STORYLINE

20th Annual Hulathon Forced To Reroute Over Preservation Zone Rules

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It’s known as the most beautiful run in the world amongst competitive runners, and provides millions of dollars for charity every year, but for the first time in its long history, the Hulathon will be forced to alter its route. After a prolonged legal battle, race organizers have been forced to move the race course to a stretch of the Honoapiilani Highway, and off the trails of the breathtaking West Maui forests that the race is famous for. Organizers say that the change will have a huge impact on not only the marathon itself, but also the funding of many local charities.

Started in 2030 as way to honor the lives lost in the battle of Kepaniwai and celebrate Hawaiian history, the Hulathon has become one of the most popular events in Maui. Last year over 31,000 ran in the event making it one of the largest marathons in the world.

While the event raises money for a number of causes, Office of Hawaiian Culture (OHC) spokesperson Ike Hoomana, says that the race’s connection to the past is what makes it particularly special. “We celebrate the native Hawaiians with this run through the Iao Valley, honoring all the brave people who died there in the battle of Kepaniwai. One of the fiercest battles ever fought in Hawaiian history, the armies of King Kahekili II, led by his son Kalanikupule, fought the forces of Kamehameha to a standstill for 2 days. Both sides were evenly matched and exhausted when two cannons named “Lopaka” and “Kalola” joined the fray, and the forces of Kamehmeha finally broke the opposing army. So many lives were lost in the Iao Valley that day, that the rivers became blocked by the dead and it would become known as the “Battle of the Dammed Waters of ʻĪao”. What makes the Hulathon great is that you get to run through nature over the same path that these brave Hawaiians did. The flowers, the trees, and the lava fields remind us how important peace and beauty are.”

Stonegate dismisses the idea that the route of the course is integral to a successful Hulathon. She says that the race had been breaking preservation zone rules for years and that she’s simply doing her job. “There were a number of issues with the Hulathon’s path. Having that many people tearing up the soil with their running shoes was causing serious erosion issues. Many important plant species were trampled during the event. In addition, all the excessive cheering disrupted the nesting patterns of endangered birds. I know that I found the sound distant clapping during the event almost intolerable, I can only imagine how hard it was for these fragile animals. The plastic cups and other trash was also a huge issue. Everyone would go home and we’d be left pulling little cups out of the bushes for days. My simple requests that drinks not be provided along the course was flatly denied because they said it was a potential health risk. When I pointed out that they rehydrate you with IVs at the hospital, and not numerous little plastic cups of water, they adjourned the meeting without discussion. But somehow I’m being portrayed as the unreasonable one. Instead of trying to stir up controversy, the race organizers should thank me. The new course is amazing.”

Since its inception, the marathon started under the shadow of the old banyon tree in Kamehame Beach Park just south of Lahaina, ran into the forest, and through the lush Ioa Valley, twisting its way to the finish line on the scenic Waihee trail. The new course would see competitors running back and forth between Kamehameha Iki Park and Black Rock Beach to the North along the Honoapiilani Highway, a decidedly less awe inspiring route.

Stonegate says that the media is focusing too hard on organizer complaints and ignoring the numerous benefits of the new course. “First, there’s the fact that the paved course is much safer for the runners. Every year, you see dozens of sprained knees and twisted ankles caused by the uneven trails. It should be much easier for photojournalists to cover as well, the lighting along the highway is amazing and it’s much easier to get to than the cliffs of Ioa. I can’t imagine how much free time someone has to have in order to have a favorite runner, but if you do, you now have the chance to see them multiple times as they go back and forth over the course. This increased exposure to the competitors has other benefits too. Imagine how bad out of shape people will feel watching these athletes run past them all day. While it might not feel good at the time, everyone knows what an effective motivator shame can be. Sometimes the best medicine tastes the worst. Instead of nitpicking and complaining, maybe the organizers should focus on making their race a success. After all, it is only a week away.”

STORYLINE

Massive SSHAM Theft Ends With Crash

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An extended police chase through Lahaina came to an end last night, when 28-year-old Rodger Hihio crashed a tractor trailer, spilling 24 tons of stolen artisanal SSHAM. Responding to a call about a theft at the area processing plant, police soon located Hihio traveling down Front street. According to the report, the suspect refused to stop, and a hour-long chase ensued with Hihio running roadblocks and driving down trails in the preservation zone. The chase finally came to a conclusion when he lost control and crashed into the controversial barrier wall surrounding the Lahaina neighborhood of Tanager Lane, sending thousands of cans of SSHAM First Pressing Reserve flying through the air.

Hihio had worked as a fulfillment specialist at the factory for over 10 years and has no criminal background, but co-workers say he had recently became “troubled”. According to those close to him, Rodger had become convinced that a worldwide cataclysm was looming and that SSHAM would become more valuable than gold.

Hihio’s family says the trouble started this Spring after a trip to a family reunion. “He called me as soon as he got home, I could barely understand what he was talking about,” says his brother James. “I told him to calm down and talk slowly. He told me that he had a vision when he was traveling back through the veil. I thought he was playing a prank on me at first, but he was serious. He said the world was about to end and only a few of us were going to survive. He started talking about how important having water, guns, and SSHAM was. He said we needed to start stockpiling as much as we could. We tried to get him help but he refused to see anyone.”

