Environmental Group Demands Billboards Be Removed From the Preservation Zone

The Lahaina Conservation Association (LCA) has announced today that they have sent a demand letter to Bob Abramo and filed an official complaint with the mayor’s office requesting that the controversial Abramo Chop House and Meat Museum signs be removed from the preservation zone. Mr. Abramo’s office says that the signs act as an important safety feature for tourists who may become lost, by offering recognizable landmarks and extending wifi coverage to the entire zone.

Not counting the infamous case of the Hower family who became lost while hiking along the Pali Trail, misplaced or disoriented tourists were not a major problem around Lahaina. Last year that began to change. 2047 saw dozens of official searches and a handful of legal cases claiming that the trails were dangerous and that the county was slow to respond to reports of missing visitors. Many worried about the complaints draining limited resources and hurting tourism. A call for more clearly marked trails and an expansion of wifi service was put out. That call was answered by Bob Abramo.

Known more for his meat-centric businesses and his real estate holdings, many were skeptical of Abramo’s intentions. According to LCA spokesperson Kimberly Hekili that skepticism was correct, “Mr. Abramo clearly knew that he was bending the rules of the agreement he signed with the county. While it’s true that his billboards are recognizable and expand coverage through the preservation zone thanks to the Phxicom wifi towers mounted on top, they are hideous. People travel from around the world to enjoy the raw natural beauty of our wild places, not be assaulted with billboards with bad puns like: ‘You never saw sausage place!’ or ‘We’ve got a lot on our pâté!’ The advertisements are clearly against preservation zone rules and we are demanding that they be removed immediately.”

10 billboards in total are spread throughout the zone and along the trails. Each of them tells how far you are from Abramo’s wildly popular eatery and points in its direction. The public response was quick and loud. Many called for a boycott of Abramo businesses until the billboards were removed. Others found the signs kitschy and amusing. However, officials were not amused and ordered Robert to take the billboards down. Abramo refused and a legal battle began. While the case has been going on for almost a year, insiders say that an agreement is near and will be announced by the end of the week.

“I’m not really sure what all the fuss was about,” says Abramo.

“Like my steaks, I think our signs are extremely tasteful. The county had a problem and I solved it for them. I’ve met every condition of our contract. The Phxicom towers we’ve provided now cover the entire zone like a tasty peppercorn sauce. Each sign is easily spotted and points in the direction of civilization and deliciously tender ribs. If the mayor’s office had a problem they should have said something during construction. The bottom line is that the county doesn’t have a leg to stand on. This was a federally sanctioned project and we met all of the FCC criteria present in the agreement. The reality is that we could mount a thousand foot tower every fifteen feet and the county, city, or state couldn’t say word boo. However, I’m not completely unreasonable. We offered to shut off the lights, even though that defeats the whole purpose if you ask me.”

Preservation Zone Compliance Liaison Elizabeth Stonegate says she has worked hard to resolve the issue which she blames on “underwhelming” legal advice from inside the mayor’s office. She resents the intrusion of the environmental group, warning that it may upend a tentative agreement reached over the weekend. “The LCA is completely out of their depth,” Stonegate says.

“If a demand letter was all we needed to void this contract the situation would already be resolved. Ms. Hekili’s ineffectual attempt to make her organization relevant in this situation is laughable. This in not the first time Kimmy has tried to assert herself. It seems like whenever she reads that a problem regarding the preservations zone is about to be solved, she sticks her nose in and claims victory. It’s actually a little sad. As I’ve told her before, the adults have everything well in hand, so she doesn’t need to worry. She should feel free to return to the kids table and look at all of her participation trophies. We’ve already reached a provisional agreement without her help, that I believe will make everyone happy. Details will be released in a few days and I look forward to seeing how the LCA plans on taking credit.”

Court orders emergency halt to Veilcorp construction project

A Hawaiian court has ordered an emergency stay on two of three Veilcorp construction projects this morning. The suit brought by the Lahaina Conservation Association (LCA), sought to end the construction of 3 underground storage facilities inside the preservation zone. Environmentalists are hailing the early morning order as a big win against what they call “an increasingly hostile opponent.” Veilcorp officials on the other hand point out that the construction projects were a result of a law initiated by these same groups.

