STORYLINE

Researchers Working On Method to “Clone” Your Favorite Meal

meat3.jpg

Most people have a favorite meal or a food they crave. Surveys have shown that the average diner chooses one of four regular options 90% of the time they go out to eat. While the number of our favorites may be small, their tastes can vary widely depending on many things such as: method of cooking, initial seasoning, and quality of product. The truth is not every T-bone tastes the same; but what if there were a way to save parts of a perfectly prepared meal, and have it duplicated exactly to your liking? According to biologist and food science researcher Thomas Mencken, that tasty dream may soon be a reality.

Son-in-law to Lahaina meat mogul Bob Abramo, Thomas says that he has always had a passion for pushing the boundaries of food science. “You don’t marry Bob Abramo’s daughter without having a serious love of all things grilled or broiled,” he says. In fact, it was his wedding cake that inspired his latest research.

“Like many couples we put part of our cake in the freezer after our wedding. We were so excited to share another wonderful bite together on our one year anniversary, that we could hardly wait for it to thaw. I remember the look in Brandi’s eyes when I fed her the first piece. That twinkle went flat, and the smile left her face as she struggled to chew. Then I took a bite. It was like chewing on a sponge. All the moisture was gone and the frosting was disgusting. Our memento of that day had turned into a crumbling nightmare. It was then that I knew we had to find a way to reproduce those special foods, and make them taste exactly the way we remembered them.”

With the help of his Vereserum partners that is what Thomas is doing. The researchers have devised a method to drape a stem cell matrix over organic latticing, to rapidly “grow” clones of food samples. The idea is that people would be able to save representative parts of a good meal, and have that meal reproduced exactly whenever they wish. Although the process is currently very expensive and it takes a few hours to grow a 10 oz. ribeye, Abramo Holdings spokesperson Brandi Essen says she is confident that customers will be able to eat cloned meals in her father’s chop house in the near future.

“While it’s true that these cloned meals taste like a million dollars, we’re trying to slightly lower their million dollar price tag. Our research is really cooking though, and I’m sure we’ll have figured out a way to make these meals faster soon, even if it may be awhile before they’re on the specials menu. Food holds a unique place in all of our hearts. There’s no denying that the smell of freshly baked bread, or bacon frying in a pan holds good memories for many of us. Pictures and videos may give you a glimpse of the past, but nothing satisfies your nostalgic cravings like a meal prepared just like your grandmother would make it. That’s what this work is about. Making the meals of your lifetime over and over again.

Whether it’s: facial recognition ordering, feeding Lahaina’s homebound, or providing free-range, 100% organic heart valves to patients, Abramo Holdings is always pushing the boundaries of food science. With the help of our Vereserum partners I’m sure that we’ll be able to offer these special memories on a plate very soon.”

Famed botanist and Vereserum’s Head of research Dr. Adler Walters admits that he was initially skeptical about the prospect of cloning meals for high-end clients, but is now excited about the possibilities the technology holds. “We’re basically making Nuuskin booths for meals,” he says.

“I’ve devoted most of my life to solving the global food crisis. Be it plants resistant to virtually all fungal and phytoplasmal infections, like the King Coconut or creating a comprehensive growable food source like the Kukenroot, my work has been focused on helping those most in need. You can imagine my surprise when I was told that the company wanted me to spend my precious time on cloning steaks for Lahaina’s rich and famous. It’s safe to say that my initial reaction was not a positive one. However, once Thomas explained his vision to me, and I saw the size of the check Abramo Holdings had donated to the research, I began to see its potential. I am confident that in the near future we will be able to produce life sustaining meals in the lab for food vulnerable populations, and maybe even recreate someone’s favorite fancy diner.”

STORYLINE

Chop House Creates Club Offering Weight-Based Pricing

burger.jpg

Bob Abramo has never been one to shy away from controversy, but a new promotion at his world-famous Chop House has many raising their eyebrows and loosening their belts. The recently unveiled Kahuna Club offers customers weight-based pricing on all their meals ranging from discounted drinks to complimentary appetizers and even free entrees for the restaurant’s largest patrons. Health advocates claim that the program glorifies an unhealthy lifestyle and eating habits, while Abramo says he’s just trying to reward good customers and celebrate the joys of living a big life.

You might notice that more than just the portion sizes are getting bigger at Lahaina’s iconic Abramo Chop House these days thanks to the restaurant’s new Kahuna Club. Customers who join are measured and weighed to obtain their BMI and determine if they’re eligible. Four tiers offer various levels of benefits. A BMI of 30, considered to be the baseline for obesity, is the minimum required to join the club and provides a discount on all drinks. The Big Kahuna’s, those with a BMI of 60+, enjoy the top spot in the club and can enjoy a free meal every day.

