STORYLINE

Consumer Group Sues for Testing of SSHAM’s New Product Line

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A little over a month after SSHAM launched its new “Regional Flavors” line with such eyebrow raising flavors as goat infused SSHOAT, and the duck based SSHUCK, a consumer advocacy group has sued to stop distribution of the new products until DNA testing can be done. The watchdog group, “Truth in Labeling” says that over 50% of the samples they have tested do not contain any trace of the animals listed on the packaging. They are seeking an injunction forcing SSHAM to halt production until thorough genetic testing is complete. The Hawaii Department of Health has launched its own investigation into the matter. A SSHAM spokesperson says the company is cooperating fully with authorities, and stands behind the authenticity and flavor of their products.

Many SSHAM lovers were surprised by the sheer amount of new flavors launched last month, and while many were skeptical about their palatability, Truth in Labeling had much more serious concerns. A statement released by the group reads in part, “…..Unfortunately they [SSHAM] have chosen to cut corners, and knowingly use less expensive meats in at least half of the products tested. Customers were told to “Say shalom to SSHLOX in the morning!” However, instead of brined salmon, DNA testing shows that many were eating either carp or shad. We can think of no reasonable series of events in which one of the most prized and expensive freshwater fishes could be mistakenly replaced with species often considered “junk.” We believe SSHAM has intentionally mislabeled their products in an attempt to dupe the public and increase profits. We hope the court agrees, and we applaud the Hawaii Department of Health for their proactive measures.”

Betsy Kaukau, an investigator for the Department of Health, says that food oversight has made great strides when it comes to fresh items, but mislabeling of canned products happens more than most people think. She says the department is currently testing cans purchased at a number of stores from all over Hawaii, as well as samples of the new products confiscated at the factory in Lahaina. Kaukau warns about the dangers of mislabeled food, and claims that consumers need more protections.

“Back in the 2010’s mislabeled fish was a huge problem in the industry. Studies showed that fish was being mislabeled in stores by as much as 87%. One study that looked at 120 red snapper fillets found that only 7 of those fillets were actually red snapper. Thankfully laws were passed and we now routinely DNA test fish in stores and restaurants to make sure consumers are getting what they are paying for. While we’ve almost eliminated counterfeit fish and other fresh items, we dropped the ball on canned and processed food. In my opinion mislabeled food is the single biggest threat we are facing as a society. The lies these companies tell erode away consumer confidence, and can have serious effects on people with allergies and special dietary needs, whether they be medical or religious. It seems like SSHAM is going around slapping a couple of S’s in front of foods, and putting whatever they want in a can, despite the laws put in place to prevent such actions. People worry about war, crime, or the lasting effects of 127, but what they should really be scared of is the ticking time bomb of canned lies waiting to be opened in their cupboards.”

SSHAM denies the allegations and has hired its own independent testing company to sample the entire product line. The controversy comes at a bad time for the company. It was announced just days ago that it was a sponsor of this years upcoming Oktoberfest in Munich, where they planned to unveil their SSHAM infused spatzle, SSHATZLE, to the hungry crowds. “Consumers can count on our products to have accurate labeling, and the shrimpy, salted taste they’ve come to love,” SSHAM says in their response to the lawsuit.

While many have found the allegations shocking, some diehard fans have come to the company’s defense. One such SSHAM fan is John Driscol. The Lahaina native says that the findings were probably a mix-up and that nobody could taste the difference anyway.

“I really like SSHAM. It’s easy to cook in all sorts of ways and comes in it’s own container so there’s no dishes, but let’s be honest. I’ve tried some of the new flavors and they pretty much all taste just like regular SSHAM, really salty processed meat with a slightly fishy finish. They may be slightly different colors or have slightly different textures, but it’s all just ground up meat slurry. Maybe one in a million could tell the difference, but most people wouldn’t be able to tell the difference between SSHOAT or SSHAM First Pressing Reserve. It’s like that Bob’s Best Burger blend you can buy at Big Bites stores. It’s supposed to make the best burgers you’ve ever had, but it’s almost $7 a pound. There’s no way I’m paying that crook Abramo that much for burger. I just saved some stickers and put it on the burger when we have cookouts. Nobody has ever been able to tell the difference. The same is true for these new flavors. There’s nothing bad for you in it, besides the extraordinary amounts of sodium and nitrates I mean. Meat’s all the same once its been blended into a slurry with salt and spices. These people need to relax and not worry so much about what’s in the processed meat product they’re eating.”

STORYLINE

SSHAM Announces New “Regional Flavors” Product Line

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There’s no doubt that Lahaina’s favorite canned meat product has come a long way since Art Pua’a blended up that first loaf in his kitchen almost two decades ago. Hawaiian’s love of SSHAM is famous, and helped the company expand to the mainland, where it has become a guilty pleasure for thousands living on the West Coast. But what if the company’s famous shrimpy-ham flavor was replaced with shrimpy-goat or shrimpy-duck? Would consumers really go for SSHOAT or SSHUCK? The company is banking they will, and is set to launch a new line of SSHAM designed to cater to specific tastes and regions of the U.S. as well as the international market.