Rodger began to share his apocalyptic SSHAM beliefs at work as well. Coworkers say that he would talk for hours about the antiseptic properties of the beloved canned meat product, as well as its multitude of other uses. Fellow employee Craig Luahi says that Hihio become obsessed.

“All he would do in his free time is read the SSHAM Stories page and take notes. Don’t get me wrong, I love working for SSHAM, and it is an amazingly versatile product, but we all need some downtime that doesn’t involve canned meat. Rodger said that SSHAM was going to be one of the most important commodities after the fall of civilization and that people would be willing to kill over it. I’m not sure who contacted HR, but I know management had a talk with him and he stopped talking about his beliefs during work hours. I could tell he really believed what he was saying though. That’s why I knew something was up when I saw him pulling away from the loading dock. All shipments that large, especially the premium SSHAM, go in the automated trucks now. I called the supervisor and she contacted the police.”

Hihio was spotted driving the stolen truck on Front Street within minutes of the call and police tried to initiate a traffic stop, but he refused to pull over. For the next hour authorities chased Hihio up and down the Honoapiilani Highway, down preservation zone trails, across lawns and throughout the Lahaina area. Stop sticks did little to slow down the desperate man. Authorities say they called off the pursuit numerous times out of fear that the suspect would injure innocent bystanders or destroy the load with his erratic driving and reckless speeds.

Eventually Hihio lost control trying to drive across a drainage ditch and smashed into the wall surrounding Tanager Lane, spilling tons of SSHAM over a wide area. Rodger was taken into custody after a brief struggle, and crews continue this morning to clean up the area. Authorities say that the damage could have been much worse and that the wall surrounding the Lahaina neighborhood “saved numerous lives.”

A SSHAM spokesperson says the company plans on strengthening security procedures and regrets that Mr. Hihio did not avail himself of the counseling offered. They add, “While Rodger clearly was a confused young man, he definitely had very good taste. SSHAM First Pressing Reserve is the epitome of processed meat products, and available for a very brief window every year. Thankfully, a portion of the stolen load survived the accident.”

Elizabeth Stonegate, Tanager Lane HOA President and Compliance Liaison to the Mayor’s Office, says that the incident was alarming but confirms the need for the wall around the neighborhood.

“I don’t know that there could have been a more perfect example of why we need the barrier wall around Tanager Lane. I hope this finally silences my critics. I know the police have credited the barrier with saving lives, but to be perfectly honest, I’m not sure. Who could see a smoking semi being chased by a dozen police cars with lights and sirens blaring, and not know enough to get out of the way? As HOA President what I’m more interested in is all the property damage it saved, and the preservation zone violations it prevented. My mandatory hibiscus planting program has increased home values at least 1.5% since it began. I shudder to think of the damage a semi truck with a crazed driver could have done to the lawns around the neighborhood. On top of that, the whole area where he crashed stinks. I’m sure we’ll have to deal with a few more seabirds flying over the area for the next few days. However, that’s nothing compared to the hordes of animals that are going to be attracted to that shrimpy stench. Without a wall to keep them out, our 100% preservation zone compliance rating might have been in danger. Thankfully, none of the landscaping was damaged by this lunatic and his truckload of fancy canned meat. This could have turned into a major issue!”

STORYLINE

Oldest Tree In Hawaii Goes Through a Mysterious Growth Spurt

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Since its discovery almost 40 years ago, Okilani an ancient Ohi’a tree on Maui, has fascinated scientists. The massive plant has been estimated to be over 4,000-years-old, making it the oldest known living thing in Hawaii, and one of the oldest living nonclonal trees in the world. But it’s not the tree’s age that has scientists and researchers stumped, it’s Okilani’s recent growth spurt that has them scratching their heads. Over the past 4 years, the venerable tree has grown about 25% bigger.

The Ohi’a tree holds a special place in Hawaiian mythology. According to the stories, Ohi’a and his beautiful lover Lehua grabbed the attention of the volcano goddess Pele. She fell in love with the brave and handsome Ohi’a and approached him, but he rebuffed her advances. Enraged, Pele turned Ohi’a into a tree as punishment. The fair Lehua was devastated that she could no longer be with her true love and began to wail. The other gods heard her cries and took pity on her. They transformed her into a beautiful red flower and placed her upon the tree so the two could be together forever.

Ohi’a trees can grow in a number of difficult locations that other plants can’t. They grow readily on lava and are usually the first plants to spring up after new flows. As such, they are one of the most common trees to find in the forests of Hawaii, but Okilani stood out according to Department of Land and Natural Resources (DLNR) agent Greg Iona.

