STORYLINE

Wedding Annoucements: Brandi Essen and Thomas Mencken

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Brandi Essen and Thomas J. Mencken were married on Friday, Jan. 8, 2049 at the beautiful Lahaina Mission. Following the wedding, Brandi and Thomas’ reception at Robert Abramo’s Chophouse on Aloha Shores was attended by more than 300 friends, family, and customers. Specially raised suckling piglets were served at each table to help celebrate the island’s most highly anticipated nuptials.

Brandi is the daughter of Robert Abramo and Susan Essen-Abramo of Lahaina.

Brandi was accompanied by her sisters and maids of honor, Olive and Brie Essen. Rosemary “Gravy” Abramo, who is 94 years young and Brandi’s paternal grandmother, was the honorary matron of honor. During the ceremony “Gravy” gave a speech recounting Brandi’s early interest in encased meats, telling those assembled of Brandi’s love of a toy hotdog named “Frank”. She told the giggling crowd that, “She loved that thing so much that we joked she’d get married with Frank in her pocket. I’m happy to say that I was wrong, and a little ashamed to admit that I checked just in case.”

The bridesmaids were Saffron Todd and Clementine Bergeron.

Thomas is the son of Douglas and Becky Mencken of Baltimore. He was accompanied by his two brothers and best men, Finn and Jim Mencken.

The groomsmen were his childhood best friends Sam Leco, Sidney Hammond and Mark Leco.
During the wedding, Nori Cavanagh, Brandi’s aunt, and Polly Philbin, Thomas’s older sister, recited prayers and sang. Madeleine McCutchan, Brandi’s godmother, and Joe Mencken, Thomas’s godfather, presented the couple with a rare Iberian “Manchado de Jabugo” ham. Amy Philbin and Mr. Sprinkles, Thomas’s niece and Brandi’s pet pot-bellied pig, were the flower girl and ring bearer.

Brandi is a graduate of Lahaina High School, Class of 2029, and attended the Culinary Institute of America. She holds a masters carving license from the Abramo Butchery Academy and is the operations manager for Abramo Holdings LLC.

Thomas graduated from Baltimore Polytechnic, Class of 2005, and studied evolutionary biology at Johns Hopkins University. He is an associate professor of regulatory food sciences at the University of Maryland, currently on extended sabbatical.

Brandi and Thomas share a lot in common other than their love of industrial-sized freezers. They officially started dating after meeting more than three years ago at the grand opening of Lahaina’s Big Bites store. Thomas plans on moving to Lahaina within the year. Brandi plans on taking some time off to write a book on various knife sharpening techniques.

The bride’s specially made purple allium and crackling bouquet was caught and quickly consumed by her grandmother Gravy. In lieu of flowers, the Chophouse was decorated with a variety of edible arrangements and meat platters. They were enjoyed by guests and customers throughout the event.

The groom’s best men and family chose not to deliver a speech during the reception, instead Brandi’s stepfather Bob Abramo spoke for both families. He told those assembled that he never imagined meeting someone who shared his passion for meat, so he “decided to raise one.” He thanked all the guests and provided everyone attending a year-long pass to the Lahaina Zipline Tours. Raising a toast to the new couples happiness, Bob warned Thomas in jest that he had, “A special meat grinder in the back of the kitchen for men who break my little girl’s heart.”

Brandi and Thomas currently reside in Lahaina with their pig, Mr. Sprinkles. They both love traveling and plan on enjoying their honeymoon, sampling buffets from around the world.

STORYLINE

Saying Goodbye to Mr. Sprinkles

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All of Tanager Lane is heartbroken this morning. Like many of you, I am still reeling from the fire this weekend. Mrs. Nebbits has been a fixture in the neighborhood even before my ascension to HOA president. For almost 20 years the neighborhood children had a grandmotherly figure to turn to when they needed homemade cookies, or advice and a smile. Her pet pig Mr. Sprinkles was an important part of their lives as well. While Kathy and I didn’t always see things eye to eye, I tried to help her as much as I could and point out problems when I saw them. I just wish I had been more forceful in suggesting that she fix her faulty wiring and stop using so many candles. I dropped by the night of the fire but she was already asleep with Sprinkles curled up at her feet. It’s hard to believe that just a few hours later the flames would change everything.

Mr. Sprinkles’ rise to fame began 11 years ago when he broke out of his house to alert the neighbors that Mrs. Nebbits was hurt. When the paramedics finally forced open the door, they found Kathy at the bottom of the stairs unconscious and lying in a pool of blood. She had a concussion and 26 stitches in her head but she was alive. Who knows what might have happened if Mr. Sprinkles hadn’t gone for help. All of Lahaina was talking about the hero pig of Tanager Lane.