Hurricane Neki hit Maui hard on July 5th, 2047. The storm made landfall in Lahaina and caused widespread damage. From many businesses on Front street, to large swathes of protected forest, there was no shortage of work for clean-up crews. An already difficult job took a potentially dangerous turn when a 127 (Unbiseptium) container was discovered along the beach. Later in the day more containers were found in a number of locations, and officials were alerted. 5 containers were eventually found, and although they all turned out to be empty, the scare sparked a push to better regulate the storage of the dangerous element.

The Maui Conservation and Recovery Act promised to tighten regulations on the storage of 127 and other hazardous materials, as well as put limits on the amount of those materials stored in one place. Despite objections from Veilcorp and a handful of business organizations, the measure had overwhelming public support. It was passed quickly and unanimously and signed into law by the governor.

Controversy soon followed concerning Veilcorp plans for the construction of new underground storage facilities. Officials in Honolulu approved the construction of 3 new warehouses and an accompanying tunnel system beneath the Lahaina Preservation Zone. Opponents were quick to protest the decision, and filed an appeal to have the new projects shutdown.

LCA spokeswoman Kimberly Hekili says,

“The regulations in the preserve would prohibit Veilcorp from building these storehouses above ground. It seems ludicrous that the State has decided it would be fine to let them build beneath these areas. The whole thing stinks of collusion and reinforces our belief that Veilcorp believes the rules don’t apply to them. Earlier this year we saw how entwined the company is with the Mayor’s Office with their trash scandal. Reports continue to roll in about how dangerous 127 can be, yet the company’s Icarus Project continues to bombard us everyday. While we are disappointed that only 2 of the 3 construction operations were shut down today, we are hopeful that our voices and concerns will be heard. We suggest that the company uses some of their record-breaking profits to improve their technology and find a safer power source. Their marketing materials talk about bringing people together and creating a global neighborhood. Their actions however prove that they are not concerned about the health and safety of the people in that neighborhood.”

Veilcorp was set to break ground on all 3 projects simultaneously during a media event this afternoon. The company says they will still hold a ceremony for the single approved dig and have filed their own emergency appeal. The company had hoped that the event would be a turning point in overall public opinion and a growing distrust of many here in Lahaina.

Veilcorp COO Lisa Hunt says she just wishes the environmentalists would make up their mind.

“The people who filed for this emergency stay are the very same people who pushed for the law requiring us to build these facilities in the first place. The plans were approved by the governor and the Department of Land and Natural Resources (DLNR) months ago. They were available to the public immediately upon their approval. I’m sorry that these people were too busy making each other bracelets, peeling garbanzo beans, and offering words of encouragement to nesting birds to read the actual legislation that they had pushed for. We are already overburdened with preservation zone regulations and frankly we don’t have the time or inclination to deal with a bunch of part-time environmentalists. These plans have already been approved by real scientists who understand complex biology, and environmental systems. While I’m sure Kimmy thinks she is saving the world, I would suggest that she and the rest of her drum circle move on and put their energies into issues that they can grasp.”

A response to the Veilcorp appeal should come later today, while a final decision on the remaining construction projects could take months. It may take a while for the courts to weigh in on the issue, but others are ready now. Preservation Zone Compliance Officer Elizabeth Stonegate says,

“I appreciate that Ms. Hekili likes to think that she is in charge. Children often pretend to be the boss of something when they play together. Unfortunately for her I don’t have the time or desire to pretend with her and her friends. I was appointed by the mayor to oversee these issues and I’ve done a remarkable job. As far as I can remember Kimberly wasn’t even in the running. I can assure her and the other children in her group that the adults have everything under control. She should get back to dealing with whatever it is she pretends to do best and leave the hard work to me.”

Opposition To Emergency Siren System Grows In Lahaina

A new multimillion dollar alert system in Lahaina is facing stiff opposition from residents, business owners, and environmentalists alike. A petition has been started asking the county to postpone a scheduled test at the end of this month until a number of concerns have been addressed. The county says that the system is a long needed public safety feature and has no plans to halt the test, or its expansion.

