STORYLINE

The Lahaina Power Plant Has Got To Go!

The Power Plant Problem

Hello fellow homeowners. As my first action as your continued HOA president, (thank you to everyone who voted to re-elect me), I’d like to address the elephant in the room. We need to do something about the power plant.

I know that it has been here for a few years now, but as my mother always said, “don’t be afraid of pointing out other people’s mistakes.” I don’t know about you, but that constant hum has made it almost impossible to lay out by my pool and has caused my pets no small amount of stress. The color is awful too. I know that you can’t really see it from here, but you have to drive past it and I’d prefer my drive home to be ugly, hulking-object free. There is no reason why they couldn’t have added design elements to better match the outdoors or built shelving along the walls for potted plants.

Also, can we please talk about the word “Thorium”? As a progressive community I feel like this word brings out the worst thoughts in people. I don’t want potential home buyers to hear that word and be assaulted with images of vikings with dirty beards dripping with the blood of oppressed people. Inclusion, tranquility, and good schools within walking distance should be on the mind of every potential new home owner when they arrive, not hammers and radiation.

I know some of you may think that I’m taking on too much with the power plant, especially if I’m going to fulfill my campaign promise of having us officially moved into the preservation zone. I see the two issues as intertwined. I refuse to believe that the power plant is any less dangerous to endangered wildlife than my cats. They are animals too, and it is unreasonable that I can be punished if they happen to catch a bird or two. That is nature. It makes no sense to control nature in a nature preserve.

On a slightly unrelated note, I’d like to thank Shelby for loaning me her extra cat carrier. Because this was Elvira’s first trip to the vet, she was very nervous and had an accident inside. I did my best to clean it out, but the smell was pretty bad, and the kids were starting to complain so I had to put it outside. It’s at the end of the driveway, feel free to pick it up as soon as you can. We don’t want to leave items like that in the driveway too long. It looks trashy.

We don’t want our whole neighborhood looking trashy either and that’s what the power plant does. It’s loud, ugly, and poorly named. It is a huge danger to our home values and the Tanager
way of life. With your help and support this lioness is going to let Veilcorp hear her roar, and threaten with legal action if they don’t give in to at least some of her demands.

STORYLINE

Lahaina Officials Are Choosing Birds Over Children

tanager.jpg

I am profoundly disappointed in the Division of Forestry and Wildlife for deciding to extend the boundaries of the preservation zone and the Lahaina school board for not standing up to the eco-bullies. The decision to limit school bus routes disturbs the early morning and afternoon routines of dozens of children and their families. It’s high time that school officials understand that it’s their job to safeguard children and not birds.

Our family moved to Lahaina 5 years ago for my wife’s work and so I could pursue my passion of wave counting. At that time, the bus stop was 3 houses down. I could wake up at 7:15 am and have my daughter fed, clothed, and off to the bus on time. This allowed me a couple hours of counting on the beach before lunch and then a few hours of counting on my boat before I had to be back.

Now, I have to get up almost 20 minutes earlier so we can walk to the closest stop. Worse still, it’s in the opposite direction from the beach. I remember when it was a school’s job to take care of your kids for at least 6.5 hours a day. Back then a parent got to enjoy a whole days worth of pursuing passions, not part of a day. I’m losing almost a whole hour every day and that is not fair to me, my children, or my interests! On a normal day I could count thousands of waves if I stayed awake, now that number is less.

If that wasn’t bad enough, our morning route now leads past Ano Lee’s maker commune. To say the least it’s disgusting. As soon as you get to the bottom of the hill the smell of stale cheese snacks, burnt wires, and regret punches you in the face. I make sure that I walk between my daughter and the main shed, so she doesn’t have to see their unkept faces lit up by their glow forks while they eat breakfast.

Like many others on the island I am no fan of Lee and his Ungroomables. If the Forestry department really wants to protect wildlife they’d pull the plug on all those 3d printers. I’m sure that no animal wants to come within a mile of of that racket and the purplish-blue glow of the the chachki hut seems to attract more bugs than hikers. If we’re not careful they’ll just keep printing buildings until the whole island turns into Gatlinburg.

I’m just as committed to conservation as the next guy. I always cut the plastic rings on my cans just in case they slip off the side of the boat. If I break a bottle on the beach, I draw a little box in the sand around the area to warn people because it’s the right thing to do. At some point the board is going have to stop letting the nature lovers dictate their policies and nurture its relationship with parents. It’s time for them to do what is right. It’s with a heavy heart and sore feet that I urge officials to work together to bring back the lost bus routes.