Never one to rest on her laurels, Kathy took this new found fame and she turned it into an opportunity to give back. Her and her pot-bellied partner became a weekly fixture at Molokai General. The sparkling little pig was a favorite of many patients, especially the children. Sprinkles seemed to know who needed a good laugh and who needed to be comforted with a glittery head in their lap and an encouraging oink. The pair touched and literally saved lives with their therapy work. But as the old cliche goes, sometimes bad things happen to good people. According to fire investigator Dan Kukulu, the fire started near her chair where I saw her sleeping that night. He’s unsure if the cause was one of her candles or some faulty electrical work. Whatever the point of ignition, the fire has solved one long-standing problem for me, Mr. Sprinkles.

I know many of you considered him to be the unofficial mascot of Tanager Lane, and that’s the problem. He’s unofficial. You see, even though many of you consider Mr. Sprinkles a scintillating extended family member, he is, in fact, a pig. As such, he is not allowed to be kept inside the preservation zone. The only reason he was allowed to stay with Kathy was that he was here before the rules were put in place and she sued. His exemption burned up in that fire with everything else.

Having no family of her own, it was Mrs. Nebbits’ wish that we collectively take care of Sprinkles until the end of his days. Many of you may think this puts me in a difficult situation, but nothing could be further from the truth. The decision is quite easy actually, because there’s nothing to decide. The rules are quite clear. The pig must go!

I plan on using this unfortunate situation as a teaching opportunity for my kids. If Mrs. Kline had simply followed the rules right away and not sought out a loophole to defy the new law and my authority, this wouldn’t be happening. I’m sure many have wonderful memories of walking the little pig after Kathy got too sick to do it herself. Whenever they think back to those days with a heaviness in their hearts, they’ll remember the importance of guidelines. Following the rules is more important than following your heart. Rules are consistent and forever. Those of you raising your children in single family homes have already taught them that love is fleeting at best, but for the rest of you, this is a great opportunity to teach that lesson.

“But pigs are among the smartest animals on the planet. They can pass the ‘mirror self-recognition test’. That puts them in the same category with chimpanzees, dolphins, and elephants. He knows us,” you might say. Well, if he really is that smart I’m sure he’ll understand that his owner did the wrong thing. The last time I checked, being able to recognize yourself in a mirror does not give you the right to live in Tanager Lane. Besides, for all we know Mr. Sprinkles could have started that fire. Besides me, the pig was the last to see Mrs. Nebbits alive.

“Kathy just spent over $10 thousand on Tailored Cellular Optimization (TCO) treatments. He’s so sparkly now that he shines in the sun. He’s completely rejuvenated and has another 20 years in him at least. Besides, it’s almost Christmas. Can’t we bend the rules just a little one time for such an important member of the community?,” you ask. The answer is a resounding, NO!

As far as I’m concerned we should use Sprinkles new upgrades to our advantage. I was discussing the pig problem at the mayor’s office when Bob Abramo overheard my conversation and offered to help. While I’m not usually one to reward eavesdropping, there was something about the gleam in Mr. Abramo’s eye when we talked about the glittery little pig that caught my attention. He is very interested in Mr. Sprinkles and has offered quite a generous price. He assures me that he has big plans for our sweet little pig.

Out of respect for the connections some of you have with this prohibited animal and the upcoming Christmas holiday, I’m willing to let Mr. Sprinkles stay for a couple more days so you can say your goodbyes. Mr. Abramo only asks that you keep Mr. Sprinkles activity down to a minimum and that we start him on a sweet potato and apple only diet. He seems to know a lot about pigs and tells me that this naturally sugar rich diet is good for his muscles and overall quality. If you need any tips on how to talk to your children about this uncomfortable situation feel free to ask. As you all know, I’m exceedingly good at communication and interpersonal skills. I never thought I’d see this day but here it is. That little pig is about to fly. Mr. Sprinkles had an amazing life and story, but every story comes to an end. Tanager Lane is finally on the brink of achieving total compliance with preservation zone rules, and I intend to hold us to this high standard.

STORYLINE

Abramo Tire Set To Expand Business To Big Island

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When most people hear the name Bob Abramo they think about delicious snacks and giant steaks, but if the Maui meat mogul has his way, soon they’ll think tires. On the back of a viral marketing campaign promising that his commercial tires are, “Strong as the ox we used to make them,” Abramo’s latest venture is becoming a cash cow for the Lahaina businessman. With a new division of passenger tires on the horizon, and a waiting list almost a year long, Bob now plans on expanding his business to the big island.

Since his beginnings in the Lahaina real estate market, Abramo has had his hand in many business ventures. From zipline tours, to the development of customer assisting AI, and even a medical supply company, Bob isn’t one to shy away from an opportunity. Still, the tire business may seem like an odd choice for the owner of the Big Bites chain of convenience stores. However, Abramo says that making great tires is just like making a great meal. “It’s about using the best ingredients,” he says.