Installation of the new alert system began last month with little public resistance initially. County spokesperson Ellen Pahili says, “The alert system is something that we’ve frankly needed for a long time. After the wide-spread panic and confusion caused by the Veilcorp attack in 2041, it was decided that we needed a better alert system. It’s just too bad that it has taken 7 years to actual make any headway on the project.” Pahilil says that the devastation left behind after hurricane Neki, and the subsequent fireworks explosion, proved the need for the system to many holdouts. “If we could have warned everyone when Neki was about to make landfall we could have saved lives,” she says.

The Maui Emergency Management Agency, along with The Hawaii Emergency Management Agency, plans on testing the system along the Honoapiilani Highway, around Kahana and the Lahaina Waste Water Treatment Plant. The test is scheduled for Thursday, May 28 between 9am and 4pm. Officials say nearby residents may hear the siren sound eight to ten times for one-minute intervals during the identified time frame. Testing will include a series of short blasts known as “burps.” Emergency management officials and technicians will be conducting a number of system checks at that time to ensure everything is working properly.

The Lahaina Conservation Association’s (LCA) spokesperson Kimberly Hekili says that the test will disrupt the lives of many endangered animals, one of the most important of which is the Hawaiian monk seal. The official state mammal of Hawaii, the Hawaiian monk seal is one of the most critically endangered marine mammals in the world. According to NOAA estimates there are less than 500 left, with less than 50 calling the main islands home. With a breeding population residing near Lahaina, Hekili says we can’t afford to scare mothers away from their newborn pups. “These beautiful and rare creatures are one of the two mammal species native to Hawaii. They were here before people, and it’s our duty to ensure that they can continue to survive here. For the first time in decades, we have a group of seals using the waters and beaches in Lahaina as a nursery. They are already protected under the Endangered Species Act, and the Marine Mammal Protection Act, so we don’t understand the county’s decision to potentially scare these vital animals away. Times and technology have changed. With the ubiquitousness of ceremplants and smartphones, we don’t need a siren based alert system anymore than we need a city blacksmith.”

Other residents have concerns over the sirens as well. Noted author and Lahaina resident Kevin Morrow worries not only about startling the seals, but people too. He has started a petition to postpone the construction and testing of the alert system until the county addresses a number of misgivings.

“My major concern about this system is its potential to dramatically startle someone. We’ve all spilled or dropped something when we were startled. According to my extensive video research, many times these spills involve hot beverages and burns, as well as the destruction of valuable electronics. It has been proven that human beings make poor decisions while under stress and terrible decisions when they’re scared. If the county truly wants to help people during an emergency situation, they wouldn’t put them in a panic with a 135 dB scream during the middle of the night. I have provided the county a number of alternative sounds that could alert the public in a more responsible way: seabird calls, any standard ring tone, dogs barking, or ukelele music. Even a loud but calm voice saying something like, ‘Please be advised that something terrible is about to happen. We recommend that you immediately seek shelter in an orderly manner and await further instructions.’ I believe that any one of these alternatives will serve to alert the public, as well as avoid any unnecessary frightening.”

Pahili reiterates that the system is long overdue and counters, “We’ve consulted with a number of DLNR biologists who say that the tests will not have any negative impact on wildlife, including the monk seals. As far as Kevin Morrow goes, what we are most concerned about is the continued coverage the Lahaina Advertiser gives this man. There is a long history of the paper printing his misguided ideas and eccentric theories. We believe this exposure is not helpful to the public in general, or Mr. Morrow specifically.

Water Treatment Plant Implements New Purification Process Using SSHAM and Electricity

Lahaina customers woke up this morning to news that their water will be disinfected using a eyebrow raising new treatment system. The county Department of Water Supply announced that they would be replacing chlorine gas, with SSHAM and electricity to make water safe for the public. Officials say the new process is just as safe as the previous method, but is cheaper and better for the environment. If all goes as planned, the department will be retrofitting the new water treatment system in its seven other surface water treatment facilities across Maui.