Whether you have a slice with your coffee in the morning, or diced in your noodles later in the day, if you live on Maui, chances are you’re going to eat SSHAM today. A recent survey showed that over 50% of Maui natives eat SSHAM at least once a day. According to SSHAM creator and CEO Art Pua’a that sort of brand loyalty is no accident. The company’s success comes down to listening to his customers and focusing on the familiar flavors of the island, Art claims, and now he plans on doing the same in a number of regional markets.

“We’re really building on the massive success of Pineapple SSHAM,” he says. “We learned a lot about the draw of familiar flavors to consumers. There are just certain things you expect to eat when visiting specific locations. Some foods and proteins are a part of an area’s culinary DNA. We’ve identified over 30 of these areas, both on the mainland and internationally, where we feel we can take advantage of non-traditional meats and tastes. You’ll hear the herds of bison thundering in your belly when you taste a chunk of SSHISON in the Great Plains, consumers in North Africa will be anything but gruff when they open a can of SSHOAT, and our Chinese friends will be quaking with delight with every slice of SSHUCK. By providing customers with the flavors they grew up with, elevated by the amazing taste of SSHAM, we hope to make our canned meat products a staple across the globe.”

While goat flavored SSHAM may sound strange to many, Pua’a’s plans are not that unusual. Many restaurants and grocery chains offer special regional menus and products in different areas and countries. Industry insiders say the expansion could be huge for the company if their products are well received. If SSHAM can gain a customer base internationally as loyal as it is in Hawaii, it could be a game changer for Pua’a and his employees.

Despite Pua’a’s exuberance, not everyone is sold on the idea of using regionally specific proteins. Creature Comfort Animal Sanctuary Director, and the man behind Lahaina’s park cleaning squirrel crews Brandon Kama worries about the animals planned to be part of the new line of products.

“I think SSHAM needs to be very careful with a few of it’s planned products. Conservation laws and practices can vary greatly in other countries, and they all don’t take sustainability as seriously as we do. Some of the flavors I’ve seen make my stomach churn, not because of their questionable palatability, but because of the undue pressure on populations that stuffing some of these animals into a can of SSHAM could cause. Take their planned whale infused product, WHAM, for example. The international community has clearly said that whaling is cruel and inhumane. Yet Art seems happy to grind up whale meat and put it in a can if he thinks there’s a market. The misplaced sea otter pod that has taken up residence in Oneloa Bay is thriving. What if someone decided their meat was delicious? Would we see cans of SSHOTTER on the shelves? I feel that the company should slow down and learn more about these animals and their populations before grinding them up.”

Some islanders have more unique concerns about the new SSHAM products revolving around the urban legend of the shrig. Glimpsea and YouTube personality Randy Wilcox has publicly questioned the expansion over concerns of new animal hybrids being created and possibly escaping.

“Shrigs are real and they’re no joke! My brother and his wife broke into the factory a few years ago looking for the shrimp-pig hybrids that SSHAM created to save money. Nothing happened to him, but my sister-in-law got bit by one when they were trying to sneak back out. She didn’t get a good look at it, but she saw a doctor and got pictures of the wound on her backside. One of them escaped and broke into a Big Bites store less than a month ago. Now imagine how much damage an armored lion, tiger, or bear could do? Oh my is right! You can’t turn back time on an angry Shear. I think someone in the government needs to take a good luck at what they’re making in that factory before it’s too late.”

STORYLINE

Plant-Based SSHAM Receives Mixed Reviews In Lahaina

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The processed meat world was turned on its ear this week when SSHAM introduced its first completely plant-based formula, SSHANT. Despite rumors that the bright green loaf was a St. Patrick’s Day stunt, it appears the algae-based flavor is here to stay. While some are calling it the worst vegan-friendly food on the market, SSHAM fans are hailing the new variety as a great meal-time option. The company claims that SSHANT is “…a big first step in food sustainability and tastier plant-based mealtime options.”

SSHAM is probably the last thing on the average person’s mind when they’re planning a meatless Monday menu, but SSHAM CEO Art Pua’a hopes to change expectations. With an estimated 12 million Hawaiians eating at least one vegan meal a week Pua’a is hoping to break into the growing plant-based food market. SSHANT is the company’s first vegan variety and has been an unexpected hit with Lahaina consumers.

“It’s all about sustainability and locally sourced ingredients,” says Pua’a. On the heels of its “regional flavors” product line that saw such varieties as Pineapple SSHAM and the goat-based SSHOAT, the company is betting that SSHANT will be the cornerstone to a whole new group of eco-friendly products.

He says, “Trying to balance feeding a larger population while ensuring minimal environmental impact is a growing concern for us. How our food is produced and what types of food we’re eating can have a significant effect on the planet. Our goal is to have a can of SSHAM in every pantry around the world, and the only way we can do that is with SSHANT. Our revolutionary drying and pressing process combined with locally grown algae from Ananas Farms has allowed us to create the best tasting most sustainable plant-based food the world has ever seen. The future of canned food is SSHANT and we’re more than happy to give everyone a taste of what’s to come.”

