STORYLINE

Officials Order Kokua Wellness Center’s “Product Integrity” System Taken Offline

After a recent round of complaints, including an incident involving an incapacitated teen, officials have ordered the Kokua Wellness Center and Spa to shutdown their controversial new product integrity system. The spa says they need the technology to protect their brand, by eliminating any counterfeit or unapproved products from entering their facility. However, Mayor Albert Cravalho says that numerous complaints and a handful of injuries, prove that the system is not yet ready and a danger to the public.

Kokua began using the Standards and Loyalty Assurance Program (SLAP) early last month to protect the spa from “the introduction of products that don’t meet the rigorous physical and spiritual standards of the Kokua Wellness Center.” Signs were erected warning passerbys to stay at least twenty feet away from the property, and customers were warned that Kokua would no longer accept items not purchased at the spa, or previously cleared.

The backlash from the community was almost immediate, with numerous complaints about residents receiving electrical shocks from the system’s integrated drones for getting too close to the front door. In addition, reports of SLAP harming birds who flew over the wellness center flooded the Department of Land and Natural Resources (DLNR). Numerous officers reported that the spas front garden was often covered in dazed terns and convulsing shearwaters. The last straw for officials came when SLAP drones went beyond their set perimeter, and harassed motorists driving by, attempting to destroy non-approved cosmetics detected inside vehicles.

Mayor Cravalho says, “While the Kokua Wellness Center is one of the jewels in Lahaina’s crown, it is clear that this new SLAP system is a slap in the face to the aloha spirit that is at the heart of this town. I appreciate their concerns about protecting their profits, but assaulting people with electricity is not the way to do it. If the management can’t see the wisdom of shutting it down, I’ll do it for them.”

Kokua spokesperson Yvonne Masters says the system isn’t just about protecting profits, although that certainly is a concern. It’s about preserving the integrity of Kokua products, and making sure customers look and feel their best when they leave.

“Last year counterfeit products cost over $2 trillion globally. That number is striking, and certainly a concern of ours, but the real danger to us is the terrible efficacy of faux items reflecting poorly on the center. We take great pride in only offering the finest natural products, providing customers a level of spiritual harmony and fitness that is unatainable with lesser products. Whether it’s our: lotions, exfoliates, specially heated stones, yoga mats, or even towels, Kokua products are the finest money can buy. We’ve seen in the past few years just how terrible knockoff products can be for beauty outcomes and health. While we can’t stop people from cheapening themselves at home, we can assure that nobody cheapens our treatments with forbidden lotion hidden in their bag, or a subpar mat in their lava yoga class.

Our area cosmetic policing and denial system is able to identify banned cosmetics, forbidden clothing, and equipment with a high degree of sophistication. Once a contraband item is found the system uses a mild drone-delivered shock to “illuminate” the offender, and let them know that they should remove the offending cosmetics or return contraband items to their car. If they are not receptive to our message, the power of the electrical reminder is increased to protect the integrity of our center. Every new technology experiences some bumps in the road before it is perfected. We have now addressed any and all issues with SLAP, and believe that the order to take it offline is both illegal, and unnecessary.”

However, a recent incident involving a teenage tourist would seem to belie Masters claim. According to Carla Archer, her son Tim had been enjoying a cherry flavored italian ice when a SLAP drone mistook the red staining around his mouth as a type of banned lip gloss. The boy was reportedly shocked to the point of unconsciousness while his frantic mother tried to protect him, and contact authorities.

Masters counters that the report of the incident contains inaccurate information, and was a simple misunderstanding.

“We feel terrible for the Archers, who had inadvertently wandered onto Kokua property. Carla has accepted our heartfelt apology, as well as a complimentary Nuuskin dermal rejuvenation, and a suite of our finest products. Tim has regained most of the feeling in his hands, and should make a full recovery. Both parties now consider the matter closed. We only hope the mayor’s office will be equally understanding, before we are forced to take the matter to a higher court and spiritual authority.”

STORYLINE

Announcing the Kokua Pet Rejuvenation Center and Spaw

spa2.jpg

For over 6 years, The Kokua Wellness center and spa has been the premier destination for mindful relaxation and facilitated personal growth. We strive to not only respect the therapies and techniques of the past but also explore the wonders of cutting-edge technology. We are constantly evaluating new procedures to better serve your needs, and things are about to become more wonderful. As you know, last year our facility was one of the few chosen to partner with Vereserum to bring you their amazing Newuskin technology. The demand has been nothing short of extraordinary.

We’ve never been happy to simply reside in the realm of wonderful, however. Instead, we believe in manifesting the phenomenal through hard work with our partners and visualizing success. Bolstered with our intentions, and unrestrained by government rules on human testing, our Newuskin family have created the most advanced pet revitalization and shaping center in the world. We are proud to announce the opening of the Kokua Pet Rejuvenation Center and Spaw.

Now both you and your four-legged family member can receive the pampering you deserve. Simply drop off your pet, and choose from a number of our exclusive offerings. While we’re helping you reach your potential through one of our many classes, or creating a better you with Newuskin, we’ll be working hard to give you a companion worthy of your attention.