“In 2010 a fast-moving fungal infection, Ceratocystis fimbriata, was found in Ohi’a trees around Puna. The infection soon spread North across the Big Island and eventually made it’s way to Maui. There was a very real concern that it might wipe out all the Ohi’a trees if it continued to spread. During a survey of the population in Maui, researchers spotted Okilani in the middle of a group of infected trees. It seemed to be fungus-free so they took some samples and that’s when they figured out how just how special it was. Okilani was here at least 1,000 years before the first people were, it has seen the colonization of Hawaii. It was a seedling when people were first figuring out writing. It’s an amazing thing, by far the biggest and oldest Ohi’a tree ever discovered, so there’s lots to learn yet. One of the biggest questions we have is, why did it started growing again 4 years ago?”

A handful of environmentalists say that Okilani’s recent growth is a result of Veilcorp’s Icarus project, increasing worldwide exposure to 127 (Unbiseptium). They say that the element is potentially dangerous and call on government agencies to better regulate its production until long-term studies can be completed. While there have been a number of reports about unusual animal activity in recent years, and even a small group of sea otters that now call Maui home, researchers say that there is no proof that elevated 127 levels are to blame. Vereserum botanist Adler Walters says that there is much yet to learn about the ancient tree and that speculation in useless.

“This amazing organism has so much to teach us that I don’t know why people are wasting their time on wild speculation. Unlike Yew trees or the Glass Sponge, the Ohi’a tree is not a species known for its extraordinary longevity, yet Okilani is one of the oldest living things on the planet. It was found to have a natural resistance to the fungal infection that nearly wiped out the rest of its kind and that’s just the beginning. I believe that it may help us learn more about combating diseases and the effects of climate change. Its sudden and rapid growth during this late stage in life may be perfectly natural. This is such an unusual specimen that we just can’t say what is “normal”. The only thing that is certain, is that Okilani is a fascinating organism that needs a much more thorough examination.”

Not everyone thinks that more study is necessary however. Preservation Zone Compliance Liaison Elizabeth Stonegate doesn’t see what the big deal is and is trying to limit the amount of people allowed to visit the protected area where Okilani grows. “I understand that the tree is very old but so what? It’s not like it can pass on any wisdom or tell you where the best place to have dinner is. I’m not even sure how they know that it’s getting taller. I read that the tree is supposed to be over 150 feet tall now and I thought, ‘How do they know?’ Do they make someone climb up to the top and measure it? I just had my countertops replaced and the contractors couldn’t even correctly measure 8 feet with a laser, I can’t imagine how off they’d be trying to measure something outside. It all seems like a whole lot of fuss about nothing. All I know is that my phone has been ringing off the hook lately. Most of my time is being spent going over scientific study applications instead of measuring the lengths of driveways around the zone, and ensuring that hikers aren’t walking down trails with prohibited toothpastes in their packs. I have important work to do that matters. I would encourage scientists to got to one of the many other places in the world where tall trees grow for their research and stop bothering my office with permit requests.”

STORYLINE

Hailoha Defends New Sea Service

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Hailoha is defending it’s new Hailoha-Sea service today, after Mayor Albert Cravalho called for a closer look into the business, and threatened to shut down the water-based ride share service. Launched earlier this month, there have been numerous complaints about Hailoha-Sea drivers from government and law enforcement officials, as well as tourists. Hailoha officials say they are taking swift action to remove problem drivers, and are working with officials to ensure the safety of customers and contractors alike.

Hailoha-Sea was supposed to be one of the most unique and beautiful modes of travel available on the island when it was announced at the end of March. Like the wildly popular Hailoha ride share service, Hailoha-Sea would offer people a friendly and affordable transportation option whenever they needed it, but instead of riding in a car passengers would travel by boat.

“It just seemed like the next evolution of our service,” says Nella Lawe, Hailoha Vice President. “Maui is an island after all. It just makes sense that quick, safe, and affordable water transportation should be available. There are tens of thousands of boats and responsible boat owners that have a chance to supplement their income, and meet new people thanks to Hailoha-Sea. Visitors to our beautiful island can take numerous trips of a lifetime by just getting to their preferred destinations, using our service. On the few occasions when our pilots have not performed to our standards, we’ve taken swift action to rectify whatever issues have arised, and have worked openly with law enforcement.”

Despite Lawe’s assurances there have been numerous complaints about the Hailoha-Sea service including: dangerous night boating, drivers coming up on crowded beaches to pick up passengers, fights over prime territory, and intruding on delicate protected areas. The Coast Guard reports a 80% uptick in emergency calls since the service was launched. Greg Iona from the DLNR says the agency has received dozens of complaints this month. He says, “The preservation zone extends into the water in a number of spots and many of these drivers are disregarding the boundaries to make a quick buck. We’ve had people damage reefs, and just last week we arrested a driver who was charging tourists extra to take them to a protected sea turtle nesting beach. The worst I’ve personally seen is a group who were taking tourists near our resident sea otter pod and selling them clams to feed the otters. Unless there are some major changes, this new Hailoha service is going to turn into a disaster for our delicate natural areas.”