“It all started with a late delivery. We had a truck carrying a load of suckling pigs blow some tires on the way to the restaurant. They were supposed to be the special that night, so everyone with a vehicle headed out there to pick up the tasty little things. I was talking to the driver about how common blowouts were, and learned that the industry was hungry as a bear for better tires. Unfortunately, the technology of commercial tires hadn’t changed much in decades. I’ve always been one to take the bull by the horns, so I did a little investigating, and was shocked by what I found. Everyone was cutting corners to make a few extra bucks at the expense of drivers and customers. I decided to do things the right way, and start a company that put the very best in their tires, so nobody would have to hoof it home again because of a flat.”

While the exact manufacturing process remains a closely guarded secret, Abramo says one of the keys to Abramo Tire’s toughness is the purity of his stearic acid. A curing agent first derived from beef tallow, the chemical helps tires hold their shape, while making them resilient to wear and friction. Most companies now use synthetic or cheaper plant-based stearic acid in the manufacturing process. It is this trend away from animal products that has hurt the industry according to Abramo. “It’s a travesty! Our stearic acid is the cleanest and most effective in the business. Made from fat and happy, free-range cows, our acid and other animal derived additives combine to make tires that easily lead the pack.”

While most industry experts remain skeptical about Bob’s claims regarding synthetic additives, there is no doubt about the effectiveness of the tire company’s viral marketing campaign. Millions of viewers across the island have watched Abramo put his product to the test, and share a little of his personal philosophy on, “Brake Fast With Bob.”

Part infomercial, part soap box for Abramo to share his often outrageous ideas, Brake Fast, has become a viral sensation. Most episodes start the same: Abramo explains how commercial vehicles are our modern day beasts of burden, and parallels between good blacksmiths and farriers in the past, with tire companies today. However, it is the demonstrations and tire tests that have fueled the growth of Bob’s latest venture.

In one episode Abramo has an employee drive one his Meat Wagons around a test track at break-neck speed while he fires a nail gun at the food truck’s wheels. Another features a fully loaded tanker truck soaring over a series of small jumps, and making tight turns over sharp lava rocks, while the driver tries to maintain control. Bob can be heard yelling, “You can drive over glass, screws, and shrapnel until the cows come home. Hell, you could make armor out of our tires,” in an episode involving improvised explosives, and tire hating terrorists.

If the surprisingly good reviews, or outrageous tire demonstrations have convinced you to buy a set for your commercial vehicle, we have bad news. The waiting list is ten and a half months long. Abramo says that the demand has been so huge that the company was overwhelmed in just a few months, but he is working hard to increase production and has made Lahaina area orders a priority. “We’re getting tires out to our friends and neighbors first because they are the ones who have fed this business from the beginning, and I know where our bread is buttered.”

STORYLINE

Environmental Group Demands Billboards Be Removed From the Preservation Zone

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The Lahaina Conservation Association (LCA) has announced today that they have sent a demand letter to Bob Abramo and filed an official complaint with the mayor’s office requesting that the controversial Abramo Chop House and Meat Museum signs be removed from the preservation zone. Mr. Abramo’s office says that the signs act as an important safety feature for tourists who may become lost, by offering recognizable landmarks and extending wifi coverage to the entire zone.

Not counting the infamous case of the Hower family who became lost while hiking along the Pali Trail, misplaced or disoriented tourists were not a major problem around Lahaina. Last year that began to change. 2047 saw dozens of official searches and a handful of legal cases claiming that the trails were dangerous and that the county was slow to respond to reports of missing visitors. Many worried about the complaints draining limited resources and hurting tourism. A call for more clearly marked trails and an expansion of wifi service was put out. That call was answered by Bob Abramo.

Known more for his meat-centric businesses and his real estate holdings, many were skeptical of Abramo’s intentions. According to LCA spokesperson Kimberly Hekili that skepticism was correct, “Mr. Abramo clearly knew that he was bending the rules of the agreement he signed with the county. While it’s true that his billboards are recognizable and expand coverage through the preservation zone thanks to the Phxicom wifi towers mounted on top, they are hideous. People travel from around the world to enjoy the raw natural beauty of our wild places, not be assaulted with billboards with bad puns like: ‘You never saw sausage place!’ or ‘We’ve got a lot on our pâté!’ The advertisements are clearly against preservation zone rules and we are demanding that they be removed immediately.”

10 billboards in total are spread throughout the zone and along the trails. Each of them tells how far you are from Abramo’s wildly popular eatery and points in its direction. The public response was quick and loud. Many called for a boycott of Abramo businesses until the billboards were removed. Others found the signs kitschy and amusing. However, officials were not amused and ordered Robert to take the billboards down. Abramo refused and a legal battle began. While the case has been going on for almost a year, insiders say that an agreement is near and will be announced by the end of the week.

“I’m not really sure what all the fuss was about,” says Abramo.