One of the most unfortunate aspects of pet ownership is all the hair. The help is constantly working to remove it from the floors and furniture. Grooming is too time-consuming and most vets say that waxing is not an appropriate option. If you’ve ever had to leave a social function because of the crushing embarrassment of having rogue pet hair on your clothing, you’ll love Vereserum’s new shed-resistant hair technology.

With this exciting treatment, you can ensure that your pet’s hair stays where it belongs, on your pet. With a simple touch-up every 90 days you can say goodbye to the groomer forever, and let your cleaning staff devote their attention to more important tasks. For an additional nominal fee, we can match your pet’s coat to a specific outfit. Instead of being humiliated by your pet’s hair, turn them into the perfect accessory that you always hoped they’d be.

This new technology can even expand the usefulness of your pet’s hair with an iridescent and bioluminescent fur upgrade. Now your pet’s coat can truly shine! Effortlessly spot your animal at night, and make it easier for them to be seen by motorists. This offering is perfect if you have young children who are scared of the dark. Imagine the security they’ll feel by having their own personal four-legged nightlight.

Short of keeping them inside a sealed container, there is no way to completely protect your pet from the dangers and filth of the outdoors. Nothing is as bad as the horror of a flea or tick infestation. Even the most pampered pooch can be exposed to these tiny nightmares from less vigilant pet owners. In the past, your options were limited to potentially toxic sprays, drops, and collars, or simply getting a new pet, which can be emotionally difficult. Now, you have a better choice.

Vereserum’s repellent skin deters parasites with an all-natural chemical barrier that stays with your pet for up to 3 months. In addition, the treatment slightly thickens your pet’s epidermis making it more resilient to irritation. In some cases, we’ve seen up to an 80% reduction in unsightly scratching or rubbing. Give your pets the skin you and they deserve.

Despite the best breeding, sometimes your furry family member grows into a disappointment. Breed standards are stringent, and until now pet owners were forced to live with imperfections. With total pet rejuvenation, you can finally have the perfect pet. Your animal will not only receive the shed-resistant hair and the skin upgrade, but we will reshape its features to perfectly match the standards of its breed. (Note: this process disqualifies your pet from showing in most animal clubs and associations.) Imagine the pride you’ll feel when that slightly crooked tail is finally straight or that bent ear stands tall as it should for an animal befitting its station.

Due to the number of inquiries, we will be expanding our offerings to now include pigs and rabbits as well as cats and dogs. Of course, you’ll still be able to enjoy some of our more established programs including our holistic grooming classes and ultra-whitening teeth procedures. Call to inquire about times and availability. We will discuss pricing and payment options in person at the facility. Sorry, we are not offering any financing options at this time. No walk-ins, please. Hurry, as we expect high demand and have a limited number of openings. Be sure to ask about animal ceremplants! They make training easy, and better yet allow for a two-way relationship with your cat, dog, pig, or rabbit.

STORYLINE

Unprecedented start to hurricane season has many worried

hurricane.jpg

2047 is turning out to be the worst hurricane season in recorded history, and that has many Maui residents concerned and looking for answers. Less than two months into the season and the island has already weathered 2 tropical storms and a full fledged hurricane. The extraordinary string of bad weather has many worried that Veilcorp activity is to blame, while other islanders have slightly more spiritual concerns about the storms.

Tropical storm Iopa hit the islands hard on May 7th this year, a full month before hurricane season officially begins, but that was just the beginning. Hurricane Kika followed soon after with tropical storm Lana cresting land a few weeks ago. While the storms caused relatively little damage to populated areas, the frequency of activity this year has many worried. Now, with tropical depression Maka looming and Neki following and gaining strength quickly, residents are looking for answers and some relief.

The last time a category 4 hurricane hit Hawaii was back in 1992. On September 11 hurricane Iniki passed directly over the island of Kauai. By the time it had passed, the storm had killed 6, destroyed 1,400 homes and caused more than $1 billion in damage. None of the storms this year have matched that intensity so far, but meteorologists say that Neki is following a similar path and is growing rapidly.

Many believe that an infamous Veilcorp program is to blame for the increase is storms. Since it started solar production of 127 (unbiseptium) in 2046, the Icarus project has been a lightning rod for Veilcorp opponents. Many claim that the change in weather patterns can be directly tied to the notorious project.

Critics say that worldwide exposure to 127 has increased drastically since the project began and that it is too soon for any study to make a definitive finding one way or the other about its safety. They point to a marked increase in major storms and changing weather patterns worldwide since Icarus began as proof that the issue needs more attention. Locally, many are concerned that the increase in 127 is having an impact on native flora and fauna. Calls for an investigation by the Department of Land and Natural Resources have gone unanswered so far, but activists remain vocal.

The corporation says that concerns are unfounded and that there is no proof that the project has any effect on the weather, sea, or animals. They point out that Veil technology has relied on 127 since its inception over 20-years-ago, and that there is no evidence of any long-lasting negative effects.

Still others on the island worry that Veilcorp activity has caused a cosmic crisis and that the unusual weather patterns are a symptom of a spiritual sickness. One such believer is Sebastian Malu. A Barraloha instructor at the Kokua Wellness Center in Lahaina and the founder of the Eternal Cycle Church, Malu says that Veilcorp should have consulted an astrologer before beginning the Icarus project.

