STORYLINE

Kokua Data Breach Linked To Robberies Across Hawaii

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Authorities say that they believe a wave of recent bank robberies are linked to a data breach that occurred at the Kokua Wellness Center this summer. According to reports, new evidence was obtained after a pair of suspects were arrested earlier this week. Police say Scott and Elizabeth Stonegate, the suspects, were cleared but provided information that points to the Kokua incident. They now believe that the perpetrators are using the stolen information, and Newuskin technology to disguise themselves as spa customers.

It’s said that a picture is worth a thousand words, and when police reviewed the security footage of a recent bank robbery in Honolulu, the video told it all. The suspects brazenly entered without bothering to disguise themselves, and at one point looking directly at a camera. It didn’t take long for authorities to identify the individuals as Lahaina Preservation Zone Compliance Officer Elizabeth Stonegate and her husband Scott. Within hours police surrounded the couple’s residence and took them into custody, but despite how it looked initially, the case is turning out to be much more complicated than authorities first believed.

A police spokesperson says, “After interviewing the Stonegates, and some further investigation, we determined that the people in the footage were not in fact the Stonegates despite how it appears. We now believe that the suspects in the video have used Newuskin technology to alter their appearance to that of the Stonegates. We believe the suspects used information gained from an incident this summer at the Kokua Wellness Center. We are looking into the possibility that this event is related to number of similar robberies over the past few months as well. If you have any information about these incidents or the data breach, our tiplines are open.”

There have been a handful of cases in the past involving suspects using the Newuskin process to disguise themselves before, or after committing a crime. However, this would be the first time documented by law enforcement, in which someone used the appearance of a specific person, and a Newuskin machine, as a disguise.

“I usually enjoy being a trendsetter, but this is a first that I could have done without,” says Elizabeth Stonegate.

“It’s been a trying year for us and the last thing I was expecting was to have officers break down my front door and arrest us. It’s not how we usually spend our Wednesday nights around here. Luckily, we have a very good lawyer and after sharing our financial records, the police could see that we weren’t the kind of people who needed to rob a bank. The security video in my office proved that we were working at the exact time the crime occurred as well, but I couldn’t help but think what might have happened to people in our situation who were less gifted. After discussing some specifics, and seeing the video ourselves, it became apparent that the suspects were using the looks we created during the Nu-U promotion at the wellness center. We weren’t really surprised. I can see why our personal looks would be highly prized. From what we’ve seen, we have to be in the top tier of clients in terms of attractiveness, but we were shocked that they had enough data to make such convincing disguises. After all, Scott and I have very minor procedures done, unlike some of our neighbors. I guess that’s just the blessing and curse of having incredible means and genes.”

Police say they can’t get into specifics about the other cases. Lawyers for the Kokua Wellness Center say they can’t comment during an active investigation, but say the center, “Has, and always will, protect the privacy of its clients.”

Newuskin spokesperson Yvonne Masters says the company is reviewing the incident and working with officials in the case. “We take client privacy very seriously, and have temporarily halted treatments at the Kokua Wellness Center until a thorough review of safety, and security procedures can be completed. We can only imagine what the Stonegates have been through and assure others that we are doing everything at our disposal to make sure that their personal data is secure. We are just thankful that the outcome, in this case, was a positive one, and that the Stonegate’s were able to easily clear themselves of wrongdoing. Being accused of bank robbery is bad enough, but we want to catch those responsible before they do something stupid on social media, or commit some sort of faux pas on video, and do some lasting harm to our clients.”

STORYLINE

Veilcorp Expands Veil Drop Program Across Maui and Mainland

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Veilcorp has announced that it plans to expand its wildly popular Veil Drop service across Maui, and to a handful of locations in Seattle. Part delivery and pick up program, and part secure personal storage service, Veil Drop currently has over a dozen locations across Lahaina. The service allows customers to both ship and receive packages, as well as deposit items securely for later pick up. A hit with tourists and busy Front Street shoppers alike, Veilcorp plans on adding an additional 30 locations throughout the island.