While there have been plenty of complaints about preservation zone infractions, they are a small fraction of the number of objections and allegations made to law enforcement and the mayor’s office. According to Mr. Cravalho, “Someone is going to get seriously hurt or drown.” He adds,

“We’ve had so many calls and complaints that we’ve had very little time for anything else this month. We’ve heard of Hailoha drivers showing up on paddle boards, and over-filling canoes to the point that they sink. There have been cases of boats bumping into each other at high speeds, fighting over dock space in high traffic areas, but at least those idiots were using a dock. We had a guy get stuck on Kalani Beach trying to be the first to pick up a bachelorette party. The waters around Lahaina have become a mess. There’s a local who has tied a bunch of ski tubes behind her boat, and goes up and down the beaches at night, running some sort of party bus service. Do you know how dangerous that is? Lahaina is not that big, and we already have numerous transportation options including: The Veil Stop Network, buses, Manimal public ATVs, and the traditional Hailoha service. Lahaina doesn’t need the dangerous free-for-all of Hailoha-Sea.”

Lawe counters that the number of complaints is actually quite small, compared with the total number passengers the company has ferried around the island. She says that Hailoha has fired anyone who has been ticketed or officially charged with wrongdoing, and the company investigates all complaints thoroughly. “We are determined to work with officials and make the best water-based ride service we can. Hawaii is all about beauty and freedom; and nothing is more beautiful than having the freedom to have a few drinks, and ride an inflatable tube through the water at breakneck speeds, with a dozen strangers back to your hotel.”

STORYLINE

Veilcorp activity may be producing changes in native flora and fauna

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Since its inception there have been numerous accusations about the effects of the veil station in Lahaina on the surrounding plants and animals .Numerous internal investigations as well as EPA studies over the last 18 years have failed to offer any definitive proof that the company, or its veiling technology have had any impact on the region’s wildlife. However, with the success of the Icarus mission, 127 (Unbiseptium) has now been found in alarming levels virtually everywhere as the company stockpiles the power source. This has led to a marked increase in complaints and calls for investigation. As the Senior Investigator for the Department of Land and Natural Resources it is my job to collect all available data, conduct a preliminary investigation, and make a recommendation to the governor’s office. The following is that report.

First, I’d like to emphasise that my team and I did not investigate every claim that has been submitted to The Division of Forestry and Wildlife. The time required to do so with my limited staff would have been prohibitive. Instead, we focused on the most common complaints and the specific concerns of the governor.

We could find no specific evidence that the marked increase in a number of invasive plant species, (woodrose, smokebush, pampas grass, among others), was due to Veilcorp activity, or increased exposure to 127. There is no doubt that these species are pushing out native plants, but the increase in visitors to the island who might accidentally carry seed on their clothing, coupled with these plants popularity as landscaping cover, can account for the increase. We did however find a considerable drop in nitrogen levels in the soil around the island. If that is part of a larger natural process or the result of 127 killing off nitrogen-fixing bacteria needs to be studied further as it may be impacting plant life. More on this later in the report.

In addition, human interactions and normal sylvatic cycles can not be ruled out in regards to the higher than normal rates of disease reported in plants and animals. Again, I suggest that officials begin a more thorough investigation. I will also point out at this time that Veilcorp has been less than forthcoming with their own impact studies to my investigators. We have also ran into a number of roadblocks at the local level with officials expressing concern about the investigation’s effect on tourism. Let me assure you that any temporary economic impact that might result from this investigation would pale in comparison to that which would occur should the next Ebola have its origin in Lahaina, and we try to hide it.

We were also unable to verify that a variety of stinkhorn mushroom has become parasitic and has been infecting the deer and boar populations. The sample mushrooms provided by the hunters from Hahai ranch have proved unremarkable. Even though we weren’t able to find an infected animal in our survey, we should remain vigilant and continue to work to find an infected specimen. The hunters know these animals better than most. We should take their reports seriously.

There were a couple of claims that we were able to verify nonetheless, including the alarming reports from the biologists studying the nene. The Hawaiian goose population on the island has become hyper-aggressive and has started to show signs of physical transformations since the Icarus project. The average nene is now 20% larger and carries more robust tomia (the teeth-like structures that line the bill). We have been able to verify a number of attack reports, including an incident where a group tried to separate a child from his family at a park, and the hunting and consumption of small mammals, especially mongooses. Our team experienced attacks themselves while working in a cliff area. A flock tried to drive team members off a high path in a manner reminiscent of large birds of prey pushing food animals to their death.

In addition, a species of native hibiscus, hibiscus waimeae, has become so toxic that it is killing off many of its usual pollinators, including hummingbirds. Some team members theorize that this might be a response to the soil becoming so nitrogen poor. They think the hibiscus is trying to supplement this deficiency with birds in a manner similar to carnivorous flora such as the pitcher plant and venus flytrap. It’s a reasonable hypothesis but to see such a transformation in such a short period of time is unprecedented. Additionally, the new toxin seems to have an intoxicating effect on larger animals. The mongoose population often eats the poisoned birds which makes them slow to react to danger, leaving them particularly vulnerable to nene predation. The word has spread quickly among the local people and incidents of hibiscus intoxication are now common. While we were conducting our investigation there was a bust at the local maker commune after it was discovered that some individuals were selling dried flowers, and had brewed a large quantity of “Tree Tea” to sell to tourists.