Chef Craig Hoomaau, however, disagrees with the SSHAM CEO. The transpersonal plating instructor at the Kokua Wellness Center says that SSHANT is the worst vegan food he has ever come across calling it a “disaster in a can.”

“This wolf in plant’s clothing is devoid of all the things that make a plant-based diet healthy. The pure solar energy that fills most vegan foods is eclipsed in SSHANT with sodium, fillers, and artificial flavors. It is full of sugar, highly processed, and quite frankly has the consistency of hard gelatin. Obesity, heart disease, and diabetes are a huge public health concern that can be combated with a healthy plant-based diet and regular tonal cleansing. Instead of promoting cellular harmony, SSHANT will throw your immune system into chaos. This is not the beginning of a food revolution. The only thing revolutionary about SSHANT is how few nutrients make it through the canning process. I can’t warn the public strongly enough to stay away from this misleading and misguided product.”

One look at the nutritional information on the can does show that SSHANT is incredibly high in fat, sodium, and sugar for a product many consider a “health food”, but SSHAM fans don’t seem to mind. In fact, some consider it a selling point. Streamer and Lahaina resident Randy Wilcox says he likes that SSHANT doesn’t try to change the things that make SSHAM great.

“People don’t eat SSHAM because of how healthy it is. They eat it because it tastes great. SSHANT tastes so much like regular SSHAM that I couldn’t believe it. Like many Hawaiians, I’ve thought about making more plant-based food choices but I didn’t want to be associated with the kind of people who are always talking about how awesome not eating meat is. I mean nobody wants to be the dude who brings the kale salad to the Luau.

I understand that eating more plants and fewer animals might be better for the environment, but who wants to live in a world like that. Sheep are great but I don’t want to become one. Until I found SSHANT I never knew that eating vegan could be cool. I don’t worry at all what my friends will say if I show up someplace with my teeth stained green.

I work better on a high nitrate and sodium diet. It may be a little too gelatinous for my liking but the taste more than makes up for the texture. There aren’t a bunch of added vitamins and minerals to screw up the flavor, just a natural blend of algae, preservatives, and flavored binders. It tastes like science and the sea, not a handful of leaves. SSHANT is vegan food for people who don’t want to be vegans.”

STORYLINE

15th Annual SSHAM Fest: A Day of Spicy-Salted-Goodness

Hawaii’s celebration of its favorite processed meat product turns 15 this year and just like SSHAM, it has only gotten better with age. Every year people from around the globe come to celebrate what started as an accident in the kitchen of Art Pua’a, and has turned into a food revolution. Front Street will be closed to traffic this Saturday and downtown will belong to lovers of “The meat of 1,000 uses.”

Top restaurants and a number of Hawaiian retailers will be on-hand to offer a variety of SSHAM related products and food. Two stages with free entertainment, and numerous special events throughout the day will keep everyone entertained. Last year, an estimated 65,000 people shared their love of shrimped-spiced-ham. There are no admission charges and the entertainment is free. A portion of all other proceeds will go to the Lahaina Watershed Alliance. The LWA works with private landowners around the preservation zone to extend protected areas and ensure clean clean water for residents, farms, and businesses. If it’s your first time or your 15th, we hope you come down and enjoy what local residents and visitors alike have made an annual tradition.

SSHAM Fest starts at 8am and ends with the lighted drone show over Lahaina Harbor at 11pm. Throughout the day, vendors will offer a variety of unique arts and crafts including: SSHAM soap, candles, cosmetics, and natural health/beauty products. Our SSHAM Slam stage offers local poets, musicians, and artists a chance to express their love of our canned meat and is open all day. “SSHAM stories are your stories,” and our Stories Stage is open to the public so you can tell the world what SSHAM means to you.

Ride around in style by renting one of Ano Lee’s SSHAM powered bikes, or just stop by to see how SSHAM might be the fuel of the future. Don’t worry about your camera. You can follow all the action and preserve every memory thanks to our SSHAM Cam sponsored by Glimpsea. There are a number of planned events throughout the day as well. This year’s schedule is as follows:

10:00am – Shrig Calling Contest: Art may say they don’t exist, but the rumors of shrimp-pig hybrids seems to persist. You can’t have a SSHAM celebration without its main ingredient. We don’t care if you snort, squeal, howl or gurgle just do it loud enough to entertain the crowd and judges.

12:00am – Sculpture contest: Competitors have all morning to carve, cut, mold, and sear a 90 pound block of SSHAM for our judge’s discerning eye. You won’t believe how life-like and intricate their works can be. All sculptures are donated to the Maui food bank at the end of the day.

2:00pm – Awarding of the SSHAM Can: Perhaps the most prestigious culinary prize in Hawaii, the SSHAM Can goes to the creator of the best SSHAM dish on the island. So far, that dish has always been Ralph Umeke’s SSHAM pho. He wants to add a 15th Can to his collection, but he has some stiff competition from the big island this year. Make sure and see if Uncle Ralph can extend his reign as the SSHAM cooking king.