Despite criticisms, the restaurant says the program has been a big success with bookings going up over 30% since the club was announced. “We’re bursting at the seams,” says Abramo Holdings Manager Brandi Essen. She claims that the club was created to reward a group of people who are rarely given the recognition they deserve.

“The more you weigh, the less you’ll pay. The Kahuna Club is our way of rewarding some of our biggest and best customers. More than most, Bob understands what it means to live large and we’re just trying to celebrate those who understand that food is one of life’s greatest pleasures. The Chop House has always been a judgement, vegetarian, and booth free environment. We commissioned custom club chairs made from local koa wood and the same carbon fiber technology used in Kalani Custom Boards. These seats can handle our biggest customers as well as a tsunami but we decided that wasn’t enough. We want to acknowledge those big eaters who’ve helped us stay in business for so long and give them the credit and discounts they deserve. We’re putting the fun back into the words fat-free.”

Unsurprisingly many health and lifestyle advocates have condemned the club since the announcement and say that promoting unhealthy eating is reckless and ultimately damaging to those in the club. “It sends a terrible message and offers no vegetarian options on the discounted menu,” says Chef Craig Hoomaau, a certified nutritionist and transpersonal plating-arts instructor at the Kokua Wellness Center and Spa.

“Life is about balance and green vegetables, both of which are sorely lacking in these people’s lives. To celebrate the tainting of the spirit with buffets and piles of grilled meats is anathema to me. Instead of discounts, these people need phytonutrients and a thorough gastro-attunement to teach their cells to reject the evils of trans fats and embrace a complete tonal supplement regime. This celebration of excess needs to stop.”

“Instead of telling these people they need to change we should be celebrating their taste,” says Chop House owner Bob Abramo adding, “Trust me. These are the people you’d want to keep close in an emergency.”

“Almost as much as a piece of perfectly smoked pork, I appreciate excellence, and that’s what I see in the members of the Kahuna Club. These people are experts when it comes to finding and enjoying great meals. They say that mastery of an activity comes after 10,000 hours. I don’t know how many hours these Big Kahunas have spent eating but I can ensure you that they are enjoying at least 10,000 calories a day thanks in part to our club. Historically, these people used to be revered. This fascination with “healthy” eating has been a relatively new fad, and one I hope to chew up and spit out.

There are a lot of lightweights out there saying that joining the Kahuna Club is the same as fattening yourself up for slaughter. Not only is that incredibly offensive, but it’s just not medically true. We live in an amazing time where many of the diseases that once affected those living a food-forward lifestyle can be easily cured. Advanced stem cell therapy, tailored DNA technology, and cutting-edge tissue science allow us to live a completely meat-centric existence. These people aren’t misguided, they are at the bleeding edge of life. We want to help them get out there and devour everything the world has to offer.”

STORYLINE

Company Unveils Natural Casing Wrapping Paper Just In Time For the Holidays

lights.jpg

There’s good news for everyone with a meat lover or someone who appreciates the unusual on their shopping list this holiday season. A new all-natural alternative to wrapping paper is available for your gifts this year, festive sausage casing sheets. The brainchild of Lahaina meat-mogul “Big” Bob Abramo, the unconventional present wrapping went on sale this morning at all Big Bites locations, as well as the Chop House. Bob says the gift casings are a more ecologically friendly way to package your gifts, and are 100% natural and delicious.

It seems like every year there’s a new “It” gift that everyone is scrambling to buy, but Abramo hopes this year it’s what’s around your present that will get all of the attention. While some may cringe at the idea of decorating a gift for a love one with a product derived from animal intestines, Bob says his casing sheets are the future of gift giving, and are better for the environment than traditional paper.

Brandi Essen, spokesperson for Abramo Holdings says, “Unlike some companies that just go through the motions during the holidays, we continue to chew away at our goals and new innovations. This sustainable wrapping alternative is proof of our hard work, and we couldn’t be more excited.”

“Whether it’s riding at the forefront of tire technology, tackling the hunger problem with innovative outreach programs, or breaking new ground with our 100% natural, grass-fed medical valves and grafting tissues, Abramo Holdings has been a leader in meat-based technologies. Our wrapping casings come in four different colorful patterns, have a shelf life of up to two years, and are as tasty as they are festive.”

Despite Essen’s words many do not share her enthusiasm about the curious Christmas wrapping. Betsy Kaukau, an investigator for the Department of Health says the new product has the potential to be a “holiday horror story.”