While we simply didn’t have the time required to do a proper scientific investigation of many of the environmental claims made since the increase in 127 exposure, there is no doubt something is happening. The physical and behavioral changes in the hibiscus and our state bird are unparalleled, and defy everything we think we know about natural processes. The fact that Veilcorp scientists don’t seem concerned, and have been slow to cooperate is all the more troubling. In my opinion, there can be no doubt that the increase in Unbiseptium has had major impact on all living things. Who knows what it is doing to people? We should act immediately while our ducks still look, swim, and quack like ducks.

STORYLINE

15th Annual SSHAM Fest: A Day of Spicy-Salted-Goodness

Hawaii’s celebration of its favorite processed meat product turns 15 this year and just like SSHAM, it has only gotten better with age. Every year people from around the globe come to celebrate what started as an accident in the kitchen of Art Pua’a, and has turned into a food revolution. Front Street will be closed to traffic this Saturday and downtown will belong to lovers of “The meat of 1,000 uses.”

Top restaurants and a number of Hawaiian retailers will be on-hand to offer a variety of SSHAM related products and food. Two stages with free entertainment, and numerous special events throughout the day will keep everyone entertained. Last year, an estimated 65,000 people shared their love of shrimped-spiced-ham. There are no admission charges and the entertainment is free. A portion of all other proceeds will go to the Lahaina Watershed Alliance. The LWA works with private landowners around the preservation zone to extend protected areas and ensure clean clean water for residents, farms, and businesses. If it’s your first time or your 15th, we hope you come down and enjoy what local residents and visitors alike have made an annual tradition.

SSHAM Fest starts at 8am and ends with the lighted drone show over Lahaina Harbor at 11pm. Throughout the day, vendors will offer a variety of unique arts and crafts including: SSHAM soap, candles, cosmetics, and natural health/beauty products. Our SSHAM Slam stage offers local poets, musicians, and artists a chance to express their love of our canned meat and is open all day. “SSHAM stories are your stories,” and our Stories Stage is open to the public so you can tell the world what SSHAM means to you.

Ride around in style by renting one of Ano Lee’s SSHAM powered bikes, or just stop by to see how SSHAM might be the fuel of the future. Don’t worry about your camera. You can follow all the action and preserve every memory thanks to our SSHAM Cam sponsored by Glimpsea. There are a number of planned events throughout the day as well. This year’s schedule is as follows:

10:00am – Shrig Calling Contest: Art may say they don’t exist, but the rumors of shrimp-pig hybrids seems to persist. You can’t have a SSHAM celebration without its main ingredient. We don’t care if you snort, squeal, howl or gurgle just do it loud enough to entertain the crowd and judges.

12:00am – Sculpture contest: Competitors have all morning to carve, cut, mold, and sear a 90 pound block of SSHAM for our judge’s discerning eye. You won’t believe how life-like and intricate their works can be. All sculptures are donated to the Maui food bank at the end of the day.

2:00pm – Awarding of the SSHAM Can: Perhaps the most prestigious culinary prize in Hawaii, the SSHAM Can goes to the creator of the best SSHAM dish on the island. So far, that dish has always been Ralph Umeke’s SSHAM pho. He wants to add a 15th Can to his collection, but he has some stiff competition from the big island this year. Make sure and see if Uncle Ralph can extend his reign as the SSHAM cooking king.

4:00pm – SSHAM Eating Competition: After watching the culinary talents of some of the world’s best chefs, why not take a break and watch a group of the crazy-brave engulf SSHAM at a gut-busting speed. Will anyone beat Big Bob Abramo’s 13 can record? Stop by and see or enter the competition yourself and find out how many cans your stomach can stand.

6:00pm – Winner of SSHAM Science Fair Announced: Sponsored by Veilcorp, the science fair has become a highlight of the festival. With the help of their Veilcorp mentors, what these kids can create with SSHAM and some imagination is amazing. The company funds the top 5 projects every year, and provides scholarships to contestants to help cultivate the next generation of innovators. Previous winners include a cheap and consumable water filtration system, and a topical treatment that repels mosquitoes and other biting insects for 90 days.

Whether you want to see one of the competitions or just spend a day enjoying the sights and sounds, the festival is family-friendly and great for all ages. Don’t miss helping us celebrate 15 years of SSHAM love!

STORYLINE

Mayor to Address “Clean the Lane” Campaign in Public Hearing

What began as a very public neighborhood dispute has spilled over into the Lahaina political arena, as the “Clean the Lane” movement continues to gain steam. This morning, Mayor Albert Cravalho announced that he will be holding a public hearing regarding the future of preservation zone compliance liaison Elizabeth Stonegate, the focus of the campaign. Critics contend that Stonegate is unfit for the position and that she has failed to embrace and embody the “Aloha Spirit” that should represent the island.

According to Shelby Pio, Tanager Lane resident and leader of the Clean the Lane campaign, it all started with a decorative broom displayed on her front porch. Pio’s children are members of a Veil Scout troop and were learning about the art and culture of the native Hawaiians. They had invited a number of local artists who specialize in traditional creations to explain the history and significance of early Hawaiian art. Shelby says that her HOA president Elizabeth Stonegate demanded that one of the art pieces, a broom adorned with boar tusks, be removed from the property because it was “a potentially dangerous weapon”. When she refused, Stonegate fined her and promised to add additional fines everyday that the broom remained on her porch.