“Like my steaks, I think our signs are extremely tasteful. The county had a problem and I solved it for them. I’ve met every condition of our contract. The Phxicom towers we’ve provided now cover the entire zone like a tasty peppercorn sauce. Each sign is easily spotted and points in the direction of civilization and deliciously tender ribs. If the mayor’s office had a problem they should have said something during construction. The bottom line is that the county doesn’t have a leg to stand on. This was a federally sanctioned project and we met all of the FCC criteria present in the agreement. The reality is that we could mount a thousand foot tower every fifteen feet and the county, city, or state couldn’t say word boo. However, I’m not completely unreasonable. We offered to shut off the lights, even though that defeats the whole purpose if you ask me.”

Preservation Zone Compliance Liaison Elizabeth Stonegate says she has worked hard to resolve the issue which she blames on “underwhelming” legal advice from inside the mayor’s office. She resents the intrusion of the environmental group, warning that it may upend a tentative agreement reached over the weekend. “The LCA is completely out of their depth,” Stonegate says.

“If a demand letter was all we needed to void this contract the situation would already be resolved. Ms. Hekili’s ineffectual attempt to make her organization relevant in this situation is laughable. This in not the first time Kimmy has tried to assert herself. It seems like whenever she reads that a problem regarding the preservations zone is about to be solved, she sticks her nose in and claims victory. It’s actually a little sad. As I’ve told her before, the adults have everything well in hand, so she doesn’t need to worry. She should feel free to return to the kids table and look at all of her participation trophies. We’ve already reached a provisional agreement without her help, that I believe will make everyone happy. Details will be released in a few days and I look forward to seeing how the LCA plans on taking credit.”

STORYLINE

Big Bites Stores To Offer Healthier Grab-and-Go Options

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New healthier options are on the shelves of every Big Bites store in Maui. The popular convenience store kicked off a partnership this week with the Department of Health’s “Healthy Hawaii” campaign. The initiative aims to give Hawaiians easier access to healthier food and beverage choices. Items that meet guidelines set by the department will be marked with a Healthy Hawaii label.

“One of the biggest hurdles for eating healthy is time. We’re all busy, running from place to place during the day, or trying to grab a bite 15 minutes before work. Usually, the only thing ready to eat that fast isn’t the best for you. Our goal, with the help of our partners, is to provide numerous fast, healthier options for busy Hawaiians,” says a Department of Health spokesperson.

Big Bites Operations Manager Brandi Essen says she is excited about the initiative. “Honestly, being able to create new foods and improve on old favorites is a lot of fun. When you couple that with helping people live healthier lives it’s a win-win situation.” Essen say that the stores will still “cater to carnivores,” allowing customers to grind their own sausage, and choose from the largest jerky and pickled meats selection anywhere on Maui, but now they will also have some healthier versions of customer favorites.

“We’ve tweaked the recipes to a number of items. Our energy mix now contains 30% less lardons, our foie gras chips are now fried in soybean oil, we’re offering a low sodium version of our famous candied corned beef bites, and we even have sugar free cracklin slushies to wash everything down. In addition, we’ve expanded the variety of items we wrap in bacon. We’re wrapping bacon around almost anything that grows now, to help our customers get all the fruits and vegetables they need during a busy day.”

Despite Essen’s enthusiasm not everyone is excited with the news that the Big Bites stores have been allowed to join the program. Chef Craig Hoomaau, a certified nutritionist and transpersonal plating-arts instructor at the Kokua Wellness Center and Spa, says the store’s products shouldn’t qualify for the program. “These items are in no way healthy. They are just healthier than the delivery systems of fat, salt, sugar, and preservatives that pass for the normal fare at the Big Bites stores. Unfortunately that’s all you need to qualify. I’ve made healthy living my life’s work. I was hired as a consultant when the government began this program last year so it’s very personal to me. Despite his reputation, Abramo doesn’t scare me. He knows that his food is dangerous and shouldn’t be included in the initiative. If I have any advice to people looking for healthy food in a Big Bites store it would be to run and keep running. Be active and make common sense food choices, like avoiding anything served at an Abramo business.”

Unsurprisingly, Big Bites owner Bob Abramo says that his products meet all guidelines for the program, and are in no way dangerous or unhealthy to eat. He says that he is simply offering nontraditional health foods to his customers and any complaints about his stores participation can be attributed to misunderstanding and jealousy .

“Hoomau is just upset that his classes are as empty as his plates, while I run the most successful meatery the island has ever seen. I will say that I am a bit surprised that he and his fellow grass drinkers had the energy to critique my business. It takes guts to take me on. Unfortunately for “Chef” Craig, I’m an expert in guts. I work with them everyday and I don’t mind getting my hands dirty. If Hoomau doesn’t want to find himself served up on a platter, he should focus on his own survival and not concern himself with my stores. I provide food for the top of the food chain, not for the things that run away. I suggest that Hoomau take his foamer, his plate brush, and his anemic ideas home before he bites off more than he can chew. There’s a pecking order on the island and Craig needs to understand that he’s been lucky so far. I didn’t know who he was until he started to squeal. Now that he’s put himself in my sights, it’s only a matter of time before I put him on my menu.”

