STORYLINE

Magnetic Resonance Device Promises to “Taste” Meat For You

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Researchers from the University of Maui Lahaina College have developed a handheld device that promises to “taste”, and determine the quality of meat without having to cut into it, or put it in your mouth. The device uses the same magnetic resonance imaging technology used in common medical tests to determine the meat’s density, doneness, and many other flavoring characteristics. Building on research started by Spanish scientists almost 30 years ago, the researchers hope to improve their prototype, and make a commercially available version by the end of the year.

Most commonly associated with diagnostic medical procedures looking at organs and other structures inside the human body, magnetic resonance imaging (MRI) has been used by a handful of specialty meat purveyors for several years. However, until now the technology has been too bulky to be of practical use for consumers.

“Our biggest breakthrough has been in the size of the device,” says lead researcher Brad Acosta. “The device can scan an average sized steak in less than 30 seconds. Once it has properly imaged the piece of meat, the results are analyzed with computer vision algorithms to get a series of numerical scores. We use these scores to predict the quality and characteristics of the meat in question. Our technology allows consumers to accurately know such things as: the amount of fat, moisture, internal color, doneness, marinade perfusion, optimum aging, and salt diffusion. It really takes all the guesswork out of the grading process, and can tell you how delicious a piece of meat is going to be before you take a bite. Our goal is to help consumers make the most of their food dollar, and we hope to see one in every kitchen some day.”

However, not everyone is sold on the idea. Brandi Essen, Operations Manager of Abramo Holdings LLC says that the last thing an enjoyable dining experience needs is another gadget. “Walk into any restaurant tonight and count how many people aren’t eating, but are taking pictures of their food. I can’t begin to guess how many entrees we had to warm up, or re-fire every night before Bob instituted a “no phones” policy in the Chop House; and don’t get me started about the pocket meat thermometer crowd. The truth of the matter is, Mr. Acosta demoed the device for us in the restaurant a few weeks ago, and we were far from impressed. There seemed to be a number of glitches and some questionable readings. On top of that, there are still some very serious questions about his devices’ safety. This technology might be useful and safe someday down the road, but from what I’ve seen, we’re not there yet.”

Despite Essen’s misgivings, Acosta says he stands behind his team’s technology, pointing out numerous studies of the device highlighting its efficacy. As far as safety is concerned, Acosta says that MRI technology has been safely used by medical professionals for over 70 years. “If there were a health risk, we would have discovered it by now. What this is really about is a fear of technology and change. Every new discovery is met with anxiety and panic by a few, look at all the protests when veil technology was first introduced to the public. We’re confident that with time and use, the public will see the utility of our device.”

Bob Abramo doesn’t see it that way, and says that in addition to the safety concerns, he has a philosophical issue with Acosta and his team.

“First, let me dispel this notion that I’m somehow afraid of mixing food and technology, nothing could be further from the truth. We use the most advanced oil filtration techniques in the industry, we have patents on the processes we use to make our marinades, and our line of edible health and beauty products represent the cutting edge of tasty wellness technology. However, I’ve seen this device in action, and in my opinion it was a complete failure

As a joke we scanned Doug, one of our line cooks, and it determined that he was delicious, tender, with just the right amount of salt, but slightly underdone. It was ridiculous! Doug is a chain smoker, and his diet is full of packaged snacks and Manimal. There’s no way he’s not overly salted, with a chemical aftertaste.

Despite all that, my main issue with Acosta’s team is a philosophical one. Every piece of meat has a story to tell. From the lowliest chuck roast to the finest Iberian ham. They all have their own character, smell, and journey to your plate. I don’t believe that a machine can quantify the metaphysical and intangible qualities of a piece of meat that can make it truly great. There’s a reason that the finest things on earth like wine and gems are graded by people yet. I don’t see a well marbled steak as any less magnificent than an IF graded diamond. A good piece of meat, perfectly cooked, can’t be quantified by a machine, it should be enjoyed as an act of pure personal consumption.”

STORYLINE

Chop House’s Customer Assistant AI a Hit With Tourists

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It seems like every business is using AI for customer interactions these days, from the SSHAM customer service hotline, to the automated city hall kiosks, if you need help, chances are you’ll talk to a machine. Now, one recently released AI assistant, from an unlikely business, is stirring things up in Lahaina. I am speaking of course of CRAIG, the Abramo Chop House’s customer appreciation helper. The AI has become a huge success with tourists, and a thorn in the side of many local business owners.

The Customer Resource Artificial Intelligent Guide (CRAIG) app has only been available a few weeks, but has already become hugely popular, particularly with tourists lucky enough to get a reservation at the Abramo Chop House. Accessible only to customers of the restaurant, CRAIG acts as a tour guide and concierge, booking appointments, giving directions and answering questions about Lahaina. However, it’s the way that CRAIG helps, and the AI’s attitude that has many area business owners upset.

“With over 30 years of experience as a business owner, and a seat on the Lahaina City Council, nobody knows Lahaina like Bob Abramo. Nobody until now,” says Brandi Essen, Operations Manager of Abramo Holdings LLC. “CRAIG uses all of Bob’s knowledge of the area to: help answer any questions you have, book tours and shows, and act as a guide to West Maui. Our customer service doesn’t end when you leave one of our tables. We want to help our most loyal customers with day to day tasks, and make sure you have a great time if you’re visiting the island. Using CRAIG is like having a personal hotline to Bob Abramo himself, that is open 24/7 for whatever you need.”

