STORYLINE

Chop House Adds Skin-Eating Prawns To Menu

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There may not be a better place to get a steak on the entire planet. Bob Abramo’s Chop House has won numerous awards and the all-you-can-eat Long Pig Buffet is a pork lovers dream. However, the most recent item on the menu has some crawling in their skin. Since the beginning of the month, the restaurant has been selling The Kokua Wellness Center’s exfoliating shrimp to customers brave enough to eat them. Abramo says the shrimp are delicious and “perfect for those with an adventurous appetite.” Health officials have called the prawns “technically safe to eat.”

Bob Abramo is no stranger to unusual promotions or serving up a spectacle. His Meat Museum has been the talk of Lahaina since it’s opening a few months ago, but many say the prawn special is a plate too far. While Tahitian prawns are a common Spring-time treat for many Hawaiians the thought of eating ones that have fed on human skin and hair can be stomach-turning. According to those brave or foolish enough to order them, their unusual diet is a selling point.

Randy Wilcox is a self-professed adrenaline junky whose taste for thrills extends to what’s on his plate. He says that the prawns sit at the top when it comes to extreme foods.

“I’ve tasted it all and lived to tell about it. I’ve eaten so much fugu that my hands went numb. I’ve downed plate after plate of Sannakji and managed to keep the tentacles from suctioning themselves to my throat. I even ate half a wheel of Casu Marzu on a dare and didn’t get sick but these skin prawns are the bomb! Sure, all those other foods are exotic but the prawns have one big thing going for them that the others don’t. They are absolutely delicious! I’m not sure what it is about a diet of skin and hair that makes these things so sweet and juicy but Bob knows what he’s doing. I’m not worried about them making me sick, but I do wonder how they’d taste if you added some fingernails in the mix.”

Even though Mr. Wilcox clearly has no apprehension about the safety of consuming skin eating prawns, many have voiced concerns. Medical Director of the Lahaina Medical Center, Dr. Dahlia Forsythe says she understands the public’s unease but doesn’t think eating the prawns is dangerous to your health. “It’s just really gross,” she says.

“There are some really good biological reasons why cannibalism is taboo in virtually every culture and society. Eating other people can make you really sick. Kuru, a form of transmissible spongiform encephalopathy (TSE) caused by eating the brain of another human, is a disease similar to mad cow that can cause tremors, loss of coordination, and eventually death. There are a number of other prion diseases that can be transmitted through cannibalism as well as blood diseases like hepatitis, Ebola, and HIV. The good news is that it is highly unlikely that any of these conditions could be passed on through these prawns. Unless the spa is feeding whole bodies to these little guys, I don’t think there’s anything to worry about physically. However, I’d say that anyone who willingly wants to eat a shrimp that has been feeding on human skin and hair might benefit from some time with a good therapist. Seriously, there are better things to eat out there.”

For his part, Bob Abramo stands by his decision to serve Kokua prawns saying the taste and empty plates speak for themselves. Bob says he understands the attention but says the outrage comes from vegetarians and those with limited palettes. “It’s not like we’re hosting Donner Party dinners here,” he says

“I usually think of shrimp as a garnish. I prefer to eat proteins that don’t disappear in one bite, but when I heard about these Kokua prawns it got my stomach and brain churning. Waygu beef comes from cows fed large amounts of beer every day and some of the best hams in the world come from pigs who eat nothing but acorns right before the slaughter. I always say that meat is the spice of life and I started thinking about what prawns fattened up on people would taste like. I’m happy to announce that the answer is delicious!

We’re offering the prawns in three amazing preparations. Our Shrimp Grampy dips our biggest prawns in a tasty tub of garlic, butter, and fresh parsley to help wash your hunger away. Shrimp and Fritz pairs these sweet river treats with a handmade german style sausage and spaetzle. Of course, my personal favorite is the tempura sampler featuring three different dipping sauces inspired by our head line cooks. Customers can enjoy these lightly battered food dreams with a spicy Tilly oil, a tangy Chuck sauce, or a refreshing Brent yogurt dip. Whatever preparation you choose, you’ve won the culinary jackpot. Take a bite and I think you’ll agree that sometimes it’s good to have some hair in your food.”