STORYLINE

Announcing The Lahaina Zipline Tours Big Reopening

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For almost 18 years The Lahaina Zipline Tours was one of the most popular attractions on the island for both residents and tourists. Our 4 lines offered a unique view of parts of downtown, the beach, and Lahaina’s beautiful wild places. Over 150,000 people took a scenic trip down our lines in 2047 before hurricane Neki put an end to the rides and devastated much of the island.

Like many other hotspots, we’ve been busy rebuilding and we’re almost ready to show off our new tours. Things are about to get bigger and better at The Lahaina Zipline Tours thanks to our new owner, Big Bob Abramo. He’s already well known for his award winning chop house, but his vision for the ziplines will amaze you. We’re announcing our grand reopening next Friday, july 10th. Come on down, and see our expanded lines and learn about our unique new offerings sure to be big fun for the whole family.

Bob doesn’t believe that our liners should have to rely on gravity alone so we’ve completely upgraded our technology. Our all new bidirectional lines and motorized trolleys allow guests to slow things down to get a good look at the world below, or break free from the limits of traditional ziplining. Guests can experience speeds of up to 70 mph on a number of our longer runs. (Goggles can be purchased at the gift shop.)

We have expanded the reach of our original lines as well. Now you can pass over nearly all of Lahaina. Take a romantic zip down the beach or get your adrenaline flowing by passing over an active lava field. Stop using your legs like a sucker and let us do all the work. Big Bob’s web of lines offers zip lovers miles of fun and a complete view of the area without the drudgery and hassle of walking. Our new automated quick exchange system lets you quickly move from run to run without ever having to touch the ground. Our entire loop offers almost an hour of zipping fun. While these technical upgrades are exciting enough, it’s our big new programs that will have everyone talking.

Take a direct line to dinner with our express run to the Abramo Chop House. Whether you’re picking out an animal to eat for an upcoming birthday, or just want to take a big bite from something off the grill, the Chop House has something to appease even the most voracious appetite. Check out 10 feet of the world’s best pork on our famous Long Pig Buffet, or enjoy one of our delicious bacon infused cocktails. Our menu is all organic and is specially designed to accommodate a wide variety of carnivorous tastes. We strive to use locally-raised organic meats as much as possible.

You’ve flown like the birds and now it’s time to sing like them with Big Bob’s nightly karaoke. When the sun goes down our ziplines glow purple and the magic begins. Our host Bouncing Brandi keeps the music and fun going nightly until 4am. Use your ceremplant to join one of our public networks or pay a little extra for your own private virtual room. Let your voice be carried on the wind or belt out a power ballad to everyone below.

Our big collection includes close to 500,000 songs in 6 different languages, so if we don’t have it, it’s not worth singing. In addition, all of our midnight crooners have a chance to broadcast their performances thanks to our partnership with Glimpsea. Take advantage of their nanocam technology to show your family, friends, and anyone in the broadcast area what they’re missing. Due to a request from the Lahaina police department, we encourage our guests to refrain from loud singing after midnight when passing over residential areas.

If you liked it before, you’ll love it now. Nobody knows the sweet taste of recreation like Big Bob Abramo. With the grand opening a little over a week away, spots are going to fill up fast so make your reservations today. Go big and go to the new home of island fun: The Lahaina Zipline Tours.

STORYLINE

Chop House Debuts Next-Gen Facial-Recognition Ordering System

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You’re out at your favorite restaurant but you can’t decide between the steak or the fish. You order an appetizer in the hopes that you’ll have made a choice by the time it comes out, but 10 minutes later you’re staring at a bowl of cooling artichoke dip, no closer to a decision. It’s one of the most common problems a person deals with when going out for a meal, but the Abramo Chop House may have a solution for those of us who have a hard time deciding. A new hi-tech facial recognition system, integrating the restaurant’s Customer Resource Artificial Intelligent Guide (CRAIG), promises to change the way we order food forever.

The Dish Fulfillment system monitors a customer’s face as they look over the menu, and remembers what items they like. A matrix of small red dots is projected from the special ordering module installed at each table that measures and remembers the topography of a patron’s face as they read over each menu item. The system notes microexpressions, and subtle facial changes converting the data into a “satisfaction” number that can be used to determine what meal a person wants most.

In addition, the software remembers past visits and meals, creating a library of likes and dislikes for each individual customer. “Eventually, we want the system to scan a returning customer as they walk in, and put their order in before they even sit down,” says Brandi Essen, Operations Manager of Abramo Holdings LLC. However, if online reviews are any indication, Lahaina may not be ready for bleeding-edge ordering technology.

Negative reviews about the system have been pouring in since its unveiling over the weekend. With complaints ranging from wrong orders, to automatic selection of higher-priced menu items, and the distracting nature of eating a meal with red dots projected on your face. Many are wondering why the popular eatery didn’t address more bugs before the system’s rollout.