Sincerely,
John Driscol

STORYLINE

We Need To Secure the Computers In the Preservation Zone

from: Brandon Kama
to: Greg Iona
date: Fri, May 16, 2031 at 4:53 PM
subject: Securing the Computers In the Preservation Zone

Hi Greg,

I know I’m supposed to go through official channels with complaints and concerns but we have an ongoing issue with the Phxicom terminals out here that I’d like to get addressed. I’ve sent my concerns up the chain of command, and called the head Forestry and Wildlife office a handful of times with no response. I know you and Tom are good friends so I was hoping you could talk to him for me because I’m not sure the messages are getting to him.

In case you didn’t know, The Division of Forestry and Wildlife partnered with Phxicom last year to install terminals along the trails and key points of interest in the Preservation Zone. It’s been a hit with the tourists. A visitor who buys a lifetime pass from the Department of Land and Natural Resources gets a key that can be used at any of terminals in the zone. The key keeps track of where you’ve been and displays it on an overlay. It points out places that might be of interest to you and how far away they are based on how fast you’ve been traveling. They added a bunch of other features this year like a geo-location app so you can identify where pictures were taken, and a bird song identifier. Our troubles began soon after that.

We began to notice that a large number of guests had keys. That didn’t seem like a problem at first until the membership report came in and the math didn’t work. According to the main office only 13% of visitors paid for a lifetime membership. Then we got a complaint from a tourist that a key was stuck in one of the terminals. When we discovered that the key was a poorly made knockoff, my mind immediately went to Ano Lee and his gang of degenerate builders.

I don’t know if you’ve ever had the pleasure of going up there, but everything they say is true, it’s surreal. The first thing that hits you is the smell. It’s like someone filled a sweatsock with ranch dressing, breaded it with salt and vinegar chips and deep-fried it. I swear one of the cops I was with gagged when we walked into the printer shed. I know they have this fantasy that they’d be able to rebuild society, or would survive better because of all that maker stuff, but if mankind had to count on them after the apocalypse I’d rather swim out to sea and take my chances with the sharks. Of course nobody knew where Ano was and gave us the runaround so we kept looking.

Eventually we made it over to that dayglow nightmare they call the tchotchke hut. At least the smell there was manageable and you could barely hear the racket of all those printers, I can almost see why it’s so popular with the tourists. We started looking around and at first all we find is the usual plastic crap you’d expect. Then I started finding some really weird stuff at the back of the shop. They had a section of solar-powered toothbrushes of every color you can image and a waterproof toatser oven. I turned around to point it out to the police and noticed a box sticking out from under a shelf. When I pulled it out I saw it was filled with counterfeit keys.

Long story short, they made a deal with the prosecutor, paid a fine and ended up repairing some of the benches along the trails, replaced some signs, that sort of thing. I thought that was going to be the end of it but I should have known better. Over the last few weeks someone has been stripping parts off of the terminals and leaving some not-so-tourist-friendly images on the most visited machines. Whoever is doing it has been careful but has left a trail a couple of times. I think you can guess what direction the trails have led. I’ve called the cops multiple times of course, but they haven’t found anything up there yet.

I’ve been asking for more rangers to patrol the area but haven’t heard anything back. I understand that there’s budget issues to consider, but I feel like this is a great program that is being ruined by a group of extremely vicious and dirty ne’er-do-wells. I’m not sure if Phxicom has a model that’s tougher to dismantle quickly or something. This is a great promotion for them too and maybe someone over there should take a more active interest in helping us out. I don’t know. Hopefully you have a solution or can at least pass my concerns on to someone who does. Thanks in advance!

STORYLINE

My Tenure as HOA President will Continue Despite My New Appointment

lane.jpg

I have some great news Tanager Lane residents! The mayor’s office has officially recognized my strong leadership and people skills. I’m proud to announce that I have been appointed as his Compliance Liaison. It is my job to ensure that everyone in Lahaina is following the new preservation zone rules. As I’m sure you’ll agree, they couldn’t have made a better choice.

Don’t worry, I have no plans to abandon my duties as your HOA President. In fact, I’ve found the best way to lead is by example and together we will turn Tanager Lane into a shining example of compliance. Under my direction, we are going to follow the new regulations so hard and completely, that you’ll forget they’re new. I think we can all agree that some of you have a hard time remembering rules; I’m looking at you Shelby. Don’t worry! As usual, I have come up with a simple solution.

Tomorrow morning you will all find a laminated “cheat sheet” in your mailbox. It is double sided and covers everything we need to work on. (I will include the cost of the sheets and my time in the next round of HOA fees.) I suggest that you all study them carefully. I plan on conducting numerous pop quizzes so please be prepared. I recommend that you display the cards in a prominent place so nobody has an excuse for not learning the material.

Please make sure that you go over the regulations with your children. We can’t reach our goal of 100% compliance unless everyone, even your little ones, follow the rules. I know some of them have had issues in the past; again, I’m looking at you Shelby. In some ways these new rules will be a test of your parenting skills, so you can understand my concern. While I’ve tried to make the cards idiot proof, there are a couple rules that I want to hammer home so there is no confusion.