He says,

“It’s insane to me that nobody at Veilcorp realized that harvesting energy from the center of our solar system in a year in which Mercury was occulated by the sun and Saturn was experiencing its summer solstice was a bad idea. Add to that the fact that there were 2 partial lunar eclipses in 2046, followed by 2 total eclipses this year and it’s a recipe for disaster. Just look at how bad the storms have been so far and we’re just getting started. The hurricane season lasts another 4 months. I know it’s popular to dismiss the wisdom of the ancients but they were given a blueprint for life and had a rich understanding of the great cycles that we have all but lost. The Melchizedek pattern and the Great Wesak cycle came together in April and May last year. It should have been a time of discernment and higher vibrations, instead Veilcorp ramped up their parasitic activity and muddied the cosmic water for all of us. I’ve been warning all my students and parishioners that our mother and the universe will have to make adjustments in order to return to balance. I believe the storms we’ve seen so far are part of that process. It’s not a coincidence that Neki is on its way just in time for the lunar eclipse on July 7th. It’s going to take a powerful storm to wash away the stain Veilcorp has left, and I’m afraid that’s exactly what’s coming.”

Whether it’s just an unusual natural cycle, a product of Veilcorp experiments, or a cosmic cry for help, the storm season this year is already one for the record books. Many residents are already preparing for the worst and hoping for the best. Officials are tracking the storms closely and say they could reach land in a matter of days.

STORYLINE

60-year-old Lahaina Man Brings Lawsuit To Lower His Age 20 years

law3.jpg

We live in an amazing time in history. The integration between man and machine has never been tighter thanks to ceremplants, and with Veilcorp technology you can travel the globe virtually instantaneously (once you make it through the security lines), but turning back the hands of time is still a bridge too far, or is it? One Lahaina man says that for all intents and purposes he’s actually 20 years younger than his birthday would lead you to believe, and is suing to have his birth year officially changed.

Former Dean of The University of Maui Lahaina College, and current life coach, 60-year-old Brian Mahelona says he has the body and mind of a man decades younger and has the paperwork to prove it. Through frequent Newuskin treatments and controversial stem cell rejuvenation therapy, Mahelona claims to have “revitalized” himself and is physiologically indistinguishable from someone almost half his age. Now, backed with doctor reports and lab results, he is asking the State to change his age in their records. “You can change your name. I don’t see why you can’t change your age if you really are physically younger than what your birth certificate indicates,” he says.

Unsurprisingly, the case has grabbed headlines over recent weeks, but Brian is no stranger to being in the news. Just last year he resigned his position as dean due to allegations of inappropriate behavior and misappropriation of funds to fuel what reports called “a Newuskin treatment obsession.” However, no criminal charges were filed in the case, and Mahelona vigorously denies doing anything illegal. He acknowledges that he acted at times with poor judgment, but says he’s learned from his missteps and is serious about his case.

“I know a lot of people out there are thinking that I’m some crazy old guy who lost his job because he would show up at college parties, tailgate with the student body, say inappropriate things and spent every last dime he had on Newuskin treatments and tailored stem cell injections, but that’s not true at all. I’m definitely not old! I’ve devoted everything to rejuvenating my body and it has really paid off. I’m not just bragging, I’ve quantified my strength, potency, and vigor with the help of medical professionals. I feel like a young god because I’ve transformed myself into one. I can’t believe what I see in the mirror, and I find myself looking a lot. A man the age of the one on my birth certificate is limited. As someone in their 40’s I still have a lot of options when it comes to cars, dating, employment, and life in general. I just want the government to acknowledge what’s obvious to anyone looking at me, and change my date of birth.”

Newuskin spokesperson and Kokua Wellness Center promotions coordinator Yvonne Masters says Mahelona’s transformation is impressive but pushes back at the idea that treatments will actually make you younger. “There’s no doubt that regular Newuskin treatments will benefit your overall health, and have a stunning effect on your outward appearance, but make you younger? No, I’m afraid that’s something we can’t claim. We are in awe of what Mr. Mahelona has been able to accomplish through regular treatments, purposeful eating and plating practices, and his laser-like focus on manifesting his personal truths. However, I can’t say that we can reverse the aging process quite yet. On the other hand, if the State does agree that Mr. Mahelona is in fact younger because of the vitality imbued by our treatments….well that would be a different story. In either case, there is no denying the amazing results his determination and our technology have created.”

Officials say there is little chance Mahelona is going to be successful as there is no legal mechanism allowing a person to change their birth date. A Maui court is expected to rule on the matter by the end of the month, but the court of public opinion seems to have already come to its own verdict, and it’s not good for the former dean. Holly Kalili a Junior at the university and a sister in the Psi Pi Chi sorority says students were initially amused by Mahelona’s antics, but now most just feel bad for him.