The new process takes advantage of SSHAM’s unique texture which acts as a natural filter, emulsifier, and enjoys some interesting anti-bacterial properties. After an initial run which cleanses the water of large particulates, electricity is added combining with the salt in Hawaii’s favorite meat product, making a hypochlorite solution, similar to household bleach. This solution is much safer to store, and for plant staff to handle. The department says the new treatment system meets all state and federal drinking water quality and safety requirements.

Mayor Cravalho hails the new system as a shining example of Hawaiian ingenuity and the Aloha spirit. “The truth of the matter is that we’re still feeling the effects of hurricane Neki. Even with the help of disaster relief funds, Lahaina is facing a $500,000 projected budget deficit this year. Just carrying out the normal business of government is a struggle, let alone helping those still suffering from the storm. Luckily, we live in a place where the aloha spirit is alive and well in our residents and businesses. Glimpsea’s Lahaina View Project has helped keep citizens safe and identify which areas need help the most, and Manimal’s help rebuilding our drainage and sewer system has been a great gift to the community.

However, this system for cleaning our water devised by SSHAM engineers is as remarkable as it is special. The company’s donation of all the SSHAM we need for the next year, truly shows the heart at the center of every can, and the character of its founder, Art Pua’a. Like many, I’m a fan of reading through the SSHAM Stories page to see the creative things people have come up with for “The meat of 1,000 uses,” but I never dreamed of this. We’ve all been through a lot during these past months, and in a lot of ways, it’s brought out the best in us. I’m not sure how many uses there are for SSHAM, but I know one thing for sure, this has to be the best of them.”

In a statement released by the company during the announcement, CEO Art Pua’a says: “SHHAM isn’t just the maker Lahaina’s preferred processed meat product, we’re part of the neighborhood. When we heard that the county needed help we knew we had to act. We use a similar treatment process in our facility. It’s a little known fact that the water that goes in SSHAM is first filtered with SSHAM. I’m thrilled that we were able to scale the process up to facilitate the municipal water supply. Everyone knows that there’s a lot of spice, shrimp, and mechanically separated pork parts in every can of SSHAM, but there’s also a lot of love. I hope Lahaina can taste that love in every glass of water this morning.”

While many share the mayor’s sentiments, and praise the innovation involved with the new water treatment process, some have concerns about the system’s safety and effectiveness. The Lahaina Conservation Association (LCA) says they plan to seek an emergency injunction against the treatment plant and the county until the SSHAM treated water can be thoroughly tested, and the process studied. Spokesperson Kimberly Hekili says, “This morning’s announcement left a taste in my mouth, but contrary to Mr. Pua’a’s hopes, I’m pretty sure it was disbelief and disgust. The wholesale selling of the Lahaina infrastructure to the business community has to stop. What’s next, the Big Bob Abramo Child Welfare Department? As a vegan I find the thought of the municipal water supply filtered through a loaf of animal parts and who knows what, to be unacceptable and beyond the pale. There’s no telling what the effect of water going through this “treatment” will have on the environment. I don’t think you can put a price tag on Lahaina’s natural areas, but I’m sure it’s worth more than a can of SSHAM.”

Kohole Mayoral Campaign Picks Up Steam Despite Growing Controversy

Despite a series of questionable public appearances, and a laundry list of eyebrow raising statements, the Rodger “Rod” Kohole campaign for mayor continues to pick up steam against incumbent Albert Cravalho. Undeterred by the candidate’s comments about removing government protections from natural areas, and advocating the use of violence against his opponents at a campaign stop yesterday, the Kohole train continues to gain momentum. In fact, recent polls show Kohole pulling to within 5 points of Mayor Cravalho.

Rod Kohole’s rise as a political figure in Maui has been an unorthodox one, riddled with complaints and allegations. After his forced retirement as a justice of the Hawaiian Supreme Court at the age of 70, Kohole moved to Maui and began a number of agricultural and energy businesses. However, Rod couldn’t stay out of politics for long, and within a year he had formed the Foundation for Natural Law, a non-profit legal organization dedicated to fighting “government overreach” in all areas. The foundation represented a handful of geothermal drilling companies wishing to drill inside the preservation zone, but its first high-profile case was fighting an anti-foie gras initiative on behalf of one of Kohole’s farms. It was then that the opinions of the retired judge, and his unfiltered manner of speech began to grab headlines.

