STORYLINE

Attention SSB&P Employees: I Don’t Think You’re Hungry Enough!

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Hello SSB&P employees. As we approach Q3 together I wanted to give you an update on changes to the org chart, and share some of my concerns. In short, the last 2 months have been amazing in a lot of ways. Under my keen leadership, and Phil’s extensive knowledge of the building from years of leading the maintenance team, we have come out the other side of this fracture thing. The transition team helped in it’s own way, but as some of you might have heard, I’ve made some changes. I’ll get back to that in a moment, but they taught us to break out the carrot before the whip when I was getting my MBA at Harvard, so here it goes.

I’d like to take a brief moment to acknowledge our few successes. Besides the transition team we have only lost 3 individuals since fate offered us another bite at the apple. Not a bad showing considering Phil’s assessment of your basic survival skills. We’ve managed to make some adjustments to the robocallers with Phil’s help. Without getting into the technical details, we can now call other dimensions. Results have been disappointing so far, but coupled with our interdimensional innovator program, we have managed to gather one good lead. Phil’s crew is currently working on the old Veil Ed Write Board in conference room A. He hopes it will be ready for use in the program before the end of the week. That’s it. That is the extent of our achievements, and that is unacceptable.

The transition team was just that. A team to help with our transition. We are no longer in transition. Phil and I did most of the cooking around here, so to speak, so we decided to remove some of the cooks from the kitchen. I’ve transitioned the transition team into what we are calling The Evaluation Board. Starting today, all employees are in a constant state of review, because I don’t think you’re hungry enough.

The employee packs you were provided with when we all agreed to continue our work here talked about drive, commitment, and a craving for success. I just don’t feel it. When I walk down to the mezzanine and look in the suggestion box it’s empty and starving for ideas. When I walk into the cafeteria and see all the smiling faces talking over coffee it makes me sick! We need thoroughbreds chomping at the bit. I fear some of you are headed for the glue factory.

Phil and I have worked tirelessly on organizing this party and nobody has brought a dish to pass.
He suggested at the very beginning that we trim some more fat but I declined because I had faith in you. You have let me down. I don’t understand the attitudes around here.

Half of you walk around with grins on your faces like you’ve accomplished something. What have you done, survived? You survive at the behest of Phil and I. What the hell are you grinning about? Do you really find mediocrity that fulfilling? The other half of you mope around all day talking about your families. Guess what? Your families aren’t real anymore. What are you going to do, go home and talk about your day? Are you going to mow your lawn? Take the kids to the park? They’re gone! Everything is gone! The only thing that matters is your commitment to SSB&P business. Your job is the only thing real now. I’m not sure what group is more pathetic, but I know how to find out.

Everyone knew that Sandy and most of HR didn’t want it bad enough, so I removed them from the party right away. It turned out the transition team didn’t earn a seat at the table either. Now it’s time to see who is eager for a win. I know I am. In addition to cutting our team down by half over
the next week, I am cutting off cafeteria privileges until you’ve earned your keep. I don’t want you hungry. I want you ravenous. You have until the end of the week to impress me. Bread is for winners, and I don’t see any of those around here.

I don’t blame you completely. Part of the problem was the transition team’s low expectations and understanding attitude. The only thing I understand is that adversity breeds greatness. You can’t make an omelette without breaking a few eggs, so let’s see who breaks. As always I believe the opportunities I’m offering here are deeper than deep, they are infinite!

STORYLINE

These Robocalls Need To Stop

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Dear SSB&P management team,

My interactions and dealings with your company began on May 9th. They were odd at first and have become increasingly unpleasant. If someone had told me what I would learn and experience firsthand over the past week, I would have called them a liar. Without naming names, I have been informed of your unique situation by a member of your “Interdimensional Innovator Program” and urge you to take a new path. I implore you to have your representatives contact Veilcorp officials for help. I fail to see how sending interns to other worlds with stacks of legal documents and litigious attitudes gets you to a better place. Your actions are not only unhelpful to your organization, they are potentially dangerous.

May 9th was like any other Monday morning for about 45 mins. I was in the middle of a shave when I heard the doorbell and figured it was a delivery. I wish that I hadn’t opened that door, but after a few minutes of incessant ringing, the knocking began. I became concerned that something serious had happened. Much to my surprise there wasn’t a police officer at my door but a young man in a slightly disheveled suit. I didn’t even have time to ask him what he wanted or who he was before he shoved some documents at me and said, “Mike Lauder, you’ve been served!” Needless to say, it was not how I imagined my week starting.