“Whenever you start a new program, there’s going to be a few issues to work out, but we feel the Dish Fulfillment system is far superior to any other ordering method you’ll find on the island today,” says Essen. She further points out that changes have already been made to the ordering process.

“We’ve eliminated the mouth sensors that measured saliva production because our facial recognition software is so advanced that we really didn’t need it, and we agree that they made conversation difficult. We’re currently working on a way to dim the dots during the meal, but I think that eating with a few visual facial markers is a minor sacrifice when you look at what you get in return. For those few who were blinded, I just have to say … tough it out, vision usually returns within 48 hours. Just like the heart, the stomach knows what it wants, even if the brain gets in the way sometimes. Dish Fulfillment can recognized your inner cravings and desires. With our integrated ordering system, your perfect meal is as plain as the nose on your monitored face.”

While there are plenty of negative comments about overpriced dishes, and unwanted orders the reviews are just as critical about the restaurant’s CRAIG integration. The Chop House AI has had a bumpy rollout, especially amongst locals, over the past few months, and that trend appears to continue. Tourists Bret and Spring Casey say their experience with the Dish Fulfillment system was bad from the beginning, but CRAIG’s “taunts” made their meal unbearable.

“It was weird, but I could live with the dots all over Bret’s face. I knew things were going off the rails though when it came time to review our order,” says Casey. “Apparently we wanted the largest and most expensive cuts of meat on the menu, with the most expensive sides, despite the fact that we had a huge lunch a few hours earlier. My husband is allergic to shellfish, but the system kept insisting that he wanted a double order of crab legs. CRAIG told us that most allergies were actually psychosomatic, but there was a hospital close by just in case. It got worse when I said I wanted my filet cooked medium-well. I’m not a fan of bloody meat, but CRAIG refused to complete our order until I placed one that was “edible”. The last straw for us was the contact after we left. Despite how unenjoyable our experience was, we still left a good tip, but apparently not good enough for CRAIG. It sent us multiple messages about how “a meal this good deserves at least a 20% gratuity.”

Amid the wave of negative press, Mr. Abramo has been uncharacteristically reserved saying, “Facial recognition science is a fast-growing field and the technology gets better and better every year. The Dish Fulfillment system is the future of food. I’ve learned to trust my gut above all things, and my gut tells me this is about people not being comfortable with their true dietary dreams. Everyone is so obsessed with fake health concerns, that we’ve abandoned our deepest dining desires. When it comes down to it, we all want to tear into big chunks of grilled meat. We want to order a side steak with our diner and not be ashamed. I not only embrace my inner carnivore, I feed it. I feed it well. I try not to be bound by plating conventions and recommended daily allowances. I eat what I truly want, and all I want is for happy customers to eat too!”

STORYLINE

Magnetic Resonance Device Promises to “Taste” Meat For You

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Researchers from the University of Maui Lahaina College have developed a handheld device that promises to “taste”, and determine the quality of meat without having to cut into it, or put it in your mouth. The device uses the same magnetic resonance imaging technology used in common medical tests to determine the meat’s density, doneness, and many other flavoring characteristics. Building on research started by Spanish scientists almost 30 years ago, the researchers hope to improve their prototype, and make a commercially available version by the end of the year.

Most commonly associated with diagnostic medical procedures looking at organs and other structures inside the human body, magnetic resonance imaging (MRI) has been used by a handful of specialty meat purveyors for several years. However, until now the technology has been too bulky to be of practical use for consumers.

“Our biggest breakthrough has been in the size of the device,” says lead researcher Brad Acosta. “The device can scan an average sized steak in less than 30 seconds. Once it has properly imaged the piece of meat, the results are analyzed with computer vision algorithms to get a series of numerical scores. We use these scores to predict the quality and characteristics of the meat in question. Our technology allows consumers to accurately know such things as: the amount of fat, moisture, internal color, doneness, marinade perfusion, optimum aging, and salt diffusion. It really takes all the guesswork out of the grading process, and can tell you how delicious a piece of meat is going to be before you take a bite. Our goal is to help consumers make the most of their food dollar, and we hope to see one in every kitchen some day.”

However, not everyone is sold on the idea. Brandi Essen, Operations Manager of Abramo Holdings LLC says that the last thing an enjoyable dining experience needs is another gadget. “Walk into any restaurant tonight and count how many people aren’t eating, but are taking pictures of their food. I can’t begin to guess how many entrees we had to warm up, or re-fire every night before Bob instituted a “no phones” policy in the Chop House; and don’t get me started about the pocket meat thermometer crowd. The truth of the matter is, Mr. Acosta demoed the device for us in the restaurant a few weeks ago, and we were far from impressed. There seemed to be a number of glitches and some questionable readings. On top of that, there are still some very serious questions about his devices’ safety. This technology might be useful and safe someday down the road, but from what I’ve seen, we’re not there yet.”

