STORYLINE

The Legend of “Down-the-Line” Don

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After the accident everyone was scared because the people who had made the rules weren’t around anymore. The survivors worried that everyone would just do what they wanted and nobody would want to have a society again. Because nobody was around to make them do the right things anymore, people started telling stories about how to act. Those stories are called parables and this is one of my favorite. “Down-the-Line” Don teaches you how easy it is to become greedy and how bad that can be.

Before everything broke Don worked for a tow truck company and he would spend his day taking other people’s cars and putting them in a special yard. If you wanted to get your car back, you’d have to pay Don money. Everyone thought that was OK because there used to be lots of rules about where you could put your car when you weren’t in it.

When the accident happened lots of people were scared and some didn’t know what to do, but Don did. He figured he needed to let people know that nothing on the island was working and people were hurt. Since nobody could make a call on their phones and the internet was broken he thought the best way to get help was to try the radio tower. He made an announcement but didn’t hear anything back. After waiting a long time he noticed some other people down at the bottom of the tower. He decided to go down and see who they were.

Because the radio tower is so tall it turned into a natural meeting place for lots of people looking for help. Don began to move some of the big trucks from his lot next to the tower and people began to live in them. Lots of the people who were living in his trucks were sick and had burns, luckily Don knew how to make medicine from sausage tree fruit. He started to plant some around the radio tower and the first one he planted is still there today.

Don spent lots of time taking apart the other cars in his lot and bringing back anything that was useful to the tower. Eventually he had piles and piles of useful things like batteries and wire and people would come every day for help. Don began to think about how many people wanted help and how unfair it was that he was doing lots of work for free.

He started making the people who lived in his trucks give him half their food or find another place to live. Instead of giving away the extra stuff to people who needed it, he started to charge or go through their packs to see if they had anything he wanted. If they didn’t have enough rai or something to trade Don would tell them, “You can pay me down the line.” Over time only a few people had enough food to live in his trucks and he would hold regular auctions for his items to make sure he got the most possible for them. It only got worse once he fixed the broken ziplines.

The ziplines made it possible to send food and medicine quickly to different areas without having to worry about bandits. But sending stuff down the line was expensive! Don started making people work for him to pay off their “down the line bills,” but it took a long time. Soon there were whole Kānaka villages that had to work for Don in order to pay for water and sausage tree medicine. He had more rai and stuff than anyone but he still wasn’t happy. Half the island was working for him but it wasn’t enough. He decided that he owned anything that was under the ziplines and sent out his guards to collect a toll from anyone who walked underneath.

People started to to get angry and talk about how greedy Don had become, but they needed his help so they had to pay what he wanted. Don could send almost anything down his lines that you needed as long as you were willing to give him what he wanted, and he wanted everything. Then Don went too far.

A nearby Kānaka village was attacked one day by night marchers. Lots of people were badly injured including the Chief’s children. The village’s fastest runners were sent to get medkits and have them sent down the lines. When they got to Don’s they had enough to trade for the kits but he wanted extra to let them use the ziplines. Knowing that they didn’t have much time, the runners begged and pleaded but they didn’t have anything Don wanted. By the time they ran back with the kits it was too late.

Word spread quickly about how Don wouldn’t let the runners use the ziplines and let people die. That night, a huge group showed up at the radio tower and a big battle began. There are lots of stories about what happened to Don in the end. Some say that they threw him off the tower, others say that he jumped. My favorite ending is that they took a koa axe and sent parts of Don down each of his ziplines to let everyone know that all their debts were paid. They say that some nights, if you listen closely, you can still hear his parts traveling up and down the lines trying to get rai from anyone beneath them. My mom says that I should know better than that, and I do, but my little brother Aukai doesn’t.

The story of Down-the-Line Don helps people remember how easy it is to become too greedy and what might happen to you if you do. It’s also really good for getting back at your little brother when he messes up your room.