“Think of it as a personal storage trunk that you don’t have to lug around with you,” says Brie Howard, Veilcorp’s Vice President of Special Projects. Using a revolutionary microveil system, a Veil Drop location is able to send deposited items to a secure Veilcorp facility. Customers need only enter their security code to retrieve the item in seconds when they’re ready. In addition, Veil Drop users can send and pick up packages at any location when it’s convenient for them via Alohagistics, Veilcorp’s shipping partner.

“Veilcorp has always been about expanding horizons and making life easier. We’ve turned the world into a truly global community, and fostered opportunity for millions. We revolutionized the way you travel; and now we’re revolutionizing your daily life. Thanks to Veil Drop you don’t have to worry about carrying around multiple bags if you’re shopping downtown, keeping track of your important paperwork, hiding presents from the kids or loved ones, securing valuables in your home, or figuring out which box in the attic holds the holiday decorations. Thousands of Lahaina residents have come to rely on Veil Drop to store and organize their things, as well as ship and receive packages in over a dozen locations. We are thrilled that many more will be able to enjoy Veil Drop service in a convenient location near them soon,” says Howard.

Some aren’t quite as enthusiastic about the program’s expansion however. Spokesperson for the Office of Hawaiian Culture (OHC) Ike Hoomana says he worries that the island will soon be dotted with Veil Drop kiosks and worries about the effects of 127, the element used to power veil travel, leaking into sacred or delicate areas.

“We have grave concerns about turning this beautiful land of our ancestors into the land of a thousand storage lockers. We already have too many tourists who don’t respect our culture and natural places by leaving their trash and stomping through sacred areas. Even with limiting their numbers through the Interisland Preservation and Travel Act (IPTA) our island is losing its character and aloha spirit. Now Veilcorp wants to put machines fueled by 127 into the wilds, and make it easier for people to access anything they want, at anytime, instead of fully appreciating the beauty around them. We have seen the effects of this dangerous fuel on our shellfish, and I can only imagine how much damage it will cause with this expansion. Trading the health and beauty of Maui for convenience is no trade at all. All native Hawaiians deserve a flourishing homeland. It is our birthright and heritage that must be protected.”

Howard dismisses Hoomana’s concerns as “typical hysterics and fear mongering.” She points out that 127 has been used safely for decades and that there is no evidence that it causes harm to plants or animals. However, some have concerns about the service itself, not its impact on the environment. Scott Stonegate says the Veil Drop service almost cost him his marriage.

“I got a Veil Drop account as soon as it was available, just to check it out a few months ago. I was excited to try it and see how it worked. I deposited a few household items, sent a couple of packages, and timed how long it took to get things out. I was impressed with how quickly the service worked, but didn’t have much use for it at the time. Somehow, I innocently forgot to mention it to my wife, and one night while she was going through my phone she found my passcode, and things went downhill pretty fast.

She went to a location first thing in the morning, and requested everything in storage. Somehow they got my stuff mixed up with someone else, and it was a disaster. She found a few changes of clothing that just happened to be in my size, a couple bottles of wine, some lingerie that just happened to *not* be in her size, and a teddy bear with a heart that said Shelby. Not being Shelby, my wife was understandably upset. Thankfully after a few days, and my explanation of what must have happened, she calmed down. Everything is fine now, but I refuse to use Veil Drop until I can be assured that this type of mixup won’t happen again, or they implement tighter security measures.”

STORYLINE

Permanent Perfume Trial Cancelled Over Side Effects and Health Concerns

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The FDA has ordered a trial involving a new controversial Newuskin procedure shutdown, out of concerns over the procedure’s safety and possible long-lasting side effects. The Permaroma procedure promised patients that their bodies would produce an enduring, personally-tailored smell, removing the need to apply perfume or cologne. While most involved in the Lahaina trials reported no serious side effects, the FDA expressed concerns over a few recipients who suffered major issues involving the Permaroma treatment. Newuskin points out that none of the reported side effects are life-threatening, and says they will support those suffering adversely from the procedure.