“At first we were all like ‘Is that the dean playing beer pong?’ It was kind of funny I guess. He was trying to hang out with us and talk like us, but it was also kind of weird, like when your parents try to talk with you like they’re your friend and not your parents. It’s not that I don’t like old people. I absolutely love watching Malie’s List, that show where the old lady on her scooter crosses things off your bucket list. But she’s like over a hundred, that’s inspirational old. Dean Mahelona is just sad old. I guess he looks good for his age, but I mean 40 is too old to hang out at frat parties too. I just hope he gets the help he needs, and stops doing things that put him in my newsfeed.”

STORYLINE

Is Your Facility Right For Newuskin?

spa1.jpg

As you can imagine, demand for our Newuskin tables has been great, to say the least. Vereserum has received so many requests for our technology in fact, that we have put together this guideline to help weed out facilities not ready to properly administer a Newuskin device. It is our hope that this outline will effectively communicate the minimum requirements and expectations associated with becoming a Vereserum partner and leasee of Newuskin technology. If your facility and clientele meet our basic requirements please contact our sales department. Nothing that follows is legally binding and terms are subject to change at any time.

Your Facility
Newuskin is cutting-edge technology that requires special backup power supplies and a special facility. Our rejuvenation tables require a dedicated power source and seamless backup supply. The delicate nature of the process means that one of our devices can never be without power. In addition to the power requirements, your facility must meet strict guidelines. Your building must have been built or had a major renovation within the last 6 years. Unless it is located in an especially unique area (lone building on an island, on top of a mountain, destination hotel, etc.) all of our partner locations must be at least 7,000 square feet. We also require a full audit of the facility before installation to make sure that the towels, chairs, fixtures, decorations, and various other items inside are of sufficient quality.

Your Financials
We require that our partners turn over a complete financial history of the facility and any owners/partners with more than a 10% interest in the business. We require tax returns for all the above parties going back 10 years. In addition, we ask that a forward-looking business plan be filed highlighting how you plan to integrate our technology into your facility, and what your goals for the next 5 years are.

Your Clientele
Almost as important as the quality of your facility is the quality of your clientele. We require a complete list of all your clients with the appropriate contact information. Your combined clientele must meet our minimum total income levels, social media reach, and average age demographics. We are a new technology and are trying to market to a younger demographic so a facility with younger clients will be looked upon favorably. Any clients of note (actors, singers, media personalities) will of course rank your facility higher than others.

Messaging
All advertising about our products and devices must be cleared with our marketing department. All messaging must focus on skin/hair changes and imply surface treatment only. The full organ/body replacement nature of the process must never be mentioned. If pressed by a client you are to present them with the information packs we will provide. In addition, you must refrain from answering any specific questions about the length of time the treatment will last. We encourage using a vague statement like: “Best of all, the results after one session can last months! “ The lead on all advertising will be “Newuskin, Nu U!” In addition, the following marketing statements have been pre-cleared.

Be the best you, you can be with the help of Newuskin.
Let the new you look exactly like the old you.
Enjoy the taught soft skin of your prime.
Tell Mother Nature and Father Time that they’re not in charge anymore.
Add some dark to your tall and handsome.
Newuskin, new you.

Other Considerations
All excess biological materials leftover from the Newuskin process must be recycled, cremated, or dealt with in a discreet, legal manner. We encourage you to investigate the laws regarding the disposal of such materials in your jurisdiction. We also require you to carry the appropriate liability insurance and sign an agreement freeing the company from any possible litigation. In some cases, Vereserum will ask for a forced dissolution contingency agreement to secure its interests.

If you think you and your facility meet all of these requirements and you agree to these conditions, please contact our sales department. We’ll verify some basic information and start the process. If we find everything to be up to our standards, you’ll be able to offer the most prestigious and advanced beauty treatment in the world. It is our sincere hope to include you in the Newuskin family soon!

STORYLINE

Lahaina Spa Offering “Prawn Massages” To Clients

spa3.jpg

World-renowned for its high-end beauty treatments and a client list that includes some of Lahaina’s most influential people, The Kokua Wellness Center and Spa is not afraid to push the boundaries of health and wellness. The center was one of the first to offer cutting edge Newuskin technology to its customers, as well as providing many other exotic procedures designed to treat the mind and body. However, a new program has many questioning if Kokua has gone too far. The spa is now offering exfoliating hair removal sessions facilitated by giant freshwater prawns. Dubbed “Prawn Massages” by the media, the center says the sessions are “the most natural method of hair removal available” while environmentalists call it a potentially dangerous exploitation of an invasive species.

While the thought of having hand-sized prawns all over your body may make your skin crawl, Yvonne Masters Promotions Coordinator for the Kokua Wellness Center claims it’s an amazing way to get rid of unwanted hair and stimulate your immune system. Masters says the new program is just the latest to embrace traditional and natural methods of promoting health and beauty.

“We’ve been offering Urchipuncture sessions for over two years now, and our line crayfish collagen-infused health drinks has become one of our best selling supplements, but these prawn sessions are truly amazing. We use locally sourced Tahitian Prawns from crystal clear streams and an all-natural attractant cream specially designed right here at the center. They may be called Tahitian prawns but when you see how good they are at removing hair from those hard to reach areas, you’ll swear they’re from Brazil.

