization the world has ever seen.” However, many, including people tapped as contributors, say the new service would offer a fresh, and much needed take on how local news operates, and what it covers.

Lahaina resident, and Veilcorp appointed expert John Driscol says he can’t wait to start his show, “Veil-Curious”. “They asked me to be in charge of Arts and Leisure. As everyone knows I’m a leisure expert. If you can’t find me relaxing on the beach, and counting waves, you can usually find me relaxing on another beach. I’m friends with numerous artists as well, so it seemed like a perfect fit. The best part of this service is the drones. I’ve never been in charge of something so simple. You just provide a few key activities, and specific things to look for to the techs. They load the information into the drones, and off they go. All you have to do is comment on what they capture. If you want to change up the coverage, you just assign new cues, and parameters. It’s really as simple as that. When Veil-Curious starts, people can look forward to lots of coverage of: tourists falling off paddle boards, beach bar reviews, and real-time tracking of that old guy who sells Italian ice from his cart. I really love that stuff, and he’s hard to find on the weekends.”

Veilcorp plans on officially launching the service on Friday, the 18th.

STORYLINE

Veilcorp and Glimpsea Launch “Familiar Faces” App

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You find yourself in a new city, far away from the place that you call home. The sights, sounds, and even smells are unfamiliar. Everyone’s accent is different and there is a whole host of local slang terms to learn. Even the street food is different here. You’re not sure where the cool place to hang out is or if you’ll have anything in common with the people there. You are on your own. It’s one of the hardest parts about being a child who moves to a new town, but is it also a burden for tourists? Veilcorp seems to think so. The company is launching a new app called “Familiar Faces” designed to help visitors feel more at home and help them connect with local businesses while staying in Lahaina.

The ceremplant app helps visitors locate others from the same geographical locations, using Veilcorp facial recognition data and Glimpsea’s Lahaina View Project. In addition to helping visitors find others from the same area, the app provides companies with highly targeted ad opportunities.

“We run the feed from our cameras through a Veilcorp facial recognition system and Familiar Faces does the matching. A map shows you where people from your area are in real time. Feeling like a stranger in a strange land can be one of the hardest parts of traveling. The app is great way to find someone to talk to when you’re far away from home. We’re excited about the possibilities here and are already in talks with other cities about expanding the service. I believe tourism bureaus across the country will be begging for this kind of program,” says Simon Ike Vice President of Glimpsea.

Veilcorp has big plans for the pilot program. They see Familiar Faces expanding into other areas and becoming an integral part of everyone’s vacation experience. Brie Howard Vice President for Special Projects and Strategic Growth (VPSPSG) says, “The app also uses information gathered by our 3rd party partners to identify people with shared interests. If you’ve booked an ATV tour of the preservation zone, you’ll see others who have as well. If you asked about deep sea fishing, you’ll see who else has booked a charter. It’s a giant win for local businesses. With a premium subscription, a company can get a real time map of people interested in their services. This offers a wide array of valuable and highly targeted marketing information.”

However, not everyone is excited about having a real-time location service available to anyone. Many have accused the Familiar Faces app of being a stalker’s “dream come true.” They accuse the company of “pushing the boundaries of personal safety for a dollar,” pointing out that the program is currently opt-out for visitors. Some have more basic concerns about the program.

Local resident John Driscol is a vocal opponent of the new app and was one of many protesting in front of the Mayor Cravalho’s office this week. He says,

“I was not born and raised here but I found things to do without the help of an elaborate tracking system. I started counting waves the very first day I arrived. Part of the joy of wave counting as a hobby is the solitude it provides. A guy can sit and really ask himself the important questions in life: Will this cooler keep my drinks cold enough? Will I be able to completely relax in the next 7 hours before my kid gets home? Will they have the initiative to make themselves something to eat if I’m late again? The last thing I need is some out-of-towner who thinks that counting waves is easy, breaking my focus by wanting to talk. It’s not just the hassle of being interrupted that I’m concerned about. My life is significantly different now than it was before my wife and I moved here. I was a legend back home. No event was complete until I made an appearance. They could have made movies about my life in my early 20’s. I don’t want someone from my home town seeing me now and reminding me of what might have been. There’s a reason I skipped my 20th class reunion. I had some great times back then. Being a husband and father is really hard work, and the last thing I need is a walk down memory lane.”