“Not to be overly graphic, but we’re talking about wrapping a gift in a product made from pig guts, and sticking it under a tree for several days. You wouldn’t eat a sausage that had been left out that long because common sense would tell you that it’s no good. This is no different. I mean just touching it would be bad enough, but they are encouraging consumers to use the wrapping in meals later on. I know it comes with safe handling guidelines, but if you ask me the risk is not worth the reward in this case. I envision a lot of people running to the bathroom or the hospital this holiday season. If I had one tip for not getting sick this year, it would be to stay far away from Abramo wrapping casings, and just stick to traditional paper.”

Abramo on the other hand is quick to point out that his product follows all food safety guidelines, and comes with strict handling instructions, as well as 12 of his favorite sausage recipes, one for every day of Christmas. Bob says his casing sheets are not only a giant leap forward in food science, but also a big step in green technology.

“With our new casings you can really smell Christmas in the air. We’ve figured out how to “zip” and “unzip” proteins in natural sausage casings to produce sheets like you can with synthetic alternatives, and we only use 100% natural dyes and colorings. Our new gift wrapping has the flexibility of collagen sheets, however one taste lets you know that it isn’t manmade, but comes straight from the belly of a beast. Finally, that family member who always insists on saving the paper from their presents has a good reason to. The truth of the matter is that Americans use over 60 million tons of wrapping paper every year, spending over $8 billion annually. Most of that paper gets thrown away, and that model is unsustainable. Our product aims to take a big bite out of that pile of discarded paper, and you get the bonus of a great tasting sausage at the end. Our present casings are the best thing to happen to gifts, and Christmas dinner in years!”

STORYLINE

Fires Put the Future of Abramo “Meat and Greet” Program in Question

fire.jpg

The “Meat and Greet” program was supposed to offer Lahaina’s homebound a nutritious taste of the famous Abramo Chop House and a little companionship during the day. While the program launched with lots of fanfare and excitement about the unique Abramo mini grills, a number of complaints and mishaps have put the future of the program in question. Following a recent house fire, the third since its inception, the service has been temporarily halted awaiting a state review of safety practices.

There are thousands of food delivery programs serving millions across the country, but the Meat and Greet program promised to offer clients a unique experience by grilling their own meals. The service would deliver a specially made grill along with gel-flame heating cans, and a packaged meal to those unable to leave the home. For many, the program seemed like a perfect opportunity to enjoy a kind of meal unavailable in most home delivery programs, but many say the service is dangerous.

Critics contend that giving grills to people that don’t have the ability to leave the house is irresponsible. In addition, they say the heating cans are the cause of the three fires reported. Although nobody has been seriously hurt so far, the last fire destroyed the entire living room of a client’s home before it was extinguished. The State has ordered a stop to the program while a safety investigation is completed.

Despite the concerns, Brandi Essen, operations manager for Abramo Holdings LLC., says the program is perfectly safe and a great option for those who want to “spice up” their food options while being homebound. “Our goal was to offer our friends and neighbors, who have found themselves forced to stay at home due to age or illness, something other than the usual styrofoam cup of soup and stale sandwich wrapped in plastic. Our trained staff deliver the specially made Abramo mini-grills and a week’s worth of fuel on the first visit. We are careful to thoroughly go over all safety protocols and safe food handling practices. Staff never leaves until they are sure our clients have all the necessary tools to assemble their grills. After the initial setup, clients will experience the best meals we have to offer daily. We provide a variety of our artisanal Abramo sausages, juicy burgers from Bob’s Perfect Burger Blend with choice of cheese, pork ribs with 4 delicious sauce options, and a pack of our homemade cracklins or our famous foie gras chips with every visit. There may be other food options for the elderly and sick, but when it comes to taste, we’re all alone.”

Despite Essen’s assurances a growing number of people have called into question the nutritional quality of the meals. The son of one of the program’s clients points out that the meals his mother received “…contained 110% of her recommended daily caloric intake, most of that from fat, and 150% of her daily sodium. They include packets of vitamins so they meet the minimum nutritional guidelines, it’s irresponsible. I’m surprised they don’t include cigars.”

Betsy Kaukau from the Hawaii State Department of Health says the fires and the nutritional concerns are just the tip of the iceberg. “I was shocked when I started looking into the program,” she says. “These fuel canisters have not been approved for direct use with food. In fact we’ve had numerous reports of fuel leaking onto meals, making them dangerous to eat. For many of these people, this is the only meal they will get in a day, and it is unreasonable to expect them to be able to properly cook it themselves. Many have become sick from improper ventilation and undercooked pork products. I believe the fires may be one of the safest aspects of the Meat and Greet service.”

