STORYLINE

City Council Votes to Halt Construction of Algae Farm

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Known for delicious pineapples and their one-of-a-kind drone workforce, Ananas Farms is a popular destination for tourists and fruit lovers alike. The hi-tech farm has revitalized pineapple farming on the island almost single-handedly, but their next innovation has run into trouble from the Lahaina City Council. The farm has been building a state-of-the-art algae growing facility for the past six months, with the hopes of beginning production before summer. That goal seems unlikely now, as the city council has voted to halt construction pending a zoning investigation, and an environmental impact study. The farm says they have already filed all relevant paperwork, including a study with the state.

Roy Ananas says, “Algae is not just the food of the future, it has the potential to power homes, clean the environment, and help everyone become self-sustainable.” Ananas says he became interested in farming algae after attending The Hawaiian AG Expo in 2045, but hadn’t been able to seriously explore the field until last year. “The success of the pineapple business has allowed us to really expand the farm and explore other opportunities,” he says.

Roy points out that algae contains twice as much protein as most meat, and is packed with vitamins and minerals.

“It has more beta carotene than carrots and more iron than spinach. It really is a superfood. On top of that, microalgae takes up very little space, can grow in non-potable water or on non-arable soil in a way that reduces greenhouse gases, and without putting pressure on the environment. In addition, as a photosynthetic organism: algae uses sunlight to convert carbon dioxide and water into usable energy, expelling oxygen as a byproduct. I can envision a time when everyone has a big algae tank for food and energy in their backyard.”

Ananas says the algae project was greenlighted months ago, and the county has numerous environmental impact studies concerning the expansion already on file. He says the council’s shift in attitude is due to last month’s shake-up over the trash scandal, and one person, in particular, Bob Abramo.

Despite Roys accusations, Maui District Health Office official Betsy Kaukau says she respects the council’s decision saying, “Where there’s smoke there’s fire, and there’s plenty of smoke regarding the safety of the tanks used by Ananas Farms.” Kaukau says, “I don’t think Roy and his family divulged that they were using some of the same contractors responsible for building the Pilua Shrimp Farm and we all know how that turned out. It was so bad that the FDA got involved, calling it, ‘the most dangerous aquaculture operation the agency has ever seen.’ Thousands got sick from eating their tainted shrimp, and over 500,000 cans of SSHAM, SSHAM Less, and SSHAM Extra Spicy, had to be recalled for public safety. As far as I’m concerned those contractors, and anyone who’d use them, are just as responsible for all those sick people, as the owner who used the toxic shrimp feed.”

Ananas calls Kaukau statements ridiculous, pointing out that the contractors in question specialize in building aquaculture pools, ponds, and tanks. He claims they had nothing to do with the mismanagement responsible for the public health disaster at Pilua. “It’s like saying a tire company is responsible for drunk driving,” he says.

However, newly appointed member of the Lahaina City Council and Chairman of The Solid Waste Resource Advisory Committee Bob Abramo says that too many unanswered questions remain about the proposed algae farm, and the council needs to take a better look.

“If I’m not mistaken, Veilcorp dumped millions of urchins into the water surrounding Lahaina to eat the algae that was killing the coral. Now we’re going to grow more algae, on purpose so WE can eat it? I just have to ask why we didn’t send out a bunch of people who want to make salads out of this gunk, and cut out the urchins in the first place? We’re not talking about Nori wraps or Kombu and a nice dashi broth, we’re talking about pond scum. Our waters are too important to allow what is in essence, a scum factory to operate in Lahaina. Look, if you want to live your life taking supplements, drinking fermented tea, and licking the slime of off rocks to survive, that’s your right. Just don’t ask me to advocate it, or use public funds to support it. Make no mistake, the algae farm is a slippery slope. It’s just a matter of time before they’re pushing “Slimy Sundays” along with “Meatless Mondays”. People did not climb to the top of the food chain to not eat meat two days in a row. Worse yet, is when they try making burgers, and fake-chicken out of it. Thinking of all the children forced to eat green hot dogs at a picnic, breaks my meat-loving heart.”

STORYLINE

Abramo Medical Company Set To Expand As Patient Demand Increases

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When you think about the fast growing bio-medical industry, the first name that comes to mind might not be Bob Abramo, but it should be. Owner of the famous Abramo Chop House, the Lahaina meat mogul is best known for his numerous food enterprises, not medical manufacturing. Nonetheless, Medimeat, his latest endeavor, is becoming one of the fastest growing medical businesses in Hawaii. Dozens of patients have received treatments with various products from the new company, and the demand for the company’s free-range, 100% organic heart valves and tissues is only increasing.

Abramo Holdings LLC operations manager Brandi Essen says that she can’t comment on specific cases because of privacy laws, but claims that close to a dozen Hawaiians are walking around with Medimeat heart valves, and dozens more have been helped by the company’s products. “We believe that in addition to being delicious, meat can be medicine, and we’ve been serving the best meat you can buy for the past 10 years. Now, we’ll help people get the best medicine as well.”

For many years doctors have used animal tissues, usually from pigs and cows, for a number of medical purposes. Patches made from animal pericardium, the membrane
surrounding the heart, were often used in cardiovascular surgeries in the past, and is still a popular option for those who can’t afford stem cell treatments. In addition to heart conditions, animal products are used for: hernia repair, surgical sutures, and numerous other general surgery applications. According to Essen, the demand for locally sourced medical tissues is on the rise.