These prawns are truly nature’s perfect hair removers offering several benefits besides glowing smooth skin. Five pairs of swimmerets gently relax the mind with their natural rhythms, while five pairs of walking legs draw out toxins and exfoliating the skin. However, it is the extraordinary long feeding arms and specialized mouthparts that make these creatures a depilatory dream. It’s the most natural way to remove unwanted hair and available exclusively at Kokua.”

The spa claims that the waiting list for a prawn session is now over three weeks long, but many are questioning the wisdom of using an invasive species in such a way, not to mention the dangers of letting an animal with pincers work on your delicate areas. One such person is the DLNR’s Greg Ionia. While he concedes that the spa isn’t doing anything illegal, he worries about spreading an already prolific invasive species to pristine areas.

“Anyone who’s gone to a Spring event or a graduation party has seen plates full of these prawns. They’ve become a hugely popular treat, but it’s important to remember that they are not native to Hawaii and not particularly good for our native species. In 1956 state workers brought 340 of the prawns from Guam to Hawaii. By 1969 people had spotted the prawns in 42 different streams across all the Hawaiian islands. I’m afraid with the popularity of these treatments the prawns will find their way into our few remaining pristine streams. I won’t comment on the actual physical safety of prawn massages. I wouldn’t personally feel comfortable with an animal plucking and chewing off my hair but I don’t think anyone is in danger. I can’t say the same for our native wildlife.”

Despite Kokua’s reassurance about the safety of the procedure, many have complained about pinches, bites, and superficial scrapes. Some have reported other serious complications involving the spa’s special attractant cream used to help the prawns target specific areas. A resident of Tanager Lane, Shelby Pio is no stranger to the spa but says she’s telling all of her friends to skip the prawn massage after her experience.

“To be honest I haven’t had the best luck with beauty treatments but I was sick of waxing and laser treatments so I thought I’d give the prawns a try. The exfoliating and other health benefits seemed like a big plus. They gave me the cream and told me to rub it where I wanted the prawns to focus and to make sure I thoroughly wipe off my hands before settling into the pool. It was a little weird at first. The prawns moved a lot faster than I expected but in no time I was so relaxed it felt like I was floating. Once you get over the initial shock it feels amazing. It was so tranquil that I fell asleep and that’s when the trouble began.

I guess I didn’t wipe my hands well enough and must have touched my head at some point. All I know is that one minute I’m dreaming about angels massaging my temples and the next minute I’m waking up to find giant prawns crawling over my face. They completely removed my eyebrows and left my head looking like I lived through a nuclear disaster. The spa offered a discounted Newuskin treatment to fix everything but we’re not made of money. I spent the next month wearing wigs and drawing on my eyebrows every morning. Regardless of what they say, there was nothing natural about the way I looked once the prawns were done with me.”

STORYLINE

Association Seeks to Ban SSHAM Oil Production In Lahaina

essenoit.jpg

SSHAM oil may be the hottest health and beauty product on the shelves this year, but not everyone is singing its praises. A wedding planner organization is seeking to shut down the production of the uniquely smelling oil in Lahaina, saying the odor associated with its manufacture is driving tourists away. SSHAM says that they are breaking no laws in the production process, and take great steps to contain the smell to the area around the facility. Fans of the oil admit it is an acquired smell, but not one so bad that it would affect tourism.

Weddings and honeymoons are a big business in Maui. The destination wedding market accounts for $26 billion worldwide, with almost 40,000 destinations weddings in Hawaii every year. According to the Hawaiian Association of Certified Wedding Planners (HACWP), SSHAM oil is putting the industry at risk. Spokesperson Helen Ki’i says the smell from the factory is making some newlyweds consider other, better smelling, destinations. “It’s quite overpowering on certain days,” she says. “If the wind is right the smell from the oil plant is too much for even the most determined bride. It’s true that we have some of the most beautiful beaches in the world, perfect for once in a lifetime photographs and memories, but that doesn’t matter if the air smells like you’re over-frying fermented shrimp and sauerkraut in a pot of rotten lard. We’ve had fewer bookings this year than ever before, and our referral business is almost nonexistent. The stench is killing our business and whatever they’re doing to make something that smells like that can’t be good for people. We’re asking the courts to halt SSHAM oil production in Lahaina until a reasonable solution can be found. I know it will help our customers, and Lahiana residence breathe a little easier, once the factory is closed.”

SSHAM released a statement that the production process for the prized oil is completely safe, and legal. The company says, “We simply take the same SSHAM you’d find on the shelves of your favorite stores and render the fragrant and beneficial oils in a special heating process, filter out any impurities, and condense the product for maximum efficacy.” The company points out that animal products have long been used in health and beauty products. Beaver castoreum, the yellow secretion from their castor sacs, and whale ambergris are both highly prized. In addition, they say that people have been making a less potent version of SSHAM oil for years and recipes can be found on their SSHAM Stories page. “We understand that the smell may be a bit unusual the first time you encounter it, but it is completely safe, and we try hard to limit its spread from our facility. We are currently looking into technological solutions to sequester any escaping odors, and believe a complete shutdown is unwarranted at this time.”