Founder Bob Abramo vehemently denies that the program is unsafe, and says that the halt in service is a gross government overreach. “Since the dawn of time people have felt the need to apply fire to meat. We just want to help people who might have thought that they’d never get a chance to BBQ at home again, a chance to taste flame charred goodness.” He adds, “I keep hearing that our fuel is dangerous, or our food is dangerous, but lots of things can be dangerous. I don’t think that we should put these people in little pens for protection. These were free range people, and we feel this is a great way to help them have a taste of freedom again. I care about our customers breakfast, lunch, and dinner, not just around election time like these career politicians and government employees. The truth is we may be serving some their last meal, and I think they deserve something meaty and juicy. I believe the elderly of Lahaina have been aged to perfection and deserve the joy only fire and choice cuts of meat can provide.”

STORYLINE

Judge Approves $9 Million Settlement in Abramo Butchery Academy Lawsuit

law2.jpg

A federal judge in Honolulu has given her final approval to a $9 million settlement to litigation brought against The Abramo Butchery Academy, a butchery and food preparation program owned by Bob Abramo. Members of the class action suit say that contrary to Mr. Abramo’s promises in the wildly popular ads that “it doesn’t matter if it runs, walks, or crawls, you’ll learn to butcher it all,” the Academy provided “virtually no useful instruction.”

The lawsuit argued that Abramo defrauded students, some of whom paid more than $10,000 to participate in the seminars, with false advertisements promising that they would: learn from Abramo’s vast personal knowledge of meat preparation techniques, that he would hand-pick seminar instructors, and that he would personally oversee video lessons. In depositions regarding the suit, Abramo acknowledged he didn’t choose instructors or even know how many video lessons were included in the curriculum. In addition, some students claim that the program taught controversial theories about meat handling practices and provided students with “no usable skills.” According to a few enrollees, some of the lessons were downright “bizarre.”

Abramo Holdings spokesperson Brandi Essen disagrees with that characterization. A graduate of the program herself, she holds a “Masters Carving License” from the academy and says she’s proud of her education and the program. She concedes that some of the meat handling techniques taught in the program are “unusual,” but says the industry has failed to keep up with the instruction provided by the school.

“We focus on whole carcass butchery, something that most people, even chefs, know very little about these days. We still believe that our students were provided with a quality education, learning proper blade maintenance, marbling theory, and advanced deboning techniques. I’m especially proud of our instructional videos, “Fat Cap Philosophy” and “The Problem With Silver Skin,” in particular. We stand behind the thousands of professional chefs, butchers, and backyard barbecue enthusiasts, who are happy with the education we provided.”

The settlement had been endangered after one former student, Kevin Morrow, argued that he should be allowed to opt out of the agreement to continue litigation against Abramo himself. He was upset that the settlement did not require Abramo to apologize and admit fault in the case. In addition, Morrow wanted Abramo to promise that the he would change the grilling methods taught in the class, calling them “irresponsible” and “reckless”. However, other former students who had started the class action suit wanted the settlement to move forward. U.S. District Judge Josephine Ulu ruled Monday that the settlement was “fair” and would move forward. In her written opinion, Ulu said that many former students will recover 80% of their tuition, an amount that she called “extremely fair.” The settlement will be available to more than 1,000 former students and would be payable in check or in credit at any Abramo store or restaurant.

Despite the judge’s decision in the case, Mr. Morrow says he still plans on investigating other legal options. He says,

“I thought that learning to butcher and cook an animal properly would help endear me to my neighbors. I have some trouble meeting new people and thought the smell of grilled ribs would entice them to come over for a visit. Everything seemed to be going fine at first, but as the meat continued to cook I could feel the mood change. Following what I learned in the curriculum, I wrapped the ribs in tinfoil and reduced the heat before talking to the kids about how human and pig anatomy was so similar. With my tongs and carving knife, I pointed out where the choicest cuts were in the children, and guessed at how many pounds of dressed meat they’d produce. I thought that I could get at least 12 good-sized filet steaks from Tom, the oldest boy. However, I had no idea how strongly some people must feel about wrapping ribs in foil. Before I knew it, they gathered up the family and left without saying a word.”

Morrow claims that instead of giving him the skills and confidence necessary to become a great griller, the program left him ostracized and shunned in his neighborhood. “The fallout from the rib incident has been dramatic. As a practicing amateur sociologist, I notice things that many people miss. Most communication is non-verbal and the actions of my neighbors speak loudly. I’ve noticed parents grabbing their children’s hands extra tightly when going past my house and walking extremely fast as they pass by. I see people whispering when I’m around, and my neighbors avoid me at all costs. My dream of hosting lavish backyard barbecues have literally been foiled by the irresponsibility of Mr. Abramo.”