Despite Essen’s misgivings, Acosta says he stands behind his team’s technology, pointing out numerous studies of the device highlighting its efficacy. As far as safety is concerned, Acosta says that MRI technology has been safely used by medical professionals for over 70 years. “If there were a health risk, we would have discovered it by now. What this is really about is a fear of technology and change. Every new discovery is met with anxiety and panic by a few, look at all the protests when veil technology was first introduced to the public. We’re confident that with time and use, the public will see the utility of our device.”

Bob Abramo doesn’t see it that way, and says that in addition to the safety concerns, he has a philosophical issue with Acosta and his team.

“First, let me dispel this notion that I’m somehow afraid of mixing food and technology, nothing could be further from the truth. We use the most advanced oil filtration techniques in the industry, we have patents on the processes we use to make our marinades, and our line of edible health and beauty products represent the cutting edge of tasty wellness technology. However, I’ve seen this device in action, and in my opinion it was a complete failure

As a joke we scanned Doug, one of our line cooks, and it determined that he was delicious, tender, with just the right amount of salt, but slightly underdone. It was ridiculous! Doug is a chain smoker, and his diet is full of packaged snacks and Manimal. There’s no way he’s not overly salted, with a chemical aftertaste.

Despite all that, my main issue with Acosta’s team is a philosophical one. Every piece of meat has a story to tell. From the lowliest chuck roast to the finest Iberian ham. They all have their own character, smell, and journey to your plate. I don’t believe that a machine can quantify the metaphysical and intangible qualities of a piece of meat that can make it truly great. There’s a reason that the finest things on earth like wine and gems are graded by people yet. I don’t see a well marbled steak as any less magnificent than an IF graded diamond. A good piece of meat, perfectly cooked, can’t be quantified by a machine, it should be enjoyed as an act of pure personal consumption.”

STORYLINE

Ban on Popular Reparre Treatment Dashes the Dreams of Olympic Hopefuls

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Today, in conjunction with the World Anti-Doping Agency (WADA) and the U.S. Anti-Doping Agency (USADA), The International Olympic Committee announced that they would be adding synthetic stem cells to the list of banned substances. A popular treatment for sports related injuries devised by Reparre Biologic, the decision effectively sidelines a number of athletes who had planned on competing in Manila in July, including Lahaina diving sensation Charlie Kiha. Since these types of cells can show up in tests for up to 6 years, the ruling has long lasting implications to anyone who has undergone such treatments in the past.

The push to regulate the technology is not new. Many sporting organizations already have rules regarding the number of treatments a competitor can receive during a game or match, and restrictions on what types of injuries can be treated with Reparre’s synthetic stem cells and tailored DNA medicine. However, the Olympic Committee’s decision to completely ban the treatment represents the strictest control of synthetic stem cells by any organization, and is being called unfair by many impacted.

“I already sent tickets to my aunties, and my tutu. A few of them have never been off island before. Its their disappointment that hurts the most,” says Kiha. A gold medal winner in diving at last year’s Pan American games, Kiha was an early medal favorite this year, but it appears an old treatment for a neck injury will now sideline the Olympic hopeful. “I’ve been pretty lucky in my career, and haven’t had any major injuries until last year. I hurt my neck cliff diving while I was home, and didn’t know if I’d be able to compete this year, until I had the stem cell treatment. It was amazing! In less than 24 hours I had full range of motion and the pain relief was immediate, but I guess it was too good to be true. I can understand wanting to level the playing field, but I don’t understand flagging people who had the treatment before it was banned. They’re keeping people like me, who’ve done nothing wrong, out of Olympic competition for as long as 6 years. It doesn’t seem right.”

Shawn Hastings, President of Reparre Biologic, agrees with the diver’s assessment and says he was, “blindsided by the committee’s ruling.” Hastings says there is no evidence that Reparre’s medical technology provides athletes a performance edge.

“Our synthetic cells don’t physically work any differently than any other stem cell therapy. Our personalized DNA medicine is visually indistinguishable from traditional treatments. In fact, the only way to tell the two apart is through a specialized chemical test. The difference is in the time it takes for our treatments to work, nothing else. Our synthetic stem cells, calibrated with a sample of a patient’s DNA, have a much higher rate of mitosis than traditional stem cells. Minor injuries can be fixed almost immediately, and recovery from major trauma can be days instead of weeks. There’s no doubt that our medicine has saved the careers of numerous athletes, but it has not created them. Synthetic stem cells have been around for over 30 years, and records have not been broken at an exponentially higher rate during that time. Again, our technology provides a faster and more comfortable recovery from injuries, that’s it. There is no evidence to suggest it creates bigger, stronger, or faster athletes. We are very disappointed in today’s ruling.”

Despite Mr. Hastings assurances, the committee says that the synthetic Reparre stem cells can lead to higher durability, flexibility, and endurance in competitors, and can be detected in the system for years after a treatment. They stand by their classification, and say they expect other organizations to take a similar stance in the near future. Bob Abramo, President of Medimeat, a medical supply company that specializes in “free-range, 100% organic valves, cells, and tissues,” applauds the decision.