She says,

“We believe in snout to tail medicine. Over 100,000 people are saved every year by cardiovascular surgeries using animal tissues. More than 100 pharmaceuticals and medicines derived from animal co-products are currently used to: help make childbirth safer, prevent blood clots in the circulatory system, control anemia, and help those suffering from asthma. Until now, patients really didn’t have a choice when it came to what animal tissues were put in their bodies. You didn’t know what sort of feed the animals ate, how cramped their living conditions were, or exactly what chemicals they were treated with. We figured that patients would like to have the same informed options in their medical care as they had in their dinner plans. It turns out we were right. The requests have been so high that we’re actually having trouble meeting the demand. We are expanding operations to ensure that everyone who is going through something as scary as a valve replacement, can feel confident that they’ll soon be walking around with a little Abramo care inside them.”

The Lahaina Medical Center (LMC) confirms that they have used Medimeat tissues in numerous procedures, and that there is a demand for tissues supplied by the company. However, they are quick to point out that all animal tissues used in medical procedures are collected under strict government guidelines, and insist that Medimeat tissues are not “safer” or “better” than other options. “This is a potentially dangerous marketing scheme and not a medical revolution,” says a LMC spokesperson. “I haven’t seen anything like this in my 20 years of medicine. Fads come and go, and there has never been a shortage of “medical concerns of the month,” but this Medimeat thing is a new one. We have people postponing possibly lifesaving procedures because they want to make sure that they get locally sourced heart valves. I can’t believe how many people have bought into this.”

Nonetheless, Medimeat founder Bob Abramo says he’s not surprised his tissues are in such high demand, and adds that he plans on expanding the company into home health and beauty products as well. Abramo says he became interested in medical applications for animal products after attending a conference on the subject a few years ago. “When it comes to medical uses for animals…well it’s like an all you can eat buffet. My butchers are the finest in the world. They’ve been trained to waste nothing when carving up an animal into its tasty bits, but it turned out we were leaving a lot of meat on the bone. When I leaned how many uses there was for what we were throwing away, or selling for animal feed, I realized that there was gold in those guts.”

Abramo says that he plans to expand operations to the mainland, and is thrilled that his passion for medical animal husbandry has resonated so well with the public. “If you wouldn’t eat it, you shouldn’t have it inside you,” he says. Despite Medimeat’s success in providing valves, tendons, and other various tissues, Bob says he’s still hungry, and plans to expand the business into the home health and beauty arena.

“In addition to saving lives, we want to save you time with our offerings. We’ve come up with some amazing things in our test kitchen combining health and beauty products everyone uses. I’m proud to introduce two new products to the Medimeat line: Abramo Wash and Bob’s No Stick Lotion. Luggage and bag space is at a premium for travelers, and surveys have found that campers are 25 times more likely to grill a meal than the average person. These products are designed for them. A shampoo, conditioner, body wash, and marinade, Abramo Wash is designed to set your mouth awash with flavor. Trust me, you won’t believe how good this stuff tastes. We use it in a number of dishes at the Chop House, and the response has been phenomenal. Put your favorite cut in a container of Abramo Wash, and you’ll have clean hair and plates. Our other product, Bob’s No Stick Lotion, is designed for campers and gilling enthusiasts. Nothing can dry out your skin like the great outdoors, and nothing is worse than watching a piece of meat tear into pieces because it’s stuck to your grill. Our lotion is the answer to both problems. It softens your skin, and prevents your favorite foods from sticking with one little dollop. Our lotion lets the true flavor of your meat stand out, while getting those grill marks that look so good. Whether it’s a life saving tissue, or a time saving product, Medimeat will be there to serve you.”

STORYLINE

Maui Councilman Embroiled in Trash Scandal

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To say that I was stunned by the news this morning is an understatement. Hearing that for the past few months our trash has been traveling to parts unknown because you’ve made a deal with a company that hasn’t been properly vetted is unacceptable. I’m trying very hard to believe that you were ignorant of the details, but that pill is getting harder to swallow by the minute. You’re just lucky that Veilcorp hasn’t weighed in yet. I can promise you that they will not be happy if you drag them into this mess. If my office is going to stay ahead of this thing I need you to start coming up with answers, because I have a lot of questions and the people need to believe that they can trust their mayor.

When you became chairman of The Solid Waste Resource Advisory Committee I had heard that you had a reputation of cutting corners. I had no idea how deep you were willing to cut. You’ve single-handedly thrown away all the goodwill we gained in the past 6 months. We are rebuilding Lahaina and the trust of its people. We survived hurricane Neki but I’m not sure we’ll make it through this unnatural disaster.

What were you thinking? I understand that there was a lot of refuse that needed to be disposed of after the storm, but you can’t possibly have thought that veiling tons of trash to war-torn areas was going to receive massive public support. Please don’t try and convince me that you weren’t even a little concerned about where the garbage was going. I’m having a hard time believing you didn’t know that you were selling it to one of those recycling cartels after seeing their bid was a third of the next highest. To be honest, the fact that you did it under my nose tells me almost everything I need to know.

