STORYLINE

Survivors Credit Manimal In Lahaina College Poisoning Incident

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Maui Police say a woman is facing charges after allegedly poisoning her fellow students, and guests attending a sorority fund raiser on Sunday. Officials say they were called to the University of Maui Lahaina College because 20-year-old Holly Kalili was being accused of poisoning dozens of students and guest attending a charity auction. According to the report, many in attendance became violently ill after consuming food that Holly brought. While a handful are still being treated at the Lahaina Medical Center for high levels of thallium, a heavy metal that has been used as a rat poison and ant killer, many more who consumed the tainted food are feeling fine this morning, and have an unusual theory why. Everyone who suffered no ill effects have one thing in common; they were drinking Manimal.

Police say they found approximately a dozen attendees of the annual Psi Pi Chi charity auction suffering from severe stomach pain and dizziness upon their arrival. The victims claimed that they had started feeling ill after consuming a clam dip that had a very bitter taste. Officers say that several students accused Kalili of putting something in the dip because of an argument between her, and several of her sorority sisters the previous night.

After questioning, Holly admitted that she had put “something” in the dip but claimed she didn’t know exactly what it was. Police say the students had been arguing all week about the InterIsland Preservation and Travel Act (IPTA). The law passed last year, established regulations on the use of Veil transportation to any of the Hawaiian islands and imposed a quota on the number of monthly visitors. According to Psi Pi Chi members, Kalili had been “acting crazy” about the issue all week, and had threatened to “do something” at the event.

While many had eaten the clam dip before the auction, relatively few suffered any symptoms, and most showed no trace of thallium in their systems. Medical officials had no explanation for the vastly different levels of thallium in the victims, but several students claim that they felt better after having a Manimal. They are crediting the energy drink with counteracting the poison, and potentially saving their lives.

Senior Kimberly Hekili says, “I’m still in shock over this whole thing. I knew that Holly wasn’t really Psi Pi Chi material for years now. You can’t think that restricting travel to Maui is acceptable, and still be a good person, but I never thought she’d do something to ruin our biggest fundraiser of the year. What she did was gross! I’m super happy that Bethany got so many cases of Fightberry Punch, it’s not my favorite flavor of Manimal, but it saved us, even if we couldn’t save the auction. It’s now the official energy drink of all Psi Pi Chi events. I just hope Holly can get the help she needs with everything that’s wrong with her now. I mean it’s a really long list, but she should have plenty of time to work on it in prison. We had tried severing ties with her this Fall, but we didn’t quite have the votes then. You can bet that we do now! I just have one thing to say to her, ‘Goodbye, Holly!’”

Health officials say it is unlikely that the energy drink counteracted the thallium, and other factors like: the amount of clam dip consumed, how well the poison was mixed into the food, and individual metabolisms, offer a much better explanation for why some individuals were sicker than others. However, they won’t know for sure until thorough lab work is complete.

Manimal CEO Spencer Kane says that he would not be surprised if his company’s drink saved the day.

“We get so many letters and emails everyday about the amazing things Manimal does for our amazing customers. I wouldn’t be shocked to learn that Manimal has the power to knockout thallium as well as mediocrity. What does surprise me in this case, is just how far college kids can take an argument now. I mean, when I was in college, if you didn’t like someone you just slowly pushed them out of the group. While they were confused and feeling vulnerable, you’d spread rumors and lies about them. If you were really angry, maybe you’d make a fake online profile and catfish them for a month or two. You know, that kind of stuff. We’d never try and poison each other. That is super uncool!”

Holly Hekili was charged with numerous counts of administering a noxious chemical and assault with a weapon. If convicted she faces up to 15 years in prison, and a fine up to $40,000, for each count.

STORYLINE

Your Ceremplant Policy is Unacceptable!

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Dear Dean Mahelona,

I wanted to attend the University of Maui Lahaina College because I believed it was an institution that emphasized lifelong learning, Native Hawaiian culture, and global understanding. That’s what your brochure said at least, and what I was told at orientation. What I soon learned however, was that you stopped learning decades ago, are only interested in promoting a culture of ignorance, and your understanding extends to the edge of your corporately owned desk. Your policy in regards to Ceremplants is particularly egregious!

Telling me that your policies are clearly written in my enrollment materials is unacceptable. Do you actually think people read papers before they sign them? When I asked what all the stuff about the college needing access to my implant was about, I was told it was for my benefit. At first I thought it was nice. Every morning I’d get the news after the morning update and the synch times were short so they didn’t slow me down. Your mapping program was a big help learning the campus, and finding the shortest way to class and stores around town. Then I started to learn more and I felt sick.

I soon learned that all my pictures were being stored by the college. I had no idea that everything I recorded for my personal use was automatically being captured by you as well. When I was taking images of my Psi Pi Chi sisters it was so I could look back on them one day, and relive those memories or use them as leverage. I didn’t expect you to keep them as well. I’m going to need to find a job one day, and I don’t think some of the things you’ve made copies of would help.

It just wasn’t just pictures and video either. I’m not sure you’re aware that the school’s “daily steps” feature does far more than just “Show you how much you’re moving in a elegant way and gives tips on how to be more active.” It not only tracks your steps, it keeps track of your movements on campus and produces a daily map of your activity. I call it a kidnapping treasure map, because I can’t think of a more dangerous piece of data to be kept about a young woman. You can actually go back and see where someone goes every day, and at what time. I assume that you are making money somehow off of this data because I can’t understand why else you would have it.

When I called to have my personal data deleted I was told it was an easy process. That turned out to be another lie. After hours of back and forth, and a number of unnecessary reboots, I was told everything of a personal nature had been removed. Then today I got my “Morning Memory” as usual and it was a picture of Holly Kalili and me standing on the beach. I saw red!

While it’s true that Holly and I were good friends last semester, that was before we learned about her gross beliefs. Holly thought that the new veil quota law was a good idea and that it would help preserve the delicate natural areas on the island. Do you know who else has quotas? People who run slaughterhouses, that’s who! Our sorority could not support someone so hateful that they would support a measure that would make it harder for friends and family visit. She was barely done asking why the locks were changed and her things were in the street, before we all deleted her pictures. Yet, I was now being forced to remember her, and her bigoted beliefs. The only way that was possible was if you somehow had saved pictures of her after I asked you to delete everything.

I immediately complained and demanded that you stop syncing with my implant. Then you dropped the bomb on me. I was told that I would be unable to get my grades until I restored access. That is offensive, and your complete lack of making an exception in my case is unacceptable! I’m not accustomed to dealing with people who choose to flaunt their authority. It’s gross. I don’t work well with people who disagree with me, so you can understand why this has been so hard. In retrospect, I should have known that you were in the pocket of big business. The artwork on campus is devoid of inspiration and clearly corporately sponsored. Even the shrubbery is contrived .

I’m drawing a line and demanding that you change your policies, and void anything I may have already agreed to. I’m pretty sure you can’t hold someone responsible for what they’ve signed if what they’ve signed is stupid! I don’t think you fully understand how many online followers I have, and just how popular I am on campus. I still have people stop me and ask about the story I did freshmen year on how hard it is to live with headgear. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been called brave for letting the student paper take those pictures in the middle of my quest for straighter teeth. What do you think would happen if I let everyone know that you wouldn’t accommodate my wishes? I’m not trying to threaten you. I’m just letting you know that you don’t want to be on the wrong end of an argument with me, just ask Holly. You have 24 hours to agree to my terms.

Indignantly,
Kimberly Hekili