STORYLINE

Hundreds Rescued From Veilcorp “Floatilla Protest”

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Off Baby Beach this morning, the so-called Veilcorp “protest floatilla” dissolved into disarray, less than a week after it began. Hundreds of protestors had to be rescued from the water with dozens being treated for exposure and related injuries. 6 people are in serious condition. Officials say alcohol and drug use contributed to the chaos, adding that they are looking into charging protest organizer, John Driscol.

According to Driscol it all started last Saturday, April 11th. He had just had a heated conversation with a tourist about the safety of Veilcorp’s Icarus project and the solar production of 127 (Unbiseptium). Many, including prominent scientists, are concerned about the impact the element is having on the surrounding environment.

“I was so hot after talking to that know-it-all, that I had to leave the beach bar and cool off in the water. I stepped on an urchin almost right way, and that’s when it occurred to me: Veilcorp is making Lahaina a terrible place by storing huge amounts of 127 in the ground and ruining our beaches by dumping thousands of urchins in the water. There’s no way I could actively do anything to stop them, they’re a huge organization. If I had any chance of making myself and my concerns heard, I’d have to do the opposite. I’d do nothing, and I’d do nothing for a long time. I’m good at nothing and It didn’t surprise me at all how fast the protest caught on.”

Armed only with floaties, kayaks, paddleboards, and a few swimming mattresses, John and a few friends floated out in the Baby Beach area and begin their lackadaisical protest. Word of the unique demonstration spread quickly through social media. By Sunday, hundreds, some with boats, had joined Driscol in his floating revolt against Veilcorp and the status quo. That evening, the story was picked up by numerous media outlets and the response was “staggering”.

While many were confused about the exact purpose of the floatilla or how they planned on accomplishing their goals, some locals embraced the idea and offered their help. Inventor Ano Lee provided the floatilla with 5 of his Sharknet modules to help protect against attacks. “I’m not necessarily behind the movement, to be honest I’m not even sure what it is they hope to accomplish, but I love the idea of almost a thousand people becoming convinced that floating in the sun and drinking beer is a radical form of protest. I’ll support that kind of thinking however I can, just to see what will happen,” Mr Lee said.

Others provided suntan lotion and offered emergency floatie patching services. Driscol says, “I made it clear that this was a BYOB kind of thing, but a couple of my backers did send out care packages of pineapple and orange wedges, cherries, and pretzels to help us keep our strength up, but there just wasn’t enough bar garnish for everyone.” Officials estimate that at its height Wednesday evening, a living raft of almost 10,000 protesters had joined the floatilla and major issues began to surface.

Those issues came to a head Thursday night and carried over into this morning. Over 30 first responders worked on treating victims overnight suffering from severe dehydration, heat stroke, and exposure. A dozen conservation officers weaved their way through the water, conducting safety checks and looking for underage drinkers. They estimate that the cost of the cleanup effort to remove all the trash left by the protestors is going to reach into the tens of thousands. Ocean Safety lifeguards and the U.S. Coast Guard are scheduled to assist the effort today. Many are now calling for the government to break-up the floatilla and file charges against Driscol. An anonymous source inside the mayor’s office says that at the very least, Driscol will be billed for the cleanup and emergency response.

Veilcorp COO Lisa Hunt says she is bewildered by the protest, its leader in particular, and hopes that everyone makes a full recovery, despite what they think about the company.

“I’m rarely surprised these days but I have to admit the size of this group of disgruntled floaters amazed me. Very early on we made contact with Mr. Driscol to ascertain exactly what it was he wanted and his quote was, ‘I want you to stop.” When we pressed for specifics about what it was he wanted stopped he responded, “You know, all of it.” That was the extent of our negotiations. The fact that anyone got behind this man is astonishing to me. John Driscol is like some sort of mythical creature from a parable. He has become so lazy and unwilling to take responsibility for his actions that he has created work for himself, and will be left holding the bag for all the misdeeds of his fellow floatillians. It’s an amazing accomplishment, but not one anybody should be proud of.”