For decades people on the go, or just wanting to avoid hours of makeup application, have opted for permanent makeup treatments. Mimicking the look of freshly applied lipstick, eyebrow pencil, lip liner, or eyeliner through a process similar to tattooing, permanent makeup treatments are relatively common these days. The Permaroma procedure was designed to be the next logical step in permanent beauty treatments. Recipients would no longer need to “freshen up” their perfume during the day or between events because their own sweat glands would produce a custom-made scent throughout the day.

Unfortunately, the procedure has not gone as planned in all cases. The most commonly reported issue revolves around the scent itself. Newuskin says that each patient is given a detailed questionnaire to identify their olfactory preferences, and their personal chemistry is carefully studied to match with the most appropriate individual scents. Nonetheless, the procedure does not always hit the mark. Instead of being surrounded by the smell of citrus, vanilla, or flowers, some have found themselves producing smells like: bleach, garlic, sour milk, rotting meat, sulphur, mildew, and even burnt toast. While giving off a bad smell is not life-threatening, it can be socially crippling to those unlucky enough to involuntarily produce them.

“Despite this setback, we believe strongly in the future of Permaroma,” says Newuskin spokesperson Yvonne Masters. “We obviously feel terrible for anyone suffering any ill-effects and are working with them to resolve the matter as quickly as we can. However, I think we should be careful not to throw out the baby with the bathwater in this case. There is no doubt that having your body naturally give off the perfect smell throughout the day is amazing. It saves time and worry, but we think the future of Permaroma goes much further than that. We believe we are close to unlocking the full potential of one of the last mysteries of the body, human pheromones. Imagine if you could literally give off the smell of confidence, calm your children with your scent, or let that special someone know just how much you appreciate them with a sniff. It is our belief that we are on the verge of opening up an entirely new form of human communication, but first we need to better understand why the procedure makes some people smell like garbage. I’m confident we will.”

While giving off a bad smell is the most common negative side effect, it is not the only one. A handful seem to more readily produce their personalized scent than normal. For these patients, the outcome can be just as bad. Scott Stonegate says he and his wife Elizabeth were excited when they learned that she had been accepted into the Permaroma trial, but that excitement turned into embarrassment and regret soon after the procedure.

“It was all Elizabeth could talk about in the days leading up to the treatment, and I was happy that half the bathroom counter wouldn’t be filled with tiny glass bottles anymore. It didn’t take long for the Permaroma procedure to be completed, or for the trouble to start. It was kind of hot that day, and within a few minutes the entire interior of the car reeked of night jasmine. We had to open the windows it got so bad. Things seemed fine when we got home, and we wrote off the incident as a fluke until that night.

I woke up coughing and choking. It was like I had been shot in the face with a lavender cannon. I could see she was having a bad dream, and I felt like I was in a nightmare too. The smell was so strong I could taste it sticking to the roof of my mouth. I shook her shoulders and tried to say her name but it was thick in there, and I had to get out of the room. It got a little better when she got up, but our problems weren’t over yet.

We decided to walk around the neighborhood to clear our minds and sinuses, but as the sun rose in the sky, so did the smell again. Before long, Elizabeth was dragging a trail of citrus and shame many yards behind us. It sounds strange, but I swear all the hyacinth blooms in the neighborhood seemed more fragrant when we walked by, like they were trying to compete with Elizabeth or something. I couldn’t tell what smelled more, the flowers or her. I could see people outside sniffing the air, long after we passed. The warmer it got, the more intense the smell got. It was then that we figured out that anytime she was upset or got too warm, the smell would just go off the charts.