I’m sure you know what these cartels do. They force people with no other options to sort through mountains of muck to find the more valuable pieces of filth. These people are involved in some really dark stuff. At some point you must have watched or read a report about the kinds of things these groups are bankrolling. Almost as bad, many of these groups end up dumping the trash they can’t use offshore or just leave it and move on to another area. It’s a human rights and ecological disaster. I had no plans to run a reelection commercial featuring war orphans shouting with joy because they found a bit of copper in a barrel of garbage, or a dolphin wearing a plastic “Lahaina Zipline Tours” bag like a vest.

You couldn’t have chosen a worse time. The people have been voting down waste to power plant proposals for over 40 years because they are very sensitive to environmental issues. Add to that all the recent concerns about Veilcorp’s Icarus project irradiating wildlife and causing sickness, and you a have a recipe for not just losing your job, but going to jail. I do not plan on going down with this ship because you found it convenient to punch garbage chutes into the hull. The political climate on these issues is very chilly and it seems like your plan was to wait until winter before forcing my office to march into a war.

I keep waiting for the Glimpsea guy to burst through the doors, point out the cameras, and tell me this is all some sort of sick joke. I need answers! I need to know what you knew and when you knew it. I want to know how these people contacted you and how long you’ve been talking. I’m sure law enforcement will be going through your financials. I don’t want to get anymore involved in this by asking about those specifics. Please, If anyone in my office worked with you on this catastrophe I want to hear about it now.

I’m going to keep this short and to the point. You just fed your political career a poison cookie, threw it off the top of a building and shot it multiple times on the way down. You better hope none of your mess splatters on me or my office. To be perfectly clear, you are fired immediately! I have appointed a local business man, Bob Abramo, as an emergency replacement. You have until noon to clean out your office, get your affairs in order, and turn over any relevant paperwork. I suggest that you leave the building before big Bob arrives.

STORYLINE

Manimal To Rebuild Lahaina Drainage System Damaged By Hurricane Neki

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Neki was a once-in-a-century hurricane, with record winds and tidal surges. The storm caused hundreds of millions of dollars in damages, and left thousands in its path without homes or utilities. The hurricane’s devastation has been unprecedented, but so has the vast outpouring of support to help rebuild Lahaina. While most of that has been in the form of food, water, and medical supplies, one company has promised to solve a major problem the county is facing after the storm. The Lahaina based Manimal corporation has offered to rebuild and improve the county’s combined sewer and storm drain system.

Many experts agree that the Lahaina drainage and sewer system was badly in need of an upgrade before Neki. The decades old system was outdated, and unable to keep up with the needs of a booming Lahaina. The hurricane only exacerbated existing issues, propelling them into the spotlight. The city says that by accepting the offer by Manimal, they will be able to return services much faster to the community, and avoid any secondary dangers that the broken system now presents. “While Manimal is rebuilding our wastewater system we can focus on clearing roads, providing shelter, and returning power to residents. It’s a matter of utilizing what resources we have in the best way possible,” says Mayor Albert Cravalho.

Manimal CEO Spencer Kane says that it’s an honor to help the town so instrumental in the story of the drink company.

“As the birthplace of Manimal, Lahaina will always hold a special place in our hearts. When we learned how much damage 100 mph winds can cause, we were blown away. It makes you really appreciate how dangerous ultimate windsurfing can be. I learned about the sewer issues when delivering some emergency Manimal for the relief effort. I couldn’t believe another potential disaster was just waiting in the wings, when it rains it pours! I knew we had do something, so I got together with our best people, and told the Mayor we’d help take care of it, in exchange for branding and marketing rights. He agreed, and our civil engineers have devised an extreme drainage system able to handle the most extreme weather, and I may be biased, but the manhole covers look great!”

A massive marketing campaign has already begun to drum up public support for the unusual agreement. Manimal is running a number of commercials about the project and branded manhole covers have already turned up in a few neighborhoods. While most are happy to have a working sewer as soon as possible, no matter who builds it, there are some who worry that the drink company might cause long-term damage to the system. One resident says, “I appreciate the offer but what does Manimal know about combined drainage systems? My cousin Randy basically lives on Manimal, and I wouldn’t put him in charge of stacking blocks, let alone building something we all count on. I can’t believe the mayor agreed to this! What’s next, the Hailoha Parks Department, or the Abramo Meat Police? Bringing in a B-list celebrity to go over a slide presentation won’t change my opinion on the project either.”

As part of the marketing campaign, Manimal has held a number of informational meetings, hosted by their spokesperson Tony “Half-Barrel” Kahale. Offering a chance to look at various manhole designs and mock-ups of the new system, the meetings have been a hit with residents who’ve been forced to live in shelters. “I’m just spreading a message of hope and hydration,” says Kahale. “As a 19 time World Manimal Drinking Champion, I know a lot about processing excessive amounts of fluids. Manimal and hurricanes can be almost as intense going out, as they are going in, and this new combined sewer design is up to the task. Our “Storm Off” inlets regulate the flow of runoff water to a level that even the old system could swallow, eliminating the chance of future flooding. Knowing how many people were injured because of a lack of emergency shelters, we’ve included a number of refuge rooms in our designs as well. Now, in an emergency, your safety is only a manhole cover away. Worried that you might get bored waiting out the emergency? Don’t be. Many rooms include things like short rails for grinding, quarter pipes to practice basic tricks, and plenty of free standing structures to practice your parkour. It’s our pleasure to provide the residents of Lahaina a sewer system as radical as their lives.”