STORYLINE

Veil Station Review Controversy Hits Lahaina

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It is one of the most recognizable buildings in the world and a West Maui landmark. Lahaina’s veil station is one of Veilcorp’s busiest and an architectural marvel. Nearly 5 million tourists pass through the station’s walls every year. According to online reviews, most of them love their experience. Visitors highlight the many amenities offered inside as well as the numerous package deals for day trips and seeing the sites. However, hundreds of those reviews are now being called into question. Lahaina has joined a growing list of municipalities that are accused of paying for fake reviews to increase tourism. Mayor Albert Cravalho says his office is looking into the allegations but denies that the city has “…commissioned any false testimonials or reviews.”

There are many things Veilcorp concierges can help you see or do in Lahaina but two tours have recently grabbed public attention. The Lahaina Shrimp Pools offer tourists a chance to soak in mineral-rich waters while native hand-sized freshwater prawns caress their bodies, exfoliating skin, drawing out toxins, and any stress they might be holding in. Wahikuli’s Hyacinth House is a traditional structure built completely of flowers by a fisherman’s widow while she waited in vain for his return home. One reviewer called the house, “A tribute to indescribable beauty and unfathomable pain.” Both attractions have dozens of 5-star ratings but there’s just one problem. They don’t exist. According to the latest allegations, the city council sought out these fake reviews to increase tourism and secure the Lahaina station as the highest rated in the world.

In a statement, Mayor Cravalho says he has no personal knowledge of the scheme and “highly doubts anyone on the council has solicited fake reviews.” He adds, “We have strict rules and guidelines that we follow in regards to our marketing campaigns as well as our Veilcorp related initiatives that prohibit the sorts of things that the council has been accused of. While I’m confident we’ve done nothing wrong, we have launched a complete investigation to get to the bottom of the allegations and restore the public trust.”

While Veilcorp itself hasn’t been implicated so far, there’s no doubt that the company is feeling pressure over the fake reviews. At a briefing, COO Lisa Hunt told the media that the company does its best to make sure customers have access to accurate information and is looking into the matter internally.

“All of our stations are designed to offer our customers the safest and quickest travel experience available. Our partners have all been vetted to ensure that they are offering the best experience for travelers looking for shopping, a special meal, a relaxing day, or the trip of a lifetime. We take these allegations very seriously and will take swift action if it’s proven that fictitious reviews were commissioned by anyone. We can instantaneously transport people anywhere in the world but as amazing as our technology is, we can’t police the internet. Fake reviews are an unfortunate part of modern life, and we do our best to flag questionable comments with the appropriate social media platforms when we find them. We look forward to the findings of Mayor Cravalho’s investigation and have started our own inquiry into the matter.”

Despite the mayor’s denial and Hunt’s statement, many say there is a thriving review business in Lahaina and the truth isn’t required to cash in. One local man says it’s possible to make a living doing nothing but posting reviews if you’re prolific enough. John Driscol says he’s posted reviews for discounted products, free meals, gift cards, and to pay off parking tickets from the city.

“If you have a device, an internet connection, and thumbs willing to type, you can make it in Lahaina. Just about every business has some sort of discount or gift offer if you post a review. It’s a great way to make a few extra bucks and get a free meal if you’re hungry. I’ll admit that I did leave a review for that flower house thing. It sounded so cool that I thought people would really like it. I even thought about checking it out myself and anyone who knows me knows that I don’t like going anywhere but the beach or the bar. I didn’t go of course but I thought about it. I don’t write a review of anything unless I’ve heard someone else talk about it first so I don’t feel like I’m doing anything wrong.

To be honest, the only time I thought something might not be right was when I was approached by that one guy about posting things about how great the Lahaina veil station was in exchange for paying off some outstanding parking fines. I asked him if that was legal and he said “of course” so I did it. Now there’s all this controversy and they’re saying it’s bad but legal? Like, what does that mean? Are they going to put me in review timeout? All these questions are cutting into my free time. I wish I could remember the name of the guy who asked me to write the reviews so I could get everyone off my back. I’m about 60% sure I’d recognize him if I saw him again but evidently, that’s not good enough. This was supposed to be an easy way to make money without any effort, but it’s turning into a relaxation killer. 1 out of 5 stars. Would not repeat.”