It’s been hard. I’m sleeping on the couch most nights, and we’re forced to keep the house at 60 degrees or the smell gets too strong to stay inside. Elizabeth doesn’t want to do anything but tend to the flower garden. She doesn’t go anywhere because she’s embarrassed, and being embarrassed just makes the smell worse. We’re hopeful that they’ll figure it out, and Newuskin has been very proactive in resolving the issue, but it’s been exhausting emotionally. I’m not sure that we’ll ever get the smell out of my car’s upholstery, and we’ve had to throw away numerous sets of sheets. I guess It’s been hard on Elizabeth too. Who knew that wanting to always smell good, could feel so bad.”

STORYLINE

Lahaina residents bond over SSHAM and sandbags

Mother nature is not going easy on Maui residents this year. Barely a month into the hurricane season the island has already faced the fury of 3 storms, but none of them have reached the intensity of Neki. The storm has already produced winds of up to 115 mph and meteorologists say that it could get even bigger before it hits.

Mayor of the County of Maui Albert Cravalho has cancelled tonight’s firework display and has issued a statement urging the public to prepare for the worst. All across the island people are bracing themselves and their houses for what might be the most powerful storm to ever hit the island. The National Weather Service now says that Neki might surpass Iniki, the category 4 hurricane that hit Hawaii in 1992.

While the general mood on the island is serious, and many are concerned, the looming storm has also highlighted an extraordinary sense of love and community. Mr. Cravalho says he couldn’t be more proud. This Hawaiian spirit and sentiment is especially true for the Lahaina area.

The Veilcorp facility there has ceased all travel activity and opened the doors to the public to use as an emergency shelter. Dan Kukulu, head of operations says,

“Our doors are open to anyone who is worried about the storm. We have nice strong walls and reinforced windows. Teams are going over every square inch of the facility right now to ensure everyone’s safety. We’re stocked up with enough water and Manimal for a week. We even have some entertainment to take your mind off the wind outside thanks to the Pu’u high school jazz ensemble. Everyone is welcome to come in, have a seat, and tap your feet until this whole thing blows over.”

All along Front Street businesses are boarding up windows and trying to protect themselves from flooding. Hula Noodle, a popular area shop has even offered SSHAM Musubi to everyone who helps fill sandbags. Owner Ralph Umeke says he’s proud, but not surprised at the willingness of his neighbors to lend a hand. “That’s what makes this place special. We’re like a big family. Sure, maybe a few people get on your nerves from time to time but in the end we all pitch in when we need to. Besides, I’m giving out bowls of SSHAM pho to anyone who fills 10 sandbags and that stuff is onolicious.”

North of Front Street others are offering some high-tech alternatives to sandbags. The local maker commune has been busily printing modular surge barriers all day and offering them up to anyone in need. Ano Lee says,

“The machines are hot and we’re almost out of materials but we’ll keep printing until we can’t anymore. This is my home and I want to do everything I can to help. We’re using a pretty cool pattern that I worked on a few years ago. The panels are easy to put together and they’re sturdy. We’ve installed purple LEDs along the top, and blue along the sides so they should look super cool at night, especially highlighted with a little lightning. In addition, every other panel has a small speaker and some pre-loaded music. I have to admit, our hurricane playlist might be the best we’ve ever made.”

People have been queuing up for the barriers all day including Scott Stonegate. The local man says that he isn’t usually the kind to hang out at the commune but appreciates what Lee is doing. Stonegate says he’s using the experience as a life lesson for his kids. “Their mom is the president of our HOA so she’s busy right now making sure that all the plywood is properly fitted over windows, and that there isn’t any unnecessary markings on them. I think it’s important for our kids to see that even in an emergency, standards are important.”

Scott says that if it wasn’t for Lee, his neighborhood of Tanager Lane might not have any workable solution should the storm surge reach far inland.

“I’ve already cleared away anything from around the garage that might be of concern. However, if it wasn’t for these panels my classic Mustang Shelby GT350 might be in danger of getting flooded out. Ivy is the most beautiful custom green and I don’t know what I’d do if her electronics got ruined. I’m over here working with people that I normally avoid in the lightning and raging winds with my kids to teach them an important lesson. You need to do anything you can to ensure the safety of the things you hold most dear.”