STORYLINE

Drilling Crew Discovers 600-Year-Old Poi In Ancient Kitchen

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A drilling crew working in Western Maui made an amazing discovery, when they uncovered an ancient food preparation site, and over a dozen containers of poi. Held in handmade wooden vessels, the Hawaiian staple is thought to be over 600-years-old. While it is not unheard of to find ancient foodstuffs, it is extremely rare. Researchers say the amazingly well preserved poi is the oldest ever discovered, and the kitchen should yield valuable information about the life of ancient Hawaiians.

Last month, a Creek Propulsion’s crew was busy surveying an area as a possible geothermal well site, when they noticed bits of worked wood and bark cloth stuck in one of their drill bits. After some digging, the team discovered a wooden container filled with a solid purplish substance, and called experts at the University of Maui Lahaina College. A team from the college soon established that the site was part of an ancient kitchen, but it wasn’t until yesterday that the purple substance was identified. According to a Vereserum lab analysis, the substance found in 13 wooden pots was the world’s oldest poi.

“To be honest I’m not a big fan. To me all poi tastes like it is 600-years-old, but I’m sure whoever made this batch knew what they were doing,” says Chris Treadwell, Creek Propulsion’s Senior Vice President of Supply, Distribution, and Planning. “I’m proud of our team for having a sharp eye, and helping preserve this window into ancient Hawaiian life.” Chris says they turned over the site to Hawaiian officials and the university, but he remains in awe of the craftsmanship of the artifacts. “As an engineer I can appreciate the precision required to make these storage containers. You couldn’t just buy a bowl with a lid, or cling film when these people lived. If you wanted to store something, you had to make your own vessel. Whoever made these containers was extremely talented, the lids were perfectly air tight. It just goes to show you what someone with the time, and eye, can do with a set of basic tools.”

While Treadwill can’t speak highly enough about the craftsmanship of the ancient prep cooks, many others have expressed interest in the fruits, or in this case, poi, of their labor. A bidding war of sorts has begun this morning with Vereserum, the Lahaina Heritage Museum, the Office of Hawaiian Culture (OHC), and even Bob Abramo trying to get some of the ancient luau favorite.

“Most of my work revolves around agricultural and food sustainability, and this ancient poi may provide valuable information,” says Vereserum’s Head of research Dr. Adler Walters. “This poi predates Captain Cook’s visit by almost 400 years, and offers a glimpse at the nutritional value of the plants, and the climate before the beginning of the industrial revolution. Taro, the main ingredient in poi, has been grown in rich, volcanic soil for hundreds of years. This has led to the microbes living inside it to become highly heat and acid-resistant, making poi one of the best probiotic foods available. In fact, poi has significantly more beneficial bacteria per gram than yogurt. This poi may be the key to solving a number of common digestive problems and diseases, including food allergies, and infants suffering from failure to thrive syndrome. Our work on the Kukenroot plant has the potential to wipe out famine world-wide, and I believe study of any cultures that are still active in this poi, may be just as vital. Imagine if instead of making poi, you could just buy a taro root already mashed perfectly inside, and eating it would protect you from any stomach bug or malady. That is the potential sitting inside those old wooden bowls. We hope the State will give us access to this incredible find.”

Brandi Essen, Operations Manager of Abramo Holdings LLC., on the other hand, wants the poi for different reasons. “We want to serve it to people,” she says.

“You have to stay one step ahead of the competition in every business. That is especially true in the restaurant game. For some time we have been exploring the idea of a high-end Paleo feast concept, and this ancient poi would be the perfect side dish. We’re not talking about serving up a Komodo dragon on a platter, we’re talking about taking advantage of what the climate is making available to us. With worldwide temperatures climbing every year, more and more permafrost is thawing, and giving up well preserved ancient animals. It is only a matter of time before one is discovered that has enough meat on its bones to eat.

For years people believed that the Explorers Club served a mammoth found on Akutan Island, at their 47th annual dinner. It was the talk of the town at the time, and for over 50 years after the famous meal. While DNA analysis of a bit of the meat preserved by a guest, proved that the meal was actually green sea turtle, the idea of eating an ancient animal struck a chord with the public. Imagine if we could find active cultures in this poi, and use them to make more. Imagine the taste of a vinegar or fermented sauce made from this ancient food. Imagine the line around the block we’d have if we could offer people a true taste of our Hawaiian ancestors. You can’t put a price, or a freshness date on something like that.”

STORYLINE

The Abramo Meat Museum Is Unfit for Public Consumption

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After contacting representatives from the Department of Health, the Mayor’s Office, and the Better Business Bureau, it has become apparent to me that I will be receiving very little help regarding my complaints about the Abramo Meat Museum. Since the officials of Lahaina have shown that they have no interest in addressing this public hazard, I’m writing this letter-to-the-editor in the hopes that it will save at least one family from going through the ordeal that we have over the past few days. What was supposed to be a dream vacation has turned into a bloody nightmare. No matter what you’ve heard, or how fun you might think it would be, I urge everyone to stay away from this dangerously run disease factory.