STORYLINE

Lahaina Spa Offering “Prawn Massages” To Clients

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World-renowned for its high-end beauty treatments and a client list that includes some of Lahaina’s most influential people, The Kokua Wellness Center and Spa is not afraid to push the boundaries of health and wellness. The center was one of the first to offer cutting edge Newuskin technology to its customers, as well as providing many other exotic procedures designed to treat the mind and body. However, a new program has many questioning if Kokua has gone too far. The spa is now offering exfoliating hair removal sessions facilitated by giant freshwater prawns. Dubbed “Prawn Massages” by the media, the center says the sessions are “the most natural method of hair removal available” while environmentalists call it a potentially dangerous exploitation of an invasive species.

While the thought of having hand-sized prawns all over your body may make your skin crawl, Yvonne Masters Promotions Coordinator for the Kokua Wellness Center claims it’s an amazing way to get rid of unwanted hair and stimulate your immune system. Masters says the new program is just the latest to embrace traditional and natural methods of promoting health and beauty.

“We’ve been offering Urchipuncture sessions for over two years now, and our line crayfish collagen-infused health drinks has become one of our best selling supplements, but these prawn sessions are truly amazing. We use locally sourced Tahitian Prawns from crystal clear streams and an all-natural attractant cream specially designed right here at the center. They may be called Tahitian prawns but when you see how good they are at removing hair from those hard to reach areas, you’ll swear they’re from Brazil.

These prawns are truly nature’s perfect hair removers offering several benefits besides glowing smooth skin. Five pairs of swimmerets gently relax the mind with their natural rhythms, while five pairs of walking legs draw out toxins and exfoliating the skin. However, it is the extraordinary long feeding arms and specialized mouthparts that make these creatures a depilatory dream. It’s the most natural way to remove unwanted hair and available exclusively at Kokua.”

The spa claims that the waiting list for a prawn session is now over three weeks long, but many are questioning the wisdom of using an invasive species in such a way, not to mention the dangers of letting an animal with pincers work on your delicate areas. One such person is the DLNR’s Greg Ionia. While he concedes that the spa isn’t doing anything illegal, he worries about spreading an already prolific invasive species to pristine areas.

“Anyone who’s gone to a Spring event or a graduation party has seen plates full of these prawns. They’ve become a hugely popular treat, but it’s important to remember that they are not native to Hawaii and not particularly good for our native species. In 1956 state workers brought 340 of the prawns from Guam to Hawaii. By 1969 people had spotted the prawns in 42 different streams across all the Hawaiian islands. I’m afraid with the popularity of these treatments the prawns will find their way into our few remaining pristine streams. I won’t comment on the actual physical safety of prawn massages. I wouldn’t personally feel comfortable with an animal plucking and chewing off my hair but I don’t think anyone is in danger. I can’t say the same for our native wildlife.”

Despite Kokua’s reassurance about the safety of the procedure, many have complained about pinches, bites, and superficial scrapes. Some have reported other serious complications involving the spa’s special attractant cream used to help the prawns target specific areas. A resident of Tanager Lane, Shelby Pio is no stranger to the spa but says she’s telling all of her friends to skip the prawn massage after her experience.

“To be honest I haven’t had the best luck with beauty treatments but I was sick of waxing and laser treatments so I thought I’d give the prawns a try. The exfoliating and other health benefits seemed like a big plus. They gave me the cream and told me to rub it where I wanted the prawns to focus and to make sure I thoroughly wipe off my hands before settling into the pool. It was a little weird at first. The prawns moved a lot faster than I expected but in no time I was so relaxed it felt like I was floating. Once you get over the initial shock it feels amazing. It was so tranquil that I fell asleep and that’s when the trouble began.