The latest National Weather Service forecasts predict Neki to make landfall sometime early tomorrow morning. Until then, the residents of Lahaina will continue to share SSHAM, sandbags, and a sense of community.

STORYLINE

We should cut the ziplines and our losses

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Like many of you I was indifferent to the idea of running ziplines from the radio tower to key spots downtown. On one hand I thought it would reduce the number of lost ecotourists wandering through the neighborhood, on the other hand there were a bunch of meetings that my wife insisted we attend. I consider my time valuable so I was not looking forward to the meetings but figured that the nut who railed against the tower because it would increase swearing would show up and I’d get a laugh. But I’m not laughing now. After everything I’ve been through and seen, I’m beginning to think that the wacko had it right all along. The zipline experiment has failed and we need to take them down before it’s too late.

Like the local weirdo, my first concern is with language. I’m the kind of guy who tries really hard not to care about anything. Getting worked up about issues that you can’t change yourself is a drain. I try not to get too excited about things, but the amount of flying f*$ks given off by these zipliners is astounding. I would estimate that a f-bomb is dropped within earshot of my home every 15 minutes. I have impressionable children. If they are going to be exposed to that kind of language I want it to be from me, not some stranger flying through the sky above their home like a foul-mouthed Santa.

Next we have the safety issues. The company running the lines clearly doesn’t care about safety. From what I can tell, customers are often drunk when using their service. The lines have been up less than a month and we’ve already had 2 instances of people getting stuck. If I’m working on the car while trying to listen to the game, the last thing I need is a screaming tourist stuck 40 feet above my house. It’s not just terrified tourists going down the lines either. I’ve seen coolers, pets, and even a baby strapped into a car seat go flying through the air. At any given time the sky above my neighborhood looks like a cross between a Vegas acrobat show and a swap meet.

Even with all of those problems I thought I could abide the daily idiot air show. There was an incident last week that changed my mind however. I can tolerate bottles and wrappers falling like a filthy rain but not what landed on my car on my way home.

I am the proud owner of a Mustang Shelby GT350. Her name is Ivy. I love her. With 526 hp, 429 lb-ft of torque, and custom green paint, Ivy sets me apart from other men. I love my kids. I really do, but they aren’t remarkable in any way so far. They do alright in school but just alright. I’m probably going to have to pay for their college without any help from scholarships. Neither one is especially athletic or good looking so a job as a Manimal spokesperson is out the window. No, they’re just your run-of-the-mill ordinary kids and I’m OK with that. Ivy is different. When you have a car like that people know that you’re the kind of guy who’s willing to put time into something. Maintaining a car as special as Ivy this close to the ocean is hard work. All kids need is access to food and an occasional hug. Ivy is special and I’m very protective of her.

I was driving home along my normal route, being careful to avoid any debris in the road, just like I always do, when I noticed a zipliner coming my way. I could hear her screams over Ivy’s purr and her face was frozen in terror. Then I watched something drop and arc my way in the wind. I couldn’t figure out what it was at first. It hit the windshield and my mind scrambled to come up with a scenario that wasn’t so horrific, but I had to accept what just happened. The tourist was so scared that she lost control of her bodily functions, and now it was all over Ivy. By the time I got home my finger was numb from pressing the washer fluid button. It took 2 hours of meticulous washing and waxing before Ivy was no longer befouled but I’m not sure she’ll ever be clean again. I double bagged and threw away her wipers.

I want to believe that I’ll be able to look at her one day and not relive the incident, but it’s just too hard right now. I can’t unring that bell. She’s sat covered in the garage all week. I’ve been taking the bus to work. As long as those lines are still up I can’t chance it. Let’s take them down now before others have to feel the pain of having a stranger literally shit all over the thing they hold most dear.

Concerned Citizen,
Scott Stonegate