For almost 20 years it had been a dream of mine to return to Lahaina with the extended family. Four generations of us have been married along the beautiful beaches, and I wanted to share my love of the people and this wonderful place with my daughter and her family. When we finally found a time that worked for everyone after all these years, it seemed like fate was finally on my side. Everything was spectacular for the first few days, until my grandson heard about the Abramo Meat Museum from the concierge at the hotel. He was obsessed. All he could talk about was visiting the “monument to all things meat.” Since I’m a fan of all things kitschy, I offered to take the kids and give my daughter and son-in-law a day to themselves. It was one of the worst decisions of my life.

I knew something was wrong immediately, but didn’t trust my instincts. When someone walks into the museum they are greeted with a sign that reads like the preamble to a manifesto: “Meat, the life giving flesh from tasty animals, has contributed to the welfare of man since the dawn of time. The muscle and sumptuous fatty tissues have supplied us with the protein we needed to build empires, and the energy necessary to construct the wonders of the world. Take a walk with us now down the road of meals past, back to the very first hunt and learn why we celebrate special occasions with a big juicy steak and not a salad.”

The museum does have an impressive collection of meat and butchery related objects, but it was not the delightfully quirky homage to meat that I was expecting. Instead, I found the exhibits to be full of misinformation and have an alarming seriousness to them that made me uneasy. While I was looking at a collection of blood-stained cleavers on the wall, my grandson asked if he could take his little sister to Oxtail Junction, the kids area of the museum. I told him to go ahead. That was my second huge mistake of the day.

After a few more minutes of looking at various butchery tools in display cases, I turned the corner to find my grandson staring at a mural with his mouth wide open. It wasn’t until I was standing next to him that I realized what it was we were looking at. This section of the museum was dedicated to stories of failed expeditions and people who were forced to practice cannibalism in order to survive. The mural was a horrific depiction of the Donner Party along with the recipe for something called, “Pioneer Meatloaf.” My grandson looked at me and asked, “If we get lost can we eat Trisha?” Before I could tell him that we would not be eating his sister, or explain that it was highly unlikely that those starving pioneers brought a meat grinder with them, I heard my granddaughter crying.

I found her in the kids area standing in front of a working meat slicer with her doll in one hand, and the doll’s feet in another. Sitting a few feet away was an obviously inebriated employee in an ill-fitting uniform with a star on his chest, and a ridiculously small hat. “I’m Sheriff Short Rib,” he croaked. I asked him how he could let a 4-year-old turn on a slicer and ruin her doll. I screamed at him about how irresponsible it was to have a working meat slicer in an area designated for children. His only response was, “We’d all have more fun if we followed the rules,” and pointed to a list on the wall. I couldn’t speak for a few seconds because I was so furious, but my anger disappeared when I saw my grandson run into the room chasing another little boy with a knife.

Before I could scream for him to stop, he smacked the other child in the back and yelled, “Tag!” It was then that I noticed the first child also had a knife. I stopped the pair and asked what on Earth they were thinking running around with knives like that, and they pointed to the next room were a number of children were chasing each other with various butchery tools. I turned to the sheriff and asked if he planned on doing anything about it, and he yelled out, “We’d all have more fun if we followed the rules,” and gestured vaguely to the list on the wall.

It was the final straw. I told my grandson that we were leaving and turned to get his sister. That’s when I noticed poor little Trisha was standing in front of the sausage casing machine, eating the mix straight out of the extruder, with a line of children behind her. I shrieked, and my grandson asked how many sausages I thought we could make out of his sister. To be honest, I don’t remember leaving. The next thing I recall is walking through the parking lot, carrying Trisha, and warning anyone who would listen, not to go in the museum. However, unbeknownst to me, I was not done dealing with the fallout of our 20 minute visit.

It was only a few hours later that Trisha started to become violently ill. While her brother asked me if I thought she was still safe to eat, I got directions to the nearest hospital. The doctors say it was the most aggressive case of food poisoning they had ever seen. I had to call my daughter to cut her day short, it was so severe. For the next 3 days they nursed Trisha back to health, and I had to explain to my son-in-law why his boy was suddenly obsessed with eating his sibling. When we called the museum to complain, they denied all responsibility saying Trisha was probably suffering from, “the meat sweats.”

Betsy Kaukau, a health inspector from the Department of Health, is the only official to take our concerns seriously so far. She says she will do everything she can to make sure another family doesn’t have to go through what we have. I’ve also contacted a lawyer and we’re looking into any, and all legal options. In the meantime, it is my hope that this letter forces other Lahaina officials to take action, and serves as food for thought to anyone thinking of visiting this disaster waiting to happen. In short, the Abramo Meat Museum is rotten to the core.

STORYLINE

Lahaina City Council Votes to Put Severe Restrictions On Ceremplant Use

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It many soon be illegal to use your Ceremplant while driving or crossing the street in Lahaina. The proposal passed with a 6-3 vote in favor with Councilmembers Bob Abramo, Annie Martin, and Ernest Malu voting no.