While the smell of its manufacture, and the oil itself, may turn some stomachs, many swear by its medicinal and therapeutic properties. The Kokua Wellness Center was one of the first businesses to embrace and promote the powers of SSHAM oil. The exclusive Spa has been offering the oil in various treatments for over a year. Center Director Autumn kohu ‘ole says that she has personally felt the power of SSHAM oil. “It’s a hugely powerful tool in our Wellness toolbox,” she says. “Even though it’s produced from animal products, it acts just like an essential oil. Its naturally occurring, volatile aromatic compounds are some of the strongest I’ve ever seen. Better yet, SSHAM oil can be used in all three ways that other essential oils are. Topically, the oil kills bacteria, heal scars, and minimize marks on the skin. Ingested, the oil stimulates hormone and digestive enzyme production and the aromatherapy applications include mood enhancement and confidence building. It’s definitely not a one trick pony. I will admit that the smell takes some getting used to, but its health benefits far outweigh any initial gagging. I don’t know what our customers would do if we had to discontinue oil treatments.”

Long-time SSHAM oil user, Brandi Essen agrees with Autumn. Essen has been receiving treatments for over 6 months and says she doesn’t know how she’d get through a week without it. Essen says that it’s similar to living someplace in the country, near a farm. “You just get used to the smell after awhile,” she says. “People have been using aromatherapy for over 5,000 years. Some of those smells can be quite strong, but that’s the point. I don’t think the occasional factory smell wafting downtown is a big deal. SSHAM oil works. If it didn’t, do you think someplace as upscale as Kokua would offer it? SSHAM oil provides relief to millions across the globe, myself included. I know that if I can make it an hour in a room that smells like fish heads and burnt bacon stewing in sour wine, while someone puts hot rocks on my back, and rubs my legs with nettle paste, I can make it through anything at work.”

Residents (and their noses) on both sides of the issue, should have a decision about SSHAM oil production in Lahaina, by the end of the week.

STORYLINE

DLNR’s New Plan for Invasive Species: Eat the Invaders

The Hawaii Department of Land and Natural Resources (DLNR) has started an innovative and unusual campaign to rid Maui of one of the fastest-growing invasive species, the Red Swamp Crayfish. According to the DLNR, the crayfish eats crops, damages land, kills native species, are easy to catch, and are absolutely delicious. They are counting on the stomachs of hungry Hawaiians to do what years of chemical control efforts couldn’t hold the crustaceans in check.

Like so many of Hawaii’s invasive species, the story of the Red Swamp Crayfish, Procambarus clarkii, is one of unintended consequences. Introduced into taro patches near Ahuimanu Stream in O’ahu, the crayfish population exploded and became a serious threat to taro cultivation. The pests have been documented to consume taro, and rice, prey on insects, snails, and the eggs of native fish species. If that wasn’t bad enough, their burrows can cause bank erosion along streams and rivers, as well as drain taro fields.

With the help of tourists and collectors, the crayfish soon found their way to other islands, Maui in particular. Chemical controls over the past few years have proved ineffective at slowing down the population, and many are concerned about the use of potentially dangerous chemicals inside the preservation zone. After it was discovered that SSHAM affected the crustacean’s nervous system, many local streams were “chummed” with the canned meat product in an attempt to kill them off. However, the practice was stopped out of concerns about the long-term consequences on native species. “To be honest we were running out of ideas,” says the DLNR’s Greg Iona. “It was a trip to Louisiana by one of our officers that sparked the consumption campaign. We’re focused on getting the word out about the crayfish and letting people know that there is a great new seafood option right out their backdoor. They really are easy to catch, and quite delicious when prepared correctly.”

The State’s campaign highlights the abundance of crayfish in many streams around Lahaina and offers an open season on the pests. The DLNR provides cooking and catching tips on their website, as well as information regarding the damage caused by the species every year. Many local businesses are jumping on board, with local eateries offering crayfish dishes, and SSHAM CEO Art Pua’a saying the company plans on offering a clarkii blend within the next month. Nonetheless, not everyone is sold on eating the pests.

Hula Noodle owner Ralph Umeke says the crayfish will never be offered in his noodle shop. “They call them mudbugs for a reason,” he says. According to Umeke the crustaceans are foul-tasting and potentially dangerous.

“They’ve been putting a lot of pressure on restaurant owners to help promote this idea of theirs. They’ve even offered to provide the crayfish for the first few months for free, but I just can’t do it in good conscience. I’m not sure I have the words to describe what one of these things taste like. They’re awful. There isn’t enough garlic, butter, or rum in the world to make them edible. Imagine finding a pool that hasn’t been cared for in a couple years, drain it and wipe up the scum on the bottom with a piece of bread, that’s close. The first one I tried made me retch. Not only do they taste bad, but they are potentially dangerous. After doing a little research, I found that they have a propensity to accumulate environmental contaminants like: heavy metals, dangerous organic runoff compounds, and pesticides. They can also be vectors for several harmful human parasites including: the lung fluke, rat lungworm, and leptospirosis bacteria. I think trapping them is fine, but I wouldn’t put one in my mouth.”