4:00pm – SSHAM Eating Competition: After watching the culinary talents of some of the world’s best chefs, why not take a break and watch a group of the crazy-brave engulf SSHAM at a gut-busting speed. Will anyone beat Big Bob Abramo’s 13 can record? Stop by and see or enter the competition yourself and find out how many cans your stomach can stand.

6:00pm – Winner of SSHAM Science Fair Announced: Sponsored by Veilcorp, the science fair has become a highlight of the festival. With the help of their Veilcorp mentors, what these kids can create with SSHAM and some imagination is amazing. The company funds the top 5 projects every year, and provides scholarships to contestants to help cultivate the next generation of innovators. Previous winners include a cheap and consumable water filtration system, and a topical treatment that repels mosquitoes and other biting insects for 90 days.

Whether you want to see one of the competitions or just spend a day enjoying the sights and sounds, the festival is family-friendly and great for all ages. Don’t miss helping us celebrate 15 years of SSHAM love!

STORYLINE

Addressing the Fallout From Mr. Sprinkles’ Visit

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Good morning Mr. Pua’a. Let me start out by expressing my regret about the tone of our interactions over the past few months. I take my job here at SSHAM very seriously and I’m proud to run the breeding and nursing facility. I agree with your vision of the future and the important part that the shrigs have to play. I understand how much money the company has put into their development, I consider protecting their well-being to be my primary goal. That’s why I was so shocked that you had decided to give Mr. Abramo and his daughter Mrs. Essen a tour of the facility. Given the secret nature of our work here it seemed a strange move. When I saw that his daughter had brought her pet pig, I had to speak up. I apologize about our exchange in front of them, but I felt strongly at the time that the introduction of another animal would have an impact on the shrig’s egg-laying cycle. Now it appears I was right, but not in the way I had expected.

I believe Building S is the most advanced animal husbandry facility in the world and I’m very proud of it. When I started working here we had one crazy idea: combine a shrimp and a pig to create an animal that would have little environmental impact and would be easy to raise anywhere there was access to water. Today we have a thriving population of shrigs. Unfortunately, because of the nature of their existence and the public’s opinion on genetically modified foods, we have to ensure the secrecy of the program. I did not understand why you would allow strangers and another animal in without giving us a warning, or discussing it with me first.

Of course, I had heard of Mr. Sprinkles before. I had watched him in the news visiting the hospital on Molokai, helping to raise the spirits of patients there. I even vaguely remembered that Mr. Abramo’s daughter had become his owner and had used him as the ring bearer in her wedding. What I wasn’t prepared for was just how shiny he was in real life and his energy level. He was like living glitter and was zipping around everywhere making me concerned about the shrig’s reaction.

I tried to personally keep an eye on him, but Mr. Abramo’s passion for what we are doing here sucked me in. We must have been discussing the shrig life-cycle for almost an hour when I heard the squeals, shrieks, and a horrible sloshing sound coming from the main holding area.

I thought that my concerns had come true and I’d find bits of sparkly skin stuck in the slots of the fencing where the shrigs had pulled Sprinkles through. Instead, I found that the little pig had somehow lept the fence and was running about the pen while the shrigs squealed. It looked like they were playing. Brandi apologized and some of our technicians removed Sprinkles, but it was clear to everyone that it was time to go. We scrubbed the fencing and quarantined the animals Sprinkles had contact with, just in case he had brought in a pathogen but all seemed well. 94 days later we learned that Sprinkles wasn’t just playing in that pen.

The first hatchling with an iridescent pattern was brought to me immediately. By the end of the day, we had 23 shimmering little shrigs, all from sows that had been in the pen where we found Mr. Sprinkles. By the end of the week, the number had grown to 54. They averaged 15% smaller than the usual shriglet and didn’t seem to be able to filter feed like a purebred of their kind. All I could think of was the millions of dollars wasted and whether or not the mothers would still be viable since their breeding has been so difficult for us. While the little things were beautiful to look at, we’re creating food for the future here, not boutique pets. Then it occurred to me. We had 54 hatchlings from 7 mothers. Even though they were a bit smaller, that was an incredible insemination rate. He may be small and glossy, but that little pig is packing something powerful.

I think it would be in our best interest if you reached out to Mr. Abramo and Mrs. Essen to discuss the possibility of using Mr. Sprinkles’ services again. Of course this time we would conduct the coupling in a more controlled environment. We need to determine if there is something special physically that he is doing, or if his amazing fertility is a result of his extensive genetic manipulation. I have no idea what an appropriate stud fee would be since obviously, this is a unique case. Perhaps Mr. Abramo would be amenable to signing a confidentiality agreement and we could provide him with one of our older nonbreeding sows. Clackers hasn’t laid a viable clutch in months, so losing her wouldn’t be a major loss to the program. Everyone knows how obsessed he is with eating, the man created a museum dedicated to meat after all. I think if he discovers how delicious shrig shumai is, we should have no problem setting up an arrangement. Judging from the noises coming from the pen that day, I don’t think Mr. Sprinkles would complain either.