A number of larger municipalities have recently passed measures making Ceremplant use while driving punishable with a fine but the Lahaina law is by far the most stringent, covering a wide variety of activities. Proposal 7 would prevent pedestrians from using phones, pagers, cameras, handheld devices, computers, and Ceremplants while crossing the street. In addition it would further ban the use of those technologies while cutting hair in a salon, cooking food in a restaurant, applying a tattoo, or while working as a lifeguard in the city limits.

Those caught face fines of $200 for the first offense, and up to $1000 for a third citation. Supporters say that the proposal will hold pedestrians, motorists,and those working in the service industry accountable for their actions and help reduce accidents caused by distractions. They point out that in 2045 alone, 4,398 people were killed in distraction related crashes. Over 513,000 people were injured in crashes involving a distracted driver, and 16% of drivers involved in fatal accidents, were reported to be distracted at the time. Critics point out that there is a lot of data about distracted driving but almost none covering the other possibly prohibited activities. They call the proposal intrusive, unconstitutional, and a gross government overreach.

Kurt Bickley of the law offices of Suter, Stine, Burn & Partners (SSB&P) calls the proposal “ridiculous” and says that his office has already been contacted by a number of individuals about possible legal proceedings should the ordinance pass.

“I have listened to music many times while cooking dinner and I have somehow always managed to never stab myself in the eye because I was so enthralled with the chorus. This is nothing but the nanny state trying to exert its authority. They have no research, studies, or proof that Ceremplants interfere with many of the activities included in the proposal. They certainly don’t have a legal right to ban their use. I will concede that there is evidence that driving while distracted is more dangerous, but if we’re going to legislate driving based on numbers we should look at the fatality rates of elderly drivers too. The fatality rates of drivers over 65 is 20 times that of those 25-64. Using the city council’s logic we should start banning early bird specials at local diners since those promotions are killing thousands of grandmothers and grandfathers a year. Honestly the only place I’d want this law to apply is in the lavatories in the council building where I swear Big Bob has Ceremplanted himself in the stall for hours at a time.”

Besides the legality of the bill, there is the matter of enforcement. The Lahaina police say they will be using specially made scanning ammeters which will be able to “help officers determine when a subject is actively using their Ceremplant in a prohibited manner.” Critics point out that the scanners haven’t been properly tested for safety or efficacy. Many have concerns about possible health ramifications and damage to their implants.

Kimberly Hekili a senior at the University of Maui Lahaina College says she’s very concerned about the proposed law and the damage the scanners may do.

“My vlog, ‘A Day In the Life of Kim,’ has thousands of followers and it’s not fair to me or them to limit my ability to express myself. How will my fans know when I’ve gotten coffee and how I feel about it as I walk to class if I can’t cross the street? I assumed I could get a waiver since A Day In the Life is consistently in the top 10 of Hawaiian Vlogs, but the office was very rude to me when I called and was anything but helpful. I’ve also heard that those scanners might break your implant or scramble your brain. I find both of those possibilities unacceptable. I have collected almost 4 years worth of my Psi Pi Chi sister’s photos and memories with my Ceremplant. They say you can’t put a price on a memory but I bet my dad’s lawyer can.”

The bill will now head to Mayor Albert Cravalho’s desk. The Mayor’s Office will hear public comments on the proposal for two weeks before making a decision. If signed into law, enforcement could begin in July.

STORYLINE

Chop House Adds Skin-Eating Prawns To Menu

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There may not be a better place to get a steak on the entire planet. Bob Abramo’s Chop House has won numerous awards and the all-you-can-eat Long Pig Buffet is a pork lovers dream. However, the most recent item on the menu has some crawling in their skin. Since the beginning of the month, the restaurant has been selling The Kokua Wellness Center’s exfoliating shrimp to customers brave enough to eat them. Abramo says the shrimp are delicious and “perfect for those with an adventurous appetite.” Health officials have called the prawns “technically safe to eat.”

Bob Abramo is no stranger to unusual promotions or serving up a spectacle. His Meat Museum has been the talk of Lahaina since it’s opening a few months ago, but many say the prawn special is a plate too far. While Tahitian prawns are a common Spring-time treat for many Hawaiians the thought of eating ones that have fed on human skin and hair can be stomach-turning. According to those brave or foolish enough to order them, their unusual diet is a selling point.

Randy Wilcox is a self-professed adrenaline junky whose taste for thrills extends to what’s on his plate. He says that the prawns sit at the top when it comes to extreme foods.

“I’ve tasted it all and lived to tell about it. I’ve eaten so much fugu that my hands went numb. I’ve downed plate after plate of Sannakji and managed to keep the tentacles from suctioning themselves to my throat. I even ate half a wheel of Casu Marzu on a dare and didn’t get sick but these skin prawns are the bomb! Sure, all those other foods are exotic but the prawns have one big thing going for them that the others don’t. They are absolutely delicious! I’m not sure what it is about a diet of skin and hair that makes these things so sweet and juicy but Bob knows what he’s doing. I’m not worried about them making me sick, but I do wonder how they’d taste if you added some fingernails in the mix.”

Even though Mr. Wilcox clearly has no apprehension about the safety of consuming skin eating prawns, many have voiced concerns. Medical Director of the Lahaina Medical Center, Dr. Dahlia Forsythe says she understands the public’s unease but doesn’t think eating the prawns is dangerous to your health. “It’s just really gross,” she says.