The DLNR says that like many animals, crayfish living in polluted waters can be dangerous, but the water quality on the island makes them safe to eat. Despite what Umeke may think, they encourage the public to give the crayfish a try. Many are doing just that. Over the past weeks, crayfish fever has hit the island, and many businesses are cashing in. The Kokua Wellness Center is touting a line of crayfish-infused tonics and fresh fruit drinks.

Spokesperson Yvonne Masters says, “We are excited to offer a large variety of clarkii collagen infused health drinks. These natural healing tonics are perfect for: weight loss, boosting immunity, increasing bone density, and enhancing the skin. We use only local crayfish, blend them onsite, and extract the collagen fresh every day to maximize flavor and potency. We are recommending the drinks to our clients as a supportive health aid, to be used in conjunction with their usual Newuskin treatments.”

Rather than consumption, local inventor Ano Lee is focusing on catching the crayfish. Even though Lee himself recently battled a life-threatening leptospirosis infection, one of the pathogens found in the species, he says he is excited about the open season and has designed a unique trap perfect for catching buckets full.

“The pyramid-style trap, with three entrance funnels has been the industry standard for a long time because it is nearly perfect for its intended purpose. My design is similar, with adjustable funnels so it can be used on a variety of crustaceans including crabs, and spiny lobster, but that isn’t what sets my traps apart. It’s the sonic lure, that makes the difference with our traps. Most crustacean fishing is passive with scent lures designed to draw in your intended targets, but my traps send out a continuous low frequency pulse that calls out to the crayfish, and draws them in. I’m not sure if it’s an aggression or a sex thing, but they sure come running when they hear the noise.”

Lee disregards complaints that the sound produced by his traps has caused pets to become agitated, and reports that they have led to insomnia, unusual dreams, and ringing in the ears in people living near an active trap. He says, “It’s springtime and it’s only natural that animals are going to be more vocal at this time of year. The same goes for people. Sometimes you have weird dreams and can’t sleep. It happens to everyone. It happens to me all the time. I would suggest that these people get some noise-canceling headphones if it bothers them that much, and look up some crayfish recipes because they are going to catch a ton with my traps.”

STORYLINE

Spa Faces Backlash Over New Astrological Pricing

space.jpg

Lahaina’s Kokua Wellness Center and Spa is world renowned for its exclusive clientele, cutting-edge health services, and high-end beauty treatments, but a new pricing scheme has many long-time customers seeing red. The bastion of serenity has ruffled plenty of feathers recently with their introduction of an astrological pricing system. The price of many popular treatments can now cost up to 150% more depending on your birthday, and the time of the year you book your appointment. Many are accusing the famous spa of discrimination, while Kokua says they are simply adjusting prices to properly reflect the varying degree of difficulty in treating clients throughout the year and honoring their employee’s work.

Word of the new pricing system has spread quickly across the island, despite the lack of an official announcement from the spa. Opponents say that relaxing with West Maui’s rich and famous with the gorgeous wilds as a backdrop, is a dream for many, that will now never be realized thanks to the new program. The Mayor’s Office says they have received several official complaints and are looking into the matter to determine if any laws have been broken.

Kokua spokesperson Yvonne Masters says that astrological signs are not protected groups under the law. She contends that the new pricing model is not about making more money, but is simply a reflection of the difficulty in creating “stunning outcomes” for everyone at all times. “This is simply a way for us to keep our high standards and protect our beauty facilitators at the same time,” she says.

“Like many great ideas, the astrological pricing system wasn’t something thought up in a boardroom or accounting office, it grew naturally amongst our employees until it was ripe for implementation. It all started one day when it was unseasonably cold and rainy. A sort of malaise was spreading quickly through the spa, but we were powerless to identify the underlying cause all morning. By the afternoon, I knew we were facing a crisis. I ordered everyone to attend an emergency tonal therapy session to clear the fatigue and discover the cause of the funk that seemed to hang in the halls and treatment rooms. After a few role-playing exercises and an extensive review of the day’s survey cards, someone pointed out that all the customers that day were air signs.

It suddenly made perfect sense. The problem wasn’t us or the weather, it was the discordant vibrational energy of our customers. We might have been able to push through it if it was any other time of the year, but unfortunately, we have to take our clients as we find them. We all scrambled to cleanse the building and reset our centers, while I looked for the emergency amethyst. While we strive to give clients all the nurturing guidance we can, it became apparent that we needed to make significant changes to our monetary offering guidelines to properly reflect our efforts.”

Chef Craig Hoomaau, a certified nutritionist and transpersonal plating-arts instructor at Kokua, says he supports the spa’s decision even though he has had to cancel a class due to the backlash. “I’m proud to teach in a place that is so proactive in seeking unorthodox solutions to unconventional problems.” He adds, “There’s no doubt that we can use food and purposeful plating techniques to shape our mind and body, but there’s no denying that we are cast from a mold shaped by the time and place we were born. Everyone knows that an Aries can’t work harmoniously with a Cancer, so it’s not so strange to think that all healing is not achieved by the same level of effort.”