I looked over the papers and they didn’t make any sense to me. I was being sued because my company provided parts to Veilcorp and was being accused of gross negligence in the manufacture of those parts resulting in a breach and mass loss of life. When I first took over the business from my father we did business with Veilcorp, but that was over 10 years ago. When Oeming died and Lisa Hunt took over the company, we were one of the many businesses who had their contracts paid out and terminated. The way she handled the transitional housecleaning left a bad taste in my mouth and I vowed that we’d never do business with them again. I was also pretty sure that if there was some kind of catastrophe involving Veilcorp it would be in the news and I hadn’t heard anything. I handed the paperwork to our lawyer anyway and tried not to dwell on it.

I wasn’t completely surprised when the lawyer called later that afternoon telling me not to worry about it. SSB&P wasn’t even a real law firm according to her. This was either a joke or one hell of a gutsy scam. I put the whole thing out of my mind until two days later when I had another early morning visitor. After some equally urgent knocking, I again found a young man in an unpressed suit shoving papers into my chest and telling me I was served. I asked him if this was a joke and which one of my friends sent him. He handed me a card and told me I could meet at the Veilcorp station after 6pm if I had any further questions. I called around and none of my friends would admit to the prank. I started to get concerned, and on advice from counsel I filed a police report. I tried again to put the whole thing out of my mind and focus on what I needed to get done before the end of the week, but something didn’t feel right to me.

When the doorbell rang Friday morning the adrenaline shot made me almost drop my razor. I’m not going to say who I found at the door because I promised I wouldn’t. All you need to know is that I had a long discussion with this person and they told me everything. I struggled to understand what I was hearing and bounced back and forth between belief and uncertainty. I won’t get into specifics in order protect this person’s safety, but they offered me some undeniable proof of their story.

I thought about calling the authorities but I’ve seen enough movies to know what would happen. Best case scenario, I’d end up trying to keep my eyes open through a mountain of antipsychotic drugs in an insane asylum somewhere. Worst case the government would learn the truth and decide I should never be seen again or my individual parts need to be studied because I’ve had contact with a person from another dimension. No, I couldn’t tell anyone here. I didn’t plan on sending this letter to you either. I promised your employee I wouldn’t because I can’t imagine how it would help you and I’m sure it wouldn’t turn out to good for them. They’ve told me stories about your new org chart and it didn’t sound pleasant. My plan was to just keep answering the door and accepting paperwork every two days and try and keep all of this quite, but this morning the robocalls started.

At first it was just static and I almost hung up. I wish I had. When I heard the automated voice inform me that SSB&P had a special message for me and that I should go to my nearest Veilcorp station to wait for further instruction, I knew that I had to do something. I can handle the threat of of being sued by interdimensional lawyers 3 times a week, but other-wordly robocalls is the stuff of nightmares. I don’t understand why you’ve decided to take the path you have. I think you’d be much better served seeking out Veilcorp help instead of threatening litigation, but that’s your decision. These calls however are a whole other issue. Not only will they not work, but they’re going to get me vivisectioned in a government lab somewhere. I’ll help you in any way I can but you have to stop the robocalls; they’re dangerous!

Mike Lauder
President Lauder Industrial

STORYLINE

Suter, Stine, Burn & Partners Roadmap For the Future

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Good Morninng SSB&P employees! I’d like to welcome everyone who decided to renew their commitment to our company yesterday during the turmoil. I’m in awe of your enthusiasm and dedication. The transition team and I look forward to working with each and every one of you. We are going to have to be extremely agile as an organization at this critical time, but I promise to communicate the decisions we make as soon as possible. The new org chart will be on display in the mezzanine for all to see and will be updated in real time as the situation dictates.

In other good news Phil and the janitorial crew have pushed Brian and the mailroom traitors to the floors below street level. All employees should now have unfettered access to the main lobby. More than ever it’s important that everyone in the building embrace SSB&P’s new core values. We need to recreate a world where each of us can flourish while exploring new revenue streams and protecting all the building’s entrances. Now that the housecleaning has been addressed, let me move on to the rebuilding part. Despite the mailroom machinations, we’ve put together an exciting plan! If this really is the apocalypse you should consider Phil and I the two-headed beast of opportunity. Here’s an outline of our immediate action items.