“There are some really good biological reasons why cannibalism is taboo in virtually every culture and society. Eating other people can make you really sick. Kuru, a form of transmissible spongiform encephalopathy (TSE) caused by eating the brain of another human, is a disease similar to mad cow that can cause tremors, loss of coordination, and eventually death. There are a number of other prion diseases that can be transmitted through cannibalism as well as blood diseases like hepatitis, Ebola, and HIV. The good news is that it is highly unlikely that any of these conditions could be passed on through these prawns. Unless the spa is feeding whole bodies to these little guys, I don’t think there’s anything to worry about physically. However, I’d say that anyone who willingly wants to eat a shrimp that has been feeding on human skin and hair might benefit from some time with a good therapist. Seriously, there are better things to eat out there.”

For his part, Bob Abramo stands by his decision to serve Kokua prawns saying the taste and empty plates speak for themselves. Bob says he understands the attention but says the outrage comes from vegetarians and those with limited palettes. “It’s not like we’re hosting Donner Party dinners here,” he says

“I usually think of shrimp as a garnish. I prefer to eat proteins that don’t disappear in one bite, but when I heard about these Kokua prawns it got my stomach and brain churning. Waygu beef comes from cows fed large amounts of beer every day and some of the best hams in the world come from pigs who eat nothing but acorns right before the slaughter. I always say that meat is the spice of life and I started thinking about what prawns fattened up on people would taste like. I’m happy to announce that the answer is delicious!

We’re offering the prawns in three amazing preparations. Our Shrimp Grampy dips our biggest prawns in a tasty tub of garlic, butter, and fresh parsley to help wash your hunger away. Shrimp and Fritz pairs these sweet river treats with a handmade german style sausage and spaetzle. Of course, my personal favorite is the tempura sampler featuring three different dipping sauces inspired by our head line cooks. Customers can enjoy these lightly battered food dreams with a spicy Tilly oil, a tangy Chuck sauce, or a refreshing Brent yogurt dip. Whatever preparation you choose, you’ve won the culinary jackpot. Take a bite and I think you’ll agree that sometimes it’s good to have some hair in your food.”

STORYLINE

HealthCare Professionals and Parent Groups Start Petition Seeking Ban on Taste-T App

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Taste-T, the app designed to help you like the taste of foods you normally don’t care for, may be the biggest Ceremplant hit of the year, but not everyone is singing its praises. A coalition of healthcare professionals and parent groups have started a petition to have the popular app banned, and raise awareness to the “real and serious dangers of using Taste-T.” The app’s creator says the technology is safe, and poses no danger when used as released. Ceremplant officials say they are looking into the matter.

Alex James is no stranger to ceremplant users. His “Emotional Compass” (EC) app took the Ceremplant world by storm back in 2034, and still remains one of the most popular apps for users of the ubiquitous implants. Taste-T has sold twice as fast as EC in its first year. “I got the idea from my nephew who famously hates the taste of peppers. He wouldn’t touch anything with peppers in it, no matter how delicious. I wondered how hard it would be to train someone to associate a flavor they didn’t like with a flavor they did. I started investigating if you could transform a “bad flavor” reaction in the brain with a “good flavor” reaction, targeting specific areas with electrical stimulation. I learned quickly that there wasn’t much scientific study done in the area. If it wasn’t for the amazing work of Dr. Adler Walters, I’d still be working on the software. His discoveries about how the brain responds to taste, while working on the kükenroot, and his database of compounds found in edible plants, was vital to the development of Taste-T.”

Taste-T transforms the brain’s response to an unliked food to one that a user finds delicious, over the course of a few days. Once properly calibrated, the taste of every food can be your favorite. With record sales it looked like Taste-T was well on its way to be the most popular app ever made for the Ceremplant. However, users began to exploit an unfortunate flaw in the program, which allowed users to greatly enhance the brain’s pleasure response to certain flavors.

Soon, many were using “enhanced” versions of the app. Healthcare professionals say that using the enhanced version of Taste-T can be dangerous. While most experience a mild euphoria, a sense of relaxation, or an altered perception of time when tasting specific foods, many can experience much more drastic effects when eating certain items, particularly with first time users. Instead of relaxation and euphoria, some users can experience aggresiveness (asparagus), fear (tuna), or feelings of distrust (SSHAM). In extreme cases the altered app can lead to long-lasting disorders or even permanent rewiring of the brain according to some in the medical community. While Alex has since upgraded Taste-T to disable the exploit, parent groups say that it is easy enough to rollback the software to an earlier version if you know where to look. They say the potential for abuse is too high, and they want the app pulled from stores.

Well known Lahaina restaurateur and business owner Bob Abramo has banned anyone using the app from dining in his famous Chop House. “I take the art of grilling and preparing meat seriously, and want customers who appreciate the true taste of our offerings. Meat tastes good without the use of Taste-T, although I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little intrigued. I bet you could even make people taste like cured pork belly with the app, if you wanted.”