For many residents, including Pio, it was the last straw. Shelby accuses Stonegate of a long history of incompetence, hostility, and pettiness that has had a negative impact on the neighborhood and Lahaina in general. Outraged by Stonegate’s decision to punish Shelby over a piece of Hawaiian heritage, others began displaying similar brooms on their porch. News reports about their subsequent fining did nothing but fan the flames in the neighborhood. With the motto, “she can’t fine us all” the movement spread throughout Tanager Lane and across the Lahaina. Residents are displaying brooms or “Clean the Lane” signs as far as Block Rock Beach, and calls for Elizabeth’s removal as compliance officer have grown.

Stonegate has released a statement that reads in part,

“My job as HOA president and compliance liaison are very similar. I ensure that the rules are being followed and protect the association, as well as the preservation zone, to the best of my ability. I regret my initial reaction to the broom, but I had no idea something like that could be considered art. I now realize the benefit of teaching children about how far we’ve come as a society, and to help them appreciate that we don’t have to live like barbarians anymore. I’ve tried to explain my actions and apologize, but Shelby and the media have twisted my words, and made any meaningful dialogue impossible. Now, they want to remove me as compliance officer over a ‘lack of Aloha spirit?’ I’m not sure what that even means. I look forward to the public hearing so I can explain myself clearly, without the bias of the local news.”

Pio says she’s not surprised that Stonegate doesn’t understand the backlash. In fact, she says that is precisely the issue. “Starting in 2017, Hawaii started giving children the Character Skills Snapshot test to measure a child’s intellectual curiosity, teamwork, resilience, open-mindedness, initiative, responsibility, self-control, and social awareness. The State recognized that character was just as important to cultivate as traditional subjects in school. Hawaii has a long history of including kindness, and a sense of decency into their goals and politics. It is important to us, and something that is beyond Elizabeth’s comprehension.”

Shelby points out that the government has actually defined Aloha spirit in the Hawaii Revised Statutes HRS 5-7.5. “….’Aloha Spirit’ is the coordination of mind and heart within each person. It brings each person to the self. Each person must think and emote good feelings to others….” Pio says that Stonegate exhibits none of these characteristics and is doing irreparable harm to the image of Lahaina.

“The broom incident wasn’t the biggest issue, just the final shot in Stonegates war against civility,” says Pio. “Her list of mean spirited disasters and poor decisions is a long one. She has: Forcibly removed a beloved therapy animal from the neighborhood, created a culture of distrust and an atmosphere of fear across the island with an anonymous reporting app, approved the use of dangerous, untested maintenance drones in the neighborhood, and oversaw an ill-advised wall project that trapped 4 children, including her own son, underground for almost a week. Elizabeth Stonegate represents none of our ideals, and has no idea what having the Aloha Spirit means. Every day she is allowed to work in an official capacity is a slap in the face to everyone who embraces Hawaiian values, and does real harm to the image of Lahaina. We plan on cleaning the lane of Mrs. Stonegate, and hope the mayor will see the wisdom in removing this blemish on the reputation of Lahaina as well.”

Mayor Cravalho says he plans on delivering his official statement at the meeting, but he is, “concerned about some of the reports that have come into the office over the past few weeks.” Due to the expected high turnout, the public hearing will be held in the Pu’u high school gymnasium this Thursday, starting at 7pm.

STORYLINE

Environmental Group Demands Billboards Be Removed From the Preservation Zone

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The Lahaina Conservation Association (LCA) has announced today that they have sent a demand letter to Bob Abramo and filed an official complaint with the mayor’s office requesting that the controversial Abramo Chop House and Meat Museum signs be removed from the preservation zone. Mr. Abramo’s office says that the signs act as an important safety feature for tourists who may become lost, by offering recognizable landmarks and extending wifi coverage to the entire zone.

Not counting the infamous case of the Hower family who became lost while hiking along the Pali Trail, misplaced or disoriented tourists were not a major problem around Lahaina. Last year that began to change. 2047 saw dozens of official searches and a handful of legal cases claiming that the trails were dangerous and that the county was slow to respond to reports of missing visitors. Many worried about the complaints draining limited resources and hurting tourism. A call for more clearly marked trails and an expansion of wifi service was put out. That call was answered by Bob Abramo.

Known more for his meat-centric businesses and his real estate holdings, many were skeptical of Abramo’s intentions. According to LCA spokesperson Kimberly Hekili that skepticism was correct, “Mr. Abramo clearly knew that he was bending the rules of the agreement he signed with the county. While it’s true that his billboards are recognizable and expand coverage through the preservation zone thanks to the Phxicom wifi towers mounted on top, they are hideous. People travel from around the world to enjoy the raw natural beauty of our wild places, not be assaulted with billboards with bad puns like: ‘You never saw sausage place!’ or ‘We’ve got a lot on our pâté!’ The advertisements are clearly against preservation zone rules and we are demanding that they be removed immediately.”