While Ms. Essen and tourists may sing the praises of CRAIG, many local business owners have had a different experience. Many complain that communicating with the AI is an extremely unpleasant experience, and that CRAIG focuses on Abramo businesses and Abramo business partners, almost to the exclusion of all others. Ralph Umeke, owner of the popular Hula Noodle restaurant says, “The damn thing is almost as rude as its bloated creator. It’s to the point where I’ve started to screen tourists for the app, and kick out the ones who have it. I won’t allow that kind of negativity in the shop while people are trying to enjoy their food.”

Several other business owners, who wished to remain anonymous, share a similar view of CRAIG. They say that the AI is overbearing and condescending in its communications, and often lies about the price of merchandise, and operating hours of companies not associated with Mr. Abramo. Numerous complaints have been filed with the Better Business Bureau, and the mayor’s office, but CRAIG opponents say they are not hopeful that anything will change soon.

Leading up to this story, I had my own personal experience when the AI called to “talk over some concerns” it had about me, and this report. CRAIG had compiled a list of every story I had written that had clarifications or corrections, and grilled me about whether or not “the news thing” was really right for me. It had gone through all my social networks, and asked if I was a vegetarian, informing me that it didn’t talk to anyone with “radical or misinformed nutritional beliefs.” In addition, Craig advised me that I shouldn’t wear so many green garments in public, because “green is a terrible color” for a woman of my “age and complexion”.

While it may not be the favorite of the Lahaina business community, and I found the AI to be impolite at the very least, there is no doubt that it has been a hit with tourists. Bret and Spring Casey say they first visited Lahaina last Fall, and had a good time, but this year’s visit has been great thanks to CRAIG. According to Spring,

“CRAIG has been amazing. He told us the location of the nearest public Manimal ATV, and reserved it for us after we were exhausted from a long walk in the preservation zone. It got us upgraded to Splash Row at the Aloha Shores Dolphin Show at no charge, and threatened the kid working the concession booth, after he “accidentally” gave me back the wrong change. We almost called for a Hailoha when we got up the next morning, until CRAIG told us how dangerous they can be, and how poorly vetted their drivers are. CRAIG got so mad when I asked about taking a horseback tour to see the island, that I almost had to shut off the app. Luckily, we took his advice, and booked an afternoon with the Lahaina Zipline Tours instead, narrowly avoiding disaster. I can’t begin to tell you how great CRAIG made our trip. It’s like having a little Big Bob watching out for you, and yelling at anyone who makes a mistake.”

STORYLINE

Abramo Medical Company Set To Expand As Patient Demand Increases

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When you think about the fast growing bio-medical industry, the first name that comes to mind might not be Bob Abramo, but it should be. Owner of the famous Abramo Chop House, the Lahaina meat mogul is best known for his numerous food enterprises, not medical manufacturing. Nonetheless, Medimeat, his latest endeavor, is becoming one of the fastest growing medical businesses in Hawaii. Dozens of patients have received treatments with various products from the new company, and the demand for the company’s free-range, 100% organic heart valves and tissues is only increasing.

Abramo Holdings LLC operations manager Brandi Essen says that she can’t comment on specific cases because of privacy laws, but claims that close to a dozen Hawaiians are walking around with Medimeat heart valves, and dozens more have been helped by the company’s products. “We believe that in addition to being delicious, meat can be medicine, and we’ve been serving the best meat you can buy for the past 10 years. Now, we’ll help people get the best medicine as well.”

For many years doctors have used animal tissues, usually from pigs and cows, for a number of medical purposes. Patches made from animal pericardium, the membrane
surrounding the heart, were often used in cardiovascular surgeries in the past, and is still a popular option for those who can’t afford stem cell treatments. In addition to heart conditions, animal products are used for: hernia repair, surgical sutures, and numerous other general surgery applications. According to Essen, the demand for locally sourced medical tissues is on the rise.

She says,

“We believe in snout to tail medicine. Over 100,000 people are saved every year by cardiovascular surgeries using animal tissues. More than 100 pharmaceuticals and medicines derived from animal co-products are currently used to: help make childbirth safer, prevent blood clots in the circulatory system, control anemia, and help those suffering from asthma. Until now, patients really didn’t have a choice when it came to what animal tissues were put in their bodies. You didn’t know what sort of feed the animals ate, how cramped their living conditions were, or exactly what chemicals they were treated with. We figured that patients would like to have the same informed options in their medical care as they had in their dinner plans. It turns out we were right. The requests have been so high that we’re actually having trouble meeting the demand. We are expanding operations to ensure that everyone who is going through something as scary as a valve replacement, can feel confident that they’ll soon be walking around with a little Abramo care inside them.”