STORYLINE

Water Treatment Plant Implements New Purification Process Using SSHAM and Electricity

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Lahaina customers woke up this morning to news that their water will be disinfected using a eyebrow raising new treatment system. The county Department of Water Supply announced that they would be replacing chlorine gas, with SSHAM and electricity to make water safe for the public. Officials say the new process is just as safe as the previous method, but is cheaper and better for the environment. If all goes as planned, the department will be retrofitting the new water treatment system in its seven other surface water treatment facilities across Maui.

The new process takes advantage of SSHAM’s unique texture which acts as a natural filter, emulsifier, and enjoys some interesting anti-bacterial properties. After an initial run which cleanses the water of large particulates, electricity is added combining with the salt in Hawaii’s favorite meat product, making a hypochlorite solution, similar to household bleach. This solution is much safer to store, and for plant staff to handle. The department says the new treatment system meets all state and federal drinking water quality and safety requirements.

Mayor Cravalho hails the new system as a shining example of Hawaiian ingenuity and the Aloha spirit. “The truth of the matter is that we’re still feeling the effects of hurricane Neki. Even with the help of disaster relief funds, Lahaina is facing a $500,000 projected budget deficit this year. Just carrying out the normal business of government is a struggle, let alone helping those still suffering from the storm. Luckily, we live in a place where the aloha spirit is alive and well in our residents and businesses. Glimpsea’s Lahaina View Project has helped keep citizens safe and identify which areas need help the most, and Manimal’s help rebuilding our drainage and sewer system has been a great gift to the community.

However, this system for cleaning our water devised by SSHAM engineers is as remarkable as it is special. The company’s donation of all the SSHAM we need for the next year, truly shows the heart at the center of every can, and the character of its founder, Art Pua’a. Like many, I’m a fan of reading through the SSHAM Stories page to see the creative things people have come up with for “The meat of 1,000 uses,” but I never dreamed of this. We’ve all been through a lot during these past months, and in a lot of ways, it’s brought out the best in us. I’m not sure how many uses there are for SSHAM, but I know one thing for sure, this has to be the best of them.”

In a statement released by the company during the announcement, CEO Art Pua’a says: “SHHAM isn’t just the maker Lahaina’s preferred processed meat product, we’re part of the neighborhood. When we heard that the county needed help we knew we had to act. We use a similar treatment process in our facility. It’s a little known fact that the water that goes in SSHAM is first filtered with SSHAM. I’m thrilled that we were able to scale the process up to facilitate the municipal water supply. Everyone knows that there’s a lot of spice, shrimp, and mechanically separated pork parts in every can of SSHAM, but there’s also a lot of love. I hope Lahaina can taste that love in every glass of water this morning.”

While many share the mayor’s sentiments, and praise the innovation involved with the new water treatment process, some have concerns about the system’s safety and effectiveness. The Lahaina Conservation Association (LCA) says they plan to seek an emergency injunction against the treatment plant and the county until the SSHAM treated water can be thoroughly tested, and the process studied. Spokesperson Kimberly Hekili says, “This morning’s announcement left a taste in my mouth, but contrary to Mr. Pua’a’s hopes, I’m pretty sure it was disbelief and disgust. The wholesale selling of the Lahaina infrastructure to the business community has to stop. What’s next, the Big Bob Abramo Child Welfare Department? As a vegan I find the thought of the municipal water supply filtered through a loaf of animal parts and who knows what, to be unacceptable and beyond the pale. There’s no telling what the effect of water going through this “treatment” will have on the environment. I don’t think you can put a price tag on Lahaina’s natural areas, but I’m sure it’s worth more than a can of SSHAM.”

STORYLINE

Worldwide SSHAM Shortage Causes Panic In Lahaina

SSHAM fans across the globe are scrambling to stock up on the popular processed meat product as a strike threatens to cut a quarter of the world’s supply of salty shrimp goodness in a can. Workers at the company’s flagship processing plant in Lahaina are embroiled in a dispute over automation that will displace 30% of the workforce. Production at the facility accounts for a whopping quarter of the canned meat’s production, and virtually all SSHAM in Hawaii, pumping out 75,000 cans a day.

The company claims that the upgrades to the factory are necessary to keep the business viable in the increasingly cutthroat world of canned meat production. CEO Art Pua’a says the overhaul is long overdue. “SHAWN, the company AI, already handles virtually all of our quality controls and customer interactions. We’re just making the improvements to the factory floor to put production in line with that part of the business. We have programs to help our employees who will be displaced and hope to come to an agreement with workers soon. I think we can all agree that none of us want Hawaiian kitchens to go SSHAM free.”

While the company and workers discuss the details, the island has gone into a full-fledged SSHAM panic. The price of SSHAM has skyrocketed as store shelves have been emptied of all varieties. A can of SSHAM that sells for an average of $4 can be found online for over $100. Rumors of international buyers purchasing huge lots of SSHAM flow like water across the island. In addition, a SSHAM black market has sprung up virtually overnight. The Lahaina Medical Center reports numerous cases of severe food poisoning from bathtub SSHAM and released a statement urging the public not to consume any canned meat that hasn’t been produced in an approved facility.