STORYLINE

Addressing the Fallout From Mr. Sprinkles’ Visit

piglet.jpg

Good morning Mr. Pua’a. Let me start out by expressing my regret about the tone of our interactions over the past few months. I take my job here at SSHAM very seriously and I’m proud to run the breeding and nursing facility. I agree with your vision of the future and the important part that the shrigs have to play. I understand how much money the company has put into their development, I consider protecting their well-being to be my primary goal. That’s why I was so shocked that you had decided to give Mr. Abramo and his daughter Mrs. Essen a tour of the facility. Given the secret nature of our work here it seemed a strange move. When I saw that his daughter had brought her pet pig, I had to speak up. I apologize about our exchange in front of them, but I felt strongly at the time that the introduction of another animal would have an impact on the shrig’s egg-laying cycle. Now it appears I was right, but not in the way I had expected.

I believe Building S is the most advanced animal husbandry facility in the world and I’m very proud of it. When I started working here we had one crazy idea: combine a shrimp and a pig to create an animal that would have little environmental impact and would be easy to raise anywhere there was access to water. Today we have a thriving population of shrigs. Unfortunately, because of the nature of their existence and the public’s opinion on genetically modified foods, we have to ensure the secrecy of the program. I did not understand why you would allow strangers and another animal in without giving us a warning, or discussing it with me first.

Of course, I had heard of Mr. Sprinkles before. I had watched him in the news visiting the hospital on Molokai, helping to raise the spirits of patients there. I even vaguely remembered that Mr. Abramo’s daughter had become his owner and had used him as the ring bearer in her wedding. What I wasn’t prepared for was just how shiny he was in real life and his energy level. He was like living glitter and was zipping around everywhere making me concerned about the shrig’s reaction.

I tried to personally keep an eye on him, but Mr. Abramo’s passion for what we are doing here sucked me in. We must have been discussing the shrig life-cycle for almost an hour when I heard the squeals, shrieks, and a horrible sloshing sound coming from the main holding area.

I thought that my concerns had come true and I’d find bits of sparkly skin stuck in the slots of the fencing where the shrigs had pulled Sprinkles through. Instead, I found that the little pig had somehow lept the fence and was running about the pen while the shrigs squealed. It looked like they were playing. Brandi apologized and some of our technicians removed Sprinkles, but it was clear to everyone that it was time to go. We scrubbed the fencing and quarantined the animals Sprinkles had contact with, just in case he had brought in a pathogen but all seemed well. 94 days later we learned that Sprinkles wasn’t just playing in that pen.

The first hatchling with an iridescent pattern was brought to me immediately. By the end of the day, we had 23 shimmering little shrigs, all from sows that had been in the pen where we found Mr. Sprinkles. By the end of the week, the number had grown to 54. They averaged 15% smaller than the usual shriglet and didn’t seem to be able to filter feed like a purebred of their kind. All I could think of was the millions of dollars wasted and whether or not the mothers would still be viable since their breeding has been so difficult for us. While the little things were beautiful to look at, we’re creating food for the future here, not boutique pets. Then it occurred to me. We had 54 hatchlings from 7 mothers. Even though they were a bit smaller, that was an incredible insemination rate. He may be small and glossy, but that little pig is packing something powerful.

I think it would be in our best interest if you reached out to Mr. Abramo and Mrs. Essen to discuss the possibility of using Mr. Sprinkles’ services again. Of course this time we would conduct the coupling in a more controlled environment. We need to determine if there is something special physically that he is doing, or if his amazing fertility is a result of his extensive genetic manipulation. I have no idea what an appropriate stud fee would be since obviously, this is a unique case. Perhaps Mr. Abramo would be amenable to signing a confidentiality agreement and we could provide him with one of our older nonbreeding sows. Clackers hasn’t laid a viable clutch in months, so losing her wouldn’t be a major loss to the program. Everyone knows how obsessed he is with eating, the man created a museum dedicated to meat after all. I think if he discovers how delicious shrig shumai is, we should have no problem setting up an arrangement. Judging from the noises coming from the pen that day, I don’t think Mr. Sprinkles would complain either.

STORYLINE

Tourists Gobbling Up “Mouthful” Software

meat.jpg

Love him or hate him, if you spend any time in West Maui chances are you’ve heard meat-mogul and entrepreneur “Big” Bob Abramo. If you haven’t, you soon will. “Mouthful” a popular new voice app offers users the chance to replace the notifications and sounds on their electronic device with the voice of Bob Abramo. Tourists are eating it up despite complaints from many local business owners, making it one of the most popular apps on the island.

Free if you download the Abramo Chop House’s Customer Assistant AI (CRAIG), Mouthful allows users to hear the Lahaina fixture read you the news, give directions, report the weather, give grilling tips, and even tell jokes (of an adult nature). With almost 30% of visitors actively using Mouthful, Abramo seems to have another hit on his hands.