Akamai Mahelona
4th Grade
Pu`u School Lahaina

STORYLINE

Researcher Claims “Therapeutic” Ziplining Can Dislodge Kidney Stones, Cure Other Maladies

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Researchers from the University of Maui Lahaina College claim they have discovered a novel therapy for curing patients suffering from the horrendous pain of kidney stones, taking a trip down a zipline. Dr. Jennifer Aluna, who lead the study, says that her findings demonstrate that the jostling and constant vibrations experienced while traveling down a zipline can effectively dislodge kidney stones in some patients.

It’s been famously said that, “It’s not the fall that kills you; it’s the sudden stop at the end.” However, Dr. Aluna says that a sudden stop could provide many with almost instant relief from the excruciating pain associated with a stuck kidney stone. Partnering with Bob Abramo’s Lahaina Zipline Tours, Aluna has just completed the first phase of a study exploring the therapeutic applications of ziplining.

“We’re building on work done over thirty years ago, and was ignored for some reason. It was shown back then that riding a roller coasters proved to be an effective way to dislodge stones stuck in a patient’s kidneys. Our research proved that it wasn’t necessarily the large fast drops that was providing the most relief, but rather the jostling and rhythmic vibrations that helped work blockages free.

We chose to work with The Lahaina Zipline Tours because of their technology. Their bidirectional lines and motorized trolleys made the modifications we needed to make for the study easy, and of course the location was nice. We couldn’t be more happy with the results! We’ve shown that a trip down the modified line is just as effective as more invasive treatments, and much cheaper than more popular methods such as ultrasound. In addition, we’ve shown that regular therapeutic ziplining can reduce the chance of future blockages. Our next phase will look into other medical applications such as relieving gallstone attacks, joint and muscle therapy, and the alleviation of migraines.”

The idea that an exceptionally bumpy zipline ride could be the cure to a number of common maladies may seem strange to most, and according to director of the Lahaina Medical Center Dr. Dalia Forsythe, it should. “I’ve seen and heard a lot of strange home remedies in my day, most involving SSHAM, but this is a new one to me. From what I can tell from the study, all Dr. Aluna has shown is that jostling can help dislodge a kidney stone in some patients. I’m not sure what the ziplines have to do with it. It seems to me any of these patients would experience the same level of relief from sitting on top of a washing machine, or riding down a washboarded road. I wouldn’t be so concerned if it weren’t for this talk about gall bladder treatments and physical therapy applications. A stuck gall stone can lead to potentially deadly pancreatitis, a patient who has just gone through a joint replacement could do permanent harm by being tossed around midair. To be honest, I’m concerned about the wellbeing of the subjects in this study.”

Bob Abramo, owner of the Lahaina Zipline Tours, says he believes in Dr. Alunas work, but is not surprised about some of the reactions the study has garnered. “Anytime you bring a new dish to the table you’re going to have a few people turn up their nose, but that doesn’t mean what you’ve made isn’t delicious,” he says.

Abramo says that the success of his Medimeat business, providing patients with the finest free-range organic medial tissues, has been a huge inspiration. He says he was initially skeptical about working with anyone from the university, but after their first meeting, he was eager to allow his business to take part.

“Working with Aluna was as delightful as a free appetizer, we hit it off right away. I was skeptical about how much work we’d need to make to our trolleys, after all you should never change a good recipe, but it turned out to be easy as pie. All we needed to do is take a file to a few bearings so it rattled around a little more than usual, and boom! Science was served. We’re working on special custom mouthpieces to help people suffering from toothaches too. Why pay a dentist to pull a tooth, when we can numb you up and rattle the offending tooth out of your head?