The Lahaina Medical Center (LMC) confirms that they have used Medimeat tissues in numerous procedures, and that there is a demand for tissues supplied by the company. However, they are quick to point out that all animal tissues used in medical procedures are collected under strict government guidelines, and insist that Medimeat tissues are not “safer” or “better” than other options. “This is a potentially dangerous marketing scheme and not a medical revolution,” says a LMC spokesperson. “I haven’t seen anything like this in my 20 years of medicine. Fads come and go, and there has never been a shortage of “medical concerns of the month,” but this Medimeat thing is a new one. We have people postponing possibly lifesaving procedures because they want to make sure that they get locally sourced heart valves. I can’t believe how many people have bought into this.”

Nonetheless, Medimeat founder Bob Abramo says he’s not surprised his tissues are in such high demand, and adds that he plans on expanding the company into home health and beauty products as well. Abramo says he became interested in medical applications for animal products after attending a conference on the subject a few years ago. “When it comes to medical uses for animals…well it’s like an all you can eat buffet. My butchers are the finest in the world. They’ve been trained to waste nothing when carving up an animal into its tasty bits, but it turned out we were leaving a lot of meat on the bone. When I leaned how many uses there was for what we were throwing away, or selling for animal feed, I realized that there was gold in those guts.”

Abramo says that he plans to expand operations to the mainland, and is thrilled that his passion for medical animal husbandry has resonated so well with the public. “If you wouldn’t eat it, you shouldn’t have it inside you,” he says. Despite Medimeat’s success in providing valves, tendons, and other various tissues, Bob says he’s still hungry, and plans to expand the business into the home health and beauty arena.

“In addition to saving lives, we want to save you time with our offerings. We’ve come up with some amazing things in our test kitchen combining health and beauty products everyone uses. I’m proud to introduce two new products to the Medimeat line: Abramo Wash and Bob’s No Stick Lotion. Luggage and bag space is at a premium for travelers, and surveys have found that campers are 25 times more likely to grill a meal than the average person. These products are designed for them. A shampoo, conditioner, body wash, and marinade, Abramo Wash is designed to set your mouth awash with flavor. Trust me, you won’t believe how good this stuff tastes. We use it in a number of dishes at the Chop House, and the response has been phenomenal. Put your favorite cut in a container of Abramo Wash, and you’ll have clean hair and plates. Our other product, Bob’s No Stick Lotion, is designed for campers and gilling enthusiasts. Nothing can dry out your skin like the great outdoors, and nothing is worse than watching a piece of meat tear into pieces because it’s stuck to your grill. Our lotion is the answer to both problems. It softens your skin, and prevents your favorite foods from sticking with one little dollop. Our lotion lets the true flavor of your meat stand out, while getting those grill marks that look so good. Whether it’s a life saving tissue, or a time saving product, Medimeat will be there to serve you.”

STORYLINE

Worldwide SSHAM Shortage Causes Panic In Lahaina

SSHAM fans across the globe are scrambling to stock up on the popular processed meat product as a strike threatens to cut a quarter of the world’s supply of salty shrimp goodness in a can. Workers at the company’s flagship processing plant in Lahaina are embroiled in a dispute over automation that will displace 30% of the workforce. Production at the facility accounts for a whopping quarter of the canned meat’s production, and virtually all SSHAM in Hawaii, pumping out 75,000 cans a day.

The company claims that the upgrades to the factory are necessary to keep the business viable in the increasingly cutthroat world of canned meat production. CEO Art Pua’a says the overhaul is long overdue. “SHAWN, the company AI, already handles virtually all of our quality controls and customer interactions. We’re just making the improvements to the factory floor to put production in line with that part of the business. We have programs to help our employees who will be displaced and hope to come to an agreement with workers soon. I think we can all agree that none of us want Hawaiian kitchens to go SSHAM free.”

While the company and workers discuss the details, the island has gone into a full-fledged SSHAM panic. The price of SSHAM has skyrocketed as store shelves have been emptied of all varieties. A can of SSHAM that sells for an average of $4 can be found online for over $100. Rumors of international buyers purchasing huge lots of SSHAM flow like water across the island. In addition, a SSHAM black market has sprung up virtually overnight. The Lahaina Medical Center reports numerous cases of severe food poisoning from bathtub SSHAM and released a statement urging the public not to consume any canned meat that hasn’t been produced in an approved facility.

SSHAM panic hasn’t consumed everyone, however. Some businesses see the shortage as an opportunity. Abramo Holdings operations manager Brandi Essen says the situation has offered Big Bites stores an unusual revenue stream. While it is true that the meat themed convenience stores have suspended their SSHAM sales until the strike is over, Essen has figured out a way to still make money from the product’s popularity. “We’re letting people sit in a room with the largest SSHAM collection in Hawaii for a modest fee. I think it just makes people feel better about the whole situation,” she says.

“It’s going to get a whole lot worse before it gets better. Pua’a and the employees are just too far apart, we have yet to see peak SSHAM price. Until we do, we’re screening a special segment of our best customers and taking them to a secure refrigerated location where they can sit alone in a room with literally tons of SSHAM. It turns out that just knowing that there is still a mountain of SSHAM on the island is very therapeutic for those struggling with the thought of not having a slice in the morning or after work. We require customers to sign an NDA about the exact amount of SSHAM we have and its location, but our viewings are perfect for those caught up in the shortage panic.”