“Mr. Abramo has been the face of Lahaina for a long time. It’s just natural that he’s the voice now too,” says Abramo Holdings Manager Brandi Essen. She adds, “Forget Veilcorp, Eric Oeming, or the preservation zone when most people come to visit they think of Big Bob Abramo. The Lahaina Zipline Tour is the most popular outdoor attraction on the island, Big Bites stores provide a unique snacking experience for millions every year, and the Abramo Chop House is a destination eatery, serving the world’s finest grilled meats. Bob with a side of fun is the bread and butter of the Lahaina tourist industry. Mouthful offers visitors a chance to listen to one of the most trusted voices on the island, and have a few laughs along the way.”

While the app is a smash with tourists, having Bob’s signature voice and outlandish personality coming from your phone is not everyone’s taste. Critics say the app is vulgar and not representative of the true Aloha spirit of the islands. “Uncle” Ralph Umeke owner of the popular Hula Noodle has banned people using the app from eating in his restaurant.

“The face and voice of Lahaina? More like the belly and jowls. That thing is constantly telling dirty jokes and there isn’t any sort of built-in filter to clean it up. The only saving grace is the smacking noises and grunts it makes covers up a lot of the profanity. It’s as awful as its creator and just like him, it’s not allowed in my shop.”

Other’s are concerned about the image that Mouthful portrays about West Maui. Elizabeth Stonegate, HOA President of the exclusive Tanager Lane neighborhood, worries that the app “sends the wrong message about Lahaina”.

“It’s just the worst thing I’ve ever heard. I couldn’t believe my ears the first time someone was using it around me. I will admit that they cook a good steak at the Chop House, but it’s also the kind of place where you can get a drink served in a pineapple. That kind of kitschy nonsense is exactly what many of us have fought hard to change around here. I held an emergency meeting of the HOA board and thankfully we were able to ratify an immediate ban of Mouthful inside the walls of the neighborhood. Feel free to tailgate in your driveway, drinking bologna beer and listening to your vulgar figurehead if that’s the kind of life you want to live, but we have standards in Tanager Lane.”

Despite the criticism, Abramo says he lets Mouthful speak for itself, and doesn’t plan on changing the tone of the app. If anything he thinks it doesn’t go far enough.

“Mouthful is the cherry on top of the customer assistance sundae we began with CRAIG. The public loves honesty and that’s what they get with Mouthful, of course, it doesn’t hurt that it sounds like me. If you’re lost or looking for something to do in Lahaina you don’t want to have to wade through options and alerts, you want to cut straight to the beating heart of the matter. Help and advice have never sounded better. If you want the real scoop about life in Lahaina, information about shows and entertainment, or just want to get tips on how to avoid vegans Mouthful is for you.”

STORYLINE

Wedding Annoucements: Brandi Essen and Thomas Mencken

rose.jpg

Brandi Essen and Thomas J. Mencken were married on Friday, Jan. 8, 2049 at the beautiful Lahaina Mission. Following the wedding, Brandi and Thomas’ reception at Robert Abramo’s Chophouse on Aloha Shores was attended by more than 300 friends, family, and customers. Specially raised suckling piglets were served at each table to help celebrate the island’s most highly anticipated nuptials.

Brandi is the daughter of Robert Abramo and Susan Essen-Abramo of Lahaina.

Brandi was accompanied by her sisters and maids of honor, Olive and Brie Essen. Rosemary “Gravy” Abramo, who is 94 years young and Brandi’s paternal grandmother, was the honorary matron of honor. During the ceremony “Gravy” gave a speech recounting Brandi’s early interest in encased meats, telling those assembled of Brandi’s love of a toy hotdog named “Frank”. She told the giggling crowd that, “She loved that thing so much that we joked she’d get married with Frank in her pocket. I’m happy to say that I was wrong, and a little ashamed to admit that I checked just in case.”

The bridesmaids were Saffron Todd and Clementine Bergeron.

Thomas is the son of Douglas and Becky Mencken of Baltimore. He was accompanied by his two brothers and best men, Finn and Jim Mencken.

The groomsmen were his childhood best friends Sam Leco, Sidney Hammond and Mark Leco.
During the wedding, Nori Cavanagh, Brandi’s aunt, and Polly Philbin, Thomas’s older sister, recited prayers and sang. Madeleine McCutchan, Brandi’s godmother, and Joe Mencken, Thomas’s godfather, presented the couple with a rare Iberian “Manchado de Jabugo” ham. Amy Philbin and Mr. Sprinkles, Thomas’s niece and Brandi’s pet pot-bellied pig, were the flower girl and ring bearer.