Most legal experts agree that there is nothing illegal about the new pricing scale, but wonder if the center can survive this latest round of bad press. “I understand that they can charge whatever they want, but they should have said something before my spa day began. What was supposed to be a relaxing afternoon turned into a nightmare,” says customer Shelby Pio.

“I had recently gone through a health scare experimenting with a beauty treatment that left my face partially paralyzed for a few weeks. To be honest, my hopes and dreams had drooped almost as low as the right side of my face. Then my husband gave me a spa day certificate to the Kokua Wellness Center. Normally I would have asked where he got the money for such a lavish gift, but I was so excited that I didn’t care. I wiped the tears from my left cheek and booked a time later that month. I had no idea what a mistake that was.

I was all done with my dermal peel, nail replacement, and eyelash thickening when they told me that the certificate didn’t cover my treatment because of my birthday. They wanted over $1000 more, and that didn’t even include the mandatory 20% gratuity. I couldn’t believe it and asked why I wasn’t told beforehand. I was told that the astrological pricing system was new so they didn’t have time to change all the printed information yet. When I said that it was unacceptable and wouldn’t pay the upcharge, they threatened to take back my nails and eyelashes. I had just spent the last month getting over the stares the palsy brought on, and couldn’t imagine going through all that again so I put the upcharge on my credit card. I’m no expert on the zodiac, but I can tell you that another trip to the Kokua Wellness Center isn’t in my stars.”

STORYLINE

Record Setting Solar Prominence Highlighted By Eclipse Remains a Mystery

ecclipse.jpg

The eclipse on April 20 attracted astronomers, amateur stargazers, and eclipse chasers from all over to the island. The exceptionally dry and clear weather of West Maui makes it a perfect place to view astronomical events. A partial eclipse isn’t the rarest event in the universe but what was discovered that day is changing what we know, or don’t know in this case, about stars. A record setting solar prominence was clearly visible to all and has many worried about what effects Veilcorp’s Icarus Project is having on the sun.

One of the most impressive features of the sun is a solar prominence. The fiery loops of plasma extending far outward into space, following magnetic fields, are as beautiful as they are impressive. These gigantic loops of plasma can extend far into space. An average sized prominence can reach out thousands of kilometers, with the largest recorded before April 20 measuring over 800,000 kilometers long. Prominences can last a long time, days or sometimes even months. However, the prominence activity noted on the day of the eclipse is unlike anything astronomers have ever seen.

While many are concerned, Aldrick Lehmann, astronomer and lead engineer of the Hoku telescope, urges caution, noting that scientists are still researching how and why prominences are formed.

“The truth is that we just don’t know what could be categorized as normal. We’ve only had the technology to properly study the phenomena a short time. What we can say accurately is that we’ve never seen so many prominences at once before, and the first recorded description is from the 14th century. In addition, the longest has been estimated to be over 1.3 million kilometers long, that’s almost twice as long as any ever observed before, roughly the diameter of the sun. A coronal mass ejection from a prominence so large would of course be a concern. It’s interesting that this sort of activity has never been seen before the start of the Icarus Project, but I can’t say that Veilcorp is responsible, or even that it’s dangerous. What is clear however, is that we need more time and data in order to understand what is going on.”

Veilcorp has no shortage of critics, but the Icarus Project has easily been the most controversial program in the company’s history. Extracting 127 (Unbiseptium) directly from the sun, the program has been a target for environmentalists and safety officials alike. However, until now, most concerns have been focused on the economic and environmental impact that the increased exposure and stockpiling of 127 would cause. Despite Veilcorp safety assurances, the effects of the project have been a point of contention, with both sides citing conflicting studies. This is the first time that there has been any evidence that the project is impacting the sun itself, and it has many worried.

Sebastian Malu, a Barraloha instructor at the Kokua Wellness center and founder of the Eternal Cycle Church has been one of the most vocal critics in Lahaina. Over the past two months, he and his followers have camped out in front of the municipal Veil Station, protesting the company’s continued solar extraction of 127.

“The sun is the heart of our solar system. It’s energy feeds the plants and those of us who are able to tap into our inner beings. The Icarus project has pierced our heart and is feeding like a parasite from this most vital cosmic organ. Like other sensitives, I felt an increase in my electromagnetic energy as soon as the project started. I must admit that at first I appreciated the upgrade in intuition and awareness that I received, but the intensity of that increase began to be problematic. I spend a good portion of my day now trying to slow down my absorption of the sun’s energy before it’s too late. I urge other enlightened souls to do the same. I know it can leave you exhausted, but until we convince Veilcorp to stop stabbing our heart, it’s our best option.”

Veilcorp spokesperson Lisa Hunt says that the Icarus project is a multinational endeavor and points out that the brightest minds from around the globe have deemed the project safe. “While the cause of the prominences observed on April 20 are uncertain, the science surrounding the safety of the Icarus Project is clear. There is not, and never has been, any indication that the solar extraction of 127 is dangerous: to the sun, to the planet, to plants and animals, or to people who pretend to have magical powers. Remember, Icarus simply harvests 127 that is naturally made in the corona and captures it before it decays into less interesting elements, it doesn’t increase production in any way. I suggest we all take a deep breath, stop believing everything we read on the internet, and let the scientists study this amazing solar event.”