While just looking at a can may be good enough for some, many are counting on DIY solutions to make it through the impending shortage. There are plenty of recipes floating around purported to be leaked from striking workers. While officials warn the public to use safe food handling practices, numerous homemade SSHAM makers have run into trouble trying to recreate the smell, taste, and texture SSHAM is famous for. Lahaina resident Gary Puniwale is one such home cook who ran into trouble trying to make his own SSHAM.

“Everyone knows the story of how Art accidentally created SSHAM in his kitchen one drunken night, so I thought how hard can it be? Let me tell you something, food production is not for the faint of heart or belly. Probably the biggest lesson I learned was how important it is to follow the directions precisely when trying to recreate a commercial food product. You know when you’re putting together a piece of furniture and lose a screw, you can just use a nail instead? That’s not how creating a shelf-stable canned meat works. You have to follow the instructions precisely. No substitutions.

My first mistake was using dried brine shrimp. I figured it was cheap and fine for my fish. I thought using the prepared cans would be better because it was fortified for my pets. I chose bacon next instead of ham because I thought the smoky flavor would be nice. I didn’t really measure out the binders and fillers like the recipe said, I just kind of eyeballed it. The color was a little off after blending but I thought it would change during cooking. I was wrong.

When it was done the smell was almost the same. Kind of like a mackerel stuffed with sausage and left on the dock during a hot afternoon, but it still didn’t look quite right. I cut a slice and could tell right away that something was wrong. It was very gelatinous and sticky but I thought maybe it was still a little too warm. I took a bite anyway and I didn’t think it was terrible. The next 48 hours, however, were a nightmare. It turns out fish food is not meant for human consumption. I ended up in the hospital for severe dehydration as my body tried to rid itself of even the memory of my SSHAM experiment. When I finally got back home I found my loaf had fused itself to the pan somehow and resisted even the most vigorous scraping, it was then that I fully appreciated what I had put my intestines through. I’m done with the whole DIY kitchen thing. I’ll just wait for the strike to end and leave the SSHAM to the experts.”

STORYLINE

Drilling Crew Discovers 600-Year-Old Poi In Ancient Kitchen

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A drilling crew working in Western Maui made an amazing discovery, when they uncovered an ancient food preparation site, and over a dozen containers of poi. Held in handmade wooden vessels, the Hawaiian staple is thought to be over 600-years-old. While it is not unheard of to find ancient foodstuffs, it is extremely rare. Researchers say the amazingly well preserved poi is the oldest ever discovered, and the kitchen should yield valuable information about the life of ancient Hawaiians.

Last month, a Creek Propulsion’s crew was busy surveying an area as a possible geothermal well site, when they noticed bits of worked wood and bark cloth stuck in one of their drill bits. After some digging, the team discovered a wooden container filled with a solid purplish substance, and called experts at the University of Maui Lahaina College. A team from the college soon established that the site was part of an ancient kitchen, but it wasn’t until yesterday that the purple substance was identified. According to a Vereserum lab analysis, the substance found in 13 wooden pots was the world’s oldest poi.

“To be honest I’m not a big fan. To me all poi tastes like it is 600-years-old, but I’m sure whoever made this batch knew what they were doing,” says Chris Treadwell, Creek Propulsion’s Senior Vice President of Supply, Distribution, and Planning. “I’m proud of our team for having a sharp eye, and helping preserve this window into ancient Hawaiian life.” Chris says they turned over the site to Hawaiian officials and the university, but he remains in awe of the craftsmanship of the artifacts. “As an engineer I can appreciate the precision required to make these storage containers. You couldn’t just buy a bowl with a lid, or cling film when these people lived. If you wanted to store something, you had to make your own vessel. Whoever made these containers was extremely talented, the lids were perfectly air tight. It just goes to show you what someone with the time, and eye, can do with a set of basic tools.”

While Treadwill can’t speak highly enough about the craftsmanship of the ancient prep cooks, many others have expressed interest in the fruits, or in this case, poi, of their labor. A bidding war of sorts has begun this morning with Vereserum, the Lahaina Heritage Museum, the Office of Hawaiian Culture (OHC), and even Bob Abramo trying to get some of the ancient luau favorite.

“Most of my work revolves around agricultural and food sustainability, and this ancient poi may provide valuable information,” says Vereserum’s Head of research Dr. Adler Walters. “This poi predates Captain Cook’s visit by almost 400 years, and offers a glimpse at the nutritional value of the plants, and the climate before the beginning of the industrial revolution. Taro, the main ingredient in poi, has been grown in rich, volcanic soil for hundreds of years. This has led to the microbes living inside it to become highly heat and acid-resistant, making poi one of the best probiotic foods available. In fact, poi has significantly more beneficial bacteria per gram than yogurt. This poi may be the key to solving a number of common digestive problems and diseases, including food allergies, and infants suffering from failure to thrive syndrome. Our work on the Kukenroot plant has the potential to wipe out famine world-wide, and I believe study of any cultures that are still active in this poi, may be just as vital. Imagine if instead of making poi, you could just buy a taro root already mashed perfectly inside, and eating it would protect you from any stomach bug or malady. That is the potential sitting inside those old wooden bowls. We hope the State will give us access to this incredible find.”