SSHAM panic hasn’t consumed everyone, however. Some businesses see the shortage as an opportunity. Abramo Holdings operations manager Brandi Essen says the situation has offered Big Bites stores an unusual revenue stream. While it is true that the meat themed convenience stores have suspended their SSHAM sales until the strike is over, Essen has figured out a way to still make money from the product’s popularity. “We’re letting people sit in a room with the largest SSHAM collection in Hawaii for a modest fee. I think it just makes people feel better about the whole situation,” she says.

“It’s going to get a whole lot worse before it gets better. Pua’a and the employees are just too far apart, we have yet to see peak SSHAM price. Until we do, we’re screening a special segment of our best customers and taking them to a secure refrigerated location where they can sit alone in a room with literally tons of SSHAM. It turns out that just knowing that there is still a mountain of SSHAM on the island is very therapeutic for those struggling with the thought of not having a slice in the morning or after work. We require customers to sign an NDA about the exact amount of SSHAM we have and its location, but our viewings are perfect for those caught up in the shortage panic.”

While just looking at a can may be good enough for some, many are counting on DIY solutions to make it through the impending shortage. There are plenty of recipes floating around purported to be leaked from striking workers. While officials warn the public to use safe food handling practices, numerous homemade SSHAM makers have run into trouble trying to recreate the smell, taste, and texture SSHAM is famous for. Lahaina resident Gary Puniwale is one such home cook who ran into trouble trying to make his own SSHAM.

“Everyone knows the story of how Art accidentally created SSHAM in his kitchen one drunken night, so I thought how hard can it be? Let me tell you something, food production is not for the faint of heart or belly. Probably the biggest lesson I learned was how important it is to follow the directions precisely when trying to recreate a commercial food product. You know when you’re putting together a piece of furniture and lose a screw, you can just use a nail instead? That’s not how creating a shelf-stable canned meat works. You have to follow the instructions precisely. No substitutions.

My first mistake was using dried brine shrimp. I figured it was cheap and fine for my fish. I thought using the prepared cans would be better because it was fortified for my pets. I chose bacon next instead of ham because I thought the smoky flavor would be nice. I didn’t really measure out the binders and fillers like the recipe said, I just kind of eyeballed it. The color was a little off after blending but I thought it would change during cooking. I was wrong.

When it was done the smell was almost the same. Kind of like a mackerel stuffed with sausage and left on the dock during a hot afternoon, but it still didn’t look quite right. I cut a slice and could tell right away that something was wrong. It was very gelatinous and sticky but I thought maybe it was still a little too warm. I took a bite anyway and I didn’t think it was terrible. The next 48 hours, however, were a nightmare. It turns out fish food is not meant for human consumption. I ended up in the hospital for severe dehydration as my body tried to rid itself of even the memory of my SSHAM experiment. When I finally got back home I found my loaf had fused itself to the pan somehow and resisted even the most vigorous scraping, it was then that I fully appreciated what I had put my intestines through. I’m done with the whole DIY kitchen thing. I’ll just wait for the strike to end and leave the SSHAM to the experts.”

STORYLINE

Popular SSHAM Based Nutritional Drink To be Offered at Lahaina Medical Center

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The Lahaina Medical Center and SSHAM have reached a deal to offer certain patients the canned meat company’s wildly popular new meal replacement drink, Sshamplete. The medical facility says that the drink will be made available to patients suffering from nutritional deficiencies, or having trouble eating their meals. Offering such drinks to patients in medical settings is not unusual, but it is the first time Sshamplete has been provided as an option at the medical center.

SSHAM creator and CEO Art Pua’a says he is excited that the hospital will be “using Sshamplete to nourish, and help heal our sick neighbors.” Pua’a admits that he was skeptical about the idea of making a meal replacement drink at first, but changed his mind when he learned how many Hawaiians, especially the elderly, don’t receive the recommended daily nutrition they need. “Many don’t even know what vitamins, minerals, and nutrients they need for optimum health every day. That’s what our drink is all about. If you’re not sure that your getting all the nutrients you need, Sshamplete is there for you. Just three of our tasty drinks a day, provides everything a body needs to thrive and function properly. In addition, Sshamplete has five times the recommended dietary allowance of protein in every can, making it an excellent option for those healing from a medical procedure, and those trying to get more lean muscle alike.

Art points to recent research showing that many aging adults can benefit from an increased protein intake to help optimize their health, and protect muscle mass. “Protein is important for every tissue, and organ in the body, even the skin. Along with all the other nutrients in Sshamplete, we have created a complete meal in a can, to help aging bodies have all the amino acids they need to function properly, and maintain optimum health.”

However, it’s not just the sick and elderly who are singing Sshamplete’s praises. Many who are too busy during the day, are turning to the meaty drink for a well balanced diet as well. Local inventor Ano Lee is a big fan of the SSHAMy beverage, and credits the drink with an increase in his productivity.