I love the idea of repurposing things, whether it be in the kitchen or strapping into a harness and letting a rumbling zipline strengthen a freshly replaced knee joint. We hope to offer these therapeutic rides to the general public in the near future, and I’m considering converting some of my condos into pop-up private surgical centers for those in need of quick discreet procedures. When it comes to Maui Medicine it’s a whole new day, and you better believe Bob Abramo will be sitting at the head of the breakfast table.“

STORYLINE

Announcing The Lahaina Zipline Tours Big Reopening

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For almost 18 years The Lahaina Zipline Tours was one of the most popular attractions on the island for both residents and tourists. Our 4 lines offered a unique view of parts of downtown, the beach, and Lahaina’s beautiful wild places. Over 150,000 people took a scenic trip down our lines in 2047 before hurricane Neki put an end to the rides and devastated much of the island.

Like many other hotspots, we’ve been busy rebuilding and we’re almost ready to show off our new tours. Things are about to get bigger and better at The Lahaina Zipline Tours thanks to our new owner, Big Bob Abramo. He’s already well known for his award winning chop house, but his vision for the ziplines will amaze you. We’re announcing our grand reopening next Friday, july 10th. Come on down, and see our expanded lines and learn about our unique new offerings sure to be big fun for the whole family.

Bob doesn’t believe that our liners should have to rely on gravity alone so we’ve completely upgraded our technology. Our all new bidirectional lines and motorized trolleys allow guests to slow things down to get a good look at the world below, or break free from the limits of traditional ziplining. Guests can experience speeds of up to 70 mph on a number of our longer runs. (Goggles can be purchased at the gift shop.)

We have expanded the reach of our original lines as well. Now you can pass over nearly all of Lahaina. Take a romantic zip down the beach or get your adrenaline flowing by passing over an active lava field. Stop using your legs like a sucker and let us do all the work. Big Bob’s web of lines offers zip lovers miles of fun and a complete view of the area without the drudgery and hassle of walking. Our new automated quick exchange system lets you quickly move from run to run without ever having to touch the ground. Our entire loop offers almost an hour of zipping fun. While these technical upgrades are exciting enough, it’s our big new programs that will have everyone talking.

Take a direct line to dinner with our express run to the Abramo Chop House. Whether you’re picking out an animal to eat for an upcoming birthday, or just want to take a big bite from something off the grill, the Chop House has something to appease even the most voracious appetite. Check out 10 feet of the world’s best pork on our famous Long Pig Buffet, or enjoy one of our delicious bacon infused cocktails. Our menu is all organic and is specially designed to accommodate a wide variety of carnivorous tastes. We strive to use locally-raised organic meats as much as possible.

You’ve flown like the birds and now it’s time to sing like them with Big Bob’s nightly karaoke. When the sun goes down our ziplines glow purple and the magic begins. Our host Bouncing Brandi keeps the music and fun going nightly until 4am. Use your ceremplant to join one of our public networks or pay a little extra for your own private virtual room. Let your voice be carried on the wind or belt out a power ballad to everyone below.

Our big collection includes close to 500,000 songs in 6 different languages, so if we don’t have it, it’s not worth singing. In addition, all of our midnight crooners have a chance to broadcast their performances thanks to our partnership with Glimpsea. Take advantage of their nanocam technology to show your family, friends, and anyone in the broadcast area what they’re missing. Due to a request from the Lahaina police department, we encourage our guests to refrain from loud singing after midnight when passing over residential areas.

If you liked it before, you’ll love it now. Nobody knows the sweet taste of recreation like Big Bob Abramo. With the grand opening a little over a week away, spots are going to fill up fast so make your reservations today. Go big and go to the new home of island fun: The Lahaina Zipline Tours.

STORYLINE

Chop House’s Customer Assistant AI a Hit With Tourists

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It seems like every business is using AI for customer interactions these days, from the SSHAM customer service hotline, to the automated city hall kiosks, if you need help, chances are you’ll talk to a machine. Now, one recently released AI assistant, from an unlikely business, is stirring things up in Lahaina. I am speaking of course of CRAIG, the Abramo Chop House’s customer appreciation helper. The AI has become a huge success with tourists, and a thorn in the side of many local business owners.