Brandi Essen, Operations Manager of Abramo Holdings LLC., on the other hand, wants the poi for different reasons. “We want to serve it to people,” she says.

“You have to stay one step ahead of the competition in every business. That is especially true in the restaurant game. For some time we have been exploring the idea of a high-end Paleo feast concept, and this ancient poi would be the perfect side dish. We’re not talking about serving up a Komodo dragon on a platter, we’re talking about taking advantage of what the climate is making available to us. With worldwide temperatures climbing every year, more and more permafrost is thawing, and giving up well preserved ancient animals. It is only a matter of time before one is discovered that has enough meat on its bones to eat.

For years people believed that the Explorers Club served a mammoth found on Akutan Island, at their 47th annual dinner. It was the talk of the town at the time, and for over 50 years after the famous meal. While DNA analysis of a bit of the meat preserved by a guest, proved that the meal was actually green sea turtle, the idea of eating an ancient animal struck a chord with the public. Imagine if we could find active cultures in this poi, and use them to make more. Imagine the taste of a vinegar or fermented sauce made from this ancient food. Imagine the line around the block we’d have if we could offer people a true taste of our Hawaiian ancestors. You can’t put a price, or a freshness date on something like that.”

STORYLINE

Bob Abramo Opens Meat Museum

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How much do you know about the food you eat? If you’re like most people, probably not a whole lot. While interest in locally sourced food and organic farming processes has increased greatly over the years, the day-to-day realities of modern farming and the history of food production remains a subject that most don’t know a lot about. Bob Abramo wants to change all that with the opening of his Museum of Meat History.

Built alongside his famous Chop House, Abramo says that the history of meat has consumed him from an early age and he looks forward to helping people devour the subject. He hopes the exhibits, “stimulate and inform visitors palettes, provide a better understanding of how important the big 3 meats (beef, pork, lamb) are to civilization, or simply offer a welcome distraction while waiting for your table to open.”

Upon entering the museum, visitors are greeted with a sign which reads:

“Meat, the life giving flesh from tasty animals, has contributed to the welfare of man since the dawn of time. The muscle and sumptuous fatty tissues have supplied us with the protein we needed to build empires, and the energy necessary to construct the wonders of the world. Take a walk with us now down the road of meals past, back to the very first hunt and learn why we celebrate special occasions with a big juicy steak and not a salad.”

While the museum may not be to everyone’s taste, the exhibits are interesting and informative. A walk through the “aisles of history” offers visitors an understanding of the contrast between today’s meat supply and a time when most had to rely on the hunting of wild animals. Special attention is paid to failed expeditions by pioneers and explorers such as the famous Donner party, explaining how creative butchering and better rationing could have saved some of those doomed to starvation. The exhibit walks visitors through the history of early butchering techniques and the amazing advances in meat science including faster-growing animals, more efficient culling techniques, and what deliciously grilled treats the future may hold.

“Mr. Abramo wants to make visitors hungry for history,” says assistant cureator Brandi Essen. “We go back to the very beginning. There has been a link made between meat-eating and an increase in the size of our brains. There’s evidence that neanderthals may have been eaten by anatomically modern humans, solidifying our place on the food chain. Some of our earliest tools were made to handle butchering. They’ve found bones with cut marks over two-and-a-half million years old. Even the ability to make fire was driven by a need to cook meat. Wars were fought over salt because it was so important when it came to fish and pork preservation. We dig in deep when it comes to the historical relationship between mankind and meat.”

“I understand that not everyone has the same passion for proteins that I do, I can get really worked up about it sometimes. Forget the dogs, don’t get between Me and my bones.” jokes Abramo. “I made sure to include some fun with a few interactive displays to let our visitors get their hands bloody so-to-speak. We even have a section for your little ones.” The “calves area” called “Ox Tail Junction” allows kids who might not appreciate the more academic areas of the museum, a chance to roll up their sleeves and engage more directly with their meals. They can play a number of meat-oriented games, help load wood into one of the restaurant’s many smokers, learn knife safety and the art of frenching a rack of ribs with Chef Brandi, or join the “Chopping Block Club” and adopt a locally raised piglet for later consumption. “I’ve always found that a meal tastes better when you can put a name to what’s on your plate,” adds Abramo.

On the way out, visitors can see all they learned in action by watching the Chop House’s experienced butchering staff break down animals into their delicious components before being served. The knowledgeable staff can answer any meat-related question you have, as well as give the secret to Bob’s perfect burger blend, and explain why you should always use natural casings when making sausage. While it may not be everyone’s cup of tea, Essen hopes visitors will have a bloody good time.

STORYLINE

Association Seeks to Ban SSHAM Oil Production In Lahaina

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SSHAM oil may be the hottest health and beauty product on the shelves this year, but not everyone is singing its praises. A wedding planner organization is seeking to shut down the production of the uniquely smelling oil in Lahaina, saying the odor associated with its manufacture is driving tourists away. SSHAM says that they are breaking no laws in the production process, and take great steps to contain the smell to the area around the facility. Fans of the oil admit it is an acquired smell, but not one so bad that it would affect tourism.