“It’s the kind of thing you think only happens to other families, not your own,” says one of the most vocal critics of Taste-T, 40-year-old mother Brenda Ronner. “My son Max never liked the taste of onions. It wasn’t an issue when he was younger, but as he grew up it started to become a real problem. Just about everything has onions in it, and he’d spend hours a week meticulously picking them out of food. We had to avoid certain restaurants all together because of their limited onion-free options. On his 12th birthday his father and I decided to finally do something about it, and get him the Taste-T app.” Brenda says it was one of the worst decisions of her life.

“Everything seemed fine for a few weeks. We went through the calibration phase, and soon he was loving the taste of: onions, shallots, chives, leeks, and even garlic. Our food options and future seemed wide open, but Max started hanging around with a bad crowd at school, biohacker Taste-T vegetarian kids with wifi studs in their foreheads, and LED eyebrows. His grades began to slip, and I started noticing onion skins in his room, but I didn’t think much of it at the time. Then he was caught trying to steal a head of garlic from the store, and the truth came out. Those kids had done something to his app, and he had been on a tasting binge for months. We took him to the doctor, and applied the upgrade. I thought I had my old Max back again, but I was wrong. A few weeks later, I came home early, and heard music blaring from his room. I could smell the onions halfway up the stairs, despite the towel he had put at the bottom of his door. What I saw will be burned into my mind forever. The reggae music was deafening, and there were half-chewed leeks everywhere. I even found a shallot in his underwear drawer. He was sitting in his chair with his eyes rolled back in his head, licking the biggest vidalia onion I’d ever seen. He was so out of it, he barely moved when I screamed his name. I want to save other mothers from seeing their sons like that.”

Brenda says they’ve had to enroll Max into an institutional learning facility equipped to deal with the issues caused by his Taste-T app, and she is not alone. Hundreds have claimed to have similar experiences to the Ronners, and many healthcare professionals say the potential for harm is high for those using the app. Ceremplant says they take their customer’s health and well-being seriously, and will address the petition after a thorough review of Taste-T, and their third party app policy.

STORYLINE

Bob Abramo Opens Meat Museum

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How much do you know about the food you eat? If you’re like most people, probably not a whole lot. While interest in locally sourced food and organic farming processes has increased greatly over the years, the day-to-day realities of modern farming and the history of food production remains a subject that most don’t know a lot about. Bob Abramo wants to change all that with the opening of his Museum of Meat History.

Built alongside his famous Chop House, Abramo says that the history of meat has consumed him from an early age and he looks forward to helping people devour the subject. He hopes the exhibits, “stimulate and inform visitors palettes, provide a better understanding of how important the big 3 meats (beef, pork, lamb) are to civilization, or simply offer a welcome distraction while waiting for your table to open.”

Upon entering the museum, visitors are greeted with a sign which reads:

“Meat, the life giving flesh from tasty animals, has contributed to the welfare of man since the dawn of time. The muscle and sumptuous fatty tissues have supplied us with the protein we needed to build empires, and the energy necessary to construct the wonders of the world. Take a walk with us now down the road of meals past, back to the very first hunt and learn why we celebrate special occasions with a big juicy steak and not a salad.”

While the museum may not be to everyone’s taste, the exhibits are interesting and informative. A walk through the “aisles of history” offers visitors an understanding of the contrast between today’s meat supply and a time when most had to rely on the hunting of wild animals. Special attention is paid to failed expeditions by pioneers and explorers such as the famous Donner party, explaining how creative butchering and better rationing could have saved some of those doomed to starvation. The exhibit walks visitors through the history of early butchering techniques and the amazing advances in meat science including faster-growing animals, more efficient culling techniques, and what deliciously grilled treats the future may hold.

“Mr. Abramo wants to make visitors hungry for history,” says assistant cureator Brandi Essen. “We go back to the very beginning. There has been a link made between meat-eating and an increase in the size of our brains. There’s evidence that neanderthals may have been eaten by anatomically modern humans, solidifying our place on the food chain. Some of our earliest tools were made to handle butchering. They’ve found bones with cut marks over two-and-a-half million years old. Even the ability to make fire was driven by a need to cook meat. Wars were fought over salt because it was so important when it came to fish and pork preservation. We dig in deep when it comes to the historical relationship between mankind and meat.”

“I understand that not everyone has the same passion for proteins that I do, I can get really worked up about it sometimes. Forget the dogs, don’t get between Me and my bones.” jokes Abramo. “I made sure to include some fun with a few interactive displays to let our visitors get their hands bloody so-to-speak. We even have a section for your little ones.” The “calves area” called “Ox Tail Junction” allows kids who might not appreciate the more academic areas of the museum, a chance to roll up their sleeves and engage more directly with their meals. They can play a number of meat-oriented games, help load wood into one of the restaurant’s many smokers, learn knife safety and the art of frenching a rack of ribs with Chef Brandi, or join the “Chopping Block Club” and adopt a locally raised piglet for later consumption. “I’ve always found that a meal tastes better when you can put a name to what’s on your plate,” adds Abramo.

On the way out, visitors can see all they learned in action by watching the Chop House’s experienced butchering staff break down animals into their delicious components before being served. The knowledgeable staff can answer any meat-related question you have, as well as give the secret to Bob’s perfect burger blend, and explain why you should always use natural casings when making sausage. While it may not be everyone’s cup of tea, Essen hopes visitors will have a bloody good time.