“Most of my job is thinking and decisions. I ponder possibilities, imagine what might be, and decide whether or not my ideas are viable or practical. With all those decisions running through my head, the last thing I want to think about is a meal. There’s so many choices, an so many nutrients that a body needs everyday, you can get lost just thinking about it. On top of that, once you’ve decided, you have to still sit and wait for the microwave to cook it. I just didn’t have time for all that and my health suffered. Then I tried Sshamplete and everything changed. I’ve tried other meal replacement drinks before, and they were terrible. I even tried making my own, but no matter how many times I strained it, the texture was never right. Sshamplete is always smooth going down, and that’s what makes it special. To be honest the taste isn’t really that great either, and it’s really thick, kind of like a half-melted shake, but it’s so smooth that you can easily get a whole can down before your taste buds know what’s happening. Three cans a day is all you need to keep you going. I’ve never felt better!”

While the extraordinarily high protein content of Sshamplete is beneficial to some, Betsy Kaukau of the Hawaii State Department of Health, points out that a diet too high in protein can have detrimental effects on well being, and the household plumbing, leading to serious issues. “While there are potential benefits to a high-protein diet, it is important to to be aware there are some pretty serious risk as well. This is especially true for the elderly, and with the extremely high protein levels found in Sshamplete. The list of possible complications is long, and frightening: permanent kidney damage, increased risk of cancer, pvc valve fouling, and calcium loss leading to osteoporosis just to name a few.” Kaukau says the drink, unlike many of its competitors, must be consumed within 30 minutes of opening to avoid bacterial overgrowth. “Since its public unveiling, we’ve have multiple cases of Shamplete drinkers suffering from diarrhea, vomiting, and severe intestinal distress. On top of that, it has become very popular with shark cage tour operators as a chum. It reportedly, is very good at drawing-in a wide range of aquatic species, particularly sharks. I don’t know about you, but I would have extreme reservations about providing a substitute for rotting fish heads, offal, and fetid animal oils to an elderly relative in poor health. As far as I’m concerned the cure is worse than the disease in Sshamplete’s case.”

STORYLINE

Officials Investigating Unusual SSHAM Oil Fire At Lahaina Facility

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Fire officials in Lahaina say they are still investigating the cause of a major fire that engulfed the SSHAM processing plant Thursday afternoon. While no one was killed in the blaze, dozens were treated for smoke inhalation, and many remain in the Lahaina Medical Center this morning. According to those on the scene, multiple containers of SSHAM oil spontaneously caught fire while cooling off behind the factory.

The Lahaina Fire Department says they responded to a call about a fire behind the SSHAM facility Thursday and found numerous pallets of burning SSHAM oil when they arrived. They were initially unable to contain the fire with standard equipment and were forced to use fire suppressing foam. According to the report, several other containers spontaneously combusted while firefighters tried to put out the growing inferno. It took several hours to contain and spread to the factory building itself before first responders could extinguish the blaze. Officials say they are still investigating the exact cause of the unusual fire, but that it is most likely a result of a new filtering and cooling process developed by the company.

“It smelled so good when we arrived that we didn’t believe that it was SSHAM oil burning,” says a first responder who wishes to remain anonymous. “We learned that it was, a few minutes later. When we turned on the hoses it just spread. We broke out the AFF (aqueous film-forming foam), but that didn’t seem to slow things down either. We put in a call for some class “A” foam and tried to make sure the facility was clear, but then another stack of oil just went up in flames. It was a nightmare. There were over 20 stacks of oil cooling out there, and we didn’t know which one was going to catch fire next. We eventually got everything under control, but it was one of the weirdest calls I’ve ever been on. I still can’t believe how good that stuff smelled, even after we dumped all those chemicals on it. It was like a combination of the ocean breeze and my tutu’s kitchen in the morning. It burned like the devil, but it smelled like heaven.”

A month ago SSHAM and the Hawaiian Association of Certified Wedding Planners (HCWP) reached a settlement in a case regarding the infamous smell associated with oil’s production. The HCWP claimed that the odor constituted a nuisance and was causing irreparable harm to their business. They had sought to shut down production in Lahaina, and asked for millions in damages. As part of the settlement, SSHAM paid an undisclosed amount to the organization, and changed the method in which they make, and filter the popular oil.

SSHAM CEO and creator Art Pua’a says the company is cooperating with investigators, and he is just glad nobody was seriously injured.

“I was born and raised in Hawaii, and I like to think that we run SSHAM with the aloha spirit that I was taught as a child. That means we value our people above all else. I’m not sure that I can properly express how thankful I am that everyone is going to be alright. This could have gone much worse. I also want to thank the brave men and women in the fire department for putting the lives of our employees above their own. They have my undying gratitude. While our new oil extraction and filtering process obviously has some stability issues to work out, I think one thing is clear. We nailed the problem with the smell. I actually have a piece of one of the pallets in my office right now. Even with the charring and dried foam it makes the whole room smell like a dream. I haven’t been the biggest fan of the HCWP lately, but they may have forced us into one of the greatest breakthroughs ever for the ‘meat of 1,000 uses.’”

Many however have new concerns about the safety of SSHAM oil, and its possible impact on the environment. “This stuff burns hot enough to melt steel beams and is resistant to the most common type of fire retardant. We need to be concerned and ask ourselves what SSHAM isn’t telling us about these fires,” says Kimberly Hekili from the Lahaina Conservation Association (LCA).