Weddings and honeymoons are a big business in Maui. The destination wedding market accounts for $26 billion worldwide, with almost 40,000 destinations weddings in Hawaii every year. According to the Hawaiian Association of Certified Wedding Planners (HACWP), SSHAM oil is putting the industry at risk. Spokesperson Helen Ki’i says the smell from the factory is making some newlyweds consider other, better smelling, destinations. “It’s quite overpowering on certain days,” she says. “If the wind is right the smell from the oil plant is too much for even the most determined bride. It’s true that we have some of the most beautiful beaches in the world, perfect for once in a lifetime photographs and memories, but that doesn’t matter if the air smells like you’re over-frying fermented shrimp and sauerkraut in a pot of rotten lard. We’ve had fewer bookings this year than ever before, and our referral business is almost nonexistent. The stench is killing our business and whatever they’re doing to make something that smells like that can’t be good for people. We’re asking the courts to halt SSHAM oil production in Lahaina until a reasonable solution can be found. I know it will help our customers, and Lahiana residence breathe a little easier, once the factory is closed.”

SSHAM released a statement that the production process for the prized oil is completely safe, and legal. The company says, “We simply take the same SSHAM you’d find on the shelves of your favorite stores and render the fragrant and beneficial oils in a special heating process, filter out any impurities, and condense the product for maximum efficacy.” The company points out that animal products have long been used in health and beauty products. Beaver castoreum, the yellow secretion from their castor sacs, and whale ambergris are both highly prized. In addition, they say that people have been making a less potent version of SSHAM oil for years and recipes can be found on their SSHAM Stories page. “We understand that the smell may be a bit unusual the first time you encounter it, but it is completely safe, and we try hard to limit its spread from our facility. We are currently looking into technological solutions to sequester any escaping odors, and believe a complete shutdown is unwarranted at this time.”

While the smell of its manufacture, and the oil itself, may turn some stomachs, many swear by its medicinal and therapeutic properties. The Kokua Wellness Center was one of the first businesses to embrace and promote the powers of SSHAM oil. The exclusive Spa has been offering the oil in various treatments for over a year. Center Director Autumn kohu ‘ole says that she has personally felt the power of SSHAM oil. “It’s a hugely powerful tool in our Wellness toolbox,” she says. “Even though it’s produced from animal products, it acts just like an essential oil. Its naturally occurring, volatile aromatic compounds are some of the strongest I’ve ever seen. Better yet, SSHAM oil can be used in all three ways that other essential oils are. Topically, the oil kills bacteria, heal scars, and minimize marks on the skin. Ingested, the oil stimulates hormone and digestive enzyme production and the aromatherapy applications include mood enhancement and confidence building. It’s definitely not a one trick pony. I will admit that the smell takes some getting used to, but its health benefits far outweigh any initial gagging. I don’t know what our customers would do if we had to discontinue oil treatments.”

Long-time SSHAM oil user, Brandi Essen agrees with Autumn. Essen has been receiving treatments for over 6 months and says she doesn’t know how she’d get through a week without it. Essen says that it’s similar to living someplace in the country, near a farm. “You just get used to the smell after awhile,” she says. “People have been using aromatherapy for over 5,000 years. Some of those smells can be quite strong, but that’s the point. I don’t think the occasional factory smell wafting downtown is a big deal. SSHAM oil works. If it didn’t, do you think someplace as upscale as Kokua would offer it? SSHAM oil provides relief to millions across the globe, myself included. I know that if I can make it an hour in a room that smells like fish heads and burnt bacon stewing in sour wine, while someone puts hot rocks on my back, and rubs my legs with nettle paste, I can make it through anything at work.”

Residents (and their noses) on both sides of the issue, should have a decision about SSHAM oil production in Lahaina, by the end of the week.

STORYLINE

Big Bites Stores To Host “Beat The Heat” Sleepover Nights for Customers

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There’s no doubt that the unprecedented heat wave of the 40’s has caused plenty of problems across Maui. With 2046 on track to be the hottest year in recorded history, many are finding it hard to get a good night’s sleep through the sweltering heat. Chop House and Big Bites store owner Bob Abramo says he knows how uncomfortable many Lahaina residents are, and wants to help some of his most loyal customers get some much needed rest. That’s why he announced a “Beat the Heat and Eat Some Meat” promotion lasting through the summer. Hundreds of lucky customers will get to spend a night in the air conditioned comfort of a Big Bites location near them, play games, enjoy free entertainment, and eat some meaty snacks, while they’re sitting cool.

Abramo says the idea came to him after listening to customers complain about the sticky nights, and the cost of air conditioning. “I had a customer offer me $20 to stand in the walk-in cooler for 15 mins,” Abramo says. “Even though it was a joke, like all humor, it had a ring of truth to it. I understand the importance of keeping meat properly cooled, and that includes my patrons. We sent out flyers to our best customers and asked them if they’d be interested in breaking out their sleeping bags, and letting us pay for the air conditioning for a night. The response was bigger than my famous long pig buffet. We had to extend the offer to all Big Bites locations to accommodate the hundreds who have signed up so far.”

Operations Manager Brandi Essen says she’s excited about the slumber parties, and that there’s plenty to do for the whole family.