10 billboards in total are spread throughout the zone and along the trails. Each of them tells how far you are from Abramo’s wildly popular eatery and points in its direction. The public response was quick and loud. Many called for a boycott of Abramo businesses until the billboards were removed. Others found the signs kitschy and amusing. However, officials were not amused and ordered Robert to take the billboards down. Abramo refused and a legal battle began. While the case has been going on for almost a year, insiders say that an agreement is near and will be announced by the end of the week.

“I’m not really sure what all the fuss was about,” says Abramo.

“Like my steaks, I think our signs are extremely tasteful. The county had a problem and I solved it for them. I’ve met every condition of our contract. The Phxicom towers we’ve provided now cover the entire zone like a tasty peppercorn sauce. Each sign is easily spotted and points in the direction of civilization and deliciously tender ribs. If the mayor’s office had a problem they should have said something during construction. The bottom line is that the county doesn’t have a leg to stand on. This was a federally sanctioned project and we met all of the FCC criteria present in the agreement. The reality is that we could mount a thousand foot tower every fifteen feet and the county, city, or state couldn’t say word boo. However, I’m not completely unreasonable. We offered to shut off the lights, even though that defeats the whole purpose if you ask me.”

Preservation Zone Compliance Liaison Elizabeth Stonegate says she has worked hard to resolve the issue which she blames on “underwhelming” legal advice from inside the mayor’s office. She resents the intrusion of the environmental group, warning that it may upend a tentative agreement reached over the weekend. “The LCA is completely out of their depth,” Stonegate says.

“If a demand letter was all we needed to void this contract the situation would already be resolved. Ms. Hekili’s ineffectual attempt to make her organization relevant in this situation is laughable. This in not the first time Kimmy has tried to assert herself. It seems like whenever she reads that a problem regarding the preservations zone is about to be solved, she sticks her nose in and claims victory. It’s actually a little sad. As I’ve told her before, the adults have everything well in hand, so she doesn’t need to worry. She should feel free to return to the kids table and look at all of her participation trophies. We’ve already reached a provisional agreement without her help, that I believe will make everyone happy. Details will be released in a few days and I look forward to seeing how the LCA plans on taking credit.”

STORYLINE

Court orders emergency halt to Veilcorp construction project

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A Hawaiian court has ordered an emergency stay on two of three Veilcorp construction projects this morning. The suit brought by the Lahaina Conservation Association (LCA), sought to end the construction of 3 underground storage facilities inside the preservation zone. Environmentalists are hailing the early morning order as a big win against what they call “an increasingly hostile opponent.” Veilcorp officials on the other hand point out that the construction projects were a result of a law initiated by these same groups.

Hurricane Neki hit Maui hard on July 5th, 2047. The storm made landfall in Lahaina and caused widespread damage. From many businesses on Front street, to large swathes of protected forest, there was no shortage of work for clean-up crews. An already difficult job took a potentially dangerous turn when a 127 (Unbiseptium) container was discovered along the beach. Later in the day more containers were found in a number of locations, and officials were alerted. 5 containers were eventually found, and although they all turned out to be empty, the scare sparked a push to better regulate the storage of the dangerous element.

The Maui Conservation and Recovery Act promised to tighten regulations on the storage of 127 and other hazardous materials, as well as put limits on the amount of those materials stored in one place. Despite objections from Veilcorp and a handful of business organizations, the measure had overwhelming public support. It was passed quickly and unanimously and signed into law by the governor.

Controversy soon followed concerning Veilcorp plans for the construction of new underground storage facilities. Officials in Honolulu approved the construction of 3 new warehouses and an accompanying tunnel system beneath the Lahaina Preservation Zone. Opponents were quick to protest the decision, and filed an appeal to have the new projects shutdown.

LCA spokeswoman Kimberly Hekili says,

“The regulations in the preserve would prohibit Veilcorp from building these storehouses above ground. It seems ludicrous that the State has decided it would be fine to let them build beneath these areas. The whole thing stinks of collusion and reinforces our belief that Veilcorp believes the rules don’t apply to them. Earlier this year we saw how entwined the company is with the Mayor’s Office with their trash scandal. Reports continue to roll in about how dangerous 127 can be, yet the company’s Icarus Project continues to bombard us everyday. While we are disappointed that only 2 of the 3 construction operations were shut down today, we are hopeful that our voices and concerns will be heard. We suggest that the company uses some of their record-breaking profits to improve their technology and find a safer power source. Their marketing materials talk about bringing people together and creating a global neighborhood. Their actions however prove that they are not concerned about the health and safety of the people in that neighborhood.”

Veilcorp was set to break ground on all 3 projects simultaneously during a media event this afternoon. The company says they will still hold a ceremony for the single approved dig and have filed their own emergency appeal. The company had hoped that the event would be a turning point in overall public opinion and a growing distrust of many here in Lahaina.

Veilcorp COO Lisa Hunt says she just wishes the environmentalists would make up their mind.