The Customer Resource Artificial Intelligent Guide (CRAIG) app has only been available a few weeks, but has already become hugely popular, particularly with tourists lucky enough to get a reservation at the Abramo Chop House. Accessible only to customers of the restaurant, CRAIG acts as a tour guide and concierge, booking appointments, giving directions and answering questions about Lahaina. However, it’s the way that CRAIG helps, and the AI’s attitude that has many area business owners upset.

“With over 30 years of experience as a business owner, and a seat on the Lahaina City Council, nobody knows Lahaina like Bob Abramo. Nobody until now,” says Brandi Essen, Operations Manager of Abramo Holdings LLC. “CRAIG uses all of Bob’s knowledge of the area to: help answer any questions you have, book tours and shows, and act as a guide to West Maui. Our customer service doesn’t end when you leave one of our tables. We want to help our most loyal customers with day to day tasks, and make sure you have a great time if you’re visiting the island. Using CRAIG is like having a personal hotline to Bob Abramo himself, that is open 24/7 for whatever you need.”

While Ms. Essen and tourists may sing the praises of CRAIG, many local business owners have had a different experience. Many complain that communicating with the AI is an extremely unpleasant experience, and that CRAIG focuses on Abramo businesses and Abramo business partners, almost to the exclusion of all others. Ralph Umeke, owner of the popular Hula Noodle restaurant says, “The damn thing is almost as rude as its bloated creator. It’s to the point where I’ve started to screen tourists for the app, and kick out the ones who have it. I won’t allow that kind of negativity in the shop while people are trying to enjoy their food.”

Several other business owners, who wished to remain anonymous, share a similar view of CRAIG. They say that the AI is overbearing and condescending in its communications, and often lies about the price of merchandise, and operating hours of companies not associated with Mr. Abramo. Numerous complaints have been filed with the Better Business Bureau, and the mayor’s office, but CRAIG opponents say they are not hopeful that anything will change soon.

Leading up to this story, I had my own personal experience when the AI called to “talk over some concerns” it had about me, and this report. CRAIG had compiled a list of every story I had written that had clarifications or corrections, and grilled me about whether or not “the news thing” was really right for me. It had gone through all my social networks, and asked if I was a vegetarian, informing me that it didn’t talk to anyone with “radical or misinformed nutritional beliefs.” In addition, Craig advised me that I shouldn’t wear so many green garments in public, because “green is a terrible color” for a woman of my “age and complexion”.

While it may not be the favorite of the Lahaina business community, and I found the AI to be impolite at the very least, there is no doubt that it has been a hit with tourists. Bret and Spring Casey say they first visited Lahaina last Fall, and had a good time, but this year’s visit has been great thanks to CRAIG. According to Spring,

“CRAIG has been amazing. He told us the location of the nearest public Manimal ATV, and reserved it for us after we were exhausted from a long walk in the preservation zone. It got us upgraded to Splash Row at the Aloha Shores Dolphin Show at no charge, and threatened the kid working the concession booth, after he “accidentally” gave me back the wrong change. We almost called for a Hailoha when we got up the next morning, until CRAIG told us how dangerous they can be, and how poorly vetted their drivers are. CRAIG got so mad when I asked about taking a horseback tour to see the island, that I almost had to shut off the app. Luckily, we took his advice, and booked an afternoon with the Lahaina Zipline Tours instead, narrowly avoiding disaster. I can’t begin to tell you how great CRAIG made our trip. It’s like having a little Big Bob watching out for you, and yelling at anyone who makes a mistake.”

STORYLINE

Review of Veil of Terror: A Bride’s Nightmare

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Veil of Terror: A Bride’s Nightmare, is the first movie made by Layla Kalani’s production company and marks the actorial debut of the surfing champion. Following in the footsteps of many other celebrities, Layla has decided to dip her toes in the movie-making waters. Unfortunately for her, it is a complete wipe out. More adept at wrestling sharks than convincingly expressing an emotion, Layla has created a film that no parent would want to give away.