“Everyone gets a complimentary overnight bag with: a pouch of jerky, your choice of either a delicious meat smoothie or a refreshing glass of Hamade, and discounts on all your favorite meat treats, including any of our 20 pickled meats, and our famous candied corned beef bites. We have pig-in-the-blanket sleeping bags for the kids, and tons of natural casing balloon animals for them to play with. There will be plenty of cool bedtime stories told in our walk-in coolers, and a free carnivore-friendly movie every night. I even hear that Mr. Sprinkles, Lahaina’s most famous pig, will make a number of appearances over the summer. I think it’s great that we can give back a little to our loyal customers, and I encourage everyone to RSVP before we run out of room and dates.”

While some seem interested in dealing with the unprecedented heat wave by camping out in their favorite convenience store, others are concerned that the temperature increases will continue without drastic action. While all the usual warming suspects are on the table, there is a growing concern about Veilcorp technology, the company’s use of 127, and its effect on the environment. Renewed calls for government intervention, and a ban on the controversial element have tied up government phone lines, and filled DLNR mailboxes.

Barraloha Instructor at the Kokua Wellness Center, and outspoken food sustainability activist Sebastion Malu says that there is no doubt that 127 is accelerating an already deadly warming trend. “127 is like gasoline on an already raging fire. The gasoline is bad, but the fire will still burn with, or without it.” Malu says Instead of focusing on 127 alone, people should acknowledge the root causes of climate change like animal agriculture, and the use of petrochemicals. He suggests boycotting Abramo companies, and anyone who does business with the “Maui Meat King.”

“The Beat the Heat and Eat Some Meat atrocity is exactly the kind of rudimentary thinking, and understanding of natural cycles that we need to eliminate before we can move on to the next vibrational level as a species. Raising animals for consumption is murder not just for the animals, but for our planet and ourselves. Animal agriculture takes huge outlays of fertilizer, pesticides, fuel, feed, and water. It takes about 25 times more energy to produce one calorie of beef than it does to produce one calorie of corn. We need to be as mindful of the damage raising meat is doing to the planet, as the internal damage eating it can do to our bodies. We need to restore balance in our thinking and world by nourishing ourselves on nuts, nectars, sunlight, and all of the renewable natural gifts, not charred hunks of our differently designed animal partners.”

Abramo counters that he is not surprised by Malu’s call for a boycott, “The grass drinkers are always squawking about something, and Malu is the worst of them.” He adds, “Summer has always been about two things: staying cool and eating mounds of grilled meat. It’s not just healthy, and American, it’s the right thing to do. Malu and his followers say eating meat isn’t good or natural, which is ridiculous. If eating meat is so bad for you, why does it taste so good? Our bodies haven’t evolved to crave the delicious flesh of animals because it was dangerous. While Malu is running around like a chicken with his head cut off, and perspiring in the sun, my customers and I will be keeping cool inside, and dabbing the meat sweats from our foreheads.”

STORYLINE

Manimal Infused “Turbo Ham” a Hit for Big Bites Stores

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Last month, one of Maui’s most famous business chains, Bob Abramo’s Big Bites convenience stores announced that it was partnering with Manimal, one of Lahaina’s most iconic brands, to offer one on the most unique energy products ever conceived, “Turbo Ham.” The energy drink company said that it had devised a way to infuse one of Hawaii’s favorite meats with its popular drink. Now Turbo ham is set to make its debut, exclusively at Big Bites stores starting next week. However, many are questioning the safety of the energy-infused meat, and the treatment of the animals used in the production process.

If the idea of eating a piece of Manimal laced ham sounds strange to you, you’re not alone. Since the company leaked a picture of Turbo Ham in its packaging, many believed it was a joke, or a publicity stunt. Even Manimal CEO Spencer Kane had his doubts about the product when it was first pitched, but after seeing how the process would work, and looking at sales predictions, he says he became a believer.

“Our product innovation team is second to none,” says Kane. “Like many I was skeptical when presented with the idea at first. I thought there was no way people would eat bright yellow or red ham, but then they explained that only the energy producing parts of Manimal would be infused into the meat, not the color. When they said we’d be partnering with Bob Abramo I was sold. Everyone knows that Bob is a meat genius. He is constantly pushing the envelope and our preconceived notions about lunch meat. With Manimal fueling that carnivorous creativity, I knew we’d come up with something special. I just didn’t know how special it would be. Turbo Ham is not your parents lunch meat. It’s the single greatest culinary innovation of our lifetime. Eat a couple of thin slices on a sandwich to help you get over that midday hump, or a big slab in the morning for all day energy. With Turbo Ham, our customers can finally eat and drink energy.”

Some however do not share Kane’s enthusiasm over Turbo Ham. Many remember last year’s partnership with SSHAM and all the problems surrounding SSHAM SLAM. The instability of the product left hundreds staring at a foul smelling slurry when they opened the can. The Manimal infused SSHAM was pulled off the shelf permanently only months after its debut.