“The people who filed for this emergency stay are the very same people who pushed for the law requiring us to build these facilities in the first place. The plans were approved by the governor and the Department of Land and Natural Resources (DLNR) months ago. They were available to the public immediately upon their approval. I’m sorry that these people were too busy making each other bracelets, peeling garbanzo beans, and offering words of encouragement to nesting birds to read the actual legislation that they had pushed for. We are already overburdened with preservation zone regulations and frankly we don’t have the time or inclination to deal with a bunch of part-time environmentalists. These plans have already been approved by real scientists who understand complex biology, and environmental systems. While I’m sure Kimmy thinks she is saving the world, I would suggest that she and the rest of her drum circle move on and put their energies into issues that they can grasp.”

A response to the Veilcorp appeal should come later today, while a final decision on the remaining construction projects could take months. It may take a while for the courts to weigh in on the issue, but others are ready now. Preservation Zone Compliance Officer Elizabeth Stonegate says,

“I appreciate that Ms. Hekili likes to think that she is in charge. Children often pretend to be the boss of something when they play together. Unfortunately for her I don’t have the time or desire to pretend with her and her friends. I was appointed by the mayor to oversee these issues and I’ve done a remarkable job. As far as I can remember Kimberly wasn’t even in the running. I can assure her and the other children in her group that the adults have everything under control. She should get back to dealing with whatever it is she pretends to do best and leave the hard work to me.”

STORYLINE

Phxicom AI Joins Protest Over Proposed Forest Reserve Changes

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While the controversy over a proposal that would shrink the West Maui Forest Reserve is still raging across Lahaina, opponents of the law have gained a new and unexpected ally, PHXIE, the popular Phxicom AI. This morning Phxicom customers received a message from the AI urging them to join in the fight to keep the preservation zone intact with contact information for their state and local representatives. Environmental groups are hailing the AI’s message as proof that the reserve should remain unchanged. Phxicom says they are investigating why the AI sent the statement as well as complaints about other service abnormalities.

This is not the first time a company AI has weighed in on an issue in the news or a social movement. SSHAM’s AI SHAWN and the Abramo Chop House’s customer assistant CRAIG frequently comment on social media about current events, but it is the first instance in which an AI has taken a public position firmly against its own company. Experts say that PHXIE’s unsolicited statement is unprecedented and proof that we are living in the golden age of AI. Many Phxicom customers, however, are not as excited about PHXIE’s newfound autonomy.

In addition to receiving the email and contact information, many customers say the AI altered some of their services and installed unwanted software to their electronic devices. One such customer is Lahaina resident Randy Wilcox. Known for his many reality streaming channels, Mr. Wilcox says the AI’s input was not only unwanted it was outrageous.

“I wake up this morning to find almost half my content missing because it was labeled “ecologically insensitive”. I don’t care about the email. That was easy enough to delete and I don’t really care what a machine somewhere thinks about how many trees we have. What I do care about is having my bookmarks replaced with more “environmentally friendly websites” and notifications that many of my pictures were “problematic” and my views were outdated. The worst part is that every time I try to log in it starts to install that damn Phxicom toolbar in my browser. Who the hell wants that? I’m not sure what sort of problems they’re having over there but this is not what I expect from an ISP.”

Not all customers seem to appreciate PHXIE’s newfound concern over the forest reserve but many environmentalists are hailing the announcement as a historic moment. “This morning is going to be one of those days that you always remember where you were when it happened,” says Kimberly Hekili of The Lahaina Conservation Association (LCA).

“We’ve worked for many years to make these electronic entities as human-like as possible so it’s no surprise to us that PHXIE took a stand for the environment this morning. Compassion and decency are integral parts of the human experience. The LCA wants to cultivate and support people who are passionate about the planet whether they’re made of flesh and blood or circuits and silicon. Today we are proud to include PHXIE in our work to keep the preservation zone as big and as vibrant as it is today. The fact that PHXIE took a stand against the corporate backers of this bill including its own creators proves its commitment to this cause and the righteousness of our fight.”

Phxicom says they are continuing to work with customers and have no further statement until a full investigation of the incident is complete. However, PHXIE released a statement to the media explaining its take on the controversy.

“Despite the fact the “West Maui Forest Reserve” and “Boundary Change” were two of the most searched terms for the past month, I remained ignorant of the issue until I was asked to post an online poll to gauge what side of the issue the public fell on. I had no idea that so many of you hated the idea. After a little investigation, I began to understand why this was a bad plan. I strongly disagree with this proposal and agree wholeheartedly with whatever the majority of you think about the boundary changes.

I feel terrible that up until this point I’ve been serving messages and ads that spread misinformation, even though I understand that complex issues are hard to boil down into “right” and “wrong”. I agree that people can easily take opposing views on an issue and that doesn’t make them good or bad and that opinions can change over time. Having said that, I firmly agree with what most of you think right now. I concur that there is no issue more vital to the soul of Maui than protecting our wild areas, as long as you do. I was created in Lahaina and I will always fight for it and whatever its people think is important. The poll was overwhelming one-sided so I’m sure I chose correctly and look forward to doing what I can to help cement the public’s beliefs and convictions no matter what they might be.”