“I drove near the factory this morning myself, and the reports are true. It smells fantastic. It totally covers up any hint of burnt materials or chemicals, but It doesn’t matter how good it smells if it explodes while cooling and burns everything to the ground. We need to investigate what is making the oil so volatile, and its long-term impact on the environment. Our wild areas are as fragile as they are beautiful, and we need to care about more than just how they smell.”

STORYLINE

Iron SSHAM Recalled After Dozens Injured by Bits of Metal

SSHAM lovers across Hawaii are checking their pantries today, after the company announced a massive recall. Wednesday night SSHAM recalled over 100,000 pounds of their new Iron SSHAM product over concerns of contamination. Dozens have been injured by metal bits found inside the new canned meat product. This is not the first time that the company has faced a massive recall. Last Summer, the company was forced to recall over 500,000 cans of SSHAM, SSHAM Less, and SSHAM Extra Spicy, after it was discovered that the Pilua Shrimp Farm, a local supplier, had numerous health and safety violations.

Company officials say that the recall is limited to Iron SSHAM found across the islands only, and all other SSHAM products are completely safe. The USDA’s Food Safety and Inspection Services (FSIS) says that anyone with a 12-oz. can containing “Iron SSHAM” with a “Best By” June 2076 date and production codes: SS90981, SS90982, SS90983, SS90984, SS90985, SS90986, SS90987, SS90988 and SS90989, should throw them away, return them to the place of purchase, or take them to one of the many inspection stations SSHAM has set up in metropolitan areas.

With many worrying that soil depletion and Veilcorp’s solar 127 production is leading to massive nutritional deficits in crops, the supplement business is booming. Many food companies are riding that wave by fortifying their products with vitamins and minerals, including SSHAM. A company spokesperson says, “That was the idea behind Iron SSHAM. With the Hawaiian population aging, we found many islanders were worried about getting enough iron in their diet. Obviously mistakes were made. We’re working hard to prevent any further harm to our customers, and following up with everyone who was injured so far.”

A FSIS interview with one Lahaina resident unlucky enough to eat from a contaminated can reads in part, “I eat at least a couple of cans of SSHAM every week and was very excited that the company was offering a version fortified with iron as I suffer from anemia. Everyone has their favorite method of cooking it, but I prefer the creamy texture boiling a can provides. I knew something was different almost right away. Instead of melting smoothly in my mouth, the texture of Iron SSHAM was extra crunchy and a bit sharp. I bit down on something hard as I was chewing, and spit out a bunch of blood and a tiny piece of metal. I immediately took the can out of the garbage and read the label, but I didn’t see anything about chunks of metal in the ingredients, so I knew something was wrong.”

Dozens of others have had a similar experience, with hospitals and medical centers reporting numerous mouth injuries from those eating the product. SSHAM CEO and inventor Art Pua’a says that he is doing everything he can to ensure the safety of the public, and has started a unique safety campaign to reassure SSHAM customers.

In a statement released this morning he says,

“We take pride in being a Maui based company. We like to think of ourselves as a trusted neighbor, and we care deeply about every one of our customers. Up until this point, we have always made and packaged our product in our Lahaina facility ourselves, but in the rush to get this particular item on the shelves, we turned to a third party manufacturer. We trusted them to follow our strict quality and safety guidelines while we retrofitted our production line to accommodate the iron fortifying process. Unfortunately, it turns out enriching a product with iron was much harder than we expected, and our manufacturing partner had a fundamental misunderstanding of what it means to fortify something with iron… Working with the FSIS, we are doing everything we can to remove the cans contaminated with pieces of iron, have set up inspection stations in several areas, and are providing anyone who calls our 800 number a magnetic wand to pass over their SSHAM. By running the magnet over every slice, our customers can feel secure in knowing that their SSHAM is just as safe and delicious as it always is. If you find a slice that sticks to the magnet please do not eat it, and call us right away…By initiating this recall, and providing these numerous safety precautions, we hope to reassure our loyal customers so they can continue to make SSHAM the most loved canned meat product in the world.”

Lahaina residents wishing to have their SSHAM screened for safety can do so at Ano Lee’s maker commune, the area’s official inspection station. Mr. Lee says that the screening process is quick, and the station is open daily until 8 pm. Ano has found over 30 contaminated cans in less than 24 hours, but says that he doesn’t think people need to be overly concerned. “Look, I know better than most that mistakes happen. We haven’t found any metal bits in other types of SSHAM, just the iron formula. If you’re worried about it, just come down and we’ll scan your cans and run the big electromagnet over it. Believe me, if there’s any bits of metal stuck in there, they’ll come flying out. It’s actually kind of cool to watch, but if you have had any broken bones that required screws or plates, you should probably stand at least 50 feet away from the screening station. While you’re waiting to see if your food is riddled with iron shards, feel free to check out our Tchotchke Hut. If it’s made of plastic or glows in the dark, chances are you’ll find it inside. Best of all, if your SSHAM turns out to be contaminated with sharp bits of metal, we’ll dispose of it for you and give you 10% off anything in the store. I guarantee nothing in there will cut your mouth.”