I have little doubt that Veil of Terror will become successful but not for the reasons its backers hope. For generations to come, this movie will be watched by people trying to prove their patience and resolve. One can only assume that the film began as a dare that nobody had the sense to decline. The story unfolds like a collection of fever dreams, and the acting is valiant but flat. The decision to shoot the entire movie with handheld cameras to give it an “authentic” look, makes the whole affair feel like a shotgun wedding.

I normally try to avoid giving spoilers during a review, but the idea that anything I could say would “spoil” this summer stinker is ridiculous. Some of you are undoubtedly thinking that I am being overly critical and unfair to Ms. Kalani. Surely, it couldn’t be any worse than the normal straight to streaming fare offered during peak movie months. That’s where you’re wrong. Let me try and explain what you’re in for should you choose to pay for Veil. Spoliers ahead!

Layla plays the lead character, a marine biologist and surfing enthusiast named Brandy Boudreau. Brandy spends long portions of her day staring silently out at the ocean. What she is thinking, if anything at all, is anyone’s guess. Her high school sweetheart Luis Laraoux, played by Mitch Carson, works in environmental clean-up. He specializes in cleaning oil off birds. When he doesn’t have the look of a pet that knows he’s made a mess in the house and is waiting to be scolded, Luis spends his time scrubbing pelicans and lamenting the decline of oil spills. Seriously!

You see, Laraoux comes from a long line of bird cleaners. His father washed off wildlife as did his father’s father. The world is changing for Luis and he doesn’t like it. In addition to the world, his relationship is in flux as well. Brandy doesn’t think that the technological advances that are putting her boyfriend out of business are a bad thing. In fact, she transports endangered turtles to remote locations across the globe with veil technology and is something of an expert in it (a plot point that will become important later in the movie.)

The increasingly agitated Luis and the staring obsessed Brandy begin to drift apart. Eventually she decides to leave Louisiana and Luis himself. The next 30 mins are a collection of unlikely chase scenarios. Brandy veils with her research to numerous locals to avoid him, only to find that Luis has followed her, and she must run away. He chases her in cars, on foot, on bicycles, along the beach, in the water, through all manner of stores, and finally straight into a police station, where he is arrested. Carson does an admirable job of trying to carry this gigantic mess across the threshold of decency during these segments but is unable to preserve his honor.

Fast forward 5 years and we find ourselves in Lahaina. We see Brandy running towards a man on the beach and jumping into his arms. When he lifts her off the ground and spins we see it is Luis but with facial hair. While you’re still scratching your head, it is revealed that this isn’t Luis after all, but her fiancee Tim. He only looks like Luis. He looks like Luis because he is played by the same actor, Mitch Carson. I can’t begin to understand the decision behind casting the same actor to play both male leads. I considered for a moment that it served as some sort of story telling device or allegory that was simply beyond my understanding, but there is so much about this movie that I don’t understand, that I gave up.

A number of improbable events occur leading up to Brandy’s wedding, including a new neighbor moving next door who happens to look like Luis with dreadlocks. At this point there was an audible groan in the theater. As you may have already guessed the guy turns out to be her stalker ex with different hair. For someone who spends so much time in the movie silently staring at things, Brandy’s facial recognition skills are exceedingly poor.

A number of creepy or inappropriate interactions between the new neighbor and Brandy take place, including the discovery of an old picture of her in Louisiana. She never quite seems to recognize Louis underneath his corded hair though. Much to the joy of everyone who has sat through the previous 90 minutes, Brandy’s wedding day finally arrives. Luis reveals to her what has been painfully obvious to everyone and attempts to kidnap her.

Another long chase sequence ensues. This time the audience is treated to a run through some of Lahaina’s most recognizable spots including an almost 3 minute long zipline scene. I don’t think I have the language to properly describe the thrill of watching 100 nauseating seconds of straight line, harnessed pursuit. You might ask yourself why in the world someone would take the time to get into a harness if they are running for their lives, but that is only because you didn’t write Veil of Terror.