Brandi is a graduate of Lahaina High School, Class of 2029, and attended the Culinary Institute of America. She holds a masters carving license from the Abramo Butchery Academy and is the operations manager for Abramo Holdings LLC.

Thomas graduated from Baltimore Polytechnic, Class of 2005, and studied evolutionary biology at Johns Hopkins University. He is an associate professor of regulatory food sciences at the University of Maryland, currently on extended sabbatical.

Brandi and Thomas share a lot in common other than their love of industrial-sized freezers. They officially started dating after meeting more than three years ago at the grand opening of Lahaina’s Big Bites store. Thomas plans on moving to Lahaina within the year. Brandi plans on taking some time off to write a book on various knife sharpening techniques.

The bride’s specially made purple allium and crackling bouquet was caught and quickly consumed by her grandmother Gravy. In lieu of flowers, the Chophouse was decorated with a variety of edible arrangements and meat platters. They were enjoyed by guests and customers throughout the event.

The groom’s best men and family chose not to deliver a speech during the reception, instead Brandi’s stepfather Bob Abramo spoke for both families. He told those assembled that he never imagined meeting someone who shared his passion for meat, so he “decided to raise one.” He thanked all the guests and provided everyone attending a year-long pass to the Lahaina Zipline Tours. Raising a toast to the new couples happiness, Bob warned Thomas in jest that he had, “A special meat grinder in the back of the kitchen for men who break my little girl’s heart.”

Brandi and Thomas currently reside in Lahaina with their pig, Mr. Sprinkles. They both love traveling and plan on enjoying their honeymoon, sampling buffets from around the world.

STORYLINE

Big Bites Stores To Offer Healthier Grab-and-Go Options

burger.jpg

New healthier options are on the shelves of every Big Bites store in Maui. The popular convenience store kicked off a partnership this week with the Department of Health’s “Healthy Hawaii” campaign. The initiative aims to give Hawaiians easier access to healthier food and beverage choices. Items that meet guidelines set by the department will be marked with a Healthy Hawaii label.

“One of the biggest hurdles for eating healthy is time. We’re all busy, running from place to place during the day, or trying to grab a bite 15 minutes before work. Usually, the only thing ready to eat that fast isn’t the best for you. Our goal, with the help of our partners, is to provide numerous fast, healthier options for busy Hawaiians,” says a Department of Health spokesperson.

Big Bites Operations Manager Brandi Essen says she is excited about the initiative. “Honestly, being able to create new foods and improve on old favorites is a lot of fun. When you couple that with helping people live healthier lives it’s a win-win situation.” Essen say that the stores will still “cater to carnivores,” allowing customers to grind their own sausage, and choose from the largest jerky and pickled meats selection anywhere on Maui, but now they will also have some healthier versions of customer favorites.

“We’ve tweaked the recipes to a number of items. Our energy mix now contains 30% less lardons, our foie gras chips are now fried in soybean oil, we’re offering a low sodium version of our famous candied corned beef bites, and we even have sugar free cracklin slushies to wash everything down. In addition, we’ve expanded the variety of items we wrap in bacon. We’re wrapping bacon around almost anything that grows now, to help our customers get all the fruits and vegetables they need during a busy day.”

Despite Essen’s enthusiasm not everyone is excited with the news that the Big Bites stores have been allowed to join the program. Chef Craig Hoomaau, a certified nutritionist and transpersonal plating-arts instructor at the Kokua Wellness Center and Spa, says the store’s products shouldn’t qualify for the program. “These items are in no way healthy. They are just healthier than the delivery systems of fat, salt, sugar, and preservatives that pass for the normal fare at the Big Bites stores. Unfortunately that’s all you need to qualify. I’ve made healthy living my life’s work. I was hired as a consultant when the government began this program last year so it’s very personal to me. Despite his reputation, Abramo doesn’t scare me. He knows that his food is dangerous and shouldn’t be included in the initiative. If I have any advice to people looking for healthy food in a Big Bites store it would be to run and keep running. Be active and make common sense food choices, like avoiding anything served at an Abramo business.”

Unsurprisingly, Big Bites owner Bob Abramo says that his products meet all guidelines for the program, and are in no way dangerous or unhealthy to eat. He says that he is simply offering nontraditional health foods to his customers and any complaints about his stores participation can be attributed to misunderstanding and jealousy .

“Hoomau is just upset that his classes are as empty as his plates, while I run the most successful meatery the island has ever seen. I will say that I am a bit surprised that he and his fellow grass drinkers had the energy to critique my business. It takes guts to take me on. Unfortunately for “Chef” Craig, I’m an expert in guts. I work with them everyday and I don’t mind getting my hands dirty. If Hoomau doesn’t want to find himself served up on a platter, he should focus on his own survival and not concern himself with my stores. I provide food for the top of the food chain, not for the things that run away. I suggest that Hoomau take his foamer, his plate brush, and his anemic ideas home before he bites off more than he can chew. There’s a pecking order on the island and Craig needs to understand that he’s been lucky so far. I didn’t know who he was until he started to squeal. Now that he’s put himself in my sights, it’s only a matter of time before I put him on my menu.”