In addition, there are serious questions surrounding the caffeine, turine, and guarana levels in the Manimal infused meat, and concerns over the treatment of the pigs used to make Turbo Ham. The Lahaina Conservation Association (LCA) has publicly denounced the product saying in a statement: “Force feeding pigs nothing but Manimal for 30 days is inhumane, and causes many substantial health and behavioral problems. Our investigation has uncovered numerous jittery, temperamental, and overstimulated animals, prone to fence climbing, extreme mud wallowing, and prolonged squealing. In some cases animals have been seen rolling excessively after a Manimal feeding or trying to do flips, something extremely dangerous to a 300lb+ animal. Therefore we must urge the public not to consume Turbo Ham, and call upon the appropriate government agencies to shut down this cruel operation.”

Brandi Essen, Operations Manager of Abramo Holdings LLC disputes the allegations of inhumane treatment, saying all Abramo farms comply with government regulations and are inspected regularly. She says that happy pigs make better tasting meat, and the pigs used to make Turbo Ham are among the happiest on the island. Essen claims that any behavioral changes in the pigs is due to the excess energy that a Manimal only diet provides. In addition, she says that the initial response over Turbo Ham has been so great that the company is planning on expanding into other Manimal charged products.

“Just like in people, Manimal gives these pigs some get-up-and-go, but I wouldn’t call running and jumping cruel. These pigs just have a little more pep than usual, which is exactly the point. There has to be a certain baseline level of Manimal in the animals for the infusion process to work correctly, and work it does! Turbo Ham is for anyone who’d like to chew their energy, and from the way the phone won’t stop ringing, that’s a lot of us. We’ve had so many people wanting to reserve a pack that our biggest concern right now is meeting demand.

In fact the demand has been so overwhelming that we’re already working on a new line of infused meat, Jerky Alert. While Turbo Ham keeps you powered all day, Jerky Alert is designed for those specific occasions you need just a little boost to help keep you awake. Whether you’re a student pulling an all-nighter for exams, a delivery driver working an extra shift, or a new parent exhausted from getting up all night, one bite of Jerky Alert can put you back in the game. It’s never been easier to eat yourself awake.”

STORYLINE

Bob Abramo to open “Big Bites” store in Lahaina

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Starting tomorrow Lahaina residents will have a big choice when it comes to convenience stores. The much anticipated grand opening of Bob Abramo’s “Big Bites” store is sure to bring in meat lovers and the curious from across the island. For weeks reports of the meat-centric convenience store and some of its unique products have captured the attention of locals and tourists alike. Abramo and Manager Brandi Essen gave us an exclusive tour of the store a day ahead of the opening and talked with us about Big Bites’ mission. It was a mouthful.

Well known for his commercials where he declared, “Big Bob Abramo eats the competition,” the local real estate entrepreneur branched out into the restaurant business last year when he opened Robert Abramo’s Chophouse on Aloha Shores. It was a huge success. Banking on the positive response to the meatery, Abramo began making plans for a convenience store that would “cater to carnivores”. He says that Lahaina is just the first stop on a meat train that he plans to expand to all of Maui.

At first glance, the inside of Big Bites looks like any other convenience chain. Coolers on the back wall contain a variety of beverages. Racks of chips, pretzels, and other salty snacks face the front door, but that’s where the similarities end. “We have a few of the essentials that everyone goes to a convenience store for, but if you look closely you’ll see even those items have meat options,” says Essen.

She points out a package of bacon-scented wet naps, toothpicks made of jerky, and a case of brisket flavored soda. “Our goal is to fulfill all your meat snacking needs, even the ones you don’t know you have yet,” Abramo says that samples aren’t just offered at Big Bites, they’re required. “We want to help expand your meat horizons,” he says

Big Bites boasts that they will have the biggest variety of meat snacks and meat-related products anywhere on the islands, and from the looks of it, they might be right. 46 different flavors and cuts of jerky are displayed on the wall. 20 large glass containers provide all manner of pickled meats for the aficionado. The loose meat bin offers a little bit of everything if you’re feeling adventurous, but it’s the grinding stations that Abramo is most proud of.

On the South wall, 4 of the finest hand-cranked meat grinders are arranged. “Our grinding stations are open to anyone who wants to explore the wonderful world of charcuterie. We’ll even grind meat that you purchased somewhere else for a small fee, although I have no idea why you’d buy meat from anyone else. And don’t worry about bringing casings; we have everything you need. All of our staff are knowledgeable in the art of sausage making and can answer any questions you have, or help you get started.” Most people would think that making their own mettwurst at a convenience store was an odd idea, but Abramo’s not most people. The back of the store is where he really pushes the meat envelope.

He noticeably bristles when I ask about some of the novelty products and services available there. Essen quickly steps in, saying, “We don’t consider these novelties and stand behind the deliciousness of every product. Up until now, meat lovers have been put in a box and we’re just opening the lid.”

Some of the more unusual offerings here include: crispy duck piñatas, colorfully-marinaded-meats in artistic arrangements for special occasions, and a machine called the Meat Twister. For $10 a customer can stand inside the clear plastic box while compressed air circulates cold cuts around them for the grabbing. “The kids love that thing, and you get to eat what you can grab,” Abramo says with a smile.

“Our grand opening on Friday is just the next step in turning my food dreams into reality. I plan on spreading Big Bites across the islands like a luscious pâté. This isn’t just a store to me, it’s the start of a delicious meat movement.”