The movie mercifully ends at just under 2 hours after Brandy tricks Luis and sends him through the veil after doing something to his DNA profile. What comes out the other end is a perfect metaphor for the movie. Watching a sports legend being chased around in a wedding dress was more painful than sitting through a drunk uncle’s toast about how attractive a new bride is. Veil of Terror is a bouquet of bad writing, feckless acting, and poor decisions that nobody would want to catch.

STORYLINE

We should cut the ziplines and our losses

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Like many of you I was indifferent to the idea of running ziplines from the radio tower to key spots downtown. On one hand I thought it would reduce the number of lost ecotourists wandering through the neighborhood, on the other hand there were a bunch of meetings that my wife insisted we attend. I consider my time valuable so I was not looking forward to the meetings but figured that the nut who railed against the tower because it would increase swearing would show up and I’d get a laugh. But I’m not laughing now. After everything I’ve been through and seen, I’m beginning to think that the wacko had it right all along. The zipline experiment has failed and we need to take them down before it’s too late.

Like the local weirdo, my first concern is with language. I’m the kind of guy who tries really hard not to care about anything. Getting worked up about issues that you can’t change yourself is a drain. I try not to get too excited about things, but the amount of flying f*$ks given off by these zipliners is astounding. I would estimate that a f-bomb is dropped within earshot of my home every 15 minutes. I have impressionable children. If they are going to be exposed to that kind of language I want it to be from me, not some stranger flying through the sky above their home like a foul-mouthed Santa.

Next we have the safety issues. The company running the lines clearly doesn’t care about safety. From what I can tell, customers are often drunk when using their service. The lines have been up less than a month and we’ve already had 2 instances of people getting stuck. If I’m working on the car while trying to listen to the game, the last thing I need is a screaming tourist stuck 40 feet above my house. It’s not just terrified tourists going down the lines either. I’ve seen coolers, pets, and even a baby strapped into a car seat go flying through the air. At any given time the sky above my neighborhood looks like a cross between a Vegas acrobat show and a swap meet.

Even with all of those problems I thought I could abide the daily idiot air show. There was an incident last week that changed my mind however. I can tolerate bottles and wrappers falling like a filthy rain but not what landed on my car on my way home.

I am the proud owner of a Mustang Shelby GT350. Her name is Ivy. I love her. With 526 hp, 429 lb-ft of torque, and custom green paint, Ivy sets me apart from other men. I love my kids. I really do, but they aren’t remarkable in any way so far. They do alright in school but just alright. I’m probably going to have to pay for their college without any help from scholarships. Neither one is especially athletic or good looking so a job as a Manimal spokesperson is out the window. No, they’re just your run-of-the-mill ordinary kids and I’m OK with that. Ivy is different. When you have a car like that people know that you’re the kind of guy who’s willing to put time into something. Maintaining a car as special as Ivy this close to the ocean is hard work. All kids need is access to food and an occasional hug. Ivy is special and I’m very protective of her.

I was driving home along my normal route, being careful to avoid any debris in the road, just like I always do, when I noticed a zipliner coming my way. I could hear her screams over Ivy’s purr and her face was frozen in terror. Then I watched something drop and arc my way in the wind. I couldn’t figure out what it was at first. It hit the windshield and my mind scrambled to come up with a scenario that wasn’t so horrific, but I had to accept what just happened. The tourist was so scared that she lost control of her bodily functions, and now it was all over Ivy. By the time I got home my finger was numb from pressing the washer fluid button. It took 2 hours of meticulous washing and waxing before Ivy was no longer befouled but I’m not sure she’ll ever be clean again. I double bagged and threw away her wipers.

I want to believe that I’ll be able to look at her one day and not relive the incident, but it’s just too hard right now. I can’t unring that bell. She’s sat covered in the garage all week. I’ve been taking the bus to work. As long as those lines are still up I can’t chance it. Let’s take them down now before others have to feel the pain of having a stranger literally shit all over the thing they hold most dear.

Concerned Citizen,
Scott Stonegate