STORYLINE

Chop House Debuts Next-Gen Facial-Recognition Ordering System

meat_2.jpg

You’re out at your favorite restaurant but you can’t decide between the steak or the fish. You order an appetizer in the hopes that you’ll have made a choice by the time it comes out, but 10 minutes later you’re staring at a bowl of cooling artichoke dip, no closer to a decision. It’s one of the most common problems a person deals with when going out for a meal, but the Abramo Chop House may have a solution for those of us who have a hard time deciding. A new hi-tech facial recognition system, integrating the restaurant’s Customer Resource Artificial Intelligent Guide (CRAIG), promises to change the way we order food forever.

The Dish Fulfillment system monitors a customer’s face as they look over the menu, and remembers what items they like. A matrix of small red dots is projected from the special ordering module installed at each table that measures and remembers the topography of a patron’s face as they read over each menu item. The system notes microexpressions, and subtle facial changes converting the data into a “satisfaction” number that can be used to determine what meal a person wants most.

In addition, the software remembers past visits and meals, creating a library of likes and dislikes for each individual customer. “Eventually, we want the system to scan a returning customer as they walk in, and put their order in before they even sit down,” says Brandi Essen, Operations Manager of Abramo Holdings LLC. However, if online reviews are any indication, Lahaina may not be ready for bleeding-edge ordering technology.

Negative reviews about the system have been pouring in since its unveiling over the weekend. With complaints ranging from wrong orders, to automatic selection of higher-priced menu items, and the distracting nature of eating a meal with red dots projected on your face. Many are wondering why the popular eatery didn’t address more bugs before the system’s rollout.

“Whenever you start a new program, there’s going to be a few issues to work out, but we feel the Dish Fulfillment system is far superior to any other ordering method you’ll find on the island today,” says Essen. She further points out that changes have already been made to the ordering process.

“We’ve eliminated the mouth sensors that measured saliva production because our facial recognition software is so advanced that we really didn’t need it, and we agree that they made conversation difficult. We’re currently working on a way to dim the dots during the meal, but I think that eating with a few visual facial markers is a minor sacrifice when you look at what you get in return. For those few who were blinded, I just have to say … tough it out, vision usually returns within 48 hours. Just like the heart, the stomach knows what it wants, even if the brain gets in the way sometimes. Dish Fulfillment can recognized your inner cravings and desires. With our integrated ordering system, your perfect meal is as plain as the nose on your monitored face.”

While there are plenty of negative comments about overpriced dishes, and unwanted orders the reviews are just as critical about the restaurant’s CRAIG integration. The Chop House AI has had a bumpy rollout, especially amongst locals, over the past few months, and that trend appears to continue. Tourists Bret and Spring Casey say their experience with the Dish Fulfillment system was bad from the beginning, but CRAIG’s “taunts” made their meal unbearable.

“It was weird, but I could live with the dots all over Bret’s face. I knew things were going off the rails though when it came time to review our order,” says Casey. “Apparently we wanted the largest and most expensive cuts of meat on the menu, with the most expensive sides, despite the fact that we had a huge lunch a few hours earlier. My husband is allergic to shellfish, but the system kept insisting that he wanted a double order of crab legs. CRAIG told us that most allergies were actually psychosomatic, but there was a hospital close by just in case. It got worse when I said I wanted my filet cooked medium-well. I’m not a fan of bloody meat, but CRAIG refused to complete our order until I placed one that was “edible”. The last straw for us was the contact after we left. Despite how unenjoyable our experience was, we still left a good tip, but apparently not good enough for CRAIG. It sent us multiple messages about how “a meal this good deserves at least a 20% gratuity.”

Amid the wave of negative press, Mr. Abramo has been uncharacteristically reserved saying, “Facial recognition science is a fast-growing field and the technology gets better and better every year. The Dish Fulfillment system is the future of food. I’ve learned to trust my gut above all things, and my gut tells me this is about people not being comfortable with their true dietary dreams. Everyone is so obsessed with fake health concerns, that we’ve abandoned our deepest dining desires. When it comes down to it, we all want to tear into big chunks of grilled meat. We want to order a side steak with our diner and not be ashamed. I not only embrace my inner carnivore, I feed it. I feed it well. I try not to be bound by plating conventions and recommended daily allowances. I eat what I truly want, and all I want is for happy customers to eat too!”