Litigation: Do I plan on suing Veilcorp? I’m a graduate of Harvard Law, of course I do. While It may seem like the obviousness of this revenue stream would dilute any recovery we receive, it was decided that it should be pursued anyway. This decision has been bolstered with the news of how far reaching this calamity has gone and as the body count has continued to grow. It is our belief that SSB&P might end up being one of the last law firms which means we will be able to cherry-pick clients. When whatever passes as a governing body reestablishes control we will demand a speedy hearing.

Schrödinger’s Cash: There has been a lot of back and forth on this one. In the end, It was very important to Phil that we pursue this program. We will be filling numerous boxes with photocopied money and sending it from the main transport hub around the corner, to the veil station downtown. It is Phil’s hope that during the transport process probability will intervene and replace our boxes with boxes of real money. If Phil is right, he’s a hero. If he’s wrong, he’s the large man who serves as a shield against looters and Brian.

Transdimensional Synergy: If you like adventure, want to be guaranteed a management position, or just figure “This will look great on my resume!” our interdimensional innovator program is a great opportunity . Every morning we’ll send two volunteers through the gateway with a bag full of contracts, cease and desist letters, and other various legal documents. Explore strange new worlds, make deals with interesting people, and threaten to sue them. Obtain legal rights to otherworldly intellectual property and recruit their best and brightest. It is important that we spread the SSB&P message as far as we can. In addition to moving up the org chart all employees able to return to this dimension with signed paperwork will receive one of the remaining chocolate muffins in the cafeteria while supplies last.

I won’t lie to you and say that the days forward are going to be easy, but we made it through the first together. With your help and the guidance of the transition committee, I’m confident that we’ll make it through many more. The outside world may be a catastrophe right now, but things are looking pretty good in here. Let’s lean in to this challenge together and come out better on the other side, wherever that may be. I truly believe that the opportunity is deeper than deep, it’s infinite!

Kurt Bickley
Acting President & CEO Suter, Stine, Burn & Partners

STORYLINE

Civilization is ending but your job doesn’t have to

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Good afternoon SSB&P employees. As I’m sure you’re aware the world is in upheaval. The veils of reality are in a state of flux, governments are disbanding, and there has been death and destruction on a scale that is difficult to comprehend. We understand that many of you want to spend your final hours with loved ones or mark off as much of your bucket list as possible. Before you do, let me ask you a question. What if I told you that we’ve made some adjustments to the org chart and there’s a spot on it for you!

The New York and Seattle offices seem to be lost but as you know, we believe in turning problems into solutions here at SSB&P. In that spirit, I have merged what is left of the marketing department with legal and have taken control of everything above the executive mezzanine. Unfortunately, we had to let Sandy from HR go. I think we can all agree that she was a wonderful woman, but was far too naïve to be trusted with our future success. The cafeteria is now held by Phil from maintenance and most of the janitorial crew. For certain considerations, Phil has agreed to offer nourishing meals and refreshing drinks as long as supplies last. All employees who find themselves with a position on the new chart are welcome to enjoy the safety and relaxation of the cafe.

Make no mistake, Brian or anyone else from the mailroom, we will end you if we find where you’re hiding. It is beyond me why you thought you had what it took to take on the management team. We have years of ziplining and trust falls to bind us together. Let me assure you that Phil has made the cafeteria quite secure and it would be in your best interest to exit the building. Just in case you’re foolish enough to try another hostile takeover, I am offering a guaranteed place on the org chart for anyone bringing me Brian or any other former mailroom employee.

Our transition team is putting together welcome packs and Phil will be giving some basic hand-to-hand instruction in conference room B later today. All employees will be able to carry over vacation and sick time as well as any profit-sharing agreements. With all the chaos going on out there wouldn’t you appreciate some stability? The world may be forever changed but your employment doesn’t have to. Get on up to the 10th floor and let us know that you want to be part of the new team! Anyone caught inside after dark without a welcome packet will be terminated.

When one door closes another one opens. We just had a really big door close on us but I am confident the best is yet to come. With your hard work and attention, I believe we can become the first cross-dimensional law firm. The opportunity is deeper than deep, it’s infinite!