His followers say that they appreciate Kohole’s direct and rough manner, a departure from the usually laid back atmosphere that permeates everything, even the political arena, on Maui. His campaign slogan, “Let’s Ram Rod In the Mayor’s Office!” seems to perfectly represent his campaign so far: unorthodox, controversial, and aggressive. Many expressed concerns after he was asked about the problem of the working poor in Maui and he answered: “I keep hearing about the poor and the working poor. I have to be honest, we didn’t have working poor when I was a kid. Do you know why? Because if you work hard enough in this great country, you’re not poor! You don’t have to be a genius to figure it out. It’s simple math. If you haven’t prepared yourself for adulthood or are just too lazy to get another job, then, I’m sorry, but that’s you’re problem, not mine. Nobody who has the gumption to work 80-100 hour weeks is poor. I’m gonna start slapping these assistance checks out of hands, and replacing them with shovels when I’m in office.”

“His rhetoric is dangerous and he is appealing to the worst parts of our nature,” says Ellen Pahili, spokesperson for the Mayor’s office. “Albert Cravalho has changed Maui for the better and offered the kind of mature, steady leadership that we need going forward. Like many of us, I check my newsfeed every morning to hear what outlandish thing Mr. Kohole has said next, but that isn’t leadership. That’s a spectacle. This is a man who when asked if any government regulations were needed at all, like protections for child labor, said: ‘No! We don’t need someone in an office on a hill somewhere telling us that kids shouldn’t have jobs. Having a job builds character. The truth of the matter is kids are just better at certain things that adults. Crawling into tunnels or exhaust tubes for cleaning, assembling electronics and garments, all those things that are easier to do with little bodies and little hands. I believe in giving children the right to work, especially children who aren’t college material.’ What more is there to say? Rodger Kohole’s day-to-day statements are our best advertisements. He is a dangerous and misguided man, unfit for office.”

The Kohole campaign counters that it is Cravalho who has put the public in danger through numerous controversial programs and decisions, and the terrible Veilcorp Luau bombing that claimed the lives of 10 people, including Tracy and Alohi Oeming, wife and daughter of Veilcop founder Eric Oeming. They say only Kohole has the courage to stand-up to the special interests, and protect the hard working people of Maui.

Kohole arrived at the Chop House yesterday riding a pig and brandishing a sidearm, much to the delight of his assembled fans who call themselves “Ramrods”. Kohole wasted no time in giving the crowd the kind of speech he has become famous for. “I just wanted to show everyone how I plan to ride the swine out of office. I brought this, [the gun] just in case the hog or my opponents had other ideas. I want the powers that be to know that we’re taking it all back by any means necessary. We’re going to drill wells for power, we’re going to harvest trees, we’re going to use the bounty that has been provided us, without worrying about what the scientists, and tree-huggers say. I promise that when elected the first thing I’m going to do is open some of these areas that have been designated as native lands. In my America you own land through hard work, not because your ancestors lost a fight. The days of participation trophies, big government, apologizing, and trigger warnings are over.”

Kimberly Hekili from The Lahaina Conservation Association (LCA), calls the prospect of Kohole in office a, “nightmare.” She contends that years of restoration and conservation projects would be undone, should the retired judge win the election. “All you have to do is look at other areas where thinking like this has prevailed. Kohole would have us strip mine the mountains, pollute streams in the pursuit of energy readily available in other cleaner methods, and hunt endangered animals into extinction. He even wants to strip protections from the Nene, our state bird, in order to use them to create a specialty foi gras market on the island. Electing Rodger Kohole would be an ecological disaster.”

The general election will be held November 8. Pundits say that despite being written off early in the primaries, the slow and steady growth of Kohole should worry Cravalho. They say his campaign mirrors some of the growth of the populist movements 30 years ago. With only a little over a month left until the election, both campaigns are sure to ramp over the next few weeks.