“At Medimeat we believe that if you wouldn’t eat it, you shouldn’t have it inside you. Who knows what long term damage Reparre’s fake stem cells will do. In one breath they say their cells are perfectly safe and natural, and in the next they show them dividing like a super-charged cancer. How can that not have an effect on performance? Look, athletic competition should be about exploring the limits of flesh and blood, not chemicals and synthetic cells. Think about it, is that block of imitation krab meat better than a deliciously grilled claw? Has anyone tasted a perfectly rendered duck breast, with slightly crispy skin, and thought I’d rather have a glob of tofu-duck? Of course not! If you wouldn’t accept cheap imitation for dinner, why would you accept it in your medicine? Our stem cells are carefully and lovingly harvested from 100% natural sources. We take our time, like you would with a good stew, to provide our customers with the finest medical tissues available. If you want some questionable product, at microwave speed, that’s the other guys who just got banned from the Olympics.”

STORYLINE

Chop House’s Customer Assistant AI a Hit With Tourists

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It seems like every business is using AI for customer interactions these days, from the SSHAM customer service hotline, to the automated city hall kiosks, if you need help, chances are you’ll talk to a machine. Now, one recently released AI assistant, from an unlikely business, is stirring things up in Lahaina. I am speaking of course of CRAIG, the Abramo Chop House’s customer appreciation helper. The AI has become a huge success with tourists, and a thorn in the side of many local business owners.

The Customer Resource Artificial Intelligent Guide (CRAIG) app has only been available a few weeks, but has already become hugely popular, particularly with tourists lucky enough to get a reservation at the Abramo Chop House. Accessible only to customers of the restaurant, CRAIG acts as a tour guide and concierge, booking appointments, giving directions and answering questions about Lahaina. However, it’s the way that CRAIG helps, and the AI’s attitude that has many area business owners upset.

“With over 30 years of experience as a business owner, and a seat on the Lahaina City Council, nobody knows Lahaina like Bob Abramo. Nobody until now,” says Brandi Essen, Operations Manager of Abramo Holdings LLC. “CRAIG uses all of Bob’s knowledge of the area to: help answer any questions you have, book tours and shows, and act as a guide to West Maui. Our customer service doesn’t end when you leave one of our tables. We want to help our most loyal customers with day to day tasks, and make sure you have a great time if you’re visiting the island. Using CRAIG is like having a personal hotline to Bob Abramo himself, that is open 24/7 for whatever you need.”

While Ms. Essen and tourists may sing the praises of CRAIG, many local business owners have had a different experience. Many complain that communicating with the AI is an extremely unpleasant experience, and that CRAIG focuses on Abramo businesses and Abramo business partners, almost to the exclusion of all others. Ralph Umeke, owner of the popular Hula Noodle restaurant says, “The damn thing is almost as rude as its bloated creator. It’s to the point where I’ve started to screen tourists for the app, and kick out the ones who have it. I won’t allow that kind of negativity in the shop while people are trying to enjoy their food.”

Several other business owners, who wished to remain anonymous, share a similar view of CRAIG. They say that the AI is overbearing and condescending in its communications, and often lies about the price of merchandise, and operating hours of companies not associated with Mr. Abramo. Numerous complaints have been filed with the Better Business Bureau, and the mayor’s office, but CRAIG opponents say they are not hopeful that anything will change soon.

Leading up to this story, I had my own personal experience when the AI called to “talk over some concerns” it had about me, and this report. CRAIG had compiled a list of every story I had written that had clarifications or corrections, and grilled me about whether or not “the news thing” was really right for me. It had gone through all my social networks, and asked if I was a vegetarian, informing me that it didn’t talk to anyone with “radical or misinformed nutritional beliefs.” In addition, Craig advised me that I shouldn’t wear so many green garments in public, because “green is a terrible color” for a woman of my “age and complexion”.

While it may not be the favorite of the Lahaina business community, and I found the AI to be impolite at the very least, there is no doubt that it has been a hit with tourists. Bret and Spring Casey say they first visited Lahaina last Fall, and had a good time, but this year’s visit has been great thanks to CRAIG. According to Spring,

“CRAIG has been amazing. He told us the location of the nearest public Manimal ATV, and reserved it for us after we were exhausted from a long walk in the preservation zone. It got us upgraded to Splash Row at the Aloha Shores Dolphin Show at no charge, and threatened the kid working the concession booth, after he “accidentally” gave me back the wrong change. We almost called for a Hailoha when we got up the next morning, until CRAIG told us how dangerous they can be, and how poorly vetted their drivers are. CRAIG got so mad when I asked about taking a horseback tour to see the island, that I almost had to shut off the app. Luckily, we took his advice, and booked an afternoon with the Lahaina Zipline Tours instead, narrowly avoiding disaster. I can’t begin to tell you how great CRAIG made our trip. It’s like having a little Big Bob watching out for you, and yelling at anyone who makes a mistake.”