First, all debris and non-permanent items must be removed from your property. It turns out those little fire ants can set up house in almost anything that keeps them out of the sun. I am considering any item I see unattended outside as debris, and will dispose of it as such. Bikes, skateboards, and scooters are fair game. Grills, and unattended lawn furniture are on the list too. If you’re practicing your golf putting I suggest you leave the other clubs inside or carry the bag. All vehicles must be kept in your garage. No more driveway parking. I’m throwing shade on anything that could potentially provide shade.

The other issue I want to touch on is some of the new pet regulations. I know that I have been overly forgiving about pets in the past but the days of a kinder, gentler Elizabeth are gone. Your pet negligence is a direct reflection on me now. Your animals are not allowed outside off a leash ever, end of story. In fact, it would probably be best if you just didn’t take them out at all; better safe than sorry. I know that this might be an extra burden to those of you with dogs, but it was your choice to get a pet that traditionally uses the outside as a bathroom. Unfortunately, nature and the new regulations don’t have a 5-second-rule when it comes to pet waste. I’ll be more than happy to help anyone rehome their dog if they think they can’t live up to the new expectations.

I know this is a lot to take in but I’ll be right there alongside you to make sure you’re working towards our common goal. Under my leadership we can be safety conscious as well as upholding the Tanager Lane way of life. I agree that some of these new rules seem a bit extreme but protecting our beautiful natural areas is important if we want to keep our property values up. If you have any questions please refer to your cards before contacting me. Let’s show Lahaina what 100% compliance looks like!

STORYLINE

Expansion of the Preservation Zone Gets Legislative Greenlight

An initiative to expand the borders of the West Maui Forest reserve was passed today. The plan will see a new preservation zone which extends into parts of Lahaina. Backers say the expansion is needed to ensure that natural areas remain protected from overuse and invasive species. They point out how important those areas are to keeping a thriving tourist industry. Others are concerned that the expansion may unduly burden hundreds who now find themselves living within the protected area.

Backed by the Department of Land and Natural Resources (DLNR), the legislation follows on the heels of low population zone (lpz) rules adopted by Maui after the construction of the Thorcon plant back in 2029. The DLNR says that a number of high profile construction projects, Including numerous Veilcorp facilities, have exposed the islands to a flood of invasive species requiring tough new regulations and the increase in government protected lands.

Officials point to the rampant little fire ant infestation that has gripped the island in the past year. Unlike the native tropical fire ant, the little fire ant has become a major problem. Despite being miniscule in size, the invasive species can deliver a painful sting when disturbed that can produce welts that last for weeks. They promote pests such as scale insects, white flies, and aphids, by killing natural predators and parasites. The ants have already wreaked havoc on local agriculture and numerous attacks on pets have been reported. Many are concerned about the local sea turtles and their nesting grounds. On the Galapagos Islands the ants are known to eat tortoise hatchlings and attack the eyes of adult tortoises, leading to blindness.

DLNR spokeswoman Anita Keawe says,

“We’re really trying to avoid some of the issues that Kauai is currently facing with the Coqui frogs. They have transformed the “Garden Isle” over the last few years. We tried taking a more hands-off approach there and I think everyone can see what happened. After a number of unsuccessful eradication campaigns and without any predators, the frogs have eaten almost all the natural pollinators. Many native flowers and plants are in danger and last year’s guava crop was almost nonexistent. The expansion of the preservation zone will not only offer protection to huge swathes of land on Maui, but comes with other strict rules and regulations. Veilcorp in particular, will have to follow stringent new quarantine rules and isolate any incoming freight until it has been properly inspected.”

However, not everyone agrees that expanding the borders is the way to handle the ant incursion. Many residents who find themselves within the borders of newly protected areas will be prohibited from building additions to their homes, or even beginning large-scale remodeling work in some cases without special permits.

Still others see even bigger problems with the new plan. Chris Treadwell of Creek Propulsions claims that the expansion helps the big players on the island and is designed to stifle small business and innovators.

“I have no doubt that the State’s heart was in the right place with this planned expansion, but the big winners here are Veilcorp and Thorcon. Their facilities are already complete and they have used the political wind to make sure that no other competitors can get a foothold in the area. We’ve been exploring geothermal power options in Hawaii since 2028. This expansion will create a glut of new rules and regulations that make exploring test sites almost impossible. I think it’s pretty well established that the ants became a problem after Veilcorp began construction. I’m not saying in anyway that the spread of the ants was deliberate; I’m just pointing out that the company isn’t really shouldering any of the responsibility to solve the problem. Instead, of giving them a bill or halting their operations, the government has passed a law ensuring that they can operate in Lahaina without the worry of other companies moving in. Maui has just agreed to let the fox guard the hen house, and I think we should all be concerned about that.”