I guess I didn’t wipe my hands well enough and must have touched my head at some point. All I know is that one minute I’m dreaming about angels massaging my temples and the next minute I’m waking up to find giant prawns crawling over my face. They completely removed my eyebrows and left my head looking like I lived through a nuclear disaster. The spa offered a discounted Newuskin treatment to fix everything but we’re not made of money. I spent the next month wearing wigs and drawing on my eyebrows every morning. Regardless of what they say, there was nothing natural about the way I looked once the prawns were done with me.”

STORYLINE

Massive SSHAM recall over concerns of contaminated shrimp

SSHAM ordered a massive recall of over 500,000 cans of SSHAM, SSHAM Less, and SSHAM Extra Spicy today after a major shrimp supplier was forced to shut down. An FDA investigation found a number of serious violations at the Pilua Shrimp Farm, including the use of prohibited feed and illegal antibiotics. This is the first major recall of SSHAM and the company says it is, “acting quickly to ensure the quality and safety of their products.”

Investigators say they were acting on a tip when they began their surprise inspection of the local fish farm. They are calling what they found, “The single most dangerous aquaculture operation the agency has ever seen.” Normally, shrimp are considered one of the safest shellfish options available to consumers when it comes to heavy metals and other contaminants. However, officials have called the shrimp at Pilua potentially deadly.

In addition to a number of violations regarding waste disposal and water filtration systems, the farm had been giving the shrimp dangerous antibiotics, namely nitrofuranzone and chloramphenical. Both have been restricted in the U.S. because of serious side effects including cancers and aplastic anemia. However, It was what workers had been feeding the shrimp that most concerned investigators.

“They had purchased tons of contaminated Iron Curtain era fishmeal really cheap and had decided to use it. We tried to test it with our field equipment but the toxin levels were so high that our machines errored out. We decided to test some of the shrimp and found mercury levels that went through the roof and substantial levels of lead, polychlorinated biphenyl (PCBs), and other potentially dangerous chemicals. They were basically feeding the shrimp poison mixed with binding agents,” says an FDA investigator.

While there is no evidence that any of the tainted shrimp made it into a can of SSHAM, the company and the FDA agreed to the voluntary recall as a safety precaution. But food safety advocate Betsy Kaukau says that SSHAM is dangerous enough on its own, without toxic shrimp, that consumers should be cautious.

“A single serving of SSHAM has about 85% the recommended daily amount of sodium, 80% of your daily saturated fat, and whopping 95% of the recommended cholesterol. It has virtually no nutrients or vitamins and a list of chemical preservatives to prevent bacteria growth and extend shelf life as long as your arm. Research suggests that these chemicals can increase your risk of getting cancer and developing heart disease. It can even hurt the ability to transport oxygen throughout the body, promote type 1 diabetes in children, damage the blood vessels, and lead to hair loss or impotence. It may be the most dangerous food ever put in a can, regardless of whether or not a batch was made with tainted shrimp.”

“You don’t get to be Hawaii’s favorite processed canned meat by making a bad product,” counters SSHAM founder and CEO Art Pua’a. He says that the company follows strict guidelines to ensure consumer safety and has been working with the FDA to guarantee that none of the Pilua shrimp make it out to the public. Pua’a says that the vast majority of their suppliers follow the rules and run their businesses in an ethical and safe manner. “We will be reviewing how we work with our partners to make sure something like this doesn’t happen again. I am extremely disappointed and concerned about the way things were run at the Pilua farm, especially since they were a local operation. That’s not how you treat a business partner or a neighbor,” he added.

As far as the future of SSHAM or the issues raised by Kaukau, Pua’a says he’s not concerned.

“We took quick and decisive action in this case and I think consumers trust us. Our meat product is delicious, quick to make and affordable. Moms, chefs, and kids alike love us. While we wouldn’t stop you from eating a can of SSHAM for every meal, we’re not advocating it either. Everything in excess can be problematic. While I’m a huge fan of the locally grown coffee, I’m sure my doctor would have something to say if I drank multiple pots every day. The truth of the matter is that SSHAM allows people with a busy schedule to enjoy surf and turf in a can. Its spicy-shrimped-hammy goodness is beloved by millions and enjoyed grilled, fried, baked, and diced, safely every night. We plan on doing everything we can to keep it that way.”