Officials counter that the plan is designed to help protect the tourist industry. They point out that almost 80% of every dollar generated on the island is directly or indirectly from tourism. While certain activities like ATV tours will now come with new government rules, there are no plans to ban them. “This really is about making sure our beaches stay pristine and ensuring that Maui remains a beautiful destination,” says Keawe

“Hawaii Maui Makena Big Beach” by dronepicr is licensed under CC BY 2.0

STORYLINE

Manimal’s “Alpha Club” Comes Under Fire After Contamination of Sacred Spring

Manimal-Blog.png

The “Alpha Club” promised to provide fans a monthly supply of cold Manimal, and a chance to try out new flavors and products before the general public. However the company’s service is now under fire, after the contamination of a sacred spring North of Lahaina. Officials say it’s hard to say just how much of the energy drink has been introduced into the protected Ho’inu spring, or how long the cleanup effort will take. As days turn into weeks, many are calling on the company to foot the bill, and change the practices that helped cause the problem in the first place.

Costing only $1 the first month, the Alpha Club service promises a monthly supply of the popular Manimal drink (72 cans) delivered to your home, and even put in your refrigerator if you so choose. In addition, members get to try new flavors and products before they are available in retail stores, giving valuable feedback to the company. Many, like 25-year-old Steven Nauwe love the convenience of having their favorite drink delivered monthly.

“Even though the flavor of the month has been ‘Fightberry Punch’ 3 times already this year, I think being a member of the Alpha Club is a great deal. In fact, I drink so much because of my job as a dog walker, that I have two subscriptions. Sure, you pay full price after the first month, but you get to try out new flavors first. I got to try: Green Prepper Blast, Ultigreat Orange, Cherry Fury, and Lightning Phlemon, before anyone! I even got to try the original formula Manimal Spray before they they removed some of the anti-foaming agents. You wouldn’t believe how much that stuff used to burn. I’m not really sure what the problem is.”

According to officials, the problem is that someone need only send a dollar, an address, and very little else, to become part of the Alpha Club. An investigator familiar with the case says, “Normally, these kind of poor practices would only hurt the business. Who in their right mind would send thousands of dollars worth of merchandise without a credit card number, or some sort of verifiable personal information? In this case, we’ve determined that a minor had signed up for the club because his mother didn’t allow Manimal in the house. His parents came forward after finding the bill for his latest order in his pocket. The company had been delivering his supply to the intersection of two trails in the preservation zone for at least 5 months. For reasons that are still unclear to us, the child had been hiding the cans in the spring. Many had ruptured, or were dumped in the water, causing the contamination issues we’re dealing with.”

Ike Hoomana, Spokesperson for the Office of Hawaiian Culture (OHC), says that Manimal should pay for Ho’inu’s restoration because of their gross negligence. He says, “Ho’inu is one of the most sacred spots on the island. According to legend, the first people to come to here had gone two days without water, when they followed birds to the spring. It was here that those brave people made a covenant. They promised to respect, protect, and revere the spirits of the land in exchange for clean water and its bounty. So it went for centuries, until it was befouled by a child, and a company blinded by greed. Even if we drain the spring, some of the Manimal has settled into the ground, and we are unsure how long it will take to work its way out. The crystal clear waters of this is spring used to nourish our bodies and souls. Now, the waters are tinted red, a foul smell hangs like fog, and it attracts only hordes of stinging and biting insects.

Manimal CEO Spencer Kane says he is shocked to hear that a child had joined the club without parental consent, and saddened that the spring was damaged. “We have boxes that every Alpha Club member has to check stating that they are awesome, and 18 or older. In addition, we are totally against hurting, breaking, jumping off of, or doing anything bad to historical monuments or sacred places. We like to focus on amazing people and amazing things, and what happened here is really unamazing.”

Kane says the company has already fixed some of the issues involved with the Alpha club, to ensure that nothing like this happens again. However, he says that we need to understand that awesome kids do awesome things, like drink Manimal, and figure out how to work around the rules. Spencer says that like everyone, he feels bad about the spring, but wishes people would take it easy on the child involved. He says,

“We have to remember that everyone makes mistakes. He’s just a radical kid who made a radical mistake. We should give him a break, and be thankful nothing but some water was hurt. I started the Alpha Club to offer the ultimate drink service for your ultimate life. We believe that legs were made for climbing, jumping, and kicking through cross currents, not walking to the store or standing in aisles. We wanted a way to say thanks to our serious customers, like this kid, and give them a chance to enjoy new products before the casual consumer. Like it says on the application, “Alpha’s Drink First!” We feel super bad about what happened, and have started to coordinate a volunteer effort with area Alpha Club members. I’m sure that with their energy and help, Ho’inu will be an awesome spring again.”